An Eating Of The Minds

by boilerbmw

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asb/boilerbmw/eatminds.php
Summary: John needs a 'food buddy' to help him recover. Who will it be?

Part 1

It started innocently enough; an extra power bar in his supply kit, extra helpings of desert when he bothered to eat in the mess hall. Fresh fruit from the mainland left in his room after team night. If John hadn't know who was doing it he might have thought he had a secret admirer. He did know who was responsible, however, and could only wish it was done out of admiration. It was that desire that grated at his unsteady nerves and had him cornering Rodney in his lab.

"Enough, damn it! I don't care what the hell Beckett told you. I want you to knock it off!" John all but yelled the words and tried to ignore the hurt confusion on McKay's face. "I don't need some pain in the ass power eater trying to force feed me so leave me the hell alone."

John stormed off, ignoring both McKay's half- hearted attempt to respond and the shocked looks of his research team. He had a bone to pick with the big-mouthed Dr. Beckett.

Moments later his righteous anger slipped down the proverbial drain and John only wished he could follow. He wasn't so far gone that he couldn't recognize Becketts sincere denial..or his disapproving response to the accusation.

"Of course I wouldn't break privilege, Major. Although should there not be some improvement soon, I will be forced to ground you from missions and Dr. Weir will need an explanation. As for Rodney, I'm sure he was trying to be thoughtful in his own clueless way. He doesn't always relate so well to people but his heart is in the right place. I hope you weren't too hard on him..I'm sure it took courage to try to help you. You should know, Major, that Rodney admires you greatly. He's quite proud that you let him stay on his team. I'm not sure that you realize how much extra work he does at all hours of the night to try to prepare for missions. I've almost had to ground him a few times.." Beckett's voice trailed off as he realized that he was speaking too freely. Then he saw Sheppard's face. "Oh bloody hell man..what did you do?"

John whirled to go but felt the room start to spin. He never even felt himself fall. Never heard Dr. Beckett call for help. Never saw anything but the hurt on Rodney's face..and that was just in his mind because his eyes were rolled back in his head. Then he knew nothing at all.

Part 2

When John woke up he could tell that he was in the infirmary and was hooked up to at least one machine, probably more. Never one to let logic stand in his way, (especially when his way was heading out of an infirmary) John attempted to throw his legs off the bed. He really, really hated infirmaries.

"Not so fast, boyo! Where do you think you're going? You're in no shape to get out of that bed." Carson Beckett was glaring at John in a way he reserved solely for his worst patients. More softly he continued. "Major, you're mildly dehydrated and malnourished. You're 15 pounds underweight and that's being generous. I know your sleep cycles have been off. Basically your whole system is off kilter and I've seen no indication that you're taking better care of yourself, despite your promise. As of now you are on medical leave and under strict doctor's orders. I'm sorry Major, but I've already made my report to Dr. Weir."

John sat in the dimmed room and wondered how the hell it had come to this. His body was weak and tired. His mind was foggy and he knew he needed to sleep. He realized that he felt more miserable than he could remember feeling ever in his life. His misery was interrupted as he heard someone enter his room. When no one came closer or spoke he wearily raised his head and was astonished to see the last person he felt he deserved to see.

Rodney looked equal parts hesitant and belligerent as he stood in the doorway to Sheppard's infirmary room. "I brought chocolate. If I knew you weren't going to yell at me, I'd give it to you." The voice was right, snotty and a bit condescending, but the eyes were worried..almost fearful.

John realized that just the sight of his friend calmed his nerves and he smiled a welcome. "Hey, Rodney. Pull up a chair. I was just thinking about you." He felt a flash of guilt when Rodney looked at him in surprise. "Sorry, Rodney." John realized that he could offer the apology more graciously but he was so damn tired.

At least Rodney wasn't the type of guy who pretended not to understand. He stood up and smiled, a shy half smile but a sincere one. "That's ok, Major. I can be a bit overbearing..or ah so I've been told." John saw real pain hidden in the self-deprecating grin that Rodney threw him. Pain that John felt responsible for.

"Damn it, Rodney. The only thing you did wrong was tried to be a good friend to someone that doesn't deserve it! " He heard the tremble in his voice and no matter how badly he wanted to explain, he couldn't continue.

Rodney looked as uncomfortable as John felt. He was all but wringing his hands and pacing back and forth anxiously. John was almost tempted to let his burning eyes overflow..just to see the look on Rodney's face. "Man I am so out of it!" he realized.

Finally, he forced out the words he really wanted to say. "I'm really tired but I need to talk to you. Can..can you stay a bit, Rodney? Just for a while?" John suddenly felt weak and foolish and a myriad of other emotions. But none of those mattered as through closed eyes, he heard the sound of a chair being moved. Rodney sat as closely to the bed as possible and John felt a hesitant hand patting his arm. A feeling of such warmth ran through him that a few tears slipped from under his closed eyelids, despite his efforts to hold them back.

He felt gentle fingers wipe them away and a soft, understanding voice that whispered, "I'll stay, John. I'll stay as long as you want me to." And John slept.

Part 3

John woke up feeling rested and stronger than he'd felt in awhile. He saw that he was still hooked to an I.V. but all the other machines were silent. So silent that he could hear the argument going on behind the curtain.

"Damn it Carson. You can't keep him here; he'll go crazy. Surely there has to be a better way. I mean unless he's dying of some alien virus or something."

"Rodney, I know you care for the Major but you don't know all the details and I can't tell you. Now why don't you go get some rest? Sleeping in a chair all night has to be hell on your back."

"Right, well..right. I'll just go then. But if I can help..you know, in a not pissing him off kind of way..let me know."

John didn't know half of what was going on in his head but he knew one thing. He didn't want Rodney to leave him alone in this place.

"Hey, McKay, Beckett..do I have any say in the matter?" He was almost amused at the sheepish expressions as the men looked around the screen.

"I don't want to stay here. In fact, I can't stay here. So how about a compromise? I get to go back to my quarters but I'll check in with you once a day on my progress." Seeing the disbelief in Carson's eyes he quickly continued. "And to make sure I stick to my end of the bargain, Rodney here can keep tabs on me. Oh, and Carson you can tell him anything he needs to know. I don't mind and I ..I trust him. Besides I know I'll need some help. Ah, guess I should have asked..Rodney do you mind helping me out for a while?"

John made a note to himself to analyze the stunned look on Rodney's face at a later time. He looked almost joyful at the prospect of being trusted with this chore. Carson still looked doubtful but John had no doubt that he'd get his way. He fell asleep to the sound of Beckett telling Rodney the details of John's condition and what needed to be done to 'fix' him. He found that he slept more soundly knowing that he wasn't alone with his problem. Some part of him knew that Rodney wouldn't let him go. Wouldn't let him down.

Part 4

When John woke up he noticed that his clothes were on his bed and the I.V. had been removed. Rodney was back in the chair, dozing. He started awake when John moved and grinned ruefully.

"Sorry, Major, you're not as interesting to watch sleep as I'd imagined!" At John's raised eyebrows, Rodney turned a very fetching shade of pink. John just leaned back and waited for the inevitable babbling. Although John rather liked the thought of Rodney wanting to see him sleeping he was sure there was an explanation. To his surprise Rodney changed the subject quickly.

"Well, Major, here's the deal. Carson has agreed to release you if and only if I become your 'food and sleep' buddy. By that I mean that I control what you eat and when. You follow my directions or you come back to your charming room at Chez Beckett."

John was prepared to tell Rodney exactly what he though of that idea but stopped when he realized Rodney was in full defensive mode. He was wearing the look he got when he was afraid he was going to be rejected. In a burst of self -honesty, John realized that rejecting Rodney was not something he ever planned to do. He mentally resigned himself to being bullied for the next few weeks. Forcing a smile he agreed. The only pleasure he received was from seeing the almost shy look of pleasure on Rodney's face. It was quickly replaced by the more commonly seen smirk and Rodney was off to tell Carson the news.

Part 5

John awoke feeling bemused. He was also feeling full and rested and basically better than he had in months. It had been 10 days since his agreement with Rodney and Carson. 10 days that had not gone as he had predicted. He had expected to be bullied and teased and forced into a 'program' of eating and sleeping. Maybe even some payback for all the intense training scenarios he'd put Rodney through. Instead, he had been pampered and soothed and comforted. Rodney had proved to be surprisingly comforting. Once he had grasped the nature of the problem, he had gone to extreme lengths to take care of John. He made sure that John had the freshest food and took his vitamins and supplements. He kept John occupied by presenting him with problems and puzzles and all types of alien devices.

According to Carson, the alien virus that had started the whole mess was totally gone from his system. He had gained eight pounds back and was sleeping almost through the night. Of course he still had to talk to Heightmeyer, a chore which he gone to great lengths to put off. But as Carson had said, the virus had just exasperated his already shaky constitution. He had been battling stress, and sleep deprivation for months. Although he put on a brave front, John had not been prepared for the rigors of leadership. The nightmares had become so bad he found he couldn't eat or sleep. His weakened state had been an open invitation for any bug wanting in.

Again to his surprise, Rodney had not badgered him for details of the dreams. Not even last night when John had awakened to find himself tightly embraced by a sleeping Rodney. From the wet spot on Rodney's shirt, John had surmised that he'd had a nightmare and his friend had soothed him through it. Rather than waking Rodney, John had just curled back into the embrace, feeling warm and safe. When he awoke the next time, Rodney was gone and now there was a snack of fresh muffins on the table.

John sat and contemplated all that Rodney had done for him. John knew he wasn't the easiest of patients. He hated weakness in himself and he felt so out of control here in Atlantis. Appetite suddenly gone, he tossed the muffin into the trash. Just then Rodney came in.

"Ah ah, Major. No abuse of innocent muffins on my watch. You still have to gain back five more pounds before Carson releases you. That means food in you not the trash can." Rodney kept his tone light but John could see the concern..the unasked questions. Suddenly it was all too much and he took the whole tray and threw it across the room.

"Screw the food Rodney! Screw you, too." John then proceeded to list everything else that he wanted screwed. From the Wraith to the Genii to Jack O'fucking Neill. He continued until he literally ran out of breath. He sat on the bed panting, refusing to look at Rodney. "You see McKay, I don't deserve to be here; I'm not fit to be in charge of dick, let alone the whole damn expedition. I don't deserve yo..anything. Now you know so just get..get the hell out of here."

Lethargy replaced the anger and John sank to his bed, refusing to look and see whatever expression was on Rodney's face. At least now, Rodney knew. He knew what a screw-up John was. He could leave without feeling guilty. He had to leave because John could feel the tears. The tears he'd been fighting for days..maybe months. He could feel all the emotions that he been suppressing. Fear, anger, despair..all bubbled just below the surface. Rodney had to leave because John couldn't bear the thought of exposing Rodney to even more of the pathetic mess that was John Sheppard.

John started at the feel of hands on his shoulders, pressing him into the soft blankets. Even though he'd just slept for hours he wanted nothing more than to slide again into oblivion. Then Rodney was pulling off the sweaty tee shirt and rubbing John's shoulders with a damp towel. John allowed himself to be cleaned off and couldn't form a protest even when the towel disappeared and strong hands began to massage his shoulders and back. Over and over the hands dug into tight muscles, kneading and rubbing and soothing. Once John felt just the barest of touches as the roughened pads of Rodney's fingers ghosted over his skin. He couldn't help the shiver, or the goose bumps that appeared any more than he could have stopped his erection from hardening.

Then the magic hands were pushing and prodding him onto his back. Ashamed of his body's reaction, he covered his still wet face with an arm. To his surprise, Rodney stayed silent. Even more surprising was that the towel was once again being run over sweaty skin, cleaning and comforting him. Then John groaned aloud at the sensation of Rodney's hands caressing his chest. He dared a peek from under his arm and was stunned to see the look of adoration of Rodney's face.

Rodney firmly moved John's arm and locked their eyes together. "John, all of what you're feeling can be explained with two words." Making sure that he had John's attention he spoke again. "You're human! Well, I guess that might be three words if you count the contraction..oh but I digress. The point is, John it's ok for you to be scared and angry and sad. But John..now listen- this is key! You don't have to be any of those things on your own. You have friends, people who care for you. People who love you, even."

The last words were spoken so softly that John might not have heard them if he hadn't suddenly found himself so close to Rodney's mouth. Then that mouth was touching his mouth and it was so sweet and good that John completely forgot about his ongoing battle with the tears. He felt his face grow wet then heard with almost horror the first hoarse sob go from him into Rodney's mouth. Rodney pulled back despite the tight grip John had on him. "Let it go, John. Let it go, I'm here for you."

And for the first time in his life, John let go, knowing that he had someone who would catch him. He cried until his muscles ached and his head hurt. He sobbed out every doubt he'd ever had about himself. And not once did the hold on him loosen.
No recriminations, no look of pity or disgust. Just the sympathy of a friend and perhaps the affection of a lover.

After the storm passed, John managed a watery, "Man, I feel like crap!" His muscles felt like wet noodles and his eyes and head were throbbing.

Rodney just smiled at him and washed his face with a damp cloth. The smile turned to a grin as John's stomach growled. He pulled the small table over to the bed and uncovered the treat he had brought in. John's mouth began to water almost immediately.

Part 6

Rodney had uncovered a delicious array of foods. Some from Earth and some form the mainland. There were eggs and cheese and what looked and smelled like fresh bread. Some small cookie like things covered with sugar and at least three kinds of fruit. There was even a now rare chocolate bar, broken into pieces. John reached for a piece but was found his hand pushed back onto the bed.

"Sorry, Major, you've been accused of harm with malice to a muffin. You're eating privileges have been curtailed. Just lay back and accept your punishment." John was bemused to realize that Rodney intended to feed him. Bemused and slightly aroused. He found himself wondering if the kiss had meant what he hoped it meant or if it was a strange care-giving Canadian custom.

His question was put to rest as Rodney picked up a piece of fruit and placed it at John's lips, letting his fingers rest at John's mouth. John refused to make Rodney guess and took in the fingers as well as the fruit. The gentle sucking had Rodney's blue eyes darkening and his breathing increase.

And so it went. John ate everything Rodney gave him. Then the sugar from the cookies had to be licked from Rodney's palms. The juice from the fruit had to be sucked from sticky fingers. John felt compelled to share the cheese and offered Rodney a bite from a piece currently in between John's lips. By the end of the meal John was full in every sense of the word.

Rodney looked at the now empty plate and then back at John. Even after helping John eat his meal, the look in Rodney's eyes could only be called hungry. His hands cupped John's face and spoke softly. "I care for you, John. Really, really care for you. I just wanted you to know." And Rodney proceeded to taste every inch of John's body. Rodney kissed his face and nibbled his neck and licked his nipples. In between John's moans and gasps and panting, Rodney managed to feed John yet another chocolate bar. After slipping the last piece between swollen lips, Rodney suddenly lowered John's pajama bottoms and sucked his erection deep into his warm wet mouth. John wondered vaguely who was making that God-awful keening noise then stopped thinking entirely as he exploded into bone-deep ecstasy.

Part 7

A week later John walked into the mess with a bounce in his step and a cheerful grin on his face. Finally, he'd been cleared for light duty. He felt..happy. He'd gained the necessary weigh back and then some. He could sleep again, peaceful sleep. He knew he owed both to Rodney. Rodney had created several new ways to entice John into eating, all of them revolving around sex. If John did wake up during the night, Rodney was there to hold him and if necessary love him senseless. Rodney also sat with him during his mandatory sessions with Heightmeyer. No matter what John confessed to or worried about, Rodney would say how proud he was of John. When John told Rodney that he loved him, Rodney cried. Oh he pretended that it was allergies but John just held him and kissed him. And when John let him inside of his body for the first time that night, Rodney cried again as he told John that he loved him, too.

So now John was headed to the table where his team sat. Dr. Weir and Dr. Heightmeyer were there as well.

"Hey guys..I'm back!!" John all but shouted. He sat across from Rodney and brightly. Damn life was good and John felt at peace. He still struggled but now, not alone. He could live with that. Then a new problem arose.

"Congratulations, Major. Good to have you back. Here have a cookie!" Rodney might have looked innocent but there was a gleam in his eye as he licked his own fingers. John was horrified to realize that he was hard. As he worked on controlling his body before he had to stand again, he heard his lover telling Teyla all about a fascinating man named Pavlov and his trained dogs.