The Handbook
by The Huntress
URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ash/huntress/handbook.php
Summary: John skims a manual Jack gave him, that was specially written by Jack himself
Info:
Author's Note: Inspired by Genie's fic Nihil Obstat, (wherein the handbook is mentioned, though she doesn't say who wrote it and that is was written specially for SG-1) which can be found here:
http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=4739
God, John hated Rodney.
The physicist was infuriating, loud-mouthed, stubborn and...and...sleeping in his arms, snoring softly, a stress-free smile on his face. He also had bandages around his ribs and a swollen eye. Of course, John wasn't faring much better. His lip was split, shoulder dislocated and his ego had been horribly bruised. Ronon and Teyla also had their own wounds that would take quite some time to heal.
Reaching over to his nightstand, John pulled out the manual Jack had given him on his last trip back to Earth. When he'd explained that Atlantis was now his home, that he wouldn't be returning to Earth again, Jack had presented it to him, told him to read it, pay attention to the words. The General himself had prepared the manual when he had been informed that McKay was on Sheppard's team and had seen the looks that passed between them. Jack reiterated that John should read it carefully, as some things in life were constant, universal and that he had personal experience...*lots* of personal experience.
John had tossed it in a drawer when he returned home, and that had been months ago. Maybe if he had actually read it his team would be in one piece now. So he opened it and began to skim the pages....
***
1. Scientists are to be watched very carefully. They tend to touch things which start minor problems, such as civil, holy or intergalactic wars. In addition they have a tendency to piss off the alien race you are attempting to negotiate with by showing off their brains and making said aliens feel inferior.
2. *Never* second guess your geek/scientist. He can be extremely scary and odds are he has a glare which sends even the most hardened marines to hide in closets or drives them to tears.
3. Female teammates, especially those that are warriors, are not to be underestimated. They can kick your ass, especially for three to five days out of the month.
4. Always ensure you have plenty of chocolate for both the female on your team (refer to number 3) and your scientist, who is most likely a chocoholic. If chocolate is unavailable, Power bars may substitute, but not the plain kind. These will only get you the 'death glare' which will send *you* into the nearest closet. (Note: Do not come out of your hiding place until you have verified that your geek has had his sugar fix)
5. The same goes for caffeine. Your scientist will become more then irritable without his java and may beat you upside the head if you neglect to take some on a mission. If coffee, for whatever reason, is unavailable, caffeine patches or Benzedrine may substitute. If *these* items are unavailable, and you see your scientist get 'twitchy', hide behind *your* CO/alien/female warrior or remind your scientist that you have a gun and are not afraid to use it. Of course it is prudent to remember that he has a razor-sharp tongue as well, which can be more frightening then a Naquadah bomb.
6. If your team includes an alien, do *not* laugh at his/her jokes. They are most likely unfunny and if your mouth forms even a teeny-tiny hint of a smile they will continually tell them. After hearing a joke about a Goa'uld, an Asgard and a Furling going into a bar for the fifteenth time, you may border on homicidal. But remember, your alien, like your female teammate, can kick your ass also. And if your alien happens to be female, remember number 2 and run to the nearest closet.
7. Do your best to avoid alien foods and parties/celebrations. In the morning you will either A) realize you confessed your love to your (very male) scientist and had sex in front of everyone or B) remember that you instigated a penis-measuring contest (and you didn't win - your geek got first prize) or C) find yourself engaged to the eldest daughter of the tribal chief.
8. Do not touch any strange mirrors that do not cast a reflection. You may end up in a place where your scientist (and friends) do not know you, (or hate you) and a female you like as a friend is your fiance.
9. If you have a brain, don't use it in front of your scientist. He will then drag you to his lab/office at ungodly hours to do some silly experiment. However, this may work in your favor - make him feel guilty (geeks always have a guilt complex) about your not getting enough rest and he will ensure you get back to bed immediately...and not by yourself.
10. The 'no-sex offworld' rule is a bunch of BS...as long as the ones doing it are you and your geek, and not you and an alien bimbo.
11. Learn to make 'puppy-dog' eyes at *your* CO when you disobey orders and remind him/her that you did it for the team/planet/general population, whatever. If this does not work, refer back to number 2 and locate the nearest closet.
12. Do not smirk or make smartass comments at aliens who are holding you captive. This will piss them off and they will take it out on your scientist, not you. And *never* give that 'cocky flyboy' grin to an alien female (refer to number 7, part C).
13. If she glows, run. And be sure to take your scientist with you. Refer back to number 2 yet again and hide until she is gone.
***
John felt Rodney begin to shift in his arms and put the manual down...for now. He was tired himself and tomorrow would take the time to read the book in full, memorizing each and every chapter, so he could attempt to avoid any future injuries.
"John," Rodney whispered, "you okay?"
"Never better. And have I told you today that you are a trouble making geek who makes my life a nightmare, who causes me sleepless nights and might possibly be giving me an ulcer?"
"Possibly?" Rodney laughed and winced from the pain in his ribs. "Then I'm not doing my job correctly."
John brushed his lips over Rodney's. "Go back to sleep, baby."
Rodney smiled and lay his head back into the crook of John's uninjured arm.
As Rodney began to snore again, John took one last peek at the manual, reading the title of the last chapter....
14) Once you let your scientist into your heart it will be impossible to stay angry at him. He will get mushy and snuggle with you. Allow him to do this as it will remind you why you fell in love in the first place.
"Ain't that the truth," John muttered to himself, kissing Rodney one last time before he let sleep overtake him as well.
God, John loved Rodney.
FIN
