The Toy 2

A Walk On The Beach

by Kouros

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ask/kouros/toy02.php
Summary: The boys need a getaway vacation

As we fly across the ocean, I find myself thinking of how beautiful this planet really is. The water is clear and clean; the air is marvelous and seems to fill your lungs up in the most invigorating way. If it weren't for the Wraith, and us being stuck here, it would be heaven. Well, at least for me it would be. I never thought any of this could happen, in the most unlikely of places with the most impossible man, my life is suddenly full of good things.

All of my life I've wanted this job, and now I have it; all of my life I wanted someone to be mine, and now I have John.

It's problematic in a way. I can hardly believe he's mine and I go from soaring bliss where I want to sing and run around saying "he's mine, all mine" to everyone I see, to the deepest, darkest fugue when I wonder if today will be the day I wake up from the dream.

I'm not fooling myself; I know that John could have anyone he wants. How in the world he managed not to get involved with Teyla is a mystery, they have a lot in common and she's separated from her people in a way not unlike we are.

Then there's Aiden; too young and too gung ho, too earnest and eager but oh so pretty to look at, and he worships John. I doubt if the feelings were mutual, the chain of command would stop them from being together for very long.

Of course, there's Elizabeth who is intelligent, beautiful, and very safe for John with regard to a level playing field. She may be in a committed relationship on earth but that's an entire galaxy away and we may never get home.

Just thinking about this makes me crazy, there are so many people he could choose from, so many that want John and would take him on his own terms. I want him like nothing I've ever wanted before in my life but I don't make it easy on him, I can't stop being myself. I wonder if John will one day wake up and question what he ever saw in me. Then it will all be over. This planet, this job, this adventure, all of it will be ashes in my mouth if John should decide he doesn't want me anymore.

Worse than ashes when I think about it. I would lose my mind if I had to live in the fishbowl of our little community here on Atlantis and constantly be exposed to John. To work with him would be unbearable. I honestly don't know how I'd cope in a situation like that. We're professionals and we both do our jobs, but I think I'd have to ask to be transferred to a different team. Seeing John and knowing I couldn't ever touch him, kiss him, couldn't have him, that would hurt too much. I never thought I'd see this day come, but I've let myself fall too far and now loving John is as vital as breathing. Without him I think I'd rather be. well it just doesn't bear thinking anymore about.

Teyla and Aiden are babbling some nonsense as usual, discussing the Athosian people. For the most part, I tune it out, but for John's sake, I try to be aware of what's going on as we land on the continent with the Athosian contingent. They are good people if a bit eccentric. Yes, I know Carson would laugh himself into a coma if he heard me saying someone else was eccentric. But they are! They think farming is wonderful. For god's sake, they actually like dirt. Ugh. How bizarre is that? Nice people, but very set in their own little dogma and just a bit too self righteous for my personal taste at times. I can easily see that Teyla is the perfect leader for them. She's noble and strong and ever so good, all the things I'm not. However, they are good to have as allies, they certainly won't lie or cheat us and in this miserable corner of the universe, that's a good thing.

Everyone is all smiles as we unload some supplies and greet everyone who's come to see us land. Friendly, friendly, friendly. Hah! Boring, boring, boring, is what they really are. I know I should be patient, and I'm trying, but cripes they are so slow and I want to get this over with so John and I can leave. He's taking me to camp out on the beach.

Is camping something I really want to do? I'm a genius; I belong in a nice clean lab type environment with sterile facilities and lots of clean hot and cold running water, not to mention other people cooking for me. Camping; outside in the open, unprotected, with bugs, bad bedding, no climate control and no bathroom facilities, this just isn't me at all. Not my kind of thing in any way shape or form. Then again, camping with John -- eyes that I want to get lost in, arms that surround me, lips that make me tremble when he kisses me, and then when he... when I... when we... umm. Camping with John, the best day of my life.

Finally, we are free, and flying to our own place, an atoll is what I'd call it. As we land and we step out of the jumper, he turns to me and smiles. There should be music playing and birds singing. It's so damn corny I could laugh but that isn't what I'm thinking as my heart squeezes in my chest and I have to remind myself to breathe. Seeing John like this, all alone, I can hardly put one foot in front of the other I'm so filled with excitement. I want to grab him and never let him go.

He startles me when he says, "Hey, Big Guy, wanna help me with the tent?"

I can feel the blood rushing to my face. John is grinning and I feel myself start to smile. Ever since our first time together, he calls me Big Guy when we're alone and he wants to tease me. Can it really be that I'm happy to hear that sort of nickname? There was a time I would have verbally eviscerated anyone who made such a comment. Specifically about my weight and what scientists do, which is not physical activity. Of course it's tougher on us to stay slim and trim. But John, he doesn't think I'm fat or tubby, he thinks I'm hung. Can this universe get any stranger? The most desirable man in this galaxy just teased me about my dick and my face is on fire. I am so in love with him. I also want him in the worst way, but that needs to wait until later. Right now, it's time to get the camp setup and ready.

It's so mundane, but I don't care. I'm working with John, we're a team, we're friends, and he's somehow become everything to me. I keep repeating over and over like a mantra, he's mine he's mine he's mine. I'm hopeless at this, and scared to death, but maybe if I can say it enough I can make myself believe it.

When I was in second grade, I had a crush on Cindy Brachman. I thought I was in love. I remember asking my mother what love was. I can still see her in my mind, her voice light and clear. She said, "Rodney, when you fall in love it's the most wonderful thing that can ever happen. When you look at the person you love it's like seeing the sun come up in the morning, it lights up your whole world." God in heaven, how could my mother feel that way about my father? A man who treated her like old luggage, who barely acknowledged her existence except when he wanted sex or some chores done. Yet, I know she did love him, I saw it on her face. I should keep it in mind, love may be wonderful but its damn deaf dumb and blind sometimes.

I'm moving, helping John putter around, straighten up so we can get ready to build a little campfire and settle down, and rest. Then John touches my shoulder and says, "Let's eat, then I want to take a walk with you. The beach is calling our names."

A walk. Damn, how prosaic is that? I'm going for a walk. Yes, we're going for a walk. Who the fuck wants to go for a walk? Then I look at John. He's changing into some stupid clothes that have absolutely no value anywhere except on a beach in California. Seeing him is incredible. He's sex on two feet just changing clothes. His body is so lean and strong.

His penis flops out of his underwear and just like that, I'm ready to get on my knees for him. My mouth is watering and I can almost taste him, my memory of our last time is so vivid. My palms are sweating, my pants are suddenly excessively tight and John isn't even aware of me watching him. It 's almost as if my love for him is chemical or biological, like a genetic imperative that I become his mate. He's a narcotic for me; I couldn't resist him if I wanted to. It's so unfair that he doesn't even have to do anything, all I do is look at him and suddenly I'm as stupid and docile as my mother was.

Docile, like a damn cow. I can't settle down to anything because I feel so vulnerable. One cross look from John and I would crumble, I love him in ways I haven't even realized yet and it gives him so much power over me. My insecurities are clamoring for me to be careful, protect myself and yet I want to trust him. I want to love him so much.

When John tilts his head, he gives me that soft smile and says, "Let's go buddy."

I'm like a pet; I scamper over to walk next to him. I wonder if he likes me this way, quiet and biddable. He takes my hand as we stroll by the water. The waves are soft and they tickle our feet as they slide over them. John has hairy toes. Such an odd thing to be thinking of, his toes. Then, not so odd when I think of how they feel when we're next to each other in bed.

My eyes drink him in. I wish that every photon bouncing off his skin could be captured so I could somehow absorb his warmth. His hair is slowly getting streaky with highlights after being on so many missions. Now that he's not at McMurdo, he's starting to get a nice tan too. Everything about John is nice.

Again, I mentally kick myself for sounding like such a sap. This is all new for me, the feelings and the loving. All my previous experience was about sex and not very good sex at that. This is as far from that as we are from Earth.

"Hey, look at this shell," he says.

"I wonder how old it is and what kind of thing lived in it." Then he looks at me, and he's like a little boy.

I can see that he's looking at me in a way that almost begs for an answer. He wants some kind of sense or understanding of this strange world we live on now. For a moment, I start to say something sarcastic, something like I used to do to keep people away and keep myself safe. Then somehow, I find myself holding his hand cupped in mine with the shell. We are touching, touching in a way that lets me know John wants me as much as I want him. It 's not sex; it's intimacy that we are sharing and all while holding hands.

"John, this is probably thousands, maybe tens of thousands of years old. See how the patina has covered almost the entire surface. It must have been much much larger than this piece and it takes a long time for something this hard to be eroded like this. Our ancestors were probably just coming down from the trees when the creature that made this was alive. It's full of time."

John looks at me, I can see him thinking.

"Full of time. Rodney, that was beautiful, profound. When you aren't guarding yourself so closely." Color mounts his cheeks, and he looks away. I'm stunned. John is never at a loss for words. Then he meets my eyes and says simply, "I'm so glad you're mine."

Then he slips the piece of shell in his pocket and takes my hand again. Walking along, looking at the beauty that surrounds us he starts to hum. For a minute, the song eludes me then I realize he's humming an old song from the 60s. It's older than we are for goodness sakes, but it's a song about the beach and being in love and what do I care as long as it's me he's humming with.

Next: Cookies By Moonlight