The Mirror Of Emotions 6

Through A Glass Darkly

by Cynical_Coat

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asc/ccoat/mirror06.php
Summary: The epic that began with a challenge, ends with one as well... It fulfills the 'John bottoms and it effects the city somehow' challenge kinda... not sure who issued the challenge, but here you go regardless... Enjoy

Rodney was heading back to his quarters from the infirmary, wondering worriedly what Weir had to say to John... alone. Nothing good, he was sure of that. Most likely ordering him to break off their relationship, in light of their recent hostage situation... At least no one had died this time.

-there's a comforting thought...-

Lost in dejected musings, he almost collided with Stackhouse when he and Bates appeared in front of him, partially blocking the hall so that he would have to physically push them aside to get by.

"Whatever it is, Gentlemen, it'll have to wait... Now's not a good time."

"Actually, McKay," Bates said, his face unreadable. "I think now is the best time. The only time really."

***

John was just leaving Elizabeth's office, heading back to his quarters for a shower before grabbing Rodney to go get a bite to eat. He had been relieved that she hadn't blamed them for what happened, though she was rightfully angry about his actions. At least she hadn't been rash and tried to order him to break it off. In truth, he'd known all along that she would never do that, though he may have had his doubts. Thinking about it, he decided to swing by Rodney's room and lay his mind at ease. If John had been vaguely worried, chances were Rodney was on the verge of a panic attack.

Rodney wasn't in his room when John got there, so he decided to continue his hunt over in the labs.

-home away from home-

Rodney wasn't there either. As he turned to leave, thinking of checking the infirmary or the commissary next, he found his path blocked by doctors Kavanaugh, Grodin and Zelenka. The way they were looking at him made him feel slightly uneasy, but he figured they just needed him to light up their latest toy.

"Hi guys... whatever you need'll have to wait... Have any of you seen Rodney?"

"Actually, Major..." Kavanaugh said, looking oddly protective. "That's exactly what we wanted to talk to you about." The other two nodded gravely... it wasn't like them to agree with Kavanaugh. John felt his stomach clench along with his chest, which felt like it was trying to slow his suddenly rampaging heart by sheer compression.

"I'm listening..." He said, keeping his outward composure by virtue of constant practice.

"It's about you and Rodney." Grodin said quietly, still standing behind Kavanaugh.

"What about us?" He asked, on edge and hoping he wasn't about to hear what he thought he was about to hear.

Kavanaugh glanced at the other two and then crossed his arms.

"I may not get along with McKay... but we need him."

***

"And you can't have him if he's with me?" Rodney asked, though he knew the answer. He had been waiting for this.

"As much as Weir likes to point out that she's in charge, Major Sheppard is our leader. We need him... all of him. We can't afford to have him distracted."

Rodney nodded, wrapping his arms around himself protectively.

"And I'm a distraction?"

"Of course." Bates said. If Rodney had been focusing on anything other than his own breaking heart, he might have noticed that the man looked nervous. "If-- no, when we get attacked, by the Wraith or anyone else, we need him to able to make any decision necessary."

"And the two of us being together would stop that?" Even though he knew this was just the logical progression of events, some stubborn part of his brain wouldn't give up.

"Your last mission proves that... Major Sheppard could have been killed."

***

"McKay could have died, and then where would we be?"

"He could die on any mission." John said defensively. "Or in a lab accident here, for that matter." He shivered slightly at the thought.

"But the chance is even greater if the two of you let your relationship cloud your judgement... The most logical solution is to end it now, while you still have the chance."

***

Rodney couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"So you're telling me I should break up with John for the good of Atlantis?"

They exchanged a glance that he didn't care for at all, before turning determined eyes back toward him.

"No... we're telling you that Major Sheppard is breaking up with you... for the good of Atlantis."

Rodney stopped breathing. No skipped heart beats or anything like that... his breath just stopped. It took him a second to get it started up again, ragged and painful as it was.

He had known... but it still caught him by surprise. He had allowed himself to think that John was different. That it really did mean something to him. But that was as much a lie as it had always been. He jumped slightly when Bates patted his shoulder awkwardly.

"Sorry, Dr. McKay... He wanted to tell you himself, but he thought it would be better this way."

Rodney nodded curtly.

"Right... thank you. I have some work to do, so unless there's anything else--?" He barely waited for them to shake their heads before he bolted as sedately as he could manage, heading straight for his room, unfamiliar tears stinging his eyes.

***

"What?"

Even Kavanaugh flinched back from his vehemence, raising his hands defensively.

-no wonder there's three of them... probably afraid I'd shoot the messenger.-

As it was, he was glad that he didn't have a gun on him.

"He didn't think he'd be able to tell you in person... said he knew it was necessary, but that didn't mean that he liked it." Grodin said suddenly, sounding choked and not so much frightened as guilty. John deflated, sadness and loneliness filling in as his rage faded.

"That does sound like him, doesn't it?..." He shook his head, turning toward the door. He looked over his shoulder before he left. "Sorry I snapped like that... You were only doing what he asked. Thanks." He was gone before the guilt in even Kavanaugh's eyes could really register.

***

Half-way to his room, Rodney spotted John storming across the hall and froze, not nearly ready for the confrontation they were bound to have. The rage in every line of John's lithe form baffled him. Being the 'dump-ee' instead of the 'dump-er', he would have thought that he reserved the right to be angry about this situation. What reason
did John have? He'd decided to be the good soldier once again, but in the end it was his choice... he had no right to be angry.

Against his own better judgement, and because he had owned more than one cat that had been murdered by curiosity, Rodney followed him as stealthily as he could. His overall sneakiness had improved thanks to the man he was currently stalking through the city... but it was a bitter memory now, silly as it had seemed at the time for them to play a glorified game of hide and seek. And that had even been before this whole disaster...

He followed, pretending that he was doing anything but... not that John even noticed, wrapped up as he was in his senseless, unfathomable anger.

Rodney followed, and wished he hadn't...

***

Cool and calm as he had tried to appear in company, John was livid. He could understand the argument, could even understand that Rodney hadn't wanted to tell him in person... but that didn't mean he was just going to sit by and let it happen like this. If Rodney wanted to end it, he could respect that... if *Rodney* told him. No matter
how much it might hurt him, he knew when to let go. He had proved that over and over... he knew when to let go, just not when to give up.

But there was no question of finding Rodney while he was this worked up. He had to cool down first, get his shit together, and then get a straight answer out of Rodney.

What he needed to do, he thought as he strode away from the lab, was to get outside, out in the air and the light and the sound of the sea... That was the only way he was going to get a handle on this.

Wrapped up as he was in his own crumbling disbelief and burgeoning despair, he never noticed Rodney trailing him... not even when it was too late.

***

John was only out of sight for a moment as he disappeared through the door to the balcony and Rodney searched for a window looking out on the sun drenched expanse. Only a second, but when he looked out what he saw ground the fragments of his heart to dust.

Because John wasn't alone and he wasn't playing fair...

Because Rodney was in elementary school, high school, grad school all over again, and his heart was broken beyond repair because someone else had once again ignored the unwritten rules.

The young Athosian woman pulled back slowly, looking dazed, and then met John's lips again, only to be pushed firmly but gently away... but Rodney didn't see.

Because he was already halfway back to where he'd started, running full tilt and not even breathing heavy... there was no way he could pant and hold back the sob building in his chest. So he ran and saved the tears... escape was more important than anything else... once he was *away*, he could wrap his mind around what he had seen and have a proper breakdown.

He didn't know that *away* was the Infirmary until the door slid open and he flew inside, his chest and throat burning, Carson frowning at him worriedly.

"Rodney? What's the matter?"

"John--" Rodney gasped, and Carson became more actively focused.

"What's happened to the Major?"

Rodney shook his head, even as his vision began to narrow from lack of oxygen and the fringes of shock.

"An Athosian girl--" He said, fighting for breath, and Carson became even more concerned as his mind supplied answers that were far more catastrophic than the truth. He braced Rodney with an arm around his shoulders and moved him to a cot.

"What's wrong with her, then?"

Rodney looked at him almost calmly.

"John kissed her." He said bluntly and passed out.

***

"Why should I feel guilty?" John asked himself out loud as he drifted back toward the Infirmary in search of Rodney. "I didn't ask her to kiss me..." That was true, he hadn't asked, and she hadn't offered any explanation... but he hadn't stopped her or asked either...

And Rodney had supposedly broken up with him, so why should he feel guilty?

"No dice..." He muttered when simply pointing out the illogic didn't make the equation fall to pieces. He felt guilty because regardless of Rodney's seeming change of heart, John was still in love with him, and kissing random women didn't really fit, no matter how crazy the formula.

Hoping that Carson could point him in the right direction, he entered the Infirmary, blinked in utter surprise, turned on his heel and left without a word.

***

Rodney came to pretty quickly, and for a blissful moment he thought it had all been a dream. That didn't last long.

"Rodney? Can you hear me?" Carson flashed a pen light in his eyes, frowning. "You ran in all out of breath and spouted some nonsense about Major Sheppard--"

"He kissed her..." Rodney groaned and pressed the heels on his hands to his eyes. "He broke up with me, and then he was kissing her... I bet he doesn't even know her name." He dropped his hands to his chest suddenly, looking horrified. "No, I'll bet he's been with her the whole time we were together... I should have seen it sooner."

Carson put a hand on his shoulder.

"Slow down, man... What's all this about John breaking up with you?"

"After my check up... he... they--" Rodney wiped at the tears that slipped from his eyes, looking disgusted at himself. Carson pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to him. Rodney frowned up at him to see if he was being mocked and then took it with less than perfect grace, sitting up and fighting the tears even as he resigned himself to the fact that they would fall no matter what he did. "And then he ran off to one of the balconies and I saw him kissing... *her*." He met Carson's eyes, and the sadness he found there was profound and unsettling... as was the heat in his shattered cardiac muscle when Carson wrapped his arms gently around Rodney's shoulders and murmured into his hair. It wasn't something he would normally allow, and not something that Carson would normally do... but they had grown close since coming to Atlantis. Without thinking, his mind still clouded by his feelings of abandonment, Rodney turned his face upward and kissed Carson.

It was then that John made his strategic retreat, so he missed Carson pulling away and frowning at Rodney.

"I understand you're hurting, Rodney..."

Rodney blushed and waved his hands almost frantically.

"That's no excuse. I shouldn't have-- done that."

"It's a natural reaction..."

"Oh, because you're just that irresistible?" Rodney said, trying desperately to recover.

"I meant because of your loss."

"Ah... Right." Rodney got to his feet, ignoring the headache that was pulsing behind his eyes. "I should probably go... get some rest, or something."

"That'd probably be for the best." Carson agreed, smiling with only a trace of awkwardness.

"And, ah... we can just pretend this didn't happen, right?"

Carson clapped him on the shoulder and winked, sadness still lurking beneath the surface.

"I have no idea what you're even referring to, Rodney... Go, sleep... and if you need to talk later, you know where to find me."

"Thanks, Carson..."

***

((Several hours later...))

Rodney woke to a single heavy rap on his door. He was up and moving to open it before he was fully awake, and before he thought of opening it mentally.

"One second... I was--" He yawned heavily, still tired despite his nap, surprised that he had managed to sleep at all, the way both his mind and stomach were roiling. "-- asleep..."

Rodney froze in his doorway, staring directly into John's ragged hazel eyes. Staring into the mirror of his own despair.

"John--" He choked out before Sheppard stepped around him into the darkened room without a word. He turned away from the door, letting it slide shut, plunging them into inky blackness. He didn't know what to say... in truth, he didn't even know why John was in his room at all. There was a long tense silence before John's vague form, outlined in moonlight that filtered in from the balcony, turned toward him.

"Why, Rodney? That's all I want to know... and I have to hear it from you. If it's over, I can accept that... but why does it have to be?"

Rodney stared at him, mouth slightly agape, wondering what John had been drinking, or if this was some unspeakably cruel joke.

"Why are you asking me?" He shot back, anger flooding his usually brilliant mind, blocking his logic centers with rage. "I seem to remember you being the one who sent your subordinates to break up with me." He snorted. "For the good of the city, no less."

Another moment of silence, stunned this time, before John spat,

"What? What the hell are you talking about? You broke up with me!"

"Why the hell would I do that, you moron?"

"For the good of Atlantis it would seem..." John shook his head. "Grodin, Kavanaugh, and Zelenka... they said..."

"Stackhouse and Bates." Rodney interrupted. "No wonder they seemed so edgy."

"Yeah... I thought they were scared of me." He crossed his arms. "We were set up."

"But why? Why would they want to break us up?"

"Exactly the reasons they gave, Rodney... They think that there being an 'us' is a security risk."

Rodney frowned and licked his lips.

"Well?"

"You didn't break up with me?"

"No."

"Then I'm not letting you get away even if you beg." There was an air of smirk about his shadowed features. Rodney's frown deepened and he tilted his head to the side.

"You really thought I...?" He was having trouble reconciling the fact that John thought him capable of such an act.

"So did you." John pointed out, trying to dredge up some humor in this situation.

"I'm going to kill them!"

"I think it's best if we let Weir deal with it... this time... Though the next time I see Kavanaugh, I might have to *accidentally* push him down the stairs..."

"I'll help..."

"Rodney... you know I love you right?"

"Now I do... and--" He took a deep breath. "I... I love you too, John." He smiled, looking more than a little apprehensive."And... I've been thinking... about what you said about... about teaching...?" Rodney blushed and started to move away even as he said it, but John caught him in a tight embrace, pulling him down onto the bed, smiling and kissing him gently.

"Have you now?" John said, laughing in sheer relief. "Just now? Or... before?" He said it lightly, but he knew it was the wrong thing to say when Rodney went still in his arms.

"John, I'm sorry... I--" He stuttered out suddenly. "Carson's my friend... I didn't know where else to go, and you-- I thought you...--"

"Shhh... I know. I saw you." John said sadly, thinking of how his heart had broken... if only he had known that Rodney had felt the same.

"You saw? And... you aren't mad?"

"I was. Before. But I understand now. A broken heart will make you do all kinds of crazy things."

"Like kiss an Athosian girl?" Rodney sounded bitter and angry at the memory, but at the same time it was evident that he had already forgiven John.

"*You* saw?"

"Why do you think I went to Carson?"

"He's your friend and you didn't know where else to go?" He smiled into Rodney's hair, thinking to himself that they really did sound like an old married couple. "Anyway, beyond a few reprimands and a huge apology to Carson... can we just put this behind us? There are some more important things I'd like to attend to."

"Such as?" Rodney said, still sounding dejected and upset.

"Such as teaching the guy who knows pretty much everything about everything a thing or two." He smoothed Rodney's hair and kissed his head as Rodney finally relaxed, trembling slightly.

"You meant it... You meant it." Rodney muttered over and over into his neck. It took John a moment to realize he was crying. John squirmed around for a second until he could look into Rodney's reddened eyes.

"Meant what? That I love you? Of course I meant--" Rodney was shaking his head, choking the tears back far enough to whisper,

"No, John... that you want me. Even knowing me..."

"*Especially* knowing you, Rodney. You're the only one with the balls to call me on shit, the only one who'll stand there and tell me exactly why my plan won't work, and then do your damnedest to fix it. It's really amazing to me that no one else snagged you."

"Yeah right..." Rodney said without conviction.

"I mean, sure, you're uptight and bossy, you whine and complain and snap at anyone who gets in range... but you're also one of the bravest, most capable people I've ever met. And really, who could resist that ass?" He grabbed said piece of anatomy to illustrate his meaning, pulling Rodney more comfortably against his body.

"At least I have one..."

"Way to take a compliment and make it an insult, Rodney."

Rodney smiled.

"I like your non-ass... but I'm kind of more interested in your front." He wiggled his hips and John had to bite his lip to stop the moan that tried to erupt from his throat. Seeing the expression on Rodney's face, he released it into Rodney's keeping, moaning deeply into his mouth as he kissed him. Rodney pulled away after a moment
and John frowned at him worriedly.

"Rodney--"

"I want this, John..." Rodney said with a reassuring smile, tracing John's jaw with his fingertips. "Just show me what do to... the last time, I, ah, wasn't exactly in control of my own, ah, bodily processes..."

Anger flared up in John's mind. Not so much at the fact that he wasn't Rodney's first, but that the guy who had been was some nameless, faceless one night stand, a drunken smudge in Rodney's past. That, more than anything else, made up his mind. He pulled away long enough to kick off his shoes, motioning for Rodney to do the same, and then moved into the middle of the bed. He pulled Rodney after him, settling him on his chest, inwardly amazed by how well he fit there, how right holding him felt. John sighed and Rodney blushed.

"What?" John asked, smiling. "You really that shy?"

Rodney leaned in and kissed him, proving exactly how shy he wasn't. John slid his hands up under Rodney's shirt and then pulled it up over his head, his own following it to the floor in seconds. The pants were a little trickier, as neither of them wanted to move away from the other long enough to really get them off. John laughed at the angry little growl Rodney gave when John finally pushed him away and finished pulling off his clothes. He laid back against Rodney's pillows and just let his eyes wander over Rodney's bare skin, savoring the moment.

"God, you're beautiful..."

"Don't be ridiculous. 'God' is just a figment of the faith starved, intellectually challenged masses... and there's no way *I'm*
beautiful. Not compared to you."

John let his hands roam over Rodney's chest, smiling up at him sadly.

"Beautiful..."

"If you say so..."

"I do." John replied and pulled his knees up so that Rodney was kneeling between his legs. "I'll prove it."

It took a moment for that to sink in, and when it did, Rodney's eyes went wide and his mouth actually sagged open.

"You want me to...?" He made an unspeakably crude gesture with his hands and blushed again. "I've never--"

"I find that the best way to learn is by doing." John said, leaning over the edge of the bed awkwardly and fishing in one of his pants pockets, coming up with a tube of lubricant. "One thing I did learn from the military... always be prepared for the worst," He winked at Rodney. "And you'll always be pleasantly surprised..." He pulled Rodney into another kiss, stroking his cock slowly until Rodney growled again. "Love it when you do that..." Rodney's only answer was to growl once more. John squeezed some of the lube onto his own fingers, slowly spreading it over Rodney's, before guiding Rodney's hand to his entrance. Rodney hesitated.

"I don't want to hurt you."

John pressed Rodney's fingers more tightly against himself in response, looking pointedly at his throbbing cock.

"Do I look hurt?"

Rodney laughed nervously and licked his lips. He furrowed his brow, getting that sexy concentrated look that so turned John on, and then suddenly two of his fingers were sliding in and in and in. John gasped and kissed Rodney's worried frown away when he paused, hiding his own discomfort through years of practice.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Do you want to die?" He kissed Rodney again, panting slightly. "But for future reference, a steady progression of single digits is best to begin with." He moaned and awkwardly caught Rodney's wrist as he started to pull out. "Don't you fucking dare."

"But you said--"

"Rodney." He stared directly into Rodney's eyes, giving him his best 'for a genius...' look, one hand at the back of his lover's
neck, pressing their foreheads together. "Rodney... what does future reference mean to you?" He stopped any response Rodney might have offered with his tongue. Pulling back he thrust his hips against the immobile agony of Rodney's hand. "If you don't move soon I'm just going to do it myself..." That motivated Rodney, and by sheer dumb luck he managed to hit John's prostate. A wave of pleasure wound it's way up his spine, exploding through his brain stem. He shuddered and thrust himself forward harder, fucking himself on Rodney's fingers. He clenched his jaw and stilled, forcing himself back from the brink by sheer will power. "Nice as that is," He whisper moaned into Rodney's ear as he squeezed out another blob of lube into his hand and began rubbing it on Rodney's cock. "I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on..."

"You're sure?"

"How can you still doubt this?" John said and then sighed, kissing Rodney deeply as he guided his poor overly intellectual yet highly clueless lover into his body...

***

On the other side of the city, an artifact that had lain dormant for over a week, nearly forgotten after it's original epiphany birthing fist fight, burst into radiant light. It pulsed a glaring crimson for a moment before rapidly cycling through more colors than even Rodney would have been able to name...

All over the city people stopped what they were doing and looked around, feeling compelled to get up and find something they couldn't quite define...

Ford bruised three ribs and sprained his shoulder catching Teyla as she leapt off one of the inner balconies to reach him...

Simpson tripped Kavanaugh over a bench, giving him a bloody nose that neither of them seemed to care about...

Zelenka almost fell down the stairs leading to Elizabeth's office when he collided with Peter, who was hurrying toward the Infirmary...

All over the city, people stopped hiding and bared souls and hearts. Some of them were hurt, be there is always someone to comfort even the most broken hearted... for the most part, everyone seemed happy, even if no one could have said what drove them to it in the first place...

As John and Rodney found release, the innocuous little mirror flashed a pale rose hue and then shattered... it had served it's purpose. As Rodney had observed when this all started, it didn't create emotions... it had only done what any mirror does.

It had revealed what we often can't see ourselves.

-FIN-