Certainty Of Chance

by Kleio

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ask/kleio/chance.php
Summary: This is a follow-up on what took place after that famous Space Monkey -incident. Just a little bit of locker room talk, man to man...

The water ran down Jack's body, soothing, relaxing. It had been quite a trip and he felt he deserved every ounce of the pleasure the warm drops caressing his skin had to offer enjoying this solitary refinement to the fullest. Hey, they did save the world today, after all, who could have asked for more?

He'd truly earned a long, hot shower and with a laugh he ignored the 'save water - save the planet' -sign on the wall. 'Been there, done that, taking this shower to get over it,' he thought and turned the water even hotter. It was time for the planet to do something for him.

Jack thought about the night to come. Carter had said something about the four of them going out for drinks afterwards, but the idea hadn't gotten much backing from any of them. Maybe he'd just go straight home and do something about this mind numbing sleep deprivation. Yes, that sounded a hell of a lot better. Just thinking about his own warm bed, going to sleep assured that the world would still be there when he'd wake up. Jack smiled at the thought as he applied shampoo to his hair.

"Oh... sorry. Didn't know you were in here. I can come later. No rush."

Jack had to rinse the foam from his eyes in order to see the man behind the voice he'd already recognised. Daniel was standing in the doorway holding his sponge and herbal shampoo just in the right spot to cover his private areas. Grinning to himself Jack thought Daniel had always been so charmingly coy about these things. In fact, he couldn't think of a time he'd actually seen Danny-boy in his birthday suit. Odd, considering these communal showers and all.

"For crying out loud, Daniel!" Jack said faking annoyance. "There are five more shower heads for you to choose from, I should think at least one of them would do the job."

Daniel smiled awkwardly as he walked to a faucet in the far end of the room, as far away from Jack as he possibly could. It wasn't that he was so bashful or anything like that, or at least he wasn't this uncomfortable with anyone else, but when it came to Jack...there was just something uneasy about it. He turned his back on Jack and tried to enjoy the gentle, cleansing touch of the water and to forget he wasn't alone.

But no can do. It was such an obvious analogy of the horrible traffic accident: you knew you didn't want to and weren't even supposed to, but you just had to look. And he did. As he saw Jack standing there with his legs slightly apart, hands still up in the air rinsing the shampoo off his hair, Daniel knew why he had avoided this till now. He turned his back again, careful not to be seen by him and shook his head in disgust. He'd have to do something about these impure thoughts. Maybe with years of counselling...

Jack couldn't help it. He just couldn't avoid being painfully aware of Daniel's presence in the room. He'd already caught a glimpse of tight abs and perfectly round buttocks, and it was just about enough for him to take in. Jack wanted to go over to him and hug him and hold him and tell him how happy, no, make that ecstatic, he was to have him back. But his legs wouldn't co-operate. Fortunately. Turning around right now wouldn't probably be the best course of action. What a way to welcome your best friend back from the dead - with sexual harassment! 'Cos that's how Daniel would most likely see it. Or maybe just as plain repulsive. Either way, Jack decided to turn the water a bit colder.

"Carter suggested we'd all go out and celebrate," Jack managed to say casually, as if they were fully dressed and standing in a room full of people, trying to ease his discomfort with some image exercises. 'Never would've thought those obligatory classes might come in handy some day...' he said to himself and then aloud: "You know, saving the world and you rising from the dead and all that...nothing major."

"I dunno, Jack. I'm kinda tired. Can't imagine why." Daniel had to turn and face Jack's eyes in reply. A smile was changed and then the eyes hurried to busy themselves with the floor tiles.

"Yeah. It's going around." Jack said as he reached to turn the water to ice cold; it was the only thing that could save him now from the approaching peak of embarrassment. "Guess I'll be heading home, too. Some other time?"

"It's a date." Daniel hesitated realising the connotation of his words, "I mean... um... sure, some other time would be fine."

Jack turned off the faucet. His nipples were turning blue - it was time to go.

---

Jack was already half dressed when Daniel walked in to the locker room. Not much was said, both concentrating intensely on the contents of their lockers, breaking records at getting their clothes on.

"Well, I'm off." Jack finally said slamming his locker shut. "I'll see you in the briefing tomorrow and we'll see about that drink then, okay?"

"Oh... yeah. Sure. Tomorrow."

"Damn, I keep forgetting these new security regulations!" Jack cursed as he realised that he was missing something and let go of the door knob to reach for his pocket, "Should probably have this thing glued to my hand, or something..." he muttered waving the lost key card in his hand.

Just as Jack was about to put his card through the electric reader to open the door, the lights blinked and then stabilised again.

"What the hell was that? Did someone turn on the vacuum cleaner or what?"

"Maybe it's just a power surge," Daniel said tiredly, he didn't have the energy to care.

"Fuck. The door won't open."

"W-w-what?" Now Daniel was awake, too. "What do you mean, it won't open?"

"What part do you have trouble understanding? I insert my card and - nothing! Damn these card...thingies! What exactly is there in here to protect? Some precious air force embroidered towels perhaps, or is it just the smelly sneakers that attract the thieves?!" Jack started to bang on the door with his fists. "Hey, does anyone out there hear me? Someone get this thing open!"

"I don't think that'll do any good, Jack," Daniel said quietly after a while of relentless banging by his pissed-off friend.

"D'you have a better idea?"

"Colonel, is that you?" Sam's voice came faintly through the door.

"Carter! God, yes, it's me. And Daniel's here, too. What the hell is going on?"

"I'm not exactly sure yet, sir. I was just on my way to see General Hammond, but from what I've been told, it seems we've been contaminated with a computer virus of some sort. All the electrical systems are down, only the lights are working on back-up power. It's chaos. Are you okay in there, sir?"

"Sure. Just peachy."

"I'm sure they're doing everything possible to fix this, so you just hang in there." Sam's footsteps moved away and were lost in the mixture of people shouting and running.

"Just peachy," Jack repeated as he sat down next to Daniel. "Some jerk has probably been on the Internet porn sites again and picked something up while enjoying the sights. Fuck." This wasn't exactly what Jack had had in mind for the night. "And what are you smiling about, am I missing the silver lining here?" he asked noticing the strangely happy expression on his friend's face.

"I was just wondering. Don't you see the irony of it all? We have no control."

Jack tilted his head questioningly.

"I mean, what's the use making plans, even for the next few hours, let alone the rest of your life? We were just discussing in the shower what to do afterwards and look at us now. It's no use. We can save the world and still be helpless in front of a series of ingeniously arranged - though malicious - binary codes. There's no guarantee that anything, not even the most insignificant of things, will ever go the way you planned it, the way you expected. We have no power."

"Aren't you being just a tiny bit pessimistic here?" Jack couldn't help feeling amused by Daniel's overly dreary words.

"It's not pessimism, nor determinism...well, not per se. I'm just acknowledging the facts, and the fact is that free will is only illusory and we're all objects, not autonomous actors as we would like to think." Daniel was leaning his head against the locker door, staring blindly at the ceiling. "It's all an illusion."

"Are we talking about god here? 'Cos if we are, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass on this one, it's not exactly my kinda thing..."

"No, no gods, please. I'm talking about something far more powerful than any human mind could ever construct, the ultimate basis for the need of gods. I'm talking about odds, chance, Fortuna. You know, in the 40's, anthropologists were still able to find indigenous peoples who lacked the word for chance. Evans-Pritchard, for example, studied the Nuer in Northern Africa who used witchcraft and magic to explain the to-our-eyes coincidences. They denied the existence of mere chance, it being the most terrifying and, by the same token, also the most powerful of forces in nature."

There was an expectant silence before Daniel continued.

"Just think about it. What's the only thing you can really count on? - That there's nothing to count on. It's a clichÈ, I know, but it does illustrate best the power of chance. And we're all puppets. When I first put my foot onto P3R-233 I really didn't have saving the world in my mind. Or dying, for that matter. Things just get hold of you and there's no escape. Things happen and they don't stop to ask your permission to do that. Our own actions mean nothing."

"Oh, come on, Daniel! You did save the world, didn't you? Now doesn't that mean anything?"

"Of course it does, that's not what I'm saying! I mean, I or anyone else can't take the credit for it. Anyone could have done it or, then again, anyone could have failed as well, including us. We're all just tools acting out the act itself. Mere puppets." Daniel closed his eyes slowly, as if it hurt to look at the truth.

"Well, this is getting way too deep for me. What do you say we lighten things up a bit, since by the looks of it, we'll be spending quite a while in here?" Jack waited for Daniel's eyes to open up again before continuing, "I just happen to have a bottle of great old Irish whiskey in my locker, pin it on chance or whatever you like, but I think it's there for a purpose."

Seeing the smile on Daniel's face he stood up to open his locker and solemnly pulled out the bottle, which had been meant as a birthday present to General Hammond but had a more appropriate use here, and uncorked it.

"Have a taste of chance, my gloomy friend," he said after taking the first sip and handing the bottle over to laughing Daniel.

---

"Dan," Jack started trying to get his thoughts back together in order to form a meaningful sentence. The whiskey had been excellent and most efficient in tearing down the walls of self-restraint, but unfortunately had taken most of his brain activity along with it. "I need to tell you how... glad... I am that you're okay, I mean still with us... alive, that is."

"It's feels pretty good being back," Daniel said taking yet another sip from the bottle.

"I just hope one of these days you can forgive me for leaving you like that," Jack said concentrating his every effort on making it sound just right, this appearing to be his only chance to get it out in the open, "You have no idea how sorry I am about that. I know, I know, the mission was our priority," he said, not letting Daniel cut in with his protest, "and I did think we were all gonna die anyway, but thinking about you having to die alone...it just really got to me, ya know, when it was all over and we were sitting up there in those gliders and you..." Jack couldn't go on.

"Don't you dare take the blame for this one! I gave up. You didn't want to leave me, but I insisted. Remember? I gave up! But then the thought of dying, really dying, hit me. You know, no matter how much death you see, it still doesn't feel real, not something that could ever happen to you. And then it actually did. And I was terrified. But scared people do make miracles happen." Daniel paused for moment handing the almost empty whiskey bottle over to Jack. "And can you imagine the feeling I had coming through the Stargate to hear that both of the ships had exploded and the thought of you... and Sam and Teal'c..."

"Just stop right there. Just... stop. We should be celebrating here, ya know, be happy up people, and all this moaning... Well, it ends here," Jack said, getting up, conscious that he had also prevented Daniel from letting go of the tears he could see burning his eyes, "I gotta take a leak."

"Me, too," Daniel said staggering after him.

Since the bathroom didn't have emergency lighting, the men, after a while of drunken pondering, decided they had no choice but to use the shower drains instead; at least some of the light from the locker room managed escape there through the open doorway.

Daniel hesitated a moment before unzipping his pants, but as he saw Jack revealing himself quite openly, he gave in and followed the lead. It felt bizarre just standing there, urinating into the same drain, trying his best not to stare at what had become the focus of his attention. It was a strange mixture of uneasiness and pleasure. At the same time both so wrong and so right. 'Maybe this is one of those authority things,' Daniel wondered clearing his thoughts, 'A case of motive-attraction, where a dominant figure is associated with a number of unrelated and unresolved issues, feelings. Yeah, must be it. Just a distortion in my shaky mind. But am I imagining this, too, or is Jack holding... well, more than he did a minute ago?'

'Oh, please. Not now. Please, please, please.' Jack's thoughts ran around in circles. 'This can't be happening, not now. Oh, please, don't do this to me!' It wasn't what he wanted, not then and there, but his physique had turned on him again. 'There's nothing sexual here, so would you mind ?! Just think of the happy place - no, wait - not that happy. The tundra. Yes that should do the trick. Just relax and we'll both be fine, just fine...' Daniel was far from sexy standing there like a little lost boy, obviously glancing in his direction, measuring him most likely. He wanted to hug the man, take him in his arms and just hold on tight, squeeze the smile out of him. But the flesh was oh-so weak... Jack kept his eyes firmly on the wall afraid that even a quick peek would be enough to push him over the edge.

The two men stood silently next to each other. Only the sound of the long overdue relief echoed from the walls.

"Okay, Space Monkey, what do you say we promise never to get that close to dying ever again?" Jack's question took the edge off and even Daniel managed to smile as he zipped up.

"It's a deal," he mumbled, "And what is this Space Monkey thing all about? Are you referring to me as a primate now?"

"Oh, you know, you'd just been in space... and I've always thought there's something ape-like about you...hey!" Daniel took a hold of the shower head in front of him not to tumble over while giving the man a little shove, but due to his own degree of intoxication Jack lost his balance and fell straight down on the floor.

"You son of a bitch... you're gonna regret doing that!" Jack's hand took a firm grip on the hysterically laughing man's pants and with one yank he was down on the floor as well.

But Daniel had no intention of giving up that easily. He reached for the nearest faucet and succeeded in turning the tap on full. A string of cursing escaped from Jack's lips as the water spray hit his back. Both losing their last shred of control they rolled around on the wet floor in attempt to get the other one even wetter, not noticing how soaked they both already were. All the frustration and stress piled up inside of them was released in a childlike wrestling match, two adults enjoying the chance for permitted regression.

Finally Jack took the upper hand and landed on top of Daniel, nailing his arms above his head on the floor. They were dripping wet and out of breath, but all Jack could see were the blue eyes staring straight into his and the shivering lips just an inch away from his own.

"I give up, I give up," Daniel said smiling, "You win."

He was, strangely enough, quite pleased to be pressed down by Jack, to have him holding him, controlling him. Daniel had a vague urge to just give himself to this man, unquestionably and completely.

"The old man has still got it! I can still beat..." Jack paused realising the true nature of his achievement, "...an anthropologist! Man, I'm doomed!"

"For your information anthropologists are required to spent a considerable time in surprisingly harsh conditions on the field while collecting ethnographic data on the subject of study and processing it within the guidelines of chosen paradigms and reflecting critically on the methodological approaches taken along the way. All this taking place in the middle of nowhere, in a culture we may know nothing about beforehand, with numerous diseases and..."The words just seemed to pour out of Daniel's mouth in spite of the slight stuttering.

"Okay, okay!" Jack shouted, "I get the picture. Geez! Is that stuff programmed in you or what? I just meant I'd feel a bit better knowing I could still beat the crap out of a man half my age."

"You're not... that old." Daniel said trying theatrically to wriggle his way out of Jack's firm hold. "W-w-what?" Daniel asked seeing the laughter being reborn on Jack's face, "What's so funny?"

"You should just see yourself!" Jack couldn't fight his amusement any longer.

It took Daniel a long and strenuous line of reasoning before his drunken mind could pull the strings together and notice the world's gradual dimming in his eyes - his glasses were all steamed up due to the warmth of the water.

"I look like a geek, don't I?"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"Thanks a lot." Daniel was trying very hard to make a frown, but the high level of alcohol in his blood and the obvious comedic aspect of their current situation were just too much and he failed poorly.

"Let me get those," Jack said lowering his head to push the specs off with the tip of his nose. "There."

Jack knew he should lift his head back up, but there was something wrong with the muscles. All he could grasp was the fact that Daniel's ear was just inches away from his lips, wet hair with a faint fragrance of apples clinging to his skin, the racing heartbeat echoing his own. He really should move his head. Right now. But the mouth had a mind of its own and Jack just didn't have the strength to fight it.

Daniel's thoughts seemed to be stuck in slow-motion. Just as he was sure he was going to get hold of one, that one of them would finally reach its goal of realisation, it slipped away from him, fell off track and was swallowed by the surrounding darkness. Daniel tried to trace back another one only to lose it as well. He kept registering the messages from his senses but no further processing was possible, no perception could be formed from the sensation. And yet he had the distinct feeling that something was happening, something that wasn't supposed to. A stray thought almost finding his consciousness insisted that there would be an element of weirdness in carrying on with this, in allowing himself to feel this...good.

His mind being temporarily out of order, the body saw its chance and kicked in. Daniel's blood made a collective decision to leave the malfunctioning brain and headed downwards, filling his groin area with a long suppressed and almost forgotten sensation. Jack's warm breath was drilling a hole into his earlobe making every working brain cell concentrate its attention to this otherwise insignificantly small part of his body. Daniel's whole world came to consist of the two ends of a string set between his ear and his awakening groin, and he was sentenced to what seemed a life time of balancing on that thin line. Everything that had just had any rational content lost it in a split second. No more norms, regulations, conventions; all thrown out of the scenario demonstrating itself in that particular place in space and time.

"So, what's my price for winning the fight?" Jack whispered into Daniel's ear and without letting his mind have any say in it, his lips took charge, closing gently on the gasping mouth. Slowly, with uncharacteristically coy tenderness his tongue started its journey across the other man's quivering lips, wanting desperately to lick away every drop of water in order to be able to taste him, and yet with every soft touch living in constant fear of losing the magic stillness of the moment, destroying the illusion of having him completely. But feeling Daniel's lips drift hesitatingly apart, the warm mouth opening invitingly under his, Jack granted himself the right to let go, to let it slide.

Somewhere deep down both men knew this was truly a once in a lifetime experience, something only this unique chain of events - the mission, the computer virus, the whiskey - could have created. It was a single point in time and space where all the little particles collided, bringing into existence this universally meaningless incident. But for the two men it filled their worlds as nothing else ever had or could. Though drunken and confused, they both knew, or more so felt, the importance, the uniqueness of what was happening.

But moments never last or they wouldn't qualify as moments.

"What just happened?" Daniel asked quietly as Jack released his arms and rolled off of him, landing on his back right next to the confused man.

"I dunno... can't think straight."

"Yeah... me neither." Daniel blinked his eyes in vain to lose the blur surrounding him.

A pause.

"Let's just pin it down on chance, shall we. Remember... puppets?" Jack mumbled.

"Yeah. Puppets."

---

Half an hour later they were found lying passed out, side by side on the shower room floor, wet clothes clinging to their bodies, and with the water still running.

- The End -