A Love Too Strong To Break 11

Knife's Edge

by Arcturus

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asa/arcturus/loveto11.php
Summary: Sam struggles to deal...
Info: My thanks to Oxfordshoes2 for the beta.

Author's note: A huge thank you to everyone who has stuck with me through this. It has been an awesome story to write and I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have. For everyone who has read the story - thank you; for those who have left feedback - I am so grateful - ALL your comments have inspired me to keep at it.
I want to pay particular tribute to my beta Oxfordshoes2, who has kept me on the straight and narrow through it all - thank you - you are amazing!
Arcturus

The following morning Janet led a reluctant Sam to a meeting with Alison Chester. The blonde was on her guard from the moment she saw the other two women embrace with a familiarity that she instantly hated. Still, her rational mind knew that she needed to talk about what had happened to her, despite the fact it went against every fiber in her body.

Alison had already met with Janet earlier, so Sam's reticence didn't surprise her. "Hello Sam, I'm Alison. I'm the trauma counselor assigned to the base."

Sam looked her up and down and nodded her understanding. Alison continued, "I gather from Janet that you've been through some particularly harrowing times these last two years. I would like to help you try and make sense of everything - to get some closure on this part of your life so you can move forward."

"How much do you know?" The question was barely civil.

Alison watched Janet's nervous reaction to the blonde's hostility; but she was not fazed by it. "I've been working with Janet since you went on your last mission. I know a good deal about what happened before that, but obviously the things that have occurred since probably need to be discussed."

Sam conceded grudgingly and sat in one of the armchairs. She frowned, trying to gather her scattered thoughts. "I want Janet to be here. If I'm going to talk about... things... I don't want to do it more than once. I don't want to have any secrets from her."

Sam held out her hand to Janet, who moved to sit next to the blonde. "I need to do this with you."

Janet smiled and took Sam's hand, kissing her lightly on the temple. "Of course, whatever you need."

***

Hammond sat at his desk and tried to gather his thoughts together. The buzz that had returned to the SGC excited him too, but he knew that Sam was balanced on a knife's edge. This whole nightmare would either totally destroy her or make her stronger. He knew everyone was praying for the latter, but she still had a long way to full recovery. The phone rang and he glared angrily at it; it didn't stop.

"Hammond," he barked.

"General Hammond? Katherine Fuller; I've got the date for Simmons court martial. Do you think Sam will be up to giving evidence?"

George ran a hand over his bald head and sighed; it hadn't been a week yet and here they still wanted to pile more pressure on Sam. "I don't know," he exhaled, "how long do we have?"

"The date is two weeks tomorrow."

"Alright, I'll ask her, but I'm not sure she'll agree; it may be too soon."

"It is important that she does."

George snapped, "I understand that Colonel but at present she is still an officer under my command and it is my duty to protect her. Under the circumstances, I will not make her do something she is not ready for."

He slammed the phone down and took several deep breaths to calm himself.

***

"How did Ba'al punish you?"

Sam was sitting on the couch with Janet next to her. This was the third session with Alison and the first time they had talked about what had happened off world. Sam was perched nervously on the edge of the seat, picking at non existent flecks on her pants, her eyes concentrated on the fabric and nowhere else. She had heard the question, but her throat was so constricted she couldn't answer. Sam felt Janet's hand slide over her own, stilling its motion. The contact sent a shiver through her body, but at the same moment her mind chose to slam an image of Ba'al's leering face before her. She could almost feel his breath as he leaned over, taunting her about her relationship with Janet. Heat rose up her cheeks and the sting of bile touched her throat.

Sam pulled her hand away and reached for the glass on the table. She tried not to notice the others watching her hand shake as she drank. Knowing if she saw Janet's concern she would break down, Sam took a deep breath and looked up at Alison, trying to draw strength from the counselor's calm features. "He... well... a lot of the time he left me in a cell," she started, "but he had a room where he would torture me. He had this device; it could read your thoughts, even... even if you didn't want it to. To make it easier for him to get what he wanted, he would drug me first. In the beginning it was impossible to keep things from him. He took most of what he wanted by the time I'd figured out how to resist him."

Sam felt drained and nauseous. She ran her hand across her eyes, wiping angrily at the tears. "Sometimes he would take me back to his chambers," she whispered, now staring at a blank spot on the floor. "He would..." she stumbled to a halt, unable to say the words. The couch creaked as she shifted uncomfortably. "He would tie me up and have sex with me; would demand his female servants touch my body." More images assaulted her and this time Sam couldn't keep the bile down. Clamping her hand over her mouth, she bolted from the room.

***

That evening, Sam lay curled on her side, trying not to hear Janet's muffled tears. She knew she was breaking the doctor's heart, but each time Janet moved to make love to her, Sam pushed her away with the excuse that she wasn't ready.

At this rate she would never be ready. Sam couldn't get the sickening images from her head of Ba'al and his lotars. She couldn't move past the numbing agony of her body betraying Janet while she was 'pleasured' against her will. Her anger at being used in such a way consumed her, warring with the guilt of letting Janet down. She wondered how long Janet would stick around if she couldn't get past it; *not long* she thought.

***

A week later and Katherine was once again at the mountain. She was here to see Sam and despite the changed circumstances she couldn't help but reflect back to the first time they had met. The investigator never imagined that the harrowing time over two years ago would bring her to this point in her career. They were about to prosecute a colonel and possibly a senator. For the sake of the blonde who had given so much of herself, Fuller hoped they were successful.

The colonel was led to Sam's quarters where coffee had been laid on. "Thank you for agreeing to do this Sam," she said.

"Hammond said it was important." There was little emotion in her voice.

"Do you?" Katherine couldn't help asking.

"Yes, it's just so soon, I'm not sure if I'm ready." Sam confessed.

"Sam, all the evidence is there in black and white. There's no doubt as to his guilt; but you will help the judge decide on the sentence. It might help you get some closure too."

"Maybe," Sam agreed. "So what is it you want me to do?"

***

Janet was afraid. Afraid that Sam was not dealing with the pressure she was being put under. Afraid that the blonde was not talking about those deeply emotional things that were screwing with her head. Janet had tried as hard as she could to be loving, gentle, patient; but it didn't appear to be having any effect. Sam accepted the caring hugs and kisses, and wanted to be held and comforted. But every time the doctor tried to initiate something more intimate, she was pushed away; Sam telling her bluntly that she was not ready. A wall was building between them and truthfully the doctor did not know how they would get over it.

She talked to Alison about it, who said it would take time, and that with everything else that was happening she needed to be patient. Janet wasn't worried about her own patience, but she knew Sam would likely break soon, the emotional strain too much to deal with. The blonde would retreat into herself, raise her walls and possibly never let anyone close again – and it would start to happen soon.

Janet lay on the bed stroking her fingers down Sam's cheek, watching the war in her lover's eyes. "Can I kiss you?" she whispered. Sam nodded and her eyes closed as Janet moved to make contact. The doctor felt soft lips under her own, tasted the familiar taste that was Sam Carter. Slowly she ran her tongue across Sam's mouth, inviting more contact. Janet felt the blonde shiver and a strong hand grip her shoulder, pulling her closer. Daring to explore more, the doctor let her hand move down Sam's neck and trace around a breast. She teased her thumb over a taut nipple and without warning Sam shot up from lying on the bed, so she was sitting on the edge, shaking violently. "I can't do this..." she choked.

Janet knelt up behind Sam and placed a gentle hand on her back. Sam shook it off, "Don't... touch me."

Janet sank back on the bed, biting back on her own frustration. This was getting old. "What do you want me to do Sam?" she said fairly evenly.

"Leave." Came the blunt reply. "I want you to go, I need to be alone."

Sam could barely breathe as she felt Janet move off the bed. She gripped the sheet beneath her hard as she listened to the doctor gather her things and finally collapsed, sobbing when the door clicked softly closed.

***

They travelled to the Alpha site for the court martial; a large entourage from the SGC, the judge and the counsels for both sides. Sam and Janet had both been called as witnesses and for the length of the hearing had been separated from each other. Jack, Daniel and Teal'c were insistent they stayed with Sam so she felt protected.

On the first evening, Jack suggested a little walk, 'to get some fresh air'. The stroll in the open lasted for about a hundred yards as Sam was steered into a new building. The razor wire fence top and the heavy guard left her in no doubt as to where they were going. Her gut reaction was to refuse, but she knew if she could overcome this, things would be easier. They stepped into the entrance and were frisked before being allowed through the gates to the main building.

Jack led the way down the corridor which was flanked on either side by cells. Most of them were empty. He stopped about half way down and turned to look to the cell on his left, "Simmons!" he greeted in mock camaraderie, "I've brought you a visitor."

Sam stepped up to the bars and felt Jack's strong hand supporting her. She took in the sight before her and was grateful for the three men standing close. The shock on Simmons' face though was gratifying. "I thought..." he stammered.

"You thought wrong then," Sam said quietly but firmly. She stood for several more minutes scrutinizing one of her tormentors, watching him squirm under her gaze. For the first time since she arrived back at the SGC Sam felt empowered; she felt in control and her anxiety about what was to come had lifted. She turned to Jack and said, "Thank you sir, I think tomorrow will be a good day."

The following morning the proceedings began, and despite the encounter the previous night, Sam was still apprehensive. She was called half way through the day. The room was small, cramped and overheated. The space between her and Simmons was limited and she could feel his eyes on her. She stared at him defiantly before taking her seat, hoping she looked more confident than she felt.

Katherine was as gentle as she could be. "Would you please read from page thirteen of your journal?"

Sam thumbed through to the first flagged page and started to read,

"Last Thursday night I was taken off the wing by a group of men I did not know. It turns out that they are from the NID and that bastard Simmons is in control. They restrained me and left me alone for about an hour, and then when they dragged me into another room, he was there, leering and gloating. He left before they started to experiment on me."

"Did you see him again during your time in prison?" Fuller asked.

"Yes. He came regularly to the interrogation sessions. He often ordered the proceedings."

"Did he ever lead any of the experiments? Did he drug you or beat you?"

"No." Sam managed: just.

"Now can you read from page thirty seven please?"

Sam's voice was quieter this time, the strain beginning to show.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this. Simmons was in the infirmary today, just as we were sorting out the termination."

She faltered and felt the tears gather. She did not want to break down in front of everyone. Steeling herself, Sam took a calming breath and continued,

"The NID want my child to experiment on. He gave me a choice, have the baby or go back to prison. Some fucking choice..." she trailed off and silence rang in her ears.

She didn't hear the judge call for a break, didn't register people moving around her; it wasn't until she felt Katherine's hand on her arm that she was drawn from her memories. "Thank you Sam, you did really well."

"Will you need me again?" she asked.

"I'm afraid so."

The two days were pretty blurred for Sam. She was cross examined by Simmons' counsel; he tried to focus on her relationship with Janet, but luckily the judge was having none of it. Janet's testimony regarding events in the infirmary quickly moved on to the threats against Cassie and it was then that Simmons' attitude changed. He gave them a written statement about Kinsey.

Simmons also got fifteen years.

***

They had arrived back at the SGC the previous night, the mood euphoric over the result. Sam was dead on her feet though and had crashed into bed and slept until Janet woke her late in the morning. They both went to meet with Alison and tried to make some sense of the past few days and Sam was now sitting on the bed in her quarters trying to rationalize her thoughts. She knew she was not being honest with anyone. Hell, she was not even being honest with herself. Everyone seemed pleased with her though. She was responding well to them, talking about what had happened to her, both on Earth and off world; and her testimony had been crucial to the case against Simmons.

But there were nagging things that would not go away; things that frightened her almost as much as her recent experiences. Things that needed strength and candor to confront; for her to dig down and examine herself closely – something she was not good at.

Where did she fit back into this life? What did people expect of her? Even if she had been cleared of all charges, she couldn't go back to how things were previously. It felt as though everyone was galloping forward and she was slipping backwards.

There was the unresolved guilt she had; guilt at wanting to end her life, guilt at betraying Earth and their allies by giving up her knowledge, guilt at pushing Janet away whenever the doctor tried to initiate something intimate.

Then the confused resentment towards her lover; Janet had not had to endure the torture, the humiliation, the brutality. Yet she had been the one to finally push Sam into leaving Earth; she was the one who still had her job, her rank, her health. Perhaps the doctor was accountable for the subsequent off world happenings or should shoulder the blame for Sam's current state. Maybe Sam had every right to be angry with her.

Sam tipped her head back and rested it on the wall, frustrated as tears once again dampened her cheeks. She was so emotionally wrung out that she had no clue what to do. Just that morning Alison had broached the idea of going to the cabin. Even now Sam had trouble getting her head round the conversation.

"Janet and I have been talking about the three of us getting off the base into more calming surroundings."

Sam felt her hackles rise again; was she reading too much into the easy relationship they seemed to have? "Oh?" she managed. Sam desperately wanted to be away from gray walls and recycled air. She missed the outdoors. "Have anywhere in mind?"

Sam saw the look of apprehension on Janet's face. Alison continued, "We thought about the Colonel's cabin."

There was a long silence and then Sam exploded, "Really? Really? Yeah what a great idea, lets go back to the place where this whole god damned fucked up mess began shall we?!" She pushed angrily from the chair and stormed to the door. "And what exactly do you think that will achieve?"

Sam had left before either of the other women had been able to answer; and here she sat now trying not to fall apart again. Some insistent part of her wanted to acknowledge that Alison might be on to something. Hadn't they talked about closure? About moving forward? Why was she so scared of being isolated in a place as calming as the cabin with her lover and her therapist? Sam knew it was because she was a coward; she didn't have the strength to put herself under such scrutiny.

If she could, she would run away and go somewhere to rebuild her walls, to block out the love and kindness that begged her to listen to her soul. Better to be alone and strong than in love and vulnerable. Janet would move on, of that Sam was sure; the doctor's passion and capacity for love would see her through. And Sam? Well, she could go away and forget everything, immerse herself in physics and numbers and theories; and if she never opened her heart again? Surely that could be a good thing.

***

Katherine Fuller waited nervously outside the Oval Office. She had never been to the White House before, and although she had dealt with the Joint Chiefs on a number of occasions, the President was a whole different ball game. Particularly as she was going to tell him one of his senators was corrupt and she had the evidence to prove it.

The phone on the aide's desk rang shrilly. Thankfully it was answered quickly and the aide spoke several short sentences. He then rose and approached the colonel. "Ma'am, the President will see you now."

Smoothing down her dress blues as she stood, Katherine took a steadying breath and smiled, "Thank you." She stepped towards the open door and into the office of the most powerful man in the world.

***

So a short three and a half weeks after returning to Earth, Sam got her wish to go outside. She was not comfortable with the circumstances, but it seemed she had no choice; it was part of her rehabilitation and as she was still technically employed by the US military she could do little but comply.

Alison had arranged for it to be just the three of them for a week, arguing that to do her job properly she needed to spend quality time with her patient in order to help effect change. They had flown up and rented a car at the airport. Jack had phoned ahead to his neighbor so when the three women arrived, the generator was full of gas, the beds made, the fridge stocked and the whole place warm and friendly.

The first two days were okay, they settled into a relaxed routine which entailed walks round the lake, reading, sitting on the deck soaking up the autumn sun and light conversation. Janet cooked and Sam tried her best to eat and deflect concern away from herself.

The third day dawned with an air of something different. Sam had slept incredibly badly and was irritable and short with the others. The scrutiny was beginning to get to her; and her trepidation at having to confront things that scared her was becoming uncontrollable.

After a lunch that saw Sam push her food round her plate, the blonde settled on the sofa with her book, determined to block out the others and lose herself in something safe.

Alison and Janet sat at the breakfast bar, talking in low voices, assessing the next move. However, it was Sam that finally pushed them all into action. "Will you two stop talking about me like I wasn't here?" Sam gritted. "It's bad enough that I'm cooped up in this place with my doctor and my shrink, but to listen to you all day musing on how to fix me, is not my idea of fun."

"Sam, please honey, just try and calm down." Janet soothed.

The blonde stood from the couch and threw her book on the table.

"No!" she yelled. "I will not calm down. I know you think I'm a head case, that there is no hope for me. I might be beyond help but I'm not stupid!"
She looked icily at Janet, "So why don't you and your fuck buddy here just get on with screwing each others' brains out and leave me in peace?"

The shocked silence filled the small space for several long seconds and then Sam strode out to the back and slammed the bedroom door. Janet and Alison stayed motionless, listening to the noises emanating from the rear of the house. Two minutes later Sam reappeared in some jogging pants and a t-shirt. "I'm going out for a run," she stated as she brushed past the other women and exited the cabin.

Janet moved to protest, but the counselor's hand on her arm stopped her. "Let her go. She'll be back when she's ready. A run might help her get a few things out of her system."

Janet nodded dumbly, aware her face was flushed and tears were close. "I've never seen her like that, you didn't deserve those words."

To Janet's surprise, Alison chuckled. "Don't worry, please Janet, I've been called a lot worse. Besides, I think this could be the breakthrough we've been waiting for."

"Really? Seems to me that Sam is moving backwards."

"Hmm, come, sit. Shall I make some coffee?"

The smaller woman nodded and moved to the recently vacated couch.

Sam stood on the porch and stretched her muscles. Her body was shaking with anger and she knew she needed to get away. In her old life, running had helped her work on problems, get things in perspective and come up with solutions. She hoped it might work again. Pulling in several breaths, she set out at a brisk jog.

Janet cradled the coffee Alison handed her and felt the couch dip beside her. "Sam has been so compliant through all of this. She's talked about her experiences, all the things that happened and about how she felt then. Not once has she mentioned how she feels now. How being back on Earth has affected her. How having to adapt back to a life she thought she would never see again is messing with her head. I think this might be the start of it."

Janet nodded in understanding. She also knew there were other things that were hurting Sam and guessed that was one of the reasons Alison had suggested that they all come here together; there was no hiding here. She knew now would begin the hardest part.

"How long will she run for?"

"Hhmm?" Janet asked, confused by the switch in thought.

"How long does Sam normally run for?"

"Oh, about an hour, probably not more in her physical condition."

Alison nodded. "I don't want you to be here when she comes back."

"Why?" Janet could not conceal the hurt. Alison smiled gently at her. "If I'm to do my job properly, I need to push her, make her confront some things. You don't need to be part of that. It probably won't be very pretty."

Janet nodded distractedly, she really wanted to support Sam, but she understood. "I'll drive into town then. How long?"

"Well let's see, can you give us 'til six o'clock? Maybe bring back something fresh for dinner."

Janet nodded and stood, stopping to press her hand to Alison's shoulder. "Thank you."

***

Sam stepped inside and shut the door. The run had not provided any answers although she felt less tense. She looked round the living space, Alison was on a stool at the breakfast bar, reading a magazine. "Where's Janet?" Sam demanded.

"She's gone into town," Alison replied coolly.

"Why?"

"So we could have the chance to talk."

Sam was openly hostile in her response. "What do you want from me?"

The counselor was not riled by the animosity. "I don't want anything from you Sam. But tell me, what do you want?"

She watched the tall blonde carefully and saw the anger that had started to dissipate return once again.

Sam paced from the window, turned and paced back again, staring out into the fading light. "What do I want?" she laughed bitterly. "I want my old life back. I want my career, both my arms, Janet as my lover." Her face was flushed, her fist clenched tightly and her voice was rising with each word. "I don't want memories of the NID, of Ba'al, of having my mind and body raped again and again. I want to be normal, whole; not some fucked up cripple."

She punched the window and the sound of the glass splintering echoed in the following silence. Sam slumped to the floor, knees to her chest and buried her head to stifle the sobs that shook her body.

Alison rose quickly from her seat, worried that Sam had done some serious damage to her hand. Kneeling on the floor she took in the bloodied knuckles without touching them, gauging that the wounds were generally superficial. She waited for the blond to calm slightly and then she rested her hand gently on Sam's knee. She was rewarded by Sam looking up at her, the hurt clearly written on her face.

"Who are you angry with?" Alison asked.

"Everyone," Sam sniffed.

"Really?" Silence.

"Me."

"Why?"

"Because I was weak. Because I let myself be used. Because I wanted to die."

"And yet you are still here."

"Not because of any of my actions. If I'd had my way I would have been dead a long time ago."

"Yet I hear that while on the planet, you did everything you could to help others; to make life easier for your fellow prisoners and harder for the Jaffa."

Sam shrugged, "It was a way to survive the days. Ba'al had made his intentions clear, so I had two choices. Frankly, I had done enough wallowing in misery and he had taken the option of death from me."

"Is that true? I find it hard to believe that if you had really wanted to end it that you wouldn't have found a way."

Alison's question was met with more silence. Sam shrugged, perhaps the therapist was right, maybe her will to live had been buried deep, but it had still been there. Sam lifted her hand to look at the damaged knuckles, flexing it experimentally and watching with fascination as fresh blood spilled from several of the gashes.

"Who else?"

"What?"

"Who else are you angry with?"

Sam turned her face away so that Alison wouldn't see her shame. How could she be angry with Janet? After all that had happened, her lover was still here, had stood by her through everything. So why did she feel this way?

"Sam?"

Sam looked into the counselor's eyes, searching for condemnation. When she found none she continued, "She has everything I want; why did I go through all that and not her? Why was I the one? Every time I look at her I want to scream at her 'Why? Why not you?' She's been so lucky, it's not fair, none of this is fair. I know it's not her fault, I know she doesn't deserve my anger, but I can't help it..."

Now they were getting somewhere Alison thought grimly. Hoping she had gauged Sam's mood correctly she continued, "When was the last time Janet made love to you?"

Sam's head snapped up; the question so far from anything she expected all she could do was stare at the other woman. "What?" she managed.

"When was the last time Janet made love to you?"

"None of your damn business," she growled angrily.

"Oh, but I think it is. This is a real stumbling block for you isn't it Sam? You don't think you're worthy of her love."

"I betrayed her in the worst way possible. Other people touched me in ways that only she should. How can she even look at me, as broken and fucked up as I am? I want things to be like they were. I want to be able to give her the love, passion and respect that she deserves from me. But right now I can't, I just..." she trailed off as the emotion overwhelmed her.

"Sam, you were raped. You did nothing to deserve that. You were powerless to stop it. Don't you think she knows that?"

"But every time she touches me I can't stop the images in my head. I want to, but I can't." Sam sank back into silence, feeling fresh tears on her face. She wondered idly if there were a finite number in her body, she had certainly cried enough over the last few weeks to last a lifetime.

"You need to talk to her about all of this."

"I can't"

"Why?"

"I don't know how to."

There was the crux of it. Sam had no idea how to approach Janet; and she was so scared that the doctor would reject her that she had not even tried. Her instincts screamed at her to retreat, to rebuild her walls. If she got out now there would be nothing else that could hurt her. It had worked for her in the past, it would work again.

"Don't do this to yourself Sam. Janet loves you; she wants this as much as you do."

"But I don't even know where to begin..." she whispered.

"Talk to her."

"Not my strongest suit," Sam admitted wearily.

"So you're just going to give in? That doesn't sound like the Samantha Carter I've heard about."

"Maybe she's no longer here..."

"Sam, you've been through hell and survived. Think about how you can change some of those things you mentioned earlier. While you can't get your arm back, you can have a career at the SGC, a different one maybe, but doing something that you love. And you can still have Janet as your lover. But first you must forgive yourself. Then forgive her and let her forgive you. Don't let this destroy you."

They sat on the floor in silence, the shadows deepening as the sun set completely. The tension in the air was less though and eventually Sam allowed Alison to help her from the floor and over to the couch. The counselor switched on a lamp and took up Sam's damaged hand to examine it more closely. At that moment, Janet reappeared. She shut the door with her foot and looked down as it crunched on the glass from the window. Swiftly placing her bags on the counter, she stepped over to the other two. "What happened?" she asked, taking in the scene.

"I had an argument with the window," Sam murmured. "The window won."

Janet watched a small smile creep onto Sam's face. Impulsively she reached out and tucked a wayward strand of hair behind Sam's ear. "Let me look."

Alison released Sam's hand into Janet's care and moved into the kitchen to allow them some space. "Did you get anything good for dinner?" she called back to Janet as she poked in the bags.

"I got ingredients for lasagna."

The doctor tsked lightly and tugged Sam from her seat, "I can't see in this light, we should go to the bathroom."

As they passed the kitchen counter Janet said to Alison, "Are you okay with the dinner? We shouldn't be that long."

The counselor smiled and nodded, "Lasagna is well within my culinary skills."

"Just as well it's not me," Sam whispered, as they went on their way and Alison was glad to see a genuine smile on the blonde's face.

Janet guided Sam to sit the edge of the bath, "Stay there, I'm just going to get my bag."

In the interim stillness, the blonde took several deep breaths and for the thousandth time, tried to order her thoughts. Alison was right; she needed to talk to Janet before the gulf between them became too wide. Sam wondered if she had the strength within her. Janet returned with her bag and as she set it down Sam reached out and took the doctor's hand, pulling the smaller woman to between her legs. She swallowed hard and looked up to her lover's face, running her bloodied hand down a smooth, soft cheek. "I love you Janet Fraiser, with all my heart I love you."

Janet smiled and mirrored Sam's action, catching an errant tear with her thumb, "And I love you Samantha Carter, always have, always will."

They stood gazing at each other for long moments, neither moving, each drawing strength from the other. "Let's see then," Janet whispered, pulling Sam's hand from her own cheek. Sam's skin was still rough and hard in places, some deeply ingrained dirt evidence of her recent trials. After a thorough inspection, Janet was assured there were no splinters left in any of the wounds. Two would need gluing together; one deeper one would need a couple of stitches. "What am I going to do with you?" she chided gently.

"Sorry..." Sam winced as Janet pulled the edges of a ragged cut together. "I need to talk to you; properly."

The doctor halted her work and looked again at her lover, assuring Sam with a look that she understood. "Let's get this done first shall we?"

Sam nodded her assent and watched as Janet continued to work her magic. Ten minutes later with a neatly patched and dressed hand, Sam led Janet from the bathroom. The aroma of dinner wafted down the short hallway and Sam's stomach growled its approval. However, not to be distracted from her mission, Sam pulled Janet into the bedroom and shut the door. "Sit down please," she said nervously.

Janet moved obediently and sat on the bed, bracing herself for what was to come. Sam paced to the window and looked out to the peaceful lake to try and calm her nerves. "There are things that happened while I was away that I am ashamed of," she began. "Things I can't get out of my head. Things I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for."

She turned back into the room, trying to keep the tension from overwhelming her. "I know I've been changed in ways that affect who I am, but I don't want to lose you. I don't want to live my life without you in it; and I don't want to have this resentment towards you inside me."

To her credit, Sam stayed watching Janet, although every muscle screamed that she should run. The easy part was over, and now as she watched the emotions on her love's face she wondered again if she was strong enough to do this.

"Why do you resent me?" Janet's tone verged on hard, her eyes flashing strong emotion.

Sam swallowed, "I believed that you had betrayed me, that you had found someone else and that the vows we exchanged when this first started meant nothing to you. That's why I left. I couldn't bear to think of you with anyone else. You destroyed my hope."

Sam inhaled shakily before continuing, "I went on that mission to die; and the only reason I'm alive now is because Ba'al would not grant my death wish. When I returned to Earth and you told me you still loved me I was overwhelmed. But there is something fierce within me that resents you for not going through what I did: for still having your job, your family, your sanity..."

Janet felt her restraint snap. She had tried so hard; so hard to understand, so hard to be patient, so hard to move away from her own anger at Sam leaving. But now this... "It's always just about you isn't it?" she gritted. "The wonderful Sam Carter, hero, world saver, martyr."

The doctor stood, unable to keep still any longer. "And once you were gone, who was left here to pick up all the shit? The same person as always – me! How do you think I felt having to choose between you and Cassie? Couldn't you see past the lie to what you knew was the truth? Did you have such little faith in me?"

Pacing up and down, Janet continued, "I can't believe you gave up on us so easily. You went, and left me to deal with the rage, the guilt and the anger alone. Alone! If it hadn't been for Cassie, I would be dead now. She gave me the strength to carry on; I couldn't leave her orphaned again."

She couldn't prevent the tears of anger and frustration, but they didn't stop the tirade, "I understand that you've been through a hell of a time, but so have I. Don't you dare to presume that my suffering was so much less than yours; having to get through everyday not knowing if you were alive or dead, having to live with what I was forced to do, having to deal with the rage of the rest of the SGC. You have no idea do you?"

Sam needed to get out. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. She couldn't deal with this. She had been wrong to think she was brave enough to do this. She bolted for the door, but was stopped in her tracks by the doctor's hard, angry voice. "That's it Sam, run away, you're good at that. But you have to know, if you leave now that will be the end. There will be no way back. Is that what you really want?"

Sam rested her head on the wall, hot tears on her face, questions screaming in her head. What did she want?

It hit her full force then. What she wanted, no needed, more than any other thing, was the loving caring, fierce woman who dared challenge her.

She turned back into the room, letting her hand drop from the door knob. They came together quickly, embracing tightly as each shook with emotion. Amazed at how clearly she suddenly understood things, Sam bent and kissed Janet's lips; softly at first, but then as the smaller woman responded, with more and more intensity. Heat built rapidly between them and they were soon collapsed on the bed, a tangle of limbs. Both were still crying as they fumbled with shirts and pants and underwear. By unspoken agreement they worked each other's bodies frenziedly. Nails scored backs, teeth sunk into soft flesh and hands dipped between legs. Passion and desperation brought them both swiftly to climax and they tumbled together across the ridge of ecstasy and into the calm below.

Janet snagged the quilt from the end of the bed and pulled it over their still entwined bodies. She snuggled Sam impossibly closer and relished the contact as the taller woman responded. They drifted in a warm haze, reconnecting finally in a way that had not been possible before.

About an hour later, Sam was roused from slumber by a soft knock on the door. Temporarily disorientated she mumbled, "Come in."

She heard the door open slightly but no one entered. "Just wanted to check you were both okay."

Suddenly remembering where she was and what had transpired, she connected the voice to the counselor. "Uh yeah, we're good," she managed.

"Dinner's ready whenever you are."

The door closed again and Janet stirred at Sam's side. "What was that about dinner?"

Sam leaned in for a kiss, "I'm not sure you're appropriately dressed."

Janet pulled her closer and they indulged in their new found connection for a short while. Sam's stomach, roused by the smell that had seeped through the open door growled loudly. Janet laughed, "We better get that attended to, it might be serious."

***

They returned to the mountain on Monday morning as scheduled and once she was settled back in her quarters, Sam made her way to Hammond's office. Guiding her to a seat, the general was relieved to observe that the time away had done her some good. There was color in her cheeks and the missing spark seemed to be nearer the surface than before. He hoped the news he had wouldn't set her back, but first he wanted to find out what she had decided. "How was Minnesota?"

"It was good thanks sir; gave me some space to think."

"And?" he asked tentatively.

Sam drew a steadying breath, "I'm never going to pass a psych evaluation," she started. "There's no point in fooling myself by thinking that I will. Besides, I have no desire to be stuck behind a desk at Peterson."

"Desk jobs aren't all that bad," Hammond smiled, hoping to keep the mood light.

Sam returned the gesture, "Not for you maybe..."

A silence descended, Sam suddenly more nervous than she liked, "Does your offer still stand?" she asked tentatively.

The Texan beamed, "Of course. When can you start?"

They both laughed, but not for long. "I mean it Sam, this place is crying out for your knowledge and expertise. I don't mind admitting we've been lost without you."

"Well you'll have to check with my doctor, but I'm available immediately."

Suddenly more serious, George nodded, "I'll talk to Doctor Fraiser. I will also need to complete your discharge papers."

Sam looked down ruefully at her damaged arm. "Yeah," she managed quietly.

"There is one other thing," Hammond continued. "The President has scheduled a visit for this Friday. He's bringing Senator Kinsey with him."

He watched Sam struggle with the news, giving her a few minutes to digest it. "I want you in post by then," he said defiantly.

Sam swallowed her nausea and nodded. She could do this. "I'm sure that'll be fine sir."

***

That evening, Janet took Sam back home for the first time. The doctor had persuaded Cassie to stay with a friend and the blonde spent the evening reacquainting herself with once familiar things: the couch, the fire, her bike, the Volvo. Janet made dinner and the reconnection continued up the stairs to their bedroom, the bed... This time, the exploration was slow and loving, the previous raw emotion replaced with tenderness and care. There were still issues they both needed to deal with, but as Sam lay in Janet's arms, she knew without a doubt that they would get through them together.

***

"You know Carter, I can just shoot him before he gets down here." Jack said, as he fiddled with a circuit board.

"Indeed Samantha, it would be my privilege to destroy this man for you." Teal'c added from his position at the door.

Daniel shrugged, "I'm with them on this Sam."

She smiled at them, overjoyed to feel at ease with things. "He's not worth it. It will be okay, really. Besides, don't you want to see his face?"

Jack looked up at her, the smile was genuine enough, but it didn't hide the apprehension in her eyes. "You'll all be there anyway. He can't hurt me anymore..." she trailed off, her mood suddenly darker as her head dropped to her chest.

Daniel was across the lab in a shot, his strong arms engulfing her in a bear hug. "Of course we'll all be there," he murmured to her. "He is never going to hurt you again."

A couple of hours later, Janet found the four of them huddled round the work bench in the middle of Sam's lab. "How can you say that's a pyramid Jack?" Daniel said indignantly, stabbing his finger at the offending picture, "It doesn't even have enough sides!"

The doctor heard Sam giggle and another small piece of the permanent weight on her chest was lifted. "I hate to break up the art class," she smirked, "But the commissary closes in thirty minutes and I have no record of Doctor Carter having been there today."

They broke apart then and herded Sam out of the lab to find food. Even though she was technically no longer part of their team, they had not let her out of their sight since her return to official work. Janet was thankful.

***

Friday dawned chilly and damp. As they stepped out of the house, Sam was reminded sharply of a muddy planet that harbored nothing but pain and torment. She leaned briefly on the door frame, waiting for the onslaught of images to pass. A soft hand on her back helped. "You okay?"

"Hmm," she nodded, "Nothing major..."

"I can call you in sick you know?"

"I need to do this."

They moved to the car, Sam grateful that Janet was going to drive.

***

Sam heard them approach from down the corridor and wiped her sweaty hand on her pants. The swell of nausea had not left her all morning, but now it threatened even harder. Kinsey's voice was unmistakable, "So I hear you've appointed a new head of the science department. Who is it?"
The last words were spoken as the Presidential party turned into the lab. Kinsey stopped dead when he saw Sam; his face slack jawed in disbelief. It took longer than anyone expected for him to recover. His face reddened in anger, "What? What are you doing here?"

Before anyone could reply, a blinding white light engulfed them all and in a blink they were standing in the command centre of Thor's ship. Teal'c, Katherine Fuller, Daniel and Janet were also on board. Thor's tiny feet pattered on the shiny floor as he approached the newest arrivals. "Greetings. I am Thor, Supreme Commander of the Asgard."

It was very apparent to Sam that the only people who weren't expecting this were herself and Kinsey. No one else seemed surprised.

"Thor! Buddy! Good to see you. I think you know everyone here?"

The small Asgard nodded once and then turned to the senator. "Senator Kinsey, I believe we have met before. It seems that you did not take me seriously on that occasion."

"What?" Kinsey sneered, "I have no idea what the alien is talking about."

The rest of the group took a collective breath at the senator's disdain.
"I mentioned then that it was not wise to underestimate me. Now I have learned about your treachery with regard to Samantha Carter and Doctor Fraiser."

"What?" he repeated, this time more angrily.

"While the Asgard do not normally interfere with the internal affairs of planets under its protection, we feel that this case is an exception."

Jack folded his arms, trying desperately to stop the grin spreading across his face.

Thor tipped his head and regarded the senator closely. "I did not believe humans were capable of such cruelty. Your actions put the whole galaxy in jeopardy and for that you shall be punished."

"What on earth are you talking about? Mister President, how can you allow this... this being to kidnap us in such a way?"

"Oh this isn't a kidnap Kinsey, more of a scheduled stop on the tour," the President said. "Colonel Fuller was kind enough to fill me in on what has happened over the last two years and I asked General Hammond to arrange the rest. Of course, as we are technically in Asgard territory, our laws have no jurisdiction."

"I too have read Colonel Fuller's report," Thor continued, "I must say I am alarmed that something like this could ever be allowed to happen; but you are still very young, so these things are to be expected. I have consulted your legal regulations to decide an appropriate punishment. I believe a set number of years in prison is called for."

Kinsey was purple with rage, "This is preposterous! You can't just send me to prison. There has to be a fair trail, a chance for me to defend myself."

"Just as Samantha Carter and Doctor Fraiser were given the chance?"

Kinsey's jaw smacked shut and he whirled round the people standing there looking for some support. He found none. "This won't be the end; I'll have my lawyers all over you by the end of the day! You have nothing on me!" he bellowed.

Thor blinked. "We have made a choice of suitable location. We will be there momentarily. Is everything prepared O'Neill?"

Jack looked at Sam and grinned broadly, "Yep, it's all good."

Sam looked up at the screen that displayed the chosen place; the new prison on the Alpha site. She returned Jack's smile.

"The Asgard High Council deems twenty years to be an appropriate amount of time."

"What?" Kinsey cried. But before he could say more, he dematerialized and reappeared in a cell on the screen.

"You may converse with him if you wish." Thor said.

Jack stepped to the console, "The thing is Kinsey, your lawyers won't know where you are; and we can't tell them – it's all highly classified you know."

Thor blanked the screen before they heard the senator's tirade.

Janet stepped over to Sam and they hugged tightly, another part of the huge weight lifting from them. Sam broke the embrace and knelt down to be level with the Asgard. She was close to tears. "Thank you Thor. I'm sure we would never have achieved this without your help."

"You are welcome Samantha. The Asgard is proud to have such strong allies as the Tau'ri."

"Yeah, Thor old buddy," Jack added. "Nice job."

"Thank you O'Neill. It has been a pleasure." Jack thought he saw a glint of mischief in the Asgard's eye – but he couldn't be sure.

The President looked at his watch, "Now Thor, if you don't mind, I was about to be introduced to the head of the science department."

Thor bowed and walked back to the control panel. While they had been talking, the ship had jumped once more to be over earth.

"Until we meet again," Thor bowed. A white light engulfed the whole party and they all found themselves in Sam's lab.

After a small amount of discussion, Hammond cleared his throat and said, "Mr. President, I would like you to meet the head of the science department, Doctor Samantha Carter."