Daniel knocked on Jack's door and tapped his hand against this thigh, waiting for the sound of footfalls on the other side that would tell him Jack was coming to answer it.
"Hey Daniel, what are you doing here?" Jack said from behind him.
Daniel whirled, surprised. "I thought you ... I thought you were inside."
"Hence the knocking," Jack said, pushing past him and opening the door. He was carrying some pruning shears. "Let me take this stuff to the garage and I'll be back. Grab a beer or whatever."
Uneasily, Daniel walked inside. What he was planning to say suddenly seemed kind of unfair after this friendly greeting. He went to the kitchen and took a bottle of water out of the fridge, grabbing a beer for Jack. His commanding officer came in a moment later and washed his hands off in the sink. Daniel held out the beer, and Jack took it with a nod of thanks. "Come in," he said. "Sit down."
Daniel followed him into the living room and stood for a moment. The most obvious seat to take given where Jack was sitting had bad memories attached, and seemed highly inappropriate for what he had to say right now.
Jack sat forward. "Daniel, is something wrong?"
He looked down at his hands and finally sat down at the end of the sofa, shifting uncomfortably as he did so. "Actually, yes, there is. I've been ... I don't know how to say this, but you've been ..." He took a deep breath. "Do you want me off the team? Because there are easier ways to accomplish that than by driving me away."
Jack's jaw dropped. He stared at Daniel silently for several seconds, and Daniel wondered what he was thinking. Maybe he hadn't realized what he wanted, or hadn't expected Daniel to see it. He didn't know what, but Daniel was getting tired of the sniping, the put-downs, the constant belittling of his opinion. The Euronda affair had only been the latest, most egregious example of it.
Nothing had been quite the same in their friendship since Jack had come back from Edora. Nor in their working relationship. Why seemed irrelevant now, but it couldn't go on.
"I don't want you off the team!" Jack said vehemently, breaking into Daniel's train of thought. "What the hell gave you that idea?"
Daniel blinked, then grimaced. "Let's see, do you want the short list or the long one?" he asked, bitterness creeping unasked into his tone. Jack mouthed wordlessly. Daniel shook his head in disgust. "Jack, you've been acting like I was an annoying tagalong for about two months now. Other people are noticing and asking what's wrong. Feretti asked me if we'd had some kind of a disagreement about something. Sam and Teal'c keep looking at both of us as if they don't want to get involved."
"There's nothing wrong, Daniel!" Jack said, his eyes narrowing with fury. "Damn it, have you been going around complaining?"
"No, the comments have been unsolicited." Daniel's hands clenched into fists in his lap as he tried to keep from wrapping his arms around himself. He wanted to be open to this conversation. If there was any chance at all of retrieving things, he wanted to do it.
"So you've just been going around looking pathetic and like a kicked puppy," Jack declared, his tone full of contempt. "That's so much better!"
All the guilt Daniel had felt earlier drained from him now. He grimaced, and the muscles of his face felt tight. "See, now this is the Jack I've come to know over the last couple of months," he said, barely keeping his tone from turning into a snarl. "What is it with you? I'd almost think that you meant what you said about our friendship before that sting, the way you've been acting."
Jack rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "Yeah, right, throw that in my face," he said angrily. "I didn't have a choice, Daniel."
"I'm not throwing anything in your face." Daniel looked out the window at the bright sunny day and pursed his lips. "I'm just comparing your past comment to your current behavior and finding that they mesh startlingly well."
"Don't be such a crybaby," Jack growled.
Daniel felt his gut knot. "Fine," he said, rising. "If you won't be a grown up and admit it, I'll apply for the transfer myself." He turned and started to walk out of the house.
"Daniel!" Jack called, his voice very loud, very commanding. Daniel kept walking. "Daniel, wait!" There was a different note in his voice this time, and Daniel turned partway, still ready to leave.
"Why?"
Jack's expression was flat, inscrutable. "I told you, I don't want you off the team."
Daniel stared at him, trying to read him without much success. "It's hard to tell," he replied. "'Shut up, Daniel,'" he quoted. Jack flinched. "'Don't be an idiot, Daniel,' 'We don't do things that way, Daniel.'" He crossed his arms tightly. "Even if you want me on the team, I'm not sure I want to be there anymore. It's more than frustrating, it's infuriating. I'm not a punching bag, Jack, I'm supposedly your friend!" Jack was gaping at him, and Daniel's anger ran away with him. "Even if that's over and done with, I'm still your colleague. The kind of shit you've been giving me would have gotten anyone else on base a reprimand from you a year ago. Now you seem to think it's okay."
"Daniel, I --" Jack's eyes were wide and he didn't seem to be able to get any words out.
"I'm fed up," Daniel said.
"I won't agree to the transfer," Jack said, desperation coloring his tone.
Daniel closed his eyes and steeled himself against Jack's emotional reactions. "You really think Hammond would enforce that if I told him I was having problems getting my work done because of stress? Besides, he's asked what's wrong, too." Daniel shook his head. "I'm done, Jack." He turned away. "I can't deal with it anymore." Climbing the stairs, he went out the front door, shutting it behind him with finality.
Jack followed him out. "Daniel, wait, we need to talk."
"I just tried," Daniel called over his shoulder. "You didn't. It's too late. Too little, too --" He let out a startled cry as Jack seized him from behind. "What! Let go!" He struggled, but he didn't really want to hurt Jack, so he didn't use any of the tricks the other man had taught him in the past. When Jack turned him forcibly around to face him, it took a lot of willpower not to slam a knee up into his groin.
"Sorry, Daniel, this argument isn't over," Jack muttered. Still holding onto Daniel's left arm, he bent and wrapped his arm around Daniel's legs, just below his butt. With a grunt, he then hefted the younger man onto his shoulder.
"Jack, put me down!" Daniel ordered, stunned into greater fury by this indignity. "What do you think you're doing?" Without speaking, Jack carried him back into the house, then lowered him, grunting again as he thunked him down on the sofa. Daniel started to get up immediately, but Jack sat down on the coffee table, trapping him in his seat unless he wanted to wrestle. He sat back, momentarily defeated. "If you think anything could solve this after that demonstration, you're --"
"I'm in love with you!" Jack said firmly, cutting across Daniel's words. "There, damn it. I said it. I'm in love with you."
Daniel felt as if his legs had been cut out from under him. He blinked. He stared. He gaped. After a long while, he managed to close his mouth. Words took even longer. "What did you say?"
"I began to realize it on Edora," Jack said, his face a study in blankness. He wasn't meeting Daniel's eyes, a fact that didn't do wonders for his credibility. "I missed you all, but I kept thinking about you in particular. Thinking about times we'd spent together, you know, hockey games, pizza nights here, occasions when we snuggled together in our tent offworld because it was cold." He flushed a little, but the mask was still on. "Gradually, I noticed a trend. When I was loneliest, I'd think about you."
"We're friends, Jack, that's normal." Jack turned his head and his eyes met Daniel's briefly. The pain and passion he saw there astonished him. Then Jack turned away again, and the momentary connection was broken.
"I've never had thoughts about my friends' asses before, Daniel," he said sarcastically. Daniel felt his eyebrows climb. "Or dreamed about ..." He shook his head, licking his lips uncomfortably. "Some of those thoughts got pretty carnal. I threw myself into a relationship with Laira, trying to forget about it, but ..." He gulped. Daniel was staring at him, having trouble taking it in. Carnal? Jack? "Don't get me wrong, it's nothing against you, but I was horrified. I'm not gay, or so I thought, and having these ... fantasies ... it disturbed me."
Daniel was feeling somewhat disturbed himself, trapped as he was. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"And it wasn't just physical," Jack added. "It was ... I don't know, everything. The way you always snipe back at me when I tease you, the way you stand up for things when you're certain you're right. I always knew I admired you, but it wasn't till certain unmistakable signs turned up that I began to realize that it went deeper."
"Unmistakable signs?" Daniel asked, trying to regain a foothold in the conversation. "Would those be physical signs?"
Jack's eyes were deathly serious. "Daniel, you've been in love, we both know that." Daniel nodded, taking a deep breath. "I've been in love before, too, I know how it feels. I thought then that it was infatuation, that it was just some kind of expression of my desperation to get home. I figured it would go away when I was back. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was ... I don't know what I thought. Regardless, it didn't. I'd see you and think things that I couldn't say, that I didn't dare tell anyone."
"And you got frustrated," Daniel guessed. He had his arms crossed tightly over his chest, though he wasn't sure exactly when that had happened.
"Not yet. At first I was so confused, I didn't know what to think or feel. Then Hammond and the damned Asgard decided I needed to infiltrate that rogue thing."
Daniel was feeling a little claustrophobic, and the mention of the sting brought back the stomach churning hurt he'd felt that day. He cleared his throat, trying to move further back into the sofa. "Jack, I'm not going to jump up and run out anymore. I think you ... could you give me a little more space?"
Jack blinked and stood up, knocking the coffee table askew. Looking sort of pathetic and baffled, he retreated to his chair. "Sorry, I ..." He shook his head. "I never meant to tell you, so I'm ... this is throwing me for a loop."
"I can see that," Daniel said.
Jack took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "So, I did it. I broke our team into tiny pieces, gave you a punch in the gut you didn't deserve and managed to right the wrongs and bring the bad guys in. And knowing what I'd done to you just about ripped me apart."
"Well, knowing that you knew exactly how to get to me didn't precisely thrill me," Daniel said. "When you did it, I was devastated to think it was true. When you came back and I knew it was a lie, I was devastated to know that, not only did you know what would get to me, but you used that knowledge against me to shut me down."
Jack looked at him with brows furrowed, clearly unhappy. "You were thinking your way through things, and I knew you'd come up with the right answer sooner or later, and we'd all be screwed," Jack said in a persuasive tone. Daniel set his jaw. He didn't want to know this. "I had to get you feeling and not thinking, or you'd blurt out the truth and I'd have to do something about it."
"So you decided to rip out my guts and trample on them. I completely understand." He smiled tightly. "And knowing that you love me just makes everything better."
"Daniel!" Jack's tone was full of pleading, and Daniel closed his eyes, making a gesture for Jack to go on. "Look, I know I've been a jerk, but can you understand why?"
Daniel nodded. "Of course. You've made my life miserable, made me look like a fool in front of the rest of the SGC, embarrassed me, ignored me, humiliated me, all because you were 'in love' with me and didn't dare express it. It must have been very frustrating." After a brief pause, he added. "For you."
Jack faltered for a moment, then took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Daniel, I won't let it affect our working relationship from here on out."
"How can I believe that?" Daniel asked. "And isn't it against some rule somewhere for you to have feelings of that nature for --"
"That's why I haven't been able to say anything!" Jack exclaimed. "If you were a woman, I could have --"
Daniel raised his voice to overbear Jack's words. "-- your subordinates."
Jack blinked, seeming disoriented by the change of direction. "Right. Yes, it is, but --"
"So shouldn't I be transferring anyway?"
"Daniel, please don't ... I would ... I didn't mean to ... I don't want you on another team."
"Why not?" Daniel willed the other man to look him in the eyes, but Jack didn't.
He looked down at his hands, lacing and unlacing his fingers. Finally, he said, "I don't trust anyone else to look after you."
The dam Daniel had put up across the tide of rage broke abruptly, flooding him with angry emotions which mingled oddly with the sympathy and concern that had been growing. His thoughts were buffeted by waves of chaotic feeling. He stood up like a shot; he had to get out of here. He took a deep breath. "Fine, I won't ask for a transfer," he said. Jack looked relieved, but only for a moment as Daniel went on. "But I need a break. Robert's found an interesting site on P3X-888, and they're settling down for an extended dig. He asked me to come along, but I told him I probably wouldn't be able to."
Seeming utterly baffled, Jack shook his head. "Daniel, I just said I didn't want you on another team."
Daniel pursed his lips, then tightened them against his teeth. He kept his voice calm. "They wouldn't be settling down like this if the planet hadn't been scouted," Daniel pointed out. "And I need some time away to digest this ... startling new information."
Jack blinked. "You ... you want me to okay this, don't you?"
"I can't go out without your approval ... at the moment." Daniel let those last three words hang for a several seconds, and Jack winced. He relented a little. "Look, I really do need some time away, and this is an interesting site. It will look like we're both taking a break from each other, and given that our conflict has become the talk of the base, no one will be surprised."
Jack nodded. "I see what you mean," he said, but he looked unhappy about it. "Fine, if I don't see any flags when I look over the reports, I'll okay it."
"Good," Daniel said. "Thanks, Jack, I appreciate it."
"Daniel, I'm sorry, I really didn't intend --"
Daniel shook his head vehemently and Jack broke off. There was a catch in his voice when he spoke, despite his best efforts. "I can't, Jack. I'm really sorry, I know you have no one to talk to about this, and that your emotions have got to roiling like crazy, but I can't deal with it now. I wish there was someone I could send you to talk to, but I ..." He shrugged. "I can't even tell you how I feel, I don't know myself yet."
Jack visibly pulled himself together. "That's fair," he said. "I did sort of dump this on you." Daniel snorted and Jack gave him a wry grin to acknowledge the understatement. "I'm not asking anything of you, but it was clear that I needed to ... needed to explain my behavior."
Daniel nodded. "I'll see you later." He stood up and left. All the way down to his car he kept half-expecting Jack to pounce on him again, but when he glanced up at the house, Jack was standing in the doorway, watching him leave.
Jack watched Daniel's little blue Saturn pull away, wondering what the archeologist was feeling. Not that he couldn't guess to some degree. Once the car was out of sight, he shut the door behind him and let out a growl of frustration. He had imagined that conversation many many times, but somehow, in his head, it had never started and ended with Daniel angry.
He'd wanted to be able to say that Daniel was smoking dope, that he hadn't been any harder on him recently than he used to be, but he knew it was true. He closed his eyes and shuddered. What he'd done on Euronda had been an indirect result of his trying to prove himself independent of Daniel's influence. It had been careless, thoughtless, criminal and he deserved a reprimand he hadn't gotten for it. Going into that cockpit the first time against drones was one thing. Assuming that they only ever fought drones and failing to ask before leaping in that seat to play a vast video game was something quite different. Those faces, the people he'd killed, haunted him. It was murder. Nothing short of murder.
It was ironic that he could confess murder to Hammond, but he couldn't confess love. Hammond, as a human being, would probably understand. Maybe. Jack shook his head. Hammond's personal reaction was irrelevant, though. As a general in the United States Air Force, he would have to view Jack's behavior and his words through the strict lens of military regulations, and love of the kind he'd come to feel for Daniel was clearly defined as out of bounds.
He shook his head and marshalled himself. He had pruning to do. Instead of taking him outside, though, his feet took him upstairs to the bathroom. Stripping rapidly, he climbed into the shower, trying not to think of Daniel. How many times had he jerked himself off in here to thoughts of the archeologist? His long slender body, those lean muscles, those sparkling blue eyes, his quicksilver wit ...
He didn't know, but now was really not the time. His fantasies had been fueled by three years of careless, casual nudity in the base showers, freezing nights offworld when he'd snuggled up close against the other man for warmth. Fertile ground.
Growling a curse, he turned up the cold on the water. Oddly, it seemed ... rude ... to be having these fantasies about Daniel now that Daniel knew how he felt. Before, it had been his only outlet for feelings he couldn't express.
He scrubbed himself clean with more firmness than was strictly necessary and got out. He was dressed and in the car within ten minutes, heading for the base. It wasn't till he was halfway there that he realized the reason for his urgency. He had to know, now, if he could decently say no to Daniel's insane request. He had said he would agree if there weren't any flags in that report, and he would hold to that, come what may, but he had to know.
He parked and zipped past the security with barely a nod of greeting. Once in the elevator, he cursed its slowness. When the doors opened, he surprised the people outside by immediately starting forward. They got out of his way with startled exclamations. No doubt this would start more talk, especially if he had to okay Daniel's expedition. He turned his thoughts towards heaven and the God he didn't really believe was there. Please don't let it come to that, he thought.
Heading to records, he requested the report on P3X-888. With its startling thickness in his hands, he retired to his office, leaned back in the uncomfortable desk chair and flipped it open. Most of the pages were taken up with Robert Rothman's effusions on the archeological site. As he skimmed the seventy-five cent words that Rothman used to describe his findings, he whistled and understood why Daniel felt the need to join him. It wasn't so much an archeological site as paleontological. From what they'd found so far, it wasn't a civilization they were uncovering, not the work of man or any organized species, but the possible origin of the primitive Goa'uld symbiote.
He could barely imagine what that knowledge would mean to a man like Daniel. A scholar, ever hungry for knowledge, whose life had been torn apart by the rapacious greed of those creatures.
Feeling like an ass, he read the military sections of the report with extreme care for detail. Even knowing how much Daniel would have to be longing to go, he wasn't going to okay it if there was the slightest hint of danger. Daniel's sense of self-preservation was all too easily eclipsed by his passions, either scholarly or more purely emotional in nature.
Daniel wasn't wrong. They'd explored the area twenty miles out from the dig site, which was about four miles from the gate. The UAV had gone still farther, and showed no signs of habitation, no predators that couldn't be managed.
Water was drinkable, air showed no signs of pollutants or dangerous microbes, and a secure base camp was even now being built within sight of the dig site. As he'd known had to be the case, the expedition had been signed off on by Hammond and by Fraiser. Their engineers had designed a camp based on the terrain and perceived threats, upping that notch by several degrees to be on the safe side. SG-11, one of the larger teams that had been organized to supervise just this sort of thing were in charge. He knew Hawkins was a good man, and capable of standing up to Daniel. There wasn't a damned thing he could reasonably object to. If nothing else, he knew they wouldn't be sending a man like Robert Rothman if they were concerned that the planet posed a safety risk.
Towards the end of the file, he saw that Rothman's invitation hadn't been purely verbal. He had made a formal request. Jack turned to his inbox, more highly stacked than he liked it to be after their last mission. Sorting through, he found the page, lost in the bottom of the heap amongst other things he'd put aside as not of much importance. He read through it now with more attention.
Rothman could write. He'd expressed the need to have two educated minds working on this project with clarity and logic. One man could get too focused on his own ideas, could become distracted or weary and miss things. Two could work more efficiently than one as well. Yesterday, if he'd taken the time to read this, he'd have nixed it instantly, regardless of the rational arguments Rothman put forward. Now he read it with careful thought and agreed, particularly with the last note Rothman made, which was that he'd like to take an entire team of undergraduates along to guarantee proper evaluation of this important and valuable site. Unfortunately, that wasn't possible, but it made sense to put their two best archeologists on it given the knowledge that could be gained.
Even if one of them was Daniel Jackson, chief pain in the ass and sudden focus of Jack's whole life.
Jack leaned back in his chair and sighed, contemplating the morning's interview. Daniel had grown so hunched, so closed off as Jack had spoken. His body language was as easy to read as block lettering an inch high. Misery grew into a hard knot in Jack's gut. It wasn't fair to put this off on him, but after the way Jack had utterly bollixed the last two months, he couldn't have explained his behavior with anything less than a full confession.
Daniel wanted to go. Daniel needed some space. Jack had always had trouble saying no to Daniel, even before his feelings had deepened into something more than friendship. He grabbed a pen out of the cup on his desk and checked the request off as approved and signed it quickly, before he lost his nerve.
Then he started putting together a list of things that Daniel was to take with him, no ifs, ands or buts. He might not be able to stop him, but he was damned well going to make sure he was properly prepared for any eventuality.
Hours later, he e-mailed Daniel his instructions. Swinging past records, he dropped the report in their drop box, then headed to Hammond's office where he put the approved temporary transfer request in Hammond's box.
With a heart both heavy and light, Jack went home to his empty house. He'd finish the pruning in the morning.
Confession might be good for the soul, but it was hell on the nerves. Jack walked into the base early Monday morning with his heart beating rapidly and his hands cold with sweat. He remembered telling Gina Harper he liked her on a Saturday night in the tenth grade. The following Monday had been full of adolescent anxiety and terror that she would laugh at him, tell everyone, or just ignore him. That day was nothing to this one. Of course, even if the whole school had known he was attracted to Gina, he wouldn't have been kicked out. He might have wished he had, but ...
He shook his head and tried to calm his idiot nerves, but the moment he pulled up his e-mail, he knew he'd better stamp on them hard. There was one from Hammond, requesting an early meeting. Suddenly hope flared. Maybe Hammond would say no. Maybe he wouldn't have to. He'd have to find a way to convince Daniel that he hadn't influenced the general in any way, but he could manage that. He thought. Gulping some coffee down, he took a few deep breaths and put his game face on.
Hammond's secretary nodded him in and Jack walked through the door and shut it behind him. The general looked up from the papers he was working on and gazed at him thoughtfully. "Sit down, colonel," he said. Jack sat.
"Good morning, sir," he said after a moment.
"You seem ill at ease, colonel. Is something on your mind?" Jack shrugged and Hammond seemed to accept it. "I was somewhat surprised this morning when I received your approval of Dr. Rothman's request for Dr. Jackson's aid in his excavations."
Jack cleared his throat. "It seems a logical use of our resources," he said.
"Nonsense," Hammond stated with authority. "You've turned down equally reasonable requests in the past. What makes this one different?" Jack didn't know what to say to that. "I've noticed some issues between the two of you in recent weeks, but I've been unwilling to speak to you about them because I didn't want to interfere." He hadn't been so shy about asking Daniel, Jack reflected. But then, Daniel was a civilian, under slightly different rules.
"It's been settled," Jack said. "And Daniel thought it might be a good idea if we gave each other some space."
"This was his idea?" Hammond asked suspiciously.
Jack nodded. "Oh yeah," he said with feeling. "You know how I feel about trusting him to other teams."
"Then why did you agree on this occasion? You'll forgive me, but I haven't heard anything about the two of you having a meeting. In fact, what I've heard is that you've been avoiding each other like the plague."
Jack grimaced. "He came to my house on Saturday to hash things out. We talked. He suggested this expedition. I told him that I'd agree if I didn't see anything alarming in the report, and ..." He shrugged. "I didn't."
"I see." Hammond sighed. "So long as you aren't using this as an excuse to get rid of him for a few weeks."
Jack stared at him in shock and dawning anger. "I wouldn't send him offworld for that," he said. "I can't believe you'd even think such a thing."
Hammond flushed. "I have been a bit disturbed by your recent behavior towards him. It wasn't what I would expect of you, and I wondered what ... why the change." He waited expectantly, as if hoping that Jack would explain.
Jack ground his teeth and tilted his head. "I'll admit, sir, that things have been a bit strained between us since the NID sting operation." Hammond's face lost the grandfatherly concern and took on a cast of guilt. "Since during that I had to, in his words, 'rip his guts out and trample on them.' It's put kind of a damper on our working relationship, not to mention our friendship."
Hammond gulped. "I see. I'm sorry, colonel, I've been unfair to you. I'm glad to hear that the two of you are patching things up." Jack shrugged and looked away. Hammond slipped a sheet of paper out of his stack and signed it. "There. I hope a little distance makes things easier for both of you."
Jack took the approved personnel requisition and nodded. "Me too, sir."
"Are you going to go tell him, or should I send him a message?"
"I'll go," Jack said, taking his courage in both hands. Hammond nodded a dismissal and Jack left, wishing that he hadn't gone along with this. At this point, it had gone too far for him to take his approval back. A glance at his watch told him that Daniel was probably just settling down upstairs. Jack grabbed a couple of donuts and two cups of coffee and headed up to the little room Daniel called home.
He heard voices inside and realized that Daniel wasn't alone. He couldn't back down now, though, so he put a brave face on it and walked in.
"... and then he realized it wasn't even Tuesday!" Carter was saying as he came in, and they both laughed.
It was eye-opening to see how their expressions and demeanor changed when they saw him. Carter was suddenly neutral, and Daniel looked very guarded. "Good morning, campers," Jack said in his best parody of his old style. He handed Daniel his coffee and put the donuts down on the desk, glad to see that he hadn't been pre-empted there. "Sorry, Carter, if I'd known you would be here, I would have brought another cup." He dug down in his brain for the appropriate behavior. Letting out an explosive sigh, he said, "Would you believe they ran out of Froot Loops in the commissary?" he demanded. Both of them stared at him as if he'd grown an extra head. "I know, it's a crisis! And Hammond won't take it seriously. Can you believe it?"
"No, Jack," Daniel said, his voice quavering with something, Jake hoped it was mirth.
"I had to eat corn flakes!" Carter shook her head with a mild eye roll, and he could tell he was getting back into the stride.
"So that's why you brought jelly donuts?" Daniel asked with a straight face.
"Well, corn flakes are hardly sufficient breakfast, Daniel," Jack replied.
"And I suppose they are fruit loops, after a fashion," Daniel added, gesturing with his hands to indicate a circle. Carter snickered.
"Exactly," Jack declared.
"Well, I'm afraid that, despite the 'crisis,' I have work to be doing," Carter said. "See you later, Daniel." A nod his direction. "Sir."
"Don't work too hard," he called after her. "I know you were here all weekend."
When she was gone, Daniel cleared his throat. "So, did you give it some thought?" he asked. Jack held out the paper and Daniel read it silently. He looked up uncertainly. "That didn't take long," he said.
"I read through the report three times," Jack said. "I saw two things. One, that the place is pretty secure, two, that it's the opportunity of a lifetime."
Daniel blinked and looked taken aback. "Really?"
"But you'd better come back without so much as a sprained toe."
"I'll do my best," Daniel said, an odd grin on his face.
"Read that e-mail I sent you," he added. "And follow its directions to the letter." Daniel's eyes widened. "You'd better go tell Rothman. I doubt he knows yet."
There was a sudden burst of Brooklyn nasality by the door. "Daniel! Daniel, have you heard the --" Rothman stopped dead in the doorway. "I heard ..." he faltered.
Jack forced a grin. "Have fun, boys, and bring back lots of rocks." With that he left, trying to ignore the perplexed tone of Rothman's voice as he asked whatever question he was asking.
Daniel would be fine, and he clearly didn't hate him for ... for what he felt. Only time would tell. He doubted that the more fantastic of his fantasies was ever going to come true, but maybe they could be friends again. He'd settle for that, if it was all he could get.
After Jack left, Daniel fended off Robert's questions about the issues between him and Jack, and then settled with him to the task planning their expedition. "When are we leaving, exactly?" Daniel asked.
"One week," Robert said. "I was hoping for sooner, but the base camp seems to be taking awhile to put together. I'm fine with that. Better safe than sorry, that's what I say."
Daniel nodded. "I agree," he said. More importantly, so would Jack. "So, it's SG-11, haven't most of them been trained in basic excavation techniques?"
"If you can call it trained," Robert groused. "Marines. You might as well train monkeys."
"That's not fair, Robert," Daniel protested.
"I swear, basic training takes twenty points off the IQ."
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Yeah, Sam's a good example of that, I suppose."
"Just imagine what she'd be like if she'd skipped it," Robert replied with a grin. Daniel gazed at him in disbelief, shaking his head. Robert gave him a sly grin. "Come on, Daniel, you know I'm joking."
Daniel shrugged, giving him a look that was half grimace, half grin. "I know." He gestured at their list, and Robert nodded. They set to the work of actually figuring out which tools to take and how many. One of the plusses to a site like this one, so close to a stargate, was that they didn't need to worry as much about leaving something behind. It wasn't like being out in the middle of nowhere in the Congo, where it might take a week or more to get something shipped out to you. It was as simple as activating the gate and radioing in the requisition.
Eventually, Robert left and went about his own work, leaving Daniel to stare unseeing at his. Jack had agreed. He had been prepared for just about anything but that. Not only had Jack agreed, but he was closer to acting like his old self than he'd been in months. Daniel still wasn't sure what he thought of what Jack had told him, but he was glad that things were out in the open if this was the effect.
Almost as an afterthought, he opened the e-mail Jack had sent him and read it through. When he was done, he sat back, caught between amusement and irritation. He'd always known Jack was a bit of a mother hen, but he'd never had printable proof before. He also didn't appear to think Daniel had a jot of common sense. Deodorant. Socks. Insect repellant. He snorted over the last one. SG-8 had discovered that sometimes what repelled insects on Earth attracted them elsewhere.
It was different though, reading sentences like, "Pay attention to what's around you. Threats can sneak up from anywhere, and we can't afford to lose you." Now that Jack had said what he'd said, Daniel wondered how much that 'we' narrowed down to 'I.'
Putting that thought firmly to the side, he set about the process of preparing his office for an extended absence, triaging his in tray for the things that simply couldn't wait, doling the rest of it out amongst the staff, being as fair as he could. He met with Cameron Balinsky who would be in charge during their absence, and made it clear both that he wasn't inaccessible, and that it had better be very important to interrupt him. Balinsky seemed a little in awe of him, but he hadn't been with the program all that long. Unfortunately, the translators were no more immune to bullets, poison darts or staff blasts than the soldiers were, and they'd recently had to hire several new guys, turning Balinsky's three and a half months into a seniority he didn't want.
The door opened behind him and he turned to see Teal'c entering. The Jaffa gravely shut the door behind him and stood looking strangely uncomfortable.
"What is it, Teal'c?" he asked.
"Something is wrong between you and O'Neill, and you are leaving." Teal'c was, as always, very nearly unreadable. Daniel blinked uncertainly. "Is that why you are leaving?"
Daniel shook his head, though it wasn't strictly true to deny it. "I'm taking an opportunity that's been offered. I'm not leaving the team for more than a temporary dig."
"I am glad to hear that, DanielJackson," Teal'c said. "What are you going to do?"
Daniel grinned. "It's looking like this planet might be someplace the Goa'uld spent time early in their development, if not the place where they evolved to begin with."
Teal'c's eyebrows rose. "Are you certain it is safe?" he asked.
"Jack agreed, and he said he read the report three times." Daniel shrugged. "You can come out and vet the site if you feel the need."
"I may do that. Has O'Neill done so?"
Daniel shook his head. "But we're not going for another week, so he just may."
"Indeed." He looked at Daniel's workload. "It is time for the noon meal. You must take a break."
Jack came around the door frame as Teal'c spoke, and Daniel blinked with surprise. He'd just been thinking that once upon a time, forcing Daniel to take his lunch would have been Jack's office. Apparently, Jack had just remembered that, too.
"Why don't we make it a threesome," he said. Daniel felt his ears heat up as the potential double meaning of that hit him. Jack's eyes widened and he coughed. "Whaddaya say, T?"
"I am amenable to that, O'Neill," he said.
"I am, too," Daniel managed to say. "Let's go."
Jack and Teal'c made the trek to P3X-888 on Wednesday, and Daniel was glad that Jack came back without anything more than a dry comment about rocks and trees and water. The last potential obstacle was gone and all that was left now was arranging for his apartment to be taken care of while he was gone.
The woman who'd always collected his mail for him had gotten married and moved elsewhere, but he did have the benefit of knowing in advance this time that he was going to be gone for awhile. He called the post office to arrange for his mail to be held for him. All the important stuff came to the base, but it wouldn't do to have his mailbox stuffed with circulars and small packages marked 'free.'
He turned around and found Jack in the doorway behind him, an odd look on his face that he smoothed away just a shade too slowly. Putting on an expression of jocularity, he stepped forward into the room and rubbed his hands together. "Getting ready for the big trip, huh?" he said.
Daniel eyed him askance. "You're trying too hard," he replied.
Jack's whole pose dropped away. "Does it show?" he asked.
"A bit." Jack looked dismayed, but he stopped trying to be the life of the part. Daniel gave him a relieve smile. "So, will you watch my fish?"
A little crease formed between Jack's eyebrows, warning Daniel that a zinger of some kind was coming. "Do you mean that I need to sit on the sofa and keep an eye on them, talk to them, that kind of thing, or is this just the usual go in, drop some food at them and leave?"
Daniel rolled his eyes. "The latter."
"Good, because I have trouble remembering all their names."
"How hard can it be? You named them if I recall."
"Some of them," Jack corrected.
Shaking his head, Daniel began enumerating on his fingers. "Larry, Moe, Curly and Homer were your choices, not mine, though I might have selected Homer."
Jack raised his hands in a triumphant gesture. "I knew you'd like the show if you ever tried it."
Daniel let out a sigh of exasperated annoyance. "As in Ovid and Virgil, Jack, not Bart and Marge."
Standing up a little straighter, Jack tilted his head, looking baffled. "Right. Those guys." Daniel rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. He was doing the 'dumb colonel' routine again. "Don't worry, Daniel, I'll feed the fish and make sure all your major appliances are still working."
Daniel pursed his lips over the second promise. "I.e. you'll go over to my place with a six pack of beer, a take-n-bake pizza, wash your clothes and watch the game?"
"Something like that," Jack said with a grin. "Though you forgot the nachos."
"For the microwave?" Daniel hazarded.
"Precisely."
"I appreciate it," Daniel said with a chuckle.
"So, you want to come over to dinner tonight?"
Daniel blinked in surprise and his mind kicked into overdrive. Dinner with Jack. What was Jack thinking? He didn't have anything unusual in mind, did he? Just as quickly, he smacked himself internally. Everything wasn't about that. "Sure," he said.
"Cool. Come by around seven."
"Sure."
"Well, I've got work and so do you, so I'll see you later." Daniel watched him leave and then sat down. Awkward didn't begin to cover it. They were going to have to work out some way past that if nothing else. If they kept talking like a pair of adolescents in their first uncomfortable forays into romance, someone was bound to notice.
He finished up by five and headed home, vowing that if there were roses and a tie at dinner, he was walking out. A shower later, he was looking at his closet, contemplating what constituted casual in this situation. Before this, he would have grabbed whatever looked comfortable and clean, but now ...
Feeling like an idiot, he tried to imagine he was having dinner with Sam. It didn't much help, since she was always after him to make sure everything matched and that he didn't look too much like a geeky scientist. Finally, disgusted with himself, he just grabbed a pair of tan slacks and one of the ten or twelve shirts Sam had picked out to go with them. Then he hurried out of the house and down to his car.
He pulled up in front of Jack's house and sat in the car for several minutes, wondering what this was going to be like. He was probably being a dithering idiot, but this was outside his experience. Not that he hadn't had men come on to him before, not that he hadn't found that pleasant once or twice, but Jack? He'd never had a friend who was so demonstrably not gay make overtures, and his own limited exploration in that direction had been years ago.
Opening the car door, he got out and walked up to the house. If Jack was in a tie and jacket, he wasn't even going in.
He was nerving himself up to knock when the door opened. "If you learned something at Kheb that's supposed to make knocking unnecessary, it's malfunctioning," Jack said with a grin. "What, were you just going to stare at the door till it opened?"
Daniel blinked up at his friend in startlement. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. Nicer than his usual at home attire, but not date clothes by a long stretch. Daniel gave him a bright grin and said, "It worked, didn't it?"
Jack stared at him with an eyebrow raised for a moment, then stepped back. As Daniel walked past him, he said, "Smart ass."
Daniel shrugged. "What are we having?"
"Roast beast," Jack replied. "With potatoes and broccoli with cheese sauce."
"Smells good," Daniel said as he walked into the kitchen.
"Thanks."
Daniel looked around the cheerful room and sighed. The awkwardness had not abated. If anything, it had gotten worse. He cleared his throat and leaned against a counter. "Check on Cameron, would you, make sure he's not over his head while I'm gone."
Jack lifted up the pot lid and stirred the cheese sauce. "Feed fish, check on Cameron. Got it." He looked up with a grin. "Are you excited?"
"Actually, yes," Daniel said. "The scope for discovery in this is amazing. We could find out how the Goa'uld became what they are today. We could find weaknesses that can be exploited."
"It's hard to imagine getting that excited over the opportunity to dig in the dirt," Jack said, closing the pot and putting the spoon down again. "I mean, I understand the potential for knowledge, but digging still seems to me to be something that you do when you have to, not ... you seem to get a kick out of it."
"Oh, come on, Jack, didn't you dig when you were little?" Daniel asked.
"Of course, but that's different. That's make believe. If we did deep enough, we'll find the tunnel to China; 'X' marks the spot for buried treasure."
"That's all this is, Jack, a search for buried treasure, only the prize is a bunch of fossilized remains."
"Not bones?"
"The symbiotes have an extremely flexible spinal column without much solid bone mass." Jack was still looking expectantly at him. "The best we'll get is fossils because most af a Goa'uld's body is made up of cartilage, which doesn't last long."
"So this probably isn't going to involve much inthe way of DNA typing," Jack said.
"No," Daniel said with a smirk. "Fossils are typically made of sedimentary rock, and most rocks don't have much in the way of DNA." He shook his head. "Though if we're really lucky, we might find some samples that were preserved more completely, like bugs in amber. That would be a coup."
"I can see that," Jack said. "So, this thing is set up for six weeks."
"Initially," Daniel replied, nodding, wondering why this had come up.
"I don't like the idea of you being gone for six weeks."
Daniel blinked at him in sudden alarm. "You agreed, Jack. You're not going back on it, are you?"
Jack shot him an irritated look. "No, I'm not going back on it. I gave my word, but that doesn't mean I have to like it, does it?"
"Well, I'd rather you weren't upset about it," Daniel said. "I just need ... I mean, this is an incredible opportunity, and it comes at a time when I really need some time away."
"Away from me," Jack said, sounding both angry and unhappy. Daniel felt his gut starting to knot, but Jack shook his head. "Grab the drinks, would you?"
With alacrity, Daniel got the drinks and finished setting the table. Jack had apparently started the process but forgotten such minor details as spoons. They didn't say much apart from dinner prep talk until they were both sitting with a plate of food in front of them. Even then, they were silent for awhile. Daniel busied himself with cutting his meat.
"I'm sorry, that wasn't a fair reaction," Jack said finally.
"You're entitled to your emotions," Daniel said.
"But I'm not entitled to force them on you," Jack replied. "And you --"
"Let's not talk about it, Jack," Daniel said hastily.
"I'm sorry, it's kind of on my mind," Jack said with a grimace.
Daniel shrugged. "I guess I can see that." He looked down at the plate. "It's just ... don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but I don't know what to do with it. I mean, I come here to ask you what's wrong, why you're so angry, expecting you to tell me not to be so full of myself because everything isn't about me. Instead, you tell me it is all about me, but in an entirely unexpected way."
"It's not exactly expected to me, Daniel," Jack said. "I've never felt ... I mean, I never wanted ... I mean --"
"How articulate," Daniel remarked and Jack glared at him. "I understand what you mean, though, I think. I guess the difference is that you've had a few months to get used to the idea. I haven't even had a week, and I don't ..." He looked down at the plate in front him. Hesitantly, he cleared his throat. "Have you considered that it might be ... maybe it's not real."
Jack leaned back in his chair, staring at him. "Not real?"
"Maybe you're just trying to avoid intimacy with a woman."
Shaking his head, an incredulous look on his face, Jack said, "Daniel, none of your multitudes of degrees is in psychology, right?" Daniel shook his head. "So lay off the psycho-babble."
"No, really, Jack, have you thought about --"
"I had an intimate relationship with a woman for nearly two months, Daniel," Jack said with ruthless logic. "If I was seeking to avoid intimacy with a woman, I've already failed dismally." Daniel bit his lip. "And through all of it, I was fantasizing about --" He broke off and Daniel didn't know where to look. Jack looked horrified by what he'd said, and Daniel was just glad that he'd stopped himself in time. "So," Jack said with false cheer. "How's the roast?"
"Tender," Daniel said. "Very juicy."
Jack's eyes went wide and he looked very uncomfortable. Daniel wondered what he'd said. After a moment, Jack said, "Good, I'm glad."
They went back to eating in silence, and Daniel wondered how long this awkwardness would last. It might make mission briefings a little difficult, and Hammond was bound to notice, not to mention Sam and Teal'c.
"What time do you --"
"Where did you put --"
They'd both started talking at once, and they both fell silent instantly. After a moment, Daniel tried again.
"You go ahead."
At the same time Jack said, "What were you saying?"
Daniel looked down at his plate, fighting not to laugh. He looked up and found that Jack was biting his lip. Daniel opened his mouth and said, "So, you were saying?"
"I just ... I was going to ask what time you folks are leaving on Monday."
"Actually, it's been moved to Sunday," Daniel said and Jack looked startled. "The base camp was finished earlier than they expected. Now they're just testing the defenses and stocking up. SG-11 is going tomorrow, and if Robert had his way, we'd be leaving then, too, but Hammond wants the defense team on site for a couple of days to make sure they know the lay of the land before he sends the defenseless civilians."
"Rothman's just itching to go, isn't he?" Jack said, an amused tilt to his lips.
"Do you find that surprising?"
"A little, actually," Jack replied, with a shrug. "He's never been fond of offworld missions, so far as I could tell."
"Oh, he loves them," Daniel protested. "He's just ... well, Robert wouldn't be happy without something to complain about."
"So if he stops complaining?"
"That's when you should worry," Daniel said.
"Good to know." Jack shook his head and Daniel wondered what he was thinking. "How long have the two of you been friends?"
Daniel smiled. "My senior year in college. I was seventeen, he was nineteen and a sophomore. He was one of the few guys who didn't care that I was a 'child prodigy.' He just cared that I knew more about something than he did and was willing to share the knowledge." Sighing, Daniel shrugged. "He made my first TA job bearable."
"How so?"
"I was eighteen, and leading discussion sessions in anthropology. Lower division, but there were people of all ages in it, and some of them weren't real thrilled with me. I was kind of the wunderkind at the university, and a couple of the profs seemed to think it was cool to talk about my achievements in class."
"Which went over well with seniors who were four years older than you and still not graduated, I'm sure," Jack commented.
"Even more so with the 'super-seniors,'" Daniel said. "Anyway, it was a class Robert had skipped for something else, but needed in the long run, so he took it that semester."
"I just can't see Rothman running interference, though. He's not that perceptive."
Daniel laughed. "No, it wasn't that. It was his persistence in treating me like his teacher. He wasn't even aware of the mild hazing that was going on, I don't think, but when the others would get off topic he would relentlessly drag us back because he was determined to get everything out of the class that he was supposed to." Thinking back Daniel grinned. "You know how sarcastic he can be. He'd make some snarky comment about the ..." He blinked. "Actually, now that I think about it, I guess he did run interference. He made a couple of remarks that were clearly designed to be embarrassing to the idiots who were playing games with my authority."
"So that's what college was like for you?" Jack asked. "People being jerks because you were younger than the usual?"
"Well, I was no sweet innocent," Daniel said. Jack raised his eyebrows. "Oh, no, I had attitude out the yin-yang and a condescending manner that was enough to piss anyone off. It didn't help that I was usually right, even when it was the teacher whose facts I was challenging."
"No, the sin of always being right is hard to forgive," Jack said, and there was a heaviness in his tone that made Daniel look askance at him. "I'm sorry, Daniel," he said. "I was a shit on Euronda, and that's why. I was so sure that you were wrong that time ... that I was right for once, that I didn't consider things fairly."
Daniel stared at him. "Did you ... did you just apologize?"
"Don't," Jack said, and Daniel was startled by the intensity in his voice. "If I had listened to you, there are several of the Eurondan's enemies that would still be alive." Jack's neck muscles were tense, and he had put his fork down. "I killed people because I couldn't consider that you might be right long enough to stop and ask a couple of questions."
Daniel shook his head. "There were other pressures on you," he said. "I know how much the joint chiefs are pushing for us to bring back useful technology. You shouldn't be so hard --"
"I killed people for no good reason."
"You thought they were unarmed drones."
"I didn't ask."
Daniel didn't know what to say to that. He took a deep breath. "You made a mistake. That happens sometimes."
"Mistakes don't have to get people killed."
"So don't make that one again," Daniel said. The other man didn't look reassured. "I don't know what to say, Jack. You made a mistake, but it wasn't done out of malice, it wasn't done for self-aggrandizement."
"No, it was done out of sheer, bloody minded stupidity." Daniel grimaced, but Jack shook his head before he could speak. "Sorry, I'm being a jerk."
"Not a jerk," Daniel said with a half smile. "A man with a conscience, and there are far worse things to be."
"You see me so differently from how I see myself," Jack said, and Daniel blinked. The gaze Jack had turned on him was somewhat warmer than he was used to on any occasion when he hadn't recently died. He ran through the past few missions in his mind. Nope, no deaths.
Daniel cleared his throat and skewered a broccoli floweret. It was a little unnerving. "So, what will you three be doing while I'm gone?" he asked.
"Carter's got some experiments she's running next week, Teal'c plans to visit his family, and I'm going to go out into the world and do some interviews to see if I can find us some new recruits."
"Sounds exciting," Daniel said. "Surely you can go out on missions without me."
"We will," Jack said. "But Carter's been planning these experiments for awhile, I guess, just looking for an opportunity to spring them on me."
"The transducer from PX9-332?" Daniel asked.
Jack looked blank. Then he shrugged. "I think that might be one of the words she used. There were so many."
"What's your degree in again?" Daniel asked. "Studies in bullsh --"
"Daniel!" Jack growled. "I'll have you know that my degree is in baseball."
Daniel's eyebrows rose. "Not hockey?"
"The university I went to didn't offer it," Jack replied with a straight face.
This conversation had certainly taken a surreal turn. "You could have transferred to one that did," he suggested.
Jack shrugged. "I already had so many units in that it seemed pointless."
"So many units in ... baseball?"
Nodding, Jack said, "You know, they have three separate classes devoted to the reading of those little numbers in the box scores."
Daniel nodded thoughtfully. "Don't those have something to do with the number of baskets made?"
Jack's lips twitched. "Yeah, Daniel, baskets."
"So, tell me, Jack, do you have to play baseball to get a degree in it?"
"There's a required number of hours spent playing, actually," Jack said. "I don't remember the exact number, I could look it up for you."
"Do that, would you," Daniel said, barely keeping a straight face.
They passed the rest of the evening with similar nonsense, then Daniel helped Jack put the dishes in the dishwasher and get the kitchen cleared up. He washed his hands and turned around while wiping them off on a towel just in time for Jack to turn towards the sink. They came face to face, very close together, and Daniel found himself very aware of Jack's physical presence, the warmth of his body mere inches away.
After several frozen seconds, Jack turned away, put the bowl in his hands down on the opposite counter and left the kitchen. Daniel took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then he rinsed the bowl, stowed it in the dishwasher and walked out into the living room where Jack was standing facing the windows, his back to the door.
"This was stupid," Jack said without turning around. "I'm sorry, Daniel. I'd probably better stick to team dinners until I've got a better handle on this."
"You didn't do anything, Jack," Daniel said.
"It's not what I did or didn't do. It's what I wanted to do."
"Jack --"
"I'll see you at work tomorrow, Daniel. Thanks for coming."
"Jack, what did you --"
Jack turned around, his eyes wide and his body stiff with emotion. "Daniel, please. Good night."
Unwilling to cause his friend any more distress than he apparently had, Daniel bit his lip, trying to think of something to say. He didn't want to just leave like this. "Surely you've known women you were attracted to that you couldn't do anything about."
Shaking his head, Jack glared at him. "It's different, Daniel."
"How?"
Jack threw his hands in the air. "I can admit to being attracted to women! I can't talk about you in the locker room."
Daniel blinked, caught by the horrifying image of that. "No, not if you want to keep breathing. But there must have been women ... wives of friends ... that you were attracted to that you couldn't admit to. There must be strategies you --"
"See, Daniel, that's the problem," Jack said. Yes, there are strategies, but I wasn't in love with any of those women. It makes a difference."
Daniel shook his head. "Right, I ..." He shrugged, giving Jack a helpless look. "I just can't believe that's how you feel about me."
"Why not?"
Daniel grimaced. "Well, for one thing, I'm not that lovable."
"If this is an invitation to tell you how perfectly wonderful you are, I'm not biting," Jack growled.
Daniel cleared his throat. "For another, you've known me for more than five years now, and you only figured this out, what, two months ago?"
"It took a year for me to fall in love with Sara," Jack said defensively. "Not everyone does the love at first sight thing, Daniel."
"Five years?"
"Well, I'd like to point out that for the first year I knew you, you were on another planet, never to be seen again, married and in love, and I was getting over a rather distressingly neutral divorce. Then the next three years --"
Daniel raised a hand and shook his head. "Don't! Please, don't ..."
Jack nodded tightly and stopped. "Regardless, I thought of you very firmly as married." Daniel nodded and looked down at the floor, his arms crossed. "And we are straying far afield," Jack said. "I want ... no, that's not true. I don't want you to leave, but what I do want you don't, so it would be more comfortable for me if you left."
Daniel blinked. "Are you saying that I'm going to have to stay away from you until you're over this?"
Over it? Jack blinked. Did Daniel really think there was a chance of that? "No, Daniel," Jack replied earnestly. "But you're going to another planet for six weeks so that will give me some time."
Daniel nodded, but he still looked confused. "Do you think you can get over me in six weeks?"
Jack closed his eyes and let his head droop. "No, but I think I might be able to adjust to the fact that you now know."
"My knowing is what's making the difference?" Daniel asked. His expression was so ... so open and curious. Jack couldn't get over him in a million years. This man, this kind and gentle being who would rather believe good of people than bad ... he didn't think he was that lovable.
"I think it's because now I don't have to hide it with you, which is why I thought maybe a team thing would work better." Realization dawned on Daniel's face. "I'd still have to keep my feelings hidden in front of Carter and Teal'c, so that might be more ... suitable."
"Jack, you didn't do anything. I really don't understand --"
"I wanted to kiss you, Daniel," Jack blurted. Daniel's eyes opened wide with surprise, and Jack wanted to walk over and take him in his arms. Part of him was still astonished by that internal reaction, but that part was quieting down as the months went by. "If I'd stayed there a second longer, I probably would have tried to kiss you."
Daniel's eyelids fluttered, and Jack told his libido to get down and stay down. "That would have been awkward," the archeologist said.
"That's one word for it," Jack replied.
"Jack, are we ..." Daniel shook his head, a little-boy-lost look coming over his features. "Are we even going to be able to be friends anymore? I mean, are you going to be able to be just my friend?"
"Of course I am," Jack promised, hoping he was telling the truth. "I wouldn't have even told you if it hadn't seemed necessary after all the crap I've been throwing at you."
Daniel blinked, looking mildly perturbed. "Jack, I ... I don't know what to make of this."
"That's what this expedition is supposed to be for, right? To give you time to figure it out."
Daniel shrugged. "I guess so," he said. "You really want me to go?"
"No, Daniel, I want you to stay, but you ..." Jack turned around again and looked out the window over the darkened yard. "I want you in a way that ... a way that you wouldn't ..." His words died away because he couldn't bring himself to say things that might freak Daniel out.
"Jack, your friendship ..." Daniel cleared his throat. "Your friendship means a lot to me."
Turning around, Jack saw that his friend's eyes were filled with anxiety. "The friendship is never going to go away, Daniel," he said. "I promise." And he'd hold to that come hell or high water.
They were silent after that for several minutes, eyes meeting and communicating in a way Jack had never managed to achieve with anyone else, not even Sarah. Finally, Daniel nodded, and he seemed less anxious. "I guess I should be going, then. I need to be up early."
"Yeah," Jack said with a grin that felt more like a grimace. "Good night, Daniel."
The other man stood without speaking for several moments. Then he swiftly crossed to Jack. He gave him a tight hug. Finding himself with an armful of warm archeologist, Jack hugged him back, running his hand through Daniel's hair like he always did when he hugged him.
Daniel pulled away after a moment, and said, "Good night, Jack." Walking away, he left the house, and Jack sank into the nearest chair, staring at the door. Dimly, he heard the car start up outside and drive away.
He wanted so much more than a chaste hug and hair ruffle. It had taken him months to accept the desires he was feeling, so it shouldn't be surprising that it would take Daniel awhile as well. The dreams he'd had on Edora had disturbed him immensely at first. He'd tried to work them off, will them away and finally, to bury himself in a relationship to push the thoughts out of his head.
Trouble was, while he found Laira attractive on a lot of levels, she didn't stimulate him mentally, not the way Daniel could. He'd find himself having fantasies about long conversations full of snide remarks and bizarre, esoteric information passing back and forth. Not being gay didn't seem to matter. Love wasn't apparently about gender, at least not for him. Love was about the meeting of two minds, as cliche as that sounded. Not that any of that would matter to the military, but he knew, if they ever got to the point of talking about it, that it would mean something to Daniel.
Unfortunately, he doubted whether Daniel, ten years younger and incredibly handsome, would find anything physically appealing in an aging man with gray hair, bad knees and the beginnings of wrinkles. He stood up and climbed the stairs to his bathroom and got in the shower. The physical didn't matter, he told himself. If Daniel never wanted him, that didn't mean anything. He knew Daniel cared about him, loved him, even if not in a romantic sense. But thoughts of those long lean legs, the well shaped behind, full lips ... Those fathomless blue eyes were capable of such an incredible range of expression. Jack wanted to see them warm to him, see them lit with passion ...
He dealt with the inevitable consequence of dwelling on Daniel's attributes, then leaned against the shower wall, breathing heavily and letting the water wash over his skin. What was he going to do?
Work on Friday was the normal routine. He went in, looked through the disciplinary reports, found signs of idiocy on the part of several mid-ranking officers, took care of that in a bit under an hour, went over some reports for tactical information, and had a nourishing breakfast of Froot Loops and grape juice.
He had a general idea of Daniel's activities as he prepared for his trip, not least because some of the requisitions crossed his desk where they got instantly rubber stamped. Jack didn't even bother looking into what Daniel wanted the equipment for, and he hoped the other man wasn't taking advantage of his current state of brainless affection. It was Daniel, though. He wasn't likely to.
The morning passed swiftly with activity, and Jack headed to the commissary for lunch just after noon. Daniel was there with Rothman and a couple of the members of SG-11, talking animatedly about plans that didn't include Jack O'Neill. Never mind that they didn't include Samantha Carter or Teal'c either, Jack felt his own exclusion keenly. He got his food and walked over to sit down next to Feretti.
"Hey Jack, how are you?" Jack shrugged and started eating his lasagne. "So, next time I request Daniel on a mission, does this mean I'm more likely to get him?"
"I wouldn't hold my breath," Jack said sourly.
"I'd take just as good care of him as Major Hawkins would."
"On what level exactly is that supposed to be reassuring?" Jack asked. "Daniel asked to go on this, Feretti, and I'm a sucker. That's all there is to it." A couple of the other team commanders sat down across from them.
"Ah, so in order to get Daniel, I have to get him interested first," Feretti said with a knowing grin. "That's good to know."
"Really, is that how it works?" Sumner asked, raising an eyebrow and exchanging a glance with Tomlinson.
Jack gave Feretti a sidelong glare. "I know where you live, Lou."
Feretti laughed, taking the remark for the joke it almost was. "Well, I hear that mission is bound to be a snoozer for the military part of the team, so I'm just as glad it fell to SG-11."
"That depends on how you define 'snoozer,' Tomlinson said. "If they figure out what makes the Goa'uld symbiote tick, we could have a major breakthrough in both defensive and offensive capabilities."
"You better not say that where Jackson can hear you," Sumner said. Tomlinson shrugged his agreement and Lou glanced at Jack, who decided not to point out that pacifist Dr. Jackson was also the man who had shot the daylights out of a tank full of juvenile Goa'uld.
"Anybody heading out today?" Feretti asked.
"We are," Sumner said. "A recon on P6B-360. The UAV shows lots and lots of sand, so I'm pretty thrilled about that."
"This a computer-generated run or did we get the coordinates from someone?" Tomlinson asked.
"Computer," Sumner replied. "Just a standard mission, no bells and whistles that I'm aware of. It's another good opportunity to give Lt. Farrell a chance to go through the gate without lives riding on her."
"How's she working out?" Jack asked. Farrell was both a linguist and an anthropologist as well as being military. She'd been identified as a possibility for this command while still in college, studying to be a forensic anthropologist.
"She fits in fine, but I think she's a little nervous about the whole language thing," Sumner said. "There's no doubting she's good, Jackson says she's got what it takes, but she's not going to be sure of herself till she's had a trial by fire."
They were all silent for a moment. Too many 'trials by fire' came out badly in this command, but there were limits to what they could do to simulate the reality of first contact. "Maybe you'll get some nice peaceful nomads," Tomlinson suggested.
"Maybe," Sumner said. "When's your next mission?"
"Not for another week."
Jack finished up his meal and left the room. Daniel and his companions were long gone by then, off to continue their preparations. The afternoon's work went by swiftly, leaving Jack wondering what to do with his evening. He was just finishing things up when Teal'c walked into his office.
"O'Neill, I would like to take you up on your invitation to come to your abode and watch movies." Jack blinked, trying to remember when that particular invitation had been issued. "It has been some months since you asked me, but I have some freedom from work tomorrow, as do you, and General Hammond has authorized such an expedition."
"Sounds great," Jack said. "You got anything in mind?"
"I have been told that there is a movie regarding hard southern flowers that every man must see," Teal'c said solemnly.
Jack blinked. "Did a woman tell you this?" Teal'c nodded. "See, that would be Steel Magnolias."
One eyebrow raised and Teal'c tilted his head ever so slightly. "I was unaware that magnolias were made of steel."
"They're not," Jack said and Teal'c's brow furrowed. "It's a metaphor."
"Ah." Teal'c's brow smoothed out again.
"But that's a chick flick."
The furrowed brow reappeared. "What is a 'chick flick'?" he asked.
Jack opened his mouth and then closed it again, considering the best way to explain the phrase. It occasionally startled him just what things Teal'c hadn't yet experienced in their culture. "A chick flick is a movie that women like to see."
"Why?"
"Well, 'chick' is a slang word for woman, but I don't recommend using it." Teal'c nodded gravely, and Jack wondered what went on in that brain. Were there just lists of words that he knew but would never use because of warnings? "Flick is an old word for movie."
"I see. Nevertheless, I would like to see this Steel Magnolias."
"Next thing I know, you're going to want to watch Pretty Woman."
Teal'c shook his head. "I find the subject matter of that one distasteful."
"Prostitution?"
"It is very dishonorable."
"For the woman?"
Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "For the man. Perhaps if the woman went into such a profession on a whim it might be dishonorable for her, but not if she must do it for subsistence."
Jack nodded slowly. "Well, so, you don't want to watch Pretty Woman. What about Sleepless in Seattle?"
"I have seen that, with Major Warren."
"An Affair to Remember?" Jack asked.
"The same evening. She was making a point about what your culture considers to be romantic."
"I see. So, have you seen Big?"
"I do not believe so."
"Okay, then, we rent Steel Magnolias and then we watch Big."
"Do we not also have to rent Big?"
"No, that one I own."
An evening spent explaining southern colloquialisms to Teal'c and discussing carnival games and the danger of getting one's wishes filled to the letter rather than the spirit was a near perfect distraction. The only trouble was that he kept wishing Daniel was there to help with the answering.
On Saturday morning, he took Teal'c back to the base and then went shopping for a few things he was sure Daniel would forget to pack. One thing led to another, and he found himself at a specialty grocery store trying to decide between two different bags of cookies. Feeling suddenly embarrassed by the full cart and the thoughts in his head, he dumped both bags of cookies into the cart and went up to the register.
Out at the truck he stared at the proliferation of little bags that had developed in the back. He put the newest purchases in and resisted the impulse to go find some nice warm pajamas. Daniel -- not to mention the rest of the base -- might understand food. Pajamas would look a little odd.
He drove to the mountain and started shuffling his purchases around to fit in fewer bags. If anyone asked he'd say he was stocking up on snacks, he thought as he carefully put as much as he could into opaque bags. It wasn't as if he didn't snack a lot.
"Sir!" Jack turned, startled, at the sound of Carter's voice behind him. She was grinning and eyeing the bags of stuff. "Is all that for Daniel?" she asked, her voice full of amusement.
The glib explanation that he was stocking up slipped through his mental fingers and he shrugged. "He's going to be gone six weeks," he said.
"I'm reasonably certain that SG-11 aren't going to starve him, though I suppose that would be an ample supply of bribes."
Jack nodded, hoping that the heat he felt in his neck and ears wasn't visible. He'd always been fortunate in his complexion, but you never can tell. "I just thought ..." he started, then faltered to a stop when he discovered that his usual supply of facile nonsense was lacking.
She was still grinning though. "Hey, I'm just glad that you two have made it up," she said, picking up a couple of his bags. "It's been a little tense lately."
Jack grimaced. "Yeah, well, I'm sorry. It's my fault, really."
There was an odd expression on her face as she contemplated him, and he had a feeling she wasn't saying 'I know.' "It's nice to see you back to mother-henning," she said. "I mean, I picked up a couple of things myself, but I think it'll mean more to him coming from you under the circumstances."
Jack shrugged. It would mean something to Daniel, all right, Jack just wasn't sure what. They walked into the base, making the appropriate stops for identification checks. "I thought you were up to your ears in reductor rays or something."
She gave him an exasperated look. "Sir, this isn't Flash Gordon."
"Could have fooled me," Jack said. "We've even got nifty ray guns."
"I'm not sure I'd call a zat gun's discharge a 'ray' precisely."
"Don't be a party pooper, Carter."
"Well, we don't have a ship," she pointed out with infallible logic. "You can't be Flash Gordon without a ship."
Jack sighed deeply. "I know. We have to work on that."
"Yes sir," she replied with a chuckle in her voice.
They headed to Daniel's office and found him up to his ears in figuring out what reference materials to take. The evidence suggested that he'd considered several combinations, but wasn't satisfied. As was so often the case when they came upon him in the midst of some academic dilemma, he didn't immediately acknowledge their presence. After a moment he shook his head, and, without turning around, said, "Could you hand me the one on the top shelf over there ... the big red one with the gold binding."
Jack walked over and took the book down, bringing it over to Daniel who took one look at it and said, "No, sorry, not this one, I need the one next to it."
"Daniel?"
The archeologist's gaze sharpened, and he blinked. "Oh, hi Jack, Sam. What are you doing here?"
"Brought you some ..." Jack coughed. "Some stuff."
Daniel's eyes widened as he looked at the bags they were carrying. "Some stuff?" he repeated. "What kind of stuff?"
"I don't know," Carter said helpfully. "Most of this is from the colonel." She put the bags she'd carried in on the desk. "Let's see. Three different kinds of cookies, a bag of bulk fig newtons."
"Jack?"
"What?"
Daniel shook his head and took the bags out of Jack's hands and went to join Carter on her voyage of discovery.
Looking at his team, anyone would expect that if he was going to fall for one of them, it would be the one whose plumbing was on the inside, as she had so memorably remarked on their first meeting. No doubt about it, Samantha Carter was beautiful, strong, brilliant, truly an amazing woman. But somehow, for some reason, Daniel was the one who did it for him. He didn't know what it was. Daniel was certainly not feminine, not by any stretch of the imagination. Beautiful he might be, with his deep blue eyes and flawless skin, but not feminine.
He was exclaiming in dismay over the stuff Jack had brought. "Three full packs of travel tissues?" he asked incredulously. "Eight boxes of antihistamines?" He shook his head and held them out towards Jack. "Janet's got me covered in that department, really."
"You never know, you haven't been to this planet. What if what she gives you doesn't do the job?" Daniel pursed his lips, then shrugged and added them to the stack.
"I seem to have gotten the good bag," Carter said. "Cookies, crackers, candy."
"A box of power bars," Daniel said. "These will come in handy." His eyes narrowed. "Wait, no, two boxes ... three boxes of power bars."
"You do like the peanut butter flavor, right?" Jack asked.
"Sure," Daniel said, blinking. "Jack, isn't this going a little overboard?"
"Daniel, you're going to be gone for six weeks, which means that Carter, Teal'c and I won't be there to leave little plates of food at your elbow, or remind you to take your medicine, eat your lunch, that kind of thing." Jack nodded at Daniel's outraged glare. "So, we've got to prep you in advance." He turned to Carter for support, but she looked like she was going to burst into laughter if she spoke.
"I'm not six, Jack. I can take care of myself."
"Ha!" Jack replied.
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Great, next thing I know, you're going to go to Hawkins and give him the rules for how to deal with Daniel Jackson."
"Oh, he already knows," Jack said. "I go over it with all the new guys when they come in, just to be on the safe side."
Outrage didn't begin to cover the expression on Daniel's face. "Please tell me you're kidding," he said with admirable control.
Carter dimpled. "I believe the unofficial title of the lecture is 'The Care and Feeding of Civilian Archeologists,'" she said helpfully.
"I thought that was something Feretti made up as a joke," Daniel said through clenched teeth.
"Nope," Jack said. He was enjoying Daniel's reaction, but it was probably time to explain a little more. "Mostly, when folks arrive here, they don't really know how to deal with a civilian in the kind of position you have on SG-1, so they need a bit of training. As the senior SG team leader, I'm the obvious person to lead that training, and it naturally requires a bit of ... well ..."
"Anecdotal evidence?" Daniel suggested with a dangerous tone in his voice.
"Exactly," Jack said.
"Charming." Daniel looked disgruntled, and Jack wanted to kiss away that peevish twist to his lips. His gaze lingered on Daniel's mouth for a long moment, and the archeologist turned scarlet.
"No, Daniel," Carter exclaimed, "it's really not that bad. The colonel is just teasing you."
Daniel gulped, and Jack realized what he was doing and turned away hastily, picking up one of the doodads on a nearby shelf to distract himself.
"I'm sure," Daniel said, his voice sounding more than a little tense. "Well, this sure is a lot of stuff."
Jack took in a deep breath and turned around again, still holding the doodad as a convenient source of distraction. "I just found a few things I thought you might --"
"Hey!" Daniel bent and rummaged in one of the bags. "Is this ..." He paused and pulled a tube of sunblock out. "It is! I haven't been able to find this stuff for weeks."
Jack shrugged. Wild horses wouldn't drag the truth out of him, which was that he'd gone to six different stores in search of the stuff. The one sunblock Daniel wasn't allergic to. "I thought you might need some," he said casually.
"Thanks," Daniel said. "Well, I'm now going to have to figure out how to pack all this stuff, so ..."
"Right. I could go grab you some packing crates," Jack said.
"That would be great," Daniel replied, and Jack put the doodad down and walked out. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten himself so completely as to leer at Daniel with Carter in the room. There was just so much he wanted to do with that mouth --
He broke his thoughts off sharply so he wouldn't have to make an embarrassing and altogether inappropriate detour to the little colonel's room.
He was on a mission for packing crates. Think about packing crates, he told himself. Not sensuous lips or tender flesh. Crates! He slammed the door to a storage room open and startled the lieutenant who was doing inventory inside.
Somehow, he had to regain control of himself or he was screwed.
Or not screwed, a rude little voice in his head piped up with. He groaned and picked up a couple of empty crates.
Some portion of Daniel's brain had managed to preserve the belief that Jack was just spinning a line of bullshit to get out of the hole he'd dug himself, but that look had been filled unmistakable lust. He'd seen men looking at women with that same passion. Hell, he'd probably worn that look himself a time or two, looking at Sha're or Sarah. Having it directed at him was a little unnerving.
By some miracle, Sam had completely missed it, though. Apparently the gods favored fools, madmen and horny colonels. He blinked. He wasn't sure that all three of those descriptions didn't fit Jack at the moment.
He shook his head and started putting the books he didn't want back on the shelves.
"How are things between you and the colonel?" Sam asked after a moment.
Daniel felt his skin flush and focused on the books in front of him, not turning around. "Okay," he said. "Kind of awkward."
"That will pass," she said with surety, and Daniel sighed internally. How little she knew.
"Maybe," he said, pulling down the book he'd meant to ask for earlier and turning back. "We'll see."
Sam seemed alarmed by his lack of certainty. "Come on, Daniel, you know he cares about you."
"Oh, yeah, I know that," Daniel said, an awareness of just how Jack cared about him coloring his tone without his intending it to.
"No, really," she said pressingly, apparently taking his dryness for sarcasm. "I don't know why he's been such a ... a ..."
"Prick?" Daniel suggested, then got images he really didn't need, aided by years of locker room showers.
"For lack of a better word, I guess." She twinkled at him. "I can't exactly call my commanding officer that, though."
He recovered himself and snorted. "No, I suppose not. We've talked, Sam, and I know what the problem is. It just may take a little more sorting out than you'd expect."
She leaned against the desk. "Is there anything I can do? I haven't wanted to get involved, but --" She shrugged uncomfortably. "Things are a little different now that the issue's more out in the open."
Daniel shook his head. "Sorry, Sam, there really isn't." Not unless having her seduce Jack would solve his problem. He blinked and shuddered. Like he'd ask anyone for something like to begin with. "I appreciate the offer, though."
"I just hate seeing the two of you at odds."
"I know." He wondered what she'd think if she knew. Sam was a pretty open person, but still ... there were rules and regulations. She might be fine with it, but now was certainly not the time to ask. Time to redirect the conversation. He looked at the pile of comestibles on the table. "I think he's trying to make it up to me in food."
"I get that impression," she said, sitting down as he started tucking the books into the box he had ready for them. "So, are you still angry with him?"
He grimaced down at the books. Sam was never easy to redirect, especially on emotional issues. "Yes and no, and I can't really give you any details about what the issue is."
"Right, private," she said, looking down. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to intrude."
"No, don't ... it's fine, Sam." He shook his head, hating how distressed and forlorn she looked. "Asking is fine, and yes, I still am angry with him about some things. I'll get over it."
"If I'm not being too nosy, what are you angry at him about?"
Daniel shrugged. "A bunch of things. I'm still not over that whole NID sting operation," he said. That would draw her attention away from more recent events. "Maybe it's just that I'm not military, but I found it very upsetting."
She nodded, then sighed. "You never did say what happened when you went to see him."
"I never wanted to talk about it," Daniel said. Redirection had its drawbacks.
"I know," Sam said, "but you know, we did cover for you with the whole 'drawing of straws' thing."
Daniel grinned. That had been a good moment. Then his amusement faded as he realized that Jack had already believed himself to be in love with Daniel at that time. He still deserved a poke back for the blow Daniel had taken, but it was somehow less funny knowing how much more it must have hurt.
"Yeah, you did," he said. Clearly some quid pro quo was in order. He shook his head. "He just said some pretty wretched things that were designed to hurt as much as possible."
Her brows knit. "Designed to hurt?"
Daniel nodded. "He says that I was too close to guessing the truth and he had to get me to stop thinking and start reacting. It makes sense, but ..." He shrugged. "I'm not really big on letting people get close enough to hurt me, and I let Jack in pretty close."
"Is that why you've been kind of distant with me and Teal'c since then, too?" she asked.
Daniel felt a stab of guilt. "I don't know, maybe. It's hard for me to trust and what Jack said really cut me off at the knees."
"What did he say?" she asked, inexorably pushing him to talk about it.
"You heard him trying to fix it afterwards, didn't you?" Daniel said, hedging.
"That stuff about foundations? I didn't really get it."
Daniel shook his head. "It had to do with our friendship having no foundation based on the fact that I hadn't picked up that he was really a rogue NID kind of guy rather than a basically decent and ethical guy."
Sam blinked. "Ouch."
"And then he came back and it was all a lie, and that hurt in its own way, and pretty much made the trust thing worse."
"But wasn't it reassuring to know that wasn't how he felt?"
"Sure, but ..." He bit his lip. "Sam, he told me he had to get me to the point of feeling rather than thinking." She nodded. "That means he deliberately chose to say the most hurtful possible thing."
"But he had a good reason."
"That's not the point, and maybe angry is the wrong word. Trust is hard to gain. It took a long time before I got to the point of really trusting any of you." Her eyes widened, and he hastened to explain. "It's nothing personal, Sam, I just don't do trust."
"I think I understand. Your grandfather --"
A part of him shut down abruptly. "Is only the tip of an iceberg that isn't part of this conversation," he said flatly.
She nodded, flushing slightly. "Right. We were on trust."
"Trust." Daniel felt his lips thin. "I trusted Jack. I let him in closer than I've let anyone but Sha're for a long long time. He knows where my weak points are, and he exploited them. That it was ultimately for the good of the world is great, but ..." He shook his head. "I can trust him with the good of the world, Sam, but I'm not sure I can trust him with me again."
She reached out and squeezed his hand. "And having the person you trusted most ... having him ..."
"I think the word you're looking for is 'betray,'" he said and she winced.
"I was looking for something a little less harsh."
"Sam, betrayal for a good reason is still betrayal." He took a deep breath. "None of us have ever talked a lot about our lives before the SGC. It hasn't seemed altogether relevant, and we're all fairly private people." She nodded. "Well, my past involves a lot of betrayal."
"Right." She looked like she was thinking through things carefully before she said them. "So, having the person you trusted most betray you makes it all the harder to trust anyone else."
"In a nutshell, and it wasn't just Jack. It was Hammond. I'm not big on authority figures, and I've put a lot of faith into that man." That moment, when he'd realized that Hammond had lied to them, had set them up on purpose, whatever the reason, had hurt deeply. "I would never have expected him to pull something like that. Even though I understand the reasoning, it's still ... I mean, he ordered Jack to rip our team apart. That's how Jack described it. If it had been a group of military people, maybe it would have been different, but I'm not military. I never promised to trust my leaders come what may."
"I didn't realize it hit you so hard, and on so many fronts."
"Well, I believed Hammond when he was so angry at Jack, I believed that he was as much betrayed as we were. Having him turn out to be in on it ... to be playing us ..."
"It wasn't like they were playing a joke on us, there was a real, serious reason for it."
"I know, but ..." He bit his lip. "Do you know how much time I spent on that presentation? The only people in that room who didn't know what was really going on were you, me and Teal'c."
"I'm not much of an actor," Sam said. "Teal'c can carry just about anything off, I guess, but ..."
"The point isn't that they wanted us to react right, Sam," Daniel said, anger surfacing again. "The point is that they didn't trust us. They weren't absolutely sure that it wasn't one of us. Jack was only in the clear because he was on Edora for more than three months and the Asgard think he's nifty."
"I know, Daniel, but with operations like that, you have to be careful who's in on the secret. Even if they aren't involved in the wrongdoing, they might inadvertently let the truth slip. The fewer people who know a secret, the safer the secret stays."
"See, I think this is where my not being military comes in," Daniel said.
"Daniel!" Sam shook her head. "I'm sure that your not being military has nothing to do with why they didn't tell you."
Daniel crossed his arms and leaned against the desk, gazing at her with exasperation. "I agree with you," he said.
"Then what do you mean?"
"You expect to be lied to," he said bluntly.
Her brows furrowed and she shook her head. "Not really."
"You do," he said. "You expect your superiors to lie to you, or to tell you that things are none of your business. You accept that as a part of the job. I ..." He shrugged. "I don't fit in with that. I certainly never expected to be manipulated by Hammond like that, with Jack helping, and I'm not really thrilled with the Asgard, the Tollans or the Nox. Travell's condescending comment as she left about how we'd regained her trust ..." He shook his head. "It was insulting. I mean, you and I are the ones who found Thor, but no ... Jack's the one they like." He let out a wordless sound of irritation. "I'm sorry, Sam, you didn't come here for me to rant at you. I just can't help feeling like the three of us were pretty heavily stomped on, and then we were all just supposed to accept it and move on."
"You need to talk about these things, Daniel," Sam said. "Don't feel bad. I asked. I wouldn't have if hadn't wanted to hear what you had to say."
"As far as moving on, you and Teal'c seemed to have managed okay, but I'm just not made that way."
"I wish there was something I could do to fix it," Sam said.
At that moment, Jack came in the door way, two packing bins in hand. "Fix what?" Jack demanded. "If any of the equipment is broken, you're not going."
Daniel closed his eyes. "Not the equipment, Jack," he said.
"Then what needs fixing?"
"Jack!" Daniel exclaimed in utter exasperation.
"Daniel?" Somehow Jack infused the name with the essence of his question.
Daniel rubbed a hand across his forehead. "Jack," he groaned, shaking his head.
"Daniel?" Jack wasn't letting it go.
"It's a girl thing," Sam said suddenly.
They both turned to her in surprise. "Daniel's not a girl!" Jack declared.
"No, but he speaks girl," Sam said.
Jack's eyes widened and he looked outraged. "You speak girl?" he demanded. "And you never told me?"
"It's not an officially recognized language," Daniel pointed out.
Jack smacked him on the shoulder. "Can you imagine how useful that could have been? What, are you holding out on me?"
Too many interpretations of that speech crashed in on Daniel's mind at once and he felt himself go red again. "Jack!" It came out as a strangled squeak, and Sam looked utterly perplexed.
"I didn't mean it that way!" Jack exclaimed.
Daniel opened his eyes wide and stared at the other man. "Jack!"
"Sorry! Sorry!"
"What are you guys talking about?" Sam asked.
Shaking his head, Daniel said, "Jack has --"
"Daniel!" He could see from Jack's horrified expression that he was afraid Daniel was about to spill the beans.
Glaring at him, he turned back to Sam. "Jack has lost his mind competely," he said. "I think they sent out a search party, but they don't expect results for several days."
"Thanks, Daniel!" Jack said sarcastically.
"What are friends for?" Daniel replied with a smile. He glanced at the clock. "Well, I've got a mission briefing in a little over ten minutes, so if you two will excuse me, I've got to finish getting some of this packed up."
"Let me get the stuff I brought packed up, Dannyboy. You go brief."
Daniel looked at him suspiciously, hoping he didn't think this was an opportunity for sneaking in some kind of communication. Daniel couldn't guarantee that no one else would open those boxes. "All right," he said dubiously. "Thanks."
"Think nothing of it," Jack said airily.
Daniel left, thinking that he had to get a handle on his own reactions. Half the problems they'd had came from Daniel's own double entendre issues.
The briefing was simple and to the point, largely because Hammond never let Robert take over. Daniel was amused by the general's adroit handling of his touchy colleague. At the end of the meeting, Hammond wished them all luck and they went their separate ways. Daniel found Jack, Sam and Teal'c together in his office when he got there, with a pizza and some hot wings and beer. He was largely packed, so he just grinned and joined the party.
Jack left before the others did, and Daniel had a feeling he knew why. He didn't trust himself alone with Daniel, even on base.
Jack slipped out of the room while Daniel was deep in a discussion of cultural issues that were interfering with recruiting for the Jaffa resistence. He figured Daniel wouldn't notice, and he didn't dare stay longer than the others did. His thoughts about Daniel were growing more lurid with every second that passed.
Since he knew Daniel was staying the night in the barracks tonight, Jack didn't go there. He was going to stay the night because he wanted to be there to see the expedition off, but he didn't really think that sleeping within the same walls as Daniel was the best idea. For one thing, he might yell something out, and Daniel wasn't the only guy staying there tonight.
Instead, he grabbed some blankets from a storage cupboard and headed back to his office. Tossing them down, he made himself as comfortable as possible on the floor. It took awhile to fall asleep, but eventually he dropped off.
When he woke up, he was stiff in more ways than one, and very glad that he had not joined the other guys in the barracks. Even if no one else would, Daniel would have known the cause of the erection. He thought firmly about paperwork and waited for the wretched thing to subside, then got up and found a shower.
They were leaving at seven in the morning, so Jack cleaned himself up, got a cup of coffee and sauntered into the gateroom as if he had no other reason to be there than curiosity. He walked up behind Harriman and watched SG-11 and their pair of academics get themselves sorted out. Hammond was down talking to Hawkins and Rothman. It was odd to think that on this archeological expedition, Daniel wasn't actually the lead scientist. It was Rothman's project.
On a couple of occasions over the past week, Jack had heard Daniel be quite forceful about that when some of the team tried to get him to make decisions. No resentment, no false modesty, just a simple response that they should ask the man in charge of the mission. Jack was well aware that he was hardly unbiased where Daniel was concerned, but there was something admirable in a man in Daniel's position, technically head of the archeology and anthropology department on base, who could allow someone else to be in charge of a particular expedition. The reasons were valid. Rothman was apparently more experienced with paleontology than Daniel was, and it was Rothman's discovery. There were plenty of people who wouldn't have let either of those factors stand in the way of their chance to take charge of something this important.
Daniel finished getting his gear on, cinching the last strap tightly. Then he glanced over at one of the members of SG-11, laughing at something he'd said. Jack smiled. He was so delicious to look at, even if he still looked a little odd in military get up. As if aware of a watcher, Daniel turned his head and peered up at the control room. Jack took a step back, not wanting to be too obvious, but he could tell that Daniel saw him. His expression changed to an odd little grin. The man next to him spoke again, and Daniel turned back to respond. A moment later, Hammond gave the order for the gate to be dialed.
Harriman started tapping away at the computer and the gate started to spin. Blue energy fountained out horizontally and fell back to pool in the circle of naquadah. Hammond said something that was indistinct at this distance, but sounded like he was giving his blessing to the mission, and they all started through the gate. With a pang of longing that was almost physical in nature, Jack watched Daniel walk through the gate without him.
Within seconds, he was across the galaxy, well beyond reach. Jack spontaneously wanted to rescind permission and make them bring him back, but that was ridiculous. The last man passed through the gate and the next second the wormhole went down, leaving the gate an empty ring.
Jack felt similarly empty. Daniel was gone. Six weeks stretched ahead, during which Daniel might decide that, however important this friendship was to him, it couldn't be maintained with this new strain on it. He might come back with some strategy to help Jack get over it. Who knew what might go on in that brilliant but hopelessly insecure mind of his?
At least he didn't have to worry about physical threats. Daniel might stumble and break something on the dig, or bash his head on a rock, but he wasn't going to be attacked by hostile enemies.
Jack headed home and got a few chores done, paid his bills and basically piddled around until around four. Then he took his keys and drove to Daniel's place. The minute he entered the front door he knew he'd made a mistake in agreeing to take care of this stuff for his friend. Here was a space full of Daniel, his personality, his mind, his influence, his very scent.
The fish food was sitting by the tank. Jack knew just how much to put in, having been coached by Daniel on a couple of different occasions. He peered in at the creatures flitting about in the tank and wondered why Daniel bothered to name them. They were fish, for crying out loud. Not even good-sized fish. They were bait, that's what they were.
Not that he'd ever say that to Daniel.
Once the fish were fed, he wandered around the apartment. It was like a personal museum, full of artifacts and replicas of artifacts. Jack picked up one of the replicas and shook his head. Not for the first time he wondered why anyone would create an exact replica of a broken statue. If you were going to make a copy, why not make one with the missing bits replaced? Probably Daniel could explain the reason, but Daniel wasn't here.
Daniel was off on the other side of the galaxy preparing to make holes in the dirt.
Jack paused behind the chair Daniel usually sat in when he was at home. He should leave. He'd fed the fish, Daniel's mail was being held for him, and, with those things taken care of, there was no valid reason for him to be sticking around. He should get Daniel some plants. Those would require being watered and give him a better excuse to hang around for awhile.
He wandered into the hallway. On his right was the room Daniel used as a home office. Straight ahead was the bathroom. On his left was Daniel's bedroom. Ignoring the siren call of the latter, he went into Daniel's office. It wasn't so different from the room at the mountain. It was lined with books and little bits of the past lay scattered about.
Admittedly, there wasn't a room in Daniel's house that didn't have books in it. Even the bathroom usually had at least two. Here, in this apartment, he felt the presence of Daniel, and unlike Daniel's office at the mountain, it was a private environment. He could get as maudlin as he chose, and he needn't ever tell Daniel.
He peeked in on the bathroom. Sure enough, two books lay on the stand that was meant to hold toilet paper. Other than that, the room was very tidy, which probably meant that the cleaning service had been by. They had learned not to shelve Daniel's books. There were things they wouldn't do, but it seemed that Daniel had taken care of all that already. Dishes and clothes clean, most of the mess picked up ...
Jack shook his head. Distracting himself with thoughts of the cleaning service wasn't working. Inexorably, he was drawn to the door of the bedroom. It was an amazingly prosaic space to be the focus of such yearnings as he was having now.
Dresser, double bed, bedside table, the inevitable bookshelves, it was a bedroom. A plain green comforter covered the bed neatly, the pillows tucked underneath. Jack walked slowly over to the bed and pressed down on it. Very springy, and he closed his eyes, the better to imagine what delightful activities could take place on that surface. Giving in to impulse, Jack stripped the comforter back and lay down on the bed, pulling one of the pillows close and inhaling deeply. The mingled scents of clean sheets and essence of Daniel Jackson met his nostrils, and it was heavenly.
For one instant he was selfishly glad that Daniel wasn't here. If Daniel were home, he could never get away with something like this. The thought made him sit up abruptly. Daniel had trusted him to look after his house in his absence, and here he was, rolling around on his bed, sniffing his pillows. Next thing would be to start exploring his underwear drawer. Then he'd be a full-fledged stalker. He stood up and made the bed carefully and left the apartment without picking up his car keys on the way out.
There followed an embarrassing several minutes with Daniel's landlord, persuading the man that he did, in fact, have a right to be in Daniel's apartment in the first place and getting him to let him in to pick up his keys.
Back downstairs in the truck, Jack leaned his head against the headrest. He was getting in over his head, losing control of his thinking. Even worse, he was losing control of his behavior. He needed to talk to someone sane, someone not judgmental, someone not connected to the US military in any way. Unfortunately, most of his friends didn't fit the bill.
One person occurred to him suddenly, and he switched on the ignition, put the truck in gear and was halfway out of the parking lot before he thought twice. Fifteen minutes later he pulled up in front of the house and sat in front, looking up at the white walls and windows, thinking that this might not be the greatest idea in the world.
Still, he was here, so he might as well go in. He told himself that twice, but it didn't seem to make much of an impression. He was looking down at his hands when there was a knock on the window. He turned in surprise and ran the window down.
"You going to come in, or would you rather drink this here?" she asked, holding out a mug of coffee.
"Sara. Hi." He blinked at her, not sure what to say.
Her brows furrowed anxiously. "Oh God, you're not that thing again are you?"
He shook his head, uncertain for a moment what she was talking about. Her worried eyes scanned his face, and realization dawned. "No, no, Sara. I'm me. Completely me."
"I'm glad to hear it," she said with a puzzled smile. "Come in, Jack, don't be a stranger."
He got down out of the truck and followed her up to the house. As always, it seemed odd to be visiting the place as a guest. She took him into the kitchen where they sat down at the table. "It's good to see you," he ventured. He'd realized, sitting out in the truck, that it could be seen as very rude to ask your ex-wife for advice about your new relationship.
"It's good to see you," she replied. "Surprising, but good. How are you?"
"That's ... that's a good question. I don't know the answer right now. How are you?"
"Good." She leaned closer. "What do you mean you don't know how you are?"
"There's ... a lot going on," he said. "So, have you ... are you seeing anyone?"
She stared at him. "No, not really," she replied. "Jack, you aren't thinking ..." She shook her head. "We can't get back together. It's over."
It hadn't occurred to him that she might think that. He shook his head. "No, Sara, no, I know. I do know."
"Good," she said. "But ...." Her eyes widened. "You've met someone."
"Not exactly met," he said judiciously. "More like noticed."
She nodded, eyes wide. "Are you here to ask permission? Because you know you don't need it, right?"
He looked down. "Actually, I'm here for advice. If I'm overstepping my boundaries, I'll leave."
"Advice?" she repeated. "Jack O'Neill, have you turned shy all of a sudden?"
He considered this question. "Shy? Not so much shy, really."
"Then what is it?" She smiled and leaned back in her chair. "I never would have pictured you having trouble with a woman. You were always so smooth." Jack felt his shoulders slump. "Just tell me she's over twenty-five."
Jack looked up, staring at her. "You think someone under twenty-five would be interested in me?" he asked with mild incredulity. "I'm flattered."
Sara laughed. "I'll have you know, I was hit on by a twenty-one-year-old," she said. "He thinks I'm 'cool.'"
"Good lord!" Jack exclaimed. "You're not --"
"With a twenty-one-year-old?" she replied. "I don't think so. But I gather she's over twenty-five. What's the problem?"
Jack cleared his throat and gulped. "Well, see, that's the problem. She's not a she."
Sara's brows knit. "How can she not be a ... shit." He nodded. "But you're not --"
"Nope."
"I mean, you ... you weren't when we --"
"No, Sara, no, I'm not gay now and I wasn't gay then."
"But you just said --" He was about to interrupt her when she broke off. "Wait, it's not an ... an alien, is it?"
"No, Sara." He shook his head. "Not an alien. The only alien I see often enough is ... well, he's just not my type."
"So you have met an extraterrestrial?" she asked.
He gave her a dry look. "So have you," he replied.
Her mouth opened and then closed. "Right." She shivered slightly, and he reached out to squeeze her hand. "That was ... bizarre."
"I know."
"No, not just when he looked like ..." She licked her lips. "When he looked like you, when I still thought he was you, he said a lot of things ... he said a lot of things that he probably shouldn't have."
"I'm sure he did," Jack said. That bit of crystal had read his entire being and duplicated it, then started talking to his ex-wife a little too frankly for comfort.
"But you clearly didn't come here to talk about that," she said. "So this person you've 'noticed' is a guy?"
"He is."
"And ..." She let out a breath of surprise. "That's ... and you still don't think of yourself as gay?"
"I've never in my life before been attracted to a man. I'm still not attracted to other men. I think ... I think it's him."
"Him? He's seducing you or something?"
Jack was caught by the image. "Oh, I wish," he said with feeling. Sara raised her eyebrows almost to her hairline, and he caught himself. "No, he's not. He's just ... he's so ..."
"You're not expressing yourself very clearly," she observed.
He grimaced. "No, I'm not, damn it."
"Okay, so, what advice are you looking for?"
"I don't know what to do," he said. "I mean, he's ... out of town for awhile." She nodded, and he thought she got the gist. "And what I feel, it's not just physical. I mean, the physical took me by complete surprise. The emotional aspect is almost tame by comparison."
"I see."
"And he ... he's not gay either."
She took a moment to respond, and when she spoke he could see that she was choosing her words carefully. "Is he 'not gay' in the same way you're not gay?"
"No, he's just not gay," Jack said. "He ... I ..."
"He doesn't return your feelings."
"I don't think so, but it's hard to tell. At this point his reaction still seems to be stuck on, 'but you're not gay!' Which isn't helpful."
"It's a far cry from 'get away from me, you crazy queer,'" she said reassuringly.
"Good point," Jack said, blinking. "And comforting, in an odd sort of way. I think."
"So what do you need from me?"
"I don't know," he said. "I'm losing perspective, I think. I mean, I'm looking after his house while he's gone and I ... I started sniffing his pillows."
"Not only is that totally inappropriate, don't you think it's the slightest bit pathetic?"
"Thanks, Sara," he said sourly.
"Anytime. Are you that far gone?"
"I'm in love," he said. "Head over heels, completely, totally, hopelessly, idiotically in love. I went to six different stores to find the sunblock he prefers."
"Did he appreciate it or did it creep him out?"
Jack thought back on Daniel's reactions the night before. "It's hard to say. I was also delivering every snack food I could find that he likes and all the stuff I thought he'd have forgotten to pack."
Sara stared at him. "You really have lost it!" she said, sounding almost awed. "You weren't that bad over me."
"I was!" he protested. "But he was going away, far away, for six weeks, and he's so lacking in sense sometimes that I can't --"
"Jack!" she exclaimed, laughing. "I wasn't complaining. So tell me about this guy. Would I like him?"
"You seemed to. You met him." Jack took a deep breath. "And if you spent any amount of time with him, you'd probably trust him with your dry cleaning, your checkbook and the keys to your truck."
"I met him," she repeated, looking thoughtful. "So, which one is he?" she asked. "The large black man or the young fellow with the glasses? Neither of them struck me as lacking in sense."
"You've never seen Daniel in the throes of archeological fervor," Jack said. "If he was focused on some fascinating relic of the past, a volcanic eruption wouldn't faze him. Without someone to make him leave, future archeologists would find his remains, leaning close to the even older remains of some long dead civilization."
Her eyes widened. "And you let him leave for six weeks?"
"Okay, I'm already feeling insecure about that. Don't help."
"Sorry." She leaned towards him. "You really are freaked out about this, aren't you?"
"I don't like letting him go off without me. Nobody else seems to recognize just how likely he is to forget sense in the light of discovery."
"You make him sound like some kind of absent-minded genius."
"He is," Jack said simply, and she stared at him. "Come on, Sara, in the work I do, don't you think we go out looking for geniuses?" She shrugged agreement. "Daniel spoke twenty-three languages at last count, and that count was taken a couple of years ago."
"That's a lot of languages."
"And he hears a new one, listens for awhile, thinks about it, and manages to communicate. I won't say he gets fluent, but he certainly manages to express himself in ways his listeners understand." Jack crossed his arms and leaned back in the kitchen chair. "He's the gentlest, kindest person I know, and yet beneath that is a will of iron. He won't go along with something just because it's what the government has decided, which has made him somewhat unwelcome in my command from time to time, let me tell you."
"So, what makes you love him?" she asked.
Jack closed his eyes. "I don't know. The basic decency that lives in him despite the hell he's been through, both before joining this program and after. He's so interested in everyone and everything." He shook his head and stood up. Walking over to the window, he looked out at the backyard. "I like what he makes me feel. I get interested because he is. I see things I would never have looked for in people, places. He embodies hope and a belief in goodness."
"Wow."
He looked down at the floor. "I never told you ... that mission they called me back up for was a suicide mission. Go there, destroy all possible threats and that's that. There was no way to do it remotely."
Her eyes narrowed with something that resembled fury. "They ... they what?! In the state you were in, they sent you on a suicide mission?"
"Yup." Turning around, he shrugged. "The reasons for the mission were good on the face of it, but Daniel got himself invited along and that changed the whole complexion of things." Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly. "Long story short, he saved my life at the cost of his own, was ... I think the right word might be 'resuscitated' ... and persuaded me that life was worth living again. All this while making peaceful and productive contact with the locals, charming the village elders sufficiently that they gave him a wife, the daughter of one of said elders."
"Gave?"
"It's kind of a tribal, old-fashioned, arranged marriage kind of place, and before you get too pissed, Daniel's first reaction was to get her clothes back on her and try to give her back, but then the whole humiliation, loss of honor confusion thing happened and he made the best of it. But, being Daniel, he fell in love with her and she fell in love with him, and they were blissfully happy for about a year."
Sara blinked solemnly at him. "That doesn't sound promising. What happened after a year?"
"She was kidnapped, wound up being missing for three years, and then died."
"Oh God," Sara said. "How long ago was that?"
"She died about six months ago," he said.
Sara was silent for several minutes, then she said, "Well, then you really shouldn't put any pressure on him. He's still grieving."
"Ya think!?"
"It happens from time to time," she said dryly.
"I just ... I don't know what to do. I've told him, I had to. I've behaved like a jackass for the last several months because I didn't know how to handle things. When he confronted me about it, I just sort of blurted it out."
"Blurted?"
"Oh yes. There was blurting. There was also babbling. And rambling. It was bad. It was all bad." He paused for a moment. "Well, actually my half was all bad. His half was all compassion and concern, after the completely freaked out part was over."
"He sounds pretty wonderful."
"He is. I'm hardly going to argue with that." Jack shook his head. "He often leaves you with the feeling that a very caring and friendly whirlwind has been through, leaving things a little better in its wake." He walked over abruptly and squatted down beside her. "What do I do? I don't want to lose his friendship, and he's made it very clear that he doesn't want to lose mine. On top of that, we work very closely together, and no one wants that to change. We make a good team, the four of us. An odd team, in which I am the dumb grunt, by the way, but a good team."
"Dumb grunt, huh? Your PhD counts for nothing?"
"I don't talk about my PhD," he said. "Between Daniel's three and Carter's two, it seems a little pathetic."
"Oh." She blinked. "That would be a bit intimidating." She looked like she was trying to do math in her head. "Three? How old is Daniel?"
"Thirty," Jack replied. "He started college at fifteen, graduated by eighteen and had his masters by nineteen."
"He was motivated," she said.
"Archeology, anthropology and linguistics." Jack grimaced. "And then there's Carter, with astrophysics and engineering. It makes a paltry little degree in U.S. history seem kind of useless by comparison."
"You shouldn't feel that way. Everything you learn contributes to what you are today. What about the other one? Does he have the equivalent of a PhD?"
"Not exactly, but by virtue of being who he is and a man of startling intelligence, he's an expert on alien cultures, alien languages, alien warfare, alien weaponry and all things alien." He shrugged. "Don't worry, Sara, I play up the stupidity thing like crazy. It gives me the ability to cut arguments short. Unfortunately, they all see through it, but Daniel's the only one who ever calls me on it."
"I'm glad to hear it. It sounds like the kind of thing you shouldn't get away with."
Jack chuckled. "Somehow it doesn't surprise me to hear you say that. Anyway, the point of this whole visit is that I don't know how to handle things when he gets back. I've never been in love with someone who didn't love me in return. And the fact that he's my subordinate complicates things further. The whole neither of us is actually gay thing, the fact that he's still mourning his wife, the fact that I've been treating him like crap for months ... it's just filled with complications."
She considered for a long moment. Finally, she sighed. "Just take it easy. Try to be yourself, make your usual sarcastic jokes and treat him like ... like one of your brothers in arms. He is, isn't he?"
"Yeah, but that's another thing. He's turning into quite a competent soldier, and I'm not sure I like it. He used to be so uncomfortable with guns, but that's changed."
"Well, people grow, sometimes in unexpected ways."
"Maybe so, but I don't think everyone needs to add the qualification 'I have killed people' to their resumes."
"Well, it's better to kill than be killed, isn't it, Jack? And in your line of work, that can be the choice, right?"
Jack sat down in the chair across from her again. "If only it was that simple."
"What do you mean?"
"With Daniel, it's not quite that straightforward. It might be better to kill than be killed if the other person is a villain and attacking you for a bad reason. On the other hand, if the other person is just trying to protect his own way of life or doesn't really understand what's going on, killing them is a terrible offense, even if not killing them means you're going to die."
"That's how he feels?"
"Oh yeah." Jack shook his head. "He has no sense of self-preservation where innocents are concerned, and his definition of 'innocent' is a bit more encompassing than most people's."
"That does sound challenging," she said sympathetically. "But that's part of why you love him, I think you said."
"It is." Jack sighed. "So, you think I should take it easy. I don't know how to do that. I'm going nuts. I want things I can't have, and in the absence of those, I want things I shouldn't have without permission that won't be forthcoming."
"Jack, you know how to deal with wanting something you can't have. You're not ten. Don't be assinine."
"That's the problem, I'm having trouble with self-control. I mean, I ..." He shook his head. "I just have to dig down and find it, don't I?"
She nodded. "I'm sorry, there's no easy answer. Unless you know of a way to turn off the libido, and unfortunately I don't." She gazed at him for a long moment, her eyes unreadable. "You want him? I mean, you desire him?"
Jack flushed and shifted uncomfortably. His pants were feeling pretty tight at the moment. He cleared his throat and fidgeted. "Um ... yeah." She blinked owlishly at him. "It took me a long time to accept it, but it's kind of hard to miss."
"Have you ever ... I mean, I know a lot of guys experiment, but ..."
"No, I haven't ever." He pursed his lips. "And I probably never will, but dreams ..." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "Daniel won't want me. He's not gay, he's young and attractive to the opposite sex, and I'm an old man who's been a complete jerk to him for months."
"I'd say the odds aren't in your favor," she replied. "But don't count your chickens." Then she gave him a sideways smirk. "And be careful who you're calling old. I'm not that much younger than you."
"Old is as old does," Jack said. "And I've been acting like a cantankerous old fart."
"So quit it," she snapped. "And don't encourage this trend of self-pity. If he doesn't want you, you'll have to learn to live with it or give up the friendship and keep it all work from now on."
He shook his head wordlessly, appalled by the idea. "I can't do that!" he exclaimed when he found his voice. "What am I supposed to do? Announce that we can't be friends six months after his wife dies? It's not like he has a ton of close friends, and he has no family except the team."
"Well, it rather sounds like you gave him that impression about three months after his wife died," Sara pointed out. "Regardless, that tells you your answer. You're going to have to find a way to cope with your feelings that doesn't make him uncomfortable."
"That'll be easier when he stops hearing double entendres in everything I say," Jack commented. "I keep saying stuff, and he gets this odd look in his eyes, and I ... yesterday he did it in front of someone and I started babbling apologies, which just made it worse."
"Okay," she said seriously. "Then you need to take this six weeks and figure out ways to react to situations that could come up. Being caught by surprise is the problem, it sounds like. You have six weeks of leeway to consider possible missteps. Use it."
"Yeah." Jack nodded. "Yeah, that's ... that's good advice. That's one of the reasons I came to you. You cut right through the bull."
"Thanks, I think," she said with a grin. After that they talked for awhile about other things, and Jack went home, to imagine possible situations and his appropriate responses.
Daniel sat back and wiped the sweat out of his eyes. They'd accomplished a lot in the first several days, and he was just as glad Jack wasn't there. It was nice not to have someone standing over his shoulder saying, "Wow, so now you've strung out a bunch of strings in squares. Guess it's Miller time."
He looked out across the dig site. Robert was on the other side explaining to Lt. Sanchez how to dig so as not to disturb possibly brittle fossils. Hawkins was walking the perimeter. Loder and Phillips had gone down to the river to fetch water. Jefferson and Arkin were working on plots catty corner from each other, shoveling dirt out into sifters.
Jack would be bored out of his mind.
Daniel got up and took a swig from his canteen. They had six five by five plots laid out neatly, and Robert had set the men to digging through them methodically. Daniel took up his shovel and began to carefully lift the first layer of ground out of the plot next to Jefferson's. He placed every shovelful into the sifter and when it was getting full, he started shaking it into the bin below. Nothing in the first layer. Sighing, he returned to work.
Jack would be making remarks about how weird it was to get a degree in digging. How many men dug ditches their whole lives without that little piece of paper, never knowing it was necessary?
Daniel sifted through the next layer and found nothing, then started digging again. Suddenly, Robert called out, "Hey, everybody, stop for a minute." Daniel looked up curiously. "Not you Daniel. I want them to watch you because you're doing it right."
Resignedly, Daniel started back to work. After a moment of silence, he said, "Robert, I'm shoveling dirt into a sifter. There's not that much to watch."
"You're doing it right, Daniel," Robert said.
Daniel sighed, standing up and leaning on his shovel. "You stick the shovel in the ground and lift."
Rolling his eyes, Robert said, "You're doing it in layers."
Daniel glanced around at the other plots, some of which had fairly deep holes in one side and nodded. "Point." He looked at the guys, who all looked confused. "Think of it like eating a layer cake from the top down, one layer at a time, not mixing up the layers."
He got several thoughtful nods, and Sanchez returned to work, paying close attention to how deeply he was putting his shovel in the ground. The others did likewise and Robert nodded with satisfaction. He came around to Daniel's side. "When did you learn to speak grunt?" he asked.
Daniel grimaced because he saw both Jefferson and Hawkins turn at the question. He shook his head. "I had to, to explain things to Jack," he said facetiously.
Robert nodded sagely. "Good point." He glanced around. "I'm going to go get the camera."
Abruptly, Hawkins let out an odd grunting sound. Jefferson turned and grunted back, clearly a question. Hawkins responded with a definitive sound. Robert looked affronted, and stalked off out of sight. Daniel managed to keep his reaction inside until his friend was out of sight, then nearly collapsed with laughter.
Later in the evening, after dinner, Daniel retired to his own tent to write up his observations on the dig that day. He picked up his pen, but his mind was caught by wondering what Jack was doing. It was Wednesday at about six p.m. back home, he thought, glancing at the clock on the crate next to his bed. The Simpsons was on in syndication, so unless Jack was actually working, he was probably on his couch with a beer, watching Bart sass adults in a way that Jack would never tolerate from a real child and laughing.
How could this have happened? How could Jack have become so convinced that he was ... Daniel's mind shied away from the words Jack had used. Love just ... how the hell could Jack have fallen in love with another man, much less Daniel?
He couldn't fathom it, yet there had been definite lust in Jack's eyes on several occasions. It was crazy. Jack was demonstrably heterosexual. Daniel doubted he'd ever even experimented with guys. He just didn't have that feel to him. And women of all ages gravitated towards him. He had a strong aura of masculinity that seemed to draw them in. Not to mention his rugged good looks.
Daniel shook his head. It was a phase. It had to be. When he got back, Jack would be dating some hot babe, and Daniel would be able to forget all about this little aberration. Jack would stop behaving like a neanderthal who hated Daniel, but he'd be over this notion that he loved him in any way other than as a friend.
That night, Daniel dreamed of Sha're, that she was telling him something, but by the time he woke up, just what she'd been trying to say was gone. Sighing, he glanced at the solitary photo he had of her, taken by one of the guys on that first trip to Abydos. Reaching out, he picked it up and gazed at her sadly. So much happiness, so much promise, gone past recall.
He put the photo back on the crate and got up. Pulling on a robe, he went out to the shower and cleaned up. Another day at the dig, another day of watching Robert annoy people without entirely realizing it, or caring much when he did. Daniel had forgotten just how much of a people person Robert was not.
The fifth or sixth time a 'Jack comment' wafted through his mind, he wanted to throw something. Here he was, a million light years or so away from Jack, on another planet, and the other man might as well be standing at his shoulder, whispering sly sarcastic comments in his ear. Damn the man, anyway! He kept seeing Robert through Jack's eyes, which was really irritating, and not at all fair to Robert.
He was struggling to keep from jabbing the tip of his shovel through the dirt to vent his frustration when a cry came up from the plot Sanchez was working on. "Dr. Jackson! Dr. Rothman! I think I found something!"
Daniel tossed his shovel aside and ran to join Robert at the edge of Sanchez's little square. Daniel caught sight of a spectacular and sinuous form beneath the dirt. He turned to Robert who was turning to him with a wide grin. Sanchez backed carefully away and climbed out of his pit. "I don't want to do anything else. I might screw it up."
"Right," Robert said. "Good work. We'll take it from here." The effect of this speech was somewhat spoiled by the fact that Robert never took his eyes off the specimen, but Sanchez seemed pleased by it anyway.
Daniel followed Robert into the pit and they knelt reverently. Robert blew as much of the dust and dirt away as would move, but it was still hard to see the details. Daniel turned to get up and grab his tools only to find that Loder was ready with them. He took them with a smile of thanks and pulled out the brushes. Together they bent and started uncovering the fossil Goa'uld.
When they had the full shape of it uncovered, Robert sat back on his heels. "Brutus," he said abruptly, and Daniel looked at him in surprise.
"Brutus?"
"His name."
"His?" Daniel looked down. "You're right, there's no sign that this is a queen, but for the most part the Goa'uld are gender neutral."
"And in a gender neutral situation, English uses the masculine pronoun," Robert said. "'It' just doesn't convey personhood, somehow."
"No, I guess not." Daniel gazed down at the incredible find. A whole, intact, Goa'uld fossil. He wished Jack could see it. Even more, he wished Jack could understand his reaction to seeing it.
Imagining things that co