Cracks

by cats_bum1

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asc/cbum1/cracks.php
Summary: Major Sheppard dies

Rodney POV

You know how it is sometimes; the more you try to tell the truth the more people don't believe you. Well this is what happened to me, everything I ever wanted; I owe to a dead man, one dead man to be precise, Major John Sheppard.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm sorry the man is dead, but hey...it wasn't my fault, and I did like him I guess, gene or no gene. We are such opposites...adding to that he was a mathematical genius. Then I found out we both detested Cavanaugh, it was a good start...we could talk the same language and he was funny when he wasn't telling me what to do.

JOHN, keeping me safe, now that was a real joke. Most of the trouble we got into was because of him being charming and not thinking about the long term situation. Plus he couldn't keep his pants on for more than 5 minutes, every Goddam town or village it was someone's wife or someone's daughter.

It was all his fault anyway; I didn't start this ...he did

"Aw, come on Rodney, I know you love me" or his best line "Rodney, I'm sorry... look I'll make it up to you." John was a natural performer, the audience loved him. He always managed to look so contrite when he said it, and everyone just sucked it right up.

He always did that to me, found an audience and played up to them. Me...I was always the scientist in distress, and him the dashing, all American hero.

Real funny, ha, ha, ha. Poor Rodney can't be left alone in case something bad happens to him, you know he can't function in the real world with people.

Well thank you, Major John Sheppard, how I've managed the last 32 years without you baffles me. I mean he wasn't bullying, but he was poking fun at me, throwing me off balance all the time when there were other people around and I didn't like it one bit.

I'm a man and I don't like to look or feel ineffectual. I didn't need this type of crap, not from anyone. I have to maintain a balance... confidence that I can do this...confidence that we can get out of here alive. I need a shield between myself and everyone else just to think, speculate and make it happen. If I doubt who I am, then I'm lost, and I can't afford that.

It used to annoy the hell out of me, then one day I worked it out. When John felt stressed he moved the attention away from him to onto me. I had to admire his ingenuity; he'd worked out what made me explode and used it. So I sat myself down and started thinking about using the situation to my advantage.

So, I asked him to visit my lab on the pretext of testing some artefacts. I made coffee and asked him to lock the door, and then we talked and struck a deal. He'd get what he needed ...time to himself, personal space so to speak. John needed down time from every trip we took through the gate, so people wouldn't see the cracks. Hell, I've been there...I know what I'm talking about. Why the hell did he pull 2 stints in the Antarctic for anyway? He needed space ...and I needed reassurance and companionship without a tirade of jokes at my expense.

You see for all my distancing I still need to belong; and was considered an outsider. I just didn't really gel with anyone or any group. I was either too caustic or too disruptive. I was tolerated because I'm a genius and authority on gate technology; there's Samantha Carter and me. She has a bank of supercomputers as well as a state of the art lab. Me, I'm pulled off one project and then placed on another, sometimes all I get is a file and a bagged lunch on the plane. Mr. Happy * I don't think so*

I have feelings you know...that just don't seem to register the same way as other people. It mostly goes in, for some reason and only my temper seems to go out. I wasn't going to win any popularity polls, I'd accepted that long ago. I think too fast for most people, they can't keep up with me and I get irritated. I can only dumb things down so much, without getting a huge migraine. It's the reason why I can't hold down a relationship, unless it's with a computer.

So, if people thought the Major and I had a relationship at least it made me normal. I wasn't a geek anymore ...I was John Sheppard's significant other, bed mate, cocksucker, light relief, whatever. He could handle that and being a Don Juan at the same time, it gave us both a hell of a lot more freedom. People treated me like a flesh and blood person and John got a kick out of being the sometimes bad-boy. John was a good tactician, and planned our little charade right down to the last detail. In both our books less was more. We'd be ourselves mostly, he'd just sometimes get real up close in a conversation, steal food off my plate, ruffle my hair that sort of thing. It implied physical intimacy, that was all we needed to do. The base personnel took it from there.

As for me, well I get more time from people and a little more respect. I am Rodney Mckay, self centred egotist that nobody can stand. With John, I get to be the long-suffering on/off other half of a ballistic relationship. Not a boyfriend, not partner, not wife. Not then. Now I get to be vulnerable and hurt by people's remarks, like I could really give a rat's ass. It's what they think now and I am not going to make them think any different.

People seem to know that I am tormented daily by my failure, like I promised John on his deathbed I'd get them back home. It makes me valuable to them as a human being, another person. Military will talk to and do for me now, whereas I was just another scientist pain-in-the-ass...before John happened.

I'm Major Sheppard's partner now and will continue to be while we're stuck here in Atlantis, even though he's dead. We are together in every persons mind, even thought we buried him 3 months ago. If they let me down they let him down and disgrace themselves. Believe me, I'm on a pedestal and I know it. Even if I wanted to tell them...I know they won't believe me.

***

Hell! I've even had offers...All I have to do is lower my eyes and say "I can't" and they're eating out of my hand. Getting used to some Marine or GI hugging you half to death, is still pretty new to me. The military love me now, idiotic but true...I'm faithful to a dead man, a hero, one of their own. They take care of their own, and now I belong to them. I don't have to do diddly squat and some guy is there, ready to watch over and protect me with their life. I've never had the loyalty of people before and trust me; I don't tend to abuse it. Use it yes, but not abuse, never that.

John's more of a leader now than he ever was alive, and nothing happens without my authorisation. Now every person that steps or flies through that gate, believes I'm here waiting for them. It comforts them; I know it...sometimes I even think that I do it because I care. It's a role I'm growing into. The lie's growing, but it's a pretty lie, and we need those lies. Elizabeth doesn't even bother to turn up some days. I can see the guilt written all over her face.

John was just a lousy leader, he didn't want to be here and he wasn't given a choice, people forget that. I'm lucky that Teyla decided to stay, with her and Aidden as a couple, it highlights the fact that my John Sheppard is dead, and I'm here to pick up the pieces. Their memories of events seem to have changed too; they feel guilty over John's death. I told them it was 'luck of the draw'...Teyla even hugs me now. She thinks I'm sacrificing myself, to keep the others alive. I'm not; it's the other way round. Ford hugs me too...I don't even know why he does it, he just does.

Teyla thinks that I'm more fragile; I lost weight deliberately to keep this idea going. If people are looking at me, they aren't asking why we are making fewer gate trips. Teyla pretty much knows the score. We screwed up badly, there are no more friendly planets to trade with...we made enemies big time and there isn't a cat in hells chance of us getting back to Earth. John knew it the moment we stepped across the threshold. Elizabeth knows too...we managed to get a message back to Earth, they know all about the Wraith. Twenty five hours later, we got a one line message...'You're on your own.' So, it's not just me pretending is it?

***

Poetic isn't it, I'm sat on the stairs in the gate room waiting for Teyla and Ford to come back through the iris. Before our little arrangement the ground crew would've ignored me. Instead one man will hand me the duty roster, another give me updates, a hand will hold out a cup of sweetened coffee and someone will check my pulse, they don't even bother asking first. It just happens.

Then I'll get the speech ..."Dr. Mckay, Dr. Mckay...Sir... they'll be all right, you need to rest, I promise we'll call you as soon as they come through the gate." 'Please Dr. Mckay, you have to think of your health...Major Sheppard wouldn't want to see you like this. Trust me...we're on it.'

I'll shake my head and say, "I'll just give them 5 minutes more." It makes them feel guilty as hell; I know it and I use it. I need to keep them on their feet...it's nothing personal; John wants this too. I learned a lot from him, I just didn't know it at the time.

Today, well today...after 5 minutes there's a cup of coffee placed next to me, not much later a fruit bar then a sandwich, then more coffee. In a few minutes Elizabeth will join me or Carson even Stackhouse will sit with me some mornings. I almost laughed, Stackhouse offered to sleep with me, if I needed to be with someone...just to sleep with. He promised he'd never touch me like that...like a lover; all I have to do is say the word. I've seen him gut a man without blinking, so I know he means this.

Six months ago, I'd have punched him in the mouth for even thinking I was gay. Today it's what links me to every man and woman on this base...keeps us from falling apart. Not my genius or wit, it's my frailties and vulnerability that keeps us together. My humanity...that's what they see.

So today ...I say 'Thank you' to Stackhouse, and I know he feels good about himself. I've become a sort of talisman for Atlantis, as long as I'm here there's still hope. Show's you how much standards have fallen. They've convinced themselves that I'm working myself to death...far from it. I'm more pampered than a newborn. People see what they want to see...that's spin and John knew about spin.

They're all showing cracks now, Elizabeth was never meant to handle this much pressure. She's strong and charismatic but she's not military, it's not in her nature to send people out knowing they could die. She's an ambassador and a diplomat...not a general. In this galaxy we're close to the bottom of the food chain, how do you get passed that with a smile, a peace agreement and a bag of Hershey bars.

I'm doing this as much for the base as for myself, true I enjoy the attention but they need to see grief and feel hope. They need to feel needed and to me every loss here is an unacceptable loss. No one here will be left or forgotten. I'm doing them a service in a way. I'm showing them all the cracks, so they can heal themselves. They have to see that everyone matters here. Everyone. The few who know we've been abandoned, keep their mouths closed and pray, I think.

Carson's kindness itself, but then he always has been. He'll never recover from what Elizabeth made him do. He's forgiven her and John, but he'll never trust her judgement again. That goes for all the science and medical staff too. That left me to patch up everything, keep everyone together, not at each others throats.

He knows John and I never...lay together. I told him we never made it passed 3rd base. John wanted to take things slow, make it special for me. He knew I'd never been with a man. There were two nurses outside the cubicle when I took Carson into my confidence, I'd planned on that. The whole base would know that I was still ...intact.

It sounded sweeter and sadder like that. It made John seem more thoughtful and caring, more handsome and prepared for commitment...even here in the Pegasus galaxy. He was planning and looking forward, not back. I was the link between the groups that no-one would care to challenge. I wasn't just 'Mr. Self Interest' any more. I was Rodney Mckay, whose boyfriend had just died.

Not much gets passed Carson. He knows what I'm doing and why, he doesn't agree with me but he understands and keeps his mouth shut.

You know I'd give anything to talk with John right now, just one jibe, one raised eyebrow...anything. I miss my co-conspirator in all this.

***

It was an infection that killed him, not a fire fight with the Wraith. He was admitted to the med-bay with a slight fever, I stayed there that night sitting by his bedside, talking like we normally do. He told me, he'd finally found his peace...just before he fell asleep. Only he didn't wake up. Carson pronounced him dead less than 24 hours after admitting him.

For some reason, he decided to sedate me. I didn't have the heart to tell Carson that I didn't feel a thing. John Sheppard was a dead man walking; he should have died with his friends in Afghanistan. It's what he'd prepared himself for, and he couldn't get passed that. He told me he felt hollow most of the time, people just didn't seem to notice. That's what cemented our friendship I suppose, I could see him and he didn't have to pretend. No great pressure, no expectations, just a kind of peace for him.

Elizabeth Weir gave John's eulogy...it was pretty. She said I gave him peace...and that he loved me with every fibre of his being for it. He'd told her that, I'm not even sure why he felt he needed to. We'd pretty much covered all the bases, according to the grape vine we were a couple. That's when it hit me.

This is was what real love is, an unquestionable trust, faith and acceptance of the person you are with. I had that from John, and I returned that trust; I just didn't know what it spelled out.

It was an open coffin, I'd planned to do this as the closing statement, the grand flourish so to speak. The simple kiss to the forehead never happened. I leaned over the coffin and kissed him on the mouth. Our first kiss. He was taking the air from my lungs with him, and I didn't want to let him go.

They folded the American flag and gave it to me, as his next of kin. He'd put my name on the paper, next of kin...Dr. Rodney Mckay. I just stood there, I've frozen before...I understood loss from an objective point of view. Almost everything in my life boils down to concepts and equations. The human element seemed to bypass me. He hid these things from me, everything he possessed he'd left to me. Partner / Spouse / Dependant on the common contract...even his air force pension. I thought he'd been joking when he said he'd finalize the paperwork with Stackhouse, and then I'd belong to the air force too. It was another way for him to snub his nose at the man. Jack O'Neill to be precise, the man who sent him here. He has no idea, just how insane O'Neill really is. O'Neill had no idea what he was condemning John Sheppard to. That's a score I intend to settle.

***

John Sheppard loved me...because it was safe to love me. I accepted him, he accepted me...no pretences, no masks, no posturing. He wanted sex, he could get that anywhere on the base. He must have known, he just didn't tell me that I loved him. It never occurred to me that our arrangement included love.

Carson told me that I have no conscience, but if there is a soul, and I possess one, it must be beautiful.

So I do this, every day...because I love him. I lie, I put on an act, I manipulate people's feelings to keep them alive...and every day I try to find a way to get us back home.

Fin