At The Center

by Celia Deacon

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asc/cdeacon/center.php
Summary: Not supplied

Daniel did not, at any point, come out and say, "I'm nervous." What he did instead was wander around his house straightening things that didn't need to be straightened, peering at them with a look of great concentration, as if whatever he was holding contained everything in the world that was troubling him.

Jack watched him do this. He'd been here since last night, and he and Daniel were determinedly not talking about what had happened on P3X-127 three days ago. He'd thought that Daniel would bring it up for sure at some point, but Jack got the sense that he wanted to wait until all four of them were here and then do it, as though it would hurt less if more of them were there to participate. Instead, he and Daniel had talked about inconsequential things, passed the time that way. Every time Jack mentioned Sam or Teal'c's name, Daniel would flinch a little, or lower his head as if Jack were about to hit him. So he stopped mentioning them.

Last night they'd lain in Daniel's bed without touching. When Daniel had finally fallen asleep, he had not curled automatically against Jack as he normally did, but stayed carefully on his own side. Although he'd known it was foolish, Jack couldn't stop watching the rise and fall of Daniel's chest, couldn't stop himself from making absolutely sure that Daniel was breathing.

"Daniel," Jack said now, very carefully--he did not usually feel he had to be careful with Daniel, but today he did--"I think this was maybe not the best idea you've ever had."

Daniel stiffened a little, and said without turning around, "We have to talk about it sometime."

"No," Jack said, "We don't. I don't think this is the kind of thing we ever need to talk about, if you want to know the truth. This is something we need to bury as fast as possible so we can get on with our lives."

Daniel turned around then. He'd gotten maybe an hour of sleep last night, and it showed. He said, "If we do that, Jack, it'll kill us."

****

Jack wished that his memories of the time since they'd come back were more blurred. Everything, however, remained perfectlly clear. They'd stumbled into the gateroom, and he wasn't surprised by the presence of the medical team, the extra soldiers: they were late, probably very late, although he wasn't sure how many hours. His sense of time seemed to have suddenly become very elastic, not reliable.

He sat down heavily on the ramp and buried his face in his hands. The other three were there too, but he couldn't bring himself to look up and see what condition they were in. He knew Carter had been crying without any sound for a while; her eye makeup had run everywhere and her lashes were clotted together. He would normally have comforted her, but he could not, at the moment, remember exactly how he'd ever done that.

Frasier and her people were there, helping them stand. He saw Daniel stumble and almost fall, and one of the nurses put an arm around his shoulders, supporting him. Hammond was there too, and asked him, "Colonel, what happened?" There was real horror in his voice. They must have looked even worse than Jack thought.

He started to answer, then realized that he had no way how to articulate it. He said, "I don't know, General." His voice was almost too hoarse to be heard. He hadn't, at first, understood why all of their throats were so raw when they'd woken up. He thought now that they'd been screaming for a long, long time. "I'm sorry."

****

Daniel had been telling himself for half an hour that he wouldn't jump out of his skin when the doorbell rang. Of course he did anyway, and he silently thanked Jack for failing to mention it. Normally, Jack would have laughed at his jumpiness, but today he knew that whatever itwas that held them together was too fragile.

He let Sam and Teal'c in, and was surprised when Sam hugged him. She looked as if she'd slept just about as well as he and Jack had last night. "Hi, Daniel," she said, a little hoarsely. "Thanks for having us over."

"You're welcome," he said, then to both of them, "Come in and sit down."

Sam remained standing, holding her purse very tightly. "Hi, sir," she said to Jack, who said, "Carter," not looking at all happy to see her, then, "Hey, T."

"O'Neill," said Teal'c. He looked like always; he had a better poker face than the others.

Daniel went to get a couple of beers. In his kitchen, he suddenly pressed his forehead against the cold metal of his refrigerator door, willing himself to keep acting normal. God. This was a bad idea.

But he had no idea at all of what else they could do.

****

Daniel didn't stay in the infirmary that long. There was, as he pointed out to Janet numerous times, nothing actually wrong with him, or with any of them. She reluctantly agreed, and let him go meet with General Hammond. He didn't particularly want to do that either, but it was better than being in bed, with all that time to think stretching out ahead of him.

Hammond had been speaking to all of them rather cautiously since they got back, as if he was afraid they might have some kind of breakdown. Daniel didn't think that was entirely out of the question, but right now he didn't feel much of anything.

Hammond said, "Dr. Jackson, when did you first realize that things were going wrong?"

Daniel said, "I didn't, actually. Everything seemed to be going well."

And it had. That was what bothered him more than anything else--he'd never for a moment thought they might be in danger. The planet's inhabitants had been extremely friendly and accomodating, and had answered all their questions freely. Sam was thrilled about some defensive technologies they possessed, which Daniel hadn't fully understood, but her enthusiasm was contagious. Daniel had asked them for an alliance as best he could.

"They won't trade with us," he told the others, returning. "Well, they will, but we have to undergo some kind of ritual first."

"Now, see," said Jack, "Just from that, I've already thought of at least ten things that could go wrong. Want to guess what they are?"

Daniel ignored him. "The elder says all of them have gone through it, and it doesn't appear to have harmed them." Jack glared at him. Daniel continued hastily, "Not that that means it won't affect us, but what he's describing doesn't sound too awful. He says it's a ritual of trust."

"Of trust?" asked Jack.

"Well, yes. He says it's a ritual of learning trust by discovering, um, something. I couldn't quite get that part. I know that doesn't sound good, but--"

"Daniel," said Jack.

"Sir, we need this treaty," Sam said. "Their technology is--"

"Wait, Carter, let me guess. Advanced far beyond our own?"

"Exactly," she said, enthusiasm only slightly deflated.

Daniel forged ahead. "He says it will only take a moment, and that it absolutely will not harm us."

"Well, keep talking to them," Jack said. "Find out something more specific, and I'll consider it."

They hadn't had a choice, though.

"It happened at dinner that night, as far as we can tell," Daniel said. "They--well, they put something in our drinks."

"They poisoned you?" asked Hammond.

"Not poisoned, I don't think. Well, maybe. It was some type of hallucinogen, but we all experienced the same things at the same time. Anyway, they didn't mean to hurt us, I know that. They were trying to help us. I think they thought we weren't communicating well." He laughed a little, shakily.

Hammond said, "How did they get that impression?"

"That's what I've been trying to figure out," Daniel said. "Maybe they saw Jack and I arguing. Well, not arguing, but--I don't know. They must have misinterpreted something that we said as genuine hostility. And they tried to help us."

"What is it that you saw, Dr. Jackson?" Hammond sounded more than a little wary.

Daniel was quiet for a long time. Then he laughed. He said, "I'm trying to think of a way to say it that won't sound ridiculous, but I can't. We saw--I think we saw our worst nightmares."

****

It was the oddest sensation Daniel had ever experienced, and that was saying something. He was seeing and experiencing things, but he couldn't react to them, or even think about them, not until later. He wasn't in his own mind; he was, at first, in Jack's mind.

It was very much like a dream: although what was happening did not make sense, it was clear and continuous and while it happened, he believed it entirely, could not even begin trying to wake himself from it.

Jack was in the mockup that Hathor had built of the SGC. Sam and Teal'c were dead. They had come in with some soldiers that Daniel didn't know, and Jack was waiting for them. He zatted them all as soon as they walked in the door.

Jack was completely conscious and aware, but not alone in his mind. The cryogenic freezing should have killed the goa'uld. It had not.

Once they were unconscious, he zatted them a second time, very methodically. Sam was last. She opened her eyes as he stood over her.

"Sir," she breathed. "Don't do this. You don't have to do this."

The goa'uld in Jack said, "Quiet."

Sam said, not to Jack, "You know, we got rid of Hathor before. And even if it's not us, someone's going to do it again."

The goa'uld studied her calmly. It crouched down next to her and took her knife out of its holder. She watched him too, maybe afraid, but not showing it.

He put the knife to her throat. She said, "God, please, don't do this," and he took the knife away. Then he stabbed her in the heart.

The blood was everywhere. It welled out of her mouth, and Jack bent over her and kissed her as she died. The blood was thicker and saltier than her tears.

Then he picked up one of the zats and waited for Daniel.

He came alone. Jack shot him only once, then took his weapons and waited for him to wake up.

"Wait, wait, wait," he said, as soon as he did. "Don't. Jack, you can fight this. I know you can."

The goa'uld said, "My host will not be able to save you." Then it said, "It would be a pity if his affections for you were never fulfilled."

Daniel said, "What?" and the goa'uld touched his face, then stroked his mouth, almost gently.

Daniel's expression didn't change. "Don't do this to me, Jack," he said.

Jack put his hand on Daniel's belt buckle. He smiled. "This frightens you more than death?"

Daniel didn't break eye contact with him. "Kill me," he said.

Later, much later, Jack did.

****

"It doesn't make any sense," Sam said, suddenly vehement. All four of them were now assembled in Daniel's living room. "I mean, things weren't at all the way they really were. Teal'c and I weren't together during that fight with Hathor. And we all know it's useless to try to reason with a symbiote's host, so I doubt we would have done that. Besides, if you'd really tried to, well, stab me, Colonel, I would have put a bullet in your eye."

"I appreciate that, Carter," Jack said.

Teal'c said, "Major Carter is correct. We did not act in our visions as we would have in reality."

Daniel said, "It doesn't matter, though, does it? The details weren't important. We reacted in the ways that would be the worst for the person having the dream."

Jack said, "You've got that right."

****

Teal'c explained, "Although we should have sensed the danger to ourselves beforehand, I believe that the planet's inhabitants did not comprehend how debilitating the experience would be for us. Perhaps their people have not had as many experiences as we have to cause them fear."

Hammond said, "Did you have any contact with the planet's people before you returned through the gate?"

"The village appeared to be deserted when we returned," said Teal'c. "Daniel Jackson theorized that the people may have been frightened by our reactions."

Hammond asked, "After you saw Colonel O'Neill's dream, what happened?

****

Major Carter had not felt that leaving K'Tau would be the wisest course of action. It was unjust to believe that all of the inhabitants should be blamed for the actions of one of their people, and all of them, Major Carter in particular, argued that another solution might be found to help them. In the end, however, they went back though the gate, leaving the citizens to their prayers and continuing to hope that the process would reverse itself on its own.

A week went by before they returned, wearing the biohazard suits to protect themselves from whatever damage the sun's red light had caused by that point. Even with this protection, the air on K'Tau was stifling and oppressive. The sky's red quality was more intense than before.

The people were dead. They had known that this was likely, but it was still somewhat shocking to see. They had died together in the church, sitting in the pews; all of their hands appeared to have been clasped in prayer.

They searched the village for any survivors, although they knew that they would find none. Walking back to the gate, Major Carter's head was bowed, and she seemed to bear a heavy weight on her shoulders.

As they approached the gate, Colonel O'Neill said, "You know, Carter, it's really a shame you had to override those dialing protocols."

"I know, sir," she said, very quietly.

Teal'c said, "Particularly since these people were unable to offer us anything of value, nor we them."

"That's true," said Daniel Jackson. "I guess, if you think about it, they really died for no reason at all."

Major Carter said, "It was my fault, wasn't it?"

None of them responded for some time. Then Daniel said, "Nobody's trying to blame you, Sam." He spoke with little conviction, and looked sidewise at O'Neill.

Major Carter tried to speak and was interrupted by O'Neill, who said, "All we're saying, Carter, is that you're the one who insisted on giving this planet a try, even though there were problems with the gate. That's all. I mean, it won't look good on your record, but it could have happened to any of us."

They were at the stargate now. Daniel began to dial. Major Carter, who seemed to be in pain, said, "Sir, I did the best I could."

Teal'c said, "That is certain, Major Carter." She looked somewhat relieved. He continued, "But the fact remains that the people of K'Tau are dead."

She looked over at Daniel, but he would not meet her eyes. In fact, none of them had looked her in the eye since they had left the village. O'Neill said, "Carter, listen. SG-5's been in desperate need of a scientist lately. Maybe you should spend some time with them."

"Sir," she said, and he interrupted, "In light of what happened here, Carter, SG-1 might have to look for a fourth member that's a little more...responsible."

The sky seemed darker than ever. Major Carter looked back at the village. Surely the image of the corpses in the church was in her mind; perhaps it would never leave her. She said, "I understand, sir."

****

Daniel said, "There's something I've been thinking about."

They all looked at him. Jack said, "Now, Daniel, is this something that's going to make things better here? Or worse? Because if it's worse, I really don't want to hear about it."

Daniel said, "Sorry, but I bet it's something the rest of you have been thinking about too. I never figured out exactly what it was that we were seeing. And I think we should know if we were seeing the things we were most afraid of, or if we were seeing the worst that we're capable of."

Sam turned even more pale. She said, "You're right, Daniel. I have been thinking about that."

Teal'c said, "It seems clear that none of us could ever be capable of such things. However, in every case, the situations were not far from the reality that we experienced."

"All right, yeah, the thought may have crossed my mind too," Jack said. "But, you know, I think by this point, we should all know each other a little better than that. We all know that what we saw was impossible."

Daniel said, "But we're still thinking about it."

****

"By the time we got back, there was hardly any trace of the substance left in our bodies. It was hard to even find enough to take samples," Sam said. Then she added, "There probably wasn't much in our bodies in the first place. I should have been able to find some way to get us out of it. But I couldn't."

Hammond said, "What did you find in your analysis, Major?"

"Well, sir, it seemed to be a strong hallucinogen. But we don't know what might have caused the telepathy, for lack of a better word, that we experienced. I mean, from any rational standpoint, it should have been impossible."

"And yet you all clearly shared the same experience," he said.

She closed her eyes for a moment and said, "Yes, sir. We did."

****

The thing that frightened Sam the most was that, looking at Teal'c, she knew that he genuinely believed in what he was saying. When he said Apophis' name, there was a deep reverence in his eyes; maybe even something approaching love.

It would be hopeless, she thought, to try to help him, and she knew that trying would only put them in danger. To confront him with logic when he had been forced to believe something so thoroughly illogical couldn't be to their benefit, so she said nothing.

Daniel, on the other hand, said, "Teal'c, you remember when Apophis brainwashed your son Ry'ac?"

Teal'c turned to walk away, then looked back at them. Daniel said, "Consider the possibility."

He did, for a moment, seem to be considering it. Then he shot Daniel. It happened so fast that Sam didn't have time to scream.

Jack, stunned, crouched down next to Daniel, who was still alive. Teal'c said, "We will speak no more of this," and went out.

At first, she was sure Daniel would die; later, she hoped desperately that he would. The wound had cauterized itself instantly, but he'd been shot right in the stomach. Thankfully, he was mostly unconcious. She could imagine all too well what it felt like.

When Teal'c came back, he said, "My god Apophis wishes for me to kill you now."

"Teal'c," Jack said, "all you have to do is help us get off this ship. We'll go home. We'll help Daniel. Apophis isn't anyone's god, least of all yours."

"You lie," said Teal'c, quite calmly, and zatted Jack twice. Then he turned to Sam.

"Please," she said, knowing it was hopeless. "You're our friend. Someday, you'll remember that, and what you did here will kill you."

The first shot hurt like hell. She didn't feel the second.

****

Sam said, "Look, Daniel, those people told you that this was about trust. And it is. The things we saw were terrible. It scares me that our minds even came up with them. But we shouldn't believe for a second that they could ever be real."

"We had to see the worst that we're capable of and still trust each other," said Daniel. "I understand that. But I think we'd all feel better if we knew that what we were seeing was just something that we were afraid of."

Teal'c said, "I feel quite certain that that is indeed what we experienced."

"Quite certain," said Daniel, and no one said anything for a moment.

"Okay, listen," said Jack. "Daniel, let's start with you. Do you honestly believe that Teal'c would ever kill the three of us in cold blood?"

"No," said Daniel, without hesitation.

Jack said, "Do you think Carter could be so irresponsible that she'd let a whole planet die and not come up with a solution? Actually, let me rephrase that: since that kinda already happened--sorry, Carter--do you think she'd ever make that mistake again?"

Daniel, seeing where Jack was going but playing along, said, "No, I know she wouldn't."

Jack said, "Okay. Now, do you believe I would--"

"No."

"Good. So we're down to you. Would you, under the right set of circumstances, start a nuclear holocaust? And kill me? Is that something you think you're capable of?"

Daniel didn't answer.

****

"Sir," said Jack, "I have a feeling that when you spoke to Daniel and Carter and Teal'c, they might have implied that the situation was their fault. You probably already know that's not true, but just in case? It's not their fault."

"I'm not interested in blaming any of you," said Hammond. "This sounds for all intents and purposes like something that none of you could have avoided. That includes you, Colonel."

Jack knew that wasn't entirely true, but he felt too tired to argue. "I should have known we were in danger," he said. "I didn't. I wasn't worried about a damn thing."

Hammond said, "It sounds like it was impossible for you to know that, Jack."

"It has to have been possible," Jack said. "It's always possible."

****

Jack knew this dream already. Daniel had told him about it one night, out of the blue. He hadn't been particularly emotional about it, just recounted the details, very straightforward, almost mechanical. Jack knew him well enough to know that Daniel needed to hear that his dreamhad only been a dream, could never possibly happen. He had reassured Daniel the best he could, and seeing it this way, he understood why Daniel had needed to be reassured.

He thought he'd understood the substance of Daniel's dream pretty well, but actually living through it wasn't the same at all. Also, there was more that Daniel hadn't told him. He thought maybe some of ithadn't been part of Daniel's real dream at all; he thought Daniel had added this in all by himself.

It was later, after he'd watched Daniel destroy the world. Daniel had looked at him with real sadness, and then one of Daniel's people had taken his gun and taken him to another part of the basement, where he waited.

Daniel came back in after what seemed like a very long time. He had a hand device. Jack thought, I guess he made it work after all, and somehow the thought made him feel incredibly tired.

Jack had thought the same thing before, but it was even stronger now: with the hand device on, Daniel looked more like a god than any of the goa'ulds they'd ever seen. He was beautiful in a strange way; it was almost painful to look at him.

Jack said, "Just out of curiosity, what are you thinking right now?"

Daniel moved closer to him; close enough to touch, almost. He said, "I was thinking that I can't believe you tried to shoot me."

"Then you must not know me very well," Jack said.

"That's probably true," said Daniel. He seemed very calm, very thoughtful, not a wasted gesture or movement. Jack found it hard to imagine that Daniel had ever gotten excited about anything.

"So Teal'c did die on that mission," Jack said. "Because of you."

Daniel looked at him with something that was almost pity. "Oh, Jack, you had to have known that."

"Oh, I guess I did," said Jack. "But I obviously don't know you very well either, because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt."

"And I appreciate it, believe me," said Daniel. Jack saw that he had been wrong. This game was exciting to Daniel; he was smiling a little now, and moving closer to Jack, close enough to kiss, almost.

Trying to buy some time, Jack said, "So I guess I can assume that something unpleasant's going to happen to Carter while she's in prison?"

Daniel checked his watch, then said, "Already has, actually."

"Ah," said Jack. Later, if he lived though this, he knew he would feel heartbroken. For the moment, he didn't feel much at all.

Daniel studied the hand device, and said, "You know, this isn't really that bad, once you get used to it."

It felt to Jack like it always did. Not like a burn, because the sensation was so clean and unrelentless, but that was the closest he could come. There were worse pains. It hurt that it was Daniel, though.

Daniel said, "It's amazing how many forms of goa'uld technology there are that we've never had any experience with. We have some of them here, now. They really are capable of some great things, Jack. You won't believe it."

"Daniel," Jack said, "Just let me ask you one favor."

"What's that?"

"Be quick about it, okay? You have my gun. Whatever else is between us, now--we were friends."

"Well," Daniel said, "you were awfully willing to shoot me, weren't you? So--okay."

The bullet didn't take Jack by surprise. This pain wasn't so bad, either. This pain, he knew.

****

"It's getting late," Sam said.

It was. They'd slept so little since they'd gotten back that all the days seemed to have blurred into one long, interminable stretch. Jack felt like he'd lost his sense of time entirely, but he could see the sun going down outside Daniel's windows.

"Perhaps we should leave," Teal'c announced. By "we," he apparently meant himself and Carter. They both seemed to take it for granted that Jack would stay longer with Daniel, which surprised him. Jack wondered if they knew something and hadn't said; he'd always thought they were pretty oblivious. Maybe we don't know each other all that well, he thought, and then: nah.

Daniel still looked unhappy, though not quite as miserable as before. "When we get back to work," he said, "are you guys going to be okay?"

"I will be fine, Daniel Jackson."

"I think so," said Sam. "I don't like it, though, that we're going to have this hanging over our heads."

"It'll fade, Carter," said Jack. It would, too. He knew for a fact that they were all thinking the same thing: I may not completely trust myself, but at least I've got three people around who'll stop me if the worst happens, if things get bad enough.

After they left, it was very quiet. Jack sat down next to Daniel and, feeling awkward, put an arm around his shoulders. Daniel settled against him, a little more relaxed now than he had been.

Jack said, "So we've all got some time off coming up."

"Hmmm," said Daniel.

"I was thinking I'd go up to Minnesota. I know you're not much for fishing, but I'd like you to come, if you want."

Daniel thought about it, then said, "I'd like that very much."

"Good," Jack said, and they were quiet again.

There were a few things he knew for sure: that he'd take Daniel up to the cabin this weekend, and that he would fish and Daniel would read and that they'd sleep together, probably in front of the fire. He also knew that they'd both have a lot of bad dreams. That was all right, because all four of them would, at some point, be okay. There was some comfort in knowing that you'd seen the worst of someone. And he knew it was impossible to be sure that what they'd seen wasn't what Daniel had said--the worst they were capable of, something that someday, under the right conditions, could come true.

They were sure of each other anyway, though. They were. They had to be.