'You've never really known love, have you.'
He may as well have stabbed her through the heart. It was something she had secretly suspected about herself - that when her mother died something inside her had died as well. It certainly explained some of her choices - before and after Jonas Hansen. Her attraction to and for the lunatic fringe. She had thought Daniel was different but maybe the gentleness, the care for her was just an act. He had been quick enough to forget her when Shyla came on the scene. Perhaps he was just like all the other men in her life. If it wasn't for the fact that she was too chickenshit to contemplate any other way.
Sam's hands were working automatically, disassembling the latest piece of Goa'uld technology brought through the Gate. Her mind was somewhere else entirely
Janet Fraiser checked on her patient. Daniel Jackson was heavily sedated to spare him the worst of his withdrawal symptoms. She had insisted that he still be restrained despite O'Neill's forceful objections. O'Neill was sitting by Daniel's bed. He thought he had made some kind of breakthrough with him earlier and that Danny had turned the corner. Janet massaged her sore shoulder and wished she felt that optimistic about Daniel's prognosis. She noted that Teal'c was now sitting on the floor at the foot of Daniel's bed, probably meditating. Captain Carter was not with them, which was unusual
O'Neill eerily echoed her thoughts. 'Hey, Doc, you seen Carter lately?'
'Not today,' Janet said
He glanced at the still figure on the bed and then motioned her to follow him out of the cubicle
'Before Danny collapsed he was with Carter. You know her as well as I do, Doc, you know Carter doesn't scare easily. Well, I don't know what Daniel said or did to her in her lab but he scared her badly. She won't talk to me about it.'
'But you think that she might talk to me,' Janet said softly
O'Neill nodded. 'If you wouldn't mind, doc. I am worried about her, but I don't want to leave Danny.'
'Okay, Colonel. I'll just finish my check on Dr Jackson and then I'll go and see Captain Carter. Any idea where I'll find her?'
'Probably holed up in her lab,' O'Neill said. He followed her back into the cubicle to check on Danny.
Sam was indeed in her lab. Having prepared in advance, Janet knocked on the door and then poked her head round. 'Just came to see how you were doing?' she said, taking in the too pale face and shadowed eyes. 'Everyone's been so focussed on Daniel the last couple of days that they've forgotten that the rest of you spent ten days as slave labour in a naquada mine.' She did not miss the flinch at the mention of Daniel's name. 'And I brought coffee and doughnuts. You look like you could use a break. And I know I need one.'
Sam managed a smile. 'Come in then. I'll clear some space for you to sit down.' As she moved the pile of circuit boards and other cannibalised computer parts off the only other chair in her room Sam realised that she was genuinely pleased to see the young doctor. She had come to consider Janet as one of her closest friends, particularly since she had adopted Cassie when Sam could not because of her Active Mission status
Even so, she was a little surprised when twenty minutes later she found herself telling her everything
"All my life I've been attracted to the wrong men, the men who think its okay to hurt me or belittle me. And I let them. For some reason I just take it, like I secretly think I deserve it or something. I thought Danny was different, but it turned out that underneath he was just the same. He was just the same."
"From what I little I know of your track record you do seem to follow a pattern," Janet said carefully, "but at least you've always had the good sense to get out every time before the relationship turned dangerously abusive."
"More by luck than anything else sometimes," Sam said. "There's something to be said for the air force life and being moved around a lot." She was rubbing her wrist, the delicate bones that Jonas Hansen had broken without a moment's hesitation the day she forgot to pick up his drycleaning
She felt hot tears prick at her eyes and fought to blink them back but she was too tired. And Janet was a friend. She was a woman in the military. She must have had to put up with the same macho crap. Janet would not judge her
"There's something else you're not telling me, isn't there?" Janet asked quietly. "Whatever it is, you know you can tell me. If you're not comfortable talking here, what if I come over to your place this evening, or you can come to mine and I'll cook dinner." She could not resist reaching out to stroke the back of her fingers gently down Sam's pale cheek. "I have to say you look like you could use a hot meal."
Sam fought every instinct in her body to withdraw and allowed herself to enjoy the feel of the other woman's fingers against her skin. "That would be great - if I'm not putting you to too much trouble."
"Of course not, Sam. And Cassie will be overjoyed to see you, as always. In fact, why don't you stay over? We'll have a proper girls night in - chocolate, red wine and sappy films." Janet smiled at the slightly glazed expression in her friend's eyes. "Hey, it's just a sleep over, not a proposal." She could have bitten her tongue. Sam withdrew from her touch as if Janet had slapped her. Janet closed her eyes for a moment as things began to fall into place. Her life had just got a whole lot more complicated
Sam is due in about twenty minutes. After I got home, I must have fretted for an hour, certain that Sam was going to ring up and cancel our arrangements. Something happened at the end of our conversation in Sam's lab, something I don't think either of us were expecting. I just hope that it hasn't completely ruined our friendship
But she phoned, thank god to tell me she was running a little late due to Schro Mark 2 and his latest dumb exploit. But she was definitely on the way
The casserole should be ready to eat in about an hour. There's a chocolate cheesecake defrosting in the fridge and beer and red wine on the worktop
And I can't stop thinking about her
Even with my eyes closed, I can still see her, in all her guises. Sam doesn't let very many people close to her and I know that I'm one of them. And I am blessed by that. What she does not know is how far she has come into my heart, what she has come to mean to me. What she said today, even though I had guessed some of it from her medical history scared me. That such a strong woman could give herself up to that for the sake of a little affection.
She constantly amazes me. I've seen her come back from a mission, pull an all nighter and go into a briefing the next morning, fuelled only by seemingly boundless enthusiasm and caffeine and blow everyone away with her work. I've seen her brow furrow in concentration as she worked, or in frustration when something wasn't going the way she wanted it to and the smile of unalloyed joy that transforms her whole being when it all comes together. I've sat and listened to her talk about the latest technological find without understanding a word just for the simple joy of watching that wonderful mind at work, of watching the animation on her face, the way she uses her hands, her whole body to describe what she sees. Although her specialities are mathematics and physics after five years of working with her she knows the biological and medical research side of my job almost as well as I do. When the chips are down Sam is the one I call on to assist me in the lab
I've seen the warrior side of her, the brave, fearless side. The soldier who walks into god-know-what kind of danger every day without a backward glance. The woman who puts up with all the misogynist shit this universe can throw at her with her chin up and her eyes clear. Who goes toe-to-toe with Jack O'Neill and isn't afraid to tell him he's wrong. Who fought her own demons, lived with her body being invaded by Jolinar, and was able to access the memories and use them to create an alliance that may yet be our salvation.
I've seen what a loyal friend she is. She was there for me through some rough times - through all my self doubts and self recriminations about how I could have done more. She brought Cassandra into my life - I can't imagine how hard it was for her when she had to give Cassandra up knowing how much she loved her. She doesn't show her vulnerable side often, and I could see how hard it was for her to open up to me - to anyone. She still had the idea that she had to be the good soldier all the time. No one had taken the time to show her how different it could be. I could also see how good a mother she would have been to Cassandra herself if things had been different
And for all that, she has so little self-esteem, so little self- awareness. I think I want to teach her a little more about herself. A little more about how love should be. Perhaps Daniel was right in a perverse sort of way. I think she realises it as well, that's why what he said threw her so badly. There are a hundred different facets to her that I can identify and I know I have barely scratched the surface. And the more I find out about her, the more I want to know. The more I realise that I am falling in love with her
And after our chat today, I think she feels something for me
Can anything else go wrong today?
First Daniel, then almost breaking down in front of General Hammond and the Colonel. And then telling Janet all that stuff about Jonas and my lunatic fringe tendencies. How stupid was that! God knows what she thinks of me, though she did seem very understanding. And then coming on to her. and agreeing to stay over at her house. Is this just another kind of abusive relationship - only this time I'm intent on torturing myself?
After she left my office - and I'm still not entirely sure what I saw in her eyes when she made the `proposal' crack, to which I totally over-reacted, I couldn't do any more work. I went to the gym for an hour and beat the crap out of a punch bag. Then I went up top for an hour to clear my head. I still can't get enough of the open air after ten days underground in that mine
I just walked around going over and over in my head. By the time I walked back to the garage and signed out, I had convinced myself that I had seen what I wanted to see, that the remark had been entirely innocent. The disappointment I felt at that almost stopped me in my tracks
I still haven't figured out what I want to happen this evening. It took me ages to sort out what to wear - I wanted to show myself off a bit without going over the top and being too dressy. I finally decided on a dark red silk blouse and a fairly new pair of jeans that I knew fit me particularly well. I laid them out on the bed and went and had a shower
I came out of the bathroom to disasterville. Schro Mk 2 had found his way into my bedroom whilst I was in the shower and had decided to make my silk blouse his bed for the night. Of course he had to `pad' it into shape before he fell asleep. I could have cried, the stupid cat! I doubt if it's wearable again. I threw him out of my room, ignoring the innocent looks and cries of betrayal he was sending in my direction. I had to go with my second choice - a dark blue Tshirt with appliqué butterflies that Cassie bought me for my birthday. It does bring out my eyes and Cassie will be thrilled that I am wearing it but that silk blouse was something special. Stupid cat!
When I phoned her to say I was running a little late, Janet sounded almost scared. I got the distinct feeling that she was half expecting me to cancel
Maybe I'm not reading too much into this after all
Please let nothing else go wrong today
Dinner went well - Sam even had seconds. She did confess that she couldn't remember the last decent meal she'd eaten. Seeing her in figure concealing fatigues all day you tend to forget just how slender she is when you see her in civvies. And how beautiful. She's wearing the T shirt Cassie bought her for her birthday, which is very nice of her. It does look good on her and brings out the blue of her eyes perfectly
She helped Cassie with her homework for a while whilst I cleared up, and then I shooed Cassie off to bed
We were both a little self-conscious, I think, as I brought out the wine and the glasses and the remains of the chocolate cheesecake as well as some of my treasured hoard of chocolates that I get from a real chocolate shop in Denver whenever I go over there
As usual, we fell into talking about Cassie. "She's blooming," Sam smiled. "Growing up so fast."
"Growing tall so fast, you mean," I joked. "In six months I'm going to have a permanent crick in my neck looking up at the pair of you all the time."
"I still think about it sometimes, you know," Sam said, a look of sadness on her face for a moment. "What it would have been like to raise Cassie myself. But I see how happy she is with you and I know that the General made the right decision." "She loves you very much, Sam, never forget that. You will always be her hero." I knew the reaction I would get to that, the ducking of the head, the slow flush of embarrassment. We sipped our wine in silence for a few minutes
"Thank you for inviting me over today," she said softly. "You saved my life I think, certainly my sanity. I didn't realise how much this whole mess with Shyla and Daniel had got to me. When he said." she stopped, and I realised that there were tears in her eyes
I put down my glass and moved closer to her. "Don't upset yourself over it, Sam. Daniel was ill. He didn't know what he was saying, he certainly didn't mean it. You said it yourself. You recognized that he was ill - that the Daniel you knew would never say anything like that. And you know it not true, don't you." Now or never, I told myself. "I saw it in your face when we were talking in your office, when I reached out to touch your face." I did it again, ran my fingers down her cheek, staring into her eyes, seeing the same look I had earlier
"When was the last time someone talked to YOU?" I asked, letting my hands stroke across the young woman's broad shoulders and down her arms feeling the tension in her body. "I think we all talk to what you are, the scientist, the soldier, the person who pulls us out of the crap time after time. I felt Sam shiver under my deliberately gentle touch but she did not pull away. "When was the last time someone really talked to you, Samantha, really touched you? When was the last time someone said that they loved you?"
I leant over and kissed her, gently at first then as she relaxed with more passion. After what seemed forever we broke apart
'So how long have you imagined doing that?' I asked softly
'A while,' Sam whispered
'And why did you never act on it?'
Sam blushed, her eyes closed. 'Because I didn't think you could ever want me in that way. I mean I knew you were my friend - for which I am eternally grateful -but you never showed any interest in me beyond that and so I...'
'You just thought about it. A lot.' I leant in to kiss her again, letting the tip of my tongue skim the full top lip, smiling at the strangled moan this elicited from her. 'Has anyone told you lately, Sam, that you live in your head far too much and that you really do need to get out more.' I grinned at my friend's discomfiture. 'It's okay.' I brushed my fingers slowly through the thick blond hair. 'It's a lot more than okay. So, tell me, was it as good as you thought it would be?'
Sam's smile lit up my heart. 'Better. Much, much better. Though I do think I need to collect more data. I mean one kiss isn't much to go on when you think about it.'
'Well, two kisses if you want to be accurate.' Sam loved me. Sam wanted me. "I see, Dr Carter,' My heart soared at the impish grin that the use of her other title brought to Sam's face. 'So what kind of timescale do you propose for this experiment?'
I giggled at the almost feral look that appeared on my soon-to-be lover's face. Just what have I awakened here? "Well, I think more time for data collection could be made available." I lightly traced the outline of Sam's nipple through her thin T-shirt. "You gonna take notes? I...'
Sam pulled back, I looked at her questioningly, trying to keep my panic from showing on my face. "What is it. If we're going to fast..."
'No. Yes. Maybe. I just need to know, Janet. This isn't a one time thing, is it? Because if it is... then I'd rather not know just what I'm going to miss.'
I reached out and softly kissed her again, letting my free hand trail gently down Sam's face, momentarily silenced by the look of fear and need in the crystal blue eyes focussed so intently on my face. This was one of those moments you read about, I realised, one of those pivotal, life changing moments. What I said next would shape not only my own life but also Sam's
'I want to be with you, Sam, I have for the longest time. I don't look on this as just a one time thing, as just sex. I want to make love to you properly to get to know every inch of you every facet of you. And that's gonna take a long time, Sam Carter, probably the rest of my life because you're a complex person. And so no, this is not a one time thing. This is not a notch on my headboard or a trophy thing. I want to make love to you, Sam, now and for a long time. I want to treat you properly because I don't think that's happened too often before has it?"
Janet loves me. Janet wants me. She understands so much about me that it scares me a little. I mean, I'm still putting myself back together after Jolinar. But what that showed me, what Jolinar shared with me was the love that she had for the Tokra called Lantash and his host Martouf. A love that lasted longer than my lifetime. And I realised how empty my life was in comparison
And how different I want things to be
I know that this isn't anything to do with Jolinar, with what happened. This is what I want. This is what I have wanted for a long time. And after nearly dying when the ashrak killed Jolinar, after nearly spending the rest of my life in Hadante or in Shyla's naquida mine I know that I can't chance losing it. If I went to my death on my next mission in the knowledge that I never told Janet Fraiser that her smile lights up my day, that she is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last image in my thoughts before I go to sleep "Sam?"
I realise that I have been silent for rather longer than I should have been. "Sorry," I whisper, leaning over and kissing her. "Living in my head again. Thinking too much. But nice thoughts."
"Good."
I pull her closer to me so that she is almost on top of me. We rearrange ourselves until I am lying on my back on the couch with her half on her side and half on top of me. I realise again how small she is, how delicate and beautiful. Suddenly, she straddles me and I help her take off her top. She has seen me naked hundreds of times. I begin to wonder why some of my medical exams took so long. She is exquisite, full breasted but not too heavy. I reach up to unclasp her bra, pull it gently from her body. Her eyes are wide, pupil's dilated. I let my hands travel slowly across her creamy skin, watching her breasts change shape as they respond to my touch, to her growing excitement. I did this to her, I realise with something approaching awe. Just by touching her like so. She leans down over me, her hands resting on the arm of the couch and I capture one of her nipples in my mouth, experiencing the changing textures, the satin of her skin compared to the rougher texture of her nipples. I am aware that my own body is responding and she hasn't touched me yet. I am also aware that this couch just isn't big enough for what I want to do, not without spilling us onto the floor
Oh God. I nearly came just with her looking at me. There was something in her expression that I've only seen before when she's seen some piece of alien technology that she wants to take apart, to explore. What have I started here? But there is more than that. I think the only word I have for it is adoration
And her touch, when it comes, is so gentle, almost hesitant, feather light across my skin. We're going to have to take this upstairs very quickly, I think. I want to see her pay this much attention to my whole body, to every inch of my skin. And then I want to return the favour, to touch her as a lover, rather than a doctor
And I want to do it ever day for the rest of my life
I bend over her and she takes my nipple into her mouth, the other nipple gently rubbed and squeezed between her fingers, her other hand supporting my hip. I see stars
I pull away, grinning at the expression of disappointment on her face
"Bed." I get to my feet, my nipples hardening even further as her saliva dries on my skin
She looks at me for a moment. I watch her thought processes work their way across her face. "Bed," she agrees softly
This is it then. I take her by the hand and lead her up the stairs
END