Waiting For Him To Come Home

by Kyn_Moonlight

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ask/kmoonlight/waiting.php
Summary: The whole city is in love with John Sheppard, but unrequited love has a darker side

"Please," John says to me, his hands and voice a gentle caress.

'Please,' as if I could refuse him, though I like hearing him say it. It's been too long since anyone touched me like this, needed me, understood my needs in return. His touch awakens parts of me long dormant, turns me on like no one else. He's the answer to dreams I'd long since stopped even dreaming. I was sure I'd spend all eternity alone, all the love I could give locked away in the cold dark underwater recesses of my subconscious. His caress tingles along all my senses, and when he speaks to me and me alone, I would give him anything it's in my power to give. His smile makes me glow in happiness, his absence makes the very corridors feel dark and cold.

I do love him. I don't think he realizes that. I try to show him with my actions because I don't have words to express the depth of my feelings for him. He doesn't feel the same for me in return. I think it just doesn't occur to him that what I feel for him is love, or that it's acceptable for him to love me. Yet I do feel how he cares for me in the ways he treats me with respect and affection, tries to keep me safe, talks to me like a friend. In return I hold him, keep him warm at night, and offer my whole self to him.

The first time he entered me, so focused on me, I could feel his awe at the experience in his shuddering breath. And I - - I was amazed by the intensity of my reaction to him. His eyes told me how beautiful he thought I was, and I felt alive for the first time in a long, long time. When he's inside me, when I can feel him move within me, only then do I feel complete, and all is right in my world.

I like it when he just talks to me too, about his hopes and fears, about his day, who's made him angry, the things he's seen on his latest mission, not asking for anything from me, but accepting my quiet comfort gratefully. Those are the kinds of things he's only comfortable telling me when no one else is around, and things I know he doesn't confide in anyone else. I savor those moments, burning each nuance of voice and emotion into my memory, to hold close to me when his responsibilities don't allow him the time to relax with me.

I have fears and dreams too. I'm afraid, sometimes, that he'll leave me like everyone before him did. If the wraith come, when they come, will I be strong enough to protect him and will he be strong enough to protect me? We take care of each other like that, need each other like that. I can tell he thinks of me as his, and I consider him as mine. He may not call that love, but to me it can be nothing else.

One night, in the quiet darkness, he told me how he's lived so many places, and though he was happy most of the time, with whatever city or town he happened to live in, no place was ever home. I knew, in his own way, he was trying to tell me why he wasn't ready to love me yet, but that he wanted to, and that he could, if I would just be patient. I was patient.

But now, now my John is falling in love with someone else instead. I'm hurt he doesn't confide in me anymore, but I hear name he whispers in his dreams, calls out when he touches himself in the shower. Rodney McKay. How can he love McKay, and not me? I, who give him everything, I, who could love him eternally. This just won't do. He can't have my John.

It would be so easy for McKay to have a fatal accident. No one would guess it was anything other than bad luck. But John and I need him to help us survive for the moment. Maybe just something disfiguring. But then John might stick by him anyhow, gentle and supportive as he is. Or just turn to someone else like Teyla or Dr. Weir, or pretty young Ford. I know they want him. They all want him, everyone here. I have to find a way to keep any of them from taking him from me.

Though... If the Wraith showed up and found John alone in his city, they'd just move on to better feeding grounds, and he and I would be safe.

I waited ten thousand years for him and I won't give him up now. Soon, he'll be all mine and he'll finally know that I am his only true home. John Sheppard and Atlantis, the city who loves him. Together alone, forever.

As soon as I kill them all.