Courtship Ritual 7

Midnight

by Kylie Lee

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ask/klee/critual07.php
Summary: Jinto can't figure out what his father and Dr. Beckett are talking about so late at night

Jinto crouched below the level of the window. It was late, very late, probably close to midnight, but annoyingly, his father was still awake, still sitting out by the fire with their guest. He could hear the rise and fall of their voices outside. "Father, go to bed," he muttered. "Go, go, go, go, go." He closed his eyes and concentrated, willing his father to sleepiness. The voices ceased, and his hopes rose: they would be standing up now, stretching, ready to come in. His father would bank the fire. They'd start walking toward the house...now. Right now. This very moment.

The voices resumed. Jinto sighed, hope dashed. What could they be talking about? How could anyone have that much to say about business? He was supposed to meet Wex at the fort they'd built next to the riverbank. The ostensible reason for their late-night meeting was to see what kind of nocturnal wildlife was around at the Athosian settlement, but the real reason was that sneaking out was fun, and he and Wex liked to lie side by side and stare at the stars and talk about things. When he'd made the plans, when he'd told Wex he'd definitely be there, he hadn't realized that Carson Beckett would be coming over from Atlantis. As usual, Dr. Beckett would be spending the night in the small guest room. His father was a leader in the community, so they had a bigger house with private bedrooms, including a guest room, but with the extra space came extra responsibility: they were always putting up visitors, from Teyla to Major Sheppard to Dr. Weir herself--and tonight it was Dr. Beckett. He usually didn't mind having visitors, and usually he really enjoyed having Dr. Beckett come stay with them, but...were they ever, ever going to go to sleep?

He couldn't wait. Wex had probably gotten to the fort an hour ago, if not more. He'd wait, but not forever. Jinto could still hear his father and Dr. Beckett as they spoke, although he couldn't make out the words. He decided that the lateness was actually a good thing. His father would go right to bed. He wouldn't check on Jinto, or he'd crack the door and peer inside rather than coming in to check on him. Jinto had taken the precaution of piling clothes under the blanket, so it looked like a body slept there. He just needed to go out the back window instead of the front door.

He padded across the room, feet silent in their leather moccasins, unfastened the heavy greased paper that served as a windowpane, and slid underneath. He gave a little hop to get his stomach on the windowsill, and a second later, he'd squirmed through. He gave himself a minute for his eyes to get used to the starlight, then headed around the side of the low cabin that had been his home for just about two months.

The fire still burned in the brick-lined area they used for cooking. Jinto hesitated because he saw only his father, even though he heard two voices. But after a second, shapes resolved in the dim, flickering light, and he saw Dr. Beckett lying on the ground with his head in his father's lap. As his eyes grew used to the light and shadow, he saw that his father was petting Dr. Beckett, stroking his head, his hair. Jinto often sat so with his father, but it struck him as odd that Dr. Beckett would permit this. Was everything all right? Jinto wondered whether Dr. Beckett was sad. That would explain why his father was soothing him. He hated to think that something had hurt Dr. Beckett, because he was cheerful and kind, and he always had time for Jinto.

He hesitated. Instead of cutting around to head for the riverbank, he dropped to his stomach and wiggled closer. If something was wrong, if his father had to soothe Dr. Beckett, Jinto should know about it. Wex could wait a little longer.

"The baby is doing well," Jinto heard his father say. "The naming ceremony is next Tuesday. Any from Atlantis who would like to come would be most welcome."

Jinto was disappointed. They weren't talking about Dr. Beckett at all, or business, or anything interesting. They were talking about current events--the baby girl Dr. Beckett had been called in to deliver a week or two before. Jinto's father had performed a quick naming ceremony, because they had feared that the baby would die, but the Athosians planned a big ceremony, to celebrate the first child born to the Athosians since their relocation.

"Food and drink are traditional?" Dr. Beckett said, his exotic accent lilting.

"Yes."

"Aye, you couldn't keep us away. We all of us can admire babies."

"You need not admire only ours," Jinto's father said teasingly. "So many handsome soldiers! So many beautiful women! Surely some babies of your own will be born in a few months' time."

"Unlikely," Dr. Beckett said. Jinto saw him shift, raising one knee up and lifting his head out of his father's lap, and when he settled back down, somehow, Dr. Beckett and his father were holding hands. With his free hand, his father kept touching Dr. Beckett, but now it wasn't just the soothing gesture of pushing his hair back. Now he touched Dr. Beckett's face. Jinto shifted uncomfortably. He had never seen his father do this before.

"Unlikely?" Jinto's father asked.

"All the women have a device implanted under their skin that won't permit them to conceive." Jinto frowned. They were talking about babies. "What? What's wrong?"

Jinto's father had pulled back. "They did this willingly?" he asked in a voice that Jinto knew to be dangerous.

"Aye," Dr. Beckett said. He reached up and, apparently uncaring of the peril, stroked Jinto's father's beard. Jinto froze. He had never seen anyone touch his father so, much less when his father used his angry voice. It required a kind of courage Jinto himself lacked. Did Dr. Beckett know his father so well? Something was going on. "Halling. We didn't know what we would find on the other side of the Stargate. It was for their own protection."

"They did it willingly, or they did it as the price of coming through the Stargate?"

"Both."

"But if this--this device is removed, they could conceive?"

"Of course."

"And you will remove it if she asks?"

"No one has asked," Dr. Beckett said, which even Jinto could tell was not an answer, but as Jinto's father relented and began touching Dr. Beckett's face again, Dr. Beckett sighed. Dr. Beckett had known all along that Jinto's father was disturbed, but he had coaxed him out of it.

"They will ask when they fall and love and wish to start a family." Jinto's father sounded certain.

"Very likely," Dr. Beckett agreed.

"We thought it odd, when we first met you, that there were no children among you."

"We're quite a homogenous group," Dr. Beckett said, a remark that made no sense to Jinto. "We're all within a narrow age range. The youngest is eighteen, which is our age of majority, and the eldest is fifty. Most are unmarried and have very little family at home on Earth. We didn't know whether we would be coming back, you see. Those with the least to leave behind came on this trip."

"Who did you leave behind?" Jinto's father asked, and Jinto squirmed forward. He wanted to know the answer to that.

"My mother," Dr. Beckett said promptly. "My colleagues at the Royal Hospital."

"But you have found new friends here, on this side of the Gate," Jinto's father said. "Your Perna."

"Ah," Dr. Beckett said, the tone of his voice changing. "A lovely lady to bear my children? Halling, she died." Now he sounded sad.

"Carson. I am sorry. I will not speak of her again." Jinto's father leaned down, and to Jinto's utter shock, he kissed Dr. Beckett on the mouth. "I am glad you told me."

"You're jealous?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

Jinto squeezed his eyes shut, but it was too late. He could hear the faint, wet sounds of more kissing. He felt sick to his stomach. He put his arms over his head to try to drown it out, because he didn't want his father to kiss anyone, even Dr. Beckett. He knew full well that many Athosian women had hoped to make his father a husband again, but his father had never seemed interested, and Jinto had come to view the women, several of whom had tried to recruit Jinto to their side, as nuisances. It was just the two of them, Jinto and Halling, as it always had been. Except now his father was kissing Dr. Beckett, who was a man, and Jinto had never perceived Dr. Beckett as a nuisance.

"Children," Jinto's father said, and Jinto cracked his eyes open. They were no longer kissing, which was a relief. Now, Jinto's father had tucked one hand inside Dr. Beckett's shirt, so he could touch Dr. Beckett's bare chest, and Dr. Beckett had put his own hand atop it. It was like they had to keep touching each other. Jinto hadn't realized that his father craved touch so, but he must have, because he didn't seem to want to stop touching and petting Dr. Beckett. "Your science is so far advanced from ours. Does your technology permit two men to have a child together?"

The import of what Jinto's father said hit Jinto. Did his father want to have another child--with Dr. Beckett? Dr. Beckett immediately soothed Jinto's surprise and dismay with his response: "Sorry, a woman is still required."

"I want you to experience what I experienced with Jinto," Jinto's father said. "I truly lack the words to express the joy I felt upon his birth."

"A living reminder of your wife," Dr. Beckett said.

"You are jealous?"

"No, not jealous. Envious? That's not the right word either. Let's say it's an emotion that does not set me in a favorable light."

"I am sorry."

Dr. Beckett said, "Does Jinto take after her? Leya?"

Jinto almost gasped when Dr. Beckett said his mother's name. His father rarely spoke it. To hear it said by someone who never knew her--it seemed wrong, somehow. If Dr. Beckett knew her name, he must have spoken with Jinto's father about her. That was something Jinto himself was unable to get his father to do. His father and Dr. Beckett touched each other, kissed each other, spoke of private things--how had Jinto known none of this?

"Yes," Jinto's father said after a long pause. "Yes, he does."

Jinto held his breath, willing his father to say more, but he had fallen silent. When it was clear he would not go on, Dr. Beckett said, "Teyla mentioned she was not an Athosian, but someone you traded with, someone through the Gate."

"Yes, she came from Tirella, our longtime trade partners."

"Ah, so you like outsiders." Dr. Beckett was trying to change the mood, to apologize for bringing up Jinto's mother. He was teasing Jinto's father, just as he'd coaxed him out of a rage. Only his very good friends teased him.

"I do. Very much. So exotic."

Jinto's father leaned down, as if to kiss Dr. Beckett again, but Dr. Beckett pushed him away. "No, Halling," Dr. Beckett said. "You mustn't, because it makes going to bed alone too difficult."

"My bed is large," Jinto's father said, voice low and intimate, and Jinto had a sudden flash of his father and Dr. Beckett asleep in the same bed, side by side, just as Jinto had shared the tiny room with his father in the city and they'd had to share a pallet.

"Your house is not."

"True. Alas."

Dr. Beckett still used his teasing voice. "Do you show such hospitality to all your guests? Inviting them into your bed?"

"Certainly not," Jinto's father said severely. "And I did not invite you. I merely happened to mention that my bed is large. When must you leave?"

"Tomorrow evening."

"So we could go for a walk tomorrow for lunch?"

Dr. Beckett put a hand up and briefly rubbed the back of Jinto's father's neck. "Oh, yes. I am counting on our going for a walk."

Jinto frowned. Now he understood why his father and Dr. Beckett took such long walks: they could be alone together then. But he didn't understand the current that seemed to flow under their words. Probably during their walks, they were free to talk as they talked now. They altered their words when they knew others were nearby. They only spoke as they did now because they didn't know Jinto was listening. Why the secrecy? Surely his father knew that Jinto liked Dr. Beckett. And the Athosians would welcome Dr. Beckett as well.

Dr. Beckett was saying, "Did Jinto pass into the next sparring level?" The sound of his name snapped Jinto's attention back.

"He did. He practices most faithfully."

"Ah, the proud da."

Jinto's father slid his hand out from under Dr. Beckett's shirt and began caressing Dr. Beckett around his ears. "You are most kind to remember," Jinto's father said.

"Sparring is important in your culture," Dr. Beckett said. "And Jinto is important to you. Mmm. That feels nice, quite nice."

"Our skills may protect us from the Wraith. We spend childhood preparing to meet them in combat."

"What will happen to Jinto when he grows up?" Dr. Beckett asked. He sounded sleepy. "Besides meeting the Wraith in combat. Does he go to school?"

"He can apprentice to be a doctor, or a cook, or a weaver, or a shoemaker, or a religious leader, or anything else, if he shows aptitude and expresses interest. Not for several more years, however."

A cook? A shoemaker? Jinto had never considered these things. Did his father really have plans along these lines, or was he teasing? He could not imagine himself as a religious leader and warrior, as his father was. He wouldn't apprentice until he was thirteen. It was simultaneously very far away and ridiculously close.

"Do you long to have a cook in the family?" Dr. Beckett asked, then yawned.

"My cooking does well enough. For Jinto, my only wish is for his very great happiness. Carson, you are falling asleep."

"Aye, that I am. You're being very soothing, for which I thank you."

"Come."

Jinto froze as his father stood, then helped Dr. Beckett up, but although they glanced his way, they did not see him. He relaxed again when they both faced the fire. His father had just started to bank it when Jinto used his elbows to move backward until he could backtrack to the cabin. It was harder to get his stomach on the windowsill from outside because he had to pull himself up farther, but he did it. He didn't bother fastening the window's paper. He darted into his room just as the front door creaked open. He couldn't shut his bedroom door behind him because they might see it move, so as quietly as he could, he slid into the low bed, shoving the lump of clothes onto the floor.

He forced himself to lie quietly. Over the pounding of his heart, he heard low, masculine voices speaking quietly, and then a door shut. He heard someone walking around in the common area. He stiffened when footsteps creaked to his room and paused, but no one came in. Instead, his bedroom door shut with a faint rattle of metal hardware. The heavy wood blocked all further sound, but he imagined his father turning away from the door and heading for his own room. Would Dr. Beckett come sleep in his father's bed? As soon as he thought it, he knew that Dr. Beckett wouldn't, and it was all for his, Jinto's, sake. They didn't want him to know. They didn't want anybody to know, or they would have clasped hands in front of everyone. It was unusual for two men, or for two women, to clasp hands, but not unheard of.

Jinto kneaded his pillow and tried to get comfortable. He wasn't sleepy, and he'd forgotten all about meeting Wex. He thought back to his time in the city of Atlantis: he'd spent at least one night a week at Wex's, and the time or two he'd dropped in to visit his father in their room, his father had been gone. He'd probably been to Dr. Beckett's, Jinto realized. He remembered the night early on in their stay in the city when his father had done his hair, gotten dressed up, and gone dancing, even though he was on crutches. Jinto had attended too. They'd danced with Dr. Beckett for hours. His father had been carefree and happy that night, and he'd been in a remarkably good mood the next day. It was because of Dr. Beckett. In fact, as Jinto ran through all the times when they'd done something together with Dr. Beckett, even when it was more than just the three of them, his normally serious father had laughed and smiled. How had he not realized this?

His excuse was that his father had never been romantically interested in anyone before, so when it had occurred, Jinto was not in a position to read the signs. And then, of course, there was his mother. No one had seen her die. She had been swept up by the Wraith, her body disappearing into thin air, transported into a Wraith ship to be used as food. Jinto, when he was smaller, had dreamed that she would come back, not dead at all, and they would live together as a family. But he hadn't thought that for a long time. After living through the horror of a Wraith attack, after watching the Wraith feed, you did not pray for those who were taken to live. You prayed that they died quickly.

He did not know what to think. He loved his father, and he loved Dr. Beckett, but he didn't think he was ready for them to love each other, to clasp hands in front of all and say the words that made them a household. He wanted it to be Jinto and Halling, just the two of them. But Jinto would apprentice in a few years, and what would his father do without him? Not to mention, it was clearly a secret. No one was to know, not even Jinto. He had learned that the two of them were together by spying, so he couldn't admit what he knew to anybody. Now he was part of the secret too.

Jinto kicked off the blanket and stood up. His mouth felt dry. He didn't want to think about his father and Dr. Beckett anymore. He couldn't do anything about it anyway. What he needed was a drink of water. In the absolute darkness, he found the door and opened it, the rattle of the hardware sounding absurdly loud.

"Jinto?" a quiet voice asked. "Is that you?"

"Dr. Beckett," Jinto said, just as quietly, and a circle of light swept across the floor as it approached. Dr. Beckett had a flashlight.

"Did I wake you, lad? I couldn't find my chamber pot."

"Chamber pot?" Jinto repeated.

"The bucket in my bedroom," Dr. Beckett clarified. "I had to go to the outhouse."

"I am sorry," Jinto said, understanding. "The buckets are beside the outhouse." He'd forgotten to bring them back in after he'd emptied them and rinsed them out, and he hadn't been expecting a guest.

"No harm done," Dr. Beckett said. "A midnight stroll can be just the thing. What are you doing out and about?"

"I wanted a drink of water," Jinto said, and he let Dr. Beckett walk him to the carafe of water in the common room. Under the steady glow of Dr. Beckett's flashlight, Jinto uncapped the carafe, poured a cup of water, and drank it. Dr. Beckett seemed the same as he always had. It was hard to reconcile this Dr. Beckett with the one who had kissed his father, especially because Dr. Beckett now wore pajamas and had hair that stuck up even more than usual. If Dr. Beckett lived with him and his father, Jinto thought, Dr. Beckett would be around all the time, wearing pajamas, with his hair sticking up, emptying chamber pots and cooking and sweeping and doing all those everyday things. If he lived with them, then he would talk to Jinto in the middle of the night, just the two of them. He hadn't considered that. "Thank you."

"I'll escort you to your room, lad," Dr. Beckett said. "We need to get you a torch. You could break your neck wandering about in the pitch black."

Jinto looked at his father's closed bedroom door as they passed it. Jinto's father slept there, alone in his big bed, because no matter what his father felt for Dr. Beckett, and no matter what Dr. Beckett felt for him, for a reason known only to the two of them, they had not stood in front of the Athosians and clasped hands, and Teyla had not called all to witness. What Jinto thought, or whether Jinto approved, or how Jinto felt was unimportant. Tomorrow his father and Dr. Beckett would go on their walk, and then Dr. Beckett would leave, and while he was here, his father would laugh and joke and smile. He had his father every day of the week, after all. Dr. Beckett visited only a few times a month.

"Dr. Beckett?" Jinto began, and they both stopped just outside the door to Jinto's bedroom. He wanted to tell Dr. Beckett that it was all right that he and his father were together, because he couldn't tell his father. But he couldn't think of how to say it, so he fell silent.

"Aye, Jinto?" Dr. Beckett prompted.

"My only wish is for my father's very great happiness," Jinto said.

Dr. Beckett stared at him, his face eerily lit in the flashlight's cold light. "Aye," he said at last. "As is mine. I see we understand each other."

"Aye," Jinto said. "We do."

-30-

Next: Watching