Teal'c's Diary
by kijo
URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ask/kijo/tealcsdi.php
Summary: Companion to Anais Nin's wonderful 'Dr. Jackson's Diary'.(http://versaphile.com/anais/January.shtml)
Teal’c’s Diary
(translated from the Goa’uld)
(by Dr. Daniel Jackson)
(please don’t tell anyone, he would kill me)
(but it was *right* *there* underneath his bed)
(well, in a box…under some old papers…wrapped in duct tape…sealed with an alien device (v. interesting))
(and can you honestly expect an archaeologist not to dig through your stuff?)
(I mean, did Howard Carter stop and say, ‘well, maybe Lord Tutankhamen *wants* to be left alone??)
(Anyway--in the interest of deeper human/alien understanding--here it is: Teal’c’s Diary.)
Monday January 1st
An exceptionally good start to the year. New Year’s Party proved perfect opportunity to get to know a certain US Air Force officer better. Colonel O’Neill and DanielJackson were consuming aqueous poisons, attempting to harmonize with a vocal output machine, and unaware as I zeroed in on my target. That soft blonde hair, that radiant skin, that confident trigger finger!
The Major in Question, after several rounds of her own refreshment, admitted to being “Jaffa curious”. I explained that on Chulak we dealt with temptation by removing it (leaving out that this was usually done by execution). I suggested that as this curiosity was a temptation, it would be best to satisfy it with accurate knowledge. Several rebuttals to this argument were made, which appeared to diminish with her level of imbibement, and the cause of scientific advancement proceeded.
After we completed our, umm, studies, she shared with me the Tau’ri custom of making New Year’s Resolutions. I will record mine below:
1. I will not worship any false gods.
2. I will not let Junior come out to have a look around, even if I like to see O’Neill turn green.
3. I will learn to use contractions.
4. I will stop pretending that I do not need to sleep. I am tired of waiting for everyone else to go to bed first.
5. I will not agonize about being nearly 100.
6. I will not allow myself to be mutated, brainwashed, stuck in an energy buffer, or copied onto a robot double.
7. I will stop pretending that I do not understand the ways of Earth, when I simply find them embarrassing, stupid, or tedious.
8. I will not keep my keys or ID card in Junior’s pouch. The risk of infection is too high.
9. I will explain the proper use of a glottal stop. I will re-notify the US Military that the correct punctuation for my name is Teal:c, and I will have every single document with the improper usage changed, or die trying.
10. I will not bow to the base 10 system. The true cycle of numbers lies in multiples of 12.
Major Carter has left for DanielJackson’s apartment. It is nearly 11, and yet she feels certain they will not have missed her presence. Have learned new tune which the Major was humming—“It’s Raining Men.” I may perform this at the next ‘karaoke’ party, as this song seems to please her.
Tuesday 2nd January
Major Carter has been gone all day. I was initially pleased, as pretending to need no sleep on the last four missions has left me extremely tired. Then I remembered that Sgt. Siler was at DanielJackson’s home. If I snap his neck, can I pretend that a Goa’uld has done it?
Wednesday 3rd Jan
Colonel O’Neill entered conference room early, catching Major Carter and I in a dangerously close position. He eyed us suspiciously, and I do not believe that he accepted that she was checking my symbiote’s naquadah level. While his scientific acumen is somewhere below the Prim’tah, even he seemed to doubt that a new oral test has been developed for the substance.
The Colonel attempted to communicate his surprise to DanielJackson, who had entered the meeting late. The archaeologist, however, appeared not to understand, which I deduced from his frequent mouthing of the word, “WHAT?”
Thursday Jan 4th
Spent rapturous day with C. Suspect that Colonel O’Neill may be on to us. He insisted that we come to the gym to work out this evening, most likely to test whether we were strangely fatigued.
Despite rapturous day with C, was able to comply. Major’s endurance level appears high indeed.
Would not undertake long boat journey with DanielJackson, however.
Friday 5th Jan
Ate fish.
Saturday 6th Jan
Claimed today was “Misquidah”, the holy day of rest and contemplation. Left gym and went back to bed.
Sunday 7th Jan
Informed O’Neill that “Misquidah” ends at sundown on Sunday. He appeared suspicious, especially when C. offered to help with the prayer preparations.
It is difficult to get a weekend off around here.
Am considering converting to Judaism. Nobody knows when their holidays are anyway.
Monday 8th Jan
Work as usual. Hit ramp on way back. CO in infirmary. Nearly died in magma flow. Believe I was safer with Apophis.
Tuesday 9th Jan
Major Carter and I were deep in the middle of our new, hmm, studies, when DanielJackson knocked on the door, requiring her to hide in my service locker. The archaeologist appears to believe that the lit candles are used in some form of meditation ceremony. Fortunately, he did not notice the full bathtub, or the “Romance is in the Air” incense sticks. Agreed to inform Major Carter, if I saw her, of needed UAV survey on P45-234.
Must requisition more candles.
Wednesday 10th Jan
Heading out for P45-234 this afternoon at 1300 hours. Plan to lock diary in Goa’uld device and bury it in old papers underneath my bed. Surely no one will look there.
Saturday 13th Jan
An absolutely dreadful day. Major C. womanhandled in the most appalling way, by a pack of warrior females. She was abducted, and subjected to some form of nightlong feasting and fancy-dress ritual.
Her smile hides great pain, I expect.
Sunday 14th Jan
Major C. still unable to speak of her ordeal with me. I believe she will recover, however. She has spent many hours already today discussing her tribulation with Dr. Frazier, in private.
1900 – Apparently, C. must continue this discussion with the doctor at her home.
Monday 15th Jan
0600 - Not back yet.
1100 – Not back yet.
1300 – Not back yet.
Wednesday 17th Jan
O’Neill is flirting with Major C. I will give this 24 hours and then I will challenge him to single armed combat.
Thursday 18th Jan
O’Neill now flirting with DanielJackson. His life is spared, and I believe he will never know the danger he was in.
I believe this may be the case with a great many of the dangers he has faced.
Friday 19th Jan
An immensely strange mission.
Saturday 20th Jan
DanielJackson is apparently now telepathic. I far preferred him invisible, ascended, descended, evil, etc. Plan to stay away from him until he is fixed.
Have informed Sgt Siler that if he so much as looks at Major C. again, I will crush his testicles to the consistency of raspberry yoghurt.
Sunday 21st Jan
Returned to planet to find cure for DanielJackson’s telepathy. Nearly killed by Colonel O’Neill’s negotiating skills.
I feel I must state for the record that there are Goa’ulds with better negotiating skills. Psychotic Goa’ulds. Psychotic, sarcophagus-withdrawing Goa’ulds.
Situation proceeded from bad to worse. Natives clamored for blood. Major C. advanced the opinion that our Colonel O’Neill could turn a parking ticket into a death sentence. SG-1, minus DanielJackson, voted 2-1 to allow Major C. to resume the negotiations.
Returned alive from planet. O’Neill, however, is now also telepathic. Recited Goa’uld alphabet twenty-thousand times in a row, not stopping until we dropped him off with Dr. Frazier.
Monday 22nd Jan
O’Neill is now stuck in infirmary with DanielJackson. Life is good.
Wednesday 24th Jan
O’Neill and DanielJackson are back.
Thursday 25th Jan
O’Neill and DanielJackson have become insane, according to the psychiatrist. I find their behavior unchanged from usual. Am uncertain as to what this means.
Friday 26th Jan
C. off-base carousing with O’Neill and DanielJackson. Have been left in my room. Have found website called match.com and am uploading profiles of them, with ‘interesting’ personal preference.
Have included correct phone numbers.
Sat 27th Jan
Entire team, myself excluded, is groaning from the aftereffects of alcohol poisoning.
Sunday 28th Jan
Major C. is panicked. Feels she may have released too much information to O’Neill about our situation while she was inebriated. She has decided to mix baking materials together, in an attempt to throw him off-track. This appears to be connected to his birthday, but the exact relationship is unclear. If everyone on the base contracted an illness that made them insane, would I know it?
Tuesday 30th Jan
Jack’s Birthday
Performance reviews today. Good ones from O’Neill and Hammond, but the best came later. Major C. ‘reviewed’ my performance this month, when we were alone. She suggested ongoing evaluation. I am pleased. I certainly plan to keep my standards up!
Wednesday 31st Jan
Alcohol units so far this month for SG-1: 3095.
Believe that this level of intake could kill a symbiote. May have discovered happy new cure for Goa’uld infestation.
Team is going out to Irish Pub to celebrate (myself included!).
