John's Journal 4

Skin

by Cynical_Coat

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asc/ccoat/jjournal04.php
Summary: John writes in his journal as any wounded romantic does, without reserve

I don't much like this skin I'm in.

This person I've become.

This person so detached from his own life that he's actually convinced himself that he thrives on loneliness.

This person who...

I live inside a shell.

A suit of armor.

I'm-- I'm--

In-vulne-rable.

Huh... right.

His force shield has nothing on me.

On my skin...

I just had to think of him on my skin, didn't I?

...

This isn't working. This ignoring him and hoping he goes away... He's everywhere I am.

And I don't just mean on missions.

I walk into the commisary, and there he is.

Not surprising in itself, I realize... until I notice he's not eating.

He's just waiting.

For me.

He's just watching...

Me.

So, I've slipped over the proverbial edge into full-blown paranoid dementia.

... full-blown...

Had to think of it like that, didn't I?

...

To be perfectly honest, I almost had myself convinced that I was only interested in him because I was horny.

In case you didn't catch it, that's not true....

But stupid Sheppard had to go and find out the hard way. As always.

Thinking about him, seeing him from a distance, even writing about him right now... get's me hard without even trying...

And I can't get it up for anyone else...

Thanks to the fact that I'm particularly dense, there are two Athosian women, one rather confused Athosian man, three marines, and a doctor whose name I can't remember who all think I have some kind of... dysfunction...

If they only knew, huh?

And, just to really drive home what an idiot I am....

I'm avoiding him...

I haven't left my quarters for two days, thanks to this bit of down- time... Missions cancelled on account of rain.

It's not working...

For someone so stupid, I really have quite the overactive imagination. And in my minds eye, the only words in his vocabulary are 'John', 'more', 'faster', and 'please'...

...

Maybe tomorrow I'll show Ford how to play table football...

Anything to get out of this room and away from my own guilty thoughts...

***

Carson made a mental note to find some way to get Rodney to where ever Sheppard ended up... He had obviously started to notice John's behavior. It wasn't doing either of them any good to avoid each other...

Carson smiled, wondering if he could just forget about it and mind his own business.

No, he decided... that wasn't an option now...

Like it or not, he was the Alantis Base's matchmaker... and he definately had his work cut out for him...

It didn't occur to him that he was self-appointed...

~fin~

Next: Release