Janet came to his side.
"I think I remember something. I'm not sure." Jack said. "I was back on Etnad and my knees hurt like a mother -- sorry. It's all hazy."
"Your memory trying to reassert itself might explain why you passed out." Janet said. "Just let me know if it gets any clearer."
"Sure thing, Doc." Jack said and gave the infirmary a glance over. He'd hoped Daniel would be here, by his side.
"He left a few minutes ago, after I gave you the all-clear."
"Who did?" Jack asked, feigning ignorance.
"How are you feeling?" Janet asked, letting it drop when she saw Jack grab his stomach.
"Peachy." Jack said and leaned over the bed and dry heaved.
Janet placed a pan on the floor for Jack and in the nick of time. Once Jack was done, she handed him a towel. He wiped his mouth.
"Colonel?" Janet said. "Do you remember vomiting, apart from just now?"
"This morning. Why?"
"I'm your doctor. I should know everything that goes on, that's all."
How about the fact that he wanted Daniel to ride him to Valhalla again? It was official, someone had thrown out his non-queer genes with the bathwater.
"How could I not be grossed out, Doc.?" Jack said. "I not only turned into a woman but everyone on-base and off-world knows I've been doing the fandango with my husband, Daniel. I foresee a court martial to end all court martial."
"So you'd be okay with it if no-one knew?" Janet said.
"No! That's not what I mean." Jack said, his pants on fire. "I'm as straight as a conservative republican born-again fundamental Christian..." And added, "...On Good Friday."
"I'd never suspected you for a homophobe, Colonel." Janet said.
"That's just it, Doc." Jack said, distressed. "I just found out I'm really not!"
"Oh." Janet said and repeated herself when she really got it. "Oh!"
"Yeah." Jack said, defeated.
"So your condition is not only physical. It's psychological as well?"
"Big time." Jack said.
"I could make an appointment with McKenzie...?"
"Please, anything but shrinks. I'm already fucked up as is."
Several hours and a bazillion tests later....
"That's it, Colonel." Janet said. "I should have your results in time for the briefing."
It's a good thing too, cause he was about to go kung-fu on her ass.
"You mean I'm free to go?" Jack said.
"I suggest you try and eat something."
"Don't think I can keep anything down."
"Try some soup."
"I will make sure O'Neill eats." Teal'c said from the door way, startling Jack.
"Teal'c, I -- " Jack said.
"Do you wish me to drag you along, O'Neill?" Teal'c said.
Jack wasn't sure if Teal'c was fooling around. He decided not to chance it. His boobs couldn't take another jarring.
"After you, O great master." Jack said, feigning reverence.
"Thank you, Teal'c." Janet said.
Teal'c nodded at Janet.
+++
There were more people in the commissary than Jack had even seen in there at any given time. Even more surprising was that no-one gave him a second look. His presence should have caused a cascading effect of gawks. He'd assumed that by now the entire base not only knew about his sex change but had gossiped about it until their mouths had caked over with calluses.
Jack placed his cup of soup on his tray and turned around. That's when Teal'c raised his hand and bellowed --
"Tauri, Kree!"
Everyone in the commissary stood up and bellowed rhythmically to Jack --
"For She's a Jolly Good Colonel!"
Jack's mortification stuck at 10100 add infinitum.
"For She's a Jolly Good Colonel!"
"For She's a Jolly Good Colonel!"
"Which Nobody Can Deny!"
"Which Nobody Can Deny!"
"Which Nobody Can Deny!"
"For She's a Jolly Good Colonel!"
"So Say All Of Us!"
"Tauri, Kree!" Teal'c said again and everyone saluted.
Somewhere between the mockery of a timeless song and the salute, he went from mortification to holding back tears. That he was this loved. Sniff. He would still kill whoever thought of humiliating him thus, but for right now his hormones had him. He set his tray on a near-by table and returned the salute.
"On behalf of SGC personnel," Teal'c said, "Welcome back home."
Teal'c's speech was followed by cat calls, applause and cheers.
He caught sight of Janet and Sam standing by the door. Janet winked at him and Sam mouthed --
"You go girl!"
-- before she and Janet ducked out.
Jack realized that Daniel was nowhere in sight. The applause died down and everyone went back to the business of eating.
Jack and Teal'c sat down at table.
"Frasier and Carter were behind this, weren't they?" Jack said, his desire to kill the conspirators returning.
"Once news of your survival spread," Teal'c said, "numerous personnel approached your close friends wishing to express in a ceremonious fashion how glad they were of your return. This method was deemed appropriate. I was voted lest likely to be harmed if I conducted the proceeding."
"When you were First Prime to Apophis," Jack said, "Did they cover the term 'Patsy?'"
Before Teal'c could answer, Jack drank his entire soup in one go. Even Teal'c was impressed.
Jack looked at Teal'c's mountain of food.
"You going to eat that?" Jack asked and took Teal'c's plate.
"I will get another." Teal'c said.
"Get another one for me too, would ya?" Jack said with a mouth full of meatloaf.
+++
"Say, Carter!" Jack said, springing off the corridor wall he'd been leaning on.
Sam stopped outside the locker room, one hand on the door knob.
"Sir?" Sam said. She looked worried.
"We'll discuss the commissary later." Jack said staring at Sam's chest. He should be turned on, but all he could think of was how nicely her boobs were held in place. He was so screwed.
"Sir?" Sam said, folding her arms over chest. "Was there something else you wanted?"
He pushed her into the locker room with him.
"What's your cup size?" Jack asked.
"What?!" Sam said.
"Here's the thing." Jack said. "With all that's been going on...."
"Yes...?"
"I need your bra." Jack said.
"Sir, I don't think -- "
"Not the one you're wearing Carter." Jack said. "A bra."
At Sam's confused look, Jack unzipped his jacket and swayed to demonstrate his request. His boobs took on a life of their own.
"That's very disturbing, sir."
"Can you help me or not?"
Sam reached into her locker and produced a bra. A lacy bra. A push-up lacy bra.
"Sorry. It's the only one I have left."
"Need I say that if you tell anyone about this, I'll have to shoot you?"
"Don't worry, sir. I'd shoot myself." Sam said and called out as she left. "See you at the briefing."
+++
Jack was seated opposite Janet and Teal'c in the briefing room. He had definitely overeaten because his waistband was cutting into his stomach. Carter was on his left, Hammond at the head of the table. And Daniel and Kevin were downwind from him; Daniel for being the libidinous prick that married him and Kevin for being The Bastard in love with the prick.
"I still don't see what he's doing here, sir." Jack said to Hammond, referring to Kevin.
"This concerns SG-1." Kevin said to Jack. "And last I checked, I'm the CO of SG-1."
And herein ensued a symphony of awkward glances. Jack mentally kicked himself for falling into that one. Score one for The Bastard.
Frasier came to the rescue.
"The DNA test results supports the transformation theory." Janet said. "Beatrice is Jack. Jack is Beatrice. The only difference is in the XY/XX chromosomes."
"Why would the Etnadians transform the Colonel into a female and plant him with false memories?" Sam said.
"It could be a cultural ritual of some sort." Daniel said. "A test of manhood?"
Kevin let slip a giggle and covered it with a cough.
"My manhood is intact thank you very much, Daniel." Jack said, eyes on The Bastard.
"Have you figured why Colonel O'Neill suddenly remembered who he was?" Hammond asked Janet.
"I think a chemical I had assumed was part of Beatrice's make up could be responsible, sir." Janet said. "When I re-examined the colonel, I found that the chemical had all but dissipated. I'm still waiting on results of some tests to find out why. But I think it's related to his memory gain. And once it's fully left his system, the colonel should regain his all his memory."
"How long, Doctor?" Hammond asked.
"It's hard to say, general." Janet said. "It could be seconds, minutes or hours."
"Sweet." Jack said. Maybe he shouldn't be celebrating. Suddenly remembering six months of wild space monkey sex could, in theory, make a grown man like him squeal like the woman he was.
"Was there any evidence that the Etnadians possessed the technology capable of this?" Hammond asked Carter.
"The U.A.V. didn't pick up any energy patterns to indicate that, sir." Carter said.
"And you didn't check once we got there?" Jack said to Sam. "I thought you scientists lived to discover crap like this."
Carter gave Jack a look that, if he had a dick, it would shriveled and fallen off.
"There was no time, O'Neill." Teal'c said.
"Gee." Jack said, turning to Daniel for the first time. "I wish we had a anthropologist or archaeologist with us at the time, who could have found out about strange cultural customs like turning guys into women."
"If you're insinuating that I failed to do my job -- " Daniel said.
"If the shoe fits!" Jack said. He was being an ass, but goddamn it situations like these were designed for the inner asses in all of us to shine.
"Colonel." Hammond said, warning Jack.
"You told me to find out about the Goa'uld first before 'playing' around." Daniel said, raising his voice.
"You never listen to me!" Jack said.
"You were right for once, Jack." Daniel said.
"For once?!" Jack said.
"If I hadn't followed your advice we would all be dead." Daniel said. "As it were, we just got into position before the attack!"
"Gentlemen!" Hammond said, nearing his breaking point.
Jack's memory came back without preamble, but with more intensity than a raging bull. He squealed at the top of his voice like the woman he was.
They looked at him as though he'd finally gone off his rocker.
"Colonel, are you all right?" Janet asked.
"Peachy." Jack said, turning bright red. "I just got my memory back." He added, making eye contact with Daniel.
"You did?" Daniel asked, turning bright red as well.
Kevin narrowed his eyes at Daniel and Jack.
That Daniel would have it in him to not only spank, handcuff, blindfold and role play Who's Your Goa'uld Daddy was too much for Jack to bear.
"What happened, Colonel?" Hammond asked Jack.
"It was an accident!" Jack said, with the right amount of alacrity needed to jar him out of his X-rated visions. "I accidentally triggered a device in the temple. Once I was transformed, the locals went berserk and --
"Berserk?" Kevin asked.
"You wanna tell it?" Jack replied to The Bastard and continued. "I just knew crap, like my name was Beatrice. They forced me out of the temple. Saying I should protect myself or some mumbo jumbo. That's when the temple exploded and you guys found me."
"It sounds like a sacred ritual." Daniel said.
"But why, I ask?" Jack said.
"You know what this means, right?" Sam said.
"That I didn't have a choice in choosing my name?" Jack said.
"It means the device is gone, Jack." Daniel said, adjusting his glasses. "You can't change back."
Jack saw his life flash before him in a montage of shopping for bras and creaming himself whenever Daniel was around. His inner ass stepped aside and allowed his inner child to weep.
"There's got to be a way." Jack said.
"The Tok'ra, might be able to help." Sam said.
"You don't sound too hopeful." Jack said.
Sam shrugged apologetically.
"Contact the Tok'ra, Major." Hammond said. "And the Asgard and any other of our allies you feel can help. Dismissed."
Jack got up and felt a sharp pain in his stomach. He doubled over in agony as the room faded to black.
+++Jack woke up in the infirmary. Janet was standing by his bed.
"Déjà vu." Jack said.
"Three times in one day." Janet said. "Colonel, are you trying to set a record?"
"Let me guess," Jack said. "The commissary food finally got its first victim?"
"First?" Janet said.
"I thought I wasn't doomed to pass out anymore since I got my memory back?" Jack asked.
"This wasn't caused by your memory."
Teal'c, Kevin, Sam and Daniel came in before Jack could ask Janet to clarify.
Daniel had his nose buried in a book in order to avoid eye contact with him At least, Jack suspected that was the case, since Daniel was holding the book upside down and all.
"Let me guess, the Tok'ra have better things to do?" Jack said to Sam.
Daniel flipped the book and peeked up to see if anyone noticed.
Sam's expression confirmed Jack's guess.
"But we're still waiting on the Asgard." Sam said.
"The doctor figure out why you fainted?" Kevin asked.
"I did not faint." Jack said. "Did I doc?"
"Well...there's more to it than that, Colonel." Janet said.
"See?" Jack said to Kevin The Bastard. "There is?" He asked Janet.
"I'd like to speak to the Colonel and Daniel alone please." Janet said.
"Why?' Jack asked.
"Colonel, I'd rather --" Janet said.
"For crying out loud, Doc." Jack said. "Just spill it. It's not like you can keep a secret in this place."
"Alright, Colonel," Janet said "The reason the chemical responsible for memory loss dissipated from your system is due to a rise in your estrogen levels."
"So?" Jack asked.
"Your abnormally rapid rise in estrogen levels is..." Janet faltered. "Really, Colonel, I think -- "
"You're killin' me here, doc!" Jack said.
"You're pregnant, Colonel." Janet said, rushing the words out.
"Umm...w-w-what?" Daniel said, snapping his book shut.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow, Sam's eyes were the size of basketballs, Kevin looked ill.
Jack's eyes turned into slits as they honed in on Daniel.
"You knocked me up?!" Jack said.
Part Two: Jack and Daniel
Daniel kept blinking under Jack's accusatory glare. All he could think of was that Jack was pregnant with his child. He suspected it was the absurdity of it all that kept him blinking.
"Wow," Sam said, breaking the silence. "Einstein was wrong; God does play dice with the universe."
"It would seem only with Daniel Jackson and O'Neill's," Teal'c said, clasping his hands behind his back.
"Just our luck," Kevin muttered, as the color returned to his face.
Jack ignored them with effort brought down from on high. He needed to be on his feet when he strangled Daniel. Before he was even half-way up, Janet stopped him with a firm push back down.
"Not so fast, Colonel," she said without looking up from her chart.
Daniel, acting on instinct, kept his distance.
"Ever heard of Trojans, Daniel?" Jack asked. "And I'm not talking about the Greeks."
"Actually," Daniel said and waffled off the point. "The Trojans were Anatolian. They fought against the Greeks."
"And that matters how?" Jack asked.
"Umm...let's see," Daniel said sardonically. He had one hand on his hip while the other waved his point. "The cradle of civilization for starters..." but meekly trailed into "....ah, you meant to this situation."
"And feel free to apologize any time here," Jack added.
"For what?" Daniel asked in a huff. "Impregnating my wife?" He wasn't going to let Jack bully him under cover of shock and indignation. It wasn't his fault Jack was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"No." Jack drew out the word. "For knocking up your CO! And don't give me any lip about not being military, you know what I mean."
"Oh well, in that case, sorry for knocking you up, Jack. But let's be fair, at the time you were yelling 'Don't stop! Harder! Fill me with your man-juice, Daniel!'"
From the look on everyone's face, Daniel guessed he had said that aloud. Jack looked as humiliated and horrified as he had ever seen him. Daniel didn't know how, but he was sure Jack had just manipulated the situation into his favor. Arrgh! Either way, he felt awful now. And he really had to apologize.
"I mean Bea was yelling...." Daniel said. "More like a soft shout really.... I'm not making it any better, am I?"
Sam shook her head and mouthed, "No."
Daniel tried to think of appropriate words in any of the twenty-three and three-quarters languages he spoke to convey the magnitude of 'sorry-ness' he felt but apparently when he was speechless it extended to his entire language database. He gave up the notion of speech and began gesturing volumes with the book he was holding. An apologetic epic in blank verse.
Jack's horror began to falter at the sight of Daniel trying so hard and looking utterly fuckable. He went straight for Plan B: The Mantra of Horror Fortification. He silently repeated 'I am horrified' in the vein of a salvation prayer until the words sounded foreign to his ears and he was left with only their primal fervor.
Daniel saw Jack's glare turned predatory and slowed down his gesturing like a freight train running out of steam. He came to rest with his arms clutching the book against his chest. There was only one option left; he furrowed his brows and pretended to think.
"Daniel?" Sam was concerned enough to placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Trust me, Carter, he's fine!" He clenched his jaw at the thought of Daniel trying to pull one over on him. "I can spot a fake Daniel 'brows furrow' any day."
"Huh...really?" Daniel's interest was genuinely peaked. He wondered if the giveaway was in his over emphasis. "Too much furrowing up top?"
"Let's call it a gift, shall we?" Jack's tone was acidic. Truth was the real one always induced a fear of digital projectors.
Jack was still eyeing Daniel when he felt his waistband tighten across his stomach.
"Umm...is it me, or did your stomach just...." Daniel made a face at Jack and glanced at everyone to help verify what he just saw.
"Grow." Janet finished, unfazed. She was the only one not surprised. "There's more."
"That more?" Daniel pointed to Jack's rounded stomach.
"I ask you," Jack said, slightly freaked, "how could there possibly be more?"
Daniel glanced at Jack in agreement.
"I'm with Jack on that one, Janet," Daniel said, and asked in singsong. "I mean really, what could be more than accidentally marrying your male best friend who was supposed to be dead but turned out to be your second chance at true love and your alien pregnant wife who no longer exits?"
Daniel's irritation flared when he saw that Teal'c was on the verge of giving him an answer.
"Well, obviously an accelerated rate of fetal development." Daniel said, barely beating Teal'c to it. He tilted his head back and tried to pinpoint the exact moment his life had become a pastiche of Shakespearean shenanigans.
"Nice summary." Jack said in sincerity, mildly surprised at himself for being impressed considering he wanted to kill the sperm spewing prick a minute ago. It turns out he couldn't stay mad at Daniel for longer than a couple of bouts.
"Uh...?" Daniel asked Jack. He was still distracted with pinning the point and had missed Jack's comment.
"People, please," Janet said determined to get on with it. "If this rate is sustained... Colonel, you'll give birth in less than forty-eight hours."
"To what?" Jack asked, alarmed.
"The child you have conceived with Daniel Jackson, O'Neill,"
"Colonel," Janet said before anyone had time to chastise Teal'c. "I assure --"
"No offense, Doc," Jack said, "but no amount of assurance can change the fact that when it comes to alien mojos and the Stargate, no kid has ever come out normal.... Not unless you count a nano-bomb, a dying lab experiment, a clone and a Harcesis, normal."
Sam flared her nostrils at the callous reference to Cassandra.
"Cassie," Janet said arms akimbo, "is more than a nano-bomb, Colonel."
"I did say 'no offense'."
But neither Janet nor Sam gave. Jack looked at Teal'c for support...not even a raised eyebrow.
"That was insensitive, Colonel," Kevin failed to hide his glee. "Cassie would be hurt if she ever knew you said that."
Daniel had to agree with Kevin, Jack knew better.
"Hey, how about giving me a break?" Jack said. "I'm the one who got screwed here." He waved his arms over his female form.
Daniel took pity on Jack when he saw Sam breathe fire out her nostrils and Janet reaching for a giant needle. He cleared his throat, batted his eyes at them and pulled a face.
Jack watched Sam and Janet give all the way to Timbuk-fucking-tu; Kevin drooled -- easy whore bastard that he was -- and Teal'c nodded his approval.
"There's no indication that the fetus is abnormal," Janet said, all apparently forgiven.
"Apart from its mother being Colonel O'Neill," Kevin said.
"And the gestation period is roughly six point seven times ten to the power of negative three," Sam said.
"How are you three helping again?" Janet asked Sam, Kevin and Teal'c.
"Sorry," Sam said. She looked hurt by how quickly her ally had turned foe.
"Sorry, Jan," Kevin said.
Jack eyed The Bastard. He'd just called her Jan. Nobody but close family friends called her that. This guy had wormed his way into Jack's life completely. No wonder everyone accepted his "death" so quickly. The Bastard was him, only younger, and with whiter teeth, jet black hair and probably a much bigger schlong to boot.
"I see no need to apologize," Teal'c said, after it appeared that everyone was waiting on him.
"Why don't you guys let the General know what's going on?" Janet's expression allowed for only one answer.
"Sure thing, Janet," Sam said. She looked at Jack, obviously searching for something to say.
"Don't say anything, Carter," he ordered.
Sam squeezed Daniel's shoulder as she shuffled out with Teal'c and Kevin.
Daniel turned his attention back to Jack but all he could see was his wife. God, he wanted her back.
Jack caught the look and it was as though he read Daniel's mind -- seven years of friendship and six months of matrimony would do that to a person.
"I guess I'm not the only one the Etnadians screwed, huh?" He shifted to one side of the bed, making room for Daniel.
Daniel sat down on the bed. He kept his head bowed and stared at his hands. He wanted to say so much. He'd been nagging Jack to talk to him from the get go and now that he got his nag, he couldn't even look at him. From his peripheral vision, he could make out Jack studying him. He dared a glanced at Jack and saw him staring back the way Bea had often stared when she was feeling amorous. And Daniel was lost.
Jack knew he was letting Daniel see right through him, hell he might as well be holding a dozen red roses and reciting a love poem but he couldn't stop himself. Alien doohickeys...they get you every time.
Janet cleared her throat. All three exchanged awkward glances.
Daniel finally shifted gears --
"A-A-Are they in any danger?" Daniel asked Janet.
"No, not that I can ascertain. The Colonel's body just needs an incredible amount of energy to keep up with the rate of fetal development."
"That explains why I ate enough for a mother ship full of Jaffas, earlier."
"And you'll need more, Colonel. I've arranged for the commissary to deliver food as needed. Also, bed rest until you deliver. Is that clear?"
"For two days?" Jack asked.
"The human body wasn't designed to handle what you're undergoing, Colonel. So lets not aggravate the situation."
"Doc," Jack said, shifting uncomfortably. "Not to tone down the excitement level on base, but is there any way, that I can get out this?" Fatherhood, which he'd willingly signed up for, had left him with one fatality, a casualty who still collected alimony and his life in a hand basket. Whatever motherhood held in store for him was better left to conjecture.
"Are you saying...?" Daniel asked in disbelief. "A-a-are you going to..."
Daniel thought of Jack as a lot of things, even selfish. But the inordinate amount of selfishness required for Jack to be implying what Daniel couldn't say was --
"Daniel, I'm pregnant with your kid. Gross doesn't even begin to cover this one."
Arrgh! He was that selfish!
"Umm...surly a human life is more important than 'grossness factor'." Daniel almost patted himself on the back at the level of diplomacy.
"You would think." Jack replied.
"Sir, if you had the choice to abort, I would have mentioned it. But there's too much going on here that I don't know. Any attempt to remove the fetus could result in your death."
"So you're saying...." Jack knew the answer he just didn't want to accept it.
"You're going to have the baby, sir. Now, put this on and I'll be back to check on you."
Janet placed a hospital gown on the bed and pulled the curtains closed behind her.
"I can't even believe you would consider an abortion, Jack," Daniel said quietly.
"Can't blame a girl...." He said as he got out of bed.
Daniel stared across the bed at him. Would kill Jack to listen to Janet for once?
Jack held up the up the hospital gown like it was the most offensive thing in the world.
"You think they could make them any breezier?" He asked referring to the slit in back of the gown that ran its entire length.
Daniel snatched the gown from him, rolled it up into a ball and threw it on the bed.
"What's the matter with you?!" Jack gasped.
"That's our child you're carrying," he said, ignoring him. "Doesn't -- shouldn't that count for something?"
"Don't get all moralistically high and mighty with me, Daniel," he said, leaning towards him. "I know what you're like in bed, remember?"
The images came hard and fast: Bea on all fours, him spanking her sweaty ass and jerking his cock raw; Bea bound and gagged, him thrusting deep within her and grunting 'who's your Goa'uld -- '
"What's your point?" Daniel held his head up high.
"You can be just as low brow and dirty as the rest of us." And silently added, 'so there!'
He conceded Jack's point with a shrug.
"Listen, Daniel," his voice had softened to an appeal. "This," he continued and placed his hand on his stomach, "was meant to be your kid and Bea's. Not mine. I had nothing to do it."
Jack picked up the gown again before adding --
"Besides, you want a kid with me as much as you want a Goa'uld in your head."
What Daniel hated more than anything else was when Jack, in all his infinite wisdom, was right.
"Jack this is a highly complicated --" he said, going for condescending rather than admitting Jack's rightness.
"Then I'll simplify it. I've been mojoed to want you. But you want Bea, who happens to be a figment of my creation. And no, we're not discussing it any further."
"In forty-eight hours we are going to become parents and we can't even --"
"What did I just say?"
"Jack --"
"Daniel, I dare you to go on!" His voice was low and fierce.
Daniel saw Jack's finger pull back repeatedly on an imaginary trigger and knew it was useless to talk to him in this state.
"Fine." Daniel said and stormed off.
"Back at ya!" Jack called out to him.
It had only been a few hours but Jack's stomach had morphed to look like he had swallowed Janet, who by the way, had spread cold goo on said stomach and was moving a "mouse" all around it.
"See, right there," Janet said, pointing to the ultrasound image of the baby on the monitor. "Looks normal."
"Doesn't it look a bit static-y?" Jack couldn't even tell if there was anything there. As if to prove its existence, the baby kicked on cue. He was only slightly less freaked than the first time it had happened. Janet, as always, held his hand.
"I think she/he didn't like you saying that," she said.
"Well...?"
"Well what?" She tried to look innocent.
"You know, well what, "he said. For some Janet-reason, she had avoided answering the question of the baby's sex. "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Don't you think Daniel should be here...?" Her eyes had gone all dreamy.
"Why?" If he waited on Daniel...well when that boy sulked, it could take days before he came around. Teal'c, Hammond, and Sam on the other hand had stopped by to check on him. Kevin predictably was a no show -- probably off fornicating somewhere.
"Well, you do have a thing for him."
"Alien doohickey at work here."
"You're right. You're right." But her eyes were still dreamy as she wiped the gel off his stomach and shut off the ultrasound.
Jacob whistled from the doorway and shook his head at Jack.
"George told me a complication had developed...." Jacob said. "Sorry kiddo but the Tok'ra can't help you on this one."
Of all the people in the galaxy Jack didn't want to see him like this.... Jacob Carter, retired USAF General, host to Tok'ra symbiote Selmak, and all around general smart-ass.
Jacob, anti-incidentally, was one of only two smart-asses in the galaxy capable of holding his own with Jack. Aris Boch actually tried to sell him to Sokar while Jacob only threatened to. Hence, by default and a little personal choice, Jack considered the smart-ass standing in front of him not only kin but a dear and respected friend as well.
"Then why'd you come?" Jack knew Jacob had come out of love and concern for a friend he'd thought died on a planet full of dead trees. But what were the chances that two smart-asses of galactic proportions would come right out and say they had missed each other?
Jacob lowered his head and raised it again, the telltale sign that Selmak, was going to speak.
"He wanted to gawk at you," Selmak said causally.
Selmak had a wicked sense of humor that suited Jack just fine.
"I did not!" Jacob yelled.
The switch from Selmak back to Jacob had happened so fast that Jack missed it.
"What did I tell you about blurting things out?" Jacob asked Selmak. Hoping to save face, he quickly added. "I wanted to see Sam."
Not even Janet looked like she bought that story.
"Nice to see you again, Jacob, Selmak," she called, smiling as she walked away.
"Really, Jacob, gating millions of intergalactic miles just to rubber-neck." Jack chided.
"Wouldn't you?"
"Not the point."
"It could be worse, you know."
"Name one thing worse."
"You could have a Goa'uld in your head."
"Okay, name two."
"You could be dead."
"Okay, three."
But Jacob had stopped playing. He pulled up a chair and lightly squeezed Jack's arm. Sam often did that, especially to Daniel when she wanted to convey deep emotions. Like father, like daughter.
"So you and Daniel -- " Jacob started to say with as much seriousness as a smart-ass could be with a kindred spirit.
"Oh, so not your business," Jack interrupted. Antarctica would thaw before he discussed his sex life as Daniel's wife with Jacob.
"If you would be more comfortable with a female...." Selmak began.
Or anyone else for that matter.
"No!" Jack said. "Thank you, though. Really."
"So, you remember everything?" Jacob was back after a slight nod of his head.
It sounded to Jack like Jacob was fishing for something. He played it safe.
"Not really," he said, and solidified the lie. "No."
Jack glanced at Jacob to see if he bought it.
"Nice try, but I got the full debriefing from George," he said and continued his questioning. "And you're okay with everyone?"
"What? Hammond leave that part out?"
Jacob was definitely fishing; Jack just needed to...A-ha! Sam! It had to be about her. Somehow Jacob was going to threaten him that if he had hurt Sam in the process of him becoming a woman...!
Proving once and for all that with or without aliens intertwined with their spines, fathers were myopically daughter-centric creatures of the most predicable kind. Jack paused his thoughts and gave a mental shudder; he was starting to sound like Daniel.
"We're all okay."
"Good," Jacob said and leaned in close. "Then I don't have to tell you that if you hurt Daniel by being the stubborn asshole that you are, hot babe or not, I will personally see to it you pay."
And then there was confusion. Daniel? When had Daniel usurped Sam as the center of Jacob's universe? And why was he thinking with words like usurped? And a double eww -- Jacob called him a hot babe!
"Selmak, Jacob!" Kevin called out as he graced them with his presence. "I heard you were around."
Jacob shot up and embraced Kevin. Jack could've sworn Jacob was too eager and embraced too tightly.
"How's my great warrior doing?" Selmak asked Kevin.
"Aw....hanging in there," Kevin answered bashfully before addressing Jacob again. "You're looking great."
"Thanks." Jacob was equally bashful.
Jack mentally did a double take.
"You should see this guy in action, Jack." Jacob called over his shoulder with a lopsided grinned.
"Can't wait." Jack said sarcastically. And noted that they stood closely together. Okay, these two had some threesome dynamics going on here that even his transsexual mojoed and space monkey-ed sex out brain couldn't hack.
"I think the galaxy is big enough for more than one great Tauri warrior, Jack."
"Can I get that in writing?" Jack asked with a halfhearted delivery. His brain was still crashing from weird Jacob/Selmak/Kevin vibes and how Kevin being in love with Daniel fitted in.
But Jacob and Kevin were already lost in their own world, chatting away, and Jack wasn't even sure if he existed to them anymore.
"Where's Sam?" Jacob asked.
"Where else?"
"Out on a hot date?"
They exchanged knowing looks and Jack was sure they just shared more than a personal joke about Carter's lack of a social life.
"I'll walk you to her, if you want," Kevin offered Jacob and Selmak.
"It will be our pleasure."
They left for the physics lab without so much as a "Later Jack".
Daniel had holed himself in his office since he left Jack. His plan was to remain there forever, thus solving all his problems.
"I said, 'I'm about to gate back.'" Jacob called.
Daniel looked up from his computer and saw Jacob standing just inside his office. He brightened up.
"Sorry," Daniel said. "Just got lost with...stuff." He tapped his monitor with the wrong end of his pencil.
"I thought I'd offer my assistance."
Daniel looked at his monitor. They were just simple Goa'uld glyphs....
"Oh, I've got it, thanks."
"With Jack."
"Jack? I though you said the Tok'ra couldn't help."
"We can't." Jacob picked up an artifact SG-11 had brought back from P4X-987.
Despite it being fragile, priceless and irreplaceable, Daniel was only slightly worried that Jacob would drop it. And for an archaeologist who needed a happy place to go to when people moved ancient things inappropriately, that was saying a lot. Jack had once eyed this same artifact as though he were going to touch it and that alone had sent Daniel into a panic that ended with Jack banned from his office for a week. Not that Jack actually stuck to the ban.
"Then what..?"
"When I first joined with Selmak, there was a man, Desh...." Jacob began but got distracted with a tablet engraved with a jackal and three other glyphs. He turned back to Daniel, "Anubis'?"
"Wep-wawet's .The jackal is standing. Anubis' jackal lies. It's a common mistake since they both share the major epitaph for the Lord of the Scared Land. But you know all this Jacob."
What was Jacob playing at?
"You said you could help with Jack?" He asked pointedly.
Daniel tried to contain his excitement. If Jacob could reverse things.... Jack could be Jack again and -- And then what? Would he still have Bea's feelings for him? And what if Jack stayed a woman forever? And what about their parenthood? Who would live with the child? How could Jacob possible help?
"Wonder where he is."
Daniel had often wondered himself whatever happened to the Goa'uld that had assumed the role of Wep-wawet or if any had. He forced him to not get sucked away form the point.
"Jacob, what about Jack?"
"Bear with me, Daniel. This not that easy for me." He replaced Wep-wawet's tablet. "Selmak and Desh were...let's just say...hot and heavy."
"Why?" He asked, adjusting his glasses.
"Because they were."
"Oh. Right. Go on." He said, feeling a tad moronic.
"I carry the memory of every intimate relationship Selmak ever had."
"You make it sound as though there were many." Selmak snorted. Jacob's eyes glowed, a sure sign that Selmak was miffed.
Daniel tensed. Even though the Tok'ra and Tauri were allies, the sight of glowing eyes still made him uncomfortable. And when he was caught off guard it always took him to the last time he'd been with Shau'ri. A silken tent with sand as it's foundation. Curled in the fetal position, facing each other and holding hands. Warm sand. It seemed the glow in her eyes had lingered long after the smoke from Teal'c's staff blast had dissipated.
"Selmak, do you mind?" Jacob paused and then continued. "Even now when Selmak finds men attractive, I...you know... feel it."
Once Daniel realized Jacob's reemergence brought him relief, he lowered his head to hide the red stains on his cheeks. He had been under the impression he was beyond that prejudice.
"You do?" Daniel muttered. "I guess you would have to. Considering you share the same body...."
"Admit it. Accept it, go with it and time will take care of everything else. Because in the end Selmak and I end up loving as one."
"That's umm...touching, if not a bit in appropriate ....huh." He said and furrowed his brows. "How does that help Jack, again?"
"You and Jack can be together if you want. It's not the end of the world." Jacob patted him on the back. And satisfied that his job was done added, "Later."
"You've got it all --" Daniel cut himself off before he could say "wrong".
He didn't want to be as narrow-minded as Jack and deny anything remotely sexual because of inbreed homophobic societal beliefs. Secondly, he was about to let the only person he could talk to about all this walk away. Sam was an option, but despite her attempts at hiding it, he'd noticed that she was having a hard time dealing with Jack not being hers.
"I-I-I know it's Jack but all the love I have for Bea is still there," he finally blurted out.
"And you've asked Jack how he wants to handle it?" Jacob returned without skipping a beat.
"Jack? It's always about Jack! I lost my wife today!"
He was ready to give a point by point -- and win of course - about how today was all about him and not that stupid son-of-a-bitch-Colonel.
"No you didn't. You just found out who she really was. And the fact that it's a guy scares the crap out of you. And Jack may think he's in charge but trust me, memory is a powerful thing. He's probably just as strung up on you as you are on him. I'm sure of this Daniel. I feel in love with Desh, a man I met in memory alone and I was as straight as they come for over fifty years. Go to Jack."
He walked to the door, then stopped, and added, "Oh and don't worry about Sam, she's a big girl."
"Hey." Daniel closed the curtain behind him. Jack was lying on his side and he looked like a beached baby whale. He'd missed most of the pregnancy already. No matter what happened between them, he wasn't going to miss the rest. "Are you asleep?"
"Yes," Jack said cautiously.
Daniel had finally returned to see him. He immediately forgot the bra problem that was keeping him awake and willed himself to remain calm. He was a volatile man when it came to Daniel. A man who struggled between his straight and mojoed genes. The word here was caution.
"I brought you back a steak from O'Malley's."
Daniel set a doggie bag next to a commissary tray with leftovers.
"Thanks," Jack mumbled, sitting up in bed.
"I would've brought it by sooner but..." Daniel waved off his explanation. "Actually it's being sitting in my office since --" He pulled back the cuff of his sleeve and glanced at his watch and raised his eyebrows. "Don't eat it!"
Jack had already taken a bite of the steak and was regurgitating it like a wild animal feeding it's young.
Daniel handed him a glass of apple juice from the tray, with an apologetic grimace. Jack snatched it from him and emptied it in two gulps.
"So, how are you doing?" Daniel began. When Jack eyed him, he added, "Apart from my attempted poisoning, that is."
"Bra's a bit tight but other than that...life's peachy." Jack fidgeted with his bra. He had neglected to remove it when he had changed into his hospital gown. Now his boobs had swollen to twice their original size and the once perfect-fit bra was slowly squeezing the life out of him. But the thought of unleashing the swollen pair was unthinkable.
"Oh! Here, let me --" Daniel got up to help.
"I think you've done enough." Jack gestured to his stomach. He tried glaring at Daniel but it came off as a lingering gaze. Curse his mojoed brain.
Daniel walked to the head of the bed, standing just slightly behind Jack. He moved to unclasp Jack's bra through the opening in the back of the hospital gown, but Jack resisted.
"What are you doing?!" Jack asked. He was creaming himself as he spoke. He reached back but Daniel slapped his hand away, nudged him forward and gained access to the bra.
"Daniel!"
"Stop squirming or I'll --"
"Spank me?" Jack challenged, sure to get a blush from him.
Daniel called Jack's bluff. He pulled Jack back against the pillows and peered down at him.
"Yes. Very hard," Daniel said softly, holding his stare. "And repeatedly."
Daniel took advantage of Jack's frozen state of shock and pushed him forward and unhooked the bra.
Jack felt his boobs fall gently into freedom and he sighed in relief.
Daniel tried to look away. He tried to not think about the curve of Jack's breasts, or how his hard nipples were visible through the flimsy gown, but it was too late, his dick was already hard. And he was standing right in front of Jack.
It is a well known fact that when a man's volatility is tested in such a brazen manner as to have a harden cock, straining against fabric, placed in front of him, that man, be it one trapped inside a woman, is within his alien mojoed rights to grab said cock with every intention of sucking it dry. And that's exactly what Jack intended to do. Exercise his rights.
He reached out and lightly caressed the length of Daniel and savored the action as the memory of his dick came back to him. He was getting off on himself and Daniel at the same time.
Daniel closed his eyes. His hand naturally went to the back of Jack's head and gently pulled him closer to his dick. He knew Jack didn't have a choice in the matter. He was taking advantage....
"Jack." His breathing was labored, and he pulled away.
"No, Daniel, I want to." He reached for Daniel's zipper.
Daniel moved out of reach.
"I'm sorry Jack, but we can't do this."
"Why can't you just accept things? Teal'c would've --" Jack cut himself short and shook that imagine out of his head. "Okay, bad example. Daniel this whole thing kinda...you know.... Let's do it. Right here. It's the middle of the night, the curtains are drawn...we'll be quiet."
"Jack, listen to yourself. That's not you. That's the effect of the transformation talking."
"Daniel," Jack said firmly. He wanted to say that even if he were back to being a guy and his old self, he would still be reaching for Daniel's cock. "I don't care."
"I do."
"Okay," Jack conceded, "I do too care. But that doesn't change the fact that you were the best sex of my life." And to make sure Daniel understood the magnitude of it all, he added, "Ever."
"Really?" Daniel asked. He remembered Jack pinching himself, god was it just that morning? He had been that good after all. Maybe Jacob was right; things could work out -- Wait a minute.
"So this is about sex?" Daniel was poised to unleash his disdain on him.
"Yes!" Jack yelled. Finally! Valhalla! But knew that was the wrong answer when he saw Daniel's expression. Why couldn't he ever read Daniel when it really mattered?
Daniel's eyes had turned hard and gone a deeper shade of blue. And when he spoke, his voice trembled from barely restrained anger.
"I am tortured because I find myself still in love with you when I know you are no longer Bea but Jack. And it's all about sex to you?!"
The last time Jack witness such Daniel-fury, Anubis was about to blow up Abydos and the force was still strong with Daniel.
"No!" Jack said. But Daniel still looked like a Being about to do major damage to an ancient god. "Hey, I mean no, Daniel."
Jack reached out and took his hand. Daniel's eyes still burnt with anger.
"Of course not." Jack said softly. "There's more to it than just that. Gees, Daniel, it's hard enough admitting that to myself, much less to you. I want you, body, mind and soul. Happy now?"
Daniel closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them again they could have been the eyes of an innocent child.
"You're not yourself."
"So anything I say doesn't hold? But what you say does?"
Daniel nodded.
"Well, that's fair," Jack said, sarcastic to the last letter. He sighed to clear his tone. "As a guy, I would never have considered you in that way, you're right. But I'm a woman now and will probably stay one the rest of my life. I can't go back to the Jack I was before any of this happened because I was sexually active and in love with you for six months, not to mention I'm pregnant with your child. Even if Thor beamed down and said he could changed me back to a guy, I will still have these feelings and memories forever.
"Jack, you're still under the influ --"
"Daniel, as Bea I could have chosen any guy," Jack impatiently pointed out. For some one with triple PhDs and an IQ off the scales, Daniel could be so clueless. "But I proposed to you and you accepted."
"So you're saying we always had a thing for each other?" Daniel asked, scrunching up his face and not quite warping his mind around it.
"As far as two straight guys could."
"And once you became a woman you naturally went for...."
Daniel plopped down next to Jack on the bed. Jack imagined reading Daniel's thoughts. He liked what he read.
They sat quietly for a while until --
"Where'd you get a push bra any way?" Daniel asked. "I know you don't own one."
Jack was about to avoid answering, when the baby kicked.
"There she/he goes again," Jack put his hand on his stomach like that could stop the baby from kicking. "Between you and me, I have a feeling this little sucker isn't going to wait much longer."
"She/he...?" He envied the way Jack was already comfortable with their baby.
"Blame Janet. She won't tell me."
"Hmm...why?"
"That's what I asked." Jack held his stomach as the baby kicked again.
"May I?"
"Might as well." Jack said, and added with a smile. "You're the daddy."
Daniel placed his hand on Jack's stomach. He inhaled sharply when he felt his child kick. His eyes washed in tears as he gently laid his head on Jack's stomach and listened.
Daniel opened his eyes slowly and raised his head. He was seated next to the bed and had used it as a pillow. He'd fallen asleep with his glasses again and they sat askew on his face making half his vision blurry.
"Rise and shine, space monkey," Jack said. He was seated in bed and had been staring at Daniel sleeping for the past few minutes.
Daniel furrowed his brows as he sat up and he straightened his glasses. Jack knew it was a genuine non-sleepy brows furrow when he was suddenly overwhelmed with the fear of digital projectors.
"Nothing, nothing," Daniel waved him off when he saw Jack's alarmed look. He must have been dreaming. "Dream."
"Was I in it?"
Daniel furrowed again. He was awake, yet Jack --
"Would you stop doing that?"
Daniel was up on his feet so fast he knocked back the chair.
"What? Tell me I don't have something weird growing out of his head."
"Oh, Janet!" Daniel called. Nothing was ever simple with Jack and him. Sam was right. Whenever God thought of Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson and universe, She was overcome with the desire to play a game of craps. "It's going to be okay Jack, just -- Janet!"
The curtains whisked away and Janet stood battle ready like Napoleon with several nurses flanking her.
"Janet, Daniel's gone off his rocker!" Jack tattletale-d before Daniel could explain the problem.
Janet looked at Jack and then at Daniel, alarmed.
"See?!" Daniel outstretched his arms at Jack as though he were presenting him before an audience.
"When did this start?" Janet asked. She whipped out her flashlight pen and was dilating Jack's pupil before Jack had the chance to blink.
"Ow!" Jack said in a whiny voice. "That stings, you know!"
"He just woke up and said 'rise and shine, space monkey'."
"Space monkey?" Nurse Kate's confused voice drifted in from right flank.
"Actually, he said 'Praise Ra and set forth his rays, human-like creature of the heavens.'"
"Did not!" Jack said. Why would he praise a freaking Goa'uld. What was wrong with Daniel?
"Jack, can you understand me?" Janet asked.
"Of course I can!"
"He says he can." Daniel interpreting to Janet.
"Daniel --" Jack started.
"Jack," Daniel cut him off. "You're not speaking English. A bunch of ancient languages but definitely not English."
Jack remembered the last time he spoke in an ancient language and he broke into a cold sweat. He concentrated and thought logically that if he could hear himself speak English, then he could say it out loud in English.
"Am I speaking English now?"
Daniel couldn't help but think Jack speaking Abydoian with a faint Minnesota accent was the most erotic thing on or off planet.
Hammond and SG-1 had gathered in a corner of the infirmary after the new developments and where trying to figure things out. Jack was cursing up storms and dirty devils in various languages at Janet and the nurses as they fussed with him and ran more tests.
"Okay, so far, he has only spoken ancient Earth languages, right?" Sam glanced at everyone, her eyes bright and excited.
Daniel waited. When Sam verified her data with the group, it always meant she was about to state her hypotheses.
"And those from worlds we've gated to," Kevin added.
"Right," Sam agreed, smiling.
She loved it when everyone played along, Daniel was just surprised that Kevin was playing. Hell he was being down right helpful. He'd dropped the snide remarks about Jack and wasn't giving Daniel sultry looks anymore. He seemed pensive. They hadn't spoken since Jack emerged in Bea and all three of them acted out how mature they really were in his office. Daniel made a note to have a talk with Kevin if only to make sure everything was all right with him.
"Doctor Jackson?" Hammond asked.
"Huh?" Daniel pulled his attention back to the whole group.
"I said, don't you think that's odd?" She demanded from Daniel.
She always got pushy when people missed their cues.
"No odder than the time the Ancients' repository had him speaking their language."
"But you didn't understand him. You had to learn the language."
"What's your point, Major?" Hammond asked.
"Daniel," Jack yelled, "tell 'em there's nothing wrong with me!"
"Only, if you can say that in English, Jack." Daniel called back. "Go on, Sam."
"I believe I see where Major Carter is headed," Teal'c said. "If this is a side effect of the Etnadian device, Daniel Jackson, would O'Neill then not speak a variety of languages common to the Etnadians and not ones restricted to Earth and the worlds we have visited?"
"Exactly, Teal'c." Sam looked like she was going to hug him or at the very least give him a chocolate chip cookie.
Daniel nearly swore out loud as it clicked with him --
"I'm the link."
Hammond on the other hand was three clicks behind.
"I still don't get it, people." Hammond sounded exasperated. "Is the Colonel in any danger or not?"
"I don't think so, sir." Sam said. "It's just that --"
"Colonel O'Neill is only speaking Daniel's languages," Kevin finished for her.
"Which means the Etnadian device isn't causing this, sir." Sam said. "Something else is."
"What, Major?" Hammond asked.
Jack looked at his stomach and then at SG-1, his doctor and commanding officer.
"I told you guys Stargates and kids don't mix." Jack felt vindicated.
Everyone looked at Daniel for a translation.
"He said he's grateful we came up with the cause."
"No, I didn't."
Daniel didn't bother translating.
"I still don't see how the baby could be the cause of this," Janet said "I've done three ultrasounds and they all came out perfectly normal!"
"Janet, that's the only plausible explanation." Sam defended her theory.
Jack suddenly felt pain, worse than boobs bouncing, worse than a swift kick in the nuts, worse than watching hockey without cold beer.
"Daniel!" Jack screamed at the top of his voice.
"I'm here, Jack." Daniel grabbing his hand. "What's wrong?"
"It hurts," Jack whispered between clenched teeth.
"Doctor?" Hammond called, urging Janet to do something.
But as always Janet was already two steps ahead. She snapped on a pair of gloves and was feeling the sides of Jack's stomach.
"Does this hurt, Colonel?" She applied pressure to his stomach.
"What'd ya think?"
She reached under his gown to check if her suspicions were correct. Sam politely looked away.
Janet removed her hand and yanked off the gloves. Everyone eagerly awaited her diagnosis.
"I'm not sure." Janet remained calm and professional, but her eyes danced back and forth as she explained to Hammond and company. "He isn't dilated, but he's having rapid contractions. He might have gone into --" Janet stopped when she noticed the light.
Jack's stomach had started to glow and radiate a yellowish brilliant light.
"Labor," Janet finished in awe.
"Holy Hanna!"
"What is it?" Kevin asked, as the light got brighter.
Jack gave a gut-wrenching scream and squeezed the hell out of Daniel's hand.
The light emerged out of Jack's stomach in the shape of a baby and hovered in mid-air. It slowly unfurled and extended tendrils as it grew.
Daniel's mouth was hanging wide open. Jack just gave birth to an Ascended being. Their child was born Ascended!
The Ascended child floated around the room, going face to face with everyone as though saying hello. No one said anything. Kevin backed away, Sam smiled apprehensively and Teal'c bowed his head. It headed towards two SFs by the door and Daniel yelled --
"Lower your weapons!"
"Do it!" Hammond commanded them, after they hesitated.
The SFs reluctantly put their P-90s on the floor and backed away.
The Ascended child floated back towards Jack and Daniel. It stopped at the foot of the bed and incarnated into a little girl of about twelve. She wore a hood-less white robe. She had short black hair, brilliant blue eyes and looked a little like Jack.
"Hi," She said and waved to Jack and Daniel.
Jack yanked his hand out of Daniel's and wagged his finger at her.
"You are so in BIG trouble!"
She looked sheepishly down at her bare feet before glancing back up at them through long curved lashes.
"Jack, do you really think it's wise to threaten her right now?" Daniel asked. Wasn't he even in the least bit in awe that he just gave birth to an ascended being? Did nothing phase him?
Daniel understood, or at least he thought he remembered that he once understood what it was to be an ascended. But to be born one? What was that like? He locked eyes with her and they seemed to simultaneously have multitudes of conversations in a fraction of a second. Yet he had so many more questions left to ask her.
"Can it, Daniel." Jack already passed awe ages ago. In the process of the birth, she had shared everything him, including what seemed like a whole lifetime. She had Daniel's sensibilities and his own sense of humor. He loved her beyond words. But she was still in trouble and she knew it. "She's responsible for all of it. Well not 'all of it' all of it. But most of it, all of it."
Jack looked around the room but it seemed everyone was still slightly freaked by the whole birth of an ascended thing. The only other functional person in the room was Daniel.
"What my mother is trying to say is that I accelerated the pregnancy," she said to everyone and answered Janet before she could pose her question. "Because I wanted to be born sooner."
"She read my mind." Janet was surprised.
"Only what you wanted me to."
"She's been messing with my mind the whole time!" Jack said.
"I'm sorry, but I got bored." She pulled off a perfect Daniel pout. "You would be too if you had all the knowledge of a Colonel and a once Ascended being but were trapped in a womb."
"Did I cause you?" Daniel finally asked.
"You believe I'm a coincidence?"
"No, I guess I don't."
"I'd love to stay and chat with all of you but, I've got a long journey ahead. I'm off in search of Oma Desala." She added mentally to Daniel, 'I too, have lots of questions'.
"I'm sorry, but I can't let you go," Hammond apologized. "You are a security risk to this facility."
"I promise not to tell," she said in an unquestionable manner. "I'll be back when I have the answers I seek."
She glowed and slowly turned back into the transcendental light of an ascended.
"Hey, I'm not done with you, young lady!" Jack yelled. "Come back here."
She floated to Jack and wrapped herself around him, engulfing him completely. When she unfurled everyone gasped.
Jack looked down at himself. He rubbed his chest, no boobs. He actually grabbed his dick in the presence of all his friends and CO and yelled --
"Yes! Thank you!"
She shone brightly and jettisoned through a wall.
"Make sure she gets through the Stargate without incident," Hammond ordered the airmen.
Jack jumped out of the bed, holding his gown shut in the back with one hand, and saluted Hammond with the other.
"Sir, permission to return to active duty!"
Jack was headed to Daniel's office. Daniel had slipped away with Kevin right after Hammond had ordered him to under go more tests to make sure he was back to normal. He was eager to talk to Daniel about their daughter but he wasn't sure what he was going to say about their relationship. His feelings for Daniel hadn't changed but he was a guy now and thing were different as a guy. Besides he had his career to think of.
"I guess you want your command back?" Kevin asked, as he fell in step with Jack.
Where'd The Bastard come from? And what'd he do with Daniel?
"What'd you think?" Jack replied, not breaking stride.
"That you're a pretty good kisser."
Jack slammed him into the wall. He held his forearm against Kevin's throat.
"I am so not interested and neither is Daniel." Jack increased the pressure to his throat. "Got that?"
"Sirs?" an airman asked, worried. Other airmen had also stopped and a small crowd was forming.
"As you were, airmen!" Kevin ordered, choking out every word. "That's an order!"
The airmen all hurried away.
Kevin returned his attention to Jack and smiled. Jack loosened his hold and Kevin grabbed Jack's arm.
Before Jack knew it he was up against the wall with the left side of his face flattened. Kevin was good.
Kevin pressed his mouth to Jack's right ear.
"I've got more on my mind than the afflictions of unrequited love. Got it?"
For an answer, Jack head butted him with the back of his head. Kevin staggered backwards.
Jack sprang off the wall and cocked his arm back. He was ready to break the bastard's nose when Teal'c and Daniel rounded the corner.
"O'Neill!" Teal'c yelled.
Jack stopped in mid-strike. He lowered his arm.
"Really, Jack," Daniel said. Yeah Jack was back to being a guy all right. He could smell the testosterone a mile a away. The fact that this man just gave birth to an ascended being should have made him more enlighten. Should have. "Of all the macho crap..."
"He started it!" Jack pointed accusingly Kevin.
"Kevin are you okay?" Daniel brushed passed Jack to Kevin and checked him over.
"What about me?" Jack demanded like a child feeling left out.
"This is no way to treat Colonel Lieberman." Teal'c said. "A man who is willingly handing back your command."
"What?" Jack gave Kevin a suspicious look. "Why?"
"I got a better offer."
"Doing what?" Jack knew that there were no better deals in the galaxy. He'd checked.
"Like you give a crap."
"Truer words...." Jack conceded.
Kevin turned to Daniel --
"Thanks for everything, Daniel."
"Anytime." Daniel hugged him.
Jack wasn't nearly as bothered as he thought he was going to be at the sight of Daniel hugging Kevin. Maybe his feelings had changed after all. He needed to talk to Daniel.
Teal'c and Kevin walked on.
"What's that all about?"
Daniel couldn't believe he had deluded himself into think he could have a relationship with Jack. Jack as a man made things different. The softness Bea had was gone and in its place was a hardened grey haired excuse for a man.
"We have to talk." Daniel said, his lips sterns.
"Yeah we do."
About an hour later, Jack and Daniel were back at Jack's house. They were seated on old blankets spread on the floor, sipping beer and watching embers from a once roaring fire.
"Our daughter doesn't have a name," Daniel said out of the blue.
"What do you wanna call her?"
"How about Aphrodite?"
"Maybe we should wait and ask her." The last thing Jack wanted was Daniel to name her some mythological weirdo name.
"You know, technically, we're still married." Daniel said. He finally hit on the topic of their relationship, something they had both being avoiding. "I could file for annulment, I'm sure Hammond could help us sort it out with the state."
"Our daughter deserves to have married parents."
Daniel nodded his agreement. He took another sip of his beer and shivered.
Jack figured that was his cue to put more wood in the fireplace. He piled on the wood and nursed the fire back to life.
"She's gone." Daniel said. "Like Shau'ri and Bea."
"Daniel, our daughter will be back. She said so."
Jack sat back down next to Daniel and resumed sipping his beer.
"I know. Still. She's not here. I miss her. She used to leave me coffee flavored candy all over the house for me to find." Daniel realized he wasn't talking about their daughter anymore.
"I remember."
Daniel slowly faced Jack and looked into Jack's eyes. He expected to see Bea but he saw only Jack. Plain unenlightened old Jack.
Jack saw the disappointment in Daniel's eyes but leaned in to kiss him anyway. He had to know for sure if as a guy, he could still go there with Daniel.
At the last minute they both pulled away.
"I'm not sure if I can...you know." Daniel's index finger pointed up.
"Got ya."
"How about you?"
"Me neither."
They continued staring into the fire.
"What were we thinking?!" Jack asked. "We're two straight guys, for crying out loud."
"We were making the best of bad situations."
"And I was kinda mojoed out."
"You looked like my wife. I was reaching."
"Don't beat yourself up, so was I."
"Did we really want to...?" Daniel asked in disbelief.
"I even said I would if I ever got changed back, remember?" Jack made fun of himself.
"Yeah, like where would I even put it?" Daniel asked with a chuckle. Once he realized what he'd said, he turned slightly red and muttered. "Never mind, don't answer that."
"Oh, I wasn't going to."
The fire had warmed up the room again.
"What makes you think you would be the one doing the putting anyway?" Jack asked.
"You were the woman."
"Not anymore."
They sipped their beer.
"Why do you think Kevin agreed to it? I know it wasn't to give me my command back."
"Ruhan was dying and the Tok'ra needed a great warrior host."
"Yes, but why? He wasn't the one dying!
"Jacob asked to him."
"So?" Jack asked. Jacob had asked him to do a number of things. Doesn't mean he did it.
"He and Jacob are close friends and Ruhan means a lot not only to the Tok'ra but personally to Jacob."
Wow. Kevin had blended with a snake for the sake of his friend. Kevin was more honorable than most men Jack had encountered, himself included.
"Just when you have a guy pegged as a selfish bastard.... Say did you get any vibes about Jacob and Kevin, if you know what I mean?"
"It's none of your business, Jack."
"So, you know something."
Daniel sipped his beer.
Jack tried another approach to get the info.
"Does Sam know that her father has a thing for Kevin?"
"Jack, I'm not going to gossip."
"Why not?"
"Because."
"Daniel, just tell."
"Nope."
"Fine, I'll tickle it out of you." Jack said. One of the things he gained during his time with Daniel as Bea was knowledge that when it came to tickling, Daniel turned to putty if the right spot was attacked.
Daniel saw the glint in Jack's eyes.
"Don't you dare!"
But Jack already had his hands between Daniel's second and third ribs. Daniel tried to keep a straight face. His lips quivered from the effort. He finally bust out laughing. Daniel was laughing so hard, he collapsed onto the ground, taking Jack with him.
It went from funny to sexual in a split.
They leaned in at the same time. When their lips meet, the intended soft peck became a passionate kiss that wouldn't end. And when their passion turned urgent, their hands got involved and they touched and rubbed every part of each other's bodies. And when their hands seemed inadequate they added embracing. And when it became clear that their clothes were a barrier, they rolled around on the blanket tearing shirt and pants from torso and limb.
There was no time to stop and think. Things progressed at rates beyond hyper-speed.
Daniel was so hard he was sure his cock would split in two. Jack was lying on his back and Daniel was straddling him, grinding and rubbing his cock against Jack's. He pulled Jack's boxers off and spread Jack's butt checks. He lowered his head and was licking and sucking Jack's asshole with the same craze excitement he would a vagina.
Jack moaned. He relaxed and gave into Daniel's tongue and lips. His cock was so excited it was beating back and forth against his stomach.
"Oh, Daniel," Jack sighed, barely audible.
Daniel stopped only when his tongue ached with exhaustion and even then it was only because he was sure Jack's ass was so relaxed and well lubricated with his spit that he could stuff his cock into Jack with very little effort. Daniel didn't bother taking off his BVDs, he pulled his balls and cock out over the waistband and spat into his hands. He smeared his spit along his shaft and flung Jack's right leg over his shoulder. Daniel hesitated.
"Nudge it in." Jack was already on the road to Valhalla.
That was all the permission Daniel sought and received. He was in with a firm push and soft groan. He found his rhythm within seconds and rode Jack hard and fast, finding new depth with each stroke.
Jack grabbed his throbbing cock and jerked it until he was going to explode.
"Daniel?!" he called, begging permission to come.
"Yes, Jack! I'm with you!" Daniel cried as they came together.
Daniel collapsed onto Jack before sliding down next to him. He wrapped his arms around Jack and pulled him in close.
"I love you, Jack."
"I love you too, Daniel."
The End
