The End Of The Beginning

by Ilanya

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asi/ilanya/endbegin.php
Summary: When his and Daniel's relationship is threatened, Jack fights to hold onto it. Even against Daniel himself

"So. This is how it's going to be." I waited for a response but got nothing. The scent of dust, old dust, mingled with his aftershave, tickling my nose in a not completely unpleasant way. "Well?"

The heavy canvas of his dark regulation jacket made soft swishing noises as he moved. "We don't have a choice," he said finally, quietly.

"We always have a choice," I disagreed, unruffled, picking something up from his desk.

He snatched it from me. "Not this time we don't."

I paused again, watching as he stuffed the item into the box before him, waiting again for more that did not come.

"How can you say that?" I tried to keep my tone cool even if what I was saying was not. "Doesn't any of this mean anything to you?"

For the first time he looked to me since I had arrived in the cramped, dim office, orbs hidden behind eyeglass lenses, the desk lamp shining upon them. His mouth was set in a grim, thin line.

"How can you possibly ask me that?" he ground out through clenched teeth. "You know what's at stake here."

I took a moment to breathe, rolling my head back, feeling the tension knotted in my shoulders. I wanted to be very careful to keep the emotions from my voice when I spoke to him.

As I brought my gaze back I could see he had returned to the business of packing and sorting, muttering under his breath.

"We didn't do anything wrong," I said coolly, shrugging. Conversational.

He slammed the heavy textbook in his hands on the desk between us violently but did not bring his head up. I nearly jumped out of my skin. Veins in his neck throbbed.

However, as he spoke, his words were nothing but slow and steady. "We were caught."

"We were almost caught," I countered, raising a finger to interject. I had to disagree, interrupt, to win the argument so we could fight the battle and win the war. "Big difference."

"Apparently not enough," he replied curtly, resuming to his task with short, sharp movements.

I watched him for what seemed like an eternity although I knew it was probably only moments before saying, "We can fight this, Daniel."

"No, Jack, we can't," he said with finality, not pausing.

I reached across the desk, stretching, grabbing the sleeve of the arm closest to me and held on. Daniel tried to yank back unsuccessfully, his face full of fury as he finally glared at me.

"Let go, Jack," he said in a low, threatening voice.

"Not until you agree to do something about this." I watched him, eyes just as narrowed and focused as his were on me.

"I am doing something about this!" He snarled, freeing his arm finally with a powerful yank, one that sent him stumbling back a foot. Steadying himself, he adjusted his coat with a sharp tug and turned back to what he was doing. "I am quietly quitting, as instructed."

"You're giving up," I grunted, feeling my stomach drop for the thousandth time that day. "That isn't like you."

"I'm saving your career," Daniel said lightly with a little roll of his shoulder. As though the world wasn't crumbling down around us. "I might be saving your life."

"Bullshit," I spat out, anger forcing itself up my spine and out my mouth, making me tremble. "You're taking the easy out because you're a coward."

"Fine," Daniel said with another shrug, his head shaking a little side-to-side as he kept his eyes down. "I'm a coward. Whatever you want."

I glared at his head. "So it meant nothing to you," I sneered, losing the control I had been so carefully containing until now. "All these months, all these years... nothing."

Daniel's hands stilled and he brought his head up again slowly. The angle at which he faced me this time did not cause the light to glare off his glasses and hide his eyes. They were red, bloodshot, and too moist.

I stared, feeling my heart breaking all over again. I hated myself suddenly for putting him through this.

His jaw twitching, he finally said in a shaky voice, "If that is what is going to get you through this -"

"Damn it, Daniel!" I exploded, slamming fists down on the wood and steel frame desk, hard enough to make things on top jump in response, as well as Daniel, and my hands hurt. Biting back the pain, letting it fuel my anger, I pressed my palms flat to the top, leaning forward, causing him to take a few steps back. "This isn't funny!"

"No, it isn't!" he yelled back, balling his own fists but keeping back. "This is very not funny and you are making it much worse!"

"We. Can. Stop. Him." I stared into those eyes of his, willing him to feel what I was feeling. What I was willing to do for him. For us. I held his gaze because I couldn't hold him. "We can."

Daniel's chest heaved, rising and falling beneath the clothes he wore, nostrils flaring as he stared back at me. I knew he wanted to believe. He had to.

But then he was shaking his head and pulling back even further into himself. "It's not going to work, Jack. We can't take that chance."

"We can," I insisted, feeling the strain in my arms as I stared at him. "I can. I will."

"No," Daniel insisted, continuing to shake his head slowly side to side. "I can't let you."

"You can't stop me." I stood back abruptly. "I'll do it without you then."

Daniel stopped shaking his head, stopped recoiling. He just stood there, eyes wide. "Don't do it."

"Why not?" I snapped in a tight voice. I could feel the strain throughout my entire body and it was only a matter of seconds at this point before I completely lost it. "This is my life too, you know. You aren't the only one affected by this!"

Daniel's sigh was long and melancholic. "This is already hard enough as it is."

I sagged forward suddenly. Furious anger warred with desolation. "I don't care how hard it is, Daniel. I don't care how hard it is for you and I don't care how hard it is for him. I will fight this."

Pale blue eyes fell away. "Jack -"

"Don't." I cut him off with a sweep of my hand, pulling back even further and away. "Don't try to talk me out of it. I didn't get where I am because I played everything safe."

"This isn't remotely the same thing," Daniel said with another deep sigh.

"I just don't know why you're so willing to throw it all away."

Finally bringing his eyes back up, Daniel said simply, "I expected this day would come eventually."

I frowned, for a variety of reasons. Daniel's words hurt more than I thought they could. I stared at him, watching the throat that I had so many times caressed so gently bob with unshed tears and regret. There were accusations and remorse in those endless blue eyes of his, fear and such sorrow.

I forced it aside, focusing on the problem, before I really did lose it all.

"Well, I didn't, and I don't accept it. Keep packing if it makes you feel better but you're not going anywhere. You can trust me on that."

Daniel exhaled softly, his eyes drifting away.

"I mean it, Daniel," I said, refusing to be swayed, watching as his gaze came back to me. "I'm not letting you get away from me that easily."

Daniel gave a faint, flat laugh without humor. "You're starting to sound a little creepy, Jack."

"You're not the one who should be worried about me," I said with a deep grumble, turning sharply to leave.

~~~

He was, of course, chatting up the General when I rounded that last corner. I had to give him props for that - anywhere else and he'd be a dead man right about now.

"Colonel," Hammond said upon spying me, nodding in greeting. "Colonel Gutierrez and I were just talking about you."

The man in question, one of several Mayborne replacements to Area 51 after the other man's abrupt departure, smirked at me. My blood turned a few shades colder for a moment but I forced a smile anyway, pausing before the both of them. "Really," I said, glancing to the impeccably dressed other man. I felt almost frumpy by comparison in my BDUs. "What about?"

"He was telling me how well he thought you and Doctor Jackson worked together on the last assignment."

My eyes washed over the General's features, trying to read what he was saying, if there was more there than he was letting on. But no, George didn't play those games.

"Yes, Jack," the other Colonel's grating voice broke in, his perpetual sneer working into his words. "How is Doctor Jackson."

"Well, you know how he is, Bob," I said with a bounce in my voice I did not feel, digging my hands into my pockets to keep them from wrapping around his throat. "Always work work work with him."

"Right," Gutierrez said with a smirk, giving a sharp nod. "Always work on his mind and the good of the SGC."

"That's what makes him an asset around here," I added with a cruel smile, all but glaring at him.

"Did you need something, Colonel O'Neill?" Hammond was asking, addressing me. "I was just heading out for the evening."

My eyes flickered between them. "I... would hate to interrupt."

"We were done, I believe," the General said, glancing briefly to the other officer for an acquiescing nod.

"Ah, no, then," I answered, rocking back on my heels. "Just wanted to wish you a good evening, Sir. And weekend."

"Thank you, Son," he said with a genuine smile, patting me on the shoulder. "Going fishing this weekend?"

"Um," I said, thinking quick, "probably."

"Catch a big one," Hammond finished, nodding to us both before turning to leave.

I waited until the General was well out of earshot before slowly, stiffly turning to the man who still hovered nearby, grinning his shit-eating grin. My hands, still in my pockets, bent into claws at the sight of him.

"Fishing," Gutierrez muttered, gazing into the distance. "Is that what they're calling it now?"

"Watch it," I growled at him, narrowing my eyes. "You're still a guest at this facility."

"Guest, yes," he said with a smirk, his dark beady eyes rolling toward mine. "And if I weren't so happy with my current position I'd probably petition to join Stargate Command. We could work together. Be buddies."

I could feel my lip curling in response.

"Oh, Jack," he said, bringing a hand up between us, "go ahead and tell Doctor Jackson that the orders for his reassignment and transfer to Area 51, under my command of course, will be on the General's desk Monday morning. Ah, that is, between your... 'fishing' time, of course."

"Go to hell, Gutierrez," I snarled through clenched teeth, glaring at him. "Daniel is never going to work for you. He's chosen to quit the program instead."

"I'd advise him against it, O'Neill, if I were you," the other man replied, his thin upper lip growing even thinner as he spoke (I swear it was). "Daniel," he said, quirking an eyebrow as he used the name, "is going to be just the addition my team needs. Mayborne and his predecessors left quite a mess that we are still cleaning up and I just know Daniel will be an asset."

I could almost admire the way he made the simplest things sound smarmy and revolting at the same time.

Almost.

I'd still rather he just died on the spot instead.

"Tell me, Jack," he said, letting his voice drop to just above a whisper, "is he... vocal? He seems the type that would be."

I stared at him, momentarily speechless at the audacity.

He leaned in just a little, taking advantage of my shock to infringe on my personal space. "I hope you... prepared him for any... extra assignments I might have for him."

I was suddenly struck by the vision of Daniel's mouth screwed in a grimace of disgust as Gutierrez's clammy, quivering hands grabbed at him, his beautiful blue eyes squeezed shut against the horror of the scene I had constructed. Without thought, my hands dug into the starched collar of the other Colonel's dress shirt, dragging him toward my snarling face.

"Easy, Jack," Gutierrez chuckled as though I wasn't inches from pounding the life out of him in the middle of the hallway. "You don't want to do something stupid."

"I already did," I grumbled, still not releasing him, unable to make my hands unclench. "I should have shot you back on that planet when I had a chance."

Gutierrez chuckled again, forcibly yanking his shirt from my grasp and stepping back. I had a brief satisfaction as I noticed the creases I left behind. "Just be thankful I didn't make you give up your job here. But I could use someone on the inside, just in case."

I so wanted to hurt him. I ached to do it. "Watch your back, Gutierrez," I uttered, my voice too low for any nearby electronic equipment to pick up, I knew, but hardly caring. "Either by me or by god, one of us is going to get you."

"Are you threatening me, Colonel O'Neill?" he asked, a demonic sort of light in his eyes as he smirked at me.

"No. That would imply I didn't mean it. I most assuredly do."

"I think you're in enough trouble at the moment, don't you, Colonel?" he asked, folding his arms over his chest. "You don't want to do anything that Doctor Jackson is going to have to pay for later."

I backed away, needing to remove myself before I carried through on my threat right then and there. "Don't get comfortable," I said, shaking my head. "You're not going to have enough time to enjoy this."

~~~

"Carter. C'mere."

I leaned out past the support beam I was hiding behind, catching her just before she was about to step into the elevator and head out, presumably home or... whatever it is she did off hours. Probably see that guy she's been dating. Whatever his name was.

Okay, I felt a little bad but this was way more important.

She looked around, finally spotting my position. "Sir?" she asked, craning her neck to see.

I crooked a finger, beckoning, glancing around to make sure I wasn't spotted. "Come here. I have a favor to ask."

Curious, she stepped quickly to me, hands dug into the pockets of her bomber jacket. "What's up?" she asked, keeping her voice low and glancing around as well. "Something sneaky going on?"

"You could say that," I answered, giving her an appreciative smile. Good old, reliable Carter. "I need your help getting some dirt on Gutierrez."

That stopped her good. She stared at me. "Sir?"

Amazing how she always spoke such volumes with that one word and that cocked blonde eyebrow of hers.

"Listen, I can't explain now or here. Can you find Teal'c and come 'round my place later, say, seven?"

"Sir, is something going on?" she asked, as if it weren't obvious enough and it weren't obvious that I knew that she knew that... well, it was obvious but she asked anyway.

"I told you," I sighed, shaking my head, looking around, "now isn't - Hey, wait a sec."

She looked over her shoulder as I moved around her, trying to determine who or what I was looking at. Daniel headed our direction, two boxes stacked in his arms, struggling to see around them that he hadn't noticed us.

"Son of a... I thought I told you to leave that stuff there," I snapped toward him, wincing only slightly as I heard back the echo of my own words down the concrete hallway.

Daniel stopped abruptly, still half hidden behind the boxes. I knew what was going on through his head. Finally he resumed walking, not stopping until he was closer when he lowered his load enough to see over the top.

His expression improved considerably from the soured one it had seconds before as his eyes fell on the woman beside me. "Hi, Sam," he said with a gentle smile. Those orbs of his narrowed at me. "Jack," he said, drawing the syllable out.

I couldn't help it. Even mad I thought he was dead sexy. Or maybe it was because he was mad. Whatever. It worked for me.

"What's going on?" Sam asked, nodding toward the boxes in his arms. "Working on a new project?"

Daniel's eyes flickered from me to her. "Ah, not exactly," he said, shifting the load in his arms. "I was -"

Both of them looked at me as I took a box from him.

"What?" I stared back, from one to the other. "It looked heavy."

Daniel sighed and addressed Carter again. She was still clearly waiting for an answer. Finally he sighed and said, "Well, you're going to find out soon enough anyway."

Alarmed I uttered, "Ixnay," in my best cautionary voice.

He shot me a sharp look, a warning of his own, before facing her again, shifting the load in his arms. "I'm quitting the SGC," he said bluntly.

At first she laughed, eyes crinkling as they slid over to me to share the joke. Except I wasn't laughing or smiling in response. Her snickers subsided and that suspicious look crept back into her eyes.

"What do you mean, you're quitting the SGC?" she demanded, looking at Daniel again.

I raised an eyebrow, challenging him to dig himself out of this one.

Daniel glanced from me to her to me again, for support. My eyebrow only arched more and I waited to hear what he was going to say.

Finally he sighed and, shifting his box again, said, "It's... time."

I snorted, rolling my eyes, ignoring the glare he shot me.

"Time?" she repeated, incredulous. Then she turned abruptly to me. "Sir, does this have anything to do with you wanting to dig up dirt on Gutierrez?"

Daniel's eyes bugged as he gaped at me.

I didn't have time to answer when she continued with,

"Did something happen?" Her eyes shot to Daniel, roaming over his face. "If something's going on, I want to know about it."

I was giving Daniel my "let's tell her" look and he was giving me his "don't do it" one right back.

She interrupted our silent, intense conversation with, "What is going on?" I broke from Daniel's eyes to glance at her. She was starting to get cheesed off. "Sir?"

I sighed loudly, grateful I was holding Daniel's box to keep my hands occupied. I opened my mouth.

"Jack," Daniel said sharply, staring at me. From the corner of my eye I could see him shaking his head vigorously.

"The truth is, Carter -"

"Jack," Daniel snapped, nudging me in the arm with a corner of his box.

I pulled back with a yelp, frowning at him. "Hey!"

He was giving me that look again.

"Guys," Carter said, interrupting our juvenile display. "Someone better tell me what's going on, especially if you want my help with Colonel Gutierrez."

"We don't need any help," Daniel said swiftly, looking to her with an apologetic smile. "Thank you -"

Daniel and I are having an affair."

His expression blanked, still facing her but I knew his eyes were glazing over. At first hers was blank too, soaking in what I'd said. Then she laughed, throwing her head back. "Good one, Sir," she chortled, nodding to us both. "But seriously. What's going on?"

Daniel's eyes fluttered closed and he lowered his forehead to the top of the box in his hand rather than look at her. I could just begin to see the blush creep across his neck. I, on the other hand, faced her with my usual reserved, stoic... non-smile.

"No joke this time, Carter," I said briskly, giving a half-hearted shrug. "Gutierrez found out and he's blackmailing us. Daniel is supposed to accept a transfer to Area 51 and I am supposed to apparently do whatever he wants me to."

Beside me, Daniel raised his head only enough to peer at her just through the crest of his lenses, his whole demeanor one of cautious concern. I looked away from him to her again.

Carter stared at us, clearly trying to comprehend. Her eyes, blue like Daniel's but a completely different shade, slid between us, trying to judge if we were telling the truth or pulling a really thorough fast-one on her.

Daniel and I looked at one another as he slowly brought his head up a little more. I guess he took her silence as a good sign. I didn't know what to make of it.

We both looked back to Carter at the same time.

She half-shook her head, a tiny squint in her eyes. Her mouth worked soundlessly.

I glanced to Daniel, the worry I was beginning to feel etched over his features.

He broke the silence first.

"Sam -"

She shook her head, backing away.

"Sam!" he called after her, taking a step.

She turned and broke into a full run, pausing only long enough to jab her finger against the elevator button repeatedly. The doors slid open and she dove through, quickly turning to the controls inside and just as frantically hitting buttons there. The last I saw of her she had a profoundly shocked and hurt look on her face.

Daniel turned sharply to me, accusation in his eyes.

I puffed a breath out the side of my mouth, shrugging. "She had to know."

Daniel's head tilted and he gave me that look again.

"What?" I shifted the box in my arms again. Geeze, what'd he have in here, bricks? "We need her help."

"Well," he said dryly, "we don't have it now, do we?"

~~~

I wandered around his apartment, wondering if this would be the last time I saw the inside of it. I mentally catalogued all the good and bad times we'd had in the cramped space, absently picking up things and putting them back down.

Daniel came back in from whatever other room he had been in and I caught him watching me from a doorway. He had shed his heavy jacket and I could see the broad expanse of his chest clearly defined under the dark, short-sleeved t-shirt he wore. Damn, I had good taste in lovers. I smiled at him, putting back down the latest thing I had picked up, whatever it was.

His eyes left mine and he briskly crossed the room to an overflowing bookshelf. "You don't have to stay, Jack. I've got a lot of things to do."

"I don't mind," I replied, shrugging as I sauntered over to him. "Y'know, it's either this or laundry and you know how I feel about laundry."

"Really," he said, moving things from one shelf to another. I guessed he was organizing but it didn't look much different. "I've got a lot of things to do."

"So you said." I stopped behind him, waiting as he continued to focus on the books before him. I watched the smooth line of his neck just where his hair ended and wanted to put my lips there. "Daniel," I said, reaching a hand out to his shoulder.

He rolled away, sliding away from my touch.

Slowly my hand drifted down between us. I frowned at his back. "Danny..."

His head dipped, slightly turning back toward me but not completely. "Maybe you should just go," he said softly.

I stood there instead. The last thing I wanted to do was leave. I reached up, scratching my head, before finally saying, "Are you mad at me?"

His sigh was loud and long. He just turned back to the bookshelf.

"Carter would have found out anyway," I said, assuming. "And... it's Carter, Daniel. She's... you know she's not just anyone -"

"She certainly didn't take the news very well," he said back over his shoulder.

I shrugged absently. "She'll come around. C'mon, it's Carter." As if I needed to explain that. Sometimes that man just didn't get it. "Is this why you're mad at me?"

He sighed again, shoulders bunching. Okay, maybe that wasn't it.

"Daniel, look, I don't know about you but I'm a little, well, irked and, okay, freaked out a bit here. Fighting with you is the last thing I want to do." My hand came up again automatically but I caught myself before it touched him. The rejection was painful enough as it was. Wasn't enough going on that we didn't need to fight each other?

"It's not you," he said, interrupting my sour thoughts, speaking over his shoulder to me. "Not completely. It's us."

I narrowed my eyes, trying to make sense of it. Of him. "What -"

"Us," he emphasized, still facing away from me as his head tilted back. "What were we thinking, Jack? Did you seriously never think this day would come? We were lucky this is all that's happened."

"Lucky?" I said with a harsh, cold laugh, stepping closer behind him. "You call this 'lucky'?"

Finally he turned, facing me. I could have crumbled from the look in his eyes and I almost wished he hadn't turned around at all.

"Yes, Jack," he said, sighing heavily, holding my eyes with that heavy, remorseful gaze of his. "Have you considered what could have happened if someone other than Gutierrez and his pettiness had discovered us, off-world, in a compromised position?"

I forced a smile I didn't feel, my stomach doing a somersault. "Maybe we would have gotten even luckier," I joked half-heartedly.

My careless answer clearly disappointed him. He let out a disgusted grunt and turned away again.

At least, he tried to. I caught his arm, keeping him from getting very far. "All right, we fucked up. Rules, I know. But Daniel," I said, tugging on him again as his eyes began to wander, "I don't think I can call blackmail 'lucky', not by a long shot. I don't consider it 'lucky' that you're so mad you can barely look at me and you're actually taking into consideration quitting the SGC."

"Damnit, Jack," he said, eyebrows peaking as he looked at me, angry. I didn't care. "You don't get it. It's over. We're over."

"We're not," I said, shaking my head. I did not want a rehash of earlier. My fingers on his forearm tightened. "We are not over because some blackmailing piece of shit, mother fucking pathetic excuse for an Air Force Colonel almost caught us in a compromising position."

His stared wide-eyed at me, as though he couldn't believe I'd really just said that. But, I rationalized, I'd used much cruder language in the past, usually in bed with him or on the way to bed, so this couldn't have been much worse.

This close, all I had to do was lean in and...

He struggled out of my grasp yet again today and headed for an adjoining room. He threw an arm up in disgust. "You just don't get it, Jack."

"You can't go." He wasn't stopping. "I think I love you."

Then he did stop.

So did time as I held my breath, waiting.

"You..." He half turned back. "Think you love me?"

It was something, at least. "I'm pretty sure," I said with a genuine half-smile.

He turned completely toward me and his expression said he was not finding me amusing. "You're pretty sure you think you love me," he repeated flatly, folding his arms over his chest. Even fuming he was beautiful, all crisp lines and hard body.

Like normal, my timing was all wrong.

"Or... I think... I'm pretty sure I love you," I offered weakly.

"Well, when do you think you're going to know?" He stared at me, waiting for an answer.

There was a short knock at the door. He turned to it.

I took a step toward him. "Daniel -"

He raised a hand to stop me and opened the door.

Carter and Teal'c stood on the other side of the portal, her face pale and grim, his darker and, well, just as grim. I'm sure my surprise showed on my face as Daniel stood aside to let them in, my greeting dying in my throat as Carter brushed briskly past me to the sofa. I turned back to the big man. "Hey, T."

"O'Neill," he said, inclining his head to me in greeting. He was dressed all in dark clothes and the caption on his shirt read: "You can run but you'll only die tired." Jaffa humor at its best. "Major Carter informed me my presence was urgently required."

I grasped his firm hand, welcoming both the offer and the distraction with a rush of relief. "Thanks for coming, T."

"What is the mission?"

I looked from him, to Daniel hovering near the door, over to Carter to see she had only just now turned away from us all.

"I didn't say a thing, Sir," she said without prompting, staring at the wall opposite her. "Just that you requested our help. You weren't at home so we came here."

Good old Carter.

"Hey, you guys want a beer?" I asked, looking around. "I could use a beer."

"Jack..." Daniel said with his typical sigh, shaking his head.

"Is there not an emergency?" Teal'c asked, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"Oh, there's an emergency all right," I muttered, "but it's definitely something best told over brewskies."

Daniel was looking distinctly away from me as I passed him for the kitchen, to retrieve the two six-packs I left in his fridge. We were going to need all of it today. I reentered the living room, trying to ignore Daniel ignoring me and moved opposite Carter. I dropped the twin boxes on top of the coffee table, making the contents rattle noisily. Grabbing a bottle, I popped the top and automatically passed it off to Teal'c, who just took it, puzzled.

"Carter?" I asked, popping another.

She just held her hand out, not looking at me. When I passed it over, she immediately took a long pull from it, keeping her face carefully composed and eyes on the carpet.

I sighed, reaching for another bottle. "Daniel?"

He eventually looked at me again, a disappointed but resigned look on his face. I held the bottle out, a questioning eyebrow raised. Eventually he sighed and walked over, taking it from me. When I didn't let it go right away, holding it a second longer than absolutely necessary, he actually glared at me. Finally he tore it free, shaking his head as he stalked back to his hovering position.

Damn, things were going from bad to worse to even worse than that.

I grabbed mine, sorting out what I wanted to say. Teal'c had taken a seat beside Carter, watching me closely, hand wrapped firmly around the neck of his untouched beer.

I took a breath then deep swallow of my drink. "All right. Well... Thanks for coming. Like I said. It means a lot to us - er, me." My eyes flickered to Daniel, who was only half paying attention. At least, that's what he tried to get me to think, but I could tell from his body language that he was listening to everything very closely.

"O'Neill," Teal'c said, causing me to look back to him, then Carter, then him again. "Was there not an emergency?"

I nodded. "Yeah, T..." I took another breath and said, "Colonel Gutierrez, Mayborne's latest replacement from Area 51, is trying to blackmail Daniel and me."

Teal'c's eyebrow rose, typically, and Carter hazarded a look up, first back to Daniel then me. I took deep swallow of beer, waiting.

Finally Teal'c said, "Blackmailing you and Daniel Jackson in what way?"

My eyes flickered over to Daniel. He still looked irritated but not as hostile. Company and all that. He was shaking his head slowly, but not in a negative sort of way, more like generally discontented. His arms were half folded over his chest as he waved his now half empty bottle of beer at me. I took it as a sign of consent.

As I looked back to the pair on the sofa I noticed Carter was watching me closely and I found her expression disconcerting. She looked right on the edge of angry, yet curious, as if wondering what I was going to say. As if perhaps my original explanation really was some kind of joke and now, with everyone assembled, I'd get to the real heart of the problem.

She looked prepared to be disappointed with whatever I said.

Greeeeeeeeeeeat.

I took a swig, then another, steeling myself. Finally I said, "The truth is, T, Daniel and I have been having an affair and Gutierrez found out." I could see he wasn't getting it. "You know, dating. Sleeping together."

At least we were, I thought grumpily, sparing a glance in Daniel's general direction. He had taken to avoiding me again.

My eyes returned to the two before me and I could see Teal'c letting it sink in, in his indomitable way. Carter was back to not looking at me, finishing her beer. I tell ya, I could be alone in a crowd. I tossed the bottle opener to the table top, between the cases, and took a chair where I could see everyone and drank to my own misery.

Teal'c was the first to break the silence. "What is the mission?"

I slumped in the armchair, feeling the weight of everything; my age, the relationship I had with everyone in the room, both individually and as a group, the responsibilities I had... "I have no idea," I muttered finally.

Carter looked up. Her eyes were a cold blue, glittering really, and the muscles of her jaw were stiff as she said, "Well, Sir, you said you wanted help digging up dirt on Gutierrez."

I raised an eyebrow to her, watching as she reached for another bottle and the opener. "Fight fire with fire, I say," I said, toasting her with my drink.

"Are you certain there is any intelligence to find?" Teal'c asked. I noticed he was still holding his open bottle and hadn't touched it. Smart man.

"I have no idea," I said again, shrugging. "Although I find it hard to believe scum like that doesn't have dirt in his closet."

"Skeletons, Jack," Daniel interjected, still hovering around the fringes. He was slowly pacing, I noticed. Very slowly. But hey, at least he was participating, right?

"Dirty skeletons, I don't care," I said with a limited shrug, pinned as I was in the small chair. "The point is, if they tried to find someone as crooked as Mayborne, they succeeded." Everyone was looking at me, a variety of skepticism on their collective faces. "What?"

"Are you sure you're not just... looking for things that aren't there?" Carter asked, cocking a sardonic eyebrow at me. "Er, Sir."

She was trying to deal with this. I more than admired her for that.

However, I still had to answer her question.

"Believe me, he's scum," I muttered. I really didn't want to talk about the last conversation I'd had with the man. "He's got beady eyes. Those people can't be trusted."

Carter gave a noise, sort of like a grunt, and rolled her eyes, drinking. Teal'c seemed to be considering it. Daniel was staring at me, a cross between disbelief and annoyance.

"Look," I said, leaning forward.

"Give it up, Jack," Daniel sighed, putting his beer bottle on the dining table with a heavy thud. He started to leave the room.

I'd about had it. The three people in the world I trusted the most and none of them seemed to believe me. This was serious, people! Couldn't they see that?!

"Okay, fine," I said, throwing my empty hand out into the air, fed up. "You want to know why I think so?" With satisfaction I noticed Daniel paused at the doorway between rooms, hanging back. "As if blackmail isn't enough? Fine, boys and girls, here's the deal. Gutierrez has alluded to Daniel providing certain favors for him." I paused, more for effect than anything else. "Sexual favors."

Carter choked on her beer, spitting some of it back up.

"What!?" Daniel snapped, causing everyone to turn and look at him. He stared at me in sheer anger, stalking forward. "Why didn't you tell me this?!"

Teal'c and Carter were watching the both of us, their eyes darting back and forth like this was some kind of tennis match. I'm surprised neither wrenched their necks.

I rolled my eyes to him. "Because I figured you'd be mad enough being forced to quit the SGC or having to transfer to Arizona that you didn't need more things to piss you off."

"I can't believe how you could even think of not telling me this," he sputtered angrily, walking around the sofa toward me.

I was glad I was sitting. As he neared I quickly sucked on the bottle in my grasp, gathering some liquid courage.

"Daniel," Carter said, getting up, "maybe the Colonel isn't right to keep it from you but I can understand where he's coming from. It sounds like a cheap shot on Gutierrez's part."

I watched the both of them face off and couldn't help but feel a little smug that she'd come to defend me. I quickly kept it off my face as Daniel's eyes dropped briefly to me.

So instead I said, "Now do you see why I call him scum?"

I could see Daniel's mind working, his eyes narrowing dangerously, like he really wanted to tell me off. But what he wanted to say most likely wouldn't have been fit for guests. I knew he was thinking it by the stiff way he backed down and stomped away again.

"So," I said, pulling myself up and sitting forward, "are you guys going to help me with this or not?"

We came up with a workable plan even if it wasn't as aggressive as I would have liked. Teal'c and I were on surveillance while Carter and Daniel were going to hit the computers and see what they could come up with.

Like I said, it wasn't aggressive enough for my tastes but it was something. I couldn't seem to impress upon everyone how time sensitive this whole plan was. Carter suggested that even if Daniel did transfer - and gratefully she was trying to talk him into that instead of outright quitting - we would still be able to work on the problem and be able to bring him back eventually.

I told you I didn't like it.

It was weird, kind of, how the two of them were bonding over this whole thing. T and I sat quietly, staring at the boob-tube, deciding we were all a little too buzzed by now to effectively do anything that night. We hadn't drank all the beer but we didn't leave much behind. Daniel and Carter were at the dining table, talking in low whispers, occasionally bursting into stupid laughter.

Well, it sounded stupid to me. But then again, I think I was the source of the joke too a few times. I kept looking over but neither noticed nor cared.

So that was why when, later on, Carter was out on the balcony getting some air, I decided to head out there and talk to her. Clear the air. I needed her one hundred percent on this deal or we'd never pull it off. And I desperately needed us to pull it off.

I could tell from her body language that she knew it was me coming up behind her, stiffening ever so slightly. She'd left her jacket inside so I could see the tension in her body clearly. Sides, the balcony wasn't that big. She could easily see me from the corner of her eye without moving.

I settled in beside her, leaning on the railing with a thud. I was drunker than I thought. Well, it was a good night for it.

I stood there, next to her, quietly, just looking out over the busy street below. The moon and stars were out but you couldn't tell with the city lights, smog and other crap in the air. Too bad, really. On the balcony, in the moonlight, with a pretty blonde could do a lot for my mood right about now.

Without turning to her I said, "Thanks."

"For what, Sir?"

I gave a bit of a shrug. "For, y'know, everything. Helping when you could have easily gone to Hammond and -"

"I wouldn't have said anything," she interrupted with a deep sigh, staring out over the road like I was. "You guys are..." She stopped, shaking her head. "I'm not going to say anything to the General or anyone else."

"Well," I said, tilting my head just a tiny bit, "someone - well, Fraiser already knows." I watched shoot a look at me. "She's our doctor," I said simply, shrugging.

She stared at me a moment then slowly shook her head, turning back to the road.

"I just..."

I turned to face her profile. "What?"

"Nothing," she said, not looking at me, shaking her head. "Forget it."

"No, Carter... Sam. What? Ask me. You already know... way more than I thought I'd ever tell you. Go ahead and ask."

Her eyes turned to me before her head did. They were bloodshot and guarded. "Sir... I don't... I mean, you and I -"

I nodded, figuring this was what she meant. "You know why, Carter."

"But... Daniel? I didn't even think -"

"Neither did I."

A heavy silence fell between us. I continued to face her as her eyes searched mine, figuring she deserved any answers she could handle at this point. She only needed to ask.

"Are you... happy?"

I blinked at the unexpected question. "I... yeah, I think so. Usually. Not now, of course." I could feel myself frowning. "It never would have worked out between us, Carter."

She swallowed then took a breath. "Why not?"

"We couldn't have had a relationship and both of us stay with the SGC. You know that. It's not fair but it's true."

Her eyes took on that cold sheen again. "But you and Daniel can?"

My gaze fell and I sighed. "He's a civilian. And obviously we had to be discreet."

"We could have been discreet," she said faintly, still watching me as I looked to her again.

I stared into her eyes, the possibilities running through my mind still, even now. Maybe I was stupid for not taking my chance when I had it with her, but it was far too late for that now. Maybe she would never completely understand, and I wasn't going to force her to, but I still cared for her as much as I was allowed to.

I looked away finally, feeling vulnerable in that moment. "It wouldn't have been fair to you - to either of us. You deserve... to not have to hide and sneak around." I looked again to her, serious about what I was telling her. "You deserve a command of your own and to have that command at the SGC. You deserved your career."

"But Daniel doesn't?" she asked, arching an eyebrow, folding her arms over her chest. Her voice was as sharp as her words. "Hiding and sneaking around and now he's nearly lost his career as well as the SGC. Is that more fair?"

She was mad, buzzed and, well, right. She deserved to talk to me this way.

Course, I still didn't like it.

"Things got out of hand. Didn't quite go as I expected."

"Life doesn't, Sir," she commented, turning abruptly away and bringing her beer back to her lips, effectively ending the conversation.

I left her out there, passing T on the way, patting him on the arm. He, out of all of us, was taking this all exceptionally well and was just interested in catching Gutierrez at his game as I was. He was a rock, seriously.

As Teal'c went out onto the balcony I could see that left me alone with Daniel. Given how he had been acting since the bomb was dropped on us, I was pretty sure he wasn't as interested in being left alone with me as I was with him.

It couldn't be just because I'd never said I'd loved him, could it? They were just words. He should know how I felt about him, about us. I mean, I was willing to commit a court martial-able offense - hell, I had committed the offense.

But there he was, standing on the other side of the room away from me, cleaning up the mess we'd made with the ordered pizzas and drinks, giving me those "I'm-watching-you-without-watching-you" furtive looks.

I took a breath and started toward him. "Daniel -"

"Y'know Sam gave up plans?"

I stopped, cocking my head at him. "Huh?"

"Sam," he continued, his eyes on his work instead of me. "She had plans this weekend but she canceled them to help us."

My eyes wandered as I digested that.

"You should probably get Teal'c to take you home."

I looked up again, raising an eyebrow. "Teal'c drives?"

"He seems to think he can. He's been given lessons," the brunet before me answered with a shrug, stacking things around, apparently aimlessly. Busy work. "Call a cab, then. Neither you nor Sam are in any shape to drive."

I watched him, taking in the whole image: his hands, the muscles in his arms as they moved, his tightly controlled appearance as he kept not looking at me.

"So," I said finally, sighing. "You want me to leave."

"I think it's for the best," he replied, still not looking up. Everything so... casual, as though we were talking about golf and not our lives here. "I don't think it should be seen that we were here alone, after everyone else left."

Fuck, I hated when he got like this.

"We have been before," I pointed out, knowing I wasn't going to win this one. "What about my truck?"

"Let Teal'c drive it."

"Um," I said with an offended laugh, coming closer "no."

"Then pick it up later," he said with a deep sigh, his shoulders slumping as he stopped trying to pretend he was cleaning up.

I stopped just near enough that we weren't yelling across the room. Not that we had been but I also didn't want Carter and Teal'c to walk in on anything we might end up saying to each other if I could keep my voice low enough.

"Daniel, this isn't fair," I said with a frown. "Talk to me. Don't shut me out like this."

"Haven't we had enough trouble?" he whispered harshly back, only half tilting his head toward me. "Jack, even if we do manage to get through this, we don't need to tempt fate more."

The beer, the day, the atmosphere was making me melancholic.

"You know," I said, my eyes drifting momentarily before coming back to him, "you never said it to me either."

Something passed through his eyes but either the alcohol was slowing me down or it was my imagination. A noise made me turn. Teal'c and Carter were standing just inside the door from the balcony, looking at us. I moved away from Daniel, trying not to look like we had been doing anything wrong because, well, we hadn't.

"Major Carter and I are ready to leave," Teal'c announced, following her across the room. "Daniel Jackson said you would be leaving with us, O'Neill."

I shot Daniel a look. He was distinctly avoiding my gaze. "Yeah," I said, tired and even more disappointed, "I guess I am. Let me get my jacket."

As we filed out the door, I couldn't help but look back. Daniel was watching us go, hanging onto the door to close it. I was suddenly struck by the need to go back in, push past him, take him in my arms and say good-bye properly. It was silly to be leaving without even a kiss or even an embrace much less not even speaking when just a day ago we were all over each other. Carter and Teal'c knew now, damnit, and were probably waiting to see what, if anything, we were going to do. I warred with myself, do I or don't I, but the look on his face already told me the choice he'd made.

So I nodded and followed the others to the stairs, feeling like I had been punched in the gut.

~~

T and I sat at the back of a diner we'd found on the interstate, far enough from base that I wasn't worried some other personnel were going to wander in and identify us. We'd spent the better part of the day casing and eventually entering the suite the Air Force had put Gutierrez up in, looking for... anything, really. It was a long shot, sure, since people didn't necessarily travel with their "dirty laundry" but you never know what you might find. Of course, we hadn't, but you never knew unless you tried.

I hoped Daniel and Carter had better luck than we did.

I was staring at bronzed skinned Jaffa across the horseshoe shaped vinyl booth from me as I stirred cream into my latest cup of coffee, watching his eyes scan the crowd from under the brim of the really stupid hat he wore. I couldn't help but chuckle as I looked away. Some comic relief was a good thing right now.

"Is something humorous, O'Neill?"

I brought my eyes up again, grinning at his perpetual analytical gaze. "Nothing more than normal," I answered with a half-shrug. He gave me a brisk nod, looking back over the small, milling crowd of patrons. I watched him a little bit longer before saying, "Hey, T. You still haven't said anything about this... thing." I waved my hand in the air absently as his raised eyebrow turned back to me. "This... me and Daniel thing," I finished.

He continued to give me that look.

"You know," I continued, hunching forward a bit as I lowered my voice. "Because we're..." I waited but he still wasn't biting. "Guys."

We stared at one another for a long, drawn out minute. This time I wasn't going to be the first to speak, I told myself. He could damn well say something. Of course, look who I'm talking about. Mister Staring Contest himself.

Finally he said, "I understand that is taboo on this planet in some cultures."

My eyebrow rose. "Some cultures?" I repeated. "Are you trying to say that in Jaffa-land, that you guys -"

"I have known it done," he answered with a faint nod. A nod! It was progress. "It is frowned upon due to procreation reasons but it is not unheard of outside the duties of family."

I stared at him a bit. "So... you're saying you don't care?"

His head tilted a tiny bit, I'm sure of it. "I care very much what occurs with you and Daniel Jackson, O'Neill," he said and damned if he didn't seem a little offended by my question.

"That's not what I -"

"I do not understand why you are asking. It has been evident for some time that you and he were with one another."

I swear I didn't hear that right. "So... you knew?" I had to ask.

"I am trained in many skills, O'Neill. Observation is but one of them."

I pulled back a little. "Yeah, but -"

"Do not fear, O'Neill. I am certain none of your other military service persons have noticed. Your people tend only focus on those things that concern themselves or their immediate environment. The interpersonal relationships of others do not often concern them if they choose to ignore them. As Major Carter has demonstrated."

I winced for her. "Well, how long have you -"

"For some years now."

I stared at him. Years? Before Daniel and I even...? That bastard. I couldn't help but just keep staring at him.

His head turned. "Major Carter and Daniel Jackson approach."

My head snapped about and I hopped up and out of the seat, as did Teal'c, waving the two of them over. Carter slid in on my side but Daniel waved for Teal'c to sit back down before slipping in beside him. I stood on the other side of the booth, eyes on Daniel's bowed head, feeling... avoided. Finally I caught Carter watching me so I quickly dropped in beside her.

"So what's good here?" Daniel asked, reaching for a menu.

"The liver and onions," I offered, knowing damn well he hated the taste, the smell, the texture - everything about it. Okay, I was being petty, but so? At least it earned me a squint, even if it was terse and brief.

Carter reached for a menu of her own, catching my attention and causing me to turn to her.

"So," I said, finally grabbing a menu for my own and propping it before me as a shield, "we poked around his things in his rooms but got nothing. How'd you guys do?"

"Wait a second," Daniel interjected, his head shooting up. "You guys... broke into his room?"

"Yeah?" I answered, raising my eyebrow to him.

"Did it ever occur to you how illegal that was? Especially on base?"

My eyebrows twitched. "As though digging through his service record is any more legal?"

"It's hard to say how well we're doing at this point, Sir," Carter interrupted, her eyes fastidiously reading over the greasy menu items. "We found some interesting things and got a few leads but nothing conclusive so far."

I tore my eyes away from Daniel's to look at the others. "I don't need to remind anyone that we're on an extremely limited time crunch here, do I?"

"No, Sir," she sighed into the dirty plastic, shaking her head, "but you're right. It is a time crunch. Forty eight hours is not a lot of time for -"

"Then we make it enough time," I said grimly, looking the three of them over again. Carter sighed as she sat back and Teal'c was just listening. Daniel, well, he was glaring. "There is something on this guy somewhere," I continued. "We just have to find it -"

"Jack -" Daniel started.

"No, Daniel, don't."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Even if there were enough time -"

"Shut up, Daniel," I growled, keeping my voice low only so we hopefully wouldn't be overheard.

" - that doesn't mean we're going to magically be able to find something that isn't there!" he finished, the last few words just a little too loud for comfort in the small space. He fumed at me.

I suddenly didn't care anymore if someone could hear us. "Just because you don't care about... this anymore doesn't mean I'm going to just let it go." Let him go, I meant, but I couldn't very well say that.

He continued to glare at me for a long, tense moment. Then he stood abruptly, threw his menu hard upon the table and stalked to the back of the restaurant.

I sighed, slumping back. Good going, O'Neill, I thought, dropping my menu on top of the one he discarded. My eyes happened to come up and both Teal'c and Carter were watching me closely.

Carter slid over a tiny bit, leaning toward me. "You better go after him, Sir."

I gazed at her, letting her look and words sink into me. Then I got up and all but ran after him.

He was standing in the gloomy, narrow hallway that led to the single person bathroom, apparently waiting, his back to me. There was only one other exit, through the kitchen doors at the far end of the hall, and the way I was coming, so there was no escaping. As I neared, the person inside came out, letting Daniel through, and it was only because the guy acknowledged me with a greeting as he passed that Daniel even knew I was there. It was too late, however, since I pushed him into the surprisingly large room and shut the door behind me, locking it.

He stumbled a few feet, off balance due to my shove. I was going to pay for that one, I knew, as he spun around, his shock turning quickly to ire.

"God damnit, Jack," he began, shaking his head, the anger and heat practically radiating from his body.

"Just listen," I said, holding my hands out before me in supplication.

"Get the fuck out," he snapped, backing away and shaking his head. "What the fuck are you doing in here?"

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I shouldn't have told you to shut up -"

He snorted and turned away, shaking his head still. His hands curled into fists at his side.

I frowned, seriously at a loss of how to continue. Did he have any idea what this was doing to me?

Although... what was I doing to him, really? Being a bull-headed, piggish jerk, that's what.

I took a deep, shuddering breath. "I do love you. I don't know why I never said it. I love spending time with you. I love doing things with you. I love listening to you talk even if I don't always understand it. I love... I just... I love being with you. Everything about you. Even when we're arguing... it's still you."

Once I'd said it I realized how much sense it made to me and how good it made me feel to say it. And I really did mean it.

And in the john of some roadside dive no less. How romantic. Really, later, we'd remember this and laugh. And quickly change the subject.

But he hadn't turned back to me once and as elated as I was to get that off my chest, I realized I was quickly growing very depressed by his lack of acknowledgement. Wasn't this what he wanted?

"What did I do?" I asked finally, stepping away from the door toward him. His head was bowed, like he was gathering strength to do... something. "Do I smell? Did I not brush my teeth? Do I snore?"

Misplaced levity aside, I was getting deeply upset. "Am I too old?" I asked suddenly. "Would you rather be with someone younger?"

Finally he moved, if only to sigh and shake his head. "Jack -"

"I know you can get anyone you want and I certainly am not the most attractive person -"

"Stop it, Jack," he said turning finally, his posture suddenly limp, like he'd given up fighting. "That's... you know I don't care about that. I mean, that has never been -"

"Then what? Because we can't tell anyone? We could always move to Canada and get married there. I hear the fishing is good."

He looked at little startled, staring. Then he shook his head, eyebrows drawing together. "Jack, that isn't -"

"Then what?" I repeated, trying to keep my voice from breaking although I knew it wasn't working. "Tell me what it is and... and I'll fix it, I'll change it. I'll change. I will."

He gave me a haunted, sufferingly sad smile, shaking his head still. "You... you just don't get it."

"I'm admitting to it here, Danny," I sighed, throwing out my hands. "I don't get it. So tell me."

He brought his arms up, hugging himself. "It's not you -"

"So help me, if you say "it's me", I'm going to -"

"It is me, Jack."

I frowned at him, clearly not getting it still.

"Don't you see, Jack?" he asked, a pout on his face. "I could have easily ruined your career - and life."

I cocked an eyebrow. "Excuse me."

"We are lucky Gutierrez only wants to blackmail us and separate us. I couldn't live with myself if he turned you in and it cost you everything."

I stared at him. Didn't he know he was everything? That he mattered more to me than my career did at this point?

I cleared my throat a few times, chasing away the deep emotions. "So... you're mad..."

"I'm mad at myself," he finished, gazing at me, holding himself tightly. "I mean, I'm mad at you too, because you're an asshole sometimes, but I'm mad at myself more for letting this happen."

"Well, now," I said, remembering the events, "if I recall correctly -"

"I should have stopped you," he said with a quick shake of his head. "I could have stopped you. Rules, remember?"

"Yeah, but Daniel..." He let out a heavy sigh, half turning again. "So that's it? Because I couldn't keep my hands off your dick - and because you liked it - that's it?"

He looked back to me, his expression poignant and unrelenting.

"So... what happens if we do manage to make this problem go away? What then?"

"I don't know," he said softly, still holding himself. Like he was going to fall apart if he didn't. Like I was falling apart now.

I watched him for a long, quiet moment. On the one hand, it was nice knowing I wasn't being rejected for... well, the reasons I listed. On the other, did it really matter why ultimately?

I wanted to hold him but I felt like he wasn't going to let me and I couldn't handle any more rejection at the moment.

Besides, we were in the men's room. And I hadn't completely ignored the smell no matter how I tried.

So I nodded silently, turned and unlocked the door. As I was opening it to go, his voice stopped me.

"For what it's worth, Jack... I'm really sorry about it all too."

I paused long enough to nod then left him to his privacy.

"Hey, guys," I said, returning to the table. They had already gotten plates and had started eating. How rude. "Is that liver and onions?" I asked tiredly.

Teal'c nodded and Carter grinned at me.

"Yes, O'Neill. You are right. It is good."

"And good for you, too," I added with a hollow smile. I waved a hand in negation as Carter slid over a bit, making room. "If you guys don't mind, I'm going to head back to the mountain and see what I can dig up. T, you mind going back with Sam and Daniel?"

She was giving me a funny look as the man beside her shook his head, not pausing in his eating. "Sir, is Daniel -"

"He'll be right out, I'm sure," I said quickly. I really wanted to get out of there before he came back because there was enough tension going on between us all. "I'll call everyone later, 'kay?"

"Yes, Sir," Carter answered for the both of them. "Good luck, Sir."

I nodded and gave a quick wave before heading right out to my truck.

As I pulled away I knew I was scowling. And I didn't give a rat's ass who saw.

It didn't take a genius to figure out that while I was professing my love he hadn't and it hurt me more than I could admit.

~~~

I rubbed my eyes, not actually believing I was awake. "Sorry, Carter... what? I think I drifted a moment there."

She was leaning over my desk, frowning down at me. To be honest, she could have sprouted blue wings from her eyebrows and I wouldn't have had the energy to even blink in surprise.

"What part did you last hear, Sir?"

"Um... hi, Colonel, are you busy?"

She chuckled. "How long have you been here?"

I tried to think of the answer. At least, let her think I was thinking of the answer. I was more or less just making strange faces.

"Have you been here since you left the diner yesterday?"

That rung a bell. "Ah, maybe," I answered, sitting back in my chair. Oh, that was nice. I let out a tormented sigh.

"Sir, that was over 24 hours ago. You've been up almost 36 hours. Do you honestly think you're actually helping anymore?"

I squinted at her, cocking an eyebrow.

Apparently it worked because she apologized immediately. "Actually," she said quickly, turning back to the paper she had put before me earlier, "this should help. I just got off the phone with Major Brice, Colonel Gutierrez's assistant in Arizona, and we had a very interesting conversation."

I waited a moment before saying, "And?" drawing out the syllable.

"And," she continued, ducking her head, "I think we have a solution to the problem."

Problem. That's what we were calling it now. The problem.

I inhaled deeply and sat forward again, trying to pull it together. "All right, Carter, I'm listening. Whatcha got?"

"Okay," she said, pulling a chair near and dropping in it, "so we've been making calls and inquiring after Colonel Gutierrez pretty much non-stop the past couple days, right?" I waved an arm in the air, my equivalent of nodding at the moment. "Well, Major Brice called back, asking what was up. Y'know, Major to Major."

I gave a weary smirk. "'Round the old water cooler chat?"

"More or less," she said with a quick nod. "He and I met at a convention once in Saint Louis... Never mind."

I chuckled, propping my head up with a hand, elbow on desk, too tired to do much more than that.

"Anyway, we were just chatting about things in general and he asks, you know, why're we checking into the Colonel. So I said he was visiting, inquiring about transferring to the SGC and, since that would put him with us, I wanted to get a bead on his character."

I blinked slowly at her. "So you lied."

"I modified the truth," she replied with a shrug. "Turns out Brice wants Gutierrez's job so Gutierrez leaving would be beneficial to him. And the more we talked the, ah, more loose lipped he got."

"Remind me never to trust Major Brice," I said with a frown.

"Yes, Sir. But today it was a good thing."

"All right, Carter," I said, trying to cover a yawn with my hand. "Chase. Cut to it."

"Yes, Sir. Major Brice has his hands on some documentation that proves Colonel Gutierrez knew about Mayborne's involvement with the NID and possibly was also involved himself at some level."

That woke me up. "Are you serious?"

"Oh, yes, Sir. Very serious."

I leaned forward, resting my arms on the desk. "So what do we have to do to get a copy of this... documentation?"

"You're leaning on it, Sir."

I blinked, lifted my leaden limbs and looked down. "Holy buckets," I breathed, scanning over the contents, although I had to admit to myself I could barely read it. "What'd you have to give him for this?"

"Just promise to have dinner with him next time he's in town." She sounded smug. She deserved to be.

"Just dinner?" I asked, raising an eyebrow to her.

"Don't worry, Sir," she said with a chuckle. "I know how to handle him."

I surely hoped so. We didn't need a repeat of the problem in the future. "Good work, Carter. No, wait. Outstanding work."

"Thank you, Sir. It was a group effort, really. All of us involved caught his attention."

I sat there, staring at the paper. I honestly wasn't reading it. I was formulating in my head the conversation I was going to have with Hammond.

"Ah, Sir?"

I slid my eyes back to her. "Carter?"

"You realize you can't turn him in, right?"

I must have stared at her stupidly. She took a breath and leaned in.

"Sir, you can't tell the General. You have to lever this against Gutierrez himself. He's got to know his career is in more danger than yours is." When I didn't respond quick enough she continued with, "Sir, if you tell General Hammond about this and Gutierrez loses his command, he has no reason not to tell the Air Force about you and Daniel." She gave me a moment to let is sink in then said, "The only way you're going to keep him from blackmailing you and Daniel into doing what he wants is to let him know you can do more damage to him than he can to you."

Damn. Of course she was right. I might have thought of it too if I weren't so tired and distracted.

I sighed heavily, sinking back into my chair again. "Aw, crap."

"Yes, Sir," she agreed again. "On the plus side, since Mayborne is gone, the chances that Gutierrez has anything to do with the NID now is pretty remote since he was never directly involved. Theoretically."

"But who knows what else he's thrown in with," I said tiredly, rubbing a hand over my jaw, "or who."

"True," she said. "But it's good, er, dirt. Sir. It's what we were looking for."

I nodded. This was better - and worse - than I hoped for. If I did hold this over Gutierrez's head I wouldn't be able to use it to get rid of him. However, I wasn't going to lose Daniel to him either.

"Sir, if I may suggest..."

Slumped back, I forced my gaze to her again.

"Since this is what we've been looking for, there's no reason for you to force yourself to stay awake any longer. You really should get some sleep. You'll be more coherent in the morning, when you need to be."

I nodded again, tired but euphoric. If I were any more awake I'd be dancing a jig.

"All right," I said, pushing myself up and out of my chair with a groan. "I'll find a bunk to crash into."

She nodded, getting up as well.

"Hey, Carter?" I came around the desk slowly. "You done real good."

She gave me that faint, pleased grin of hers that I'd always found so charming. "Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir."

"Now get out so I can slip into a coma."

She chuckled, her head dipping into a nod. "Talk to you tomorrow, Sir. Sleep well."

Oh, I was going to sleep real well tonight.

"Briefing at 0900, right?"

"Yeah," I said, shrugging, "guess so." She was hanging around while I locked the office and I couldn't help but watch her watching me.

She looked... normal. In fact, she appeared to be in a good mood. Considering everything, it was extremely pleasant to see.

"Carter - can I ask you a question?"

Her luminous blue eyes held mine. "Of course."

We started walking down the hall, heading for the intersection where we would soon part ways.

"You're not mad at Daniel or me, are you?"

She gave a gentle laugh. "No, Sir, I'm not."

"But you were, right?" I watched her tilt her head, searching for a response. "Friday, at least?"

"Shocked," she said finally, "I guess, more than anything else. I didn't... Sir, the important thing is that you're happy. You and Daniel - and Teal'c, of course - you guys mean the world to me. So what if it's... well, we're not exactly conventional around here."

I smiled tiredly at her. "Thanks, Carter. I... it means a lot."

"And that stuff I said on the balcony -"

"Ah, fahgeddaboutit," I rattled off, shrugging. "It was the beer, the night, the... everything." We had finally come to the "T" intersection. I clasped her on the shoulder. "Carter, I just wanted to let you know, in case I never have, you know, I really appreciate you."

She gave a little quirky grin, her cheeks coloring ever so slightly. "Same here, Sir."

I started to turn to leave but I could see she wanted to say something more. "Carter?"

She fidgeted only a moment before saying, "I don't want to interfere..."

"Carter," I sighed, shoulders slumping, "I'm exhausted and I'm going to start hallucinating that Apophis and Hathor are playing leap frog through the halls if I don't get sleep soon. So spill it or go home."

She nodded quickly. "Are you and Daniel not talking now?"

I let out a deep sigh. Oh, that. I was depressed about it enough as it was but I didn't want her to see that. "No, I guess not."

"So... this was all for nothing then."

I shook my head, hiding a frown. "No, not nothing," I said quickly, eyes on her. "Daniel doesn't have to leave the SGC now."

Of course, that doesn't mean he won't transfer to another team, I thought forlornly.

It must have shown on my face because the woman before me wore a sad and sympathetic expression on her face.

"G'home, Carter," I insisted, probably a little more gruffly than I had intended but there it was. "See you tomorrow. Everything'll be right as rain. You'll see."

I turned, moving down the hall.

"Yes, Sir," she called after me. "Sweet dreams."

~~~

"Are you still packing?"

Daniel turned from the shelving unit he had been fussing over to look at me, a pile of... stuff in his arms. "No, I'm unpacking." His lips curved into a frown. "It looks like I'm packing?"

I waved a hand through the air, letting it go. I wandered further into the room, looking around. I caught myself glancing to the security camera in the corner. I don't know why I did it but when I looked back, he was watching me with a curious, serious expression.

"Planning on trying something?" he asked with an odd chuckle, as though trying to force some levity into his words he didn't feel.

I gave a half smirk, shaking my head. "Disappointed?"

He shrugged slightly, turning back to what he was working on.

I dug my hands into my pockets, walking slowly toward his desk, stopping just before him. As always, it was a monolith between us.

"So... You were pretty quiet today in the briefing."

"Yeah, well," he said, shoving another book on the already overcrowded shelf. "It was all routine. Not much to say."

"I guess not." I gazed at the desk top, not knowing what to say. I knew what I wanted to say. I wanted to ask if we were still together. I wanted to ask if he was considering leaving the team. I wanted to ask how he could let me tell him I loved him and not say anything about it. I didn't understand a lot of things and frankly, I didn't want to understand that.

"So, ah..."

I looked up to see him still moving things around. I swear his system made no sense. It was probably a safety measure on his part but, yeesh, how'd he ever find anything?

"Yeah?" I asked, shaking the distractions from my head.

He gave a little shrug, his back still to me. I could see the outline of his ass through his pants and, honestly... wait, distractions. Right, gotta stop that.

"Oh, I was going to say I just hadn't seen you all day."

"Yeah, well," I said, letting my eyes drop. What did it matter if he wasn't looking at me anyway? "Y'know how Mondays are. Meetings and... more meetings."

"Yeah."

I heard him move so I looked up again, noticing he was watching me.

A hand went up to adjust his glasses absently, a typically normal, natural Daniel maneuver. God, I just wanted the normal, natural Daniel back. Not this... stranger I was forced to deal with.

"I, ah," he said, "didn't hear anything about Gutierrez or... transferring or... anything."

I gave a nod and a shrug. "Yeah. I caught him before he could talk to Hammond. He should be back in Arizona by now."

He waited for me to continue but when I didn't he just sighed. "So... I guess everything's taken care of?"

"Yep," I answered with a quick nod.

His eyebrow was cocked at me, clearly disappointed with my short answers. But I just couldn't summon up the energy.

"Well," he said finally, sighing. "Good. Great. Good." He shook his head and turned back to the shelf behind him. Absently he gave a half-hearted chuckle. "It would have been easier if one of us ended up with Sam."

I frowned, although I knew he couldn't see it. "Easier on who? Not Carter."

He chuckled a little louder, glancing back briefly. "I always wondered why you never ended up with her."

I squinted at him, guarded. "Why didn't you?"

"I asked you first."

"You didn't ask," I grunted as he turned to face me. "You wondered. You're more her type anyway. All smart and educated and stuff." I gave a shrug. "I'm her CO."

"She likes you better," he said simply.

I snorted at him.

"Seriously, Jack," he pressed. "You're everyone's hero." He gave me an expressive look. "Who couldn't like that?"

I wasn't sure the point he was making. Was he trying to convince me I should go date her or something?

My frown deepened as I looked at him. "Apparently you," I said finally.

He held my gaze for a long, long moment. I wasn't sure what to say, if there was anything to say after that.

His head lowered slowly. Was I supposed to just let him go, then? Was this it? It was going to, what, go away through attrition?

I opened my mouth a few times, trying to speak, just... unable to push it out. Eventually I just blurted, "Are you going to leave SG1? I mean, for another team?"

He looked up sharply, the muscles in his neck trembling. "What? Why would you - do you want me to - ?"

"Wha - wait, no," I said quickly, holding my hands out and shaking my head. "No, I... I wasn't sure if you, you know, didn't..." I stopped, staring at him.

"Didn't... what?" he asked softly, holding my gaze.

"You know. Didn't want to work with me anymore." Once I'd said it I actually felt worse than when I only thought it. Maybe because I had to actually make a coherent idea out of it, to get it out. Because maybe it was likely when it finally came down to it.

I knew I was frowning. I could feel it. I just hoped I didn't look as dopey as I felt.

His eyes drifted away, but only briefly. "Do you want me to?" he asked, just as soft as before.

"God, no, Daniel," I said, taking a half-step forward, stopping because of that damn desk. "I just... I don't know what's going on with us. You... you barely talk to me -"

"I'm talking to you now," he interrupted quietly.

"Yeah, but..." My shoulders slumped. I sighed. I frowned at him. "How can we... Can we work like this?"

He looked down and away. Then his eyes came back up, searching mine. "Jack, I... Maybe we should just... take a break."

"Take a break?" I asked, gazing into his eyes. "From...?"

"From us," he said, a soft tremor in his voice. "At least... for a little."

My sigh was deep and long.

"Jack... I meant what I said when I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ruined everything here -"

I was shaking my head, looking back to him, opening my mouth.

" - if I ruined your career - "

"Daniel, you're not -"

"Damnit, Jack," he snapped, balling his fists up angrily at first but then just shrugging, the fight going out of him again. "Just... we don't know when this could happen again if we don't... stop..." He frowned at me, his beautiful smooth features scrunching together. "I just... I think maybe we should... take a break."

"Take a break," I repeated flatly, a strange feeling of numbness coming over me.

"For a bit," he said with a nod. "Maybe to see... if we should... could... stop."

"Stop," I said, repeating again. "You want to stop."

He gave a helpless little shrug, looking away.

I gazed at him. I remembered distinctly the last time I'd been with him. God, we were happy. I knew we were. And it seemed so long ago.

"So you're dumping me," I said finally. Strangely, I didn't feel a thing. At the moment. I imagined it would hit me later.

A sad grin spread across his face. "If we were in Canada, it'd be a trial separation," he said jokingly.

I wasn't laughing. "If we were in Canada, this wouldn't be an issue."

"No," he sighed, "I suppose not."

I was tired suddenly. I needed to go home, get comfortable and get drunk. In that order.

"Fine," I said, turning to go.

"Jack -"

"You win, Daniel," I said, throwing an arm in the air in passing. "You win."

"I don't want to win, Jack -"

"Whatever," I said, not stopping. "See you tomorrow."

~~~

My cell phone went off. Again. I grunted with irritation. Honestly, if it was Carter calling again, checking up on me, I was going to very impolitely tell her to leave me the hell alone. It was bad enough I'd told her about Daniel, in a moment of weakness earlier. She didn't need to keep calling back to make sure I hadn't done something stupid. So far I'd only drank more than I probably should have, considering I had to get up tomorrow and prepare to gate out. But, damnit, it was only beer and I'd only, at most, have a headache. Nothing some aspirin wouldn't take care of.

Life just wasn't fair. You risked everything, every day, and asked for just a little happiness. It wasn't fair, damnit. We'd won. We beat the bad guy. Again. So where was my goddamned prize?

Sitting up, I dug the thing out of my pocket where I had slumped against it, momentarily amazed at the instant relief from retrieving that was. After I got rid of whoever was on the other end of this line, I was shutting the ringer off and putting it somewhere that wasn't my pocket. That just didn't feel good at all.

Flipping the top back I grunted "O'Neill," as I let myself sprawl back against the sofa cushions.

"Hey."

My dull brain instantly recognized the voice. Daniel. I couldn't help but frown.

"Hey," I said back shortly, taking another swig of beer.

There was a longish pause, as though he wasn't sure why he called any more than I was.

Finally he said, "So... what's up?"

I sighed deeply. Couldn't he just leave me alone? I didn't want to be his friend, not right now, not just a few hours after he'd dumped me in his office. I'd be his friend later. Tomorrow. Maybe the next day. But right now I was as close to miserable as I was going to admit to myself and I really didn't want to have to deal with the source of my misery.

I took another long swallow of beer, feeling it slide down my throat, emptying the bottle. "Oh, y'know," I said, forcing myself forward to plop it, loudly, on the coffee table, next to its three buddies. "Just watching the game."

"Yeah? What's the score?"

"Ten to two," I answered quickly. I had no idea. I wasn't even paying attention. Not that he'd care either. I knew it and he knew it. "You?"

"Oh, I'm... uh... y'know. Been driving around."

"Yeah? Been out, huh?"

"Yeah," he answered quietly. "Something like that."

I sat there, phone to my ear and no beer in sight. I didn't quite trust myself to get up right now either.

So I sat there, wondering why the hell he was on the phone if he wasn't going to talk.

"So," I said instead. "Carter call ya?"

"No," he said after a bit. "Was she supposed to?"

"Nah. Probably not." Well, at least he wasn't calling because of her. Fine, then, if he wasn't going to talk, I would. "So," I said as a preamble, "I had a shitty day."

I fell back against the sofa again, sinking down. Fuck it, I thought vindictively. If he doesn't like it, he can hang up.

"Oh yeah?" he said, sounding distracted. "What happened?"

"I got dumped." I paused, wondering if he was going to say anything. When he didn't I just carried on. "I mean, I guess I had been all weekend but I didn't really accept it, you know? But I guess today it finally got through my thick skull."

"Why today and not the other days?" he asked softly.

I shrugged although I knew he couldn't see it. "I guess I'm just stupid and stubborn. That's what you always say, right? I never listen if I can help it."

"No," he argued faintly, "I never say you're stupid. I never think that. Stubborn..." He stopped and I could hear him take a breath. "I think sometimes you pretend not to listen because you don't like what you're hearing."

"Six of one..." I trailed off, letting my head fall back.

"Are you all right? You sound like you've been drinking."

"I have been drinking. People do that when they get dumped. But maybe you just don't know what that's like."

There was another long pause and I hadn't realized I was dozing until his words brought me back abruptly.

"Well, I didn't have such a great day, either."

I couldn't stop the snort from escaping. "You poor thing," I said, probably a little more cruelly than I should have, but it's how I felt. "What'd you do?"

I waited, wondering what he was really going to say. Finally he sighed. "I broke up with my, uh, boyfriend."

It sounded funny so I laughed.

"I'm glad you're taking this so well," he muttered.

The doorbell rang and, still snickering, I pulled myself up. Maybe whoever it was would give me the excuse I needed to get off the phone.

"You know," I said casually as I crossed the living room, feeling the slightest sway to my step, "this isn't the most secure line, Doctor Jackson."

"I don't care," he said and I could just picture the misplaced resolve on his face.

I stumbled up the step separating the hall from the living room to the door. "Oh, today you don't care. You have some real priceless timing, Doctor Jackson."

"Could you stop calling me that?" he grunted into the phone.

I paused before the front door. "What would you like me to call you?" I grunted back. "Hold on, there's someone at the door."

I lowered the phone as I turned the handle at the same time. Apparently it was "Annoy Jack" night and I hadn't gotten the memo.

"Yeah, what'd'ya..."

Daniel looked up, the porch light just darting across the lenses of his glasses for the briefest moment. He wore a pensive expression as he took his own phone from his ear, his dark eyebrows drawn together, the deep blue of his eyes unusually large and bright. In a word, he was stunning.

Raising the phone back to my lips I said, "Sorry, I'm going to have to call you back. There's some jerk at the door."

I flipped my cell closed and turned away, chased by his heavy sigh. I couldn't look at him right now and be strong. I also couldn't just turn him away so I didn't bother to close the door behind me, knowing he would assume the invitation to follow. As I stumbled back down to the living room I realized I was both angry and pleased to see him and it just irritated me more.

"What are you doing here?" I grumbled, tossing the cell phone onto the cluttered coffee table with a clatter. I stood over the empty beer bottles and tried to remember if I had any more in the fridge.

"I wanted to talk."

I glanced back to him coming in slowly behind me, hands deep in the pockets of his overcoat. Had it been raining outside? I didn't notice.

I squinted, keeping him in focus, trying to look menacing. "Isn't that why you called?"

"Yeah..." he breathed, drawing the sound out. "I, ah, called from the driveway."

"Really," I said in the same, slow voice. "I never would have guessed."

I heard him sigh again as I turned away, heading for the sofa again. I figured I was drunk enough and really didn't need another beer. Besides, if I had to throw him out, I needed to be able to.

I kinda really wanted to do it, too.

I fell back into the pile of cushions with a soft groan. I could see him wandering unsurely around.

I frowned and began to wish for that extra beer.

"I thought you wanted a break," I said harshly. Sorta. My tongue felt kinda thick but I meant it harshly. "You didn't have to come over and tell me again. I heard you loud and clear the first time."

"No, Jack, I..." He perched on a chair opposite me, hunching into himself, letting the large coat envelop him.

I reminded myself we weren't together anymore and I shouldn't think how utterly attractive he was when he looked a little lost and forlorn, broody, and how much I wanted to peel him out of his clothing.

Nope, those thoughts would not do.

Finally he looked to me and I forced my expression back to angry. Or tired. Just not... so wanting.

"Maybe I was wrong."

I grunted. "Maybe?" I questioned, feeling an eyebrow go up slowly. I refused to let the possibility of what he was saying get to me, knowing that if he changed his mind again I'd shatter into a million tiny Jack pieces. "Do you think maybe you should have thought of this before you dumped me?"

His eyes fell away and I watched him slump a little bit more. I couldn't keep the pain from my eyes at the gesture and was glad he hadn't seen it. He played wounded so well. But he wasn't the victim this time and I wasn't here to rescue him. He'd made his bed, not me.

His throat bobbed with a deep swallow and I actually struggled not to stare at it. I stared at the TV instead.

God, this was hard. I still wanted him to leave, even more than before, before I lost it.

I forced the thought from my head and expression from my face as he looked to me and I to him.

"Yes," he finally admitted.

I sat there, frowning, not knowing how to proceed now that I'd gotten that out of him. I was still pretty ticked off but I didn't want him to see how close I was to forgiving him so soon. He didn't deserve it.

"Maybe it's too late," I said flippantly, giving a shrug. "Did you ever think about that?"

He looked... taken aback. His gaze drew inward. I watched him closely. Probably too closely.

"I..." He stared at nothing, eyes vaguely downward. "No, I didn't." He looked back up then, quickly, too quickly. I forced my own away, hoping he hadn't caught me. "Is it?"

I stared at the television, watching people move around on the screen. Nothing made sense but I didn't care.

"I don't know," I answered, half-shrugging. "It would serve you right if I said yes."

Silence spread between us, only the voices from the distant television filling the void. He looked at me and I looked at it.

"I'm really sorry, Jack."

I rolled my eyes back, a flat look in them. He was watching me, handsomely sad.

"It's not too late, is it?"

The painful spasm in my chest forced me up and out of my seat. "I'm getting a beer," I muttered, more to fill the abyss between us than to actually explain myself.

He was half a second behind me. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yes, mother Daniel," I said snappishly, dragging myself to the kitchen. I was sure my clumsy limbs betrayed me to his eyes but I didn't care. "I think it's a very good idea."

"I just mean -"

"I know what you mean." I got a beer and popped the cap, flipping the small metal opener toward him, watching as he fumbled with it momentarily. "Maybe you should have one too."

"No, thanks. Maybe I'll just make some coffee."

I shrugged, watched him watching me as I took a long pull from the bottle. When I brought it back down I was feeling less generous and he was still watching, just watching.

So I said, "Or maybe you should think about it some more, before you make some horrible coffee mistake."

My eyes, as unfocused as they were becoming, challenged his. I took another drink.

He was frowning, his coat seeming to envelop him. "I don't understand. I thought you'd be happy. I thought this is what you wanted."

"What I want," I repeated, muttering around the mouth of the bottle. I pulled it away, saying, "Since when... Do you have... What do you think it is I want?"

His eyebrows scrunched together. I arched one of mine, leaning back against a counter with a thud.

"I... I thought you..."

"I want someone who isn't afraid to be with me."

He sighed, his head falling a little to the side. His hair stuck up in all odd little angles. Perpetual bed head.

Damnit, I was doing it again.

"You know what your problem is, Daniel?" I said, thrusting my bottle at him accusingly, feeling the amber liquid inside sloshing around. "You don't have any faith in us. You could believe Sherrie..." I took a breath, collecting my wits. "That Sha're could... could... I dunno, survive with a snake in her head, that she could wait for you, but us..." I shook my head, feeling the disappointment, the sadness taking me again. "You told me you had been expecting this. You were waiting for it to be over."

"Jack..." he sighed, frowning prettily at me. "I always believed in you."

"But you didn't believe in us."

I looked away, suddenly vulnerable and trapped. But the alcohol was making me both brave and foolhardy.

"Do you have," I said, bringing my eyes back, "any idea how I felt for you?"

He looked vaguely... worried? Imagine that.

"I... well, you said -"

"Yeah, I know what I said," I interrupted, rolling my eyes. "But that... the words..." I sighed, realizing how stupid I sounded. "I'm not good like you with words. I couldn't say how I feel, not really."

"I dunno," Daniel said with a shrug. "You seemed pretty articulate -"

I moved toward him, taking advantage of his hesitation to invade his personal space. He was stiff with shock as I wrapped my free hand behind his head and brought my lips to his.

I, well, it's cliche, sure, but I poured my soul into that kiss. Everything I could muster, how I felt for him, how I felt about us, I tried to show him in that kiss. He made only the slightest noise of surprise before his lips opened under mine and my tongue was sliding alongside his. His arms came up around my back, clutching me to him, and I fumbled to put the bottle in my other hand on the counter so I could wrap my arm around him instead. His hands were under my shirt, sliding along my spine and he was making Daniel-sounds in the back of his throat as I crushed him against me, grinding my hips to his.

I could have drowned in that kiss. I would have forgiven him everything. And I was feeling extremely unsteady at the moment. That's why, just as abruptly, I shoved him away from me, slumping back against the counter again.

"And that," I said as he stared incredulously at me, chest heaving, "is how I feel about you."

The room was starting to spin. I was focused on his mouth as he licked his lips agonizingly slowly. His eyelashes fluttered.

I could see him panting, leaning precariously toward me. "Jack..."

"I needa lie down," I mumbled, brushing past him and out of the cramped room.

~~~

My bladder got me up. I stumbled across the hall in my t-shirt and shorts, yawning, and into the bathroom. It wasn't until I came back out that I realized I'd left the lights and television on because I could see and hear the soft glow coming from the front room. With another huge yawn I padded barefoot down the short hall, scratching myself in several places.

I knew the remote was on the table more than actually saw it and grabbed it.

"Hey, Jack."

I actually yelped, jumping back away from the lump I hadn't seen sitting there, fumbling with the television control to keep from dropping it.

"Goddamnit... Daniel?"

"Yeah," he said, leaning forward, his face catching the glow of the ambient light. "Sorry about that. Did I scare you?"

I scoffed, shrugging and waving a hand in the air at the same time, willing my head to stop thudding. "Nah, shoot, don't worry about it." I tossed the remote back on the table, wincing at the noise.

"So, how you feeling?" he asked, concern in his voice. He was watching me closely.

I looked away. "Better, thanks," I answered with a slight shrug. "Er... What're you doing here?"

"Oh, I was, um..." I looked back to see him sitting with his forearms on his knees. "You know. Thinking."

"Thinking..." I repeated. I shifted on my feet, eyes on him. "About what?"

I couldn't see his eyes as he lifted his head again. I felt a little fuzzy around the edges, vaguely recalling he had come over and we argued. How I ended up passed out in bed and him still here, I wasn't sure.

"Us," he said simply.

"Us," I repeated again, nodding. I moved slowly to the seat across the table from him. "What about us?"

"Well," he said, sitting back and taking a deep breath, "I thought about what you said and..."

"Wait," I interrupted, raising a finger, "what'd I say?" I could see his eyes narrowing in suspicion and I didn't want him to know I didn't remember. "In particular, I mean," I said quickly.

He tilted his head as he looked at me. "You know, about not having any faith in us. You and me. I mean, you were a little incoherent but..."

I stared at him as casually as I could muster. It probably helped I was still pretty tired. I remembered thinking about that very thing when I got home earlier, and feeling he was taking the easy out, but... I can't believe I actually said it to him.

"So, ah," he was continuing, "like I said, I've been thinking about it..."

I arched an eyebrow. "Yeah? So what'd you decide?"

"Well," he said slowly, glancing away, "I think you're right. In some respects. I... I definitely did completely believe Sha're was going to..."

I really didn't want to talk with him about his dead wife at the moment. I just stared at him, bored.

He looked back over at me and I saw him swallow. "I didn't give us -"

"We kissed, didn't we?" I blurted, having a thought.

He blinked at me. "Um. Yes..."

My eyes drifted as I nodded. Then they came back. "Was it good?"

His brows came together. "You don't remember?"

"Obviously I remember," I said with a scoff, shrugging a shoulder. "I'm just saying I thought it was good."

"I mean... you don't remember, do you?" He gave a cynical laugh, sitting back. "I thought you might be a little drunk but I didn't -"

"Now, hold on a minute," I said, leaning forward, "you came here to talk to me, not the other way around. I didn't drink and invite you over, I wasn't the one who completely abandoned what we had, and excuse me, that was a great kiss -"

"Okay, okay," he sighed, raising his hands in surrender. "It's just..." He gazed at me, shaking his head slowly. "I don't want to fight with you, Jack."

"So who's fighting?" I answered with a lazy shrug, sitting back again. "I told you, I've accepted it's over with us. I'm not fighting."

He watched me for a long, tense minute. My fatigue gave me the strength to weather it else I knew I'd be saying something frivolous and stupid right about now. I only raised my eyebrow, waiting for him to continue or give up and leave.

"I think we should stay together."

"Why? You obviously don't want a relationship with me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm another man or you just wanna play the field -"

"That isn't true!" he snapped defensively. "God, Jack."

"Then what happens next time?!" I snapped back, my temper flaring. "What happens when someone else finds out? What happens if some better offer comes along and you have to choose between what you really want and me?!"

He looked suitably horrified. "Jack!"

"I'm too old for this, Daniel!" I heard myself yelling and found myself standing suddenly, hands clenched at my sides. "I can't play the games anymore! I don't want to play the games anymore!"

His jaw jutted forward but fear lurked in his eyes. "I'm not playing games!"

I stared down at him, angrier than I thought I should be but angry nonetheless. "I can't lose you again!"

And there it was. The primal fear that I should give him my heart and soul and everything and he'd somehow leave, taking it with him, and I'd be an empty shell again. I almost couldn't handle it with Charlie. I almost couldn't handle it the other god-knows how many times we'd lost Daniel before. I couldn't give him my heart again and wonder on what distant planet he was going to leave it.

The television, oblivious, faintly played on in the background. I stared at him, chest heaving as though I had run a mile. He stared at me mutely, eyes wide like I'd struck him.

Then it all seemed to leave me at once. I felt as old as I claimed to feel suddenly. My shoulders sagged and I walked away.

"Wait -"

He bounded beside me, thrusting an arm out, stopping me. I looked away, sighing. Anywhere but him.

"You can't just say that and walk away," he half-growled at me.

"I'm tired, Danny," I said, honestly and metaphorically. "You want out. I understand. So here it is. I'm going to bed."

"I don't want out," he said hotly. He turned me to face him but I wouldn't look at him. "Damnit, Jack, I came here to apologize. I came here to tell you I was an idiot this entire weekend and when you left my office this afternoon and I realized you weren't coming back, I knew I had made a huge mistake."

He reached up to touch my face. I wrenched my head sharply to the side so he ended up driving his fingers into my hair. I couldn't repress the shudder but I wouldn't look at him.

"I've been driving around for hours," he continued, stroking my hair. It felt good and I hated that I was enjoying it. "I was actually sitting in your driveway when Sam called."

My head shot back. "You said she didn't."

He looked sheepish. "So you remember that much," he said ruefully.

I rolled my eyes and tried to turn again but his hands caught my head.

"She cares. She's upset because we're upset. Don't be angry for that."

I sighed, my eyes focused on a point past him. Good old, reliable Carter.

"Jack..."

I rolled my eyes back to him, knowing they were empty because I felt empty.

His eyebrows were drawn together and his eyes looked huge behind his glasses. He looked serious and sympathetic all at once.

"All right," he sighed, gazing into my eyes. "You're right. I didn't have enough faith. I thought it would be easier if we broke up. On you, me, the team..." His breath lingered on his lips. "But when you left my office today, and you were walking out of my life like that, I... I knew I'd been a jerk."

He looked at me questioningly, as though waiting for me to interrupt. I just continued to stare at him.

So he let go of my head and let his arms slip around my neck. My eyebrow went up a little. My arms stayed at my sides.

"I'm an idiot, I know," he said softly, resting his head on my shoulder.

God, he smelled good. Bastard. I swallowed a thick knot in my throat.

"You fought for me," he was continuing, oblivious to my discomfort, "for us. I was mad at first, thinking you were using our friendships with Sam and Teal'c to do what you shouldn't but, when I was just driving around and had time to think about it, I realized they were helping because they cared about us and no one made them to anything they didn't want to. Sam had said something earlier about this affecting everyone, not just us or even SG-1."

I was watching him from the corner of my eye, a frown on my face, my body stiff in his arms.

"And I thought about how you risked everything for me and how much you were willing to give up for me. It's overwhelming. It's breath-taking. I love you, Jack."

My eyes slammed shut reflexively and I struggled not to make a noise. I felt a grip around my heart not unlike a vise. He hugged himself close to me and I repressed the shiver my body wanted to do.

He continued blithely. "I love that you love me that much. I love that you keep my favorite coffee in your cupboard when I never actually told you what it was. I love that you keep tissue boxes practically everywhere, including in your truck and office. I love the fact that when I need to fill a prescription, you already know which drug store to go to."

I cleared my throat abruptly, interrupting. "Daniel, you don't have to say this just because I..."

My voice died in my throat again. I couldn't believe I was so choked up.

He leaned back, arms still around me, a frown on his face. "Because you what?"

I blinked a couple times, chasing moisture from my eyes. "Because of what I said in the bathroom the other day," I finished in a rough, gravely voice. "You... you don't have to -"

"Oh... god, Jack," he breathed, and I could feel it on my face. "Is that what you think?"

I tried to clear my throat again but it was so dry. "Hey, it's okay," I said, forcing a shrug in his arms. I felt his hands unclasp and slide down to my shoulders. "When I... when I said those things I wasn't trying to force anything. I thought... I dunno what I thought. I thought you'd, y'know, wanna know."

His concerned look disturbed me but I held his gaze.

"I love you, Jack," he said firmly, staring into my eyes. "I don't know why we never said it or even doubted it. I'm saying it because I want to, because it's true, not because I feel guilty. I... I love your sense of humor. I love that you always have some childish response handy, even when it's completely inappropriate."

I coughed, choking on a laugh. He was looking at me again with a faint expression of humor on his face as I said, "Oh, really?"

"Yes, well, even though I wish you still wouldn't do it at the inappropriate times," he said ruefully. He gave me a charming half-smile. "You keep me grounded. You make me realize there are things outside the SGC to live for. You give me a reason to live. I like waking up every morning, knowing you're going to be there for me. You brought me through so much, so much I thought I would never survive, and I don't know what my life would have been like without you in it. I don't want to know. I don't want to be without you now."

I started shaking my head, giving a little chuckle. "You are a wordy man, Doctor Jackson."

He returned my smile, wrapping his arms around my neck again. "You're eloquent in your own way too, you know. It isn't always what you say but how you say it."

I gave a little, self-satisfied chuckle.

"So, are you going to hug me back? Because I really feel like I'm clinging to a board in the middle of a storm."

Gingerly, I brought my arms up around his back, feeling the soft material of his shirt under my fingers. They closed about him and, with a deep sigh, I held him to me.

We stood that way for a while. I was still trying to process what he had said versus what I felt, silently praying to any god fucking with me right now that if this was a dream, I was going to slit my wrists when I woke up. Or maybe beat up a few religious people. Or both.

Finally I cleared my throat and said, "So you parked in the driveway?"

He leaned back in my arms. "Yeah. Is that a problem?"

"It could be, if the neighbors still see it there in the morning." I could the disappointment forming on his face. "Move it in the garage. There's room."

His features brightened considerably and he nodded. It sucked but we still had those appearances to maintain.

"Do you have a change of clothes?"

"Ah... no. But I can wear my BDUs. We're gating out tomorrow anyway."

I nodded, knowing that meant he was going to have to redress anyway on base.

"So..."

I focused back on him.

"Does this mean we're... still together?"

I gazed into his eyes a long, quiet moment. I didn't want to answer. I'm not sure why not. I think I felt if I said anything I would be just tempting fate. So instead I said, "We probably have more to talk about."

He looked vaguely concerned. "Like?"

"Like we're not going to go through this again. Next time something like this happens and you shut me out, I'm not going to fight you to hang in there. Got me?"

But I knew I was lying. I knew I was going to going through hell and back again for him if that's what it took. And I figured he knew it too but he didn't argue and just nodded quietly. Because Daniel left alone with his thoughts was a danger to himself. I needed him as much as he needed me. But I had to say it all the same.

He pulled his arms back and I released him, taking a step back. "I'll go move my car," he said softly. I watched him go then turn back. "Jack... if we were in Canada..."

I raised an eyebrow to him, waiting.

"Never mind," he said after a moment, turning.

"Yes, Daniel," I said anyway, making him stop. "I'd ask you to marry me."

He stopped again, waiting a moment before turning back to me. "So... if we were in another country... we'd be engaged right about now."

I have a half-shrug. "Would it matter what country we were in then?"

He gave that disarming little smile again. I couldn't help but grin.

"I guess not," he said after a moment. Then he gave a wicked little smirk. "So where's my ring?"

"Where's mine?" I countered, peaking an eyebrow. "You can't always be the drama queen, you know."

He laughed and waved a hand at me as he started heading out again. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

"I'll be in bed," I warned. "Sleeping. I wasn't kidding when I said I was tired."

"That's fine. It's late anyway and we have a field trip in the morning."

I was still smiling as he slipped out the door. Almost belatedly I remembered to shut off the TV and lights this time. Then, before heading to bed, I set up the coffee maker to start automatically in the morning, feeling entirely too happy and domestic about it.

Damn that man anyway.

~finis~