The Mirror Of Emotions 2

This Angry Nothing

by Cynical_Coat

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asc/ccoat/mirror02.php
Summary: A disagreement escalates and Rodney is shocked to discover that he's more than a match for John when it comes to hand to... hand... ri~ight

Rodney winced, more from the unmitigated fury on Weir's face as she strode into the infirmary than from whatever it was that Carson was dabbing around his swollen eye.

Sheppard, on the other hand, grinned at her, all puffy lips and bruised ego.

"Elizabeth! You're just in time for the post-fight blow-by-blow!" He said cheerfully.

She launched into her tirade as though he hadn't even cracked a smile, let alone a joke.

"Do you realize what it does to moral, not to mention my tenuous authority, when two of the highest ranking members of this expedition get into a-- a fistfight?" She looked at them both significantly before turning the full force of her anger on John. "And you! Major, you could have seriously injured Dr. McKay!--"

Finally, that grin dissolved into anger and indignation.

"Now hold on there... I could have hurt him? As if you can't tell just by looking at us... I lost." It seemed to take a lot out of him to admit that, even having compared their injuries and the fact that he had spent the majority of the fight on his back--

A completely unprovoked image of Sheppard tied to Rodney's bed flashed in his mind and he gasped, choking on good old fashioned air and embarrassment.

"And-- and--" He stuttered, trying to think of anything else, anything to keep that image at bay, to keep it from expanding. "I threw the first punch, anyway." He blurted finally. All of them (excluding John, who was peering down at his hands with some interest) stared at him, Carson's mouth actually agape. Teyla was the first to recover.

"You... attacked Major Sheppard?"

McKay sat up straighter.

"Yes... why is that so hard to believe?"

Carson glanced at Weir and said gently.

"No offense, Rodney... but you aren't exactly in your prime..."

Rodney, of course, took offense.

"And you are? Define 'prime'." He didn't realize that he'd gotten to his feet until John was holding him back.

"Easy, McKay, easy..." He murmured. "It's that... thing. It's still doing... whatever it does."

Weir looked at them both, perplexed by this sudden kinship so soon after their brawl.

-she doesn't know the half of it...-

"What 'thing', Rodney?"

He sat back down and took a deep breath, feeling an acute sense of loss when Sheppard released his shoulder.

-or is that obtuse?-

"There's an artifact in my lab that seems to amplify emotions... maybe even create them." He added quickly. For Sheppard's benefit.

Right.

"It obviously explains how our confrontation escalated so rapidly."

Weir nodded and then tilted her head to the side thoughtfully.

"Alright... I buy that. But why weren't the rest of us effected?"

Rodney thought for a second.

"It may only work up to a certain distance..."

"It just made you jump at Dr. Beckett." She pointed out and Rodney gave his friend a wincing smile, thinking harder. He suddenly hit his fist into his palm.

"Both Major Sheppard and I were in contact with the device when he activated it."

"Or," Carson began. "You were closest to it when it was activated, and it just hasn't manifested in the rest of us yet."

"Oh, fine... if you feel the sudden urge to mangle one of your lab assistants, be sure to let me know... Until then, I think my theory is a little more likely." He could feel his snark level's rising, and it seemed like there was nothing he could do about it.

No one else seemed to notice this time.

-because I'm always like this...- He thought dismally.

-because it's what they expect of me-

-all they expect-

"Until we know for sure, we have to assume that everyone is at risk." Rodney opened his mouth, but Weir cut him off. "Everyone, Rodney. Everyone is to be confined to quarters until we figure something out." She gave them a pointed look. "I mean it... the last thing we need is to be doing the Wraith's work for them. Teyla," She said, turning abruptly. "I'll need you to explain this to the Athosians..." Teyla nodded and the two of them left, already deep in conversation. Carson gave his patients a quick once over and then shooed them out into the hall with a good natured warning about lover's spats that set Rodney's teeth on edge. Without hesitation he started toward his quarters. He was only half surprised to find Sheppard trailing right behind him.

Again.

"Major, what do you think you're doing? I'm pretty sure what Elizabeth said counts as a direct order..." He said without stopping, and became fully surprised when

Sheppard grabbed his wrist and began pulling him back in the direction of his lab. He could have dug his in his heels and laid back his ears, could have wrenched his hand away, but he felt drawn...

-back to that thing-

-and to him-

"Look, McKay, we aren't going to solve anything if we act like good little boys and go to our rooms... We have to turn it off." There was a frantic light in his eyes. Almost desperate.

-oh...- Rodney thought. -of course... of course he doesn't want to feel like this. Not with me anyway.- He laughed, a quiet, mirthless rush of air. -of course he can't wait to be himself again. To pretend this never happened...-

It was absurd how much that hurt.

He'd forgotten that anything could... Even with Samantha, he'd understood. She'd been so obviously in love with O'Neill that he'd known he hadn't stood a chance. But John was another story... There had been times before this disaster when he had thought--

But no, he must have been wrong.

Sheppard thought the door open from half way down the hall and dragged Rodney inside without stopping. He could feel the difference as soon as he crossed the threshold and again there was nothing he could do to stop it. He yanked his hand out of Sheppard's grasp even as the door slid shut and lunged forward, grabbing his collar and spinning him around.

"How dare you?" He growled, slamming Sheppard's back into the wall. Sheppard's eyes were wide and wild.

"Rodney?!"

Even in his anger he felt a thrill.

Rodney. Not McKay. Rodney.

"Rodney... you have to fight it. We have to turn it off."

But Rodney didn't want it off. Because without it doing 'this' -- what ever 'this' was -- he'd lose the only chance he was ever likely to get to--

-to what?- A little voice whispered in his head. -if he doesn't want you, all you can do is drive him further away... then you won't even have him as a friend...-

-you won't have him at all-

-I don't have him at all!- He screamed back at that voice and shut it out. He gripped Sheppard's collar tighter and slammed him against the wall again, thrusting his hips deep into his groin.

"Why won't you fight back? Afraid you'll lose again?" He scowled, hating himself, hating John, hating every thing that had lead him to this point. Hating this senseless anger, hating loving someone who obviously didn't care how he felt.

"You know that's not it, Rodney." John said quietly, and Rodney hated his control. Hated that he was so much stronger, so much more capable. "I hope you know that..."

Rodney was too far gone into the clutches of the device to hear what he was really saying.

"What then? Are you trying to tell me you're not angry? Come on, getting beat by the science geek?" He gave a quick bark of a laugh, and then suddenly he was kissing John. One second he wasn't and then he just... was. There was nothing tender in that kiss, nothing loving, nothing sane. Only brutal domination and rage and pain. But worse than that... there was no reciprocation. No return, no response at all from John.

-not like last time...-

-last time he wanted it as much as I did-

-what happened?-

But Rodney knew. He knew, and it only served to redouble his fury.

Sheppard had had time to bend his considerable military mind around the implications and ramifications of this whole situation. He was far from stupid, regardless of what he wanted others to think, and it was so obvious.

Even if he had wanted this, it's not like he could afford to indulge...

The taste of bitter, unshed tears mingled with the intoxicating flavor of Sheppard's mouth, making him sick and hungry all at once. He thought of pulling back, of just bolting, but he couldn't, he was far past the time when he could have done that. If there had even been such a time. He pressed himself tighter to John's body, wanting him to tense, to struggle... wanting him. Wanting him, but holding back, because he still, foolishly, wanted all of him. Wanted more. More than this angry nothing...

Finally-- finally-- Sheppard moved. And again, surprised Rodney completely.

He turned his head to the side, sliding his jaw against Rodney's cheek and nestling into his neck. With gentle slowness, he wrapped his arms around Rodney's waist and simply held him there. After a long moment of silence, he murmured into Rodney's shoulder.

"You still don't understand, do you? Genius McKay still doesn't get it..." He laughed quietly, his whole body shaking. Rodney felt his anger starting to fade and made a desperate grab for it, trying to hold it to him. He failed, and as it drained away, so did his frantic strength. He sagged against John's chest.

"What?"

John pushed him away slightly, looking into his eyes.

"We have to shut it off... because I need to know if this is real. If what you feel for me is real... or if it's just that thing."

Rodney furrowed his brow, having still not fully arrived at understanding.

"And what about you?"

"What about me what?"

"How can you know your feelings are real?"

John smiled at him, not his usual grin, but the smile reserved just for Rodney when ever he woke up disoriented in the infirmary. John's real smile.

"Trust me on that one, Rodney... You'll know soon."

Without another word, he pushed away from the wall, steering them both over to the table where he had been working earlier. It seemed a life-time ago, though it had really only been less than two hours since the whole ordeal began. The artifact was pulsing a lazy rose color as John gently took Rodney's hand and guided it to the glassy surface. It flared a dazzling rainbow of brilliant colors and then faded completely. They stared at it in silence and Rodney took a deep breath.

"Is it off?"

"I think so... the whole glowing thing really gives it away..."

Rodney frowned.

"It wasn't glowing at the beginning..."

John rolled his eyes.

"It's off, alright? How do you feel?"

"Dizzy and kind of sick... but the overwhelming rage and hate is gone..." He tried to say it lightly... He had to give John credit for not letting on how badly he failed.

"And?"

-Yeah... and?-

He pulled away, wrapping his arms around himself.

"The same..." He said shortly, searching for his snark and coming up strangely empty. "You?" That word seemed to lacerate the lining of his throat, but he forced it out anyway. John ducked his head and then leaned close, brushing his lips against Rodney's with an almost exaggerated tenderness. Had it been anyone else, Rodney would have been sure he was being mocked.

But this...

It was different. Different than everything he had to go on.

His parents, if they had ever really loved each other, had never acted like this around him, and he hadn't exactly been considered an Adonis at school, even with the 'intellectual' girls.

This was the kind of feeling reserved for movies and talk shows, not real life.

This wasn't 'like'.

This was even really lust. Or at least not only lust.

It was so much deeper than the shallow surface emotions he normally limited himself to that he felt like he might drown. A not wholly unwelcome prospect at the moment.

John embraced him again, whispering into his neck.

"Rodney... I think I'm falling in love with you... I don't know if I'm quite there yet, but I think I have been ever since you walked into that fog and nearly died. That's when I realized how lost I'd be without you there to ground me." He sighed. "I don't want to be wrong about this."

Rodney snapped out of his paralysis and slowly, awkwardly put his own arms around John's waist.

"Me neither... But--" An arrow of hot agony lanced through his stomach. "But we can't. You know the rules better than I do, but I know we can't... do anything."

John pulled back, still smiling.

"Say's who?"

"Um, the US Airforce?"

John considered that for a moment and then nodded.

"They can court-martial my ass for all I care--"

"John! I can't let you--"

"After," John interjected, "We get back to Earth." His smile became a full out grin that Rodney mirrored after a moment.

"You're sure about this?" The nagging self-doubt that he had carried all his life wouldn't quite let go.

"Hey, as the great Colonel Jack O'Neill would say 'In for a penny, in for a pound'... and I'm not gonna make the same mistake he made."

Rodney tilted his head.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not going to spend the best years of my life denying myself happiness because a bunch of morons made a couple of stupid rules. Especially if those morons happen to be in another galaxy."

"So... what? Do we tell anyone?"

John shrugged.

"It'd be a good idea to give Weir a head's up... as for everyone else, they'll figure it out. No need to flaunt it, but we won't hide, either. I've seen how that ends up." He narrowed his eyes, looking suddenly very vulnerable. "It's nowhere we want to be..."

-who hurt you, John? Who made you feel like this? So hurt and scared and unsure?- He wanted to ask, but he couldn't quite bring himself to. Not yet.

Instead he pulled away.

"We have to tell the other's that the device is off... then we should talk to Elizabeth..." He smiled. "About us..."

-us...-

*Us*.

There hadn't been an 'us' that included Rodney, romantically at least, since...

Since Deidre.

Damn it... it had been months since he'd really thought of her... now wasn't the time...

John grabbed his shoulders as he swayed suddenly.

"Fine, we'll go talk to Weir now..." It took Rodney a second to figure out what he was talking about. "Then it's food and rest, for you... It's been a hell of a day."

Pushing thoughts of failures years gone out of his mind, he smiled.

"You can say that again..."

"Rodney," John said, leaning in close and kissing him again. "It's been a hell of a day."

Next: Rainy Days, Mondays