to the tune of -- you know which tune, right? With apologies to Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan
Sung by MAJOR GENERAL GEORGE HAMMOND, accompanied by Everyone Else.
(O'Neill is off-key, but loud. Jackson sings beautifully, on-key, but in Abydonian. Fraiser is the self-appointed Chorus Director, using a Very Long hypodermic as her baton. Carter's not actually there - she's in her lab, trying to blow something up. Teal'c is present but wisely keeping his mouth shut. All the rest get paid by the line, so they just hum.)
GENERAL:
I am the very model of a modern Major General,
I know of aliens vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the gods of Egypt, and I quote the fights historical
From Abydos to Erebus, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with all matters political,
I understand that funding for the Stargate project's critical,
When Congressmen try to cut Cheyenne Mountain's budget in half --
I immediately call the President and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
ALL:
He immediately calls the President and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
He immediately calls the President and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
He immediately calls the President and the Joint Chiefs, Joint Chiefs of Staff.
GENERAL:
For though they are not "in the loop" for Top Secrets I could relate,
They know that many strange beings come and go through the Stargate.
In short, with aliens vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major General.
ALL:
In short, with aliens vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major General.
GENERAL:
SG-1 is my premier team. They all get along very well
(When they're not fighting). Anyway, the Air Force is "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".
Doctor Jackson is a genius who can read and write in Cuniform,
Although he always argues with anyone in a uniform.
Teal'c is an awesome warrior; apparently he has no fears.
(Or any sense of humour-think of Mr. Spock without the ears.)
Major Carter is a scientist, does wonders with a microchip --
While O'Neill can build a spaceship out of just one single paper clip.
ALL:
O'Neill can build a spaceship out of just one single paper clip.
O'Neill can build a spaceship out of just one single paper clip.
O'Neill can build a spaceship out of just one single, single paper clip.
GENERAL:
So when I've sent them to explore, to battle and to death (again),
When Jackson finally draws a resurrecting breath (again),
You'll agree, with aliens vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major General.
ALL:
Agreed, with aliens vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major General.
GENERAL:
We have beings from "The Twilight Zone" with Thor and all the Asgard sort,
It's somewhat like a "Star Trek" show -- those little guys can teleport.
The Goa'uld are drag queens with more psycho kinks than Darth Vader,
And talk about "Lord of the Rings" - they're better than an elevator!
The Tollan and the Tok'ra won't trade technology in kind.
(Though Selmac had to admit we kicked major Hathor-behind.)
Every week, unacknowledged, we go out and save the galaxy --
And all reports of slash at Stargayte-er, Stargate, are nothing but a fallacy!
ALL:
And all reports of slash at Stargate, are nothing but a fallacy!
And all reports of slash at Stargate, are nothing but a fallacy!
And all reports of slash at Stargate, are nothing but a fallac -- fallacy!
GENERAL:
Stargate is so Top Secret that promotion chance is limited.
Some days I feel like Teacher with unruly kindergarten kids,
But if I ever get my due, for managing O'Neill and all,
I'll be the very model of a modern Lieutenant General!
ALL:
If ever he gets his reward, for Jackson and O'Neill and all,
He'll be the very model of a modern THREE-STAR General!
* The "paper clip" line was a dig at MacGyver. But you knew that, too. Hope you enjoyed. J