Trials And Tribulations 2

From Bad To Worse

by Lady Arkin

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asl/larkin/trials02.php
Summary: Daniel encounters an accident while on a mission off world and comes back a changed man. Somehow, Daniel must cope with it and its impact on the two men that mean everything to him...Jack and his son

PROLOGUE

Daniel knew exactly where The Park Plaza was, he and Alex had cruised by several times already since they'd gotten evicted from their apartment.

At first light he woke Alex. They grabbed the few belongings that they'd managed to hold on to on the streets, which consisted primarily of Daniel's books, and walked the few blocks to a small diner not far from the hotel. Daniel put his bags down and slid into the booth. It was a small place; old fashioned but clean. Alex bounded into the seat in front of him the way teenagers will do before pulling out his sketch pad from his backpack. Daniel watched him open the tin box that he kept his drawing pencils in, choose one, and diligently began to work on his current masterpiece.

Daniel lifted his wrist to check his watch. He was met with a tan line that circled his wrist as he was reminded once again that he'd had it stolen on their first night on the streets.

A waitress came by. Side-stepping his bags she finally stood by the table and said, "What'll you have?"

"Two coffees," he said easily. "Lots of milk on the side, warm if possible."

"That's it?"

He nodded and she went away.

Daniel felt his stomach growl rather loudly as the hanging smell of hot food filled his nostrils uncomfortably. No matter how hungry he got, Daniel knew he wouldn't drink the milk. But Alex liked it.

"You get used to it," Alex said absently as the picture began to draw him in. Alex began to slowly descend towards his work, slouching around it as he continued to breathe life into it until he was lying on it. "The hunger goes away after a while. You just have to ride it out."

Daniel felt the shame and tension return again for the thousandth time since they'd been evicted. Alex had said that he'd had to live on the streets with his mom, but somehow it didn't make Daniel feel any better. He was supposed to have been Alex's support structure, a safe haven, someone he could depend on; instead, he'd managed to become one the worst things that could have happened to the boy.

"I don't want you to go," Daniel said softly.

The drawing stopped. Alex looked up slowly.

"I can't take the chance that you might overreact-"

"I'll be good." Alex said quickly, the fear clearly evident on his face.

Daniel shook his head. "I'm not trying to ditch you. You know better than that. This is about me being able to do something very hard without worrying about where you are, or what might be happening."

Alex's eyes were big and watery as he looked down at the table.

"I'm going to leave you some cash. You order some food later and wait here."

The waitress arrived with mugs and a carafe of coffee. She set a little pot of milk down and filled the mugs with hot coffee before walking away.

"It's nine now. My presentation is at eleven. I look just grungy enough to pass it off as travel weariness. I'll bum a shower from someone so I can change into my clean clothes. They always provide breakfast; I'll take some extra with me for later. I should be done by three or four. Be here."

Alex nodded. "How much money do we have Daniel?" Alex said uneasily.

"Not a lot." Daniel said as he looked away. "I'll make something happen for us Alex. I promise."

~ ~ ~

As he had walked into The Park Plaza he thought that he'd felt as if he'd been at the lowest point in his life... he was wrong. Initially, he'd walked in carrying everything that he owned in the world. He hadn't bathed in a week. He was sticky and smelled like a homeless person. He was homeless. His hair was greasy. He'd felt as if he was the sorriest son-of-bitch in existence as he walked up to the concierge to check in; they'd looked him over with distaste as he approached. In that moment he caught the laughter of several men that he recognized as his colleagues as they looked over the conference's schedule and laughed at his association with it. However, nothing in going in prepared him for the part where he'd left.

Oh, he'd been able to take that shower. He'd caught Professor Lancaster and managed to get his room key. He'd managed to slip into a still clean pair of khaki pants that he'd managed to keep reasonably unwrinkled, his last sports jacket, and a clean shirt. He'd seen enough men flirt in his time; at the buffet lunch he'd managed to reproduce some of those situations. He flirted outrageously with a waitress; she even blushed. He'd concocted some cock-and-bull story about taking leftovers to his sick grandmother and wound up with a nice heavy doggy bag for Alex.

But it was standing outside in the rain pulling his rain coat lower over his head that he'd begun to feel the full extent of his amazingly terrific cock-up. He'd not only managed to embarrass himself, he'd embarrassed Professor Lancaster. He'd ruined his one and only chance at attracting any form of financial or professional help, and as he watched the room clear out he realized that his career - such as it was - was very much over. Daniel understood more than anyone else that he might not be allowed to work again, ever, in his profession. He understood that just to survive he'd probably have to scrimp and crawl in order to land a teaching position somewhere. But Professor Lancaster had been kind, he'd believed in Daniel, he'd offered him a chance, and Daniel had managed to make the man look like a fool.

He'd been so busy trying to figure out how he was going to manage to get Alex across four states to Phil's on the last thirty dollars in his pocket that he never saw the military guys walk up to him in the rain. Now as he watched Catherine's car being driven off into the hazy rain pounding the black road into a blurry white mass, he realized that this might be his last possible chance. Working for the government, the military in particular, wasn't exactly what he'd ever envisioned himself doing but at this point beggars couldn't be choosers.

Daniel opened the envelope in his hands and found that his itinerary also included a plane ticket for Alex. The flight left in four hours. Their next stop would be the Hardwood Arms Hotel in Colorado Springs. They not only had a hotel for the next week, there sitting in the envelope in crisp twenty-dollars bills was a hundred dollars. Despite the cold. Despite the rain soaking him through. Despite the recent career related disaster where he'd blown twelve years of hard work and a lifetime of hope, he somehow managed to smile. At least he'd be able to offer Alex a bed tonight instead of a park bench or a hard bus terminal chair.

Daniel quickly shoved everything back into the envelope and tucked it safely into his jacket's pocket before zipping up his rain coat and pulling down on the hood. He bent over and picked up the two bags as he started for the diner. By the time he arrived at the diner his pants, shoes, and socks were soaked with water. His hair was wet, his glasses fogged up the moment he entered, and he could feel cold rivulets of water dripping down his back.

Daniel set his things down, stripped off the rain coat and hung it up with the others by the wall. Daniel picked his bags up and walked to Alex with a not too fake smile on his face.

Alex seemed surprised and maybe a bit on the 'childlike wonder' side of expectations as Daniel sat in the booth.

"They bought it," Alex squealed.

"No," Daniel said with far more pain that he would have liked to have heard. "They laughed themselves raw, and yet I could still hear my credibility shatter on stage."

The smile on Alex's face melted. Daniel watched it quickly replaced with cold anger.

"My career is now in ruins, Alex. But," Daniel had to look away. Yet somehow he managed to say with some form of hope, "I met someone."

"Is he rich?" Alex said cautiously.

Daniel smiled as he stared at the cigarette burnt table top. "The army seems to want to hire me for some translations. And, I'm taking it. Come on." Daniel said sliding out of the booth. "We have to get to the airport."

"Both of us?" Alex said standing up with him. "Airport?"

Daniel showed him the plane tickets. "We'll get fed on the plane and there's a hotel on the other side of the ride."

Alex smiled and gave the envelope back. "Why didn't you say so?" Alex said happily. "I hope they have bologna sandwiches."

"It's Wednesday." Daniel reminded him.

"Sliced in four perfect squares day."

"That would be nice." Daniel muttered as they walked to the coat. "I got you some food to snack on for the trip," Daniel said as he put his coat on.

He turned around and found Alex putting on someone's rain coat. Daniel looked up quickly and looked around. He heard the door's bell chime as Alex exited. Daniel managed to snap out of it long enough to pick up his bags and rush out as he pulled the hood of his jacket down.

"Not bad Daniel," Alex said a few paces away as he pulled out an equally pilfered umbrella and opened it. "You're getting better at not being so damn honest. That's good. You can't always be, sometimes you have to lie, con, and steal to get what you want. Remember that when you start working with the army."

"And, you're going to get us both into deep trouble with this petty theft of yours!" he hissed just above the pounding rain.

"Maybe," Alex said with a happy smile. "But it won't be today. You said something about food?"

CHAPTER 1 – OF CARTOONS AND REALITY

When he'd stayed over at Jack's house for one reason or another, Jack had often woken him up with the sounds of cartoons. Jack loved Wile E. Coyote for some God awful reason; he called Wile E. Coyote the last intelligent cartoon on television, next to G.I. Joe and the Transformers. Daniel disagreed violently with the entire statement on several levels at once, but at that particular moment in time he couldn't help but latch onto the visual of Wile E. Coyote. Out of nowhere the rock had just appeared over Jack's head; the moment he finished silently wishing his wish in the language of the Ancients, Daniel had looked up and there it was. Out of thin air the solid mass held itself suspended in air.

He was running towards Jack even before he heard himself yell, "Jack, look out!"

He clearly heard Jack groan out a second before Daniel tackled him back. Then a cold sensation wrapped his body but he was too dizzy and disoriented to do anything about it. Gently, he felt himself pass out into oblivion.

He felt gentle shaking at his shoulder. Barely a shake it was a just the slightest nudging as he heard Jack say, "Danny? Danny, wake up. Come on buddy."

Daniel felt himself grow more awake by the second because of the fear that he heard in Jack's voice. He opened his eyes because of that sound and no other reason. He felt drowsy like first thing in the morning, but felt no pain.

Jack's face leaning over him and a bloody gash on Jack's forehead that was still bleeding down his face greeted him.

"Daniel?" He heard Sam say with the same level of fear.

"You're hurt," Daniel tried to say. But instead of his voice it was something else, more high pitched. Not his voice at all. He cleared his throat and tried again, "You need-"

Daniel cleared his throat again; it didn't feel like anything was wrong.

"What happened?" Daniel said again in the strange voice.

It was in trying to sit up that he noticed them. Two big rounded mounds sat on his chest, exactly where they shouldn't have been. He grabbed on with his hand just to know if they were indeed connected to him. To his shock, he not only felt his hands groping himself, he also felt his nipples harden. He sat up straighter and went to the next logical step; he unbuttoned his pants. The loose fitting waist fell away easily but felt a bit snug at the hips, he found barely enough room for his hand; a hand that found nothing that it had sought. He slowly pulled his hand out and looked at it carefully; it was not his. It was too small.

For some insane reason he felt himself jiggle his feet. His feet rattled around inside of his too big boots.

Shocked he turned to Jack in sheer horror and said, "My boots don't fit."

Jack just sat back on his haunches and stared back at Daniel.

Daniel jumped as someone touched his shoulder. He turned like a frightened animal and saw Sam.

"Sam," He said trying to establish some normalcy. "Why don't my boots fit?"

She held her hand out to him again. Daniel took it for lack of anything better to do. Sam helped him to his feet.

Daniel looked around. Jack was still kneeling on the polished red stone floor, the bloody wound on his head still oozing blood down his face. Teal'c stood not more than three feet away. The shock on his face was evident as he stood statue like.

"What happened?" Sam asked calmly.

"When?" Daniel heard himself say stupidly.

"Before you woke up, before the accident."

Daniel tried to think about it. He knew his mouth was hanging open and that he was swaying slightly as if drunk. "The words," Daniel managed to say.

"What words? Daniel," Sam said as she grabbed him by his jacket. She shook him slightly as she said, "What words?"

Daniel pointed towards the altar at the far end of the room.

Before he knew it Sam had run off. Daniel felt his legs buckle beneath him. He felt his left foot shift forwards to the end of his boot, while the other foot seemed to be suspended in mid-air in the other boot. His eyelids fluttered heavily. He found that he needed a nap.

His ability to lie down and take his nap, however, was interrupted by Teal'c who grabbed him by the upper arms and effectively hauled him up to his feet. He was taken to the crack in the wall. Daniel crouched down and slid through the awkward narrow opening and into the temple's colonnaded main passage. He found that within a few steps his feet got caught up in the big "clown-like" boots. He was in Teal'c's arms again. He patted his friend's chest happily knowing that Teal'c wouldn't let anything bad happen to him.

When he looked up, Daniel found himself sitting on the MALP. He looked around studying the walls in the passage. The columns, like the walls and altar room, were all made from the same red stone. The black stone had been inlaid to create the ideograms that formed the basis of the Ancient's language. From where he sat he thought it looked pretty.

"What do you think it is?" Jack said.

"I didn't find anything mechanical. No booby traps, nothing to depress, or move. We can't rule out an artificial influence, but I couldn't find anything."

"What if it's a virus?" Jack said slowly. "We could all be contaminated."

It took Daniel a moment to catch up with the conversation. He managed to say, "It was the altar."

But by the time he'd heard his new voice say it and looked around his teammates were each facing a different direction as they dressed down enough to check on things.

"It was the altar." Daniel said again.

In no time Jack was in front of him.

Daniel swallowed and said, "It was the altar. I touched it. Said it and woke up."

Daniel tried to shake the cobwebs from his head. It was hard to think.

He didn't even question it when he was held up between Jack and Teal'c and walked past all the pretty red columns. He looked up marveling at how high they went in the big room that stretched on and on. When next he looked up he saw the bright blue of the Stargate greet him. He pulled away from his friend immediately. He straightened his uniform and walked through on his own into its cold embrace. On the other end he heard his footsteps on the metal ramp, but he didn't feel it.

He saw Janet and smiled. She seemed to be standing around with everyone else that stared. Daniel instinctively arrived at the gurney and plopped himself down before falling over onto its familiar surface. He smelled the base soap and felt the starchy sheets. Janet's lips were moving, her light was shining in his eyes, but he couldn't hear what she was saying. Thinking that she looked worried was the last thing he could remember.

~ ~ ~

The same nurse as usual gave him the same safety guidelines that she always gave as she placed him in. He was laid out carefully on the bed and blocked her out. Eventually, the bed slid inside the machine. The familiar noise began and as the MRI machine did its job. He let his body relax into it as he closed his eyes.

He easily imagined another return to Earth, a return that wasn't supposed to have ever happened. Still in his Abydonian robes he'd wandered into the infirmary with the same thoughts running wild through his head that were now plaguing him again. What to do first, whom to go after first, who needed saving the most. That first time Sha're won out. His heart hurt whenever he thought about Alex, but she had been in imminent danger. In the back of his mind Daniel had also been afraid, afraid that Alex wouldn't understand if he came home empty-handed. No explanation, no mother, nothing. In the end, he did go home empty-handed to Alex and the boy had reacted about as badly as he'd expected. But in the end he'd forgiven Daniel and had taken him back.

"Doctor Jackson?" The nurse called in a worried tone.

Daniel opened his eyes and realized that the MRI was over.

He jumped off the platform and took the robe that was offered. He covered up as well as he could with it before wrapping his arms around himself, and then slumped down as deeply into the wheelchair as he could get. The hospital scrubs and slippers didn't do much to hide him and he couldn't stand the looks that the SFs in the halls gave him. He looked down at his blanket-covered lap and kept his eyes there.

It was a fruitless exercise...the wheelchair, but Janet wouldn't let him get away without it. The nurse, at the least, had the forethought to throw a hospital blanket over him. Daniel mumbled a thanks and waited to be pushed back to his bed. To his utter relief the trip there was relatively painless: it helped that he didn't look up at anyone that they passed.

To his relief, his staff had come and gone in his absence and left the contents of his desk on his bed. Daniel immediately moved the rolling bed tray closer and began to sort the books, papers, and files. He knew that Nyan was already on the planet and probably already standing in the altar room documenting the writing on the walls.

Daniel settled into bed and pulled the blanket up to cover his new body so he could at least pretend to be comfortable and at ease while doing something that he considered to be normal. He turned the computer on and reached for his video camera so he could review the footage that he'd shot.

~ ~ ~

It was sitting in another machine wrapped in cold and feeling very exposed that his mind wandered off. For some reason he couldn't stop thinking about four year old Alex. He'd had the fierce protectiveness and loyalty that made him so dear and such a pain in the ass in equal amounts.

For as long as Daniel lived, he was never going to forget the man's name or his face. Johnson Brewer was the name of the psychiatrist that had been interviewing him for the fourth straight session that week. Daniel had been sitting outside of Phil's office waiting to be allowed in. Brewer liked to sit around taking up Phil's time, arguing with anyone who'd listen about Daniel's mental state. It had been a five-year uphill battle with the man; since Daniel had tested out early effectively graduating high school just a few days shy of his fourteenth birthday the man had been railing that Daniel was to emotionally fragile, unprepared to interact socially with others, unable to handle the stresses that came with the responsibility of college, and far too immature to take on advanced academic responsibility...no matter how well he tested.

As he sat out in the waiting area he could hear them clear as day, shouting at each other endlessly. Phil was always in Daniel's corner, and would give just as well as he could take it. Daniel was sure that, as usual, Phil would figure out a way to get Daniel past Brewer and into the scholarship that he needed for the Linguistics program that he'd been applying for since he'd gotten his associate's degree. In the meantime he'd managed to follow his mother's footsteps as he earned the bachelor's in anthropological studies, but linguistics was what he both excelled at and what he wanted more than anything.

Daniel slumped back into his seat and looked around the room. It was in a lull as the voices inside died down for the time being, that he first noticed the little kid huddled in the corner of the room. Between a potted rubber plant and an old couch a kid with big green eyes had squeezed himself in and seemed to be trying to disappear.

Daniel didn't hesitate to stand and walk over to the couch. He sighed loudly expelling the air from his lungs dramatically before reaching into his pants and pulling out and chocolate bar. He opened it and found that it had slightly melted in his pocket since he'd bought it on campus earlier. He tore off a piece and found that the chocolate was at the soft stage where his fingers dug into it easily. He reached down without looking and offered the little guy a piece.

He held it between his fingers as the heat from his fingers began to melt the chocolate more. He had a definite sensory image in his mind of the feeling of the chocolate melting and the piece of chocolate beginning its descent from between his fingers. Just as he thought it would fall to the ground he felt the boy take it from him.

Daniel smiled and pulled his hand back so he could lick his fingers clean. He pulled the wrapper down slowly as he heard the rubber tree moving. Daniel turned to his immediate left and saw two big green eyes staring at him from under a thick head of black hair. The kid looked skinny and underfed; Daniel silently offered him the rest of the candy bar. He saw the fear in the boy's eyes, but he took it.

The yelling in the room resumed. Daniel concentrated on watching the closed door; he didn't say anything when the kid walked around from his hiding place and sat down next to Daniel to eat the candy bar.

They sat silently together until the door swung open harshly. Brewer stepped out only long enough to say, "Daniel! Get your sorry butt in here!"

Daniel got up and found that the little kid, who couldn't have been more than four, was holding his hand with a tight grip. Daniel shook his hand gently for a moment trying to shake the kid free, but he seemed determined to hold on. So Daniel held on too and took him with him into the office.

Try as he might Daniel couldn't recall what Brewer had been on about that day; all he knew was that Brewer was on a rampage. Phil had just finished his lunch. One of the same plastic green trays that they all ate from was sitting on his desk. Phil pushed it away and got up to say something. Brewer made a particularly nasty comment to Daniel, stretching his hand flat on the desk.

That seemed to be all it took. While Daniel struggled to answer whatever it was that Brewer had asked, the kid let go of his hand, walked over to the tray, picked up the fork, and stabbed Brewer's hand. The four of them in the room watched the fork just stand there in the center of the back of the man's hand for a few seconds.

Then Brewer started screaming. Daniel grabbed the kid and tore ass out of there as quickly as he could. He did not stop running until he'd exited the dorm rooms. He walked down to the common rooms as quickly as he could as he checked doors and found that one of the music rooms had been left unlocked.

He ducked inside struggling to catch his breath as he adjusted the heavy kid in his arms. He remembered sliding down a wall until his butt hit the floor. When he looked down into the angelic face he realized that the kid had somehow managed to fall asleep somewhere along the trip.

~ ~ ~

The kid's name was Alexander Smith. No one seemed to be quite sure if Smith was his actual last name since the people who ran the house mentioned that they were having a tough time finding any information on the kid. His mother had given someone the name Smith, but Mrs. Lassiter had said it with one of her looks that said 'Yeah, sure.' Daniel knew that Alex's actual name probably died with his mom. As it was, they couldn't remove him from Daniel without problems.

Every time anyone tried to take him away from Daniel's arms the kid would start screaming, he refused to speak, refused to eat, threw tantrums, shook uncontrollably, or just stared at a wall until Daniel came back for him. Half the staff was convinced that he was autistic and needed special care...someplace else. The other half of the staff was sure that he was just traumatized. But all of them agreed on one thing regarding Alex, the kid was quickly tagged as 'failing to thrive,' so his not eating was of great concern.

After hearing how Alex had watched his mother murdered and how he himself was almost killed by his mother's pimp, Daniel got it. Alex needed to be safe; safe was Daniel. To make it safe, Daniel asked for and got Alex as his roommate.

At first Mrs. Lassiter refused because the little kids slept in the children's wing, fifteen to a room in little beds that lined the long halls. Special cases like Alex were usually put in with the smaller children and given extra care. Daniel pointed out a few realities to Mrs. Lassiter. It wasn't hard. Daniel's roommate hated him and had been trying, with great failure, for two years to get anyone else. Alex was only calm around Daniel; and the last thing that Mrs. Stowe, who took care of the little kids at night, needed was Alex driving her nuts. Mrs. Stowe was already closing in on sixty and didn't need the extra hassle. She'd already threatened to quit twice that year and the center was always running short staffed. And, so far Daniel was the only one that could get Alex to eat.

She gave in after Daniel reminded her what Alex had done to Brewer which made Mrs. Lassiter smile deviously and shake her head at the same time; suffice to say that no one was fond of the man.

Daniel walked into his room to find his former roommate with a packed bag in hand.

"So long loser," the kid had said on his way out.

Then Alex moved in.

Daniel quickly learned that Alex wasn't too hard to entertain. He managed to keep Alex busy by giving him paper, pens, and pencils to draw with.

Their room was small even by state care measures. The room had once been a closet at the far end of the building underneath an eave; it was the quietest place in the building. Phil had made sure that Daniel got it so that he'd always have a place away from the other children...the noise. It was on the dark side of the building with a southern exposure and was always cool.

There was just enough room for two small single beds, which Daniel was already far too tall for. Two small dressers and a chair rounded out the complement of furniture that the room would allow. The only luxury item that they really had was a circular rug that sat between the two beds. Aside from that the only things in the room were his stacks of books which he kept piled as neatly as possible, in order of topic, alphabetized by author, fifteen per stack, and at a forty-five degree angle to the wall in order to allow more books to be lined up along each wall..

Alex had settled onto the rug happily with his drawing materials. Daniel hunted around the room for anything else that might entertain the kid. The only things that he found were a couple of old books that Phil had given him from his personal collection. The three books were old and had fallen apart a long time ago, but there were pictures. One was a math book, but it had lots of blank pages in which to draw, so he put them on the rug with Alex. Then Daniel went to his bed to study.

He kept one eye on his studies and an occasional eye on the kid. At first, Alex just looked through the books quietly. Later he colored and drew, but soon he was tearing pages out of the old dismembered books. Daniel made a mental note to have a talk with Alex about which books he could draw in and break and which books he couldn't.

When next he looked up he realized that Alex had made a mess around the rug. Daniel stretched out and put his book down.

He walked over to Alex and knelt down as he asked, "Are you ready for dinner yet?"

Instead of answering or speaking Alex shifted a paper across the floor to another position. Daniel looked over the little bits of torn paper and quickly realized that they were all from the same math book, Algebra from the looks of it. Alex had arranged the pieces of paper in a very specific way. He'd torn several very simple algebraic equations solving for X out of the book and arranged them at the top layer. Following in neat rows leading down from each equation were torn numbers. Daniel wanted to dismiss what he was seeing until he saw that one slip of paper had been torn out blank and that Alex had written in Y = 2, thereby solving the equation himself. A bit farther down was Alex's drawing.

Daniel picked up the sheet of paper and realized that it was more than just his attempt at a graph. Daniel quickly found the graph points for X and Y in each equation and charted them. He found every point on the graph along with a drawing of what looked like a chocolate bar superimposed over the actual graph.

Daniel looked down at the little boy on his rug. Alex smiled and held his arms out to Daniel. Daniel didn't hesitate to pick him up and give him a piggyback ride all the way to the cafeteria.

That was the day that Daniel realized why Phil was always there. It was how he realized that Phil though awkward with his words and miserly with his praise, felt a wealth of emotion for him that Daniel had never even bothered to understand. Daniel let Alex sit in his lap as he ate bologna sandwiches until he burped loudly and snuggled against his chest refusing another bite.

"Daniel?" Jennifer called.

"Yes," he said looking up quickly.

"Where were you just now?" She asked kindly.

Daniel smiled a bit embarrassed and said, "State care."

He looked around the room. Her office was peppered with homey touches that made it just personal enough to make it seem not so much like the grey-walled military box that it was.

"Good memories or bad?" She asked with care.

"Good," He said quickly not wanting to wait too long before answering. He forced himself to look up and meet her eyes. Psychiatrists always made him nervous, even her. "I was seventeen, about to turn eighteen. I was in college and living in Crandon Hall. The beds were so small for me that my feet actually hung off the end."

Daniel leaned back in his chair and said, "I had to give up dessert for a week just to get some kid to trade beds with me so I could have a bed without a rail at the end so that my feet could hang off the bed. Those were strange days."

He heard his own voice trail off.

"Was there hope?" She asked simply.

Daniel smiled. He liked Jennifer; she was far and away better than Mackenzie would ever be.

"It was the dawn of hope." Daniel said easily. "I was getting out and finally starting my life. A life of academia doing what I loved, what I was good at, what I wanted to do, what I was meant to do."

"Are you hopeful that you or the investigating team will find a way to undo this?"

"Have to hope." Daniel said as he held his coffee cup in his lap with both hands. He wanted to shove his hands in his pocket, but he was sure that the right thing to do was just to hold the cup and occasionally sip. He made a mental note to sip at least twice before leaving her office. "Have to work the problem. Have to find out how it happened." Daniel looked up at her placid professional façade. "The moment I give up is the moment I'm dead."

"Define dead."

"Not me. Not existing." Daniel said easily. He knew what she was thinking and smiled. "I'm not suicidal Jen; I just don't like being in this body much. Don't get me wrong; I've got a great pair of tits on me. If I was looking at the body from out there I'd be interested, but I don't love the view from in here."

"What if you're stuck?"

Daniel grew quiet. The room became so quiet so quickly that all that could be heard was humming of the lights above.

"I," Daniel swallowed hard and looked away. "I've thought about that."

"And?"

"I know that a person can get used to just about anything. I remember all too clearly about that."

Daniel stopped talking. He wanted to go back to his bed in the infirmary, his laptop, his work. It was easier to work then to think. He felt the annoyance increase, but before it could show on his face he took a sip of his coffee.

"Have you been thinking a lot about your childhood lately?"

"Yes," He answered easily grateful for the change in topic.

"Why do you think that is?"

"I'm worried." He said far too honestly. He caught himself. "How can I go back to my life like this?"

"Daniel," she said gently. "Just because you aren't a male anymore it doesn't mean-"

He nodded as he quickly cut her off by saying, "Yes, I know. What I meant to say was that I had people in my life before I stepped on that planet and this happened to me. I can't explain this adequately. I don't know if I want to pass as a woman, because inside I know I'm not female. Going beyond the obvious that I'm trapped in a form of sexual limbo right now, I don't want to give up my friends from before. I had a life. I know that I can start over. I know that I can make new friends and move on. But exactly how many times am I supposed to do that?" He looked at her as he swallowed hard and then said, "Exactly how many times am I supposed to effectively dissolve my life and restart it, Doctor?"

Jennifer was quiet. She knew him well enough to know that he wasn't done.

"Personally," Daniel said. "I think that I'd rather hold on to that last shred of hope. My team and I have done some pretty amazing things at the eleventh hour. Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to wiggle away from this too and save myself a second before it's too late."

He took the other planned sip of coffee. It was as good a time as any.

Daniel looked up at her feeling far more emotional than he would have liked. "I have to try."

~ ~ ~

Janet had dropped by earlier and talked at him, like she'd been doing since he'd woken up there. She'd mentioned that he was fine, not contagious, not hosting any parasites or viruses. He was an authentic woman with all the bits and parts. He'd been tempted to get out of bed and run up to General Hammond's office to see him personally, but the idea of running through the SGC in hospital scrubs while his all too perky breasts jiggled around lewdly just made him sick to his stomach.

Daniel's first act, after she left and pulled his curtain back to where it belonged, was to open a new email.

He sent the email and decided that whenever the General actually got around to responding, he'd then come up with a plan of attack. Daniel quickly found himself tapping his pencil on the rolling tray for an indeterminate period of time as the idea of going home crossed his mind.

When next he noticed the curtain opened and there was General Hammond.

"Sir!" Daniel said shocked. "I - I hadn't expected you so soon!"

"I was in the area," He said gently. "Funny, Doctor Frasier said you didn't seem to be speaking to anyone."

Daniel looked away and felt his face get hot.

"I didn't mean to worry Janet, sir. But the woman gave me a pap smear-"

The General held up a hand. "Point made!"

Daniel looked down at the sheets on his bed.

"I've had the infirmary cleared. We can speak freely."

"Yes, sir." Daniel said dutifully.

"I've been speaking with Doctor Kunze. She says that you're handling this situation about as well as can be expected." The General placed a hand on Daniel's shoulder and pushed a little until Daniel lifted his eyes to meet his. "Now why don't you try talking to me?"

"I don't want to tell him until I'm sure that I'm stuck. Jennifer's made me think about it, ab- about what I have to do if it is permanent."

"And?" The General prompted.

"And I don't look forward to looking my son in the eyes and telling him that I had a sex change, but I will if I have too."

"If," the General emphasizing the word, "I let you leave-"

"Sam's offered me a room at her home. I want to finish the translations of the temple walls. Once I know for sure one way or another..."

"Then you call me," The General said. "We'll talk and I'll help however I can. As soon as the Doctor okay's your leave; then so will I."

Daniel tried to smile, but it fell off his face far too easily. He felt the General's hand pat him on the shoulder before he walked away.

~ ~ ~

Daniel had given up sleep in favor of work. It didn't bother him; he did it often enough. With the nurses constantly poking their heads in to check on him, he was assured an unending supply of coffee to keep him awake as he alternated between the computer, the printouts, and the books on his bed. The nurses were also sure to bring him whatever meal was appropriate for that time of day; not that he took any interest in any of the trays. One look at the food mixing from one section of tray to another made him not hungry; and he wasn't going to sit in the middle of the infirmary and separate peas from his mashed potatoes where anyone would be able to see him. Not eating was so much easier than worry, favorable too.

"Doctor Jackson," one of the nurses said as she brushed the thin white curtain aside just enough to peek in. "You have company."

Daniel looked up and shook his head as he reached for his cup of coffee.

"It's Major Carter," she said sweetly in that offering tone that dangled something out hopefully.

Daniel looked up at her and glared harder. He shook his head again, set his cup down, and then started typing on his computer.

He heard the curtain slide back into place. He clearly heard the soft squeaky shoes walking away. Then, he heard the nurse talking to Sam at the other end of the infirmary. What he didn't want was to hear Sam's booted feet coming towards him, but he heard it. Daniel wasn't at all surprised when the curtain was pushed aside. He didn't bother to look up as he finished what he was doing and then picked up one of his books.

"We need to talk," Sam said quietly. She pulled a chair closer and set a bag down.

Daniel didn't respond.

"I want you to stop being a selfish ass for two minutes; just long enough to listen to me." She paused for a moment before saying, "Something happened and I need someone to talk too. Usually, I'd go to Janet but..."

Daniel glanced up long enough to notice that Sam was playing with her hands.

"She's a doctor but she's also an officer Daniel. I can't tell her this without putting her or me in a difficult situation. God!" Sam hissed as she got up and paced the length of his bed. "I wish you weren't in the infirmary."

Daniel picked up his coffee mug. It was still slightly warm, not as hot as he liked it, but it was better than no coffee at all. He brought it to his lips just as Sam leaned in and began whispering.

"Something happened... last night... I... I mean. Teal'c came over. I asked the Colonel over too, but he hasn't been in a social mood lately. So, Teal'c came over. You know how I've been trying to at least learn how to cook. Well it didn't go so well. We threw it out and he made dinner. Then we ate and talked for a while. It just sort of happened."

Sam pulled away suddenly and just stared at him trying to gauge his reaction.

Daniel stared back at her. He thought about what she'd just said for a few seconds and then said, "Are you trying to tell me what I think..."

She nodded hard twice and then went back to playing with her hands.

"Okay," he said easily as he handed her his coffee mug. "We're going to need coffee. Lots of coffee."

She nodded as she took his mug and set it on the chair next to the bag that she'd brought. She opened the bag and pulled out a cardboard drink caddy with four cups of Starbuck's coffee... the extra big cups.

Daniel smiled happily for the first time since the 'incident' and moved his laptop aside for more important things. Sam deposited the drink caddy in place of the computer. As Daniel carefully sniffed each cup, trying to gauge exactly where it was that he wanted to start, he saw her set down a plate of chocolate walnut cookies, a box of doughnuts, a stack of his favorite candy bars, and a six pack of blue Jell-o. Daniel scooted over so Sam could sit. This was obviously going to take a while.

... And it did.

The cookies, doughnuts, and Jell-o were long gone; four cups of good coffee and two not so good ones later they were pretty talked out. She never once asked him how he was dealing with his problem or if he wanted to talk about it... for which he was glad. He'd already been forced to Jennifer's office far too many times for his taste. It wasn't helping; he knew it wouldn't. He couldn't say what he needed to say without putting Alex in danger, and what he could say was more for the sake of Jennifer's paperwork than anything else.

Daniel wiped his face with his hand.

The closest she came to badgering him was then. She gently rubbed his back and leaned in close to him. He closed his eyes enjoying the momentary feel of her next to him. He even leaned into her.

"We love you," she said softly. "I just want you to know that."

Pressed against her shoulder he quietly whispered, "Do you love him? That's the question you need to answer."

She pulled away and looked into his eyes.

"You and I," he said before taking a deep breath, "need to do some serious thinking and make a few decisions."

She squeezed his hand before standing up. "So does that mean that you'll be leaving soon?"

He smiled to himself. "Janet's dismissing me tomorrow. She's pretty sure that there's nothing she can do."

"It's not biological."

"No." he said agreeing. "But it is my personal problem. I know I have to deal."

Sam nodded and picked up the bag she'd brought. She gathered up the garbage from their sugar-rich banquet as she said, "How about if I come by and pick you up tomorrow?"

"Can I stay at your place? I mean, would you mind if I did? For a little while."

Sam looked at him and sincerely said, "You can stay for as long as you want. I won't mind."

"Jack might." He said it before he'd had a chance to think.

Daniel looked away as he felt Sam lean against the bed.

"You know that there's nothing between me and the Colonel. I've told you that a few times. And," she said with a bit of a shrug. "The latest turn in my life definitely tells me something else about what I want."

"I didn't mean it as a jab," he said self-consciously. "I just meant that I usually convalesce with him."

"You're not military or male...anymore." Sam said quietly and yet poignantly.

"But, I'm on his team," Daniel said, doing his best to close that door in his mind.

Sam reached in and kissed him on the cheek. Daniel leaned into it.

Still pressed against his cheek she said, "I'll be here at noon. Be ready."

~ ~ ~

Janet eventually came into his semi-private curtained off bed with a set of BDUs for him to wear home. He had neither spoken to her nor had he tried to make eye contact.

Normally, he loved Janet. She was the giver of all the good painkillers and allergy medications that made all the bad things go far, far, away. However, he hadn't been able to reconcile in his mind the fact that the woman had given him a pap smear. To make matters even worse she'd done it in front of an audience. Two nurses had been in the room. She'd explained that it was normal procedure, but it felt more like the icing on the humiliation cake that was now his life. It was one thing to have her fingers up his butt twice a month or so. But she'd put medical implements inside, cold implements, not just her fingers! It had been uncomfortable, his butt felt as if it had been in the air, he'd been spread-eagle: it was just awful!

He needed some time before he could sort out his Janet issues.

Right now all he wanted was to finish getting dressed, to march out as quickly and painlessly as possible, and then vegetate at Sam's house while he finished the translations on the temple walls; so he could get back to normal. He was determined to find a way to undo what was done before he had to see Alex.

His laptop buzzed. He recognized the email notification alarm and he went to it. He was hoping to hear back from Alex. Well over thirty-nine hours ago he'd sent an email to Alex both at his dorm computer and at his school account. He knew that Alex liked to sometimes party or take time off, but he'd never disappeared like this before.

Daniel sat in the hospital bed and opened his laptop. He pulled up his email and smiled the moment he saw Alex's email. He felt the smile on his face melt away with the first few words.

Daniel closed the email, exited from his email program, and shut down his computer.

He began to pack up his things before Nyan arrived. It would be the first time he'd seen Nyan since his 'accident.' Daniel wasn't looking forward to the meeting, but he knew it couldn't be avoided either. He carefully packed his laptop in his computer bag and arranged all of his research into a huge pile. He would sort everything out later.

It was as was zipping up the computer bag that Nyan showed up.

"Daniel," Nyan said quietly.

Daniel wanted to respond, but he found that he didn't have the will. Instead, he picked up the bag and handed it silently to Nyan before sitting on the bed again. He stared off at the wall mindlessly. He never noticed when, or if Nyan left.

It was Janet that came by his bed later. She gently smoothed his back once. "I have some bad news," she said just as gently.

Daniel nodded easily.

"Sam called. She said that something came up and that she can't come. But, the good news is that I'm still going to cut you loose. I've called upstairs and had a car and a driver called for you."

Daniel nodded and even managed to smile at her before she left. Then he went back to staring at the wall as he tried hard to avoid thinking about Phil and his nasty tobacco pipe. In particular, he tried hard to avoid the memory of Phil's tobacco can.

If he closed his eyes he could still remember the pungent smell of the tobacco and the damn fruit. The man was forever stealing fruit from the cafeteria, or better yet having Daniel steal it for him. That had started after Mrs. Brown has started working in the cafeteria. Phil called her Frau Braun the militant culinary Gestapo, only he'd always said it in hokey German accent that never failed to make Daniel laugh. She'd gotten even nastier with Phil after she'd caught on to the nickname, and the name started to spread among the kids. It was when some joker had sketched a little Hitler cartoon on the cafeteria wall titled Frau Brown that Phil had started to avoid the cafeteria entirely, and Daniel had started to fetch his lunch and steal his apples, peaches, apricots, bananas, and pears for his tobacco can. Funny thing was that she did have a little Hitler mustache.

He wiped a tear from his eye and felt his shoulders slump a bit more. Without Sam to take him in, he'd either have to beg Jack for his usual room or take a hotel room someplace for the week. He didn't like the idea of having to go alone. He knew he could do it, but for some reason he didn't like the idea of being alone...and he was alone.

For a moment he didn't know what to do or where to go and the sense of panic that rose nearly overwhelmed him. For the first time in years, he had to go through everything that he'd been taught as a child to try and get a handle on it. It frightened him that he could fall into it so easily after so many years without a single attack. It took a while, but he eventually got his breathing under control and his heartbeat slowed down to normal before it became noticeable to the infirmary staff.

"Been here long?" he heard Jack say.

He almost smiled. He didn't have to turn around to know that his friend was standing there with his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

"Look, the reality of life is that you can't hide forever. I know this is hard. I have no idea what you're going through, and I know that no one can tell you that it'll be okay. But your friends love you, and we're going to be here to help you as much as we can."

Jack bent over and looked into his face. "I'll go out with you. I'll even drive you home if you want-"

"No!" Daniel said quickly, turning to look at Jack.

Jack nodded slowly and said, "Okay. How about if we do something that's as normal as normal gets? We'll go pick up some take-out, head back to my place, and we'll watch a movie on cable."

Daniel nodded in understanding; he had a place to go to now. He stood, crossed his arms across his chest as he'd grown accustomed to in the past days and began the walk out.

He'd tried to prepare himself for the journey. He told himself repeatedly that he didn't care, that it didn't matter, that as long as he was with Jack he was safe, but it still hurt to see the people that he'd been working next to for so long stare, whisper, and talk about him as he passed. He told himself that he wasn't a freak, but of course he was. What's more he felt it.

The elevator was the worst. He ignored the service men that were inside the moment he entered and fell into the far right corner. He felt an unreasonable guilt sweep over him the moment he entered for one reason and only one reason, Old Spice. One of the men there was wearing it and the only thoughts that came to his mind at that moment were of Phil.

He didn't even remember the rest of the way out. His body must have been working on autopilot, because he had no recollection of leaving or even of the drive in Jack's truck.

When next he bothered to notice where he was he saw the back wall of Jack's garage from inside of Jack's pick-up.

"Hey," Jack said gently. "It would be more comfortable if we ate in the house."

Daniel nodded and then exited.

He walked straight to the couch and plopped himself down with his arms still crossed over his still unfamiliar body. It was sitting in the deep soft couch that he realized that 'they' got in the way of really sitting comfortably. He gave up after a minute and turned the television on. He didn't want to think, and television was just the thing.

Eventually, Jack returned with food.

Jack being Jack, he said, "I forget what color wine goes better with burritos, white or red?"

Daniel felt his lips curl. He loved it when Jack was comfortable, at home, and just being him. It made all things move right.

It was with that thought that he took the wine and had a sip. It was the wine that told him Jack was worried. He'd bothered to pull out the good stuff he'd been saving. Daniel realized that he was now properly guilted and would need to eat in front of Jack and then talk to him enough so that he would keep from worrying. Or, the man would mother-hen him all night and he'd get no peace.

Luckily, the food and the French Revolution were there to distract them both for a time. But it didn't last, soon Jack was staring and that always annoyed Daniel.

"I'm fine Jack."

He actually heard Jack smile before he said, "That's the first full sentence you've said in a week and a half, and I'm glad I could inspire it."

Daniel was going to correct that statement, but what would have been the point? It would only lead to questions that he didn't want to answer; so, he picked up his glass and finished off his wine.

Jack turned off the television and waited. Daniel knew that it was time to talk. Once he was able to say it he said, "I have tits, Jack."

Jack began squirming immediately. The conversation was too close to what he didn't want to think about, wasn't ready to think about, and didn't want to deal with. Jack was intending to be actually supportive, positive, and upbeat.

Daniel was sure to quash it when he informed Jack that, "Janet told me I might get a period. I have all the right equipment to get pregnant."

"Oh," Jack said suddenly very uncomfortable. "I've got whiskey."

He came back with two glasses and a bottle. At first Daniel wasn't going to take it, but he'd had a hell of a day. He took it and sipped.

"This sucks Danny. There's no way around that. You're stuck in a really shitty place and I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing," Daniel said gently.

Daniel looked down at the glass and reverently said 'Fuck it' just like Phil had always done before tossing one back.

It went down hard and burning. He had to sniff a few times afterward; he had to give his throat a moment or two to recuperate before he could voice, "If you don't mind I think I'm going to crash."

~ ~ ~

He borrowed Jack's laptop without asking. Usually, he'd ask first but Jack had already retired to his room and Daniel didn't want to bother him. He'd looked bothered and uncomfortable around Daniel, a thing which he could understand.

Daniel made himself comfortable in his bed and opened up Jack's email.

Daniel shut down the computer, put it aside, and tried hard not to think about that damn rock that had sat high above Jack's head without his knowing about it.

~ ~ ~

Daniel woke up sometime during the night and smelled Jack almost instantly. He opened his eyes in the darkness and realized that he was using Jack as a pillow. It wasn't the first time, but he was in an awkward position and his shoulder was starting to hurt. As carefully as he could he repositioned himself, wrapped his arms around Jack's waist, and settled in for the night. He was home; and that was all that mattered.

Normally, he wouldn't but he had to assure himself that Jack was alive and well. The terrible nightmares that he'd been having were starting to wear on him. He kept seeing Jack's death. Not only was it haunting him, it terrified him far too deeply to name.

He closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift off.

~ ~ ~

The shrill ring of a phone woke him. He wanted to look embarrassed, but he wasn't. Jack was what he'd needed. He felt that the universe owed him; even if it was just a few hours of decent sleep.

He sat up and gave Jack some room

"Hello," Jack said into the handset.

"Shoot." Jack said wiping his face.

Then Jack looked a bit like he'd been caught doing something wrong.

"I wouldn't know," Jack said quickly and practically threw the handset at Daniel.

Daniel caught it before it could fall. Even without having heard the voice on the other end, he knew who it was.

"Sam," Daniel said already knowing what was coming.

"What do think your cup size is?"

"I don't know." Daniel said mournfully.

"I need to know," Sam said quickly. Daniel could hear people in the background and he shivered at the thought that she might already be at the mall.

"Well what do you want me to do about it?"

"Ask the Colonel to help you get your measurements. I'm shopping for you."

"No." Daniel said easily.

"I'm only getting you a few things to try on."

"Really Sam. I don't mind wearing my own clothes."

"And underwear, and shoes, and-"

"No." Daniel said more firmly. "Can't you drop by my apartment and bring me-"

"I thought you didn't like people staring at you!" Sam retorted. "I've got news for you, you look like a girl. And girls who wear men's clothes in public attract a lot of attention."

Daniel exhaled sharply; the logic was flawless.

"We're going out."

"No." Daniel said harshly as he tried to hold back the emotions.

"I thought we'd keep it simple; just lunch."

"I don't want to go out."

"It'll just be us; the team, your family. Teal'c and I will come over later-"

"Sam!"

"We love you. You need this. We're going. We're worried about you." She said firmly. Sam's voice seemed to soften dramatically as she said, "Don't worry. I'm going to make this as painless as possible. You know I don't dress frilly; I'd never do that to you."

He couldn't help the tears that washed down his face. He felt shaky and vulnerable; and he hated every second of it.

There was a moment of silence before she added, "I love you Daniel. Please let me help?"

"Okay Sam. I'll call you back in a few minutes." He said in a quiet and despondent voice.

Daniel handed the handset back without looking up at Jack.

~ ~ ~

After breakfast he'd gotten a response email from Alex which said:

Daniel wiped his face and thought hard before responding:

Daniel sent the email and then tried hard to push away the emotions that filled his mind. The grief welled up and yet he couldn't help but laugh as he remembered his favorite and most often conversation with the man.

"Can you explain something to me?" Daniel said as he erased a mistake on his paper.

"What," Came the grumpy response through the clenched teeth that were, as usual, fastidiously grasping the pipe.

"How exactly are you making me a better person by teaching me to steal for you?" Daniel couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as soon as he'd said it.

He heard Phil's chair squeak as he leaned back and puffed away on the pipe. The smell of apples in the small office grew even more. "Cultural asset boy, a true cultural asset." Phil released the pipe long enough to point it at Daniel. "You aspire to be one of the lucky few that study the past, to unlock its secrets." Another small cloud puffed out around Phil before he pulled the pipe out and held it up in all its glory, "Well here it is!"

"The secrets of the past are there?" Daniel questioned with a smile.

"Pipe smoking is a cultural asset." He said gruffly. "As a leisure activity, it takes a considerable amount of time and trouble. There's the routine and ritual of packing, tapping, lighting, and cleaning." Phil pulled the pipe out and blew several smoke rings before he added. "To do anything else at all while simultaneously smoking a pipe requires skill, experience, and a great deal of personal composure."

"Ahh," Daniel said as nodding his head as he humored Phil. "The coolness factor."

"The world is now moving far too fast. Quick fixes and instant gratification, that's all there is. But the pipe, it teaches care, patience, tradition, culture, and familiarity."

Daniel looked up and managed to keep a straight face as he said, "So I'm stealing fruit from the cafeteria in the name of culture?"

Phil nodded as he said, "That and the fact that the culinary Gestapo has threatened to cut my balls off if I ever set foot in her cafeteria again."

With those words he audibly clenched the pipe between his teeth and went back to his paperwork.

~ ~ ~

Sam walked into the room carrying four large shopping bags. Teal'c came in right behind her loaded down with four more bags and Daniel wondered what the hell she'd bought.

"Put them over there on the bed." She'd said as she put her bags down. "Now go on outside, we have a lot to do." He saw Sam turn to Teal'c and say, "Out! Go on!"

Teal'c stood. Daniel saw Sam lean in far too close as she pushed him out the door, presumably with her breasts. He didn't seem to mind.

Daniel was smiling at her when she turned around blushing slightly.

"So," Daniel said. "Might I presume that you have made up your mind about a few things?"

"And," she said as she pulled one of the bags up onto the bed. "I'm also trying to make up for being a really shitty friend."

"I understand," Daniel said calmly and evenly.

"No, you don't." She said sounding a bit ashamed.

"You needed to run away. You did the thing that you needed and then came back."

Sam turned and looked at him with a bit of shock in her face. Then slowly it faded away into a smile.

"I love you," She said easily.

"I'm glad someone does." Daniel said easily.

He was sorry he'd said it the moment it came out of his mouth, and turned the conversation to the clothes, shoes, and miscellaneous things that she'd bought for him.

~ ~ ~

"He loves you," She said easily.

"I love him too. I love all of you." Daniel said pulled down on the blouse self-consciously. "They don't look right."

"That's because you keep adjusting everything." She said as she swatted his hands away from his bosom. "You look fine; now stop it or you'll pull the fabric out of shape."

Daniel sighed and dropped down into the bed. "The jeans are fine, but the bra is uncomfortable. It's digging into my skin, and these shoes are flimsy."

"Welcome to womanhood," Sam said as she pulled her tee shirt over her head.

Daniel didn't even flinch. He'd seen her naked before. It wasn't that she wasn't beautiful; it was just that she was more his sister than anyone else in creation.

"Is this why you're always wearing men's shoes?"

"They have more tread," she said as she pulled one of the shirts she'd bought for him over her head. "I'm an eight in men's." Her head poked through and as she said, "I'll help you go through your closet and help you salvage shoes and clothes that are unisex enough to pass."

She smoothed the blouse down; it was not only a very complimentary blue on her it also clung in all the right places. The neck line was low and overall appearance was gorgeous on her.

"Wow," Daniel said easily. "He's one lucky man."

She gave him a brilliant smile which he easily returned.

"You get to choose now. Wear something comfortable like the combat boots that Janet gave you, or you wear the painful shoes that go with the outfit."

Daniel shook his head as he softly mumbled, "I must be the saddest son-of-a-bitch ever."

Sam sighed loudly as sat down next to him and said, "No, you aren't." She paused before she said, "I bought the snake an aquarium."

Daniel turned to look at her. "What?"

Sam met his eyes slowly. "Junior squirms when he feels pressure. So if he's lying on top of anything-"

"Oh."

"Yeah,"

"An aquarium."

"With a lid."

There was a pause as Sam reached for her makeup case. "So, how are things going?" She said encouragingly as she pulled out a brush.

"Going?" Daniel replied as he watched her dabbing the brush.

"Daniel," she said sternly as she began to apply make up to her face.

Daniel leaned forward and thought about it. "There's nothing to say. He's uncomfortable around me. I make him nervous. I'm pretty sure he's weirded out by me."

"Well," Sam said easily. "Teal'c and I were talking."

"You don't say." Daniel said, preparing himself for it.

"Maybe you should come home with me. I'm not saying that the Colonel would ever do anything-"

"I think my honor is safe with him, Sam."

She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off with the words, "I'm not lucky enough for the alternative to happen."

She turned and looked at him for a long minute before she said, "I just don't want to see you hurt anymore than necessary."

He smiled and said, "Sam, I hurt every time I think about him. He's everything that I've never known that I wanted wrapped up in a narrow-minded, argumentative, self-centered, pig-headed, ass. What's not to love?"

She smiled and looked away. "We're both pretty sad, aren't we?"

He nodded and then added, "And pathetic, and in need of serious therapy."

~ ~ ~

Riding to the restaurant was tense. Neither he nor Sam had said a word to each other. Daniel had just stared out the window for the duration of the trip. Once there they got out and walked towards the entrance just as silently and waited by the door.

He'd been so nervous when he came out of the bedroom. All he wanted was one encouraging word. Sam had tried. She'd made a general comment about how the clothes were flattering without being flowery. Daniel had appreciated it. Teal'c had even smiled and bowed slightly at him. But when it came to be Jack's turn he'd just stared.

"Don't you think so Colonel?" Sam asked a bit tightly as if encouraging him along.

Then Jack opened his mouth and the beer he'd been drinking dribbled down his face before he'd managed to say "Yeah, Carter," and then walked out of the room covering his mouth. Daniel wasn't sure he'd covered his mouth to hide a snicker, laugh, or grimace but it didn't matter; it hurt just the same.

"This is going to be good," Sam said rubbing his back.

"I'm fine." Daniel replied.

"No, you're not." She said easily. "There is something really wrong with you right now."

"It isn't Jack," Daniel said looking away. "Some stuff is happening, but I'll deal. Jack," he said looking back at her, "was probably making some lame attempt at being funny. It doesn't matter."

There was a pause of silence; Daniel killed it quickly when he said, "Thank you for remembering that I mentioned this place."

"And as an added bonus," she said happily as her eyes followed Jack's truck as it smoothly rolled into the parking lot. "I'm sure that the menu will piss the Colonel off royally."

She smiled at him and he couldn't help but return the smile.

~ ~ ~

Daniel expected comments from Jack within the first minute of entering the restaurant, but there weren't any. He was civil and seemed content all through the meal which was weird. Daniel and Sam even ordered a wildly ultra healthy appetizer just to get a rise out of him, but he didn't bite. He did however eat some. Not a great deal, but some. When he tried to order beer and received a lecture instead, the muscles in Jack's jaws had twitched. But instead of the traditional O'Neill response to the heavens regarding the chlorophyll addled vegetarians and their insane ways, he ordered wine for the table.

The meal itself was excellent and unique. Unlike the usual fare that they often went for when going out together the Raw Bar offered something that they could all enjoy while experiencing a completely different way of eating.

After lunch Sam suggested a walk. Daniel smiled. In the article that he'd interofficed to Sam, before the off-world 'incident,' he'd made sure to highlight the section that reported the romantic and picturesque scenery that was perfect for couples. Daniel actually felt his face flush slightly. A part of him wished that he and Jack hadn't come along so that she and Teal'c had some time together, but the other part of him knew that they both needed to take things slowly. Having their friends along made a good buffer to keep things slow so that they could both decide on their feeling before plunging ahead into something that might ruin the team or worse yet their friendship.

As they stood, he immediately noticed that Teal'c put his hand at the small of Sam's back as they walked out. Neither bothered to look back or see if he and Jack were along.

Worse yet, Jack noticed.

"Did you see that?" Jack asked in a hushed tone.

Daniel nodded, but said nothing. This was strictly a "need to know" situation, and Jack didn't need to know what his 2iC was up to on her time or in her bed.

The first thing that Daniel noticed when they stepped out was that the article did the view absolutely no justice. The restaurant extended well away from the building, opening itself to the endless skies and dark mountains that surrounded it. The wind was cool and crisp and the trees, which seemed to cover everything, were calling to them.

He made sure to walk slowly, so when they stepped off the wooden deck and headed along the path, Sam and Teal'c were ahead of them. Daniel smiled happily. He was glad that Jack was sticking to his side and that he wasn't trying to engage anyone in conversation. Daniel knew that Jack wasn't stupid and he didn't want to raise any flags with the man by having to shut him up, redirect his attention, or physically pull him away from the others.

Daniel looked away and bit his lip. It was too late. It was far too late. In his mind he was already thinking of them as a couple. He liked that it was there, but he also wondered if it was fair. Technically, they hadn't even been on a date yet.

As Phil always used to say to him, "When it's right, it's right. Don't question it! If you question it, you ruin it." Then he'd put the pipe back in his mouth and tell Daniel to sneak into the cafeteria without heir Fuhrer seeing and steal him a banana.

Daniel felt the smile fade off his face as he thought about that old tobacco can of Phil's. He'd had it for as long as Daniel could recall; the big heavy can had sat on Phil's desk at Crandon Hall. Daniel felt the tension in his face. He felt sluggish all of a sudden. He was tempted to ask the others to go on without him, instead he sucked it up and continued to put one foot in front of the other without really seeing where he was going.

He couldn't help but think that Phil would have whole-heartedly agreed with Jack's unvoiced opinion of the restaurant.

"The whole fucking country is swirling down the fascist toilet Daniel!" He'd screamed at Daniel across the restaurant when he'd taken Phil and Alex out for Phil's seventy-ninth birthday. "You can't smoke in public! You can't eat red meat! Next thing you know a person won't be able to run naked across their lawn in the morning! Nazi's! That's what we have in government, that's who're writing all these damnable laws now-a-days!"

Then he felt something bump into him, and as he fell over he realized that the step-in lady's shoes that Sam had gotten him had far less traction on them then he'd originally thought. The only problem what that he didn't hit the ground; in fact there was no ground. Daniel hit the incline of a ditch. He managed to hit hands first and then tumbled, slamming his hip on a rock on his way down until he finally came to a halt.

~ ~ ~

Whatever Jack and Teal'c had discussed, it had obviously made Jack angry. Daniel tried not to talk to him so as not to upset him more. They drove back in silence. Though not uncomfortable, it was lonely.

Once they got home, Daniel limped into his bedroom and found the soft sweatpants that Sam had bought him and left on the top of the pile. He carefully stepped out of his clothes and pulled up the sweatpants before grabbing the first shirt he could find. It was soft and stretchy but he was happy to find that it kept his chest in check.

Daniel managed to crawl into bed a moment before Jack wandered in with an ice pack for him oozing in guilt. Adjusting to just the right place where he could feel the bruise he allowed himself a moment of pleasure.

Very ashamed of himself he heard Jack say, "Sorry. I never would have hurt you."

"It wasn't your fault Jack." Daniel said as he realized just how much like a little boy he looked like in that moment. "I lost my footing."

Jack reached out and moved his legs aside so he could sit. It surprised Daniel when Jack stroked his leg.

"Why don't you take a nap?" Jack said as he got up quickly. "I'll even make dinner later."

Daniel had to laugh.

"You hated the restaurant."

"Hate is a strong word."

"Abhorred, detested, disgust, revulsion?"

"Damn linguists," Jack mumbled. "There's just something very wrong with people who don't believe in beer, that's all. Now lie down and nap, that's an order."

"Sir, yes sir," Daniel replied like a good, mindless, drone.

CHAPTER 2 - FINDING THE COURAGE

Daniel prepared the hot chocolate as he tried hard to push away the stupid thoughts he'd been secretly harboring and allowing to rise up like a moron. Since he'd astonishingly discovered that Jack liked to look at his tits he'd started to show them off. It wasn't as if he had to jiggle them, or move around a lot; Jack was a guy and as red-blooded as the next man. Daniel had found himself wearing more feminine things in ever increasing frequency; he didn't find it comfortable, but Jack seemed to like it. Finally, the piece de résistance! The night that Daniel had offered to cook he had pretended that he couldn't open a jar of olives and Jack had to come and help.

God, what a crock! As if being in a female body made him weak, unable, inept, or at anyone's mercy! He still felt the same, he just hated that he wasn't acting the same.

He knew that there was no chance that Jack would ever find him attractive enough to ever make a move; but he given his behavior of late, it was obvious that deep down Daniel was harboring the hope.

Daniel grabbed the thermos and the mugs that he'd pre-stuffed with the mini marshmallows and the extra blanket. He went out to the deck and climbed up the side of the house to Jack's observatory on the roof. Daniel sat himself down on the wooden deck next to Jack's low bench. Daniel had no delusions that he could pry Jack away from his telescope and didn't bother to try.

Instead, he pulled out the thermos and poured Jack a healthy dose. He grabbed Jack's hand and pulled it close enough to set the cup in it without spilling anything on him. Then Daniel poured himself a bit before pulling out the printout from his jacket and setting it down next to his mug.

"Did you remember the-"

"Yes, I remember the little marshmallows. Are you warm enough-"

"I've got my jacket." Jack said before audibly taking a sip. "Mmm, nutmeg?"

"Little bit," Daniel said as he pulled the blanket over his legs before picking up his printouts and sorting them.

Daniel wiped his face for the thousandth time that day.

"How are the translations going?" Jack asked absentmindedly before pulling away from his telescope long enough to type something into his lap top.

"Well enough," Daniel said unable to help the annoyed tone in his voice. "Just slow going. I'm sure that I'll be done soon, but it's not been easy."

Jack looked at him for the first time. Daniel expected him to say something but he didn't. Instead, Jack switched the mug over to his other hand before reached out and cupping Daniel's cheek for a moment. The hot chocolate warmed hand against his cool cheek made all the difference.

~ ~ ~

Daniel had said one week. That's all he'd asked of Jack. Just one week so he could finish his translations, try to at least deal with some of his emotions concerning Phil's passing, and find the spine to face Alex. That week passed far too quickly in his opinion, but he had to face the fact that he couldn't hide anymore.

But a part of him was glad that Jack wasn't around. A package had been delivered by military escort to Jack just after breakfast. Daniel was under no delusions as to what the delivery might be.

Daniel opened the door wider and asked the young Second Lieutenant inside, "Please, have a seat."

"Thank you Mrs. O'Neill, but I'd rather stand."

Daniel froze suddenly and felt his face burn hotly.

Clumsily, he was able to mumble, "I'm not his wife," before ducking out of the room.

He fetched Jack and then walked quickly back to the kitchen to get lunch ready.

He knew without asking that whatever had been delivered was extremely important; Jack rarely locked himself in his office. Jack had only stopped in the kitchen long enough to mumble some inane excuse about strategic military plans and budget reviews that he had to evaluate and approve. Daniel just nodded as if he was some kind of an idiot. Jack O'Neill had never willingly performed a budget review in his life, let alone locked himself in his office to do it.

Out of curiosity Daniel passed by the door to Jack's office once or twice. Hearing a tapping of the computer keys was the first clue that it was important, the second came when Daniel baked without the door opening once. As Daniel set out the ingredients for the tuna fish sandwiches he couldn't help but smile. Did Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill really think that he was fooling anyone?

Daniel had seen the magazines that Jack read. He was well aware of the pseudonym that Jack liked to use. It was pasted all over the magazine labels and packages that arrived at his home. It wasn't the first time that Daniel had seen the name Dr. J., middle initial O, Nathan, PhD. He'd seen the name on engineering, mechanical, and industrial proposals at Cheyenne, not to mention that Dr. J. O. Nathan's many past works were used as reference by his peers at Nellis.

As he set out Jack's favorites on the table he hoped that it would go well. More importantly, that Jack would back off and let him go home alone. Daniel took a deep breath as he hoped he could make Jack see reason.

Roughly fifteen minutes later, Daniel stormed into his bedroom as he wondered what in hell he'd been thinking! Jack O'Neill was the most unreasonable, narrow-minded, ass that had ever walked the earth.

Daniel wiped his face with his hands as he tried to get a grip. He had a lot to do before he could leave. He happened to glance up at the mirror over the bureau and felt himself flinch in response. Was that him? He looked like a woman!

He'd been so keen on dressing and acting for Jack that he could barely recognize the person in the mirror. Suddenly, disgusted with himself he snatched off his clothes and went to the bed. He'd laid out a dress for himself. He hated that he had to do this, but he had no choice.

He wasn't sure if he could fool Alex, but at least he had to try. Alex knew he was bi-sexual. Maybe he could push the boundaries of that fact farther into the land of the sex change. He doubted that Alex would fall for it, but he had to at least make an attempt at providing Alex with the illusion of an explanation.

Daniel snatched up the dress and unzipped it before stepping into it. He heard the door and looked up to find Jack there. For a moment he wasn't sure what to do, and then he pulled the dress up quickly to cover his still foreign body. Thankfully, Jack left quickly. They didn't have to discuss it. They didn't have to mill around pretending that it was alright.

Daniel held the dress up and dropped down onto his bed. Daniel couldn't even shower in his bathroom. The big mirror over the sink made it far too easy for him to look at himself in the shower. He was still using the bathroom in the hallway. Jack had mercifully not commented on that habit. It had been exactly seventeen days since the accident had happened and he still couldn't look at himself naked. That his best friend had done so made him feel more than just vulnerable, it made him feel deeply ashamed.

He swallowed hard and made a conscious effort to push it aside so he could do what needed to get done. He packed everything quickly. He'd worry about wrinkles, and folding things properly later. Right now all he wanted was to leave. He was tempted to call a cab and try to escape, but he knew that Jack would only follow. It was best just to present Jack with just enough of the pertinent facts that he would back off on his own.

He grabbed the last bag and headed back out into the living room only to find Jack standing there looking at the paper bag luggage.

"I think that I have everything. I didn't want to leave any girly things lying around."

Jack stepped in front of Daniel before he could pass. Daniel looked away not wanting to see what might be in his eyes. But instead of saying anything Jack took the bag from his hands to put it next to the others.

"Jack," Daniel said carefully. "I don't mean to sound nasty, but I really don't need you to go with me. I'd really prefer it if you didn't-"

"I'm going." Jack said firmly.

"Jack," Daniel said softly trying reason for the last time.

"Are you really going to try and talk me out of it? Again?" Jack said turning to face Daniel.

Daniel bit his lip; now or never.

"Okay," Daniel said easily. He closed the space between them, looked up into Jack's eyes as he said, "Just realize that the moment my neighbors see me they'll know it's me. I left last week a man. I'm coming back with this week a woman... and my boyfriend is helping me bring in my wardrobe."

Daniel saw him flush; as Jack had a bite of the reality sandwich.

"Daniel-"

"Do you really think that anyone will believe that I was inexplicably altered in an alien temple? I could try and tell people that, but I don't think that anyone would believe me. A sex change is the only reason to explain this Jack.

"Jack," Daniel said knowing how it might sound. "There is someone waiting back at my place, but I'd rather not explain."

"Okay." Jack said warily.

"If you come then I'd like your permission to use you as a cover story."

Jack nodded stiffly and began to gather the shopping bags.

"Jack," Daniel said quickly with a bit of a panic in his voice.

"I know what you're asking." Jack said as he walked towards the door.

CHAPTER 3 – HOMECOMING

The first person that they met up with was at the elevators. He got his first taste of the kind of reactions that he would be getting when Mrs. Logan said, "I watch Jerry Springer. I just didn't know about you."

He knew that she wasn't trying to be mean or nasty but it made Daniel feel like he should be dating his brother who was an ex-convict whose former ex-biker-chick/ex-wife was his baby mama's new lover.

It was when she took his face in her hands and said, "You're too skinny. How do you expect to keep that boy without putting on some weight? Men like a woman with some meat on their bones." That Daniel decided that they needed to help her to her door as quickly as possible before he lost his nerve and went back to Jack's.

But before they were able to get her inside her door Mrs. Logan turned to him and Jack and said, "He's such a nice boy dear. Nice boys are hard to come by. You can bring him over when ever you like; he's such a catch!"

Daniel felt the heat on his face but he still said, "Shut up" to Jack before the man could say something. Given the big smile splitting his face in half, Daniel had no doubts that Jack had a comment or two rolling around in his skull.

He proceeded down to his own door and breathed in deeply a few times before he was able to pull out his key and unlock the door. He stared at the door and realized that once he walked through, that was that. All hope was gone, he'd most likely live out the rest of his life in a female body that he wasn't ready for.

Finally, he reached out for the doorknob and turned it. The door swung open and he stepped in.

He wasn't surprised to find Alex slumped over the kitchen counter bent over a bowl of cereal and sketching diligently on a big pad in front of him. Even at twenty-one the boy still wouldn't give up the habit of sketching, laying, and eating at the same time as he claimed that it helped him think.

"Hey," Alex said without looking up. "I ran out of money, and we need to do some shopping. I cleaned out most of the fridge. That pasta stuff you made before you left was good. We also need snacks. Oh, and I need to buy some supplies for school."

"That's fine." Daniel said in the new voice that he still wasn't used too.

The sketching stopped.

Daniel saw the immediate tension in Alex's body. Alex didn't particularly like meeting new people; and he knew that Daniel didn't bring home just anyone. Daniel felt the fear and tension grow exponentially as Alex turned and got his first sight of him. He hoped that the stress of the situation wouldn't be too much for Alex; a panic attack was the last thing Alex, or he, needed.

Alex fell back slightly against the counter while somehow managing not to fall off the stool.

"Wow." Alex said quietly.

Daniel clasped his hands in front of him as if trying to make a smaller target of himself and said, "I need to know that this is okay with you Alex?"

For the first time ever Daniel saw Alex speechless. Normally, he would have enjoyed the sight, but there was nothing funny about having to lie to him. Daniel took lying to anyone a very serious task indeed; having to lie to Alex was beyond reprehensible, but necessary.

"Wow." Alex said again. It was a few more moments before Alex was able to add, "Yeah, it's your life...I'm not going to tell you what to do."

Daniel walked forward towards Alex suddenly needing to touch him.

"I'm just going to put this stuff in you room," Jack said with a ruffle of the paper bags they'd been carrying.

Daniel didn't miss that Alex's eyes followed Jack from the door to the bedroom.

"Your boyfriend seems nice," Alex said as he finally turned to look at Daniel.

A bit uncomfortable Daniel noticed that like Jack, Alex was staring at his tits. Carefully, Alex reached out a finger and poked one. "There're real," He said in full realization. "You had them done."

"I love you," Daniel said firmly. "That hasn't changed."

"I don't expect it to," Alex said still in a bit of a daze. "I just, wow. Danny this is big.... So, he's worth it right?"

Daniel froze. He knew what Alex was implying. "This isn't about him. Right now you and I are talking about us."

Jack wandered back into the room and Daniel lowered his voice to a bare whisper.

"How do you feel Alex?"

Alex sat up on the stool and shrugged his shoulders. "If you're happy..." Alex looked at him a bit too closely. "Are you?"

"No," Daniel said easily. "I've been having a hard time since Phil died. I'm most certainly not happy."

Alex nodded and said, "I know. Me too."

Daniel reached out holding his arms out tentatively. He let Alex come to him. It was surprising to him that it still felt right when Alex held him and hugged back.

When they pulled apart Daniel couldn't seem to stop smiling.

"Well," he said as he wiped a stray tear away with a shaking hand. "What kind of disaster have you made of my home?"

"What about, umm?" Alex asked as he pointed towards the bedroom.

"Later," Daniel said as he began to gather up dirty dishes from the counter.

He turned away and started the long process of picking up after Alex. He tried to keep his back to the boy, but he knew that it would do no good. Alex was a trained artist. He'd immediately pick up on the drastically unexplainable differences between his body a few days ago and today. The most he could hope for was to push the conversation off for later. Or, at least until he was clam and collected enough to have the conversation without letting anything slip.

He turned quickly and headed off disaster when he heard Alex say, "Hi, I'm Alex. I'm Daniel's-"

"Friend, who is leaving," Daniel said quickly as he rushed out of the kitchen, past Jack and Alex.

He went straight for his desk and pulled out the credit card that had arrived the week before. He turned it over saying, "It's a gift card Visa, you have a thousand dollars on it. Why don't you go get those school supplies? And while you're at it, why don't you go to a movie."

"Sure," Alex said as he walked towards the bedroom.

Daniel tried to smile at Jack but it just felt awkward. He wasn't sure what Jack was thinking, and a part of him didn't care. If he'd had a choice in the matter, Jack wouldn't ever have found out about Alex's existence but it was far too late to rethink things.

"That's mine!" Jack said outraged as Alex walked out wearing Jack's leather jacket.

Daniel squeezed his eyes shut for a fraction of a second. He'd forgotten that he'd hung the clothes that Jack had left at his place the last time he'd come over.

"It's okay, Jack." Daniel said quietly.

"Isn't that my jacket?"

"Yes. Sorry. He found it in my closet. I meant to buy him a replacement so I could give it back to you, but I got a little sidetracked this week." Daniel turned to Alex and practically shoved him to the door. "Go and have fun."

"Sure," Alex said again, only this time he also added, "I'll call before I come home."

After more or less getting the kitchen into better shape Daniel opened the refrigerator. Why it constantly surprised him how much Alex could eat without ever bothering to replace anything always seemed to surprise Daniel. He shook his head as he surveyed the empty shelves.

"I can't believe that he ate the thousand year old block of cheese I had in there. And, the two bottles of ketchup."

"Growing boys!" Jack said noticeably emphasizing the 'boys' part.

Daniel closed the refrigerator and gave Jack a tired look. He knew what Jack thought, and it was getting old fast.

"I'm going to the market. Feel free to leave. I'm sure you have a mountain of work to do back home."

"Actually," Jack said walking up to Daniel. "I'm free all evening. I'd love to go to the grocery store with you, thanks for asking. And, what luck? My car is downstairs."

As Jack pulled out his keys and dangled them Daniel realized that he had left his car at the SGC. If he wanted dinner, he'd have to deal with Jack for just a little longer.

They were in the aisles of the supermarket before they knew it.

"So, Danny? I take it that-"

"I'll answer any question that doesn't involve Alex."

Jack leaned on the shopping cart and shut his trap.

It wasn't until the condiments aisle that he said, "Danny?"

"No, Jack."

"Well if-"

"And if you ever think to question him, I'll never forgive you. This is personal and I want it to stay that way."

"Okay." Jack said like a child.

It wasn't until the next aisle that the guilty stupid look overshadowed Jack's face.

"Danny... umm."

Daniel actually heard himself slam the bottle of balsamic vinegar into the car as he demanded, "What did you do?"

Jack flinched, pulled out a slip of paper, and handed it over to him.

Daniel saw Alex's name, driver's license number, and birth date scrawled in Jack's handwriting. He knew what Jack O'Neill was capable of. He wasn't expecting an answer when he felt his hands go to his hips as he demanded "And, what were you going to do with it?"

He wasn't shocked when Jack didn't answer. Jack wasn't stupid. But Daniel couldn't help the protective and paranoid instincts that had driven him to keep Alex's existence a secret start to kick in.

As he kept walking along mindlessly grabbing things off the shelves he realized that he was more than just a little scared. Alex getting hurt because of him was more than he could ever deal with, it would be unimaginable.

"What's that for?" Jack said finally speaking to him.

Daniel realized that he could lose Jack. He'd never really had Jack. But, he couldn't lose Alex. Whether with him or apart, Alex was the one constant in his life and the only person that really accepted him for who he was.

Eventually Daniel found enough of a voice to say, "I'm in the mood for pasta. I thought I'd make a Fettuccini Alfredo."

"Oh."

Daniel heard the unsaid part of that statement.

Before he could open his mouth to invite himself along Daniel said, "You're not invited, so don't ask."

"I'm hurt."

They really didn't talk much after that. That was how Daniel knew that he had hurt Jack.

~ ~ ~

He called Alex the second Jack walked out.

"But, you have company?"

"The company is gone. Come home. You and I need to talk."

"Be there in about forty."

Daniel wasn't horribly surprised when he looked up and realized that he'd started to cook. Cooking had always made him feel better, and true to form there was much more food at the end of the cooking session than either of them could eat in two sittings. The Fettuccini Alfredo, home made sour dough bread, and the sweet peas were for dinner. He left the meat loaf on the counter to cool so that Alex would have sandwiches for the next few days.

He'd finished putting the last cooking pot in the dishwasher when the heard the front door.

"Great!" He heard Alex shout out. "You cooked; I'd hoped you would."

"Sit," Daniel commanded as he began spooning their dinner onto their plates.

The bread was already on the table. He wasn't surprised when he walked into the dining area and found Alex buttering a thick slab of bread for himself. Alex would never touch store-bought, only homemade bread. Even though there was pasta on the table, the boy still made himself a butter sandwich and sliced it per the sandwich schedule.

Daniel set a plate in front of Alex and then put his own down before sitting.

With a mouthful of half-chewed bread Alex said, "So this Jack guy, he's the Jack you work with right?"

Daniel twirled his fork in his pasta as he nodded.

"He's military." Alex said easily.

"Is there a question there?"

"No. Just another interesting part of the Daniel puzzle, that's all. You haven't exactly been the same since you came back after your year long sabbatical."

Alex emphasized the word sabbatical. His anger at Daniel's disappearance as fresh as it usually was, and as easily cracked open.

"We're not talking about that Alex," Daniel said as he looked up sharply at the boy.

"Right," Alex said with a nod. "We're talking about how yesterday you were a guy and today you've got great tits, have lost what? Forty pounds, mostly muscle. Your jaw and lips are a different shape. You're hands and feet are smaller, your nose is smaller, your ears are smaller, your hips are wider, and I'll be that mister winkie doesn't live down there anymore."

Daniel looked up annoyed.

Alex smiled before forking a huge load of pasta into his mouth and slurping it up.

"You've got better table manners than that," Daniel said quietly. He stared down at his still untouched pasta. He closed his eyes and said, "I can't tell you. All I can tell you is-"

"Pixie dust," Alex said for him. "You're clumsy. You spilled some pixie dust and now you're stuck."

Daniel swallowed a hard smile. Reluctantly he said, "Yeah, pixie dust."

"So," Alex said as he reached for his bread so he could sop it around the sides of his pasta. "Tell me about this Jack guy. Is he worthy?"

"Alex-"

"Because the last guy that looked at you like that was that Steven guy, and he was an asshole."

"You only met him once."

"I have to meet someone more than once to know they're an asshole? I just want to make sure that he deserves you."

"Jack and I are friends," Daniel said carefully as he tried to keep the pain out of his voice. "We've been friends for a long time and-"

"You love him." Alex finished for him.

"It doesn't matter if I do or don-"

"You do. Does he love you? Or, is he one of those idiots that can't see how great you are?"

Daniel sat quietly as he studied Alex. "What ever you're thinking," he said to Alex quietly. "Jack O'Neill is off limits. You aren't allowed to badger him, talk to him... In fact, I don't think that I want you here when he comes over at all."

"Since I've been wearing his clothes for a week and never knew it, I think that it's safe to say that you have him over when I'm not around anyway."

Daniel caught the tone.

"Listen you little shit," Daniel sat up straighter. "We're team mates. He left those clothes here so he could change when he needed to."

"What kind of team?"

"He and I aren't lovers." Daniel said ignoring his last question. "He doesn't know that I'm bi."

Alex just slumped back in his seat.

"He's regular military, Alex. If he finds out it could end our friendship or strain our working relationship."

"And... the team," Alex added with a bit of smile. "Because we sure wouldn't want you to come home in more pieces than you usually do."

Daniel had to smile. Damn! The boy was good. He'd already read more into the conversation that Daniel wanted him to know.

Daniel turned his attention to the pasta still twirled around his fork. He put it in his mouth and chewed so that he'd have something to draw his attention away from Alex and his prying. Eating was good, he could keep his hands busy with a knife and fork.

"He keeps you safe, right? I mean, this guy's never tried to hurt you...right?"

Daniel looked up surprised. He saw that Alex was serious. Daniel swallowed quickly and said, "Jack would never hurt me, Alex."

"But you're scared that he'll find out that you're sometimes into guys."

"No," Daniel said simply. "I'm scared that I might lose him in my life. He's... well he's kind of a pain in the ass, but he's also my best friend. I trust him."

"But he doesn't know about me."

"That's because-"

"I know. Security."

"No," Daniel said simply. "That's because I want to protect you and I'm willing to do anything to ensure that. Even if that means lying to my friends. The only person at work that knows about you is General Hammond; he's the only person who needs to know."

CHAPTER 4 - OPPOSITES ATTRACT

For some mind boggling reason that Daniel could never figure out Phil loved to push Mrs. Brown's buttons, while the pair of them strived to outdo the other. Like the year that Phil had bought her that can of mustache wax and had poor Alex deliver it to her with a note that said, 'A nice plush beard like that deserves a little styling.' Alex was banned from dessert for a year, courtesy of Heir Fuhrer. Mrs. Brown retaliated by sneaking into Phil's office while he was asleep and shaving one of his bushy eyebrows off. So Phil went out stole her driver's license so he could blow the picture up to poster size and nail it up on the side of Crandon House that faced a busy intersection, then she went out and replaced the banana skins in his tobacco can with a rotten fish that stank up his office. Phil in turn went out and put up caution tape and quarantine signs all around her cafeteria. Her reply entailed throwing a meat cleaver three inches into his office door which skewered a short love note to him which consisted of only two words 'You're next' written in what looked like blood.

Yeah, the lunatics really did run the asylum in that place!

Several full grown men tried to pull the meat cleaver out, but they just couldn't. That meat cleaver lived in that door for a full two years, because new doors were low priority on Crandon House's list of things to buy. Mrs. Brown was rumored to have been a knife thrower with Ringling Brothers, Barnum, and Bailey. Phil corrected those rumors by pointing out that the Gestapo taught knife throwing skills to their assassins, to which Mrs. Brown let it be known that she wasn't German and that her parents were of Irish descent, and then Phil cried out that Crandon House had been infiltrated by the IRA!

It never ended with them. The entire thing just went around in circles as they constantly tried to outdo each other and get the better of one another.

Daniel reached back into the box and picked up the box-framed meat cleaver that she'd buried in the door. The bloody note was still tacked behind the meat cleaver. Daniel always thought that it was an odd thing to give his wife for their first year anniversary, but then Phil had been one of a kind. Only Phil would run out and marry the Culinary Gestapo; and stay married to her for twenty some odd years. Only Phil would have adopted Alex and treated them both like sons. Only Phil....

He swallowed the lump in his throat and finished sorting through the box and put aside all the framed things that he wanted to keep, piled up the frames that needed to be taken apart and the pictures salvaged, and then formed a dubious pile of pictures that he was unsure of what to do with or rather was unsure of what would be appropriate.

Alex walked out of the kitchen with a meatloaf sandwich.

Before he took a bite he said, "That noodle stuff you made doesn't taste as good as the last one you made. What gives?"

Daniel's head snapped up. "You better not have been sticking your fingers in the food!"

"My hands are clean!"

Daniel ran around the couch to grab him, but Alex was already half-way to the bedroom.

"Get your ass out the door!" Daniel howled. "I want you gone in the next three minutes!"

"Don't worry!" Came a reply.

Daniel hid as many of the picture frame piles as he could. There was room under the coffee table and under the end tables. When everything looked presentable enough he went to the kitchen to make sure that the noodle salad was okay.

For a moment he was tempted to throw it out and start over, but he knew he didn't have the time.

Alex came out of the bedroom with his back pack.

"I bought condemns," Alex shouted into the kitchen on his way out the door.

"Good for you." Daniel said.

"There in the nightstand next to the big tube of lube. I got the good stuff too. The guy at the store assured me that it was primo stuff, could give you just enough slip to get a watermelon through a doughnut without breaking a crumb!"

Daniel walked out of the kitchen and just looked at Alex smiling by the door.

"Hey," Alex said happily. "You never know."

"Out," Daniel huffed.

~ ~ ~

Lunch was supposed to be an 'I'm sorry I hurt you Jack' type of event. But it didn't feel like that at all.

He even brought the wine that Daniel liked; and Daniel couldn't help but smile.

As he turned and walked towards the kitchen he said, "Thank you, this will go great with the chicken. I made the barbeque breasts that you liked so much the last time."

When there was no response he turned and said, "Jack?"

"Yeah," Jack said snapping out of it and walking in farther.

"Did you hear me?"

"No, sorry. I've been a bit preoccupied today." Jack came into the kitchen with him. "Something I can help with?"

"No," Daniel said pouring ranch dressing over the salad at the counter.

Daniel didn't particularly love Ranch, but he knew that Jack sure did.

"This isn't the first time I've seen you this distracted Jack. Is everything okay? Usually, I'm the one that's got his head in the clouds." Daniel said as he quickly tossed the baby greens that Jack had never complained about eating.

"I'm fine. I've just got lots on my mind right now."

"Come on," Daniel said picking up the bowl. "We'll have a nice quiet lunch and you can try to not think so hard." Daniel couldn't help but smile.

"Oh, that was funny?"

"I just don't often have to tell you not to think. Isn't it usually the other way around?" Daniel said as he walked to the table.

Barbeque chicken breasts, noodle salad [which according the bottomless food pit tasted funny], broccoli, and organic nine-grain flat bread sat on the table. Daniel knew that Jack had forgiven him for being an ass when he sat down and started to dig in.

But, he saw Jack freeze the moment he tasted the noodles. Then Jack seemed to analyze the broccoli just a bit closer. Daniel wasn't sure how the steamed without butter, oil, or salt would go over.

Daniel got his answer when Jack said, "This isn't a criticism, but-"

"You'll laugh if I tell you, so don't ask." Daniel said quickly as he cut his chicken breast into small pieces.

"Try me," Jack said seriously as he leaned back.

Daniel looked up and said, "I can't eat the way I used to." Daniel exhaled and met Jack's eyes. "I bought a pair of slacks last Thursday. I was going to wear them to work on my first day back. I went to try them on and they didn't fit right."

Daniel saw Jack's lip twitch. "You think you're fat?"

"I didn't say that."

"That's what you implied."

"No, I said that my pants didn't fit right."

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did."

"Not."

"Did."

"Women's clothes fit different then men's, okay." Daniel insisted. "If I'd known how hard this would be I'd never walked into that damn room!"

Suddenly, everything was far too quiet. Daniel stared down at his plate and realized that the outburst had been the wrong thing to say.

"I've ruined lunch." He said quietly

"No." Jack insisted. "This is healthy. I'm your friend, you're supposed to be able to count on me to help you talk about things. You need to vent. Venting is good; glad I could help."

After another moment Jack asked, "Why did you walk into that room?"

Daniel looked away. He knew what Jack was really asking. He knew that he couldn't bring himself to say the words, and so he remained silent.

"See," Jack said as he played with the noodles on his plate. "I know this person who is a great archeologist. He's the best at his job that there is. And I think that a part of the reason why he's so good is because he's extremely curious, and he's able to think outside of the military box that I'm locked into of most of the time."

Daniel didn't dare move as the words washed over him.

"I think that he would have gone in there no matter what, just to know what was there. And, I would have gone in there no matter what, just so I could protect him. We were doing what we were born to do, what we're really good at; we're lucky that way, doing what we love with people we love."

As Jack's voice trailed off Daniel realized just how much he had needed to hear them.

"I think that's the nicest most amazing thing that you've ever said to me, or to anyone."

"Well," Jack said in his usual way. "You know me; full of compliments and kindness."

"You mean piss and vinegar," Daniel said quickly

Jack began to smile as he looked up, "Feeling better, are we?"

"A friend cheered me up," Daniel said with a smile.

"Good."

"So," Jack said after picking at his lunch a bit more. "You remembered that exhibit you threatened to take me to a few months back?"

"I'm not ready Jack." Daniel said as he poured them both iced tea. "Besides, I have a lot of work to do. The artifacts from P4X3214 contain quite a few very complicated translations. If I'm going to have them for the General on Monday...."

"Oh, you're going into work?"

Daniel suddenly went quiet and still; he knew Jack would push.

"I see, so if you aren't going to be on base at 0500 you can spare an afternoon."

"Jack," Daniel said as he thought just how much he didn't want to be around Jack. He was being too nice; and Daniel didn't feel the misery of Phil's passing quite so strongly.

"Because I know how badly you wanted to see that exhibit, and I'm both available and willing to take you." There was a pause before Jack added, "I'll even take you to that 'raw we hate beer place' afterward. We'll call it a treat for taking a big risk."

Daniel pushed his broccoli with his fork a bit, but said nothing. What was the choice? Stay in and keep going through Phil's boxes, or spend the day with a beautiful, thoughtful, and amazing man.

Jack reached out and poked Daniel gently in the side. Daniel ignored him.

The next time Jack poked him in the side he hit the secret tickle place and Daniel had to squirm away.

"So, you're ticklish," Jack said with a smile as he cracked his knuckles dramatically.

"Don't you dare," Daniel said firmly. Then he let out a slight breath and said, "Okay, I'll go. I don't know why, but I'll go."

~ ~ ~

Jack was better at the museum than Daniel might have imagined. He asked questions, let him talk, and even tried to pretend that he wasn't paying attention. But, Daniel knew better.

"The ennobling force of the great knights," Jack to an etching in the Courtly Love display.

As Jack leaned over the etching, Daniel couldn't help it when he walked up next to his long body and said "Something to be said for loving a person with all your heart, even if it isn't physical, or returned; they loved well and chastely them that loved their shinning knight."

"You mean romanticism," Jack said the display. "Rousseau."

It was like seeing Dr. J. O. Nathan, PhD coming to life in front of him as Jack said, "Jean-Jacques Rousseau, the noble savage. Don't look so damn surprised." Jack demanded,"I am capable of reading."

"You are! You can? You didn't tell me that!"

"Shut up," Jack obviously hiding both a grin and a blush as he began to walk away.

"Hold on," Daniel said catching up to him.

He grabbed on to Jack's arm and held it.

"Talk to me, where did you read about Rousseau and how much do you know?"

"Nothing. I know nothing of worth."

"Great, now, how about talking to me?"

Jack looked uncomfortable but eventually said, "Okay, once and only once. And, only because I know you're depressed and need something to cheer you up."

Jack seemed to brace himself, "Rousseau was born in Geneva in 1712. He was an educator and a novelist. His novel Émile was the most ground breaking book on education written in the Western world since Plato's Republic. He also wrote about liberty, equality, government, politics, romanticism, nature, and in my opinion was the first person that really understood what a social contract was is in its truest sense of the word. The book he wrote titled -oddly enough- Social Contract, I found to be trite; but then the only thing that I really found in common with Rousseau was his love of nature. His politics in my opinion were hokey; he was an idealistic socialist sap."

Daniel just stared.

Jack leaned in and said, "Satisfied; and if you tell anyone what I just said, I'll deny it with every ounce of strength."

"Wow, you think he was an idealist?" Daniel said, scarcely believing it.

"He was over-sensitive, romantic, and a moron."

Normally, he would have sold his soul to be able to have this kind of a conversation with Jack O'Neil. But the topic was hitting far too close to home.

When Daniel was finally able to speak he said, "What's wrong with that? We're all that at one point or another."

Jack huffed. "He wallowed in teary sentimentality and longing that got him nothing but questionable mental health. It was a waste of-

"Hey," Jack said taking Daniel's tense shoulders. "What is it? Did I say something wrong?"

He felt hollowed out and weak as he said, "No."

Daniel almost didn't even feel it when Jack wrapped his arm around him and led him away. When he bothered to look up Daniel realized that Jack had taken him out of the museum and into a small park just outside. Jack sat them at a bench under a large shady tree still holding on to him. Daniel was leaned back against him grateful that Jack hadn't let go.

Daniel waited until he was sure his voice wouldn't crack as he said, "Nyan lied. I think he did it on purpose."

Daniel crossed his leg in so that his body came in closer to Jack as he leaned his head on the man's shoulder. He needed to feel the warmth of the long, hard body next to him. Even if it was just for a few minutes he wanted the comfort that only Jack could give him.

It was almost too much when he felt Jack reach up and stroke his hair once as he asked, "What did he lie about?"

"I saw the translations that he brought back of that room. The writing was in the language of the Ancients. Ideograms represent ideas or sounds."

"String them together," Jack said for him. "And you get words. Form complex combinations and you have a language. I do pay attention... sometimes."

Daniel smiled as he looked up to meet Jack's eyes.

"The trick to translation is to pick the right meaning to assign to each ideogram so that you arrive at the right meaning."

"So your boy fudged with the translation." Jack said. "Why?"

Daniel hesitated for a moment but eventually he said, "He didn't want to embarrass me."

Jack pulled away enough to be able to look at him. "What was it Danny?"

Jack wasn't stupid; and Daniel knew that he couldn't him all of it. He felt the tears in his eyes as he said, "A wish. On the altar there was a stretch of writing that clearly gave a message. Nyan changed it a bit to say, Acknowledge worship here and thee will be given hope."

Jack was silent and gave him the room to finish saying.

"A nice sounding proverb and it sheds no light on what happened until you realize that the word ach-et can mean an acknowledgement or a confession. Hidei can mean hope or a wish. Ix is a tricky one. It usually means some form of strong emotion, depending on how it's used in the sentence it can mean worship, love, hate, or even of the heart. Change those two words and the entire syntax changes."

Daniel caught himself and forced himself to stop lecturing so he could say, "Confess thy heart here and thy wish be granted."

As Daniel stared off at the trees of the small park he felt Jack stare at him as he said, "When I translated the words to myself I thought it was funny; like a wishing well. I put my hands down on it and I made a wish."

"Did you ask to be made a woman?" It was a question that was stated non-threateningly and with respect.

Daniel shook his head. "It's kind of like asking the universe to make you rich and then being buried alive under gold bricks."

It might have been funny if it hadn't been he that was caught under the bricks.

Hesitantly Jack said, "I don't suppose..."

"No reverse button so far." Daniel said easily, remembering why he'd left Jack's house to meet with Alex.

Daniel rested his head against Jack again. This time he wanted to stay there against him.

"Okay, this is going to sound stupid and insensitive."

Daniel laughed through the tears that were falling easily from his eyes. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

"It could be worse. You're," Jack seemed to hesitate for a moment. "You're beautiful, soft, and you've got a great body. You know... for a chick." There was a pause before Jack added, "If you like that kind of thing."

There was another silence.

Jack was the first to speak when he asked, "I won't ask what you wished for-"

"Something I'll never have." Daniel replied as he sat up from Jack and wiped his face. "No sense in crying about it." Daniel sniffed and looked up at Jack as he said, "I thought you were going to take me to that place I liked that you hated more than anything else in the world?"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine," Daniel said with a small smile. When the smile faded away he seriously said, "I really want to have a nice day with you. Let's just go and have some dinner."

Just dinner. Yeah! Just. A four letter word that often starts trouble.

When spoken It's as if you've opened your arms and are allowing the universe to crap on you. At least, that's what Daniel felt he did. And when Jack leaned in and said,"Today's been good right? You feel like I've done a lot for you, right?"

"Ugh, yes."

"Good," Jack said with a smile as he lowered his voice. "Because my ex-wife and her new boyfriend are coming this way and you're my new hotty girlfriend who's completely in love with me."

Daniel turned and there was Sara O'Neill. He'd seen her once in passing at the hospital when the crystalline entity came across the gate and jumped right into Jack's life. Other than that he'd only ever seen her in the photos that Jack had at his house. A few pictures of Sara could still be found around there, especially in the really special family photos that highlighted Charlie's life for Jack.

Jack stood just as a man with jet black hair walked up to their table. "Hey Hank. It's been a long time."

"Yeah, Jack it has. " The man said easily as he eyed Daniel.

Daniel felt uncomfortable for a moment, he couldn't decide if he was being leered at or sized up. He decided not to decide as he stood close to Jack to greet the man.

"Well," Sara said nicely. "Who's your friend Jack?"

"Dani- Danielle Jackson this is Hank Lobber and Sara O'Neill. Hank, Sara, this is Danielle."

"Nice to meet you," Hank said as he shook Daniel's hand.

Daniel didn't miss the fact that the man's thumb stoked his hand for the two seconds that they made contact.

"Hank," Daniel said casually as he pulled his hand away and decided that it had been a leer.

Hesitantly, Daniel reached out to shake Sara's hand. She seemed hesitant too, but they shook.

Hank and Sara sat for the drink that Hank insisted that he owed to Jack. With one look Daniel knew just how unhappy Jack was and Daniel couldn't blame him.

The boys seemed to team up on one side of the table talking. When Daniel looked up he saw Sara looking intently at him.

"So," Sara said. "How did you two wind up in here? This isn't Jack's usual."

Daniel smiled. "I've been a little down in the dumps. Jack wanted to cheer me up. It's not exactly a large pizza and beer but he was good about it."

"Was?" Sara said catching the word. "You've been here before?"

Daniel felt his face flush and for a moment he felt as if he was in an interrogation room, "He brought me here to cheer me up today. Before it was just a team lunch."

"You've been crying," Sara said easily as she leaned in looking into his face.

"Yes," Daniel said looking away. "There are just so many wonderful things going on in my life."

Daniel heard his phone ring and felt it vibrate at once. He reached just under his blouse where it was clipped onto his pants. He saw Nyan's office number and excused himself.

He walked towards the bathroom as he answered it.

"Hold on Nyan," He said quickly as he walked through the busy restaurant.

At the bathrooms he actually had to stop. A man walked out of the men's bathroom and leered at him and he felt a tight knot in the pit of his stomach. Female, not male, he reminded himself as he opened the ladies room door. Inside he checked under the stalls and didn't see any legs.

He brought the phone up and said, "Go ahead."

"I got your notes."

"The north section wall, Nyan. Was there anything there?"

"No, Daniel. I'm sorry. The text was more of the same." He heard Nyan's voice trail off. After a slight pause he said, "I'm sorry."

"Thank you for trying, Nyan. Goodnight." He said in the most conversational tone he could manage.

Daniel bit his lip and realized that he was now very much stuck. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, but there it was.

He turned and walked into a stall. He used the facilities while trying not to think too hard about his body. Of course the more he tried not to think about it the more he did. He looked down and realized that it just looked wrong on him to have that empty space there. He hadn't even been able to bring himself up to masturbate since it happened. Nineteen days was the longest that he'd ever gone in his adult life without touching himself in some way, and he was sure that he didn't want to think about that too much.

He finished, pulled up his clothes, and struggled with the zipper at the back of his pants. They looked nice, but he found out quickly that they were a pain for him to zip up and down. He walked to the sink and looked in the mirror. Daniel washed his hands in the stream of cold water as Sara walked out of a stall.

"Are you okay?" Sara asked quickly.

"Yes," Daniel said far more easily than he'd liked. "It was just bad news from work."

He bent down into the sink and splashed water onto his face until he felt a little better. When he opened his eyes Sara was holding out paper towel for him.

"Thank you," Daniel said as he took it and wiped his face.

"What do you do? Stewardess, waitress, masseur?"

Daniel smiled for lack of anything else to do. He'd seen looks like this on women before, but he usually wasn't talking to them at the time.

"Actually," Daniel said somehow managing to feel a little inept. "I'm an archeologist. My specialty is in Middle Eastern cultures with emphasis on Egyptology, anthropological studies and linguistics. That's how Jack and I met actually."

Sara smiled too sweetly to actually trust. "I wasn't aware that he had any interests in archeology."

Daniel turned and threw the wet paper towel away.

"He doesn't," Daniel said easily. "We met at work. I'm a civilian consultant."

"Oh," was all that Sara said, and then she just stared.

Daniel felt very awkward he wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not but he said, "I really care a lot about Jack, you know? He's a good friend."

"Friend." Sara repeated unflinching and unmoving.

Daniel had nothing more he could add so he turned towards the door to walk out.

"How long have you known him?" She asked before he could take more than three steps away.

"Since just after Charlie's death."

Sara turned and fully faced Daniel. "I wasn't aware that Jack spoke to anyone about that."

"He doesn't. Not really. He's my best friend. But there are things that neither of us will ever be able to tell the other. We've both been to hell and back," Daniel looked away as he realized the full truth of that statement. "The only nice thing is that the past few years we've taken that fucking trip together, so we've had someone to talk to. It's," Daniel wasn't sure what to say other than, "very hard, but it's nice to have people we can trust standing next to us."

Sara leaned back on the sink and softly said, "You're one of his people."

Daniel tried to slip his hands into his pockets but quickly realized that the damn pants he was wearing didn't have any. He wasn't sure if it could be used against Jack or not if he answered in the affirmative, after all he was not the official unofficial hotty girlfriend.

"Good," Sara finally said. "He wouldn't talk to me. Sometimes I wasn't sure if it was because he couldn't, or because he just didn't want to. At least with you he has half a chance at responding when you ask what's wrong."

Daniel smiled and replied, "Oh, but then there's all that O'Neill bravado that you have get past."

Sara returned the smile as she turned to wash her hands. Still watching Daniel through the mirror she said, "Jack's the kind of person that you have to take as is." Sara dried her hands before she walked over and said, "Just take care of him,okay? I worry about him; sometimes he just seems to be spinning his wheels and that's just not healthy for him."

"I don't know what might or might not happen between Jack and me, but I do know that I'm always going to be his friend. Jack has friends, we love him, and we do take care of our own."

"Good." Sara said with a smile.

As she made to pass Daniel grabbed her arm. The second she looked at him she had second thoughts. But finally he said, "I think your boyfriend might have been trying to make a pass at me."

"The thumb thing?" Sara said easily.

Daniel just nodded.

"Oh, I saw that. Don't worry, I have absolutely no emotional investment in the man, I'm just using him for sex."

CHAPTER 5 – WAKING UP TO REALITY

Daniel lay on his side and stared at Jack's profile. The morning light was just starting to break through the darkness of night. In his room morning always came in filtered through the gauze curtains that he always kept drawn so that the light wouldn't hurt his eyes in the early morning. The barest hint of light now took Jack's face from senseless shadow to peaks and valleys of familiar definition.

He smiled and wished that he could preserve the moment, but he knew that it wouldn't last. Jack was always up with the crack of dawn. Soon he'd wake up, realize what a mistake last night had been and he'd be gone.

Daniel swallowed hard and slipped out of bed as carefully as he could. He immediately found that he hurt... a wonderful reminder of what they had done not too long ago.

He smiled as he walked to the closet; even in the dark he knew where he'd put all of Jack's clothes. He pulled out a worn pair of jeans and a shirt; he'd left those the last time he'd come over for barbeque wings and wound up greasy and sauce smeared. That night he'd gone home wearing Daniel's clothes and left his own behind. Jack's socks and a change of underwear were in the top right hand drawer; Daniel had taken them home by mistake when he'd stayed over at Jack's one night after having drunk far too much. Jack's sneakers were a pair that Jack had lent Daniel on base after a particularly awful mission; at the beginning before Daniel had known enough to keep extra clothes in his locker.

As he laid the things out on the bed the sudden cruelty of the thing hit him. He'd always taken the Ancients as a peaceful and benevolent race, but this was beyond anything that the Goa'uld had ever thought up. Daniel willingly put his hands on that altar. In a low whisper so that only he could barely make out and so that the man walking the perimeter of the room couldn't pick up, he'd said it out to the universe, "I want Jack O'Neill." The rock appeared over Jack. Daniel tried to knock him out of the way and woke up a woman.

The moment, the second, the infinitesimal moment in time when he'd first felt Jack inside of him the way he'd been dreaming about it had all fallen apart. He'd felt it. He'd felt his body betraying him as it went from female to male in the worst possible moment. The second Jack's fingers had brushed his prostate he knew for sure that it would all go to hell.

By God the man knew how to touch, he knew how to make him want, how to make him beg. Daniel had bitten his lip to keep from making a sound. When he knew it would fail and Jack had changed his angle, Daniel had bitten the pillow and held his breath. He dreaded moaning or screaming in what he knew would be a man's voice. Damn the bastard for fucking harder, deeper, and faster. He'd held it for as long as he could until Daniel thought he'd die from what was building inside of him.

As if he'd been burnt, Jack had dropped him. When the light went on he'd felt his mind leak away. He thought that Jack would pound on him, beat him senseless. Instead, he'd fucked Daniel lovely. His ears still rang from the things that Jack had said; filthy things that had made him beg for more... even now.

Daniel stepped away from the bed, hating the Ancients for what they'd done to him. To have heaven so close and then have it ripped away was the definition of being cast into hell. That's where he was now, where he'd be from now on if he had to continue to deal with Jack O'Neill after this night. Before, he didn't know. It was just something that he thought about, now he'd get to spend the rest of his life knowing exactly what he couldn't have.

Daniel wandered into the bathroom and hoped that Jack would be up and gone before he came out. He turned the light on and looked into the mirror. It didn't surprise him too much that his right ear, which Jack had been sucking and biting on all night long, was black and blue. His neck was covered in dark hickies. He could feel the sticky lube and semen down his legs to his ankles.

He turned the water on and made sure that it was nice and hot before stepping inside the stall. He stood in the spray trying to forget.

Instead he heard, "You filthy little whore! If you want me to fuck you, stick ass up higher!"

"Is that what you wanted?"

"Yes," Daniel answered as he grabbed himself and began stroking the way that he liked best.

"Dirty little bitch! Whore! Agh... Give it!"

Daniel began bucking into his fist faster and faster as he tightened his sphincter muscles loving the radiating pain that Jack had created there. The pain spread through him and it made his knees weak to think about how it felt to have Jack buried inside of him. His hands moved faster until he came and involuntarily sunk down to his knees.

He bent over and tried to catch his breath. He reached down and gently touched himself. He felt his sphincter muscles twitch with his first prodding touch. It was enough to make a sharp gasp break out of him.

He refused to give in. Instead, he sucked it up and buried it deep inside.

He finished his shower with the efficiency and lack of thought that his military association had showed him. He brushed his teeth, shaved and toweled off without a single conscious thought. But, it ended when he opened the bathroom door and found that Jack hadn't roused, hadn't moved, and was still asleep.

Daniel immediately turned off the bathroom light and went to dress. He found the most comfortable clothes that he had and slipped into them, hoping to find some comfort. He knew that there was none to be had, and he received none.

He left the room quietly as he wondered just how much worse it could get.

Two steps out of his bedroom the universe answered as Alex said, "Boy, I guess the pixie dust wore off."

Daniel felt his face crumble. When he looked up, he shook his head and said, "No."

He wandered into the kitchen and set about making breakfast. There was still sourdough sitting in the refrigerator. All it needed was to rise and then to bake. Daniel tried hard to lose himself in the process as he un-wrapped the dough, oiled the pan, and placed the dough inside. He covered the pan with a tea towel and preheated the oven.

"Are you okay?" Alex said slowly.

"Fine," Daniel said as he reached in the refrigerator for all the omelet fixings that he'd need later. He bent over too quickly and winced hard.

"Shit," Alex said under his breath. "Did he hurt you? Son-of-a-bitch!"

"You go near that room!" Daniel said far louder than he'd meant too. He calmed himself down and said, "And, I will never forgive you."

"Daniel?" Alex said from somewhere behind him.

Daniel finished gathering the things that he would need. He closed the refrigerator with a bump of his hip and turned to set the things in his hands down on the counter.

"I'm fine," Daniel said carefully.

"No you're not." Alex said very tensely.

"What do you want Alex?" Daniel said, already feeling his patience running out.

"How about the truth?"

"Truth," Daniel repeated as he wondered if there was such a creature. "What's that Alex? You want me to tell you that he fucked me within an inch of my life last night and that I'd give anything for him to do it again? Is that truth? Because right now the only truth I'm looking at is that I'm back to being what I was before and as soon as he wakes up he's gone!"

Daniel swallowed hard as he realized that he'd just admitted too much.

"I just lost everything."

Alex was quiet for a moment, his thought clearly show casting themselves across his face. "Did he fuck you as a chick, as a guy, or as both?"

Daniel suddenly found the egg carton on the counter to be innumerably fascinating.

"Well," Alex said easily. "I've got news for you. Straight guys, they don't usually spend the night screaming out another guy's name while they fuck said guy."

Daniel heard one of the kitchen counter's stools dragged out.

"I think that maybe this guy isn't as stupid as some of the other losers that have come around. Maybe this one will see how amazing you really are? And, if he doesn't-"

"You won't be here. You will be else where." Daniel turned back to the refrigerator and pulled out the leftover meatloaf and other necessities for an Alex type of sandwich. "You won't have a single damn thing to do with him because whatever happens I still have to work with him."

Daniel dumped everything on the counter. He opened the breadbox and pulled out the leftover sourdough. He sliced the bread thickly for three sandwiches using up all of the bread.

"Extra mustard and pickles," Alex suggested.

"As if I'd forget," Daniel said easily as he sliced the onions.

Tomato, meatloaf, lettuce, pickles, extra mustard in the proper order on thickly sliced bread. Daniel put the first sandwich in front of Alex and went back to finish the rest of the sandwiches.

Alex pushed the plate back towards him as he said, "This is Saturday, sliced in half please, horizontally." Alex just smiled in that perfect little way of his. "Sunday, sandwiches are sliced vertically, Monday upper right to lower right, Tuesdays upper left to lower left, Wednesdays in four perfect squares, Thursdays is two vertical cuts day, and Friday is whole sandwich day."

Daniel looked up at him annoyed and said, "I know the sandwich schedule." Daniel cut the sandwich and pushed it back towards him. "Maybe I was just hoping that you'd learn how to work a knife on your own. Now, finish eating. I want you gone."

Daniel didn't miss that Alex was chewing and smiling hard at the same time.

"Alright, what?" Daniel demanded.

"Nothing," Alex said slowly. "I'm just wondering why you want me gone so quickly. You wore him out. He'll be sleeping for a while yet."

"Smart-ass," Daniel muttered as he put two sandwiches in Alex's lunch bag. He threw in two apples, two baggies of washed miniature carrots, and two bottles of water. Nine times out of ten the carrots weren't eaten, but Daniel could hope.

"So," Alex said as he picked up the remaining half of his meatloaf sandwich that he hadn't swallowed yet. "I'm not going to be coming home again without first calling."

Alex walked away from the counter with his sandwich in hand.

In a cupboard Daniel found a big bag of vegetable potato chips; the closest that he could sometimes come to getting Alex to eat veggies. He opened the junk drawer and found a big black marker. He wrote, "Pisser" on the bag.

"I'm sure that you'll both find something to do in the mean time." Alex said before tearing into the sandwich again as he arrived back at the counter. Daniel watched Alex shove the remaining piece of his sandwich in his mouth and then opened his backpack and stuffed his lunch bag inside.

Daniel threw the big bag of vegetable chips at the open bag. Alex read what was written on and gave him a meatloafy smile.

"Out," Daniel said easily before turning away.

It was after Alex left that the panic returned again. He tried to ignore it as he chopped the meat and vegetables for the omelet. He left the eggs on the counter until they reached room temperature and he checked the bread. It would be a while before it rose enough to bake.

Daniel glanced at the clock on the microwave. He swallowed hard as he realized that Jack would be up soon. The man never slept past six.

Daniel walked out of the kitchen and turned on the living room lights. He spent the next hour going through the rest of Phil's things, sorting out what he was going to keep, and what needed to be donated.

At six forty he punched down the bread and set it aside. At seven fifteen he cut slits on the top of it and put in the oven to bake. At seven thirty-six he paced in the kitchen wondering why Jack was still asleep. A little after the eight Daniel heard the water in the bathroom running.

He quickly began cracking eggs and beating them. The smell of fresh baked bread filled the kitchen but it didn't seem to calm him down. He set bacon to frying, and began sautéing the vegetables and meat for Jack's omelet. He was flipping the omelet to cook on its other side when the water in the bathroom went off. He let it sit while he found the plate and utensils. He set out the glass and orange juice. He served up the omelet. He checked the bread quickly and found a spark of happiness when he realized that it was golden and perfect.

It was as he was reaching for the oven mitts that he realized that the bedroom door had just opened. It was as he began slicing the bread that he realized that he didn't have the apple jelly that Jack liked and the thought hurt.

"Your omelet is going to get cold," Daniel said to the bread. He set the bread out and buttered it for him. "I don't have any jelly," Daniel said extremely upset.

Remembering that security was probably now a serious matter to contend with, and probably the only thing that they had to say to one another he said. "I was going to go out before you woke up but I was afraid someone would see me. Alex saw me."

Daniel felt the panic begin to well up inside of him. "He thinks I've been caught up in some kind of military experiment; I didn't say anything. He's smart enough to keep his mouth shut, so don't worry."

"Daniel?" He heard Jack say and before the speech could begin Daniel felt the panic flare up.

"I'll go," Daniel said quickly. "I'll go and get the jelly. It's not far; I can walk."

He did his best to leave but Jack caught him and held him tightly. Daniel fought at first, but it quickly died. He just wanted to stay in Jack's arms. He stayed there against Jack's chest smelling him in until he felt calm, his breath even.

"What happened? Please God, tell me what happened." Jack said into his hair.

Muffled against Jack's chest he said, "I got my wish."

"Your wish." Jack repeated. "You wished for me?"

Daniel went deadly still.

He was amazed that Jack's voice was as steady as it was when he said, "And the moment that you got me the effects of the wish were taken away and Danielle became Daniel again."

"I'm sorry," Daniel howled out. "I tried to trick you. I'm so, so, sorry Jack. I took advantage of you. And, I 'm sorry."

He felt Jack shudder.

Daniel felt ill. He had tried to keep Jack's interests on him even though he knew that he was a man; he'd tried to trick the one person in the world that he loved more than anything and the thought hurt.

"I feel like I raped you last night." He heard Jack say.

Daniel shook his head. That wasn't what he wanted to hear.

Then Jack said, "Imagine how I feel. It was the best sex of my life."

Daniel pulled away slightly. His left hand covered his mouth as he looked up. There were tears running down his face.

"You didn't rape me." Daniel managed to say. "I told you I wanted you. I asked you, and then I lied."

"Does it matter that," Jack said as he sat down at the closest kitchen stool; he looked up at Daniel, "I wanted it too?"

Daniel couldn't speak as the realization dawned on him that Jack wasn't blaming him or running away from him.

When he was able to Daniel looked up and met Jack's eyes and said, "Let's sit and have breakfast. We do our best talking over food."

"Don't sit. No sitting." Jack said quickly as he held Daniel's waist tighter and pulled him close. "I don't want you to hurt because of me."

Daniel smiled slightly and felt a bit of blush take him. "It's a good kind of hurt. I don't mind."

"But, you might mind what I have to tell you."

Daniel was quiet; he hated it when Jack said things like that and then drew the moment out until Daniel wanted to shake him and demand to be told.

"I kind of have a date," Jack said uneasily.

"Kind of?"

"Alex asked me to meet him... to talk."

Daniel smiled and said, "Ah."

So that's why the little pisser walked out so quickly and easily without demanding a shower, or change of clothes.

"Alex and I," Daniel began to explain.

Jack shut him up with a kiss. His tongue pushed against his lips and Daniel quickly opened to his demands. Daniel found himself standing between Jack's parted legs with his arms tightly wrapped around Jack tasting and wanted.

The moment they parted Daniel had only one thing to say, "I'm not with Alex."

Jack leaned in again teased his mouth once more before asking, "Who are you with?"

Daniel touched his cheek and easily said, "You."

EPLIOGUE

Daniel woke up and then snuggled down into his pillow again. It smelled like Jack and he hadn't realized just how much he loved that.

Jack had been hesitant the moment that Daniel grabbed him and pulled towards the bedroom.

"No," Jack managed to say in between kisses. "I'll hurt you."

Daniel smiled and said, "There's more than one way, Jack."

Jack had smiled and given in.

Jonathan O'Neill proved by word and by deed that he was indeed the best man that Daniel had ever met. They made love again. Daniel found himself blind and screaming, his legs locked securely around Jack's waist as the man drove hard into him. When Jack's mouth wasn't on his it was saying filthy and disgusting things into his ears. Daniel clawed at him as he tried to draw him in closer, deeper, into his skin.

Sometime after, Jack must have dressed and left, because Daniel didn't see him or hear him anywhere in the apartment. He reasoned that Jack had gone to keep his 'date' with Alex, but he realized rather quickly that he didn't like waking up without Jack next to him.

He heard the apartment door open and close and he smiled. Jack walked into the bedroom next. Daniel's eyes went right to the cardboard caddy in Jack's hands. Two extra large cups of Starbuck's coffee and a bag of pastries were set on the night stand. Daniel's eyes followed him around the room as Jack rounded the bed stripping.

Jack stretched out across the bed naked and took Daniel's right nipple into his mouth. Daniel saw the expanse of tanned, exposed flesh, taunt muscles, and realized that it was all his. Jack bit him lightly, just enough to get his attention.

"I'm working here," Jack said annoyed. "You should be paying attention?"

"I was studying your amazing body, you big ass." Daniel said as he turned away and reached for a cup of coffee. He took a sip and set it back before crawling back under the covers.

In a heart beat Jack joined him and then climbed on top of him. Daniel realized quickly that Jack was neither small, nor light but he didn't mind the weight. It felt good to finally have him this close.

"How was your date?"

"The kid's weird." Jack said simply.

"Geniuses usually are." Daniel stroked his hair as he said, "They're allowed."

Jack looked up and met Daniel's eyes.

"But I like him," Jack finally said. "He loves you. Protects you. Mean little piss-ant. I'd hate to see him angry."

Daniel couldn't help laughing. "No, you most definitely wouldn't want to see him get protective." Daniel leaned up and said, "He's mine Jack. I've been so terrified of him getting hurt because of what we do that I had to keep him apart from it. All of it...even from you and the rest of my friends."

"It's okay," Jack said easily. "I understand."

Daniel lay back down and stared up at the ceiling.

"I'm not sure what happens now," Daniel said a bit confused.

"How does staying in bed sound to you?"

Daniel smiled. "Well, you did bring provisions." Daniel said glancing at the coffee.

"We have plenty of entertainment here." Jack added as he made his point by delving his tongue into Daniel's belly button.

"Plenty to do," Jack said as he continued to search Daniel's body.

Daniel laid back and ran his fingers through Jack's hair. They had plenty of time later for talk. Right now there were more important things to concentrate on.

The End.

Next: My Weird Ass Family