Inside

by Dr. McKay

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asd/drmckay/inside.php
Summary: Inside the mind of one of Atlantisis finest

Hurt

They think I don't hear their rude comments and cruel jokes, everything they know they can't say around me. They assume once the doors close that I'm deaf. That's where they're wrong. Flying a Jumper isn't the only cool thing about having the ATA gene. All I have to do is concentrate, and it's like I'm still in the room with them. They don't know how powerful this gene is or how much their comments are. Even Teyla and Ford make them. So does he. He doesn't know that they hurt most coming from him.

Thought

I want to know how he can act like this. I know we've never really gotten along, but I always thought we were friends. It always surprises me how wrong I can be at times. Even after I saved his life, he still can't stand me. So I question what he says and does. I only do it when I think he could be putting us all in danger. He does it to me all the time. And more often than not he's right and I won't admit it. It's not like he doesn't do the same to me.

Conversation

I go and talk to the one person in Atlantis I know will listen to me. It's late when I arrive at his lab but he's still there. Like me, he's always on call and running on little sleep. God help us when we run out of coffee, but I'm off topic. He walks over to greet me and asks if I'm all right. I assure him that, physically at least, I'm fine. We sit and everything I've kept locked up inside spills out. He pats me on the shoulder and lets me in on what's really going on here.

Alone?

It's hard to believe all this crap started because I'm not with anybody. So I go to bed alone, since when is that a crime? There's no one here that I want to be with. Ok, so there is but I highly doubt they would want to be with me or believe I want to be with them. And even if they did, more rumors would start, maybe even violence. Does "don't ask, don't tell" even apply here in Atlantis? Maybe I should just go tell him how I feel. I mean, really, wha't the worst that could happen?

Talk

I don't know how Carson talked me into doing this, but here I am out side I his quarters. It would be so easy to use my ATA gene and open his door and tell him how I feel. It would be just as easy to turn and walk away. No, that would only delay the inevitable. I think of all the reasons not to do this. There are so many, like being rejected. But there is also the possibility that Carson was right. I knock on his door and wait. He answers and I say, "We really need to talk Rodney."

Truth

He steps aside and I walk in. His room is very neat, too neat in fact, nothing like I expected. He must not spend much time here. I spot a chair and sit down while Rodney walks over and sits on his bed. "So what's this about, Major?" Like he doesn't already know. For someone so smart he sure is dumb. "I had a talk with Carson tonight." "Really? About what?" "About you actually, and things you have been saying about me. Carson says he knows why." "Well Major, I don't know what to say except that he's right. It's all true."

Internalization

He just throws it out there like that. I can't believe Carson was right. He had Rodney drugged up one day and Rodney told him he loves me. But people say a lot of things when they are highly medicated, how'd Carson know it was true? To tell you the truth, I don't care. All I care about is its true. He really loved me. An awkward silence has fallen on us. I feel like I should say something, anything, to break it but I can't speak. Instead I take a deep breath and close the distance between our lips.

First kiss

If someone had told me yesterday that in twenty-four hours I'd be kissing Rodney McKay, I'd have said only if one of his little devices gave him boobs and an hour glass figure. But that's because I've had to hide my true feelings. Kissing Rodney is like falling into a coffee flavored heaven, sweet but at the same time so close to the sun it's fiery. I run a hand along the side of his face, feeling the light stubble that's there. His strong arms wrap around me and he pulls me on to the bed next to him.

Want more?

I've never been more excited or nervous than I am right now. Rodneys hands hve found their way under my shirt and I can feel the tips of his fingers trace my nipples. I moan into Rodneys mouth as he rubs and gently pinches them. I move closer to him, straddling one of his legs. I can feel his warm hardness through our cloths against my leg. I move my leg gently against him, causing him to break the kiss. I smile to myself and place a hand on the crotch of his pants and squeeze lightly, "Oh God, John."

More

His eyes are closed now and he's rocking into my hand. Rodney let's out a moan of frustration as I take my hand away. I push his jacket off and lift his shirt over his head. I run my hand over Rodney's chest as I lean down and take one of his nipples into my mouth. He inhales sharply as I lightly blow the wet skin. Before he can say a word I bring our lips together, kissing him as passionately as I can. As I kiss him, I slip a hand into his pants.

Waking up

John sat up in his bed. It was still night and he was alone. He felt a warm wetness on his legs. He used his ATA gene and turned the lights on and threw back the covers. John sighed and walked to the bathroom where he shed his ruined boxers and stepped into the shower. He shivered as the cold water hit his exposed skin and washed away the evidence from yet another wet dream starring Rodney. John dried himself off and put on a clean pair of boxers before changing his sheets. He crawled back into bed and pulled the covers tight around himself. Just before he fell asleep he said a prayer to anyone listening to stop his dreams and make them come true.

The End

Author's Note: Feedback is always welcome. I love to know what people love or hate about my stories, whether or not I should add more and all that.