You Scared Me

by Elfkin

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ase/elfkin/scared.php
Summary: McKay and Sheppard need to work out whatever is happening between them. But Rodney is afraid and John is in no shape to manage it

Part 1 You Scared Me

Walking down the hall toward my room, I'm pretty annoyed. I want a small break, no...make that I need a small break.... before the meeting this afternoon. And that's what is driving me nuts. I feel like a kindergartener for needing it. But Beckett says there's nothing really wrong, it just might be weeks more before all the effects of the Wraith insect are gone. Weeks of fatigue, sudden dizziness, and other 'temporary' symptoms have at least abated enough for me to return to semi-active duty. But I still feel it. I'm still not back to myself. I just spent an hour in Atlantis' makeshift Rec Room and I think my knees are made of jello. And in my estimation that just sucks.

Okay, considering the circumstances with the big bug, maybe 'sucks' was a bad word to use.

I hear McKay coming up the hall around the corner so I stop...and snort. McKay has the loudest walk. The man only has two modes.... Stomping and stomping harder.

Okay, so that isn't exactly fair. Besides, he's pretty damn cute when he stomps around..... Woah! Where Hell did that come from! Suddenly I am reminded of the horrid look on McKay's face when we were in the ass end of the Puddle Jumper waiting to be sucked into hard vacuum when the gate shut down. Okay, they were waiting to be sucked into space, I was waiting to be sucked to death by the bug on my neck. But he looked back at me from where he was working on the routings to get the pods to withdraw... and for a moment.... What did I see? Fear? Worry? Anxiety? For himself? For me? There was just something there. It almost looked like...

No, McKay was just convinced his own ticket was about to be punched. It had nothing to do with me.

"Major, are you alright?"

"Wha...? Ah. Yeah. I'm fine, McKay." Dr. Rodney McKay is standing right in front of me with that look on his face. The one that says he's either annoyed, worried, or has been sucking lemons. Wait, that's his regular expression.

"You look... I don't know, Major... Like shit, maybe?" He never says anything without being an ass.

"Thanks Rodney." I say dryly.

"Well...er... you know what I meant?" He has that flip expression now. Trying to cover up concern.

"Uh, yeah." I can overlook flipness. I'm feeling kinda light headed and I am not sure if I need to lay down that badly or if Rodney is just... I don't know... making things 'that way' between us again.

Now his brow is furrowed. He's annoyed. What a surprise. "Look, do you need help, Major? Or can I leave you here to play zombie in the hallway by yourself without you passing out?"

Make that pissy. He's Pissy again.

"Hey! I don't look that bad." I can do pissy too.

"Yeah.....right. Look, your room is near here...." He stumbled that out with a sheepish look. Is that an offer Doctor?

"I know that McKay. I was headed there. Now if you don't mind." I let him off the hook before that blush he has turns into spontaneous human combustion.

I step around him, meaning to head down the hall. But he has a parting shot. "Sure. Oh, and while you're there, get a nap Major." Rodney asshole alert again. The man is a better bitch than Oprah.

"I'll take that under advisement." I say as I pass him by and head down the hall. But I hear those damn loud steps coming after me. So I halt and wait and he comes up right behind me. "McKay, why are you following me?" I turn around to him, exasperated. I want to lay down. And I want him to go away so I can do it.

"Following you?" He actually manages to blink innocently at me. Wonders never cease!

"Yes!" I gesture at him. "Follow. Stalk. Hunt. Pursue. As in, you were headed the opposite way a moment ago." I can't help but frown at him. The longer I wait to reach my room the worse I feel. Take a hint for pity's sake, McKay!

"Well, I changed my mind. " He offers.

"Changed your mind?" He's usually Hell bent on people leaving him alone to do his work, now he won't go away when I need him to.

"Yes. I changed my mind. Geniuses do that." He drolls flatly.

"Why?" I snap.

"Well, because we are capable of assessing our environs and then making course alterations based upon updated itinerary...."

"Not that! I meant why did you decide to come with me. Why did you decide to harass me on my way to my room?" I am seriously lost as to what he wants.

"Well Major, don't consider it harassment. Ah.....Consider it life insurance."

What the Hell does that mean! "Fly that one by me again Rodney." I rub my temples to dispel the fog there.

"We are going to a meeting this afternoon, Major..... in case you haven't forgotten. You know, In order to discuss you being ready to return to full duty so we can go on a mission to that new address. " He waves his hand around in that 'Yada-yada' sort of way. "And if you show up looking like you do now, then you will be told to report to Carson and not the gate room. Which will make Weir fill your spot with a replacement. Who, while less likely than you to probably get us into actual trouble, will also probably be equally as unlikely to get us out of trouble if we should actually run into any without you." He should be out of breath after that, but then this is motor mouth McKay here.

"Was that a compliment?" I ask cocking a brow, amused suddenly.

"Uh...No." He shakes his head.

"No?" I ask. I know it was couched in there somewhere. And he knows it too.

"Definitely No."

"'Kay, just checkin'" I stare at him, waiting. We always have this awkward dance between us and the next step is his.

"Of course, Major." He waits too... fidgeting. This is where I have one up on him. I can do casual in the middle of Defcon 5.

So I wait some more and as I knew he would, Rodney folds first. "We were.... Uhm. We were headed to your room."

Ah. I guess I'm not going to get out of him following me all the way. And I am really beginning to feel like total shit so I nod to him and resign myself, turning back towards my room. It's not far away, thankfully. I'm about dead on my feet and standing around verbally sapring with McKay is not helping. Rodney can wear you out on a good day. And today has not been a good day. I just can't seem to shake the weariness no matter how hard I push to get my stamina back.

We stop outside my quarters... and he just stands there. So I sigh, unlock my door by sliding my hand over the lock pad knowing that annoys and yet fascinates him. And I let myself in. I expect him to come in too, the odd way he's acting. And I am half hoping he will. Which is stranger yet. But I also am hoping he just leaves and lets me alone because as much as I would like him to come in so we can, I don't know... work out what this is between us, I just am not up to it right at this moment. I need him to go away NOW so I can just fall into bed.

I walk straight to my bed and pull off my outer shirt as hint that it's time for him to go. He doesn't take it. "McKay, I have been getting dressed by myself for several years now." I growl

"Okay." Rodney deadpans.... And just stands there with his head cocked, a slight frown on his face.

So I ignore him. He's a scientist. Most of whom in my experience are freaky about privacy in a way the military breeds out of a man pretty quick. So if I just carry on, then he'll get embarrassed and leave. With this in mind I pull my t-shirt over my head. And the room is suddenly really spinning! "Whoah..." Things are pretty grayed and I am not sure I am standing upright anymore.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Watch it John!" I hear Rodney yell and I feel hands grab like vices onto me, slowing what I think might be a fall..... not sure. Can't tell.... Things are not holding still. "Jeesh! Don't scare me like that again!" .

After a few moments, I can see a little clearer and I can feel the edge of my bed under my butt. We're sitting down, together. He still has an iron grip on me.

"Again?" I croak out finally. Was that my voice?

"What?" He asks. I can feel his heart going a million miles a minute and I think he may even be wheezing.

"You said 'again'. As in I have scared you before." I don't think I could get up if I had to. What a load of horse shit this whole situation is.

"Uh, yeah. Well.... No." Rodney stammers professionally.

"What?" I ask.

"Never mind." He says "Look, for once just cooperate. Lie back. I'll get you off...Uh! I mean I'll get your boots off!" Did I just hear that right? I think my cock did. I wish it was deaf.

"Did I just hear....?"

"No." he insists rather too fast. His face is so red I think he's the one going to fall over.

"No?" Is this déjà vu or what?

"Definitely not." He's let go of me now.

"No?" And I am a shmuck for suddenly missing his hands on me. But I can see he's struggling with something.

"NO!"

"Okay, okay... Rodney, calm down." Have it your way, McKay.

He gets up and wipes sweaty palms on his thighs. "Look, I'm...uh...I'm sorry, Major. You, uhm.... You just scared me with the nearly fainting thing."

"You said that before. And FYI, I wasn't about to faint." Okay, so that's a lie. But then I can't really be expected to admit I sorta fainted.

"I did say it before, because I have to repeat things to people like you" he snaps. "And FYI, You DID TOO nearly faint. Like a big girl!"

"What!" I yell. Which grays my visions a bit again. He is really asking for it.

"John, don't make me call Beckett." That's low. He may love the infirmary, but I hate it.

I feel his hands steady my shoulder. "You wouldn't......" I glare up at him.

"I would." He tries to push me back and I brush off his hands.

"What about the life insurance thing?" I ask, so weary that I can't hardly sit upright.

"I could plead allergies or a flu or hypoglycemia or migraines or...."

"I get the point." He doesn't want to go out there through the gate with our team incomplete and I don't want him to either.

"Good. Now lie back. I don't do 'nice' every day. Don't make me regret it." I finally give in. I'm too wasted to discuss his motives, his Freudian slip, or anything else.... I might as well let him help me this once.

"Why are you doing 'nice'?" I am on the way out, but I'd like to know.

"Cause you scared me." He says for the third time. Having unlaced the boots he pulls them off and moves my legs over, grunting like they weigh a ton.

"You said that al..."

"I know I said that already." He pulls off my socks and makes a face as he throws them onto my boots.

"But what is it you really mean?" I raise my head to look at him thoughtfully. I suddenly really need to know .

"It just means you scared me." He whispers as he throws a blanket over me. "Now get some sleep, Major."

And he turns out the light and leaves. I want to have the energy to puzzle this out. But it will have to wait.

Part 2 Getting Passed It

Walking down the hallway, I can't seem to organize my thoughts. To focus on my work. The Major has been cleared for light duty for two weeks now. There's a mission briefing this afternoon and Beckett will be there to make his recommendations pending a final exam. I think John's worked out some deal or another with Beckett that if he's fit enough at his pre-mission exam, then he gets to go off world with the team again instead of someone else leading us.

Huh.... Off World? You'd think I considered this place my home, or something. But isn't the goal to get home to Earth? Back to steak dinners, non rationed chocolate and of course....sex without the whole life-in-a-fish-bowl problem?

Yes, back to good ole Earth where what, Major John Sheppard goes back to that frozen wasteland he was posted at and I go back to being the governmental golden boy brain-trust whose sad excuse for a social life includes strings of desperate one night stands that I actually sometimes get to pay for? No. The dating scene on Earth is not much friendlier than it is here.... Just in a different way. There, the anonymity is a plus, but the options aren't easy when one is over 30ish....Gay, ever-so-slightly pudgy and a nerd of Galactic proportions. But at least I could buy a sex life on Earth. Here? Gah!

But maybe Earth would be worse in some ways. This place is constantly dangerous, horrifyingly so...and I've acquired this hole in my self preservation instincts that I totally don't get What the Hell is that all about! The only thing I am getting out of this stint in the Pegasus Galaxy is a disturbing amount of hard-ons and wet dreams inspired by the biggest pain in the ass in the Universe next to General O'Neill with two 'l's'.

But lately it's been worse.... Life revolves around a constant sense of unwelcome panic having nothing to do with my own survival. Sheppard scared the crap out of me. Part of me was hoping the bug would kill him so he didn't have to face the reality of death by explosive decompression. But part of me was scared shitless that I would have to watch that thing kill him only to suddenly find a way home at the last minute for the rest of us. Have I mentioned I how much this sucks?

Though considering what my brain wants to do with John after a nice dinner of Pâté de Lapin..... Maybe suck is not a good word to use.

This is me, Dr. Rodney McKay. Not Daredevil. Or rather, sidekick to Daredevil. It's not my job to get scared witless for him every time we go through the gate. I'm an intellectual. I'm supposed to be busy being scared for just me. I should not have to shoot things for a living.

I walk around the corner and Oops! I almost run right smack into the object of my reflections. And wow does he look like shit. In fact.... He looks like shit that is about to fall over. "Major, are you alright?"

"Wha...? Ah. Yeah. I'm fine, McKay." That was about not convincing.

I frown, not knowing weather to be annoyed or worried that he is just standing there looking like... "You look... I don't know, Major... Like shit, maybe?" That whole pallor and sheen of sweat thing. Dead giveaway. Not that I need one.

"Thanks Rodney." he drawls.

"Well...er... you know what I meant?" I offer. Then it occurs to me that he might, and then again, he might not. I just can never read this man. Some days he seems to read the people around him like a book. And sometimes he seems utterly oblivious.

"Uh, yeah." is all he says. What the hell does that mean! Does it mean, 'Yes Rodney, I understand.' Or does it mean 'What-the-fuck-ever.'?

Now I'm annoyed for sure. "Look, do you need help, Major? Or can I leave you here to play zombie in the hallway by yourself without you passing out?" I know, I know. It's not nice to get pissy with the guy who looks like he's three steps from passing out on the floor.

"Hey! I don't look that bad." Okay, he can do pissy too. Though on him it looks more like petulant boy. Of course, that would actually qualify as denial.

At any rate. "Yeah.....right. Look, your room is near here...." God! Why do I feel like a college student proffering my first fuck?!

"I know that McKay. I was headed there. Now if you don't mind." Whew! He missed the blush. He must really be in bad shape.

He steps around me, meaning to head down the hall. But I'm not ready to let him out of my sight yet. So abiding by our 'must-have-the-last-word' rules of engagement, I throw a parting shot. "Sure. Oh, and while you're there, get a nap Major." Boy, I'm a bitch.

"I'll take that under advisement." he says flatly. I just bet you will, Major. But why don't I make sure you make it all the way. You don't look like you're aware of the fact that you are slightly trembling. And while we were standing here.... You got that much paler. Yep, No mission tomorrow.

I know he knows I followed. I'm not hiding it. But he suddenly pulls up and turns around to face me. "McKay, why are you following me?"

"Following you?" I blink innocently. He's exhausted and needs an escort and I'm not gonna get shit done in my lab if I don't see him all the way. Plus I'll get perverse pleasure out of annoying him for a change.

"Yes!" he waves at me.... "Follow. Stalk. Hunt. Pursue. As in, you were headed the opposite way a moment ago." He frowns at me. Make that glares at me.

"Well, I changed my mind. " And I did.

"Changed your mind?" Wow, John. That's not a hard concept.

"Yes. I changed my mind. Geniuses do that." I droll.

"Why?"

I know what he wants to hear.... That I am worried, that I want to make sure he gets tucked in before I go... that I really want to give him the best blow-job he's ever had... But I'd rather deflect the issue for now. He's in no shape to talk about it. "Well, because we are capable of assessing our environs and then making course alterations based upon updated itinerary...."

"Not that! I meant why did you decide to come with me. Why did you decide to harass me on my way to my room?" He's so damn cute when he's lost.

"Well Major, don't consider it harassment. Ah.....Consider it life insurance." Word games with him are more fun when we are both 100%. But I'll take what I can get.

"Fly that one by me again Rodney." He's rubbing his temple now. Does he know his hands are trembling? I need to speed this up before I'm forced to pick him up off the floor. "We are going to a meeting this afternoon, Major..... in case you haven't forgotten. You know, In order to discuss you being ready to return to full duty so we can go on a mission to that new address. " Yeah, Like that's gonna happen with him looking like this. "And if you show up looking like you do now, then you will be told to report to Carson and not the gate room. " Which I needn't even put money on. It's a sure bet. "Which will make Weir fill your spot with a replacement. Who, while less likely than you to probably get us into actual trouble, will also probably be equally as unlikely to get us out of trouble if we should actually run into any without you." He's looking at me now, his head tilted in that thoughtful way he does and he looks a bit amused. I'm being mocked. I can tell. "Was that a compliment?" Yep. That would be mocking me. "Uh...No." Like I would ever really compliment him. To his face anyway."No?" He's playing the schoolboy charm routine that I am immune to.... "Definitely No." At least I think I'm immune to it. "'Kay, just checkin'" Now he's waiting, with that knowing half grin on his face that makes Little Rodney twitch. This is more of that weird chemistry we have between us.

"Of course, Major." Can we just go already? I could wait longer, but I have sciatica. And if I wait much longer he's literally gonna hit the floor and then I am going to aggravate said sciatica trying to catch him. I think my socks are a darker color than John is right now.

So I wait some more and he's waiting too. Talk about spiting the nose for the face.... Or whatever the saying is. I guess I'll let him have this round. "We were.... Uhm. We were headed to your room." There, that didn't hurt too bad.I can see the moment he realizes I'm going to follow him all the way. It's a testament to how shitty he feels that he just slumps his shoulders, nods and turns to make it back up the hall. His room is not far away, thankfully. I can't imagine what he did today to wear himself out. Maybe I should call Carson.

We stop outside his quarters... we just stand there. He's giving me another hint that he wants me to go away. But he's about dead on his feet and I want to see the inside of his room anyway. Eventually he sighs and unlocks the door. You know. I never know whether to be annoyed, jealous or fascinated by his ability to do that.

He looks back at me briefly before going straight to his bedroom. He didn't even bother closing the door so I do it for him. And then I follow him again. Now at this point Sheppard could get in bed and I could go to my lab and get some work done. But something has rooted my feet. So here I am. I'm a bit transfixed watching him pull his black team shirt off. He, one the other hand, is annoyed. "McKay, I have been getting dressed by myself for several years now." He growled that at me. Kinda sexy. "Okay." I know I should go. But really..... I'll just see him tucked in. At this point he's safe in his room and I can indulge myself a few more seconds before I go and do my afternoon research with the warm feeling of having gotten one up on the Major nestled deep in my belly. Okay, so the warmth nestles a bit lower most of the time.... Whatever. He's ignoring me, so I'm taking the chance to admire the view as he goes to peel off the t-shirt. And it's doing wonders for my southern blood supply. *sigh* His shoulders taper really well down into that slim waist... and that nice, trim.... wait a second.... He's listing!

He's made some confused noise or another and suddenly, before I can think about it, I've grabbed him by the shoulders just as his knees give way. God, he's heavy! "Hey! Hey! Hey! Watch it John!" His head is lolled over and from the looks of it, he's out! I barely manage to pull him to the edge of the bed and plop us down. He has just got to quit this shit. He's taking years off my life here!After a few moments, he lets out a moan and gives his head a small shake. And I am pretty sure that while he's only been out for a few seconds, it was the shit scariest few seconds I've ever had. "Jeesh! Don't scare me like that again!"

He drunkenly rolls his head back up..."Again?" he croaks out. "What?" Either he is not making sense yet or I am having a panic attack..... Or both. "You said 'again'. As in, I have scared you before." He squints up at me, confused.

I'm holding him upright on the bed and Sheppard has the temerity to wonder why I'm freaked! "Uh, yeah. Well.... No." Classic Rodney. Okay, try to reengage your brain for the half conscious man. "What?" he asks.... Trying to sit up under his own weight.

Yep, he didn't understand that either. "Never mind. Look, for once just cooperate. Lie back. I'll get you off...Uh! I mean I'll get your boots off!" Did I say that! Okay, note to self...... When in a dire situation involving Sheppard's health, do not disengage brain in panic, because semi-sentient penis takes the oral controls when you do.

"Did I just hear....?" Fuck! He chooses now to become coherent!"No." Maybe I can convince him it was all some delusion born of him having passed out. "No?" Sheppard asks me with a slight boyish whine. Is this déjà vu or what?"Definitely not." I let him go. I'm hoping he doesn't fall over, but right now maybe a good head injury would get me off the hook. I could always act like I didn't offer him sex the moment he was having a vulnerable moment. "No?" Is he still impaired, or is he really wanting me to have offered. Now I'm the one confused. Maybe....."NO!" I'd better not go there. It's enough that he totally freaked me out nearly dying on that puddle jumper. It's enough that I had to watch them resuscitate him scared shitless that I had managed to pull everyone out of the fucking fire but him. It's enough that he scared me shitless just a minute ago. I do NOT need this. "Okay, okay... Rodney, calm down." You calm the fuck down! I get up and wipe sweaty palms on my thighs. I have got to get a handle on this. I need to know what it really means. "Look, I'm...uh...I'm sorry, Major. You, uhm.... You just scared me with the nearly fainting thing.""You said that before. And FYI, I wasn't about to faint." What the fuck ever!

I think I'm wheezing again. "I did say it before, because I have to repeat things to people like you!" All hail Bitch Queen Rodney. "And FYI, You DID TOO nearly faint. Like a big girl!" Yeah... like calling him a girl is gonna make matters better. Great job, McKay. "What!" Yep, that sooooo... did not do the trick and now he looks like he's gonna pass out again. Fuck me! "John, don't make me call Beckett." I say in a low voice meant to calm him. That's low, I know. He's one of those people that for whatever insane reason, does not readily avail himself of the reassurance that his profession has not lead to some speedy doom in the form of regular visits to his physician. Besides, he knows that if Beckett saw him now he'd be taken off even light active duty for God only knows how long.

I try to soften the blow with touch. Besides, I need to touch him. I need to know he's not going to fall over . But he's still tense. "You wouldn't......" He glares up at me his face white with anger as much as anything now. "I would." I assure him quietly. And he brushes away my attempt to lay him back on the bad. "What about the life insurance thing?" Huh? Oh.... That..... "I could plead allergies or a flu or hypoglycemia or migraines or...." I plan on it as soon as I'm out of here anyway. He's in no shape to go off world. "I get the point." Good. I believe him. John doesn't like us to go out there without him to protect us. And it's not the same without him. If he's not ready, then neither are we.

"Good. Now lie back. I don't do 'nice' every day. Don't make me regret it." He finally gives in, of course not without throwing me his 'we'll talk later' look. "Why are you doing 'nice'?" Oh, no, John.... Your ass is going to bed. I need to go find a place to have a private freak-out over this and then I need time to talk to Carson about what happened. "Cause you scared me." I pull off his boots and set them aside. God my back is killing me now. Maybe he'll listen this once.

"You said that al..." Or not.

I interrupt him. "I know I said that already." I pull off his socks, freaked that I would pull stinky socks off of any person and not mind doing it.... Just because they needed me to. "But what is it you really mean?" He's really not going to leave this alone. So I sigh..... "It just means you scared me." I whispers. He's about out. I could start the talk we need to have and he would fall asleep a word or so into it. So instead a grab a blanket and throw it over him, fighting the urge to crawl in. "Now get some sleep, Major."I turn out the light and leave. I want to have that talk that will get me passed the fear. The talk that will make him understand how fucked up he's making me feel. But not right now. We'll get passed it another time.

Right now I'm off to Beckett's office to talk to him about Sheppard and to get my lower back x-rayed.