Missing You 1

Missing You

by Jedi Nic

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asj/jedinic/missing01.php
Summary: Daniel reflects on the deterioration of his relationship with Jack.

I miss you.

There. I said it. Doesn't bring much relief, though, it's not like I'm actually saying it to your face. I'm just standing here looking into a fogged mirror, talking to you in my head because it's the only way I can lately.

I'm so tired and I ache all over - the last mission was, well, exhausting is the best way to describe it - and I don't think I have the energy to drive home tonight. I'm drained, not just physically, but emotionally as well.

I miss you.

Wait, I said that already, didn't I? It's true, though, and the worst thing is you don't notice. I don't think you'll ever notice, not with the way things are going.

It feels like I've been dumped. I know we were never dating or anything like that but we had a relationship that was kind of special. To be honest, for a long time there you were my only friend: the one person who knew me and certainly the only one who bothered to look out for me. I can still remember your smile from the early days, a mixture of exasperation and affection. You had a way of making me feel wanted in the SG program even when no one else did.

I guess that's why I feel so lost now. You and Sam, you're so wrapped up in your little world that you don't notice anyone else. Which leaves me kind of stranded.

Oh, I know there's Teal'c, but I don't think he's ever going to be best friend material. I respect him and I would do almost anything for him, but he has a warrior mentality that only you understand. He's not the type to sit back and relax and I certainly can't see myself going fishing with Teal'c for a week. I know he'd end up staring at the water thinking about the futility of the exercise: it would be written all over his face. Not exactly relaxing, is it.

So...I can hear your response...what about Janet? Sure, she's a friend, but it's a work friendship. She's my doctor. She knows more about my body than anyone else and that's a little unsettling, if you know what I mean. Of course you do. Even though we're worlds apart there are some things we see eye-to-eye on, the things that really matter.

Well, we used to anyway. Now it seems like you'd be quite happy to watch me accidentally get killed so I won't be in your way anymore. Or better still, blow me up yourself to save others who are far more important. Of course they're more important even if you hardly know them. Everyone's more important than me lately. To be honest, I haven't felt this insecure in years, knowing that you'd easily leave me behind if the mission demanded it.

Less guilt, is that what it's about, Jack? God knows you're probably feeling worried enough already about the inappropriateness of your relationship with Sam. Or maybe you haven't even noticed. Everyone sees it, Jack, the way you two have looked at each other for a while now and part of me is happy for you, but I just wish...I just wish....

I know she's your new best friend. I know you don't need me anymore. But it would be nice if you'd just notice me once in a while. Say hi, maybe spend some time off base together like we used to. Because the only attention I seem to get lately is when you want to disagree with me and to be honest, they seem like the most inane reasons to fight.

Do you like fighting, Jack? Is it your way of distancing yourself from me? Or maybe it's just to keep me and Teal'c far away from you and your new best friend.

I'm sorry. I'm being cruel to Sam - I mean, she was one of my closest friends until lately when she got wrapped up in you. At least she still speaks to me civilly instead of barking orders at me. God, Jack, what is with you lately?

I wish you'd talk to me. Maybe we can fix up this thing we used to have, this thing called friendship, when I was a person instead of an annoying member of your team. Then again, maybe you're just not interested and I think that knowledge hurts most of all.

I lean forward and trace a sad face in the steamed mirror. It's a little melodramatic, I know, but I can't keep everything bottled up and maybe all you need is one little hint. As if on cue, you walk in.

"Daniel," you nod, and then continue straight past. You didn't even notice. There was a time when you would instantly know when something was wrong and drag it out of me. I remember the time after Sha're died and you let me lean on your shoulder, me trying not to cry while you told me it was okay. You cared, Jack, but I don't think you do anymore.

Now you dash back past again and there's a smile on your face and I just know you're going to see Sam. Go, Jack. Have fun.

Not much else to say, is there, except for goodbye.

End.

Next: Missing You Too