Courtship Ritual 4

Speaking In Other Ways

by Kylie Lee

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ask/klee/critual04.php
Summary: The Athosians are getting ready for their move to the mainland, but Halling won't talk to Beckett

Teyla Emmagan seated herself in her customary spot in the conference room. Although she had thought herself right on time, Elizabeth Weir, who ran the meetings and who sat at the head as if she were the honored guest rather than the hostess, had not yet arrived. She exchanged murmured greetings with those already there. Halling was seated across from her. He'd been to meetings before, and his counsel had been sought, but today, he sat as a leader of a mission. It pleased Teyla that her recommendation had been honored and that Halling had not only been selected for the job, but had been granted true power and autonomy.

"Hey, Teyla," John Sheppard said. He dropped into the chair next to her. "Full house today, huh?"

"Particularly for an expedition this side of the Stargate," Teyla responded.

"Well, a big day for the Athosians, anyway. Speaking of which--how did your meeting go yesterday?"

"It was...interesting." Teyla had met with a council of leaders and elders.

"Interesting good, or interesting bad?"

Teyla did not want to mention that she herself had been the topic of heated debate. "Interesting interesting."

"Well, you'll have to tell me all about it after this." Major Sheppard twisted when Elizabeth Weir, Carson Beckett right behind her, came into the room. "Oh, here she is."

"Let's get started," Dr. Weir said, setting her notes down. She activated the control that slid the doors shut, and the quiet talking and shuffling ceased. "Thanks for coming. This meeting is to discuss the creation of an Athosian settlement on the mainland." As Dr. Weir, still standing, launched into introductory remarks, Teyla, out of the corner of her eye, watched Dr. Beckett walk around the table to an empty seat by Halling. Halling's face betrayed nothing but politeness, but Teyla saw Dr. Beckett bump against him as he sat, and Halling brushed Dr. Beckett's arm with his hand. Dr. Beckett leaned over and said something softly, making Halling smile, and for a instant, as they let their guards drop, Teyla saw a flash of the thing they had between them, the thing that they tried to hide when others were around.

"Major Sheppard?" Dr. Weir said, and Teyla turned her attention back to the meeting. Dr. Weir finally sat down.

"We did some aerial surveys, and preliminary results indicate that the area was probably used as a settlement before," Major Sheppard said. "In addition to access to fresh water in a nearby lake, we found a couple wells that are now filled in. It'll just take some manpower to redig them. We found some evidence that structures used to be there, but there's nothing physical--no walls or basements or anything like that for us to build on top of."

"How long by jumper?" Dr. Weir put in.

"Maybe a half hour. Halling and I took a tour a couple days ago and did an on-ground survey. We left some motion-sensitive cameras there, to record animal life, make sure nothing hostile is out there. I pulled the tape today, and it looks quiet--mostly birds, some small mammals, nothing bigger than a raccoon. We took some soil and water samples. Halling walked the area we had in mind. It looked good. We picked a winner this time."

Dr. Weir turned. "Dr. Beckett? The results of the soil and water analysis?"

"Very promising indeed," Dr. Beckett said, his r's rolling in that way Teyla liked. "No harmful parasites in the water, but I'm still advising it be boiled. Better safe than sorry. Soil culture grew no harmful bacteria or fungus, but I'd advise that, particularly for the first few months of settlement, that everyone, especially children, wear shoes. The analysis of the soil's nutrients shows that it should grow the seed stock we brought from Earth. In fact, there's an interesting nitrogen-fixing microorganism that Dr. Snyder is very keen to study."

"So you'd say the site looks good, with some basic precautions," Dr. Weir summarized.

Dr. Beckett nodded. "Aye, I would say that," he said. "We can reassess the precautions in a few months' time."

"Very good. Halling?"

Halling, who had been to a few meetings before, had clearly grown accustomed to the focused way that the people from Earth did business, because he cut right to the chase. "The site should be acceptable to Athosians," he said. He didn't mention it, but Teyla knew that he meant that it would be possible to situate first tents, then buildings, in felicitous arrangements--arrangements based on principles that people from Earth would consider superstitious, although Teyla was convinced that these traditions had a truth underneath them, perhaps related to the Wraith. "I have created a proposal to make the move in shifts. A small team with equipment and seed stock will precede about half of the adult Athosians. Children and their caretakers will come last, so that shelter can be built first." Halling pushed some papers toward Dr. Weir. "Major Sheppard was kind enough to help me compose this for your review."

"It's a good plan," Major Sheppard put in. "The first wave will be the expedition team plus Halling and six other Athosians. Halling has sketched out what will go where. Dr. Beckett, looks like it's you and me on shuttle duty."

"Ah, good," Dr. Beckett said, without enthusiasm. Flying made him nervous.

"Halling will be on the ground, directing, and everyone reports to him," Major Sheppard continued. When Halling tried to speak, he held his hands up to stop him. "Halling, we've been through this. You don't need to do the heavy lifting. You're much more valuable as an organizer. And Lieutenant Ford is in charge of the loading crews here."

"Hey, thanks, sir," Lieutenant Ford said, also without enthusiasm.

Dr. Weir, who had been scanning the pages while Major Sheppard spoke, nodded. "This is fine. Thank you, Halling. Major Sheppard, please handle the assignments for all Earth personnel. Halling, I'll leave the Athosians to you. Let's start tomorrow." She folded her hands and looked first at Teyla, then at Halling, with the total attention that was her way, the attention that made Teyla feel, just for that moment, like she was the only one who existed for Dr. Weir, that the two of them had some kind of important connection. "I know I speak for everyone when I tell you how much I've appreciated your help and counsel. I wish I could convince you to stay with us, but our need for food, as well as the Athosians's own desire, conspire otherwise. Please know that you have our heartfelt gratitude and our full support."

"Thank you," Teyla said, as Halling said, "That is very kindly said."

Dr. Weir nodded. "Adjourned," she said, and everybody stood up. "Teyla, a word," she added, under cover of the babble of voices, and Teyla let herself be tugged to the side. "Do you want to go with the rest of the Athosians?" Dr. Weir asked. "Please forgive me for being so direct. We don't want to lose you, but of course we release you if you must go."

Teyla had thought long and hard about it. As the Athosians's leader, she should be with them, but her sense of duty had changed over the past few months. "Of course I want to go with them. They are my family," Teyla said. "But my place is here, with you." She chose her words carefully. "I feel strongly that I have a purpose with you, perhaps something to do with the Wraith. The Athosians have much to offer, with our knowledge of this side of the Stargate, and I am their representative in our mutual endeavor, as well as in our battle against the Wraith."

"We value that partnership," Dr. Weir said. "Thank you for your reassurance."

Teyla inclined her head in acknowledgment, keeping her face polite. Dr. Weir was a negotiator. She expressed appreciation and said all the right things, but sometimes her actions did not match her words. Teyla had suffered insults at Dr. Weir's hands but had withstood them, because the people from Earth didn't know better, and because the Athosians had not yet earned their trust. It did no harm to humble herself, especially if it purchased goodwill. However, it was partly because of perceived insults that the Athosians wished to leave. They saw that Teyla was valued, even if treated differently because she was both a woman and an outsider, but they did not see themselves so valued. That and the loss of living close to the land meant that although Athosians were welcome to remain, all except Teyla had chosen to leave.

"I must talk to Halling," Teyla said as she saw him exit. "Please excuse me. Unless you wish to speak further?"

"No, please."

At Dr. Weir's gesture, Teyla hurried after Halling. He and Dr. Beckett had paused just ahead, at a juncture of corridors, and as she headed toward them, she saw Dr. Beckett step back, even as Halling reached forward, then dropped his hand. There was a moment of hesitation. Dr. Beckett said something, then turned and left, giving Teyla a small half-smile and a head duck. He was embarrassed. They were always pulling apart, because somehow, when they were together, the intimacy between them was almost palpable. It seemed so clear to Teyla that she wondered why others hadn't commented on it, but of course, she knew about their relationship, and nobody else did. Several Athosians had noticed Halling's tendency to disappear for hours on end, but nobody suspected that he had taken a lover. Even Halling's son, Jinto, didn't seem to know, although he liked Dr. Beckett and had taken to saying "aye" instead of "yes." Halling's love for Carson Beckett made the request she had promised the council that she would bring him all the more ridiculous, but her promise had been the only way to turn the topic and end the meeting.

"Halling," Teyla called. "I must speak with you."

Halling turned. "Of course," he said.

"Privately," Teyla added. "Here." She pulled him into an alcove. "I have been charged by the elders of the advisory council to bring you a proposal." Halling, who sat on the advisory council and by rights should have been informed of any proposal, merely looked polite, and Teyla continued. "They have noticed your leadership skills and wonder whether you would consent to lead in my absence."

Halling blinked in surprise. "Surely an elder would be a better choice. I do not wish to take on such a task, and I feel I lack authority."

"The elders thought that as my husband, you and I would speak as one voice," Teyla said. "Your voice would be the one heard on the mainland, and my voice would be your counsel, here from the city."

Halling, stunned, opened his mouth, but no words came out. He tried again. He was handling her offer of marriage quite well, Teyla thought. "I had not thought to remarry," he said at last. "And we had thought--we had assumed--we thought your heart would take you where inclination did, and that you would marry among the people from Earth. Perhaps Major Sheppard."

Teyla had to smile. She too had thought that Major Sheppard would offer for her; his obvious interest in her when they first met had flattered her. He still paid her attentions as a man to a woman, but Teyla now knew that marriage was not on his mind, particularly because Earth military rules meant that were they to marry, she would have to leave the expedition team. "The people from Earth do not have such customs," she said. "It is not necessary to marry among them to cement an alliance."

"Nor is it so among the Athosians," Halling said promptly. "Is this your wish?"

"Halling, you are my dear friend," she said. "I am not averse to this alliance if together we come to believe that it is in the best interests of the Athosians. My love for you is not that of a wife for her husband but of a sister for her brother. And I know you love elsewhere. But this need not affect us; if we are married, you may do as you will after we have a child. Affection is a sound base for marriage. Do not reject this offer out of hand. It is politically wise for both of us."

"Even a leader may marry for love, not just duty," Halling said. He'd regained his footing. "If you marry for duty, then you should marry out." He meant that she should marry a non-Athosian.

Teyla nodded. "I had thought the same," she confessed. "I will tell the council that you have declined my offer."

"Thank you," Halling said. "I am honored that you would consider me."

Teyla laid a hand on Halling's arm. "The council wishes your happiness," she said. "They wish you would remarry."

"The council should leave well enough alone," Halling said sharply.

"Dr. Beckett--" Teyla started, but Halling cut her off.

"Our acquaintance is too short. I am going to the mainland. It is out of the question."

Teyla tightened her grip. As usual, Halling held his emotions tightly in check. "Listen to your heart," she said. "Ask him to come with you. Or you can stay here." She shook his arm gently when she saw the answer in his eyes. Halling had not declared himself. "You must ask," she said. "He must know how you feel. I have seen you together. You are drawn to each other."

"It is out of the question," Halling repeated. "His culture does not permit it. He is ashamed. There can be nothing more." He removed her hand, withdrawing as usual, and in response, Teyla grabbed his head and pulled it down. She pressed her forehead against his, and Halling stilled, resigned.

"My dear friend Halling," Teyla said. "You must stop holding back. You must speak. You cannot just go when you feel as you do, and when he feels as he does."

"Speaking will not help," Halling said. "I will still leave, and he will still be here."

Teyla tugged his head down a little further and kissed him on the forehead, the gesture of a sister to a brother, or a mother to a child. "You are wrong," she said, stepping back. "It is essential that you speak." She pressed her index finger against his chest. "You have always been contained. But when Leya died, you went inside. You see, I seem to touch you, but I cannot. There is a shell around you. I cannot break it. I do not hold your heart. You should let Dr. Beckett break it, to free you."

Halling did not pretend to misunderstand her. "If it breaks, I may not be able to fit back inside," he said.

"Good. You will be bigger." Teyla turned to leave, then paused. "You are a warrior of the Athosians," she said. "You have killed innumerable Wraith. You have knocked at death's door more than once. You have won at ritual combat. Surely you can speak to an outsider inclined to listen to what you have to say."

Halling leaned against the wall but said nothing. She couldn't read his expression. She gave him a final, long look before she left, because it was a warning.

If he didn't speak, if he continued to remain so contained that there was no room for his love to grow further, then she would make him.

***

"Halling's good," Major Sheppard said. He stood with arms crossed, surveying the men in the sparring arena with a critical eye. "Oh! Did you see that? Was that move legal? I don't think that was legal."

Teyla watched Halling with Len. The two cotaught classes and knew each other's styles perhaps too well. "It was legal."

"You told me it was illegal."

"It is illegal for you. It will be legal when you improve."

"Wait a minute." Major Sheppard took his eyes off the field. "I'm playing baby rules? You're telling me I'm playing baby rules?"

Teyla pretended to ignore him. "Watch--there. See Len's response to the standard attack?"

"Oh, don't try to change the subject."

"The move goes well, does it not?" Teyla said sweetly. "A mere two days of bringing in equipment, and it is almost time for construction to begin."

Major Sheppard made a "hrumph" sound. "Baby rules," he muttered.

"The Athosians will all remain here at the settlement tonight," she added. "The tents are up, and we will set watch. Of course, your team is invited to stay."

"Are you staying?" Major Sheppard asked.

"Yes," she said. "I would just come back tomorrow."

"Well, I'm on shuttle duty," he said. "I'd just have to go back to Atlantis tomorrow to bring everybody back. So I guess I'll spend the night at home, with the running water and the bed. You guys probably want to have a slumber party anyway."

"Slumber party?" Teyla asked. She did not know this phrase.

"You know--singing, dancing, toasting marshmallows, beating the crap out of each other, gossiping. Slumber party."

"Raccoon," Teyla said suddenly, because not knowing a term had reminded her that she had forgotten to ask about raccoons.

"What?"

"Raccoon. What is a raccoon?"

"A raccoon is an animal, a mammal, that comes out at night. They wash their food. Uh, they scavenge. They have markings on their fur that make them look like they wear masks."

"How big are they?"

"Pretty big. Like about so." Major Sheppard sketched an area with his hands.

"Are they dangerous?"

"Not really. They can be. Some of them carry disease. They can bite. But mostly they run and hide if they see people." Major Sheppard looked at her quizzically. "What about raccoons, anyway?"

"You said that the video recorder captured images of animals, but that none was bigger than a raccoon. I did not know how big that was."

"Okay, you changed the subject," Major Sheppard complained. He pointed at Halling and Len, who were still circling, sticks at the ready. "I was hoping to get some pointers."

"Would you like to spar with Halling or Len? I am certain that can be arranged."

"No, I do not want to spar," he told her. "Because I play *baby rules.*"

Teyla lifted a stick from the sack at her waist with a practiced flip. "I do not," she said. "I spar with Halling next. If you observe carefully, I am sure you can learn much."

They both fell silent when a sudden, loud volley of blows sounded. Len had gone on the offensive. Halling blocked swiftly, his arms straining to hold off blows, his hair swinging. Teyla caught the flash of his teeth as he smiled and said something, and he and Len both backed off a few steps to regroup.

"I thought it would get interesting there for a second," Major Sheppard said, disappointed. "Halling won't get into it."

"He prefers to save anger for the Wraith," Teyla said noncommittally. "What do you think of Halling?"

"Oh, I don't know." Major Sheppard sounded vague, which, Teyla thought, meant that he didn't like Halling but was too polite to say. "Religious?"

"He seems to get along well with Dr. Beckett," Teyla added, aware she was treading on thin ice, but curious to learn how others saw the two of them.

"Oh, yeah, that kid of his loves Dr. Beckett."

"Jinto thinks quite a bit of you, too." Jinto and his friends had been known to cast themselves as expedition members, with Jinto as John Sheppard.

"Gosh, something just struck me," Major Sheppard said, falsely cheerful. "I could spar with Jinto!" He dropped his voice, now pleading. "Is he at my level? Please tell me he's at my level."

Jinto was above Major Sheppard in technique, because after all, his teacher was Halling and he'd been in training since he could walk, but she would rather not say that. Instead, Teyla settled for, "It is inappropriate for an adult to spar seriously with a child his age."

"I don't think sparring with *baby rules* is serious."

"Baby rules?" a new voice asked, and Teyla turned.

"Dr. Beckett," she said in greeting. "I'm afraid that Major Sheppard has just learned that his bouts with the sticks use children's rules, to learn technique and to avoid getting hurt."

"She just happened to neglect telling me that," Major Sheppard said.

"I think you should count yourself lucky, Major." Dr. Beckett winced at a loud crack from the sticks. "I see Halling is comporting himself well, as usual. Do I need to stand by with my black bag?" He patted the bag slung over his shoulder. It wasn't black, but it did contain a medical kit.

"Yes," Teyla said. She pulled her other stick from her pouch. "He spars with me next, and I am not feeling merciful today."

Dr. Beckett asked, "May I ask what has Halling done to deserve such treatment?"

Teyla resisted the urge to say, "Declined my marriage proposal." The reaction from both men would be priceless, but she and Halling would never live down the teasing if it became common knowledge. Anyway, she owed Halling her silence unless he gave her permission to speak of it. Instead, she said, "That is between us. But Dr. Beckett, perhaps you might watch."

There seemed little danger that Dr. Beckett would do anything else. He had to rip his eyes from the two men before he responded. "Aye, of course." The match was almost over: Halling had just sent Len reeling and was heading in for the kill. "May I?" he asked politely, extending a hand, and Teyla gave him her pouch.

"Baby rules," Major Sheppard muttered, and then joined in the scattered clapping from the few people watching. Halling had just helped Len to his feet, and they clasped each other's wrists briefly before Len slapped Halling on the arm and said, "Good match."

"Teyla," Halling said in greeting, leaning down to pick up sticks. He was breathing hard, and sweat ran down his bare chest.

"Do you need time to catch your breath?" Teyla asked.

"Perhaps just a sip of water."

"Dr. Beckett has my bag. It has a bottle of water in it."

Teyla warmed up with a few slow circles of the sticks as Halling got his drink of water. He smiled down at Dr. Beckett and exchanged words with Major Sheppard. Only Teyla noticed the way their hands touched when Halling handed the bottle back, holding it a moment too long. She wondered whether Dr. Beckett would spend the night in Halling's tent, which he'd pitched further out than the others, north of the main settlement, on some land he'd chosen. No one would know, and both men seemed determined to keep secret. She knew it was wrong to be so curious about them, but she had seen them in a moment of intimacy together, in Dr. Beckett's rooms, when they had kissed, and the unguarded moment had made her breathless, even as she had politely pretended to study the floor. She had never looked at Halling as someone to be desired until that moment, just as she had known that Halling and Carson Beckett were involved but had not realized what that meant, the physicality of it, until she saw the disordered bed and smelled the heavy scent of love in the air.

Halling jogged back onto the field. "Ready?" he called.

"Ready," Teyla said, and they approached. "Have you spoken to him?" she asked quietly as they touched their foreheads together.

"Leave it alone," Halling said. "We speak in other ways."

"One may speak through action," Teyla agreed. "I ask you to remember that." She stepped back, and simultaneously, they both began to swing the sticks, beginning the dance of combat.

"Give him hell, Teyla!" Major Sheppard yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth. "You go, girl!"

Teyla hit first, a test blow, and Halling easily knocked it aside. He did not follow up, and after a few more circles and a few more feints, she realized he would not go on the offensive. She had seen Halling in combat with the Wraith, when he had lost himself in the rage of battle. It was hard to believe that the soldier she remembered was now the calm man who tapped aside her blows as though they were mere annoyances. She needed the anger to come to the fore, because only then would he would speak. He would not hide behind the words of the Ancestors, or ritual, or words, or belief, all of which allowed him to restrain his emotion and hide. He would break the shell that had grown around him since his wife died.

She took a deep breath. The force inside Halling could be made to come out in combat, if she could escalate it. She was ready.

"You dishonor me," Teyla Emmagan yelled. Halling easily turned aside her blow. "We've sparred many times, and it's always the same." She feinted, and Halling barely knocked her insulting tap aside. "Am I a woman to be protected?" That was a new insult, now in currency among the Athosians because the people from Earth treated their women differently--more tenderly, as though they were fragile or precious. Very few of the women from Earth were soldiers. "Must I wear a mask of the Wraith for you to consider me a worthy opponent?"

She raised her sticks, as if to smite Halling with great force, and he did as she wanted: he grabbed both sticks in both hands to block her sweep. Instead, a single arm came down, and with her other hand, she lashed out and hit his side. The blow made a solid, sickening thud, and he exhaled sharply, surprised.

Teyla smiled. "Ah," she said. "Now I have your attention." She centered her balance and attacked, forcing Halling to engage. Teyla was still on the offensive, but she would make Halling attack. "Your dancing wearies me. Show me that I am worthy of your anger!"

Halling didn't respond. Instead, he began a classic drill sequence, one all children new to the sticks learned, but he sped it up. Teyla stepped into the drill automatically, but it had the desired effect: she was so busy parrying his blows that she could not attack. It was an impressive show, and she heard John Sheppard cheer even as Len and a few other Athosians expressed their dismay. When showy, choreographed the drill was over, Halling bowed ironically. Still he would not attack her. She heard someone yell, "Show him, Teyla!"

"Show him," Teyla said bitterly. "My dear friend Halling." She looked down at her stick, perfectly weighted, perfectly suited to her height and reach, and suddenly the anger she was trying to evoke in Halling bubbled up within her. She threw the stick at Halling, a move that broke the first rule of the discipline. He ducked--of course he ducked, she thought, because he was always evading. "Fight me!" she demanded, then threw the other stick. "Fight me!" She leaned down and ripped a clod of dirt from the ground. "I do not wish to play games!"

"Teyla!" Halling exclaimed, shocked, as she threw the ball of dirt at him. It exploded against his chest.

"No rules," Teyla Emmagan said.

Next: Broken