Courtship Ritual 2

Pulling Back

by Kylie Lee

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ask/klee/critual02.php
Summary: Beckett and Halling try to play it cool

Halling moaned, his hands pulling at the bedclothes, and spread his legs wider. Carson felt Halling's heat through the hot flesh in his mouth, through his body, centering at his core. He remembered his orgasm, an explosion of sensation mixed with Halling's scent and taste, when he had only wanted Halling to take him. He had never understood what taking meant until now, that sense of letting the other have complete power in the most intimate way possible. Now, he tried to communicate that to Halling, to tell him without words how he felt, how Halling had made him feel when he had driven Carson over the edge, because only now could they speak to each other clearly, without culture clash getting in the way. He wanted to drive Halling to understanding with every dip of his head, every swirl of his tongue, every push of his slick fingers into Halling's warmth.

He felt Halling squeeze his fingers hard as his hips raised. His hands wrapped in cloth and pulled. "Carson," Halling said, excitement mixed with inevitability, and Carson felt Halling flutter around his fingers, and then Halling broke. Salt liquid inundated his mouth, and Carson stroked Halling with his tongue, feeling Halling's pleasure, feeling each throb of Halling's cock, stretching it out until Halling's choked cries quieted, his body relaxed, his hips lowered, and his hands released the bedclothes. "Carson," Halling said again, but this time it wasn't a warning. Carson lifted his head and slid his fingers out. He rubbed gently until Halling sighed and shifted.

"Here," Carson said, and Halling lifted his hips so Carson could slide the pillow out. Halling took the pillow and placed it behind him so he could sit up comfortably. His hair swung free, brushing his shoulders. The plaits that usually kept it held back had come partially undone.

"Touch me," Halling commanded. "My heart still races. See?"

Carson smiled as Halling put Carson's hand to his neck. He felt Halling's pulse jumping, even as Halling relaxed. Even when he was tranquil, Halling still loomed. He was a tall man and had a kind of physical presence that made him seem even bigger. When he walked down a crowded hallway, somehow, his way was always clear. Carson had seen him scatter some recalcitrant boys merely by walking toward them while frowning. One thing Carson loved about Halling was how Halling opened to him, allowing Carson to reduce that power to quivering need.

"It's a good thing you're strong and healthy, or I'd worry at such a quick heart rate," Carson said. He slid his hand down Halling's shoulder and settled his hand on his biceps. "Very strong."

"Ah, you flatter me."

"Aye, to convince you to stay so we can do that again. Has it worked?"

"I have always been vain," Halling admitted. "And your words are persuasive. I will think about it. Here." He tucked Carson between his legs, so Carson's back rested against his chest. "Mmm." Carson felt Halling's beard scratch his shoulder, and a moment later, Halling's mouth enveloped his ear. He turned his head to grant Halling access. It felt wonderfully intimate, to be held and nuzzled and kissed. "Your scent," Halling whispered, and licked again.

Carson leaned back into the circle of Halling's arms. He was fairly tall himself, and he'd rarely had the opportunity to be the smaller one. He liked it, just as he liked Halling's desire to touch, to be close. "You enjoyed that," he said, making it a statement instead of a question. Halling didn't like to tell Carson what he wanted. Carson didn't mind experimenting, but he had to admit that it bothered him that Halling didn't like to speak his desires out loud. Halling had told Carson that he hadn't been with anyone since his wife's death, but Carson didn't know how long ago that had been, or whether Halling had been with a man before.

"Your fingers inside me? Yes, very much," Halling said. "Is that something you yourself like?"

"Absolutely," Carson said, seizing his opening. "Fingers, or something bigger."

Halling stroked Carson's chest, then reached lower to touch the sticky liquid on Carson's stomach. "Surely I am too big."

"You'd be surprised." When Halling didn't respond, Carson added, "I wouldn't ask you to do anything that made you uncomfortable."

"Nothing you could ask could be inappropriate," Halling said. "It gives me joy to see you take joy in my touch. As you did tonight. Here is proof."

He dabbed semen on Carson's lower lip, then leaned around. Carson half-turned so they could kiss, and he and Halling shared the taste. The overt sensuality of it took his breath away. "How long can you stay?" he asked.

"Several more hours," Halling said. "Long enough." They shared another kiss, and Carson settled back against Halling's chest, Halling idly stroking him. "I have spoken with Wex's parents." Wex was Halling's son's Jinto's best friend. "They have agreed to keep Jinto with them on Wednesday nights, if I can reciprocate by having Wex on Saturdays."

"Wednesdays," Carson said. "I think I can arrange to be free every Wednesday night."

"Good."

"It helps that I'm in charge of arranging the on-call schedule." Carson had no compunction about such a misuse of his power. "But of course, that won't stop people from visiting their favorite doctor in the middle of the night if they feel ill."

"Perhaps we should find another room? Atlantis is large." Halling indicated Carson's earpiece, deactivated and sitting on a nearby table. "You can always be reached."

"Yes," Carson said, mulling it over. "Yes, I like that idea. And it will be safer for you to come and go, without being seen in personnel quarters. Can you do reconnaissance?"

"Choose a room? Yes. Jinto and I can go exploring together."

"Have you spoken with Jinto--?" Carson asked tentatively.

"No," Halling said.

"Ah," said Carson, simultaneously relieved and guilty to be relieved.

"What we share is too new," Halling explained. "Were I to bring my lover to Jinto, it would be to live as a family."

"It's all right." Carson cut in quickly, before Halling could continue. Somehow, any vision he had of he and Halling didn't involve Jinto. But of course that was not the case with Halling. Carson couldn't imagine living with both of them, sharing a bedroom with Halling, behaving like a married couple. It seemed wrong and odd. "We should--we should clean up," he said, aware that the silence had gone on a little too long.

"A fine idea," Halling agreed, but neither of them moved. "Perhaps if you brought a cloth--?" he hinted.

"A fine idea," Carson said, gently stroking Halling's hand. He was just about to suggest that Halling fetch the cloth when someone knocked on the door. "Oh, hell. Someone is probably ill." He slid out of bed and reached for his pajama bottoms. "Get yourself in the loo," he ordered. "Don't forget your clothes." As Halling disappeared into the bathroom, Carson pulled on a robe and hastily straightened the bed. The knocking came again, louder and more insistent, and Carson hurried to the door.

"Dr. Beckett," Teyla Emmagan said breathlessly. "I am so sorry to disturb you."

"Is everything all right?" Carson asked, tightening the soft tie of his robe.

"Is Halling here? I need to speak with him."

"Of course." Teyla was, as far as Carson knew, the only one who knew about Halling and Carson. "You'd best come in." As the door slid closed behind Teyla, Carson entered the bathroom, where Halling was pulling on his trousers. "Teyla would like to see you."

"Jinto?" Halling asked immediately.

That had been Carson's thought too. "I didn't ask." As Halling did his trousers up, Carson wet a cloth and dabbed at Halling's stomach and chest. "There. You're presentable." As Halling headed for the door, he tossed Halling his shirt, which Halling caught out of midair. "Go. I'll stay in here, so you can have your privacy."

Halling, looking magnificent with bare chest and mussed hair, nodded, clearly worried and preoccupied. Carson closed the door and cleaned up as best he could. He didn't have any clothes in the bathroom, so he retied his robe and leaned against the wall. He didn't have to ponder the bathroom long: Halling opened the door and gestured him out. Teyla stood serenely near the door, and Carson became uncomfortably aware of his clothes strewn around the room, the disordered bed. Of course she knew what they were up to, but to look at the room, to see the two of them together--it was just so...obvious.

"Jinto is fine," Halling said, before Carson could ask. "He is concerned--he could not find me when he went looking."

"He came to see me," Teyla put in. "I brought him to Wex's and said I knew where you were, that I would find you."

"I should go to him, take him back to our room for the rest of the night," Halling said.

"What are you going to tell him?" Carson asked.

"That where I go is not his business," Halling said.

Carson hadn't expected that. "Oh," he said, cheered.

"He cannot roam the station as he pleases," Halling continued. "It is not safe, as he should know." Jinto had gotten lost a few weeks earlier, causing much worry and panic. "I'm sorry, Carson, but I must go. I'm sorry our night together has been ruined."

"Don't be daft," Carson said. "See to your son."

Halling stepped close to Carson, put his hands on Carson's head, and placed his forehead against Carson's. It took every fiber of Carson's will not to flinch or step back, because they had an audience. Instead, he completed the Athosian gesture by taking Halling's head in both his hands. They stayed that way for a long few moments, and then Halling bent to kiss him on the lips. He thought he could feel Teyla's eyes drilling into his back, but when they pulled apart, a quick glance revealed that she was studying the floor. Halling caressed his face. Despite Halling's tenderness, Carson could feel concern radiating from him. His mind was already on his son. Teyla gave Carson her polite smile as Halling courteously opened the door for her and followed her out.

Before he went to bed, Carson cleaned up his room, took a quick shower, and changed the bedclothes, erasing all traces of Halling's presence, of he and Halling's lovemaking.

***

"Hey, Doc, what are you doing here?"

Carson raised his doctor's bag. "Just a bystander, Major," he told John Sheppard.

John quirked an eyebrow. "A bystander with a black bag," he said. "Expecting injuries?"

"Yes. It's my job." Carson set his bag down. He took in the rabble of Athosian children in the center of the room, all of them speaking too loudly. "School for the wee laddies is a bit different for the Athosians than at home, yes?"

"Wee laddies?" John repeated. "Do you really talk like that in Scotland, or are you putting it on?"

"We really talk like that in Scotland, particularly when tourists are about," Carson said. "What are you doing here, then?"

"Oh, just observing."

Carson turned when someone came through the door. It was Halling, hair pulled back into a ponytail. He wore a sleeveless vest, the deep V in front carelessly tied, revealing an expanse of chest. He flashed a smile at Carson and headed right for him, and Carson's heart started pounding. They were in public. He suddenly felt like he had when Teyla had stood in his bedroom two nights ago and watched them kiss: Halling was so transparent, so willing to touch in public, so patently happy to see him, that it had to be incredibly obvious that he and Halling were sleeping together.

"Carson!" Halling said, taking Carson's head in his hands. Halling knew better than to kiss him, but his forehead touch lasted a little too long, even though Carson tried to cue him by pulling back, and the smile he gave Carson was, to Carson's mind, overtly sensual. Carson, incredibly aware of John by his side, tried for a smile simultaneously welcoming and dismissive. Halling didn't seem aware of Carson's telegraphed message or his discomfort. "It is good to see you, as always. And Major." He turned to John, who, clearly fearful of a similar greeting, took a step back.

"Great to see you, Halling," John said, just as Jinto yelled, "Father!" Halling settled for a quick head nod and a polite "Major." As Jinto tugged Halling aside, John leaned toward Carson. "Saved! But that was some hello."

"Oh, you know the Athosians," Carson said. "Over the top."

"Yeah," John said dubiously.

"I don't see you complaining when Teyla does that to you."

John shrugged. "Who would?"

"Boys!" Halling called. "Your attention!"

"Boys only?" John whispered to Carson.

"Teyla's teaching the girls," Carson said.

Carson leaned against the wall, arms crossed, watching Halling as he arranged the boys into teams of three or four, roughly based on size and weight, and the sparring practice began. Another Athosian man, Len, acted as Halling's helper. The two would demonstrate a move a few times and then would wander around, offering advice and words of encouragement, checking form, and helping children to their feet. Carson found himself fascinated as Len and Halling wrestled: they would grab each other in a lock, struggle, and then one or the other would end up on the floor, the other man on top of him as they both panted. Len, who was barely twenty, didn't interest Carson: his attention was riveted on Halling, on the way Halling moved, on Halling's ass in those tight pants, on the play of Halling's muscles as they flexed. When Halling held Len down, one arm to Len's throat, knee on Len's chest, Carson could image that Halling held him down instead, and that the heavy weight of Halling atop him presaged something not that different from fighting. He knew, technically, that Halling, as a kind of soldier of his people, had fought and killed, but Carson found it difficult to reconcile with Halling's gentleness. Now he saw that Halling could, if he pleased, overwhelm him with force. Carson found the idea strangely appealing.

"Halling's pretty good," John said critically.

Carson pulled his eyes from Halling's rippling arms. "No doubt that's why he's the teacher."

John indicated Halling. "You like his moves?"

"I suppose," Carson said cautiously.

"You've been watching him."

"Have I?"

"You have. And you're uncharacteristically quiet. Getting tips for fighting the Wraith?"

"I don't want to fight," Carson said. "I'm a doctor. We sweep up after you soldiers."

John shrugged. "You could have fooled me. But now that I think about it, little hand-to-hand workshop for the nonmilitary staff might be a good thing. I'll bet Halling and Len would agree to help teach it."

Carson pushed aside the disturbingly erotic thought of wrestling Halling in front of an audience. "If you arrange such a workshop, I'll stand by with my little black bag," he said.

"Nope," John said. "You'll be front and center, fighting with everyone else."

"Really, Major, I haven't the knack."

"There's no knack. It's just drill. Over and over again, until it's automatic." John cocked his head as Halling helped Len up and the boys began working the move. "I'll talk with Dr. Weir, set something up. Oh, ouch."

The last was said in response to a wild blow, and a boy went down. Len jogged over. Carson grabbed his bag, ready to join Len, when the boy sat up, holding his nose. He nodded at something Len told him, got to his feet, and came over to Carson.

"Ah, what have we?" Carson asked. "Here, boy." He knelt, automatically pulling on gloves, and gently touched the boy's nose. "It's not broken," he said to his patient. "But you'll have a fine black eye in a few hours. Major, in my bag, if you could just unwrap that little packet--aye, that one. Thank you. Sorry, my fingers are bloody." He took the sterile gauze pad from John and dabbed at the boy's nose. "Sit here, lad, and put your head back. Good. Breathe through your mouth. And push hard here, to stop the bleeding." Carson stood by with a clean gauze pad, and when the old one was soaked, he swapped it out, putting the bloody one in a plastic biohazard container.

Halling came over a few minutes later to check on his charge. Under John's watchful eye, Halling conferred with both the boy and Carson, decided that there was no serious or permanent damage, and went back to the drills. The bleeding had stopped by the time class was over about ten minutes later.

"I need to bring him to the infirmary and get something cold to put on his eye," Carson, cheered that he'd had only one patient, told Halling as he packed up his bag.

"I'll come along," Halling said.

"It's not necessary," Carson said. He felt, perversely, that he didn't want Halling with him, because when they were together, the pull between them was strong and obvious.

"He's in my care."

Carson gave in. "Can you find his mother and join us there?"

"I'm fine," the boy said quickly, a little alarmed, Carson thought, at the thought of what embarrassing things his mother might say or do.

"Of course you are," Carson said as Halling left. "Come now."

"That was exciting," John commented, falling in behind Carson and the boy.

"Wasn't it?" Carson said.

"Do you need me to play nurse any more?" John asked. "Because if you've got it under control..."

"It's fine," Carson assured him, taking his bag from John. "You were most helpful."

"Thank you."

"And it struck me that I should probably run some field medicine workshops for the nonmedical staff," Carson said.

"We're not very sympathetic," John said. "It comes with the job. We'd rather shoot than clean up afterward."

"It's just drill," Carson said, steering the boy around a corner.

"Very funny. Bye, Doc."

By the time Halling showed up at the infirmary, Jinto and the injured boy's mother in tow, Carson had found a squishy cold pack, wrapped it in a cloth, and told the boy to hold it in place. The boy seemed relieved when his mother didn't get upset or angry. Instead, she listened to the brief instructions Carson gave her and promised to return the cold pack.

"Thank you for your help, Doctor," Halling said as she led her son out.

"That's what I was there for," Carson said.

"Will you be joining us at our table for dinner again tonight?" Halling asked.

Carson hesitated. John had noticed him watching Halling. It would probably be better not to eat with Halling for practically every meal, for all that others joined them. "Sorry, not tonight," he said. "Some other time."

Halling's eyes searched Carson's face. "Of course," he said. "Jinto, put that down. Thank you. Say goodbye to Dr. Beckett."

"Goodbye," Jinto said obediently, setting down a box of tissues.

"Bye, Jinto." Carson put his hand briefly on Jinto's head. Just looking at Halling, still in his scanty workout gear, made him warm inside. Apparently he couldn't keep his eyes off Halling. He hadn't been aware that he watched or stared, but John had noticed. He was as obvious as he thought Halling was. "Halling."

Halling left without attempting to make the Athosian gesture of affection. Carson was both relieved and disappointed.

***

Dinner had been awful. They'd taken to eating communally in two shifts, Athosians together with humans. People with children tended to eat at the first dinner shift so their children could go to bed earlier, and soldiers tended to eat during the second shift, but there was always a nice mix of people. Carson had sat at a table with Teyla and two Athosian women he knew slightly. One had flirted outrageously with him. He'd been pleased when John and Aidan Ford joined them. He'd been aware of Halling and Jinto at a nearby table, eating with friends. He couldn't help glancing at Halling, whose hair was still in its ponytail, although he'd changed into a long-sleeved shirt. Then John had accused him of being distracted, and Carson was afraid John had caught him sneaking peeks at Halling, so to throw him off the scent, he'd flirted with the Athosian woman who'd been flirting with him.

He'd gone right to the infirmary after dinner because he didn't feel like talking to anybody. He could use the time to catch up on patient files. The infirmary, mostly empty at this hour, had only a few people on duty. Carson settled into work, entering patient data into a computer. He worked automatically; what he thought about was Halling. He felt like his attraction to Halling was getting out of hand, and then he felt guilty for feeling that way. He'd probably offended Halling by turning down his dinner invitation, even though Halling had, as usual, been polite about it. But what had he been thinking all those weeks ago, when Halling came to his room and basically seduced him? He'd known, even then, that Halling wasn't one-night-stand material. Halling was play-for-keeps material. If he hadn't wanted to end up right where he was now, with a regular lover and a schedule to meet with him, then he should have said no. But he hadn't, because he liked Halling, because he was attracted to him, and simultaneous like and attraction was rare indeed.

When he was done, he shut the computer down, stretched, and said goodbye to the nurses on the night shift. As he entered the corridor right outside the infirmary, he wasn't surprised, somehow, to see the subject of his thoughts waiting for him.

"Doctor," Halling said, taking a tentative step forward.

"Halling." The empty corridor meant that he could imbue the word with affection, but he didn't.

"You weren't in your room," Halling said after a second.

"No, I was getting caught up on work."

"I've offended you."

"No. Oh--Halling, no." He indicated a hallway. "This way." Halling followed him on a brief, winding path to a small room used for storage. "We can have some privacy here. Halling, you haven't offended me."

"You pull back. You don't wish me to touch you in public."

"I can't help it," Carson said. "Major Sheppard caught me staring at you today when you were sparring. We eat together all the time, and I'm sure he's noticed that too. You always do the--the forehead thing when we meet. I'm not ready for Major Sheppard, or anyone, to know...this about me."

"Because you are ashamed and embarrassed?"

"Yes," Carson said steadily.

Halling looked at him.

"Not of you," Carson said. "Of wanting a man. Of being with a man."

"Because this is unacceptable in your culture."

"Yes."

"I too have been...uncomfortable lately," Halling confessed. "Jinto is aware that something is going on that I will not discuss with him."

"And you don't want him to know."

"No."

The silence stretched. Then Carson said, "Ah, we want the same thing, for different reasons."

"It grows harder and harder, to hide how I feel," Halling said. "Because how I feel grows larger and larger."

Carson reached for Halling's head as Halling reached for his. It felt right, their foreheads pressed together, Halling's hands warm against his face.

"What I have with you must not destroy the trust I have with my son," Halling said. "He must come first. And by doing so, I feel I betray you."

"No," Carson said. "Your son must always come first. I understand that."

"Yet I break against you, and my heart feels as though it will burst," Halling whispered. "I break, and I break, and I want you more each time. I thought I could never love anyone more than my son. But if we continue--I am not so sure."

"Do we--" Carson drew his head back so he could look at Halling. He knew how Halling felt. If they kept doing this, they would fall deeply, irretrievably, in love. "Do we need to stop?"

"Yes," Halling said. "But we won't." He leaned in, lips scant centimeters from Carson's. "Because we can't." He kissed Carson. "I have less than an hour," he said.

Carson tugged at the band that held Halling's ponytail. "Take your hair down," he said. He wanted to feel it against his hands, as he wanted to feel the roughness of Halling's beard against his skin.

It was fast and desperate, their bodies straining together, then pulling apart to undo clothes, to reach under them. Carson pushed Halling against the wall and knelt, Halling's cock long and stiff in his mouth, and when Halling broke, he said Carson's name, as Carson said Halling's when, on his back, pants around his ankles, hands digging into Halling's hair, Halling's tongue swirling against Carson's rigid, inflamed cock, he came so hard that he didn't know where Halling's mouth left off and he began.

And then Halling tied his hair back up, adjusted his clothes, kissed Carson goodbye, and left to be with his son, once again the perfect Athosian father, leaving Carson, spent and panting, on the floor of a storage closet. When he got cold, about ten minutes later, Carson pulled his uniform back on and sat trembling from the aftershocks of his orgasm. He could smell the scent of Halling's hair and skin on his hands.

He walked back to his room and spent the night alone.

Next: Marked