The Letter 2

The Saddest Song

by Celievamp 

Janet let herself into the house she shared with Sam Carter. It was still and quiet even though it was only early evening. She knew that both Cassie and Sam should be home by now.

There were signs of a party in the lounge, the chairs had been moved, there were still some empty bottles and cans on the coffee table. Not a very successful party by SGC standards as there were no unconscious bodies on the couch or under blankets on the floor. The kitchen looked as if it had been hastily tidied and then abandoned. Janet frowned. Unless she was very very drunk Sam was scrupulous about tidying everything away before she went to bed after a party. She hated dealing with the mess the next morning.

And if Cassie had thrown an illicit party whilst she was away, surely she would have the sense not to leave the evidence around for her mothers to find.

A party without her. She pursed her lips and frowned. Something was going on. Something she had missed out on. She tried to remember but there was nothing. Unusually she was wearing BDUs rather than her semi-formal uniform. Had she been through the Gate today?

Janet went upstairs. She checked on Cassie first who was fast asleep, curled into a ball under the covers. It looked as if she had been crying. Maybe she had thrown a party and Sam had called her out for it. Something had certainly upset her.

She opened her bedroom door. Sam was in the shower. She could hear the water running and something else. Sam was crying. How big a fight had she had with Cassie? She thought about going into the bathroom to comfort her lover but decided to let Sam cry herself out. Sam hated anyone to see her cry.

Sam's dress uniform was discarded on the floor. Something was really wrong here. Sam was always particular about her clothing, especially her dress uniform.

Maybe the party had been something to do with work. Had there been a ceremony of some kind? Automatically she checked the collar on Sam's jacket but there were no extra rank markings. She hadn't been promoted again. And Janet would have heard about it if it was in the offing. This was getting weirder by the minute.

Janet knelt to pick up the uniform noticing for the first time that the knees of her BDUs were stained with blood and mud. Why hadn't she changed before coming home? Not that she could remember coming home. She must have driven down from the mountain on automatic pilot again. It wouldn't be the first time.

She laid Sam's skirt on the bed and straightened it out before hanging it on its hanger in the closet. As she picked up Sam's jacket something fluttered to the floor. It was a letter. On the front in her handwriting was one word. "Sam". When had she written Sam a letter?

Pain flared in her back and hip. She put her hand automatically to the place and it came away bloody. What the hell? How had she come back injured without getting attended to?

The letter. She remembered the letter. She dropped it on the bed as if it had bitten her and backed away. Sam came out of the bathroom, still wet very naked, her eyes red raw with crying. She was shivering with cold. She walked right through Janet and laid down on the bed.

Janet stared after her and then down at herself. She hadn't imagined it. She glanced up at the mirror above the dressing table and realised that she had no reflection. The pain in her back made her weak at the knees for a moment and she clutched the bed for support.

She remembered. That stupid documentary team wanting to film them in the field. Going to the planet and coming under attack. Seeing the Colonel go down as she was triaging the other casualties. Running towards him, Sam already working on him and then.

And then.

The letter was one of several she had written and left with General Hammond for safekeeping. If Sam had her letter it meant that she, Janet, was dead. The party had not been a party, it had been a wake. For her. That's why Cassie had been crying. She had gone through the trauma of losing her mother for a second time. That's why Sam was curled up on their bed, locked in misery. She had lost the love of her life.

Janet crawled onto the bed beside her lover, wishing that she could touch her, that Sam could see her. As she laid her head on the pillow beside her, Sam opened her eyes and just for a moment Janet was sure that Sam saw her clearly.

She watched as Sam pulled herself together enough to open the letter and read it, her lips moving as she quietly said the words to herself. Janet knew that Sam had committed the letter to memory that if someone asked her what Janet had written in ten days or ten years, Sam would be able to tell them word for word.

Then Sam did something that amazed and humbled Janet. On the dresser there was a picture of Janet that Sam herself had taken. It was entirely natural and both women had agreed captured a lot of Janet's spirit. Taking the back off the picture, Sam hid the letter inside the frame.

Sam laid back on the bed and closed her eyes. Within a few minutes Janet realised that her lover was asleep at last.

Janet watched over her for hours drinking in every inch of her lover remembering the sheen of moonlight on her bare skin, how her full soft lips trembled as her brow creased at some dream image that displeased her, how Sam's hands ran across the skin of her abdomen and her thigh as she moved in her sleep. Once or twice she heard her own name mumbled, once with a loving sigh, a pleasant dream- memory, once in an almost sobbing tone as the dream turned darker.

Content that she was safe, Janet went across the hall to her daughter's room, to say goodbye to the young girl who had come to mean so much to her.

"There's so much I want to say to you," she whispered to Cassie, wishing that she could touch her one last time. Even her voice sounded thin and ghostly now. "I know Sam and you will take care of each other and I know that you will make me so proud of you. I love you so much, Cassie. I could not love you more if you were my own firstborn child." The pain in her back flared again and looking down at herself she saw that she was beginning to fade. It was almost dawn. She had not much time.

When she went back to her bedroom there was a CD playing softly in the background. Janet recognised the song. The CD was new, out only a few weeks before. It was one of Janet's favourite singers, her sweet soprano voice filling the void. The song said everything.

Sam was awake, standing at the window watching the sun rise. Janet wanted to touch her so badly. She did not know how many times she had woken to see her lover standing like this, naked and new in the dawning day so beautiful in the redgold light that Janet wondered again what she had done to be so lucky. What did she do to deserve Sam Carter in her life?

"I love you Sam. Sometimes I think I was born to love you, to help you become the wonderful, amazing person you are."

Janet froze as Sam turned as if to say something to her probably to call her out for her arrant sentimentality and almost cried herself as the hurt blossomed on Sam's face all over again as she realised Janet was not there, that she would never be there again.

Janet knew that this magical time was coming to an end. She did not know how she knew, she just did. She would be leaving Sam and Cassie soon, not for anywhere better or worse than this. Just different. Silently she thanked the powers for granting her these hours with her love.

The dawning light shifted across the bedroom floor to play across her skin. Janet felt herself begin to dissolve. This was it then. Sam was watching the patch of sunlight where she stood, a curious expression on her face. Once before Janet had thought that Sam saw her, sensed her presence. Now, at the very end, could she see her again? Sam lifted her hand as if to touch Janet but her hand passed through her essence again and Janet realised that all she saw were motes of light dancing. Sam smiled, lost in the wonder of it, all her cares forgotten for the moment.

And Janet was gone.

END

Next: I'd Give Up Forever To Touch You