The Last Cup Of Coffee

by cats_bum1

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asc/cbum1/coffee.php
Summary: Not supplied

Part 1

The rumour mill for once happened to be true, the coffee supply was exhausted. Not the powdered cheap artificial piss poor crap that gathered dust undisturbed by the crate full, we are talking about the real coffee bean with aroma, taste and texture that was gone, and the passing would be mourned by the many. Dr.Becket was not looking forward to the next few weeks, no-one really considered coffee as a serious addiction, but the substance was now off the menu and there were going to be a lot of scrapes and short tempers going round for the next few but long weeks.

The one remaining known ration of the substance belonged to Major John Sheperd, intell showed that it still lay untouched in it's air tight packaging somewhere on the desk in Shepherds small and barely used quarters. Once brewed up it would fill a lone Air force issue mug and it would be gone, leaving them all with one less connection of back home. John found it both amusing and irritating, to be watched with such enthusiasm by those surrounding him, all over a sachet of ground coffee beans.

Day One, the cans were opened and the 'new coffee' was distributed through out the base. There were many comments on the new batch the descriptions ranging from powdered shit onwards, even Mackay commonly seen nursing a coffee pot refused a second cup. Shepherd looked at the sea of faces in the mess that morning, and chose to drink the tea on offer. Only Teyla seemed happy to drink the 'muck' as the new coffee had been christened, Lt. Ford watched her down a second cup with gusto and disbelief as she mentioned that perhaps she could trade a little of it with one of the settlements.

Surprisingly Rodney didn't rag him about 'the stash' as Lt. Ford so politely put it. After two days or so, John actually felt mean not sharing the little packet, but this wasn't fair on him either. Everyone had rations and extra's so why did he feel somewhat persecuted because he hadn't bothered to eat and drink his full allowance every day. Mackay well, he didn't pretend that he was perfect and that jibe about 11 cups of coffee didn't seem to bother him at all, you just couldn't insult the guy. The little donut was a walking eating machine, and if he wasn't eating or drinking he was whining about not being taken seriously or something, yep the little cannuck was a real prima-donna.

By the end of the week Major Shepherd was getting a little angry, he'd been stopped or called too many times over his coffee, people he'd never met before offered him money, drugs, porn or to trade a favour. Okay, maybe it really was nothing, but were they reverting to type, what was going to happen if things got really bad, Atlantis ran out of power and they were forced to scavenge every day just to live. What would happen when things got desperate, what would happen to the non-military personnel and who would protect them from each other ...he'd just thought himself into a major headache, and for once Mackay hadn't started the argument.

In fact he hadn't seen Rodney for over 2 days, not that it bothered him but what the hell...they could always snipe at each other for 15 minutes and things would more settled...well normal or as normal could get around here. In fact Rodney was now a constant, a point of reference, a sounding board as well as someone to sound off at when he felt frustrated by Dr. Weir and the growing constraints of his command with all their Star Trek gung ho crap.

People weren't nice, end of story. Morality is a wonderful virtue, but those edicts were made by people who had everything and could afford to be real generous, people with nothing to fear or to lose. Hell we just walked into the equivalent of a third world universe during an interstellar war game and we don't know the rules or have a get out of jail free card.

The help they had given the one society, nearly wiped the pre-atomic civilization out. Hell if they were on earth they'd be standing at the Nurenburg assizes as war criminals. We were all oh so keen to have a weapon against the wraith, Atlantis base never thought just how much those other people were willing to sacrifice. We couldn't comprehend ...it was all so ...civilized and so calm, and they were so bloody smug with themselves. Himself, Weir the other scientists in the community, it was so obvious and we just didn't see it.

These people had the calm of desperation ....and it went completely over all our superior heads and asses in Atlantis. Beckett tried so hard to do the right thing, he tried to tell them something was wrong and was trying to help the people at the same time. The man was choking on his hypocratic oath and we didn't listen because he's a civilian.

Shepherd remembered seeing Beckett quietly folding in on himself as the woman he became attached to died painful, thanking him for giving her people a chance of survival. Beckett would always be a hero to these people, a people desperate for vengeance and desperate for life, even if it meant killing half of their population to do it. Beckett felt as if he'd personally signed the death warrant of their entire race, Shepherd and Weir had held the document and told him where to sign.

No, the last few weeks hadn't been that good, not good at all. The enormity of the situation was still sinking in. Shepherd was off duty and had returned to his room, his sombre mood had only gotten blacker over the last few hours, so he'd decided to take some Advil and sleep it off. On the spur of the moment he changed his route and felt that he needed to check in on Mackay. Not seeing the man for a few days bothered him more than he at first thought.

Tomorrow they'd take puddle jumper out to test a new gate address, he didn't want an argument with Mackay but somehow he felt a little anxious about the man.

Pilsbury boy the scientist is a walking accident, if it was going to break, fracture, shatter, leak, explode, implode, disintegrate, stab, bite, attack or generally cause some form of damage it would happen to the acid queen cannuck. Rodney Mackay could offend every living thing in every known galaxy just by simply existing, it simply had to be a god given talent. Shepherd smiled slightly. Rodney could distract just about anybody without even trying, you got so busy aguing with him, you forgot to be worried about yourself or the other terrifying crap going on around you. You grind your teeth at him for demanding your attention and he grounded you in the reality of the moment and the fact that you are just a man.

Simply strolling into the lab without warning would of course irritate the hell out of Mackay, so that's what Major Shepherd did. What he didn't expect was to find said dough-boy curled up asleep on top of one of the work benches. Shepherd considered shaking him awake as he walked up to the bench but changed his mind when he got closer to Mackay and saw the sleeping mans face. Shepherd half expected Rodney to be as prickly asleep as he was awake, so obviously there would be snoring, snot or drool or a mixture of all three irritating traits. A blanket had dropped on the floor and his shoes were missing, obviously someone else had been here and tried to make him comfortable, or had they?

Mackay wore a watch with an alarm, Ford had ragged him about it in the past, called him Mr. Popular, having to schedule alarms to be places as he had so many invites with people to go out and see. Everyone knew Mackay wasn't a likeable person, he didn't get invited to the mess to eat, drink or any socializing except when work related. Sometimes they would see him around 5am, having coffee with Dr. Beckett but otherwise he simply wasn't around. He was here, or in the infirmary, or he'd be eating breakfast with them in the mess before joining them on puddle jumper.

He'd never considered asking Mackay to join him for a meal when off duty, Teyla and Ford dropped in frequently, they watched taped football games, drank beer, played basketball and relaxed. Hell Teyla and Ford were practically in each others laps off duty. It was normal and healthy and kind of like being back home, relaxed and friendly like, no big deal.

Picking the blanket off the floor he shook it out and placed it over Mackay who sleepily snuggled into the soft material. That's when he saw the tears, real honest to god tears. They dropped onto the blanket as he pulled it upto his face. Fresh ones seemed to follow them as the figure curled up tighter. It was something John Shepherd never expected to see, and it briefly stunned him. Someone he knew personally was in utter abject misery, curled up in a small room away from general living quarters, so no one could see his humiliation. He guessed this wouldn't be the first time Mackay did this; this could go as far back as when they first landed.

Shepherd drew up a stool and sat at another workbench where he could see Rodney face on, and admit to himself what a serious blunder he'd made. Mackay doesn't have anyone really, no wonder he gets so pissy and feels ignored. We just rub it all in, Ford takes the teasing thumbs up from me, and that can get real sharp. I dress him down in front of the other serviceman and make jokes when his oppo's are around. The Doctors near enough his friend but he tells him off and calls him a whiny little girl on more than a few occasions.

I really missed all the signs...and I'm supposed to be a caring and nurturing personality...or that's what the psych report said. Well they got that one wrong as well, has to be real up close and personal for me to notice They forgot about that one. Well can't get much more up close than this now, can I?

I'd forgotten how much something like that can hurt a person, but you're supposed to grow out of it after high school and graduation. Have I, hell have we been just teasing or has it started to turn mean, he's on my team and people take the lead from me or has it gone further. Hell they probably got Rodney straight out of school, and it probably hasn't changed in his opinion. Sweet Jesus, the guy must be miserable as hell, he can't go home, or call anyone or even talk to his family.

Okay big shot, what are you going to do about this little situation when you're responsible for it. Thanks to yours truly, your team mate is now bullied, tormented and isolated. You are meant to protect this man and you've half destroyed him. Any self worth the guy has got is going down the pan, not to mention he can't leave and everyone believes he's a selfish, cold and vindictive s.o.b. Oh boy, I really messed this one up, and he's the genius that's holding most of Atlantis together.

After another 10 minutes of self recriminations, Mackay's watch alarm went off, and the smaller man began to wake and stretch his limbs. Shepherd watched Mackay slowly focus on his surroundings and the fact that he was not alone.

Before Mackay could say anything Shepherd smiled at him and said "Sorry Mackay, didn't mean to startle you, I know I push you to figure things out but you are allowed time to sleep in a bed, hell what sort of man do you think I am." The tone was light and only slightly teasing, Shepherd was trying to sound casual and not put Rodney back on his guard.

He'd make sure that things would change and he'd somehow reach Mackay and make up for the misery he'd caused. Plain saying sorry, wasn't going to work and Shepherd was genuinely sorry, more than sorry in fact, but he wasn't going to dwell on those feelings. Shepherd knew he had a thing for kicked puppies and damsels in distress; Rodney Mackay was neither and yet he somehow was. It was also a strange feeling knowing that he was to blame for it...guilt he decided tasted a lot like vomit.

They would no doubt bicker and snipe at each other, but Shepherd now had Rodney Mackay on his conscience. The team would become a real team both in and out of the wormhole, Mackay would not be left out, unless he chose to be by himself. He belonged to Shepherd now and like his name sake, John Shepherd would look after the lamb Mackay.

Part 2 - We're on the Road to Nowhere ..

It is often said the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and then there was Rodney Mckay.

For two weeks Major John Shepherd played nice, Rodney got pretty much what he wanted, which was namely John to touch new objects as the various search parties came across them. Hope in finding any more of the personal shields or devices to use as weapons was waning as each room searched disclosed little of the people who once lived there.

Rodney's mood swings ranged from outright witty to sarcastic and then he just seemed to get downright mean with people. It was like being around an ADD child, it tired everyone out that worked with him. He'd be fine one minute and the next he'd be snapping people's heads off. The number of chocolate and granola bars he ate also seemed be growing, he constantly maintained it was for his hypo-glycaemia. Shepherd snickered when one of the techs whispered 'substitute sex more likely'. Hell John thought that was a myth but watching Rodney eating one of those sickly bars on occasion made him wonder. It was kind of funny, icky but funny. The mouth in question was currently chewing and sucking on another bar. He sure does have a sweet tooth there, it's a wonder he's got any teeth left. Probably had them capped before they fell out.

By now Shepherd was past bored, and his mind was definitely wandering you know I'm really bored, no wonder scientists go nuts. He could be trying to activate a saltshaker for all he knew, as he tried 'something' when handed yet again another piece of the pretty but redundant junk that seemed to litter the immense city.

Rodney seemed to trawl things out of the cupboards and draws of the small lab on a continual basis much to the amazement and growing irritation of Major Shepherd. He's so goddam happy upto his neck in this crap, no wonder he's got no social skills. Oh honey what did you do today? Plenty dear, I have catalogued at least five hundred different types of cutlery, how was your day? Start any new wars or kill any people by accident. Rodney, I got it wrong, you must really like living in a cupboard filled with all this ...whatever it is your looking at, you live for it, this is your life.

What should have been a real opportunity to get to know McKay was turning into a small war of nerves. John chatted and McKay answered back, there was just no connection there. He seemed to be constantly distracted by the coming and goings of other people. It was obvious the man had an insatiable curiosity about how things 'worked' but it finished there. He openly resented people, they were in his opinion either useless busybodies or nuisances.

He could discuss, examine, advise, instruct and extrapolate theories with ease as long as there was a dividing wall, intercom, corridor or several floors between himself and the other person. Major Shepherd was beginning to think that Rodney was genuinely reclusive by nature. Being forced to live alongside so many people probably irked him more than most. This has got be something to do with him being a Cannuck. Knowing Rodney he probably spent his childhood in a small town in the middle of nowhere with a grand population of 40, one telephone, one doctor, one school and one grocery store.

Nah, I know plenty of Canadians and they're complete nutballs, fun but nutballs all the same, Rodney is just plain antsy

It had been yet another day of 'failures' as far as John Shepherd was concerned, okay finding another way to open a door or flush a toilet was kind of cool but there weren't any real leaps for mankind that he could work out in that.. McKay handed over yet another item from the pile. "What is this a ceramic loofah." Probably the Atlantian idea of a joke gift.

How the hell does he keep track of everything Shepherd thought.

Lab, looks more like a junk shop to me, there's no pattern in his grading, he doesn't seem to have a filing system and I know he doesn't have an eidetic memory. He's a complete slob. No wonder we can't find anything that works.

John was surprised to find that Rodney was staring at him, as if he knew exactly Shepherd was thinking.

Okay it's official, I knew it, I just had to get the nut ball scientist, it's the unwritten law, 7 years of the good then just as I get myself a nice life, bingo. I get myself landed with lards here no excuse me; grade A lards genius scientist and all round prick, Rodney Mckay ...little asswipe. You know Rodney, I bet you're one of those voyeurs, people who are so uptight they can't get laid so you watch other people instead, oh man you are one twisted little sucker.

Jesus, I really hate it when you brush me off like that, what did I do...steal your candy bar. Hell I can get laid any time I want unlike you. Why can't you be a man for christsake not some... whiny snot-nosed whatever.

Just then John Shepherd stopped his day dreaming and noticed Mckay had stopped chewing the fruit bar and was staring at him. Why the hell are you looking so pissed at me for.

Keep your temper, John boy remember be nice, maybe he's going for the big one. A conversation without any insults thrown in. Nah..it would be too much for him. That was it, Shepherd had been patient, more than patient, in fact he'd been a real boy scout these last few weeks, but it just wasn't working. He decided enough was enough, he'd done his bit and now it was time to call it a day.

Putting the 'thing' down on the desk in front of him, he looked at Mckay and said "You know Rodney I got passed the touchy – feely thing when I left kindergarden, somehow I think you'll have more fun playing with your toys alone."

Mckay just gave him the now standard 'I hate you because your everybody's idea of Mr. Wonderful look' However Shepherd had gone passed the 'I've been a jerk and lets make friends stage' and ignored Rodney's fixed glare.

Shepherd smirked back at Rodney Yep...ticked the little python off again.

For once Rodney didn't choose to start the conversation with "You fly boys think it's oh so easy for us to figure things out." He seemed ready to let this confrontation drop before it started.

Rodney lowered his gaze and stepped back slightly from the table currently loaded with items. He folded his arms across his chest in what seemed an almost protective gesture and looked down at the floor.

"It's okay, you know, you've helped me a lot Major Shepherd, and you're right I've been wasting your time, so I won't detain you any longer. I think we've both had enough of each other. Let'sjust call it a day."

Somehow Rodney still managed to make the concession into an insult. Shepherd bit his tongue and followed Mckay out of the lab and into the main walkway, at this time of day the concourse was bustling and John Shepherd didn't notice Rodney dropping behind him in the crowded hallways of the upper level.

Mckay had sounded genuinely disappointed in him, and for the life of him John didn't know why.

More than anything Rodney couldn't explain how he felt, he wanted to honestly sit down and talk; really talk out things with Elizabeth Weir or Major Shepherd. He just couldn't be around Carson, without cringing for some reason, Carson was his friend but he felt as if he was falling into a dark pit whenever they met. Didn't people see the distress Carson was in, it just flowed off him, much like the anger or resentment of the people walking passed him in the corridors. He could almost hear the whispers and sniggers aimed at him as passed a group of airmen in the hallway. Fatboy. Creep. Loser Coward.

He'd never been comfortable with crowds, he felt smothered by the sheer mass of bodies surrounding him. Rodney didn't swim well in or out of water. He didn't like the accidental touches or people treading on his feet. He didn't like the smell of sweat or the stinking breath of the bigger man who always managed to stand too close to him.

While Rodney Mckay was losing his sense of self in the crowded hallway, Shepherd walked on, intent on making his way into the small private cafferia that his air force rank granted him.

However he made the mistake of grabbing a cup of coffee from the newly brewed pot , Muck ...they sure got that one right. He spat the mouthful back into the mug...This was really not his day, first Mckay then Elizabeth ragging him on his reports and now this. He really could use that mug of real coffee now. Nope, think I'll save it for a really bad day. You know maybe it's the gene that's making Rodney a real pain lately, it could be hormonal or something, hell how he talked Beckett in splicing it in the first place beats me, maybe it just wasn't meant to happen. I just give up with him...he's too much damn trouble.

It wasn't working out, the harder he tried to be friendly the more tetchy Mckay got. Shepherd had talked with Ford and Teyla over a beer about the building tensions. He didn't go into details, just asked them to cut Rodney a little more slack, John claimed Dr. Beckett had spoken to him about Rodney's stress levels. Aidenn just gave him the nod and the smile..."No problem Major Shepherd..Sir" it was not meant to be an order and Aidenn was joshing him about, No problem indeed

It was an easy enough lie, and who knows maybe it was the truth, the little guy was completely stressed out by everything. But somehow it still managed to backfire as Rodney pushed all the wrong buttons and if anything seemed to be getting more uptight around people.

Only Dr. Beckett seemed at ease with Mckay. Whether the cannuck was in a bad mood or a good mood, whatever. Rodney was always in some sort of mood and none of them appeared to be pleasant. Unless of course he was gloating, then you were looking at a kid with a new toy syndrome, not the scientist he was supposed to be, and slowly things began to slip back into the 'normal' routine again.

It was easier for everyone concerned. Shepherd didn't have totry to be nice and Rodney obviously was a prick who would bite the hand of friendship off at the wrist. Shepherd also thought of offering Carson Beckett the humanitarian of the year award, for not trying to strangle Rodney on at least two occasions that he knew of. Something still nagged at John though, maybe not on a conscious level, as a pilot he trusted his instincts and all his instincts told him to keep a close watch on Mckay.

What have I done wrong now thought Shepherd I try to be nice, invite him over to watch football, even pushed Aiden into calling him and having breakfast together on non-non mission days, and what do I get ... nothing Absolutely nothing, zilch, zip, nada, he's even more annoying than before. Well that's it, I've tried, and Mrs Shepherd didn't raise her boy to be a fool, no more Mr nice guy, he wants to be miserable, that's fine with me,I've tried, I really have, he's.. he's just as asshole, end of story

You don't want friends fine, that's just fine with me.

However, a conscience can be much like eating a cucumber; it has a bad habit of repeating on you.

Whenever the two were in close proximity the air currents changed.. Positive and negative ions were being generated by their presence as John Shepherd's anger was building, and Rodney Mckay was in turns withdrawn and overconfident in his abilities. He seemed to take a delight in aggravating people and John Shepherd was seriously considering asking Elizabeth to replace the unpredictable Mckay.

The problem was he couldn't do it, something was stopping him from walking into that office and saying "Elizabeth, we have a serious problem and it's nothing to do with the Wraith." It was that sometimes, just sometimes Mckay looked ..so utterly alone. John my man, you are such a pushover for the candy kid, you don't whether to punch him or hug him, but something sure isn't working properly in Mckay's head. I think it's time that me and the Doc had a talk.

It was therefore an uncomfortable John Shepherd who met with Carson Beckett on the subject of one Rodney Mckay. Surpringly Dr. Beckett was not rude or outright suspicious of Shepherd's motives, as they sat in a small examination room. Carson was by nature a generous man, the soft highland accent and the odd bouts of shyness were incredibly disarming. It was all too easy to forget his complete authority as a physician, and leader in the field of abnormal genetics.

John found out a few things during the thirty minutes he managed to spend with Carson. Primarily that a) as a doctor Carson Beckett had the regulation cold hands, b) Dr. Beckett had a very good taste in malt whisky and c) "Rodney Mckay for all his gripping is a genius's bloody genius, a complete pain in the ass but not in any way could he be considered dangerous or insane". Carson as a doctor could not divulge any personal information other than say there were a few mild side-effects from the gene plantation, but Rodney had handled them well. The other volunteers drew nothing, their systems accepted the new strand but absolutely nothing else happened. It was a puzzle, but then Rodney was the first recipient and that could have played a part in the initial success. As Carson Beckett was about to leave the room he said "I wouldn't change him for the world, ma' Ronnie just finds it hard to get on with people, an that's not always his fault."

However the next day John Shepherd didn't feel that generous as things steadily got worse on a routine recon mission. In fact John Shepperd was close to kicking Rodney Mckay out of Puddle Jumper, good intentions or not. The man had simply not shut up the entire journey in and out of the swampland they wrongly classed as a hospitable planet. Gate or no gate, you couldn't seriously think there was sentient life here. Maybe a couple of million years ago, but whatever was here now was on it's way out.

"I've seen more advanced lifeforms on the sole of my boots." Mckay griped.

"You dragged me out here for this, what am I, a second rate lab technician with bad breathe and acne. I am a goddam genius for freakin sake, you want to do a milk run, get yourself a milkmaid or get one of your precious air force comrades to do it."

Shepherd glanced back from the cockpit of puddle jumper at a wet and mad, Mckay. Oh yeah ..Rodney was in full rant mode, Teyla didn't seem to notice the outburst and Lt. Ford just gave the "I told you look". Yeah the kid's getting his smarts all right Shepherd grinned Worked it out real quick, ignoring Rodney really gets to him.

Mckay was wet and bedraggled, the extra clothes he kept on board had gotten soaked when one of the sample jars he was stacking fell apart in his hands. He was miserable. God alone knows what bugs he'd swallowed when he tripped and went head first into that fetid bog that so charming called a lake.

"I'm fed up of being your goddam errand boy, Mckay fix this, Mckay look at that, hey Mckay get your ass over here. Do you know how much time I get to spend in my lab, well...You don't know, you know why, even I don't know any more"

"You've got freakin scientists from all over goddam Atlantis and I'm the one who ends up filling the damn specimen jars and checking the goddam sewage levels, I'm not an engineer or an architect, or a biologist, so why the hell do people expect me to fix the damn things for them."

Without looking back at Mckay, Teyla said "Because you are trusted to do these things Rodney" it was the only comment Teyla had made the entire journey and it was the truth. Mckay seemed to end up doing well doing lots of things supposedly outside his field of expertise.

Shepherd hadn't really thought about that, but it was true, Rodney was telling the truth, you just didn't hear it most the time, oryou didn't want to hear him... that was the problem and to be honest ...Major Shepherd didn't really know how many fields Mckay was proficient in, he just expected Mckay to be there doing something about it.

All John really wanted to do was go back to Atlantis, take a long hot shower and kickback with a beer and a football game..

Mckay however was not sitting down or strapped in, he was moving about in the back of the ship distracting Ford from his course and area calculations. It was the last set of jibes that blew John Shepherd's final fuse. Okay this is it, time to play hard ball this ends here and now. It's either this... or I'll slap the little cockroach into next week.

John's words were loud and clear, his tone was crisp and pure military. The invisible line had now been crossed and John Shepherd was royally pissed. He didn't want to hurt the scientist but he'd gone too far and Major Shepherd was all out of good reasons to be nice with Rodney any more.

"Rodney, you here me, shut the f*** up, sit down belt up and shut your vicious little mouth." "I swear I'll throw you off this goddam ship if you don't do as you're told, air force or no air force."

"I've had enough of your belly aching and I'm sick of you. You seriously think you can treat me and mine like they're some sort of fools, well your wrong and you are a complete asshole. I am sick of you, I don't know anyone on Atlantis that isn't sick of you. You listen to me boy, you are gonna behave or I swear I will go Old Testament on your ass here and now."

"If you can't do your job you're useless to me and everyone here, understand me, comprede, capish. After we get back you are grounded and I never want to see your miserable face again. You want something from me in the future, I want a written request in triplicate via a third party, you don't talk to me ever, you do not see me ever. You do not exist, you do not qualify as a human being...Do I make myself absolutely perfectly 100% clear."

Mckay heard every word Shepherd, the sheer intensity on John's annoyance felt like a physical blow. Major Shepherd was correct of course, he knew that. It was a constant, perhaps the one true constant in his life. He was utterly worthless as a person, his only value was in solving the problems placed before him. But it never stopped, he wasn't allowed time to really think and then he couldn't think and things became a blur, and then people came with more problems and more and more. I've spent my entire being traded like a baseball card, and when I find the answer they trade me back to someone else.

Antarctic had been the first real home Rodney had in years, he could breathe there, the surface was barren and oddly beautiful yet he never grew tired of walking around in it. There it was so easy to clear his thoughts and not feel crowded in. As for Carson Beckett, he was a walking teddy bear, you couldn't help but like him. They never spoke about what happened at the base, but he was grateful that Carson was his friend and helped him get over the 'incident.' Carson had been incredibly gentle with him and warned Rodney that he could do nothing except be there when Mckay had bad day. Except every day on Atlantis was now a bad day and Carson Beckett was still grieving. Rodney knew his problems were insignificant in comparison.

Teyla turned to face Shepherd, looking more disappointed than stern, "Major Shepherd, do you think you have spoken wisely toyour friend." "I understand tiredness, and have seen many poor harvests to know how bitter it can be for people to continue searching." Since their first meeting, Teyla had been the calm voice of reason. Her insight into situations had nothing to do with the backwater planet her people lived on. Lack of technology did not mean lack of talent or education. Her people adapted in order to survive the harvesting of the Wraith therefore it was inevitable they would value every single man, woman and child. Somehow she noticed when in and around Atlantis that Mckay seemed to be more unsettled by the people around him. He was often challenged over his ideas, he was overlooked even pushed out of the way by others, until he became distant with his comrades. She turned round in her seat to face Mckay, it was not a good thing for these men to argue, they were meant to stay together. She knew that Mckay dreaded leaving Atlantis, and became even more agitated on their return journeys. However before she could say anything else Rodney began to speak.

It was the tone of Mckay's voice that set Shepherd's alarm bells went off.

"I'm tired and I can't do this any more, I can't watch them dying because I can't get it right. I can't fix it, what good am I if I can't fix it for you to get back home". "What good am I to anybody if I can't make it right". "Why Can't I Stop Them from Killing Us."

Shepherd didn't want to move, he didn't want to hear this .....he wanted Rodney to be snotty and abusive. Not this ...this was private and invasive and terrible. He could hear every fragile gasp as the man behind them tried to hold back from breaking down in tears As he spoke the guilt, self-loathing and fears of Rodney Mckay continued to pour out of his mouth. Teyla moved forward into the seat as john vacated it and began to make the call to Dr. Beckett. Ford nodded and took the controls, all traces of boyish humour gone.

Lt. Ford would not turn round, not even if John Shepherd ordered him to. He would not look back, he knew Mckay was crying, 5 minutes ago he could have laughed about this as a typical tantrum. Five minutes ago he didn't know Mckay cared so deeply about them all, lost and stranded in Atlantis. Rodney felt responsible for all of it. Every day he woke up knowing that he couldn't get them out and he couldn't find a power source strong enough to protect them. Every day someone expected the miracle, and every night Rodney Mckay asked himself why he couldn't find it as the options became more limited and the body count grew higher.

Teyla's few words made Ford feel suddenly small "Because you are trusted to do these things Mckay".

Teyla hit the nail on the head You know all this time I thought he had a bad attitude, I was wrong, I'm the one with the attitude, I'm in the service I just kept forgetting he's not, everybody he knew ragged Mckay or blamed the Cannuck for something that he had nothing to do, with or no control over.

I never made the time I just did my job. I just forgot to be friends that's all...I've been so busy with my life ...I forgot to look around me, I never thought to ask, even when Shepherd told me to be nice, I didn't know ...I didn't think, I never thought he felt so bad about it all, like it's his fault we're stuck here.

By now Mckay had worn himself out, he sat down and tried hard to be very still, he felt utterly small and of no consequence to anyone ...Useless He'd stopped speaking and just sat there, he just didn't have the energy to move, in fact he didn't think he could stop himself from crying.. He was just too tired to care how they saw him, they didn't like him anyway, and that wasn't their fault. People don't like me ....I'm not likeable.....End of Story I'm not good enough

No, No...that's wrong....I'm not thinking straight ....I'm here on puddle jumper and I'm tired and I want a bath and I want to go to bed for a week..then I can think .....then I can make things work.

As John Shepherd approached Rodney, Shepherd noticed how dazed the man looked. Crap he's probably hypo-glycemic again.

There was a supply of candy bars on puddle jumper and Mckay's backpack was on the seat next to him, John pulled a bar out and unwrapped it. Was Mckay in shock, Shepherd didn't know, he was talking softly but it didn't sound right, like he was a kid or something, and he was shivering in the wet clothes.

That's not going to help is it. Shepherd shucked out of his jacket and leaning down tried to wrap it around Rodney's shoulders. ''Come on Rodney, Come on Rodney, wakey wakey, mustn't fall asleep, Carson will crucify me if you get sick again". "Come on Rodney, let's eat some chocolate, just a piece here and a piece there, I know you'll feel better in a minute. Then we can go home and go to bed, you want to go to bed don't you Rodney.'' He knew he was talking to Mckay like a child but he couldn't think of anything else to do to keep Mckay calm and responsive. Somehow between feeding Rodney chocolate and trying to keep the warm jacket on him, John ended up sitting on the floor next to the distressed man. Jesus, Rodney how long's this been going on, didn't we try to talk to you, get you to open up a bit more.

What he didn't expect was Rodney to suddenly lean into him and put his arms around him. Okay I can do this, he's like a kid anyway, he just wants someone to hug him that's all, no big deal. I'm okay with this Oh Crap he's crying . This wasn't a tantrum it was a horrible kind of distress that had reduced Mckay to a desperately needy and child like state that John Shepherd hoped Rodney would snap out with rest. I thought... you know ...it was just a problem with us, the team. We pushed, you pushed back, looks like everybody's been pushing you, blaming you for their failures and the mistakes We just stood by and let 'em. Never occurred to me that most of the crap that happens in Atlantis has nothing to do with you.

Shepherd wasn't used to eating humble pie but he'd managed to screw it up with Mckay again and he knew it. The evidence was holding onto him for dear life and crying bitterly. John Shepherd did what any big brother did without thinking, he rocked and shushed and gently stroked the hair of Rodney Mckay.

"Hey now Ronnie, Carson calls you Ronnie doesn't he, well he told me a little secret. It's okay for you to be tired, you've been working real hard and if you want to just sit down here with me that's okay too" "I'm real sorry, I didn't mean what I said, I know you work hard and you want to get us all safely home. sssshhhhhh it'sokay" " You're my friend, I just haven't been very nice to you and I want you to understand that I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. My name's supposed to mean Shepherd, as in protector, guide and friend. Well I really haven't been living upto it now have I Ronnie. "Rodney, I'm going to make things better for you, understand. "Ronnie, can you forgive me, I promise I'll never leave you alone to face things or turn my back on you again. I know this team is special and we work because you make things happen...not me. I switch things on and off, you learn how to use them, make them safe for the rest of us." " You want to sleep, I don't mind, that's okay, you just go to sleep. I'm here and we'll have a long talk with Dr. Beckett and we'll make things right. I swear I won't ever leave you to face things alone again."

John Shepherd meant every word he said, Mckay was an emotional wreck, instead of helping the man they'd been part of the problem. Mckay understood deceit and fake friendships. The cocky scientist was anything but, in reality he was insecure and agonized over failures both real and imaginary. He was constantly being thrown into situations he had no control of or past experience to rely on, with a group of team mates that ridiculed him. He was anything but insensitive, he seemed to feel every negative emotion around him and took them as personal attacks. Carson had hinted that Rodney ...Ronnie was not all he seemed, and this is what it took for John Shepherd to finally see the real Mckay. The self destruction of someone who worried and grieved by themselves, too scared or too burned to trust people with all his fears and vulnerabilities.

Perceptive my ass When I get back to earth I'm gonna have that shrink fired.

John Shepherd had to call somewhere home, and so 'home' was now Atlantis because it was all they had. It occurred to John that Rodney had never mentioned his family or friends back home. The obvious lie about having a relationship with Major Carter was Mckay in a bouncy mood on a good day. He was neither graphic or derogatory when he spoke about Sam Carter. It was obvious he had a genuine affection for the Major, but their relationship ended there. Capt.Siler confirmed that Carter and Mckay fought like cat and dog when in the same room and their communications through the following years were frequent and unintelligible. He even saw them square off a few times, it was pure entertainment the way they could rile each other up. He'd lay good money down when he said they were good friends. A furious Carter even grabbed a Chinook to go see Mckay when Rodney got hurt in Antarctica. A really pissed off O'Neil ended up pulling some serious strings for Sam allowing Rodney unlimited satellite access to talk with her as and when he needed to. Whatever happened was deliberately hushed up and then all this happened.

Aidenn Ford hadn't even thought about that day until now, it was less than two months ago, now it felt like ten years had passed. He sat there with Teyla on a waterlogged planet listening to Mckay cry his heart out with a sombre John Shepherd holding onto him for dear life.

It was all wrong, everything had gone wrong since they first stepped through the gate. Nobody said it was ever going to be like this, military he understood, combat and hostage situations he understood, chain of command he understood, first contact he understood, but destroying their own this was new to him. This wasn't about joshing or a grudge match with another unit, this was about jokes turning into a growing meanness that had spread through the ranks of all the services until a real resentment began and people got victimized.

Mckay could hold his own against one person maybe but what if it was 10 or 20 people complaining, pushing, telling you to do better and blaming you for all the crap going down. How long before you'd start to doubt yourself and believe them. Just how long could you keep your head up and hang onto your beliefs. How long would it take to start hating yourself, and how many others were in Atlantis being slowly eaten alive. For a moment Lt. Aidenn Ford hated everything his uniform stood for, they brought more than people and equipment through the gate, they brought greed, malice, cruelty and an endless supply of human spite.

If the Wraith don't kill us first, we just might become them. It this what happens, it breaks down and we go rabid like dogs, killing our own...

We have some of the best and brightest, and off duty I treat the man like he not good enough to buy me a beer. Aiden Ford took a long hard look at himself and he didn't like the reflection, not one single bit.

Tayla made no other move to help, it was their personal battle and she could only look on. Moving her people to the mainland had been a wise decision. The terrans of earth were new and their society was trying to establish itself in the great city. Like any new settlement they needed time to adjust and each member needed to find their greatest gift in order to find their true place and value. But it was not always a smooth or peaceful process.

They sat in relative silence, Puddle Jumper had not taken off; Ford and Teyla knew things were being settled between the four of them here and now. It was more than just Rodney who had shattered in this craft. If things did not change this would be the beginning of the end for them all...not only would they all die in Atlantis the Wraith would have reign over the city and somehow that would be more terrible than they could possibly imagine. Dr. Beckett would be waiting for them at the other end once they dialled the gate codes and went through. Ford could see John making soothing noises and gently petting Mckay. Rodney had uncurled slightly and now appeared asleep with his head on Shepherd lap.

Teyla and Aidenn turned their seats around, Ford didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. Teyla simply smiled and nodded once to John Shepherd. Shepherd sighed and carried on stroking Mckay's hair. " It stops here with us ...now" "All of it." "I will not tolerate the abuse or mistreatment however small of any one person on this base, be they civilian, support or hold any rank." Now I have some serious thinking to do, and I've made one hell of a commitment to Ronni here, and god help us all, I've got to keep it." "Ford, understand me, I'm asking you as a friend, make sure he's never left alone. I won't have this happen again, we let him down. I take full responsibility, I broke his sweet little heart... and now I have to fix it."

There had been intense lovemaking and moments of tenderness between Teyla and John Shepherd before she realized that he did not love her, and she ended that part of their relationship. The hand that now slowly stoked through Rodney's short hair was gentle and infinitely careful of the sleeping figure beneath. John Shepherd had acknowledged his responsibility and share of the blame. At heart he was an old fashioned man, and somewhere the fantasy of being the hero on the white horse was still embedded in his childhood memories. In his lap a sleeping miracle ugly duck and a lost lamb all rolled into one. Someone who needed all the hugs, innocent touches and baby kisses that comfort could offer, if it was what Rodney needed ...he'd get it, all of it. No questions asked. John Shepherd owed him that and he realized he didn't really mind.

Teyla seemed to always be right the most precious and valuable possession is often the most fragile.