Persephone 1

Upon This Winter Night With You

by Celievamp

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asc/celievamp1/persep01.php
Summary: Life goes on, but it can never be the same
Info: This is the sequel to the 'Grace' series of stories and events are an AU of season 8, set before Weir goes off on the Atlantis expedition. Janet Fraiser is alive and well and living in Colorado Springs.
Musical accompaniment: Song for a Winter's Night by Sarah MacLachan

Janet watched from the window as Sam meticulously cleared and gritted the path from the house to the car as she had every day of the current wintry spell. It was treacherous enough out for able bodied people but for someone reliant on crutches and callipers and whose sense of balance and reflexes were precarious at best, it was particularly hazardous. And Sam Carter was not one to take chances with those she loved. So before she went to work and as soon as she came back from the Mountain Sam made sure that the path from the house to the car and anywhere else Janet might need to venture was cleared and gritted. She hadn't said anything to Janet but Janet knew anyway that she had also paid the teenage son of one of the neighbours to check it when there was bad weather and keep it cleared if she was away for any reason.

This was Janet's second winter since the staff blast on P3X-666 had taken away most of her mobility. The first winter she had been in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation units and had missed most of the white stuff. Now she was just beginning to appreciate how much prolonged spells of bad weather simply cramped her style.

And made so much hard work for everyone else. Especially Sam. Not that her lover would think about complaining. Janet had no doubts about Sam's utter devotion to her.

Since her medical discharge from the Air Force four months ago, Janet had been working out of the Academy Hospital three days a week consulting on cases and carrying out research. She had even made it all the way up to the Mountain on a couple of occasions (and down into the depths of the SGC). General Hammond and Dr Weir had petitioned and the Pentagon had agreed that she keep her original security status which made life so much easier. Especially as it meant Sam didn't have to keep secrets from her.

Yesterday had been one of those days. It did feel strange going back to the Infirmary, her old stomping ground. Her replacement, Dr Pendleton, she found a bit of a cold fish. The way she had handled certain things had also called into question if not her actual competency then her temperamental suitability for somewhere like the SGC. Certainly everyone she saw seemed to go out of their way to tell her how much she was missed. She had also noted that certain areas she might need to visit had got distinctly more disabled-friendly than she remembered, including the appearance of a disabled cubicle in the toilet block next to the Infirmary. She suspected that Sam and probably Daniel had waved the relevant pieces of legislation under someone's nose at the Pentagon to release the funds for the alteration work and expedite its progress. She had half expected never to see the inside of the Mountain again as being too great a health and safety risk for everyone concerned.

She had to have an escort of course but Airman Pederson was pleasant and unobtrusive. He was new to the SGC since her departure but obviously knew exactly who she was and treat her with a deferential respect that made her feel like some elderly dowager.

She had not missed the surprised looks on the faces of some when she parked the chair, and got out of it albeit slowly, using her crutches and callipers to move around once she was in the Infirmary. She couldn't stay on her feet for very long but did it give her an extra dimension to her mobility. And brought her back to near her old height. Five foot two sounded much more impressive when your normal height was chair level.

Within half an hour it was as if she had never been away. Another two hours passed and her energy levels were completely zapped. She had almost collapsed before her former chief nurse Alicia realised what was going on and brought a swift end to the proceedings. The next thing Janet knew was that Sam was easing her back into her chair, talking to her softly but urgently. The pain was suddenly incredible, blinding, soulsucking. All she could do was whisper that she was sorry.

Then she was being lifted gently onto the bed in Sam's quarters, Sam carefully undressed her and unbuckled the callipers from her legs. "Janet, I'm going to give you a shot for the pain," Sam whispered. "I knew you'd do this to yourself, push yourself too hard." She gently eased Janet's body onto her side, aware that Janet was too cramped with pain to do it herself. Janet did not feel the injection, she knew that Sam had placed it carefully but a few seconds later she did feel the coolness spreading through her veins. The pain began to ebb. It never entirely went away. Sam had turned her onto her front and was carefully massaging her legs and lower back, easing the cramped and knotted muscles. Janet's physical therapist had shown her how to do it a couple of months before and as with most other things she turned her hand to, Sam had proved adept at it. Janet blessed her for it every day.

Between the drugs and the massage the pain eased to bearable levels. Sam must have sensed her relax. "How are you feeling, love?" she asked.

"Stupid," Janet confessed.

"I knew you would overdo it first time out," Sam said. "I'm just glad you didn't do yourself any serious damage. You're going to have to pace yourself, Janet. You're not... you're not the energiser bunny any more."

Janet let that comment slide, knowing it to be true even if she wasn't necessarily ready to accept it as so just yet. "How many people did you have primed to contact you if anything happened?" she asked.

"Ummm... all of them, I think. I sent out a memo yesterday," Sam said.

Janet's head shot up. "Sam! You sent out a memo about me!"

"Kidding... I'm kidding. No, Alicia promised me that she wouldn't leave your side whilst you were here. I didn't have to ask her. And Airman Pedersen, your escort, was under strict orders from Dr Weir to page me if anything happened. That's all, I swear." She dropped a soft kiss on Janet's shoulder. "Okay, you need to eat something to give those meds something to work on and then do you think you could sleep for a while?"

Janet could already feel her eyes getting heavy. "Don't think I'm going to have an option on that one." Sam helped her turn over again and sit, propped up with the pillows. There was a knock at the door. Unhurriedly, Sam laid a blanket over Janet's bare legs then went to answer the door. It was an SF with a tray of food, hot tomato soup and toasted cheese sandwiches. Janet managed about half of the soup and took a couple of bites of her sandwich before exhaustion overtook her. Sam helped her lie down again and turned down the lights.

"Stay until I fall asleep, please," Janet said drowsily.

"Sure, sweetheart," Sam said, lying down beside her lover, their heads on the same pillow. She reached out to stroke Janet's cheek with her fingers, letting her gentle touch further lull the exhausted woman. Within a few moments Janet was sleeping soundly. A few hours later Sam had woken her sufficiently to get her into her chair ready for the trip home. She had still been tired and woozy from the meds when they got home so Sam had helped her straight upstairs to bed. Janet had woken during the night and Sam had not been beside her. Raising herself up slightly she had looked around the room, spying her lover sitting in the big armchair by the window, her feet curled up under her. It was a full moon and she was looking out over the snowy garden. Janet was going to say something but then she realised that in the bright moonlight she could see her lover's face very clearly. She was crying. Silver tears glimmered down her cheeks and Janet could just hear the stifled sobs behind the hand that covered her mouth.

She had no idea what to say. Janet did not know if she was the cause of Sam's tears, in truth she did not want to know. She did not think she could cope with the answer right now. Quietly, she laid down again, steadfastly closing her eyes, willing herself to return to sleep, to forget what she had seen. She must have slept for when she opened her eyes a little later, Sam was back in bed beside her, fast asleep, her head almost on the same pillow, her hand inches away from Janet's. Janet let her fingers stroke down Sam's and they curled around her like a petal, like a baby clinging on to the finger of its parent, a gesture of such simple trust and love that Janet had carried with her down into sleep again.

And in the morning light everything did seem normal again. She could almost believe she had dreamt the scene. Almost. They went about their normal routine. Sam would set off for the Mountain in about half an hour, Janet had a meeting at the Academy Hospital at ten. They would both be home that evening.

It was cold enough that Sam's breath was frosting on the air though the physical exertion must be going some way to keeping her warm. Janet decided: she would make hot chocolate for them both, something to really warm Sam through before she went to work. She wondered what was going through her lover's mind that morning. Sam glanced up to see Janet watching her from the window and waved. Janet waved back then went to the front door. The cold air instantly chilled her face and arms. She detected no difference below the waist. That was the danger to her of these conditions. She could get serious frostbite and not notice.

"Sam, you're going to freeze if you stay out here much longer. The path is as clear as its going to be given that it'll probably start snowing again in a couple of minutes. Come inside. I'm going to make some hot chocolate."

"I'm nearly done," Sam said. "I'll be ten minutes at most. Hot chocolate sounds wonderful, though."

"Okay, you've got ten minutes. And then I'm coming out to drag you back inside."

Sam smothered a smile. At a guess her automatic threat assessment of Janet hadn't really impressed the blonde. "You got a deal. Now please, go inside before you freeze anything vital."

Janet blew her a kiss and wheeled herself back from the door before closing it and heading to the kitchen. This part of the house had been remodelled most extensively in the time that she was in the infirmary and the rehabilitation centre. Everything was designed to be used by someone in a wheelchair. Sam had not stinted on anything knowing that before her accident this had been Janet's favourite room, her own particular domain. Sam had often jokingly called her her very own 'domestic goddess'. And she had always enjoyed cooking, creating. And thanks to her lover's foresight she could still do the things she had always done. She still did most of the cooking. Which was good, for if such a thing were possible Cassie had inherited Sam's skills in the kitchen. Left to their own devices both women would live on take-out and snack food rather than attempt a home-cooked meal. And, she reflected, it was nice to have that to cling to in the maelstrom of change that characterised the rest of her life.

She heard Sam come into the house, taking off her boots and outer coat in the hall exclaiming about how much the temperature had dropped. Unbidden it came to her again, the image of Sam's face in the moonlight, the silver tears tracking down her cheeks, the depth of misery in those pale blue eyes. There was no sign of it this morning but she had seen what she had seen. And a cold feeling stole into her that no measure of hot chocolate or central heating would chase away.

******

Since their trip to Washington DC over the summer, Sam had deliberately eased back on the offworld missions, spending more time on earth in the labs, working with the examples of Goa'uld and Ancient technology that arrived through the Gate. And dealing with the Trust. Suddenly Earth had become every bit as dangerous as going offworld had once been. The newly-promoted General O'Neill was busy reshaping the SGC in light of the new reality with Dr Weir taking care of the day to day management and overseeing the preparations for the Atlantis expedition. SG1 remained a three-man team, but with Daniel increasingly busy liaising and consulting with the Atlantis expedition team and the fledgling Goa'uld alliance and Teal'c working offworld with Brata'c and the rebel Jaffa (and pursuing his relationship with Isht'a) they had only been on a handful of missions for them to go on. And Sam relished the extra lab time. And the ability to leave it all behind at the end of the day and go home to be with her love.

Her breath frosted on the air, the physical exertion keeping her warm. She glanced up to see Janet watching from the window and waved. A few seconds later she heard the front door open and Janet's voice came to her.

"Sam, you're going to freeze if you stay out here much longer. Come inside. I'm going to make some hot chocolate."

"I'm nearly done," Sam said. "I'll be ten minutes at most. Hot chocolate sounds wonderful, though."

"Okay, you've got ten minutes. And then I'm coming out to drag you back inside."

She would as well, Sam thought, smothering a smile. "You got a deal. Now please, go inside before you freeze yourself."

Janet blew her a kiss and then the door closed again.

Sam went back to shovelling salt and grit onto the frozen tarmac. A year ago she would not have even let Janet go into the kitchen on her own but she had learnt two important lessons since then. That Janet Fraiser's will was an elemental force of nature and that – yesterday not withstanding - she knew her limitations. If Janet needed help she would ask for it. Making two mugs of hot chocolate was well within her capabilities. Then she would wait for Sam to come in and do her sherpa act.

It was starting to snow again as she laid down the last shovelful of salt and made sure the path was free of any ice patches. Sam paused, gazed up at the leaden sky. It looked like it was set for the rest of the day. She blinked, shook her head, dislodging the flakes that were settling on her eyelashes. She realised that despite the heavy boots and thermal socks she could not feel her toes. Definitely time for that hot chocolate. She put the salt and grit and the shovel back into the garage and shut the door.

She slipped out of her boots and her outdoor clothes in the lobby and shivering slightly opened the door to the main house. It was comfortably warm: the heating had been on 24/7 for the last few days to combat the chill outside. She had timed it just right it seemed as Janet wheeled herself out from the kitchen. "The mugs are on the counter," she said. "I think there are still some cookies in the jar as well. I don't think Daniel quite cleaned us out the last time he was here."

Janet looked fine this morning, Sam reflected, well-rested and showing no sign of the strain she had put herself under yesterday. After she had gone to sleep in Sam's quarters, Sam had not moved from her side. Janet's face still had a tenseness to it and she knew that even with the medication, her lover was still in pain. She continued to stroke Janet's cheek with her fingers, trying not to think the unthinkable. That this was how it was always going to be. Janet's physical condition was never going to get any better than this.

The thought had haunted her on and off ever since. That it bothered her disgusted her. What kind of lover, what kind of partner was she to Janet to feel this way? One bad day and she was ready to do what... give up on her lover? She should be rejoicing, giving thanks every moment of every day that Janet was still with her. During the night she had woken from a dream of placing flowers on Janet's grave and she had had to get out of bed and sit by the window until she had got her tears back under control so that she would not wake Janet. She was pathetic. How could she be so cowardly when Janet was so strong?

The hot chocolate was wonderful, just the way she liked it. She gently blew on the surface for a moment to cool it before taking a long sip. She realised abruptly that Janet was watching her intently.

"Sam... is everything okay. Are..." Janet took a deep breath. "Are we okay?"

To hear her own self-doubts expressed aloud by her partner. Sam tightened her grip on her mug in case it fell from her fingers, heedless of the heat radiating from the china. "We're okay, Janet. Better than okay. Never doubt that."

"I wish I didn't have to, Sam, but... there isn't going to be a better time to say this than now so I'm just gonna say it. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for yesterday. I know... I KNOW I can't do the things I used to do, I haven't got the strength any more, never will have but sometimes, sometimes its just nice to forget that and get on with things. But then of course it all catches up with me and I crash. But you were there to catch me Sam. You were there, as you have been ever since this happened, and you were so gentle and careful with me, you took such good care of me, you always do, and that makes me worry that you're not taking good care of yourself, of your needs, Sam. I don't want to hold you back. I'd hate myself if I thought that... at the rehabilitation clinic we had a few sessions on relationships, on the problems that sudden lifechanging injuries like mine can bring to even the most stable and loving of relationships. Sam... last night, I was awake. I saw you crying and you looked so sad, so unhappy. I never want to make you unhappy, Sam, I love you too much for that too much to cling on to the memories of what we once had and ignore your feelings, your needs... I..."

"No, you're wrong, Janet, so wrong," Sam burst out. "You amaze me every day as to how well you're coping with this and I'm not... I get by. I do things for you because I love you and I never want to see you hurt again and... you should never have been there, Janet. If I wasn't so stupid and so self centred and full of myself, I should have been watching your six and this would not have happened. And you never blamed me once and you had every right, every right. And every time something like yesterday happens and you can't do what you used to do I feel it all over again. All. Over. Again." She took a deep shuddering breath. Her hands were shaking so hard that the contents of her mug spilled over her fingers. Carefully she set the mug down on the counter, wiping her wet fingers on her trousers. "I love you, Janet. So much. And I'm exactly where I want to be, where I need to be. I don't doubt you, your abilities to cope with what happened, you're amazing, a marvel. I would never doubt you. You're the strong one. I doubt myself."

"Don't." Janet said softly. She held out her hand to Sam who took it, drawing the taller woman closer until she dropped to her knees beside Janet's chair, her head resting in Janet's lap. "Don't doubt yourself, Sam. You're only human, beautifully human. You're not a saint, nor an angel, you're Sam. My Sam. Winter or Summer. Rain or shine..." The stormfront of the blizzard hit just then, punctuating her words. "Or snow. All your hard work, love. Look at it!"

Janet's arm rested on her shoulder, her fingers gentling through the short hair at the nape of her neck as they stared out into the whiteness. Both women knew from their long experience of Colorado weather that this was set for the day and that neither of them were going anywhere. The Mountain and the Hospital would just have to do without them today.

The falling snow was almost mesmerising. "Millions upon billions of flakes," Sam said, almost dreamily. "And they're all different. They've never been seen before, will never be seen again. You're like the snowflake, Janet. One of a kind. Irreplaceable," Sam said. "That's why we fought so hard for you. All of us. Not just me. There was never any question..." She paled, shuddered. "I can't imagine a life without you, Janet. I won't."

"You don't have to," Janet said, burying her face in Sam's shoulder. "You never have to. I'm going to be here for a long long time." And she would be as long as she avoided infection, kept working on her strength and mobility and kept taking the various meds she would lead a long and healthy life with the woman she loved. It would never be the life she had, but it was a life.

Next: Brightness Falls