Resolutions

by boilerbmw

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asb/boilerbmw/resoluti.php
Summary: A New Years Resolution in Atlantis

Rodney McKay had made an inordinate amount of New Year's Resolutions in his lifetime. As a child he had vowed to become the son that his parents wanted. He resolved to be good enough to make them a happy family. When that didn't work he resolved to become 'cool'. If his family didn't want him he would just find a group of friends that did. That didn't work out so well, either. He was always too 'something'. Too smart, too sarcastic.

Then Rodney discovered music and his next New Year's Resolution was easy to choose. He would become a great pianist. He would make people admire him. He would make people respect him. Maybe they would even love him.

Well, fast forward a few years and Rodney was sitting alone in his room on New Year's Eve. He could hear his parents screaming and his piano was gone and there were no party invitations in the mailbox. Rodney decided that if he couldn't change enough to fit into the world around him, he would do the opposite. He resolved to put himself and his considerable genius first. He would claw his way to the top of the scientific ladder. He wouldn't hide his opinions or his brilliance. He wouldn't pretend to understand the people around him. No more trying to be liked ..no more trying to fit in. To hell with everyone. He fell asleep, confidant that he had finally found a resolution that was attainable. And if there were tears on his pillow that night, well no one would ever know.

But tonight Rodney McKay was in a different time and a different place. Being in a new galaxy was the least of the differences.

Tonight it was New Year's Eve in Atlantis. Rodney now spent his time leading a group of the finest scientists in two galaxies. He spent his days exploring the universe with the best and bravest people he had ever known. He was admired and respected and even liked. He was surrounded by people who accepted him; flaws and all. And best of all..

Best of all, Rodney spent his nights with someone who loved him. John Sheppard was beautiful and smart and brave. He was everything that Rodney had always wanted to be. Amazingly, John thought that Rodney was beautiful and smart and brave, too.

People in Atlantis pretty much knew about John and Rodney and even though there were a lot of military personnel, no one really seemed to mind. Rodney received pats and grins and even winks from the troops. No shoves, or punches or hatred filled glares.

John said that it would stay that way when they went home, that they would always be together. But Rodney knew better. He knew that a love like theirs would never be accepted. He knew that the scientific camaraderie he'd found would disappear into rivalry back on Earth. The military mindset would revert to type and he wouldn't be the hero or the friend or the lover. He'd be alone again.

So he made two final New Year's Resolutions as he sat in John's bed watching his sleeping lover. First he resolved to forgive himself for being weak and selfish. Forgive himself for putting his own happiness above the needs of the rest of Atlantis. Forgive himself for wanting this new life so much.

So much so that he had lied about the energy readings on the last mission. No one questioned the lie or checked on his story. So no one found the fully charged ZPM that he had discovered, disabled, and hidden. His final resolution was that he would not, under any circumstance, give up this life. He would not give up this new family and he would most certainly not give up John Sheppard.

Taking a deep breath and willing the guilt away, Rodney slipped under the covers and curved his body around John's welcoming warmth. The warmth that made him sure of his decisions..his resolutions.

He held John tightly, but Rodney didn't fall asleep for a long time.

The End