Jealousy

by boilerbmw

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asb/boilerbmw/jealousy.php
Summary: Jealousy and amnesia

PRESENT

Rodney awoke feeling sated and sore and sticky and happy. That changed as he jumped out of bed and stared at his bed partner. John Sheppard looked beautiful. Innocent and carefree and just beautiful. He looked like Rodney had always dreamed he would look after a night of intense lovemaking. Instead of the joy and peace Rodney had imagined he'd feel (in the unlikely event of this very occurrence) he felt a sharp pang of misery. "Oh, dear God, what have I done?" The guilt and pain nearly brought him to his knees.

2 WEEKS AGO

Rodney McKay should have been happy. He should have been ecstatic, even. After all, sitting on the table in his quarters were three chocolate bars, six power bars and no less than 10 types of MRE's. All things that Rodney liked, hell, things that he loved.

Yet he wasn't happy and it was due to the reason he was in possession of the treats. He hadn't won them in the weekly poker game. Nor had he received them in gratitude for a job well done. "Although, one would think that saving the city on multiple occasions would warrant at least a chocolate bar or two," he thought irritably.

He had received them from admirers. Or as Rodney liked to call them suck-ups, vultures and ..well, the words went downhill from there. For the people giving him these delicious treats all wanted the same thing. They all wanted John Sheppard. Not that Rodney blamed them. In fact if he was honest with himself he shared their desire. But it set his teeth on edge each time someone dropped off a little goody bag at his room and casually asked if the Major was there. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that Rodney now had a truly awesome stash of rations he would never open his door.

Currently, Rodney sat in his room and contemplated how he'd gotten in the middle of all this. The go-between of John and the sex starved masses. It had all started a month or so ago. John had come to visit Rodney, looking vaguely annoyed.

"I can't get any reading done..people are always stopping by my room wanting to chat or something. Driving me crazy. Do you mind if I hang here for a while? I just want to listen to Pooky and read my book." John being John had already arranged himself on Rodney's bed and was opening his book. He also threw a power bar to Rodney to forestall any protest.

Of course Rodney hadn't wanted to protest at all. Instead he opened his treat and asked the logical question. "Pooky..what the hell is that?"

John looked a bit sheepish. "Ah, it's the name my last lover gave to my iPod. Put it right in the memory drive! I never had the heart to change it. You're ah..not going to want to talk are you?"

Rodney had just rolled his eyes and gone back to studying some Ancient text he'd been trying to figure out.

And so it began. John was basically using Rodney's room as a hideout. The first week they had simply sat in companionable silence: each man enjoying the silent companionship. By week two Rodney was teaching John Ancient and they had some wonderful debates about books they had read.

It was going along well when a simple case of eavesdropping ruined everything. Rodney had been in the mess eating when he happened to over hear a disturbing conversation. One of the nurses was sitting at the table next to him talking to an Army Captain and one of the science techs.. Rodney tuned in almost automatically when he heard John's name. Turned out that the conversation revolved around the merits of Major Sheppard's ass. Oh and his eyes..and his hair ..and so on and so forth. That was followed by the question of who was going to be the first to sleep with the Major. Apparently there was an ongoing betting pool.

Rodney wasn't surprised to realize why John was hiding out in his room. Apparently it was open season on gorgeous Air Force officers. He was surprised to realize that rather than amusement he felt jealousy. In fact he realized that he was shaking in anger and knew that if eyes could change color his would be green. Before he could analyze this feeling John had walked into the room and all but ran to Rodney.

"Hey, Rodney. I think I figured out that doohickey we've been working on. Look at this!" They had quickly gone to the lab to investigate and Rodney had put the conversation out of his mind: along with his reaction to it. Until the next day. That was when the looks started. The looks and the gifts. Rodney remembered that one of the oldest tricks in the dating book was to get to the girl/guy through their best friend. He should have been insulted but he was actually pretty proud that everyone thought of him as John's best friend. Rodney had always had a fair number of friends but never in the popular crowd. Now for the first time he was the cool kids best friend. It would have made him happy if it weren't for the fact that he was insanely jealous.

He found himself wondering who it was going to be. The beautiful blonde nurse? Maybe the muscular Army man? Who, damn it? Who? Rodney was pretty sure that John was bisexual, the 'my lover' comment had pinged his radar. But in reality that was one question he really didn't want to ask. Because he knew..he just knew dammit that he and John would be good together. Hell, they would be great together. If only he could show him..prove himself. But Rodney knew that sooner rather than later, John would snap out of his monk like existence and choose one of his suitors. And Rodney hated each and every one of them. Hated them because they were pretty and socially adept and actually brave enough to at least make a play for what they wanted. Hated them because after a week of his chime going off at all hours, John had regretfully stopped coming to Rodney's room.

That was another reason Rodney knew he'd be good for John. The Major seemed so outgoing but in reality he liked to be left the hell alone most of the time. Rodney could appreciate that. Really, it was for that reason that he refused to forward the plethora of messages from the admirers to John. Really..no other reason at all.

Rodney stopped the useless thoughts abruptly. He wasn't willing to risk the best friendship he'd ever had in a useless attempt to declare his love. No way..he'd learned his lessons in the usual painful way and didn't care to repeat it. A bit saddened, he decided to go for an early breakfast and head to the lab. Once he arrived he stopped dead in his tracks. There sat his John leaning in closely to the damn blonde nurse. They were smiling and the tart had her hand on John's knee. Rodney had the urge to dump the tray of food right on her bleached blonde head. Even worse, the army man and the science tech were seated nearby, looking on. It looked like a damn line was forming to get to John.

And suddenly, it was too much. The lust, the love, the jealousy. Even with John watching him with concerned eyes, Rodney couldn't stay. He turned and ran to his lab. After all it was really the only place where he felt at home, where he belonged. That was another lesson that he really, really should have learned by now. In a fit of temper he pushed yesterdays dinner tray to the floor, not caring about the soggy mess covering his precious lab. He was dismayed but not surprised when John showed up not long after. Damn the man for being beautiful and caring. He really should be outlawed.

"Hey, Rodney. What's the matter? You looked sick in there. Are you okay?" John had the slightly puzzled look on his face that meant he was thinking through a problem and wouldn't stop until he had an answer. "I mean you've been kinda snippy to everyone lately. Are you upset about something? Jeana said she'd left messages with you for me that I never got. Actually several people said they'd left messages. What's up, Rodney?"

"Damn, I couldn't stick with the dumb blondes, could I?" thought Rodney peevishly. At John's look of disbelief he realized he'd actually said it out loud. Before his lightning fast thoughts could come up with a more reasonable response than, 'I want you naked and sweaty and panting.' John was walking towards him purposefully. Rodney's heart almost broke as he realized that as always John was able to read him better than anyone ever had.

Preparing for a confession and most likely heartbreak, Rodney braced himself. And then it happened. John tripped. Just a simple fall that somehow ended with Rodney screaming into his comlink for Carson and a medical team and for Gods sake doesn't anyone work around here? A simple fall shouldn't cause so much blood, certainly not the still, washed out paleness that made John look so defenseless.

Hours later a semblance of calm had been restored. John was still unconscious but Carson assured Rodney that he'd be fine. He'd slipped on the mushy leftovers and managed in true Sheppard fashion, to hit his head on the corner of a lab table. Rodney, overcome with guilt sat next to him in true confession mode.

"..and selfish. Yes, yes I am. Don't bother to deny it. I mean I should be happy that you've got admirers to choose from. You deserve to be happy. I know you feel so alone sometimes and scared even if you never admit it. I should want the best for you. Instead I throw a temper tantrum and act like a jealous lover.. Well, I am! Not ..ah..you know..your lover. I think I'd remember that. I mean the jealous part. I never meant to fall in love. It really isn't the type of thing I do well. And really it's your fault. Beautiful and smart and good. Screw you John..of course I fell in love with you. And those damn vultures. They act like you're a prize to be won. Just a trophy. God I wish..well I wish I could tell you how special I think you are. I wish it would matter to you."

Just then John stirred and groaned in pain. Rodney was so pleased to see the beautiful hazel eyes open he continued to hold John's hand. He was thrilled when John squeezed his hand then terrified when confusion washed over John's face.

"Wh..where am I? What's going on? Who are you?" John's voice was starting to rise and confusion was turning to panic. Rodney thought for a moment that he was going to fai..ah pass out. John didn't know him. AND Rodney absolutely hate the fact that his first thought was how this could be a good thing.

"I am such a complete and total prick." The thought came and went quickly and then Rodney found himself with an armful of teary Sheppard. Teary Sheppard apparently thought that in Rodney's arms was a great place to be. Rodney found himself in the completely unfamiliar role of comforter. After calming the man down a bit, Rodney discovered that John did know who he was but the memories of Atlantis were foggy at best.

"I remember the SGC gate room and looking at you. You looked so nervous but so determined. Made me really glad that the coin toss said heads. Guess it worked out like I'd hoped!" John smiled a bit shyly at Rodney and squeezed his hand.

Rodney was so dazed by this turn of events he was actually speechless. He barely heard Carson enter the room or the questions he asked John. Barely heard the vague answers to them. It wasn't until John started to get up that Rodney started back to awareness.

"Where the hell are you going? Carson have you finally lost it? He was bleeding and the fall and the damn bump oh and lets not forget the fact that.."

Rodney's rant was stopped by John's warning glare. "HE is feeling much better and can rest more comfortably in HIS own room. Dr.ah the doctor know this, right, Doc?" And Rodney knew what was coming a split second before it happened. Combination Number three! Ah yes there it was. The patented John Sheppard 'Puppy dog eyes and trust me' grin. Sure to bend Doctors of all types to his will. So it was that Rodney found himself helping John to his quarters. He thought about letting him do it on his own..just to prove to John that he should tell Carson everything. Sadly Combination Four was used and Rodney immediately fell for the 'pleading, help me eyes and slightly pouting lips' look. He was so toast.

So Rodney helped John locate his room and get undressed and settled into bed. He opened his mouth to explain their real relationship..he did. And he would have told John everything..anything. Because he was a jealous bastard but not that much of a bastard. He was stopped by John's mouth on his and all altruistic thought flew out the window. It was a soft and tender kiss: full of affection and Rodney was lost.

"Stay with me while I sleep, okay? I hate waking up alone. Guess you know that though, huh?" And John proceeded to snuggle up to Rodney and wrap his arms around him. As if Rodney were the answer to his every prayer rather than an opportunistic son of a bitch. But Rodney allowed the cuddles and indeed curled himself around John. He pet and rubbed and patted until John was in a deep sleep. Deep enough that he never felt Rodney's tears falling on his face.

Rodney's dreams of confessing all were interrupted by the door chimes. Not wanting to wake John, he hurriedly got up and answered the door. It was the damn blonde..with flowers. Her blue eyes opened wide at the sight of rumpled Rodney blocking the way into John's room. "I ah..I brought some flowers from the greenhouse. To ah..to cheer John ..you know..the Major..to cheer him up." During this annoying babbling, she was straining to see into the room. Looking for her target.

The tiny angel on Rodney's shoulder never had a chance as the tiny devil piped up. "Sorry, John is sleeping. But thanks for the flowers, it'll be nice to brighten up our ..I mean his room." At that moment Rodney moved aside, just a bit. Just enough that Miss Bleach Blonde could see John sleeping in the rooms single bed. He watched in glee as color drained from her face and she stammered an apology for waking them up.

"One down only a few dozen more to go," thought Rodney, smiling in dark satisfaction. He turned to see John stretching his arms over his head. The muscles in his naked chest rippled and Rodney found his mouth going dry at the sight. John looked at him and smiled.

"Hey, Rodney, can you help me take a shower? Dr.Beckett said I could if I was careful." And so it was that Rodney McKay came to be looking at naked John.

The water cascaded over his lean form. He was all muscle and hair and smooth wet skin. Rodney was sure that there was no way he could have stopped himself from touching. At first just a single fingertip, stroking softly over a pink nipple. When it hardened immediately, Rodney felt compelled to sooth it with his tongue. Taking the breathy groan as a plea not to stop, Rodney found himself stroking the entire naked, wet body. Not caring that his boxers and tee shirt were soaked, Rodney stepped up behind John and began to wash him. Using his soapy hands, he touched every part of John's body. Finally, giving in to Johns cries, he grasped John's erection firmly and began to stroke. Only when he felt John's legs start to buckle did he allow the orgasm and he came just from the sound of John calling out his name.

Rodney barely got John dried off and back to the bed before he was asleep again. When the chimes rang again, Rodney didn't even try to hide his wet and sated state. The next visitor left almost immediately and Rodney realized that he dug the hole he was in so deeply he'd never get out. He knew that by the time he and John left the room, the rumors would be all around Atlantis. Rodney wondered vaguely what punishment he'd face for this, knowing it couldn't be worse that the pain he was feeling. He had everything he'd ever wanted but it was all base on a lie. A lie he planned to keep going as long as he could. He sat on John's bed and touched him softly, just wanting the contact. After a very long time he joined John in sleep.

Rodney awoke to the incredible feel of a wet sucking warmth on his erection. In an embarrassingly short time he was spurting helplessly into John's eager mouth. He was helpless to stop the kisses and caresses and murmurs of love. But when John started to prepare himself, Rodney had the presence of mind to stop him. That was one thing he couldn't allow. So ignoring John's sexy pouting lips, Rodney prepared himself to accept John into his own body. The initial pain of entry was nothing compared to the sharp pang of grief that he was betraying the man he loved. All thoughts left his mind though as he straddled John and felt the hardness press inside of him.

"Does it hurt?" asked John softly. It was only then that Rodney realized he was crying. Forestalling the questions he could sense in John's eyes, Rodney began to ride. Starting slow, the pace soon increased until he was stimulating his prostate with every downward thrust onto John's cock. And it was good, so good. It was heat and friction and warm hands rubbing his back and gentle fingers wiping his eyes. He could feel his orgasm rip through him, knowing the contractions of his inner muscles was forcing John to completion. They came within seconds of each other and their voices joined together in ecstasy. When they fell into sweet oblivion, they fell together.

PRESENT

Rodney awoke feeling sated and sore and sticky and happy. That changed as he jumped out of bed and stared at his bed partner. John Sheppard looked beautiful. Innocent and carefree and just beautiful. He looked like Rodney had always dreamed he would look after a night of intense lovemaking. Instead of the joy and peace Rodney had imagined he'd feel (in the unlikely event of this very occurrence) he felt a sharp pang of misery. "Oh, dear God, what have I done?" The guilt and pain nearly brought him to his knees.

His inner torment was interrupted when the chimes rang. Rodney was tempted to answer it naked but stopped long enough to put on pants and a tee shirt. He all but growled at the young marine who had a message for the Major from Weir.. and some freshly baked cookies from the mess. His innocent appearance was just covering the Major stealing bastard that he really was. Once Rodney shooed him away, he turned back to the room and saw that John was awake and looking vaguely amused.

"Jealous much, Rodney? I mean do you really think Captain Phillips was going to jump me in front of you? I really think you've put out enough 'Hands Off ' signals. After all, subtlety has never been your strong suit!" John had the standard Sheppard look #1; Amused smirk and quirked eyebrow. Uh-oh.

Rodney's eyes widened as he grasped the implications of John's remarks. He closed his eyes and prepared for his dreams to die, wondering if his body would follow. "How.. ah.. how long have you known?"

"Well, the bump really did rattle me and I was pretty confused for a while. But, I remembered most everything by the time we got to my room. I have to admit I wondered if I was forgetting our relationship..you seemed so possessive. Then I remembered it had always been wishful thinking on my part. I didn't mean for it to go this far but it was nice to see you so open and to be able to express my ..you know..my feelings." John actually looked a bit abashed.

"I lied to you. I took advantage of you. I.."

"You love me." John's simple statement stopped Rodney' ramble. He nodded.

"Yes, John. I love you. So much."

"And by so much you mean..?" John prompted the confession with a straight face but a wicked twinkle was in his eyes.

Rodney narrowed his eyes in irritation. "Enough that I turned into an opportunistic jealous bastard intent on keeping you for myself and away from the groveling masses." The relief coursing through Rodney was so great he felt almost fainted..in a many kind of way. He might be a jealous conniving bastard but he was John's jealous conniving bastard. Finally.

John confirmed his thoughts with a laugh. "I've been waiting for you, Rodney. I love you, too. I know I should be pissed about the charade but strangely, I find myself turned on that you want me so much! And before you ask, no I will not get your name tattooed on my ass..or anywhere else. I will promise to be yours and no one else's, though." And John proceeded to kiss and caress Rodney until he was on the verge of exploding.

"Love you John..always!" Rodney's last coherent thought was that John hadn't said word one about hickeys. And really in the long run a hickey would be easier to keep on than the 'Really, Really Mine! Hands Off' sign he'd been planning.

This time Rodney fell asleep with John. There would need to be discussions and confessions and admissions but for now the two men were content to sleep twined together. Warm and happy and in love. Unforgettable.