Finding Rodney

by boilerbmw

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asb/boilerbmw/frodney.php
Summary: Every genius has secrets. John wants to know what Rodney is hiding

"Oh God, John ..no can't.. uh uh God, oh please.. can't stop.." Rodney finished his incoherent babbling by screaming hoarsely. His back arched up and his eyes rolled back in his head. His naked and sweat covered body shook helplessly with tiny aftershocks.

All in all, thought John smugly, it was the hottest thing he'd ever seen and it turned him on beyond belief that he was the cause of his new lovers speedy orgasm. His fingers had barely entered Rodneys body, lips barely touched the head of Rodneys engorged penis when the shudders began. His pleased expression changed as he realized that the tremors were not dissipating and that Rodney had flung and arm over his face. Instead of sated praise for John's skill, Rodney was murmuring apologies.

"Sorry, God I'm so, so sorry. Please, I'll do better I swear give me another chance." Rodney wiped his eyes and rolled over so quickly that John didn't have time to react. "I'll take care of you John, it'll be so good, let me just," Rodney stopped short at the sight of Johns wilting erection. "Stupid so stupid I ruin everything." He would have continued but John had regained his equilibrium and gently took Rodneys face in his hands.

"Stop, Rodney, just stop and talk to me," he whispered. He didn't like how Rodneys eyes were glazed and distant. Once again he was thrown as Rodney literally jumped from the bed and began dressing.

"Well, I need to get back and I'm sure you have things to do. I'll ah I'll see you at the briefing tomorrow, yes?" Before he left the room he looked at John and finished softly. " I really am sorry, if you ever need or want um well anything..I'll do better I swear." The look in Rodneys eyes almost broke Johns heart. But before he could form any kind of response Rodney was gone.

~~~

"What the hell was that?" John asked himself. It had been at least ten minutes since Rodney had run out of the room and John was still sitting in the same position staring at the door. One minute he had been basking in the satisfaction of bringing his new lover to a shattering orgasm, anticipating his own completion. The next minute he had been facing a frantically apologetic man whose primary goal was getting the hell away from John.

"All right Shep, you may not be as smart as Rodney but you're no slouch in the brain department. Let's think this through. What was the chain of events that led to this?"

John had known for some time that Rodney was infatuated with him. He had noticed the furtive, appreciative glances during their workouts. He smiled, remembering the first time he had showed up to a briefing in his black short- sleeved t-shirt. Rodney had choked on his coffee and spent an inordinate amount of time 'cleaning up' in the bathroom. But John was a cautious man and he wasn't interested in a fling or even a friendly buddy screw. So he waited and watched. He needed to determine if this was a case of hero worship or genuine affection on Rodney's part.

His answer came one night as he lay in the infirmary. He had received a slight concussion on the last mission. Not serious but the ever conscientious Carson Beckett refused to let him return to his quarters. As he lay still, trying to get comfortable, he heard Rodney ask the on duty nurse about him. He quickly feigned sleep and waited and hoped.

"John? John, are you awake? Oh well, I'll just come back when you're conscious." But despite his words John felt Rodney sit on the side of his bed and gently run soft fingers across his forehead and down his cheek. "I really need to take better care of you. Macho idiot that you are! I need to do a better job so you stop getting hurt. Be well, please be well." As if the words weren't telling enough John felt a soft, barely there kiss on his cheek. Rodney was gone and John had his answer.

An opportunity to take the next step presented itself not three days later. The team had taken to spending at least one night a week together. Usually a training session was followed by dinner and then a movie or game. This particular evening both Teyla and Aiden were feeling the effects of a bug running through the city. John met Rodney in the training room and was pleased to see that they were quite alone.

"Hey Rodney, let's try a few defensive wrestling moves. I'll put a hold on you and you try to break away; it'll be good self defense practice." John pretended not to notice the faint blush on Rodney's face or the almost audible gulp he made. He placed his arms around Rodney's waist but instead of moving into a wrestlers hold he merely stood there, swaying slightly. Rodney had stiffened and tried to move away but John had simply held on tightly. "We could practice, have dinner and play some cards, have a regular night. Or we could go to my quarters and make love. I know which I'd choose Rodney, what about you?" John was not above stacking the deck in his favor and as he whispered the words he used lips and tongue to caress Rodney's ear.

Rodney had relaxed into his embrace and then turned to him with an almost shy smile. Within minutes they were in Johns room naked and sweaty, trading wet sloppy kisses. Kisses that had John hard and leaking in a way he had not experienced in a long time.

"Think, John what happened that scared Rodney so badly" John remembered that Rodney had been almost frantic to touch John. He had wanted to go down on John immediately. At the time John had thought Rodney was just really horny but now.. He remembered that Rodney had gone still as John rolled on top of him, not scared exactly, but what? It had almost seemed like he didn't know what to do yet John had no doubt that Rodney had been with a man before. He had seemed so eager to please, almost desperate in fact. And then when John had touched him, Rodney had orgasmed almost immediately. Instead of pleasure though, Rodney felt shamed. John tried to think of what could make his usually confident teammate that hesitant. Quite frankly he didn't like any of the possibilities.

Now the question was: "Do I want to pursue this? It's obvious that there are some issues here..maybe serious ones. Maybe I should call it off before it actually starts." Even as he had these thoughts John was snorting in amusement. "Who do I think I'm kidding?" The truth was he was damn close to in love with his snarky scientist. He had never known someone like Rodney before. Brilliant, arrogant and sarcastic, brave, generous: and maybe vulnerable in a way that nobody else knew about. "The man has a way of bringing out the best and worst in people..what a gift!" John vowed to himself that he would find out what ghosts haunted Rodney McKay and do his best to vanquish them.

With no further ado he set off to track down his disappearing lover.

~~~

"What the hell was that?" Rodney McKay asked himself. "As if you didn't know better! As if you hadn't had it drilled into your head that you are totally worthless in bed! Why for Gods sake did I think it'd be different with John?"

But Rodney had been helpless against the warm breath in his ear, the wet tongue tracing his lobe, promising more. God, he had wanted the 'more.' "Is it too much to ask that just once I get what I want?" but even as he asked the question Rodney knew the answer. Ryan had been nothing if not honest with Rodney.

"Babe, you are damn lucky that I love you so much cause I gotta tell you, you kinda suck in bed.. and not in the good way."

So Rodney had tried harder. After all he had not won every science award and grant he'd ever tried for by being lazy and stupid. He was a damn genius; surely he could learn to satisfy his lover. So he did what he knew best, he studied books, researched the net and practiced. His efforts were in vain and for the first time in his life Rodney faced failure.

"Holy crap, Rodney hold still, You're too damn tight. Didn't you loosen yourself up? Well, if Mr. Genius couldn't figure that out I guess he'll just have to suffer through it. I am not stopping now, oh yeah, gonna come." That had been his praise for trying anal sex for the first time. After Ryan had come in Rodney virgin ass he'd rolled over and gone to sleep, leaving Rodney in physical and emotional agony.

He really had been lucky Ryan stayed with him. Ryan told Rodney all along how great his other lovers had been. But he had loved Rodney and Rodney was prepared to do anything to please him. He had worked really hard to learn to deep throat and finally received some praise for his efforts. "Hot damn, finally you do something right! You've moved from a zero to a 2 babe. Guess I'll stay awhile longer. After all who else would have you?" Rodney received no physical pleasure from most of their love -making but the relief he felt that Ryan wasn't leaving him was almost as strong as an orgasm.

The night he returned from an awards banquet, award and grant money in hand to find Ryan in their bed with another man had been beyond bad. Ryan had told him to sit down and shut up. "Watch and learn Rodney. This is how a real man makes love to his lover. Pay attention and maybe we'll include you" It had taken all of Rodney's will power not to throw up. But of course Ryan would need to blow off steam with a better lover once in awhile. He still loved Rodney, he did. He was just doing this to help Rodney learn. So he sat down and shut up, award and check dropped heedlessly on the ground. He tried to watch and learn and when the unnamed man told Ryan that he wanted to screw the loser, Ryan looked deep into Rodney's eyes and said "Yes, let's teach him a real lesson."

Rodney woke up the next morning sore and sick and horrified by the knowledge that he had failed again. He would never be able to do or say the things he was supposed to. Ryan had been so angry with him for ruining the fun "as usual". "God Rodney it's like fucking a eunuch. you can't even come! Here suck me deep, prove you're at least good for something!"

"He wasn't abusive thank God, he never hit me, I just wasn't enough for him," remembered Rodney sadly. After nearly a year and a half, Ryan had moved on leaving a devastated Rodney behind, alone.

Knowing that he'd never be able to satisfy a lover, Rodney stayed alone, aloof: until he met John Sheppard. Beautiful, brave and kind as well. For the first time in years Rodney felt a touch of desire and he relished the return of that feeling. Of course he had no plans to pursue the major but he did begin to dream a bit. "What would it be like to kiss him, maybe take him in to my mouth. At least I could pleasure in some small way; maybe it would be enough for him. Maybe I could become better."

Even as Rodney had these thoughts he knew better, because Ryan had always been honest with him. "You've either got it or you don't and Rod, trust me on this: you don't," he used to say. And really Rodney appreciated the truth, that way he wouldn't make a mistake and try again.

But nevertheless, he worked hard in the weapons and self-defense training. He studied until all hours of the night to learn all he could about their new home and the Ancient technology. He knew he couldn't do much, but if he could protect John even a little bit, all the hard work would be worth it.

He wasn't sure why John decided to have sex with him but he could have never in a million years said no to the man. As they went to the Majors quarters, Rodney had tried to remember what he was supposed to do. Ryan said no man wanted much foreplay; he always wanted Rodney to kneel down and start sucking. But John wanted to kiss and kiss some more. Rodney had actually felt a rush of desire run through his body. He tried to stop, kneel down and do the one thing that might keep John interested for at least a short time. But John wasn't doing anything the way Rodney was used to. He actually rolled Rodney to the bottom and kissed his way across his chest, licking his tender nipples, tonguing his navel and finally touching the tip of his tongue to Rodney's erect penis. Rodney knew he was being a horrible partner by just laying there but he truly didn't know what to do. He knew he was supposed to be servicing John, making him feel good but John was the one who placed him here. Was it a test? Before he could voice his tentative question, he felt something at his entrance. He was relieved. At least he knew what was coming. But no, this was something new. John's fingers were gentle and covered with something slippery. They were pushing into his body, one at a time. He couldn't help the cry of pleasure that was forced out of his lips. Damn, he knew he wasn't supposed to make noise..no distractions.

"Oh, my god," he was screaming inside, having to bite his lips to keep it in. There was pressure, wonderful pressure inside his body, all thoughts stopped for a moment and he felt so peaceful, so free. There was no pain, no sick feeling of misery; just an intense pleasure inside of him, like a living thing fighting to get loose. Then a white-hot spike of sensation hit him, at the same time he felt Johns warm wet mouth settle over the tip of his erection. Nothing in his life had ever felt this good. It was beyond good, it was ecstasy. Suddenly, past the incredible feelings rushing through his newly awakened body, he remembered.

"Oh God, John.. no can't..uh uh God, oh please.. can't stop.." And to his shame Rodney had come. God it was the most powerful orgasm he'd ever had. But the pleasure was outweighed by the shameful knowledge that he'd ruined everything. He hadn't done his duty..John had received no pleasure. John was so disgusted by this selfishness that he'd even lost his erection. Oh, he'd been kind, of course he had. John was a beautiful person. So Rodney had done the right thing and left quickly without a fuss. Maybe if he could show John that he really did know his place, John would give him another chance to prove himself.

If he could just have one more chance, he'd do better.. he would. After all he was a genius, wasn't he?

JOHN

Major John Sheppard was a man who always had a plan; granted it wasn't always a good plan, but hey, the rules he'd always played by were way different in this galaxy. His plan right now was simple..find Rodney McKay. Sadly his oh-so-brilliant plan hadn't filled him in on what to do once Rodney was found. However, John had always prided himself on his ability to acquire and process data quickly and efficiently. Defeat was not an option. This battle was too important, Rodney was too important and if he had never learned that before ..Well no time like the present. Besides John was a big believer in having a plan B.

He rang the chime to Rodneys room and wasn't surprised when the door was opened instantly. He was a bit taken aback by the look of determination in Rodneys eyes.

"Thank you John, so much. Thank you for giving me another chance; I promise I won't screw up again. Just let me show you." And Rodney was on his knees reaching for Johns belt still murmuring. " I'll be good, so good. I can do it, I swear."

"Whoa, whoa, Rodney hold up a minute!" exclaimed John. "Slow down, I think we really need to talk before anything happens, don't you?" Though his words were spoken gently, Rodney looked as if John had hit him.

"W what? I.. I thought you were giving me another chance. Let me give you what you want, John Let me try." The pleading tone in Rodneys voice shook John deeply.

"Rodney," he stated calmly, "I don't think you understand what I want and I'd really like a chance to tell you. Can we just sit for a few minutes and talk?"

To his surprise Rodney actually looked relieved. " Sure, John, that would be great. If you can just tell me what you want, what I need to do for you. That would make things easier. I ah I may not be very good at everything but I swear, I'll get better if you just tell me what I should do."

Johns mind was working furiously and a not so pretty picture was being painted. "What about you, Rodney? What do you want?" he asked quietly. He kept his eyes on Rodney and there.. that look of total confusion. The pieces were coming together and John fought to keep his temper in check. He had a very bad feeling about this and he was pretty sure he'd have to beat the crap out of someone when he got back to Earth.

RODNEY

"What do I want?" This was not going how he'd planned. "What does he mean what do I want? Is he testing me again?" Rodneys thoughts were going a mile a minute.

"I want to please you, of course. I want to.. well whatever you want. Why are you trying to trick me? Just tell me what I should do. You said that you'd tell me..give me a chance." Rodney was horrified to feel the sting of tears in his eyes. Tears were bad..he remembered.

"For Gods sake Rodney you cry like a girl..and let me tell you, if I wanted a girl I'd sure get one prettier than you. Now stop sniveling." Ryan had been very clear on the subject of tears and Heaven forbid Rodney have one of his panic attacks around Ryan.

But Rodney felt his breathing start to hitch; his control was slipping. "Oh God not now..not my second chance," he wailed to himself. He felt the first tears fall and the overwhelming sense of despair and grief sent him to his knees. He was actually dimly grateful for the knowledge that he would soon pass out.

When he came to, Rodney was in a total state of confusion. He was wrapped in a warm blanket and there was a cool cloth covering his eyes. Even stranger, he was not alone. He was enfolded in a gentle embrace. Once he was able to concentrate he realized that a soft voice was reading to him. John was still here. Rodneys tired brain didn't understand. What was happening? What was he supposed to do now?

JOHN

John was sitting in Rodney's bed propped against the wall. Rodneys back was pressed to his chest and Johns arms were loosely enfolding his friend. When he Rodney stir he put down the book and ran a gentle hand across Rodneys face.

"Hey there, you scared me for a minute..feeling better?" John could feel the tension returning to Rodneys body. "Shh, it's just me and you know I won't hurt you, right? Never want to hurt you, Rodney. Just want to love you. Will you let me love you?" John kept up his quiet declarations until he felt Rodney relax again. "That's it babe, s'okay."

He could barely hear the softly spoken "I don't understand..what do you want? I..I just don't know what you want." Rodneys voice was so sad, so confused.

John turned Rodney to face him. His heart broke all over again at the bewildered hurt on his face. "Rodney, let me tell you what I want, OK? Please listen and I mean really listen. I want to be in a real relationship with you. I want to touch you and pleasure you and have you do all the same things to me. I want to spend some nights kissing for hours then just fall asleep in each other's arms. I want to make love to you and have you return the favor. God, I want you to have everything you want. I want you to be happy. Can you understand that?"

But John was already pretty sure that Rodney did not understand and that he was just feeling more and more overwhelmed. No, words were not going to work..action was called for. Time for plan B.

JOHN

"Before I show you what I want, Rodney, I want to talk about the past. You've been with a man before, right?" John really hated to have Rodney relive bad memories, but his instincts told him that there were a few pieces to the McKay puzzle still missing. As much as he really wanted to just hold Rodney close and love him breathless, he knew he had to press a bit harder. At Rodney's downcast nod he continued. "Ok, can I assume that it wasn't a great experience for you? Did he hurt you Rodney?"

"No, of course not! I'd never stay with an abusive partner. He never hit me, never. He was just, well he was just very honest, very blunt. But that can be good in a relationship. It helped me know how I needed to improve; what I needed to do better."

John stopped Rodney's forceful defense of his past relationship. "What about what you needed? Did he ever ask you what he needed to do to improve?" He was pretty damn sure of the answer so he kept going. "Rodney, what would you say if Kavanaugh or Zalenka challenged your expertise in the lab?" He was both amused and relieved to see Rodney's eyes narrow in irritation.

"Well, that idea is so incredibly, outrageously ridiculous that there is really nothing to say about it. I won't even dignify it with a response. I mean really, why would they do that? It is very well established that I'm the primary expert in Ancient technology. Why? Who said something? Do you know how high my IQ is? Morons, do you know how many times.mmmm!"

Rodney's version of 'nothing to say about it' was stopped by a hard fast kiss from a laughing John. "OK,OK it was just an example; calm down!" He was relieved to see that Rodney's self doubts did not apply to other aspects of his life. He really loved his confidant, smug and downright pissy teammate when he was in full snark mode.

RODNEY

For a moment the real Rodney smiled at John in friendship and love. However the smile soon faded as the memories returned. "But, John there is a huge difference between being a good scientist and a.. and a g ..good lover. Ryan had a lot of experience and a lot of really good lovers in his past. Even he couldn't uh.. improve me very much. I never could satisfy him."

Rodney really hated to disillusion his friend but it was probably better that he know now so he wasn't too disappointed later. " I'd ah never you know been with a man before. So I guess it made sense that I was really bad at it. But the thing is I really tried, I studied and researched..I just.. I never got better. I was really lucky that Ryan stayed as long as he did." Rodney was completely ashamed to say all this out loud but he wanted to please John and apparently this was what was what John wanted.

"What did you get out of the relationship, Rodney?" asked John almost tonelessly. Rodney could feel him slipping away but forced himself to answer.

"I'm ah not sure what you mean exactly. I mean, I had someone who loved me, stayed with me. Didn't mind too much that my work was so important to me. I wasn't totally alone."

"Did you enjoy the love-making?" came the next painful question.

"Well, I wasn't good at it so it always hurt a bit. Ryan said if I loved him more it would feel great; that his other lovers were so responsive. He ah tried to have me practice with ah.. other things. He was always mad that I didn't ..you know..very often." Rodney was fairly sure that his face had never been redder. This was hell; he didn't know why John wouldn't at least let him try to please him. "I did eventually learn to pleasure him with my mouth. Maybe I could start with that?" he knew he was close to begging.

"Shh Rodney, it's going to be all right. Last question, ok? Have you been with any man other than this Ryan guy? Any other experience?" Johns question hit him with such force that Rodney actually felt the color drain from his face.

JOHN

"Oh, please no. Don't let there have been another bastard in his life," thought John as he saw Rodney blanche. As he listened to Rodney's halted version of Ryan's 'training method" John was ready to explode. He had never realized that the phrase 'seeing red' could quite literally happen. "God, who could treat a gift like this man like he was nothing more than a toy to be shared and discarded. Forget beating him up when I get back: the son of a bitch is dead."

John desperately tried to calm himself. He could see that Rodney was already bracing for rejection. A rejection that would never come but how to convince Rodney?

JOHN

How to get through to Rodney? John knew just the place to start. " Rodney, you enjoyed what I did for you in my room, right? It didn't hurt..it felt good, right?" He smiled at the sight of his friend ducking his blushing face and nodding shyly. "Well, let me tell you, it turned me on to pleasure you. Hell, I almost came in my pants and that hasn't happened since..well, never!"

Rodney looked singularly unimpressed by his declaration. "I ah you know .. after only like three minutes. How could you enjoy that?"

"Came Rodney, you came and it was the hottest thing I've ever seen. If it were up to me I'd like to see it again." John watched carefully. He didn't want to push too hard but he did want this block removed. "If you had your choice what would make you the most comfortable? What could we do that would relax you. It is all right for you to have an opinion, for you to desire something."

John kept his voice low and almost hypnotic and was rewarded by Rodney's faint shiver. "Tell me Rodney, anything.."

"I ah I want you to be in me. That way you know the worst right away and you can decide if you want to keep going." John knew it took all of Rodney's strength to whisper those words. While the words saddened him, he wasn't really surprised.

"All right, lover, then you'll let me lead and do anything that makes me happy, right?"

Rodney smiled slightly at the endearment and said, "Of course you can do anything you want..that's what I've been saying!"

"Then lie back and relax because what I want more than anything is to touch and kiss you everywhere. I don't want you to hold back; I want to hear you moan and cry out my name. I want you to come for me whenever you feel the need. It will all be for my pleasure," John loved the glazed look that was replacing the fear in Rodney's eyes. "Can I undress you, lover? Can I make love to you?" John considered it a great success that the normally vocal man merely nodded.

RODNEY

Rodney's breath came faster as John peeled the shirt from his body. He didn't want to look at John, didn't want to see the same disgust in John's eyes that he'd always seen in Ryan's. He allowed John to remove his pants and boxers. Naked, God he hated to be naked.

"I uh I know I'm not in great shape but I've been working out a bit. I'll ah try harder. Eat less." His embarrassed voice trailed off at the look on Johns face. Unless John was the best actor ever, he wasn't disgusted at all.

"Oh my God Rodney, you're beautiful and if anyone ever told you otherwise he was an absolute moron." Indeed Johns eyes were dark with lust. His appreciative gaze roved over Rodney's body hungrily. "Play time lover, just tell me if you don't like something."

Rodney tentatively returned Johns playful smile and tried to relax. First John leaned in and brought their lips together. One chaste kiss, then another. As Rodney leaned in for more, John grasped Rodney's face in both hands and deepened the kiss. When the need for air became pressing, Rodney felt John trail warm lips down his neck. Soft kissed were interlaced with gentle bites and licks. A sudden sharp nip at the juncture of neck and shoulder caused Rodney to utter an involuntary "AAH!" When he bit his lip to silence the cry, Johns tongue intervened, plunging wetly into his mouth.

"No, no babe, I want to hear what you feel, hear what you like. So hot ..so sexy!!"

Rodney wasn't sure what to believe but he didn't have much time to think. John's wicked mouth was peppering kisses down his throat, biting gently at the pulse point. Rodney felt himself grow hard. A warm wet sensation was at his nipples and he heard himself utter a long drawn out groan. Sucking, John was sucking at one of his nipples, while clever fingers massaged the other. Oh God, it was so intense..so rhythmic.. again and again. Rodney barely realized that he was matching the rhythm with his hips. He was undulating against John's body; pressing his hardness against John's firm stomach. A pressure was building and still the rhythm never faltered. He tried to stop it but Johns voice was there in this head. "Come for me!" And Rodney was there. The peak was so sharp and sweet, he couldn't help but cry, "John oh God"

The descent was dreamy and peaceful. No shame or fear because he had seen the look on Johns face, pleased, aroused. Rodney still wasn't sure how, but so far he hadn't screwed up. He tried to move..to finally reciprocate but John just grinned somewhat ferally. "Still my turn, lover!"

And it began all over again. This time John's lips and tongue made it to Rodney's cock, hard and leaking again. Rodney could hardly stand the pleasure. His worries about being silent totally forgotten, he moaned, groaned and cried out almost continuously. "Please oh please yes aaahh so good" If John hadn't been so busy sucking steadily; he would have been grinning smugly. He was rewarded as Rodney once again shuddered through a powerful orgasm. His mouth was open in a soundless scream as John swallowed every drop of his release.

As tiny aftershocks still rippled through his system, Rodney felt fingers between his buttocks, touching his entrance. Even in his sated state, Rodney couldn't stop his body from stiffening. He opened his mouth to apologize only to have it filled once again with Johns tongue. If John had allowed him to speak, Rodney would have told him he wouldn't mind the pain, he just didn't want to disappoint. But instead he found himself seduced all over again. When the fingers returned, he was so lost in sensation that he didn't even flinch at the gentle invasion. First one, than two slippery fingers slid into his body. They stretched him, made him so full. That incredible sensation from earlier was back..a white-hot spike of pleasure. The scientist part of Rodney knew it must be his prostate. The panting writhing man was more incredulous that his cock was semi hard.surely that was impossible.

Suddenly he found himself looking into John's passionate eyes. "Are you sure, Rodney?" asked John tenderly.

Rodney merely nodded and prepared to roll to his elbows and knees. He was stopped and John said softly, "I want to see you, make sure you're ok. I want to look into your eyes. I love you Rodney."

JOHN

John started a slow slide into Rodney's body. His lubed cock and the intense stretching made the entrance easier but John paused every minute or so, not wanting to rush this first time. "So tight, oh God am I hurting you Rodney? Please tell me how you feel." John was panting; eyes closed fighting the urge to thrust with all his might. Then he looked back into his lover's eyes and blinked rapidly to dispel the tears he felt forming.

Rodney's face was alight with joyful wonder. "It doesn't hurt..oh my God it feels so good. I never knew it could be this way!" Rodney unintentionally clenched his internal muscles. "Oh John move ah yes..good!!"

John felt his discipline falter and he began to thrust. Long slow glides, in and out. His eyes never left the trusting eyes of his lover. John angled for the prostate and was gratified when Rodney's gentle moaning escalated into sharp cries.

"Gonna come for me again, lover? Cause you feel so good..so tight ..so perfect. I can't last much longer. Ooohh I'm gonna come Rodney God yes." To John's amazement Rodney actually did come again, he could feel the tightening of his channel and it pushed him over the precipice. With a strangled cry of "Rodney" John came, filling Rodney, marking him. Taking away perhaps some of his pain, replacing it with this memory. This wonderful memory.

He would have asked Rodney how he felt..what he was thinking. Maybe he would have even been brave enough to ask if he loved John, too. But Rodney had once again passed out. The look on his face this time, however, was relaxed, happy, and full of pleasure.

"Damn," though John smugly. "Gotta love that plan B! God I can't wait for plan C!"

JOHN

Major John Sheppard, the soldier, sometimes felt that his whole life revolved around some kind of search. Searching for allies, searching for food, searching for a way to defeat the wraith. Right now though, John Sheppard, the man, was on the search most important to him. Searching for Rodney McKay.

John and Rodney had been lovers for a little over a month and John could honestly say that even through the added stress it was the happiest he'd ever been. John enjoyed Rodney's rapier wit and off beat sense of humor. They were often in such perfect synch that they drove others to distraction. On the last mission, Teyla had actually growled at them for finishing each others sentences one time too many.

John felt himself flush as he thought of their physical relationship. "My God, it's like Rodney is making up for lost time," John grinned to himself. "He is the most responsive lover I've ever been with." John was constantly amazed at Rodney's responses. Although Rodney remained physically passive during their lovemaking, he had become quite vocal. The volume of his cries and entreaties during sex made John quite grateful for the sound proof rooms.

"He's come so far and I'm so damn proud of him!" Rodney had in fact started directing John. Just last week Rodney had finally stopped biting his lip; stopped trying to keep in what he was feeling. The resulting flood of words had pushed John into an immediate climax. Just remembering the event made him hard.

"Oh God John right there, don't you dare stop..s..suck me oh please oh please oh please. AAAH make me come John, suck me hard want to come in your mouth NOW NOW OHNOW YES." Rodney had panted through the aftershocks and looked abashedly at John. John had seen the apology forming and had merely taken Rodneys hand and placed it on Johns spent cock. Rodneys embarrassment had changed to surprise then smugness.

Rodney was becoming less hesitant about the relationship but he still never initiated sex. He was perfectly content to let John play with his body; he never stated a preference. He appeared equally thrilled to have John inside of him, to have oral sex or just cuddle and kiss. He eagerly did whatever John suggested. John sometimes felt he was taking advantage of Rodney but he didn't know how else to handle the situation. Yesterday he had suggested that Rodney choose and if he couldn't, maybe they should just take a night off.

"Felt like I'd kicked a damn puppy," thought John, remembering the look of stunned disbelief on Rodneys face. John had to hold him for almost 30 minutes while Rodney trembled and tried to hold back tears. They hadn't discussed it further because John had loved Rodney into oblivion, murmuring apologies and words of love.

As he approached the balcony where he somehow knew Rodney was sitting, John was reminded of the promise he'd made to himself. "I promised myself that I'd love Rodney the way he needs to be loved, the way he deserves to be loved. I've screwed up too many times in the past, been a selfish son of a bitch. This time needs to be about Rodney not me." So John resolved that he'd continue to love and care for Rodney and he'd continue to pleasure him and comfort him. He'd even continue to listen to his stories about that bastard Ryan. About how he wasn't abusive just honest..the prick.

Most importantly, he would manage to hide the hurt he felt every time his 'I love you, Rodney' went unanswered.

RODNEY

Rodney was finding that for the first time in a long time he was lonely. In the past being alone had been a welcome relief. No one else to please, no one to disappoint. Just Rodney and his thoughts. Thoughts about work, his dreams and hopes for the future. But now, alone for almost the first time since he and John and become lovers he realized that he was actually..lonely.

"How terribly interesting," thought Rodney. He was realizing that he wanted..no.. needed to see John, to talk to him. To confess. "Ah yes, John Sheppard..soldier, savior..confessor. Won't he be pleased." But the thing was, Rodney was pretty sure John would be pleased. John apparently had decided to be in charge of giving Rodney everything he'd ever wanted.

In fact, Rodney knew that even though he'd told no one where he was going, John would be here soon. He often wondered how deeply John was connected to the city and why he tried to ignore that connection. "Ah well, denial is not exclusively for the weak. I guess it applies equally to Majors and geniuses."

Just then the balcony door opened and John hesitantly looked out at him. "Can I come out?" he asked quietly.

Rodney knew his observant lover was taking in his disheveled appearance and red-rimmed eyes. Rodney also knew John was blaming himself for what he probably assumed was a set back in Rodneys emotional recovery. But there hadn't been a set back. There had been a break through, one it was time to share.

He took a deep breath and blurted out the truth he had finally admitted to himself. "John, I was in an abusive relationship."

Silence reigned for a moment, then, "Yeah, yeah you were Rodney and I'm so damn sorry," came Johns whispered reply.

"Yeah, I guess you do know. Can I tell you why, after all this time, I finally know that it is true?" John merely nodded and sat next to Rodney, close but not touching. Rodney summoned his courage and continued. "Ryan always said that he loved me enough to tell me the truth. Of course, the truth was that I was a total fuck-up; terrible in bed and not too great out of bed. You say you love me- but you tell me I'm wonderful and passionate and beautiful. All the things I've always known I'd never be." Rodney saw his protective lover start to protest and put his hand gently over his lips. "Shhh, let me finish."

"My first time, I mean the first time Ryan and I ..ah all the way?" Rodney peeked at John to make sure he understood and saw his friend trying to hide a small smile. It was an unending source of amusement to John that Rodney could not speak plainly about sex unless they were in the throes of it. "Anyway," he continued elbowing John, "he told me I should've known enough to ah pre..pre-pare myself and I'd have to suffer the consequences if I was too stupid to figure it out. The thing was, I tried to stay ah ready for him, but it seemed like the only time he wanted to ..you know..penetrate me was on those times he knew I'd been busy and forgotten. You on the other hand won't even put a finger there unless you use lotion or whatever it is you use. You can't even imagine how different it is with you, I don't think I ever really believed anyone could enjoy that kind of sex."

"So I thought, hmmm.. someone must have lied to me. On the one hand there is Ryan who always had me convinced I was worthless. On the other hand a man I have trusted with my life .A man who has entrusted his life to me. You'd think that was a no-brainer." Rodney paused for a few moments, enjoying the fact that John would give him time to say what he needed to say. "I was labeled a 'genius' by the age of 10. My whole world has always revolved around how smart I am. I'm having a hard time realizing that I wasn't smart enough to see, I mean really see what was happening. My God, how could I have let that happen? How could I not have known?"

Despite the painful realization, Rodney felt as though a weight had been lifted. After all this time he could acknowledge what had happened. Ryan had lied. Rodney wasn't a worthless lover. He was able to feel pleasure and give pleasure. He was able to feel love and maybe even worthy to be loved. Maybe he could even become worthy of John's love. He finally gathered his nerve and looked at John.

"John, oh my God! What's the matter?" Rodney was shocked at the still, pale figure sitting next to him.

JOHN

John could feel himself shaking. He was close to losing it and he knew it. His body was in full fight or flight mode and he needed to get away from this balcony NOW!

"Rodney, I love you but I need to get out of here." He barely had the presence of mind to reassure his insecure lover. The blood was pounding in his brain, he could see flashes of light and though to himself, "Shit, Beckett is going to kill me!" The doctor had been complaining that Johns blood pressure was up and that he had lost weight that he could ill afford to lose.

Grateful that Rodney looked merely concerned, not guilty, John bolted. He ran as if he could outrun the horrible image burned into his brain. The image of Rodney, trying to please, allowing that bastard to shove into his unprepared body. The image of Rodney, in pain and yet still feeling that he had failed his lover. His smart, sarcastic, brilliant friend had believed for so long that he was a failure in bed and worthless as a lover, that the mere application of lube had finally made him realize that he'd been abused.

John barely realized that his desperate run had taken him to the training area. In fact he only stopped running when he slammed directly into Eugene Bates.

"Jesus, Shep you look like shit!" Bates exclaimed.

An idea grew in Johns foggy brain and he growled, "I need to fight, Gene..pair me up with someone I can't hurt."

"Ah, I've seen your records Shep..take your pick!" Behind the teasing, Bates was concerned. If anyone needed to release tension it was Major Sheppard. While it was true he'd had reservations about serving under Sheppard, he found that he could both like and respect the man. He also knew that while as a pilot John had only the basic defense skills, he had proven to be an effective street fighter.

"I'll do it, John..give me your best. It'll be ok, I can take it." There was a wealth of understanding in Bates voice and expression. He didn't have to know what demons were chasing John, just that they were there. If he had to take a beating to help release them well, what the hell. The man would do the same for him.

John was so absurdly grateful for the immediate and unquestioned support that he felt a brief sting behind his eyes. Then he pictured Rodney trying to hide his tears while his lover offered him up to some stranger. Pictured him waking up alone and sore with no one to hold him through his panic attack. With no other thought in his mind John swung hard.

The next half hour was a blur of fists and fury and sweat and if there were tears, well no one would ever say. When John had exhausted himself and sunk to the floor his vision cleared and he started laughing almost hysterically. Eugene Bates was bruised and bloody and swaying, barely still on his feet. He was watching John warily, waiting to see if more was needed. A protective circle of soldiers stood silently, blocking outsiders; watching with understanding eyes. Just like Bates, they didn't need details; one of their own was in need.

Just as suddenly as it started Johns laughter stopped and the tears began. Weeks of trying to be strong for Rodney, weeks of holding in his absolute fury at Ryan, weeks of hiding the pain over his unrequited love, mixed with all his fears and frustrations for Atlantis. He was so grateful for the camaraderie in the room, for these good men who would stand strong for him when he was weak. He only vaguely realized that Carson was there murmuring to him until he felt the prick of a needle and strong hands moving him.

He floated pleasantly for awhile, caught in the twilight between sleep and consciousness. Suddenly he became aware of another voice talking to Carson. He heard words like stress, blood pressure, weight loss and finally the dreaded 'grounded'.

"I'm fine!" he started, and then saw to whom Carson was talking. Not Weir as he had feared. Even worse: it was one pissed off looking Rodney McKay.

JOHN

John would never have believed that he would be sorry to see Dr. Beckett leave him alone, yet he found himself on the verge of calling Carson back. Instead he watched the closed door for several minutes before slowly turning his eyes back to the rooms other occupant.

"Ah, hi Rodney," he started with a disarming smile. "What are you doing here?" He had never been above using looks and charm to escape confrontation. Sadly, Rodney seemed singularly unimpressed. John closed his eyes and waited for the lecture to break the silence.

For once the Major had no plan to call upon and God was he tired. He started at the feel of hands combing through his hair. It felt so good he curled up on his side to make room for Rodney to sit. He smiled as he felt the bed dip and Rodney move in close to him. "Stay with me?" he asked.

"Always you idiot," came the reply. John could hear such a wealth of affection in that reply that he had no problem drifting off to the feel of Rodney's gentle touch.

RODNEY

"What do you know..it lives!" Rodney waited until John wiped the sleep from his eyes and sat up before placing a tray of food on his lap. "Eat up, Major. AH AH, coffee is for me.. none for you. Have some juice. Oh, please, do you really think that look will work on me? Well, one sip but that's all. Now drink and eat up!" Rodney had actually written down every word Carson had said and planned to follow the instructions to the letter. Of course he had his own agenda as well!

"Why didn't you tell me? Elevated blood pressure, weight loss? Fighting? Talk to me John." When John remained stubbornly silent Rodney sighed in frustration. " You have gone out of your way to show me that I have value other than being the resident genius. Why won't you talk to me? Am I really too weak to be a partner you can come to for help? NO! I may have issues John but I want to help..I'm strong enough to help. I'm working really hard to make sure Ryan doesn't win; don't you let him win, John."

Rodney waited as the information processed through Johns mind. Part of him was terrified that he had spoken so forcefully to his lover but he pushed it underneath the part that wanted to take care of John. The same part that was only now realizing that John might need taking care of, too. It was a thought that truly had not occurred to Rodney because John was always so patient, so in control. Rodney was just now seeing how hard won that control was.

For all his brave talk though the thought of exposing his true self was hard. He wanted to be strong but the voice of his past was not so easily silenced. However, John needed him, and Rodney wasn't sure that anyone had ever needed him before. So he took a deep breath, gathered his courage and focused on the trust that had been built between them.

"I know you want to be strong for me. God, John no one has ever taken care of me, tried to heal me before. Hell, I'm just now realizing that I need to heal. You've given me everything I ever wanted. You've shown me that I'm not a worthless person, that I can enjoy making love to someone. For the first time, I feel that I am really loved..maybe even worthy of love. That's just huge. But I'm finding that I need more than just accepting all this from you, John." Rodney paused and took Johns face in his hands.

"I need to be your partner John and a good partner gives, not just takes. Will you let me give to you, John?"

"I'll take whatever you're willing to give me, Rodney." John's reply was instant and sincere but Rodney was so focused on his lover that he noticed the faint quiver in his voice. "I trust you and I ..I love you Rodney"

Rodney was aware that there was an undercurrent that he was missing but decided to move ahead with the plan he had created. Slowly and not without some residual fear of rejection and derision, Rodney peeled the black t-shirt off of John's body. Removal of John's pants and boxers came next and soon John was naked. "John Sheppard, naked and on my bed. Maybe there is a God after all."

Rodney just stared for a moment at the vision before him. As John started to fidget, Rodney remembered his own insecurities and wondered if John was unsure of himself, too. He knew that one of the most special parts of their love making was that John talked to Rodney, never letting him doubt that he was special, loved. SO different from the critical and hurtful comments he had been used to. Suddenly, Rodney's nerved quieted. This was no act that he needed to perfect. No show to put on for an uncaring audience. He couldn't fail this time because all he had to do was tell the truth. Maybe his truths would be important to John. So Rodney took and released a deep breath and for the first time in his life let his lips speak the words his heart felt.

"John," a mere whisper. "You are so beautiful. You have the kind of beauty that grows the more I get to know you because you are even more beautiful inside than out." Rodney paused then added honestly, "And that is saying a lot because you are hotter than hell! Your eyes say so much, more than your mouth does, actually." Rodney kissed the eyes in question, then the lips. They were soft kisses meant more to comfort than arouse. But as he continued down to kiss John's neck and felt as well as heard the soft moan, a flash of arousal shot through him. He looked down at his lover. "Mine" he thought realizing he said it aloud only when John's eyes darkened and he moaned again.

More aggressively, Rodney began adding bites and licks to his kisses. Broad strokes of his tongue across sensitive nipples drew forth a gasp. Rodney ran calloused fingertips all over the lean chest laid out before him. Smiling as goose bumps were raised. Gaining confidence as he went, he used his lips, tongue and fingers to touch every part of John's body. He was so in awe of the wonderful sensation of touching John that he only belatedly realized that John was speaking.

JOHN

"Touch me, oh God Rodney touch me. Please, please." Rodney's gentle exploration was driving John mad. It was the look on his face that had John once again fighting tears. The joy and wonder of being able to please his lover transformed Rodney's face. Gone was the passive, tentative man, afraid of disappointing. Rodney was almost glowing with confidence. John faced the very real possibility of coming before Rodney even touched his oh so hard cock.

Then those curious, exploring hands were right there. Grasping his erection, smoothing the pre-come over the head and down the shaft. Back up then slowly down. Over and over, keeping John on the edge of completion. He closed his eyes and allowed a groan to escape his lips as one clever hand pumped his cock so rhythmically. The other hand rolled his testicles gently. John forced his eyes back open and started in surprise. He had expected Rodney to be concentrating, with his usual intensity, on what he was doing to John. Instead Rodney was looking at John's face with an expression that had John's heart skipping a beat. He could almost feel Rodney gathering his courage as his mouth opened.

"I love you, John..more than anything, ever, anywhere!"

The shy words so sincerely spoken overwhelmed John totally. His hips thrust helplessly once more into Rodney's firm grasp and he felt his body explode. He had to close his eyes against the incredible pleasure as Rodney continued a gentle pumping motion, prolonging the orgasm. He swallowed, only then realizing that he must have cried out for his throat to be this tight.

He felt hands brushing his cheeks dry and took a deep breath. It wasn't enough and he took another before he was able to face Rodney. He had his mouth open before he realized he didn't know what to say. Rodney was looking at him in concern and he tried again to speak, to reassure. What came out of his mouth was, "Tell me again?"

RODNEY

"Tell me again?" spoken with such desperate hope.

Rodney once again realized that he had been missing something. His first reaction was to feel guilty for not understanding, for screwing up again. Through sheer force of will, he shoved those feelings back. They were of no use now. John needed him and he was going to damn well be man enough to help. A combination of terror and lust and love rolled through him as he realized that for now, the roles had been reversed. For the first time he, Rodney McKay was in charge. "Stick to the plan, I can do it" Rodney firmly told himself.

"I love you John. You are the most important person in my life. Can I ..can I show you?" It came out a bit more tentative than he'd intended but John didn't seem to mind. He just nodded his assent. So Rodney began.

He made love to John with a sweet innocence that was both passionate and loving. He used his knowledge of what John did for him and the memory of what Ryan had not. After John's second orgasm, Rodney was poised to enter his lover for the first time. At his hesitation, John smiled at him.

"It's all right, Rodney. I'm ready, you've prepared me well, it won't hurt. Love you!" John sounded sleepy and sated and happy.

I've done that for him, thought Rodney. Gathering his courage he began a slow steady glide, pausing at John's groan. Realizing it was pleasure and not pain, he continued. "Dear God, I never even imagined this could feel so good!" The words were ground out between clenched teeth as, despite his planning, Rodney fought with all that he had not to come.

JOHN

"Knock yourself out, lover. I'm pretty sure the general is down for the count!" John was quite content to simply enjoy the sensation of finally being filled by his lover. He was incredibly touched at the sight of awed pleasure on Rodney's face as he experienced the first time of being inside another man. He knew from experience that it probably wouldn't last long. He wasn't expecting the smug grin that appeared on Rodney's face.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing that I jerked off twice while you were sleeping. I plan to make this first time last a long, long time. Wake the general up, I'm just getting started!"

Rodney made love to John the same way he researched in the lab. With utmost intensity and dedication to detail. He focused on every minute reaction. God, John felt as if he were an experiment and damned if he knew why that was such a turn on. Rodney finally found both the angle and pace that hit John's prostate on every rhythmic thrust. John was amazed to find himself close to orgasm yet again. Then he heard Rodney' voice, desperate and hungry and commanding.

RODNEY

"Come for me John, I want you to come now. Let me feel you. Let me feel what I'm doing to you. Let it go John, This time, I've got you. Love you so much." Rodney knew he was babbling but John was tight and hot and he could feel the internal muscles start to contract. The added bonus of seeing what small amount of semen was left in John's body erupt without even a touch from Rodney was all he needed.

Crying out in pleasure, Rodney let himself fill John with his release. The sensations were almost more than he could bear as pulse after pulse went from his body to John's.

Embarrassed by what his face and wet eyes must show, Rodney shyly met Johns gaze and felt his heart clench at the raw emotion in John's own tear-filled eyes. And just like that, Rodney 'got it'. This was love. This utter contentment. This secure feeling that he wasn't alone and didn't have to be, ever again. No sick feeling, no pain or grief. He loved this man and knew finally that he was loved in return.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked quietly and was gratified when John didn't pretend to be confused by the question.

JOHN

"Rodney, I hate to disillusion you but I am not the perfect person you'd like me to be. I've screwed up so many relationships. Let me remember..ah yes "too possessive" "over-protective" "pushy, demanding". I have never felt about anyone, the way I feel about you and I didn't want to push you, force you into saying you felt something that you didn't. God, I was so scared that I'd remind you of..of ..him!"

John said the words that had been in his head and felt a sense of relief. At least Rodney would know the truth, he just hoped it wouldn't disappoint him. He never imagined that Rodney would laugh. Loudly! Vacillating between hurt and surprise, John looked in to blue eyes filled with amusement and love.

"John, I love you but I have never even remotely thought of you as perfect!" Rodney took any possible sting from the words by peppering Johns face with soft kisses. " Never in a million years could you ever remind me of him, I swear."

John buried his face in Rodney's neck and clung to him. Here, finally, was someone who saw past the façade and into the real John Sheppard..and still loved him.

"I ah..guess you aren't the only one with issues, huh?" he asked from his haven in Rodney's arms.

RODNEY

"Guess not although why that should make me this happy is beyond me! I guess we are just screwed up enough to be a perfect match. I love you John and while I know nothing is perfect, I want this to work. By that I mean I promise to share any fears or memories that come up and you stop beating the marines into submission. Partners John. We're in this together..right?" Rodney felt the last bit of worry fade as John returned his steady gaze.

"Together..forever. Love you Rodney"

Neither man was naïve enough to believe that all their ghosts were forever banished but they finally were able to believe that they could face whatever was ahead in the best possible way. Together.

Epilogue

Rodney awoke, shaking and sick to his stomach. For a moment he could feel the cruel grip on his hips, pulling him wide open. Open to the painful violation he knew was coming. The sense of failure and humiliation was intense as he remembered. Then strong arms pulled him close and warm lips kissed his neck and a soothing peace washed over him, banishing the pain of the dream. He fell back asleep to the gentle rocking motion and loving kisses of his lover. The painful memories of his past banished once again by John's love. When he awoke again, he didn't even remember the dream: only a vague unease remained.

JOHN

"Well of course Carson knows, Rodney. He is our doctor. What's the big deal?" It took John a moment to realize that his lover of the last several months had stopped dead in his tracks and was staring at him in almost horrified disbelief.

"Rodney?" John stepped toward Rodney with a hand outstretched. He stopped in shock as Rodney flinched back. John cursed to himself. "Shit, I haven't seen this reaction in weeks. What the hell is the matter?"

"Rodney," he repeated aloud. "What is it, lover? Tell me." John had gentled his voice to the semi-hypnotic timbre he had used when he was first teaching Rodney how to accept that love didn't have to hurt.

"I didn't tell, I swear. John you have to believe me." Rodney was pale and his fear was almost palpable.

John raised his hands to frame Rodney's face. He moved slowly, recognizing the signs of a flashback. "Rodney, think about who I am and how much I love you. I'm not mad and you have no reason to be afraid. Take a breath and tell me what you're remembering."

He could see the color return to Rodney's face and sighed in relief. Grasping his lover's arm he backtracked their steps and returned to his quarters. He had a feeling that they would need privacy for this memory.

"Sorry, sorry..I'm okay now; just a rather ugly memory. I know you'd never hurt me no matter what the reason." Rodney appeared much calmer but John wasn't fooled. Rodney wouldn't meet his eyes and that was a bad sign.

"No, I wouldn't but what was it that I said that made you worry about it in the first place? I mean really, Rodney we've been together for months. We spend all of our free time together. Ford has seen us coming out of your room together at 0'dark thirty for a mission. We've been through how many physicals during that time? Did you think Carson wouldn't have noticed?"

"I ah I guess I was just deluding myself. I know what you have to lose, John I'll understand if we have to stay apart, you know for a while." Rodney seemed resigned. Worse he was blinking back tears, something else John hadn't seen for weeks. Did he really think..? and suddenly the pieces fell into place.

"That son of a bitch was military wasn't he?" John was almost literally seeing red. His anger only increased when Rodney almost whispered his answer.

"I..I can't say. Not allowed to."

John tried to fight down his anger then remembered the lessons he and Rodney had worked so hard on. They were partners; equals. They could share their burdens with each other. "Rodney I swear to God when I get back he is dead and I mean really dead. Why did you flinch? You said he never hit you..did he? Please, lover, I need to know."

"No, not really hit but he was quite explicit in telling me what would happen to me if anyone found out that I was ..you know uh gay."

"What, Rodney? What did he say would happen to you?" John's anger was simmering but he sensed that this was the cause behind the last of Rodney's hesitation about their relationship.

RODNEY

"Well, you know! I mean 'don't ask don't tell' is still in effect. You could lose everything if we're discovered. I'm not..I don't expect.. I'd never ask for more than we already have. You believe me don't you?" Rodney was trying to keep calm but the memories that he had thought banished were suddenly so vivid in his mind.

"If you ever even hint that we're more than simple roommates..I swear you'll be open season to every soldier under my command. I'll put you in a room with them and let them take turns. They'll have you screaming and I'll do nothing but watch..do you understand me? If you love me you'll keep this secret..very secret. You do love me don't you? Yeah? then prove it. I wanna fuck you..try for once not to screw it up." Just one more thing that Ryan had been very clear about. Rodney was a dirty little secret and that was how it had to be. And Rodney understood, of course he did. He was not worth giving up a career over. He was very lucky that Ryan stayed with him. And really, what did he care if no one else knew? He didn't, not at all.

With John he had so much more than he had ever dreamed. He could live with the secrecy. He just hoped that John knew he would never tell. He would never expect John to lose everything just for him.

JOHN

John's imagination was kind enough to fill in the blanks. 'I'm not worth it'. That was what Rodney was saying. Even after all the progress they had made, this beautiful, kind hearted, loving man still thought he was worth less than John's career. He wasn't angry or bitter or fishing for compliments. He truly put his own value below John's job.

"You're right Rodney. I have a lot to lose. I lose all the lonely nights; I lose the fear that I will always be alone. I lose the need to always be in control. Ah but Rodney guess what I gain? I gain a best friend who is also the best lover I have ever had. I gain someone who knows my best and my worst and still loves me. I gain..well I gain you Rodney. To me that is worth any risk. Now it's my turn to ask you to believe me. Please Rodney, believe!"

Whatever John was going to say next turned into an 'oomph' as he was pushed against the wall. Any further talking was made impossible because Rodney's tongue was trying to become best friends with Johns tonsils. "Point made!" was John's last coherent thought before his previously shy and inhibited lover ravished him. Thoroughly. Twice!

RODNEY

Rodney returned to consciousness with a sense of peacefulness that had eluded him for most of his life. He knew that only time would banish all of his demons but he knew he was on the right road with the right person. He felt as if he had finally found the person he has always wanted to be, the one he deserved to be. And God did he feel good..and maybe a bit smug. After all how many science geeks could make an Air Force major scream like a banshee and then pass out!

He felt John start to stir and only his growling stomach stopped him from beginning the ravishment all over again. God, he was really getting good at this topping thing! He felt John start to press against him making sleepy, contented sounds.

"Major, I do believe you are purring" said Rodney, grinning madly. He ran his hands possessively over his lover's naked body. Tweaking nipples and scraping his nails over John's sensitive sides, he soon he had a lapful of quivering, moaning Major! "HMMM, growling stomach or hardening cock? Such a dilemma! Well, let's make this quick, shall we?"

JOHN

Before John was even awake enough to become indignant, Rodney had taken his erection and was sucking it hard and fast. John came quickly and loudly. Even once he'd regained his breath he could only stare at Rodney with wide, wild eyes. The predatory gleam in Rodney's eyes was almost awe- inspiring. All John could do was go along for the ride. And God what a ride! Fast and hard and so full of love that John scarcely even needed to hear the "I love you's that Rodney breathed into his ear. He knew that Rodney could see the love in his eyes but didn't stop chanting the words as Rodney thrust into his body again and again. "Love you Rodney, love you!" John held Rodney as he shuddered through his orgasm; their eyes never separating.

After a repeat of showering and dressing, John stepped out of his room and fixed his lover with a steady gaze. Without a word, he held out his hand. He could see the moment of hesitation followed by a look of determination. Rodney reached out and clasped their hands together.

Hand in hand they walked to the break room. And if Rodney trembled a bit as they were noticed and John hovered a bit protectively, well nobody's life was ever perfect. John could live with these imperfections. After all, although it had taken him over thirty years and two galaxies he had finally found true love..he had found Rodney.