Lapse Of Memory

by The Huntress

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ash/huntress/lapsemem.php
Summary: An accident causes John to regress back a few years...before the Stargate and before he discovered his feelings for Rodney

"That hurts," John Sheppard groaned as he sat up, looking around. "Aww shit, not the infirmary again. BRADEN! I WANT OUT OF HERE!"

"Major, do you mind not screaming?" Carson Beckett came over, shaking his head. "I have two other patients and I don't want them disturbed."

"Yeah, okay." John studied the face before him. "Who are you anyway? One of the new guys working with Braden?"

The doctor blinked at him. "Mike Braden?"

"Yeah," John nodded, "he's CMO."

"CMO?"

"Uh, Chief Medical Officer." John smirked. "It's an acronym."

"Yes, I know," Carson answered calmly. "Major Sheppard, can you tell me where you are?"

"Well, unless I was relocated during the night, I am probably in McMurdo's infirmary." He glanced around again. "Which looks like it was remodeled."

"McMurdo. I see. Major, I'd appreciate it if you would just lay back down for a little while."

"Why?"

"Doctor's orders."

"Yeah, all right. And you didn't give me your name."

"Beckett...Carson Beckett."

"Nice to meet'cha."

"One last thing Major Sheppard." Beckett was afraid to ask, but knew he had to. "What year is it?"

"For Christ's sake," John sneered in reply, "it's two thousand and two."

"Uh, very good Major. I'll see you shortly."

~~~

"HE WHAT?" Elizabeth Weir was staring at her CMO. "He thinks he's *where*?"

"Did you say McMurdo?" Ford asked.

"Aye," Carson sighed, "and he thinks it's two thousand and two."

"He thinks he is stationed in Antarctica again?" Teyla asked, all eyes staring at her. "The Major speaks about his time there often. It was, for a long while, a happy time for him."

"And how exactly did this happen?" Weir asked.

"We were trying to repair transport tube three," Aiden replied. "You know how the Ancient stuff reacts to him. Anyway, he must have replaced the wrong crystal because when it turned back on an electrical charge shot out at him. It tossed him across the room and knocked him out."

"So it's your fault this time, *Aiden*," Bates' grinned. "I thought it was *always* the Major's."

"Shut up...*Eugene*," Aiden sneered.

Mia Symonds, one of Beckett's assistants chose that moment to interrupt the meeting. "Doctor Beckett, Major Sheppard is gone."

Carson jumped out of his seat. "What do you mean gone?"

"I went to check on him but he discharged himself...as usual. I've got a few people out looking for him and I'm sure we'll locate him shortly."

"Make it quick!" Carson screamed, quickly calming. "I'm sorry for shouting but he has no idea where he is."

"My men and I will find him," Bates said.

"After all," Ford added, "it's not like he has anywhere else to go."

"Should someone inform Rodney McKay?" Teyla asked. "He will be returning from the mainland soon."

"I'll do it," Ford said as he got to his feet. "And I'll send anyone I find along the way on a search for the Major."

~~~

John had been wandering the corridors for a while and eventually found a balcony, stepping outside. He was obviously no longer in Antarctica and based on the weather figured that he was on an outpost somewhere in the Pacific. He stood outside, enjoying the air, thinking for one brief moment it didn't smell right, but brushed the thought aside as too silly. He stayed there until the sun set...and the two moons began to rise.

Now a normal man would most definitely freak out at the sight; but John Sheppard, as Rodney McKay (and others) had frequently pointed out, was not normal. He took it in stride, making the quick connection that he was no longer on Earth, but how he'd left and why, well, he'd find out soon enough. Right now he was tired and was *not* going back to the infirmary. As he entered the corridor again he muttered, "Where is my room?" and immediately saw what appeared to be an elevator door open. Stepping inside, he looked around, not seeing any familiar buttons to push. "How do I get to my room?" he asked aloud. The doors shut for a moment and when they opened he was staring into a new corridor. Stepping out he looked around and watched as a door slid open. Peering inside he saw the familiar poster of Johnny Cash above the bed and knew this room was his.

"O-kay, this room is pretty big." He noticed the bed immediately. It was actually two frames together with one large mattress and a pillow on each side. "I guess I don't live alone." He studied his left hand. "Good, no ring. At least I wasn't stupid enough to get married again." He went through the drawers, seeing a few personal items, but not much and all his. Although why he had both boxers *and* briefs in his drawer was a puzzle to him. John had always hated boxers. And blue tee-shirts? He'd always looked terrible in blue. The closet was full of uniforms...at least they looked liked uniforms...but in different sizes. A few were larger then the others.

John entered the adjoining washroom, finding a shower stall, what appeared to be some kind of toilet and a sink with two of everything crowding it. "Now I *know* I don't live alone." He went back into the main room, searching for any photos of him and his lover. He grew frustrated when the only photos he was able to locate were of him and another man. In one they were grinning at each other. In another the two were sleeping, his head on the other man's shoulder. The last photo he found gave John pause as it was in a haphazardly made frame, of what appeared to be popsicle sticks no less, displayed on the table. He and the man were touching foreheads, eyes half closed. The word 'ritual' flashed through John's mind but he brushed it off.

"Nah, he's my best bud, gotta be. Judging by our eyes, we were drunk when that was taken. Now, let me try and find a photo of my girlfriend." After searching a bit John finally found it. The two of them were obviously at a party and they were kissing. 'Oh yeah,' he thought with a grin, 'I did okay for myself.' He stood the photo up on the table beside one side of the bed, stripped and slid under the sheets, wondering how long before his lover came to bed. He looked for a light switch, wanting darkness and the lights seemed to shut off on their own. He wanted to hear the ocean and the balcony doors opened. It was weird, yeah, but kind of cool. He'd find out more in the morning. His last sight before he fell asleep was the photo of the woman he'd placed beside the bed and John slowly drifted off to the sounds of the ocean waves.

John had no way of knowing that he kissed Teyla Emmagon during an Athosian party...and on a dare from Stackhouse. Nor could he have known that kissing her would bring out a fiercely jealous Rodney McKay, who followed John to his quarters and kissed him...and kissed him...and kissed him until John was begging for more. John had no memory of the night his orientation as that of a heterosexual went straight into the toilet. That he gave his body over to Rodney and by dawn had given away his heart also. That he'd let Rodney fuck him and blow him and tie him up. That Rodney could do whatever he pleased with John's body and John allowed it...and vice-versa.

God, John was about to get one hell of an emotional shock.

~~~

Nobody wanted to alarm Rodney, so it was agreed to tell him when he returned from the mainland on his own. He returned late and of course left the hangar thirty seconds before Ford entered and headed for the quarters he and John shared. He was happy, he was giddy, he was horny and wanted to nail John to the mattress. And if John wanted to top, that was okay also. When it came to making love with John, Rodney McKay was quite flexible. He entered the room quietly, stripped off his clothing, pulled back the sheet and climbed into bed, John's arm stretching out to welcome him....

~~~

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" The lights came up at full brightness, John staring around the room, focusing on the floor. "Wha...who the hell...get out of my room!"

Rodney was sitting on the floor where John had thrown him. "What was that for?"

"You...you touched me!"

"Of course I touched you, you dumbass!" Rodney fired back. "I haven't seen you since this morning. I missed you. What did I do? Wake you from a bad dream? Do I look like a Wraith to you?" Rodney attempted to get back into bed but was shoved away. "Damn, John, do that again and I'm moving out!"

"EXCUSE ME?!"

*Now* Rodney was getting pissed. It had been a long day on the mainland, doing a bit of archaeology with Zelenka and Phipps...not to mention the Athosian children who followed *him* around. Why did he constantly attract children? Didn't they realize he hated them? Well, except for young Jacintha, all of five, who fancied herself in love with him. She was too cute for even Rodney to hate. But still, the constant questions had gotten on his nerves all day...and now John. He lay down and curled up, faced away from his lover. "Good-night...Major Sheppard!"

John pulled the covers back. "Who are you and why are you in my bed?"

"Not funny John. Now give me back the blanket. And I'm sleeping on *my* side of the bed." Rodney smiled to himself. "Unless you apologize." He turned over, his erection quite evident. "And I figure you have to be pissed because I was in a rush this morning and I didn't even kiss you good-bye."

"Oh shit," John muttered. "No wonder there were photos of us. You're my....you're a GUY!"

"Yeah? And you're just noticing this now?" Rodney snickered.

"You're a guy." John stood, pulled on his pants and began to pace. "I'm a guy." He stared at Rodney. "We're both guys." His mouth dropped open. "I'm gay?"

"John, you're scaring me now." And Rodney *was* frightened. His lover seemed lost and very confused.

The doors opened to Ford, who sort of stared at Rodney. "Er, I've been looking for you."

"You want to tell me what happened?" Rodney asked as he got dressed, trying his best to keep calm. "Well?" Ford mumbled something and Rodney only caught a few words. "What was that?"

"He got an electrical shock repairing a transport tube. And he thinks it's two thousand and two."

"I can't believe I'm gay," John suddenly said.

"You're not gay," Ford said and caught Rodney's face. "He's not gay. Gay would imply other men. He just likes you. Remember the night he said...."

"*He* is still in the room!" John shouted. "And just what did *he* say?"

"Shut up John!" Rodney suddenly screamed, turning back to Ford. "You think this is *funny*!" Rodney looked dangerous and Ford backed up.

"Now c'mon Rodney," Ford stammered, "it could have been worse."

"How so, numbnuts?"

"Name calling will not solve anything!" Ford fired back.

"I'm gay," John murmured.

"Technically you're bi," Rodney flat out told him, then turned back to Ford. "Three years gone?"

"Yep," Ford nodded with a smirk. "I'll let Doctor's Beckett and Weir know he's okay and call off the search. And I'll leave him in your capable hands, Doctor McKay."

After Ford left John turned to Rodney. "How long have we been....?" He waved his arms around the room.

"Uh," Rodney had to think, "a few months. And you told me you loved me since the day I let you toss me off the balcony and shoot me."

"I shot you?" John was aghast, wondering just what type of relationship they had. Had he become a sadist in the last few years? "And I tossed you off a balcony?"

"Well, yeah, but I was wearing that invulnerability device at the time."

"Like a super-suit?" John asked.

"No, not a super-suit."

"I'm gay."

"You keep saying it as if it were a disease!"

"I'm sorry for have offended you, uh...McKay, right? Anyway, the last thing I knew I liked women. I'm trying to figure out when I turned gay...bisexual...whatever." John didn't even think as he spoke the next words. "And why, if I'm gay, am I banging you? You're not exactly my usual type. Not the guy part, that's weird enough, but I tend to go for pert, not...geeky."

Rodney was taken aback by the words and the surprised look that had returned to John's face. The insecurities John and he had worked so long to get rid of were returning with a vengeance. "I...I don't know," was all he could answer.

John interrupted him. "Did I ever tell you what made me fall for you? Because I don't want to hurt you McKay, but I'm not feeling anything here."

"It was a simple kiss," Rodney told him.

*If* devouring John's mouth like a starving man was simple, then it was simple. Rodney didn't need to add that he had taken John's dick out and jerked him off while he'd kissed him, then dropped to his knees and given John a blow job. He also didn't need to say that John had returned the favor, doing quite well for a novice, causing Rodney to gray out during his orgasm.

"I kissed you and that was it?"

"No," Rodney corrected, "I kissed you."

"You kissed me?"

"Yes!"

"I let a geek kiss me?"

"I guess it was just an error on your part, Major."

"Yeah, I think it was. I *am* really sorry McKay, but I don't like men."

"I understand," Rodney replied to John's back as John left their room. He crawled back into bed but he didn't sleep. Instead he grew angry at himself for allowing John to leave. He should have said something, done something...anything.

But he had done nothing.

~~~

John found himself wandering the corridors, lights coming on at every turn until he found himself in the hangar. Instinct took him to Jumper one and he went straight to the pilot's seat, placing his hands on the upper edge, feeling a few nicks. That was a bit strange; the nicks appeared to have been purposely carved and there were eight of them. He sat down, knowing that this was *his* ship, feeling a connection to her right away. It had been the same with every craft he'd ever flown that he had called his own. But this one...he felt her, knew that she was a part of him. He kicked his feet up, thinking about what could have *possibly* happened to make him go to bed with a man...and a geek at that. His eyes were drifting shut when they moved down the panel before him, seeing a photo that made his sleepy eyes snap open.

Rodney McKay, sitting on a pier, looking at a sunset. His hair was blowing every which way and he had the most relaxed smile on his face. It appeared to have been taken from a distance, with a zoom lens; McKay probably hadn't even known he was being photographed.

It took John a moment to realize that if he was seated and flying the jumper the picture would be at eye level. He would be able to see it at all times. John reached out to tear it away but paused. *He* had put it there for a reason. No, he wasn't taking it away, not until he knew some more about his current...situation. He propped his feet back up and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Bates, of all people, found him in the morning and led him to the mess, where the two ate breakfast and the Sergeant launched into an endless diatribe about the lack of military protocol amongst personnel.

John sat and listened, nodding his head as properly as he could at all the right moments.

When Bates was finished he asked if the Major had any input to offer.

"Yes, yes I do," John nodded as he stood up to leave. "Sergeant Bates, you really need to get a life...and get yourself laid." He turned and left the mess, heading for the infirmary and the Doctor, whose name was Beckett if he remembered correctly. He paused at one of the elevator doors and smirked, "Open sesame," grinning as they swung open and he stepped inside. "Take me to...Beckett." A moment later he was exiting right into the infirmary, spotting Carson who smiled at him.

"Feeling better, Major Sheppard?"

"Peachy-keen," John smiled back, turning as Elizabeth and Teyla entered. Proper introductions were made and John took a seat, wiping his hands through his hair. "I came here to get some answers. I don't want to sound nuts, but other then the fact that we're not on Earth, which for some strange reason doesn't faze me that much, the lights in my room were going on and off when I thought about it. Doors open for me if I want them to. I found the hangar and the...what did Bates call them? Oh yeah, puddle jumpers. I made one invisible."

"That's the ATA gene," Carson smiled. "Major, a long time ago you sat in a chair...." He gave John the same explanation he had told that first day, but this time he had added knowledge: Athos, the Genii, the Wraith, and finally the gene and it's connection to Atlantis, *especially* with John.

"And you have this gene, like I do?" John asked him.

"I have it," Carson nodded, "and those like Rodney have a sort of artificial gene. But you, Major, there is no other like you." Carson knew that wasn't *completely* true. Jack O'Neill's gene was just as strong, but he was needed on Earth. Woe be to Atlantis if O'Neill and Sheppard went head-to-head, sort of speak, in the city. Carson had to bite back a chuckle at the thought of the two playing 'chicken' in puddle jumpers. "I would suggest you go over the mission reports to learn more."

John glanced at Teyla. "There was a photo of the two of us and we were...."

"The night of the 'Celebration of the Harvest'," Teyla smiled. "An Athosian holiday. You kissed me on a...I believe you called it a 'double dare' from Sergeant Stackhouse."

John nodded and turned to Weir. "Do I have an office where I can go over the reports in private?"

Elizabeth smiled. "You refused an office, instead doing your work, when you can't of course avoid it, on your laptop in Doctor McKay's lab."

"Wouldn't that annoy him?" John asked. From what he had seen of McKay, *everything* pissed the man off.

"Yes, it would," she laughed, entering the tube with John and Teyla, John going to his room, glad McKay wasn't there. He locked himself in so he could go over the official files without being disturbed and had no problem bypassing his own password protection programs to get in.

John spent a few hours going through Atlantis mission reports, personnel files...and discovered a personal file marked *McKay - Confidential*. That one had an encrypted password and it took John all of four minutes to open it. It seemed his computer skills had improved in the last three years. He took a deep breath, preparing for the worst....

//////////////////////////

Happy Valentines Day, Rodney.

I have no chocolate, no flowers, nothing except my heart, which I give freely to you for I know you will keep it safe. Oh, after you passed out from Holling's latest swill, I stayed awake, drunk as a skunk and composed this. It is my Valentines Day gift to you...maybe by next year I can find you chocolate...and perhaps some caffeine also.

John

*Ten things that attracted me to Rodney McKay* (or) *Ten Reasons I love Rodney McKay*

1. His brain. Rodney is not my usual type. Yes, I prefer my lovers with some brains, but never too many. Brainy lovers tend to think the sex out instead of just letting go. But Rodney's different. Rodney lets go in bed. He morphs into a free spirit when you strip him naked, especially outside, under the stars. And that brain of his has discovered a dozen ways to give me pleasure. Who knew a tongue in one's ear could cause a hard-on in zero-point-one second flat?

2. Those blue eyes. When he discovers something about an Ancient device, his eyes get bright blue, like the sky. When he looks at me, they're a darker, richer blue. I've seen them darken when he enters our quarters in a pissy mood and I'm waiting for him naked, arms stretched above my head, two strands of silken ties beside me, waiting for him to tie me up and have his way with me.

3. His 'Gloom and Doom' attitude. I tend to disagree with Rodney about many things, most often his "We're going to die, Major and it's all your fault" attitude. The team is used to it now, but at the start...we had to explain sarcasm to Teyla before she split his lip again. Nowadays we get concerned if he *doesn't* get the attitude. A happy and cheerful, not to mention positive, Rodney McKay is a truly scary experience.

4. He played with the invulnerability device after getting his own gene. He let me shoot him. And toss him off a balcony. It was fun.

5. He was ready to sacrifice himself. He walked into the darkness wearing the invulnerability device knowing he could die. That's the day he earned my respect.

6. He *did* sacrifice himself, according to the 'other Weir' who explained that Rodney drowned in the control room the first time, trying until the end to save us.

7. He's arrogant, smarmy (he calls it snarky and I don't think that's a word but you can't argue with a self-proclaimed GENIUS!) insolent, egotistical...and those are his good points. He's also a bravehearted soul (REALLY) and a true friend, the closest I think I have ever had. He never let me tell anyone how he went after that Wraith with a Beretta, each bullet hitting it's target. He went after a Wraith with a handgun to protect me. That was the day I figured out I loved him.

8. He comes swimming with me late at night, when neither one of us can sleep and I feel like a little kid again. We race and splash...and talk. He knows I hate bugs and made a few skin flicks when I was younger; I know his first crush was on Lynda Carter and he worked for a 'chop shop' when he was in college. He knows I've been married three times and why each marriage failed. I know that he's been hurt more times then he can count, that he thinks I'm going to leave him. He thinks he's too plain, too ordinary, in the physical department; tells me that 'pretty boys' usually have their fun with him and leave...if they even look at him in the first place. I've told him I think he's beautiful and he finally started to believe me. He's my geek and I wouldn't have him any other way. And field work has done his body good. My ass is proof positive of that. And speaking of asses, that leads me to....

9. His ass. God, he has a nice ass. It's just perfect for my hands; my palms mold onto his cheeks as if they were made for each other. I love grabbing it, pulling those cheeks apart, tasting him...okay, enough of that. I have one more to go....

And the final item on my list:

10. His heart. He opened it to me and he's told me more then once I'm the first that got in. I'm glad.

//////////////////////////

John was staring open mouthed at the screen. He couldn't believe *he* had written this...and about a MAN! And for VALENTINES DAY! And not only that, he had added a drawing at the bottom, of a heart. And inside the heart were the words 'JS LOVES RM' in bold red letters! John blinked a few times and pinched himself to make sure he was awake. Unfortunately, he was.

A man. He had thought that maybe it was a joke by the jarheads. But no, he was *really* involved with a man. And a geek at that. When he finally got his head to stop spinning from too many questions he realized he at least had a partial answer to the mystery of his relationship with Rodney McKay.

Number seven seemed to make that perfectly clear. From what he'd read about the Wraith and seen on video, going up against one with a handgun was pure stupidity. But Rodney had done it. And kept it a secret for some reason.

Then there was number two. He had only seen McKay briefly, but pictured the face in his head. Yep. There it was. As Rodney spoke to John his eyes darkened, yet as John left and met his eyes one last time, they seemed saddened. John was sure of it. And silk ties? Since when was he into bondage?

Numbers four and five were self-explanatory, as he'd already read the official report about the shield, but number six confused him. He'd ask Elizabeth a bout it later.

Number three made him giggle and number one gave him pause. There were obviously more layers to Rodney McKay then John had seen. Then again, John had spent a total of ten minutes with the man.

He stared at number eight for a while. He told Rodney he'd made porno films in college?! *Nobody* knew that! Was he insane? Had he lost his mind in the last three years? And McKay in a 'chop shop'? What did the man do? Their accounting?

John shook his head as too many questions filled his mind. Instead he thought more about number eight. And felt the long forgotten emotion of guilt creeping up on him. What had he said to McKay?

'You're not my usual type. I tend to go for pert not...geeky.'

John reread the words he himself had written; oh yeah, he was feeling *way* guilty right about now. McKay...Rodney...didn't think he was good enough for John and John convinced him otherwise. And everything he'd said to Rodney the night before must have been like a knife through Rodney's heart. He thought about number nine and figured he must have become a bit adventurous. He never much cared for playing with women's asses...or fucking them. A good and wet piece of pussy was always enough for him.

He read number ten over and over and came to the only logical conclusion.

Rodney McKay loved him.

And John Sheppard, it appeared, loved Rodney McKay.

It also appeared that they were 'out' as a couple; hell, they were living together. John needed answers, but he wasn't ready to talk to Rodney just yet. He decided Ford could probably help him. From what he now knew, the young man was his second in command and would hopefully have at least *some* answers. He cornered the young man in the mess at lunchtime. "Tell me about Rodney McKay."

"What about him?"

"About our relationship, his and mine."

Aiden clearly turned red. "I wouldn't know about that, sir. I like women."

"I don't think I'm making myself clear, Lieutenant. Have I ever talked about...."

"There's something about Rodney McKay," Aiden chuckled. "At least that's what you said when *I* asked you."

"I didn't happen to tell you what the 'something' was, did I?"

"No sir, you didn't."

"Is there *anyone* I would have told?"

"Uh, I doubt it. I'm sorry. I don't have any answers."

"And how do you feel about...us? I mean Rodney and I?"

Now Aiden saw what John wanted to know. "Nobody disapproves, sir. There was actually a pool as to when you two would announce your...." he began to giggle, "...engagement." He sobered when he noticed John wasn't smiling. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Please do," John sighed.

"You work well together. Our entire team does. Your position as his CO in the field has not, and never will be, compromised."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Uh, John, when we're off duty, we're on a first name basis. Actually, you tend to call me 'kid', which I hate, but you do it anyway."

John finally smiled. "Fine then...kid. Oh, by the way, when was, or is, Valentine's Day?"

"Tomorrow," Ford said, eyes lowered.

"Got your eye on some lucky lady?"

"No sir...John. I don't."

"Ya never know," John told him. "Somebody may be checking you out."

"I doubt that, John. I'll see you later."

~~~

By the time dinner rolled around some six hours later, John had spoken with his people and some of Rodney's about him and Rodney. He needed to find out all he could about their relationship, from different perspectives.

Teyla told him they were loyal to one another and the two had been willing to sacrifice their lives for each other more then once. The Athosians had no problems with same sex relationships and advised John that Holling was still willing to marry them should Rodney ever agree to it.

John swallowed hard. He had been thinking about *marriage*?! TO RODNEY MCKAY?! And Rodney had turned *him* down?!

Carson explained he had known Rodney for years, told John how fragile Rodney was and how this must be killing him inside.

The guilty feeling came back to John with the force of a tsunami.

Grodin thought it was cool because once John and Rodney came out, he didn't have to hide his relationship with Sergeant Stackhouse; the same response came from a few marines who had lovers of the same sex...and more then a dozen male/female relationships as well.

Bates was more concerned about base security, Wraith invasion and Kavanagh's whereabouts, telling John that he had his own scientist to worry about. At least Calvin was a little more human these days...a little.

John's mouth dropped open when he realized Bates and Kavanagh were INVOLVED! He had met Kavanagh earlier and just couldn't picture it.

Next up was Kate Heightmeyer, base shrink. John knew eventually he would *have* to talk to her...he'd just do it on his own terms. With the barest of thoughts the door to her office opened and he glanced in only to find her and Aiden Ford laying across her desk, each half naked.

"Major Sheppard!" She screamed. "You need to knock!"

Aiden jumped up, saluting his CO...and not with his hand either.

"Sorry, wrong room," John snickered and backed out. "Oh Ford, I told you you'd find someone. Happy Valentine's Day." He unconsciously locked the door on his way out, not knowing neither had the gene and were locked in together.

The last person John went to see was Elizabeth.

Elizabeth told him about some of his team's missions and eventually reached the night of the storm, telling John how brave Rodney had been, admitting how surprised she'd been at his defiance of Kolya and the Genii. She was hesitant on what John had done, but he had insisted.

John's breath hitched when she told him he'd killed over sixty men. He also got the feeling he was getting the 'Reader's Digest' version of the events...the *official* story that he'd already read in the reports. When he confronted her, Elizabeth just said she couldn't and to please not push her. Some things she had no right to tell him. For some reason John thought those *things* involved Rodney McKay and he had to know. But her eyes begged him not to ask and instead he questioned her about the 'other Weir' and Rodney's sacrifice and she told him. John shuddered at the thought of the man drowning in the frigid depths of the ocean, trying until the end to save everyone.

"And us? Rodney and I? As the lady in charge here, how did you feel about the military CO and the head scientist shacking up? I guess 'don't ask, don't tell', doesn't apply in this galaxy."

"I can't exactly enforce *that*, Major, when my...roommate is Teyla Emmagon." Elizabeth turned pink. "Now, why are you really here? You didn't just want to go over mission reports."

"I wanted to know about Rodney and I. And are we friends, Doctor Weir, you and I?"

"Doctor Weir or Elizabeth when you're on duty, Liz when you're sober, Lizzie when you're not and the Lizzinator behind my back." Elizabeth smirked and opened her bottom drawer, removing two shot glasses and a fifth of Bourbon. "John Sheppard," she poured them each a shot, "you are in love with Rodney McKay." She kicked back the shot and so did John. "I don't know how long or when it started or anything like that." She poured two more shots and put the bottle away. "We have to conserve it." She sat for a few minutes, thinking, finally nodding to herself. "You need to talk to Rodney. I think he has the answers you need. You won't find them anywhere else."

"I was kind of afraid of that," John replied softly. "Doctor...Liz...I'm not gay. Hell, I don't even like *men*!"

"You're preaching to the choir here, Major. My last lover was named Simon and Teyla thinks we should have a threesome if we ever get back to Earth." She let that sink in before continuing. "Talk to him, John. If you fell in love with him once, you'll do it again. When it comes to the two of you, lightning tends to strike twice."

~~~

"McKay?"

Rodney looked up to see John at the entrance to his room.

"Ford says we play chess," John held up the box, "every night."

"Not every night," Rodney said, smiling a bit. "But sometimes...." He grabbed the box and set up the board. "I have some hot cocoa left," Rodney said shyly. "I could make you a cup."

"How do you know I like cocoa? Oh yeah, we're...together."

"We were friends first," Rodney said softly. "You said that's what made it work for us. You were never friends with a lover."

"I'm sorry," John said.

"For what?"

"For not remembering. For making you sad."

"Oh," Rodney forced a laugh, "I'm always like this."

"I don't think so. You put up a good front, but that's all it is."

Rodney was surprised in that they'd had a similar conversation after their first night together. Rodney had admitted his deepest secret - he didn't know how to be alone anymore - a feeling made stronger by his friendship with John. "I think you should go now."

John shook his head. "Nope, can't do that. I came to play chess and from what I learned in the mess, cocoa is a rare commodity." He smiled at Rodney, then faced the chess board. "Am I black or white?"

The two men sat down for a game of chess, then moved outside, Rodney pointing out the constellations they had named.

"I named one Snoopy?" John was giggling.

"You wanted to call it Pop-N-Fresh but I stopped you," Rodney started to laugh out loud. "It's just not natural for a star to be named after the Pillsbury dough boy."

All in all it was a good evening spent and John was reluctant to say good-night. "Uh, McKay...Rodney...it was fun. Thanks for making me laugh and forgiving me for being so...you know. Some of the things I said...."

"It's okay," Rodney smiled and opened his mouth again, quickly shutting it.

"What?"

"I thought that maybe tomorrow you could finish helping me decipher that mathematical mumbo-jumbo we found on P3R-775."

John blinked at him. "You know about the math?"

"And that you declined membership in Mensa."

John sighed and picked up the picture which Rodney had obviously removed from his room. "Who made the frame?"

Rodney laughed. "You did, doing art work with the Athosian children."

"*I* made this?"

"After eating nine homemade popsicles to get the sticks. And you had the stomach ache from Purgatory for two days after."

"And how many times, Rodney," John *had* to ask, "have I asked you to marry me?"

"You've been talking to Teyla," Rodney rolled his eyes. "Holling and some of the other Athosian's, our friends, think we should be married because we sleep together."

"That's not what I asked you. Please answer my question."

"Twice," Rodney replied, quickly adding, "both times to shut up Holling. Anyway, I'll see you in the morning." Rodney thought the door open. "Good-night, Major."

"Good night, McKay."

The moment the door closed behind John, Rodney silently apologized for the lie. Both proposals were genuine and heartfelt. And Rodney had said no each time, terrified to say yes. He was just plain scared of making that type of commitment.

~~~

"Why are you in McKay's lab?" Kavanagh asked as he came in after breakfast, eyeing John warily.

"I'm helping McKay," John responded with a smile. "He needs me to figure out what these thingamabobs do." He held out his arm, sweeping it over a few devices.

"But you hate being in the labs," Kavanagh told him. "Every time we ask you to help, you say no. The only time you agree is when Weir orders you to."

"That's not what McKay said," John answered, a bit confused. "He says I help him whenever he asks."

"Not in this life." Kavanagh rolled his eyes, wondering himself why McKay would lie like that. Didn't he realize that Sheppard would find out the truth? "The last time he wanted your help, you told him, and I quote, 'Take all your Ancient doohickeys and stuff them up your....'" He paused as Rodney entered and quickly beat a retreat. He did not want to be in the room when John co nfronted Rodney.

"Hey," Rodney smiled. "Did you manage to do anything with this?" He picked up a small blinking ball.

"No." John didn't look very happy. "And I won't."

"I don't understand. You told me you'd help."

"Maybe I would have, if I did as a norm. But I don't, do I?"

"What did Kavanagh tell you?" Rodney almost demanded.

"I think he told me the truth, McKay. Something you're not very good at. I don't like being here, do I? In the lab, I mean. I'm not exactly fond of this gene."

Rodney's eyes moved everywhere, avoiding John's. "I'm sorry."

"You should be. Did it occur to you that if you told me the truth, I might have actually agreed to help you anyway?"

"I didn't mean to lie to you, Major, honestly I didn't. But when you came in here this morning with me, you seemed happy. I figured if I told you the truth you'd leave. I didn't want you to leave."

John studied Rodney's face; his emotions were an open book, at least to John. And John's gut told him Rodney was telling the truth now. "Look, McKay, if you want me to help, I will. But please don't lie to me anymore."

"Okay." Rodney nodded. "You *do* hate helping me and when you come in here, it's to annoy me, nothing more. You tend to lurk about," Rodney smiled at his words, "interrupting me when I'm in what you call deep concentration."

"What else?"

"I can't tell you."

John was out of patience. "McKay, I want the truth and I want it NOW!"

"All right," Rodney snarled, "you want the truth, you got it. You like to come in here and bother me and when I tell you to leave all you do ninety percent of the time is drop to your knees and blow me!"

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me, Major. You wanted the truth, you have to deal with it. I can't be in my lab for more then an hour before you decide you're horny. And if I say no to you, you do it anyway."

"Are you saying that I...." John couldn't get the words out. They shocked even him. "Do I force you?"

"NO!" Rodney shouted. "You would never...I say no, but sometimes you know I don't mean it. And when I am *truly* busy and can't be disturbed, when I say 'no' and *do* mean it, you go away and leave me." Rodney looked *very* hurt and turned to his computer. "And you can go now. I have...lots of work to do." Rodney's voice broke and John noticed the change of tone. "I'm sorry I lied to you."

"It's all right, McKay...Rodney. But can you at least tell me what *I* do around here?"

"I don't know," Rodney said as honestly as he could, but still didn't face John. "The jumpers pretty much take care of themselves, the marines are in, as you call it, tip-top shape...other then staying in here, I don't know how you keep yourself busy."

"Maybe I should find out."

"Yes, Major, maybe you should." Rodney was more curt then he'd intended. "And let me know when you do."

~~~

Nobody seemed to know what John did when he wasn't commanding a mission or what his job actually was.

Weir hadn't the foggiest notion and wondered aloud *why* she didn't.

Bates started to tell him that they were coming up with a new and tougher training regimen for the marines, but Calvin glared at him and Bates admitted that John said they were in good shape and didn't need any workouts...although Bates thought they did.

Teyla said they had workout sessions and offered to give him stickfighting lessons, but he said, as he had many times before, that he could just shoot his opponent if need be. When she became persistent John agreed, then kicked her ass, leaving her wondering why he'd never told her how proficient he actually was.

Four hours and twenty people later John was back in Rodney's lab, more confused then when he'd last been in. "Nobody knows what I do," he lamented. "From what I can gather, I *do* just sort of lurk about, annoying people while they're trying to work."

"I knew you'd be back." Rodney gave him a wan smile. "I printed these up for you." He handed John some papers. "Some trig and calculus combinations that should keep you busy for a while."

And it did. John sat quietly for almost two hours working out the problems, grinning as he handed them back to Rodney. "All done."

Rodney glanced at his watch. "And just in time for dinner."

They entered the mess late, the two sitting with Zelenka and Miko. Within minutes John was lost as he tried to follow their conversation, finally giving up and saying good-night.

Rodney just smiled and went back to his conversation. He wanted to follow so badly, but knew John needed the space. Hopefully his lover's memory would return soon.

John returned to his room and lay down in bed. He fell asleep immediately, but was quickly assaulted by nightmares.

~~~

John sat up sweating, breaths deep, gasping for air.

He'd had a nightmare, a most vivid one. It was raining, storming actually and Rodney was screaming for him. He searched, running all over the base, but couldn't locate Rodney. And that thought terrified him. John just *knew* that was what happened the night of the big storm, the night the Genii invaded. Something had happened to Rodney and John needed to know what it was. And like Liz had said, only Rodney could give him the answers he needed. He couldn't wait until morning, he had to know *now*. He brought his laptop with him, thinking maybe he should show Rodney the list he'd made.

Entering Rodney's quarters, he found Rodney asleep. He lay his laptop on the table and sat on the edge of Rodney's bed, watching him, chest rising and falling. Placing his hand over Rodney's heart he felt the rhythmic beating and it somehow soothed him. He kicked off his sneakers and slipped under the sheet, snuggling his back to Rodney's chest, Rodney's arm sliding over, pulling John close. Even in sleep he was protective of John and John finally allowed sleep to overcome him as well.

John opened his eyes and felt a sense of calm and peace. He had no idea how long he'd slept but as he turned over he found bright blue eyes staring into his.

"Good morning, Major."

"Morning, McKay." John stretched a bit. "What time is it?"

"Oh-seven-hundred to you, seven AM to the rest of the universe."

"Seven already?"

"When did you come in?"

"Around two. I couldn't sleep and I wanted to talk to you."

"So talk."

"All right." John sat up, instantly awake. "Do you love me?"

"Yes," Rodney answered without hesitation.

"How much do you know about me? I don't mean my personal life. I'm sure I've been quite open, I always was."

"Yes, Major, your forwardness was..." Rodney smiled. "...refreshing. But being blunt has never been a problem for you. I know you worked Black Ops. You used to do the dirty work, the black bag operations that others refused to touch." Rodney took a deep breath. "I know about Mexico and Prague and Ecuador and a hundred other places that still give you nightmares. I know about your mother, what she did to you; I've seen the scars...all of them. I know...." Rodney paused. "I know it all, John and I still love you. There is nothing you could do to make me stop." He got out of bed, heading to the washroom.

"What happened the night of that bad storm?" John got no answer. "Rodney?"

"Your turn," Rodney said as he came out, not looking at John.

When John was done, he sat on the end of the bed, legs crossed, taking a deep breath. "I talked to Doctor...Liz...about some of our missions. She was pretty forthcoming with all of them *except* that night. Her version was the official one and when I questioned her, she said there were things she couldn't tell me, that it wasn't her place. Is it yours, Rodney? Did something happen that I should know about? Something that didn't make it into the reports?"

"Acastus Kolya," Rodney muttered.

"Yeah, I saw the vid feed. That bastard killed two of my men for no reason. And Liz said you stood up to him."

"He...assaulted me." John opened his mouth but Rodney put his hand up. "You didn't know, not until long after. You found out about my nightmares on a mission and I had to tell you. You didn't ask any questions, didn't pass any judgements and told me I was still your best friend."

"Liz said I killed sixty men." John lowered his eyes. "*Sixty*."

"You told me."

"What?"

"You came to me and admitted what you'd done. I already knew, but...."

"You were my confessor."

"In a sense," Rodney brought John's palm to his hand and kissed it. "I wanted to do so much more for you that night, John, but you didn't need that, no more then I did. You needed a friend."

"I came in here last night because I had a nightmare. I heard you screaming, but I couldn't find you." John drew his knees up, shaking his head. "I managed to kill sixty men but couldn't prevent my best friend from being...."

Rodney sat beside him, holding John in his arms, kissing the top of his head. "The only thing you would have accomplished was getting yourself killed. I got past the rape, but if you had died, we wouldn't have...we weren't lovers then."

"You take care of me, don't you?" John asked rhetorically. "You're always there for me," he added matter-of-factly, nodding to himself. "I have to show you something." John picked up his laptop and opened it. "I found this in my files and I'm *pretty* sure I meant to give it to you."

Rodney began to read the list. "Why are you showing me this now?"

"Because today is Valentine's Day and it's obviously your present." John nodded in a 'so there' motion.

"You like my eyes?" Rodney asked quietly, eyes watering.

"Quit your blushing, Rodney. And please don't get all emotional and start to cry." John snickered as Rodney blew his nose. "If your nose gets all red, I swear I'm calling you Rudolph."

"It was fun to shoot me?" Rodney asked as he read more of the list. "Fun?!"

"At the time...I think. Rodney, I don't know what my feelings were at that moment. But if I wrote it was fun, then it was. Leave it be."

"I was just teasing you." Rodney pulled John's arm up and crawled close, almost cuddling and John's arm came down and around him. Rodney glanced at John's list, number five. "You respect me?"

"I guess I do." John squirmed a bit, trying to dislodge his arm, but Rodney lay his arm over John's chest, stilling him.

"Please don't leave, John."

"Rodney, you're asking me questions I can't answer. It's making me a little...."

"I'm sorry. I keep forgetting you...forgot." He laughed and John couldn't smiling. "And snarky *is* a word...genius here. And I think you missed a few of my good points. Manic, obsessive, pessimistic...."

"I guess I did miss a few," John finally smiled. "Now Rod, tell me about the 'chop shop'. That sounds...."

"My uncle's business, John and *don't* call me Rod. I kept his inventory as a favor to my mother and it helped pay the bills when I was in college. Okay, so it wasn't exactly legal, but...."

"Your secret is safe with me, McKay. It's not like you stole the cars and took them apart," John laughed, slowly calming as he saw Rodney's cheeks redden. "Rodney! You stole cars?!"

Rodney smirked. "I can hotwire anything in under seven seconds."

"I bet you can hotwire me in under five," John mumbled without thinking.

"Under three actually," Rodney shrugged. "And you with the porno films? You should have brought one with you."

This time John did manage to get free of Rodney, sitting up. "No. I may not know much about you or our relationship, but I don't want you to *ever* see those movies."

"We spent one night making lists of who we'd do in a gang-bang," Rodney snickered, kneeling behind John, arms sliding up his back, rubbing his shoulders.

"I told you what *kind* of movies I did?" John turned his head, mouth wide open in shock.

"'Six women, three men, no lines, no waiting' was how you described it." Rodney rolled his eyes and returned to the shoulder rub. "And you publicly bragged that you satisfied them all."

"I told...in public? Oh God." John buried his face in his hands.

"It was an Athosian party, one of their holidays and the base was invited." Rodney couldn't resist telling John about that night. "You and your men were drunk on Holling's two hundred proof swill and smoking God knows what kinds of plants. The marines started to brag about their conquests, quite graphically I might add, and make fun of the sexually sedate scientists and the 'they don't know where to stick it' flyboys and you had to get your own voice heard."

"Peachy," John murmured, enjoying Rodney's massage. "What else?"

Rodney moved on autopilot, lips on John's neck, leaving tiny kisses. "Stackhouse told a story about himself and two sets of twins and Bates said that proved the marines did it best." Rodney's hands moving down to grab the hem of John's shirt and pull it over his head. "Lay down and let me finish."

This time it was John who moved on autopilot, unconsciously doing what Rodney told him to do, laying on his stomach, head pillowed in his arms. He felt Rodney straddling his legs, pinning him and he panicked, but Rodney noticed; he noticed everything about John, especially in the bedroom. He lay his chest against John's back, kisses along his bare shoulders, whispering, "Relax, Major, I won't force myself on you." He started to rise, but John grabbed his leg, stilling it.

"I know you won't." John turned and smiled at him. "It felt *really* good."

Rodney smiled back, one hand reaching up to the shelf above the bed. "Massage oil. I traded four Hershey bars and my Tetris CD-Rom for it." He poured a bit on his hands, kneading John's shoulders again, not speaking until John was calmer. "Now, back to the party. *You* announced that the Marines could *never* outdo the Air Force and out came the story about the porno films. I have to hand it to you, John. Bates and a few of your other men, not to mention my people, admitted that they were awestruck. Following that you announced that we were a couple and that I had the sweetest lips this side of the Milky Way galaxy." Rodney's hands had moved to John's back, stroking from his shoulders down to his waist. "That night you brought me back to your room and tied me up." Rodney inhaled sharply at the thought, willing his burgeoning erection to shrivel up and go away...especially since he was straddling John's ass and in his boxers no less. He hadn't even bothered to get dressed when he woke up.

"Rodney, I, uh, think you should get off me now." As Rodney shifted off, John turned over and Rodney nearly fell off the bed. John sat up and grabbed him by the waist to steady him, which left them face to face.

"I'm sorry," Rodney told him.

"It's okay," John said nervously.

"No," Rodney shook his head, glancing at his groin, "not about this." He carded his fingers in John's hair. "I'm sorry about *this*." Rodney did the same thing he had done all those months ago, pulling John's mouth to his, sucking on John's tongue, drawing out the last bit of air in John's lungs.

John pulled away to take a breath, "Jesus, McKay, what are...mmmppphh...."

And like that first time, Rodney didn't give him a chance to speak, only giving him the opportunity to draw in quick breaths of air while Rodney kissed him senseless. The moment John tried to push him away, Rodney shifted his weight, pinning John to the bed, one hand moving between their bodies, gliding up to John's chest, teasing a nipple. Rodney knew each of John's hot spots and he intended to take advantage of that knowledge. It didn't take long for John to stop fighting nor for Rodney to feel the erection brushing his own.

"Rodney, stop," John managed to get out as he caught his next breath.

Rodney blinked at him and reality set in. "John...Major...I didn't think...I...."

John grabbed him by the shoulders, stilling him. "I said stop, not no."

"I don't understand," Rodney admitted.

"Rodney, I just want you to take it slow, that's all."

"Slow," Rodney repeated. "I can do slow."

"Do you want to tell me what that was all about?" John inhaled, still catching his breath. "You were ready to...eat me alive."

"It worked the first time," Rodney muttered.

"That's what you did the first time?"

"Well, not the nipple thing. I didn't know they were sensitive until...."

John's mouth dropped open for the fiftieth time that day. "*I* didn't even know! And other then...devouring my mouth, what else did you do?"

"Can't I just show you, John?" Rodney put on his most innocent smile, the one he knew turned John on the most...it still worked. Rodney ran his fingertips from John's neck to his groin. "Only as far as you want it to go." He leaned in to blow in John's ear. "I won't cross any lines, I promise you."

John gasped as the hot breath in his ear caused a chain reaction within his body. His head felt light, his arms felt heavy and his dick got hard so quickly he actually felt pain. He felt a gentle hand rubbing his clothed erection, his eyes rolled back and he came in his pants. "I haven't..." John tried to catch his breath again, "...not since I was a teenager."

"Actually," Rodney grinned smugly, "I've made you come in your pants quite a few times."

"We should get naked."

Rodney was hesitant. "Making out with you is one thing, but if we...as far as you're concerned you've never...with a man."

"Please."

John sounded so desperate that there was no way Rodney could deny him. His fingers deftly undid John's pants, hand wrapping around John's dick, hearing yet another gasp.

John felt the lips laving his right nipple and slid his fingers through Rodney's hair, moving his mouth across to the other nipple, moaning softly at the sensation. How could he have forgotten *this*? It felt so good. And the touch of Rodney's tongue was making him harder. "Rodney, oh God...give me more."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Anything, just...anything." John felt the cool breeze on his legs as his pants came off, kisses down his body, fingers gently stroking his sides, making him harder still. A moment later his briefs had disappeared and he lay naked before Rodney, unsure of what he wanted, what he needed, but knowing Rodney could give it to him, whatever it was. It didn't make sense, he knew that, but....

"RODNEY!"

John's dick was swallowed, fingers teasing his ass, one slipping inside. He ground his body down, "MORE!" a second finger joining the first. It felt so good, so right and he was dizzy, head light again, moaning, sighing, begging...when his brain reconnected to his body he found that his legs had been pushed back, Rodney's dick resting at his ass. John actually growled, gripping Rodney's shoulders, pulling him forward. "Now...now Rodney...."

Rodney was slow, gently entering, watching himself disappear inside John's tight heat.

"I thought...oh God...I thought it would hurt," John sighed, the fullness of Rodney within him making him dizzy again.

"It did that first time, lover," Rodney crooned in his ear. "But not anymore. Now it's natural. You've told me you love it when I ride you hard...." Rodney thrust deep, pulled out and slid in deeper.

John himself may not have remembered the feeling but his body most certainly did. He wrapped one leg around Rodney's waist, drawing him deeper, meeting Rodney's movements.

Rodney was lost, eyes closed, feeling nothing but the tightness around his dick. John was clenching his muscles and letting go and Rodney was going to lose it shortly.

John drew him in for a kiss and came, mind flooding with memories, memories of the gene, of Atlantis...of one Rodney McKay.

Rodney, who made him laugh.

Rodney, who gave him pleasure.

Rodney, who cared for him, held him when a mission went bad.

Rodney, who would die for him without a second thought.

Rodney, who was still pounding into him, who screamed "JOHN!" as he came.

Rodney, who loved him.

As Rodney softened and began to slide out, John pulled him back. "I hate it when you come."

"What? Why?" Rodney asked, a bit confused.

"Because then you..." John groaned, "...leave me. Every time. Why can't you just have a permanent hard-on? I'd be a real happy camper."

A slow smile came to Rodney's face. "Your memory...."

"Apparently it came when I did."

"Wow, sex as a cure-all," Rodney grinned back, stealing a quick kiss. "Does this mean I get to move back in with you?"

"Will you bring my popsicle frame?"

"I love that frame, John. It's the nicest present anyone ever gave me."

John took Rodney's face in his palms, kissing him chastely. "Rodney, why did you lie to me about...my proposals?"

"Getting serious has always meant doom for me in relationships," Rodney replied, trying to turn his head away.

"And what we have isn't serious?" John asked, kissing him again. "Marry me, McKay. Let me make an honest man out of you."

"Okay, Major. I'll marry you. Happy now?"

"Yep," John grinned. "Try and back out and I sue you for 'Breach of Promise'."

"All right, Major. But just remember, I didn't say when. Let's set a date of, oh, June fourteenth, two thousand and fifty-two?"

"You're beautiful, Rodney. And I've figured out I like my lovers geeky." Rodney lowered his eyes but John lifted them. "I'm going to have to start from scratch, aren't I? Plying you with compliments twenty-four/seven. Telling you your eyes are the color of the sky on its clearest day and I could stare into them for hours and not grow bored. That you look extremely sexy with five o'clock shadow."

"You don't have to start from scratch."

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away," John held Rodney close, "there was a lonely man...."

"John, do you remember when I explained what would happen if you attempted to wax poetic ever again?"

John swallowed hard; he remembered all right. Tied to the bed, brought to the edge of orgasm a half dozen times before Rodney allowed him to come. "Okay, no more...waxing poetic about anything."

"And no singing."

"Not even 'Love Me Tender'?"

"Especially not that song. I used to like Elvis."

"Okay, no more singing."

"Should we go to Jumper one and put another notch in the pilot's seat?" Rodney backed off the bed, getting dressed. "After breakfast of course." Rodney put his shoes on and thought the door open. "I want to ride your dick until it's raw."

"Rodney, baby," John murmured as he got out of bed, "you're not going to sit for a week."

"Only a week, John? I think you can do better then that." Rodney walked out with a bounce in his step and a grin on his face.

John grinned himself, washing up and getting dressed. He went straight to Beckett, advising the doctor that he was back and that he was fine.

Next up was Weir, who was happy to have him back and handed him a list of infractions that had been broken by the marines. John just nodded to her, left her office, tore up the list and threw it in the nearest trash can.

It was then John realized he'd locked the door to Kate's office and headed directly there. This time he rang the door chime and announced himself before opening the door, swallowing hard. "I, er...I didn't think and used the gene to lock the door after I left. I'm sorry. Oh, my memory came back. It was just a temporary thing."

"That's fine, Major," Kate smiled, nodding to the floor.

John followed her eyes and had to cover his mouth to stop the laugh. Ford was curled up on the floor, snoring peacefully.

"Thank you for locking us in," she said, turning red. "Now do you think you could lock the door again on your way out? I don't want him leaving just yet."

"No problem, Doc," John grinned, willing the door locked as it slid shut behind him.

He ran into Bates and put his hand up before the Sergeant could open his mouth. "I have my memory back, my people are in great shape so leave me alone and I think I hear Kavanagh screaming for you."

Teyla questioned him on his use of the sticks but he just shook his head, declining to explain to her where he'd learned to fight like that. She didn't need to know that he'd been working out with Holling in secret; Holling was much better at stickfighting then Teyla.

And he finally remembered what it was he did when he wasn't on a mission.

Nothing.

He didn't do paperwork, except for the occasional mission report (and even those were few and far between). He annoyed his people until they brushed him off and sometimes flew to the mainland and played with the Athosian children. But mostly what he did was hang around Rodney's lab, usually sitting quietly, reading a book or playing with his Game Boy or doing the difficult math problems that Rodney came up with to keep him busy. He'd even started to pay attention to Rodney's work and had gleaned a (small) working knowledge of physics. As Rodney had told him, John did sometimes 'distract' Rodney from his work by dropping to his knees.

And at the end of the day he and Rodney would leave Rodney's lab, eat something, socialize a bit and go to their quarters where they'd talk, play a board game or some cards and make love. Some nights all they did was go to sleep holding each other and it was enough. As long as John had Rodney, everything would be all right.

~~~

John found the file two days later, opened it and began to read....

//////////////////////////

John,

If you could do it, so could I. Genius here.

Rodney

*Ten things that attracted me to John Sheppard* (or) *Ten Reasons I love John Sheppard*

1. The Nikes. Everybody else on this mission has boots or shoes, but not John. No, he had to be different. And just when you think he's going to be wearing regulation boots because his Nikes were soaked and ruined on a rain planet, he produces a new pair.

John smirked. It was the city herself. Atlantis had what John dubbed 'pseudo-awareness'. And she never did anything while he was watching. He'd sat that night with his soaked sneakers until he fell asleep and when he woke up they were like new. Atlantis cared about him, he knew that. Of course he also knew she cared about the other denizens of the city as well. Zelenka still couldn't figure out how his glasses were repaired after they were smashed during a lab accident.

2. The hair. Enough said!

'Why does everybody comment on the hair?' John thought, glancing in the mirror, spitting on his hand, fixing his cowlick. 'It looks ordinary enough to me.'

3. Black tee-shirts. How many does the man have? One minute I'm drooling as he works out in the gym, sweat soaking the dark cotton, making it cling to him like a second skin. The next minute I'm facing him in a briefing, he's showered and smelling good...and in a fresh...and tight...black tee.

John laughed aloud. He had six of them. And from now on he would wear nothing else.

4. His soft side. Yes, he has one, not what I expected of a militaristic grunt. I've seen him with the Athosian kids, playing with them, acting like a child himself. He even convinced me to play football with him and a bunch of brats...and I had fun.

'So Rodney had fun, huh?' John got an evil grin. 'Next time we play tackle with the marines.'

5. His bravery...or stupidity. For him there is a fine line between the two. He has no idea how many times I've nearly had a cardiac arrest because I thought he would die. I explained that I've always been a loner, and because of him and his annoying interference in my life I don't know how to do that anymore. He understands; he and I are kindred spirits in that respect.

John read number five a few times and decided a trip to the mainland for some Athosian cookies was in order.

6. His smile. Not the snarky one or the sly one, but the shy one he gives me when I tell him I love him. The one that comes complete with slight blush and lowered eyes. He is so fucking sexy when he gets that look. Makes me want to drop to my knees...and I usually do.

And maybe some flowers from the mainland also. The kind that didn't make Rodney sneeze.

7. His adventurous spirit. Who else would dare to eat with his right hand while jerking off his lover, that would be me, under the table with his left hand at a formal dinner reception between the command staff of Atlantis and a new trading partner? Who else would send a flaming bag of shit through the gate to the Genii homeworld on a whim...more then once? Who else would tell a twelve foot tall, five hundred pound marine named Timmerman that if he so much as glanced at my ass he'd be having breakfast with the Wraith?

John rolled his eyes. Timmerman was only six nine and around two seventy.

8. He is so open about us, about our relationship. I thought he was insane when he tried to make out with me during the Saturday night movies in the designated rec room, uncaring of who was there. Bates couldn't have cared less; he was too busy in the back of the room with Kavanagh of all people. Teyla and Liz were cuddling and Zelenka had Miko in his lap. Ford was whimpering, but that was because ET was alive. We really need to get him a girlfriend...or a pet.

'I guess I have to tell him about Aiden and Kate.'

9. His fingers...and tongue...and penis. (He calls it a dick, but what else would you expect from a NEANDERTHAL!) He knows how to use what he's got to pleasure me, to make me scream, make me beg, make me howl like an animal in heat. I seduced him that first time, but he learned quickly. He knows I like sex in the shower and I know he likes me riding him when he's flying the jumper. He told Liz he was giving me flying lessons; what he got me was the first membership in the Pegasus galaxy mile-high club.

John smirked. 'And I still have another notch to carve on my seat from this morning.'

10. His honesty. He never lies to me. He tells me I'm beautiful and I have to believe him. He tells me he loves me, that he'll never leave, that he will always take care of me. I know the truth though, the truth he refuses to speak. We can die at any moment, be it Wraith or some Ancient virus. But he'll stay as long as he can and I silently promise him the same.

John felt a tear running down his face, quickly wiping it away. He wasn't ever going to leave Rodney. He knew that for certain, but John couldn't tell him. John had promised. Chaya had shown him that much when she'd shared herself with him. He and Rodney were meant to be for always, even at the end. He didn't know exactly when, but someday the two of them would ascend together. And they would be old and gray when they left.

After he'd finished reading, he headed straight for Rodney, ignoring Rodney's protests, grunted as he hoisted the physicist over his shoulder and carried him to Jumper one for another 'flying lesson'.

He'd have an even ten notches carved on his seat before the day was out...and maybe Rodney would have one on his seat also.

Life was good and getting better every day.

FIN