Human On The Inside

by Lunar

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asl/lunar/hinside.php
Summary: Daniel wonders if he's given up too much to join Oma Desala

Now the damage is done

Daniel, his Daniel, had died and there was nothing Jack could've done to stop it. He'd died to save a race of people who not only didn't give a damn that he'd given his life for them, but who'd had the audacity to accuse him of sabotaging the experiment and murdering those idiotic, clueless scientists.. Jack had vowed not to let that happen. No way!! He'd fought for Daniel's honor, feeling that it had been the last thing he could do for him.

So now Daniel was gone, dead, ascended, whatever, and Jack wandered the halls of the SGC until he found himself in the archaeologist's office, overcome with guilt. Admire him? What the hell had he been thinking? Unable to say what he'd really been feeling, he'd ended up telling Daniel that he'd come to admire him. Now, hours later, to Jack's ears, it sounded incredibly lame. Admire. it fell so short of what he'd really wanted to say. Jack felt as if he'd let both Daniel and himself down by hiding behind his professional face. It had all been a façade, a lie. In truth, his heart was being ripped out.

Jack picked up Daniel's glasses. "You were always misplacing 'em, weren't you, Danny?" he whispered to the air. "Where are you? Are you dead or with Oma Desala? God, Daniel, I know what I thought I saw, but I need to know that you're okay."

Jack heard someone outside the door and, not wanting to be discovered, he dropped the glasses onto the desk and slipped out the other entrance.

~~~

Oma Desala couldn't let this human die. This one had great potential and so as death approached, she'd offered him an alternative, a chance to live, to ascend, and to become something more. She knew it had been too soon, he wasn't really ready, but she also knew that he couldn't be lost to them. He was needed, important. She had watched this human grow and learn and come to recognise his true worth. In the end, as she'd removed the one called Daniel from his suffering, Oma was saddened that these Tau'ri had lost a precious gift that had been bestowed upon them. The Earth had lost someone irreplaceable without realising.

Jack understood ascension was Daniel's only chance to survive. He would never have been the same again even if Jacob had kept him alive and so Jack had let him go. Daniel hadn't known what he'd been asking Jack to do, hadn't known how much Jack had wanted to beg him to stay. All Jack had wanted was for Daniel's pain to stop. Jack realised Daniel had been in both physical and emotional pain, and he'd snatched at the way out he was being offered without giving any thought to who and what he was leaving behind. Jack truly believed Daniel could do more good with Oma and her people than he could ever achieve with the SGC, but that didn't make letting him go any easier.

~~~

Daniel saw his friends trying to cope with his ascension, trying to understand and make sense of what they'd witnessed. They knew, or at least hoped, he wasn't dead, but the uncertainty was hard on them. He saw Sam cry in his lab when she found his glasses and how she was discovered by General Hammond, who was holding himself together with difficulty. In the face of her obvious distress at the fact they didn't have a memorial service, the general reminded her they couldn't be sure Daniel was dead. Sam gave the general a watery smile as he awkwardly patted her hand before leaving her. She knew he missed Daniel too but, like her father, didn't show his feelings openly.

George Hammond returned to his office and picked up the photograph of his wife from his desk. "I'd ask you to watch over him, honey, but I'm not sure he's with you. That's the hardest part, the not knowing." He replaced the picture with a sigh. He'd lost people before, but no one quite like Doctor Jackson.

Daniel watched Jack appear to shrug it off, seeming so pragmatic as to border on cold, but he knew how hard Jack was taking his leaving. He was close by as Jack cleaned his gun with an intense concentration which did nothing to hide his pain. It hurt to see glimpses of the man Jack had been when they first met, so Daniel left.

Jack was dreading the first mission without Daniel, knowing this time he wasn't just off on a mission with another team. He didn't want to discuss Daniel and brushed off all expressions of sympathy. Daniel was a friend, a colleague, no more than that, and Jack firmly believed if he repeated that mantra often enough he might even come to believe it.

Daniel listened in amazement at the pride in Teal'c's voice when he spoke of the great honor bestowed on Daniel by Oma Desala. The Jaffa was in awe of the ascended beings and proud his friend was now one of them. It didn't mean he missed Daniel any less than his other friends did. In fact, on their first mission without him, Teal'c confessed to Sam how much he wished Daniel were still with them.

Even Osiris seemed shaken by the news of his death. She looked shaken when Sam said he was dead. For just a moment, an expression of sorrow passed across the Goa'uld's face. Was that Sarah's influence?

Daniel was shocked at how hard his leaving was affecting friends and enemies alike. He'd always thought he'd been regarded as an outsider, a bit of an oddball, by his military colleagues. The muted voices and downcast faces surprised him. Jack had tried to reassure him that he was accepted at the SGC, but until now, he hadn't believed it.

After the mission, Daniel let Jack know he was okay. A slight affirmation for both of them as his presence ruffled Jack's hair in the familiar hallway of the SGC. Daniel didn't miss the small smile on the older man's face. He knew Jack understood. It was to have been a last goodbye.

~~~

Oma took him on a wondrous journey throughout the galaxy, but Daniel still felt dissatisfied. Every time he saw war, destruction and despair, Daniel wanted to help, but each time Oma led him away. She tried to explain that the rules of the ascended forbad any kind of intervention. Daniel tried to argue, to make her see that having the power to make a difference and not using it was wrong, but Oma would not be swayed. With great patience, Oma once again reminded Daniel of his youth and inexperience. Daniel didn't feel comfortable taking a backseat in life, but he allowed himself to be dissuaded from taking action. Then he felt it, a pull so strong he couldn't ignore it, and with Oma's blessing, he followed his heart, and it had led him to Jack.

Jack woke up in the damned sarcophagus again. He hated those things, remembering with clarity what one of them had done to Daniel on Shyla's planet, and how he'd suffered through withdrawal. Jack prayed that Ba'al would end his torment, but knew it wasn't going to happen any time soon. He was put into a cell and somehow found himself flat on his back staring up at the door. It was then he saw Daniel, who said, "Hi, Jack," calmly giving him a little wave as if they'd seen each other just the day before. Of course, Jack didn't believe that Daniel was really there and threw his shoe through him to prove he was only a figment of his own imagination.

Daniel knew Jack was in pain and in danger of losing his immortal soul and understood that was the reason why Oma had let him come. Daniel came to offer ascension, which Jack, predictably, refused. Daniel wanted Jack to agree to ascend, to come and be with him. He missed Jack so much, it hurt. When he'd been alive, Daniel had never had the courage to tell Jack what he felt for him. Only now that it was too late could he acknowledge it for the deep, abiding love that it was. How could he tell Jack how he felt when he couldn't do anything about it? Not that Jack would return his feelings anyway, so it was no use dwelling on it. Though Daniel did honestly wonder if he wanted Jack to ascend to save his soul, or for his own selfish reasons.

Daniel hated to stand by and do nothing, but all he could offer Jack was moral support. When Jack pleaded with him to do something, saying if their roles were reversed he'd bust Daniel out, an idea took root. Daniel knew Oma would be angry, but he really didn't care.

After Jack's escape from Ba'al, Daniel went to the SGC infirmary to see for himself that Jack was doing okay. He smiled gently when his friend asked him to come back for Christmas or even Groundhog Day. He softly explained that they were each making their own journey, and then he left Jack to be surrounded by the love of their friends, especially Sam. Daniel hadn't missed the special warmth Jack and Sam seemed to share, but it hurt. A small piece of his heart was left behind as he returned to Oma Desala.

~~~

Oma made it plain she expected Daniel to leave his old life behind, learn how to use his great gifts and to appreciate what he'd been given. He tried to remain detached from the intergalactic wars and oppression he witnessed, but it was hard, bordering on impossible. The ascended's way was not his way. He wanted, needed, to make a difference.

Daniel and Oma witnessed the battle the rebel Jaffa fought so valiantly. He saw Teal'c struggle to keep both himself and Bra'tac alive. Daniel was equally puzzled and angry. He knew the ascended had the power to assist the rebel forces but chose not to use it and merely observed as the struggle unfolded. Against Oma Desala's wishes he went to Teal'c to offer him help and comfort. All through Teal'c's ordeal, Daniel was there for him, but it wasn't enough. It was enough to save Teal'c's life, but he knew he could accomplish so much more. Daniel began to question whether being one of the ascended was so worthwhile. After all, what good was he really doing?

Oma tried to make him see his doubts were slowing his progress, but all Daniel could see was that he'd let his friends down, over and over, by not intervening. Daniel knew it wasn't only his doubts that were impeding his growth, but he couldn't explain his unhappiness to Oma Desala, because he was positive she wouldn't understand. The longer he stayed away from Jack, the more Daniel missed him.

Frustrated by Daniel's constant questioning of her people's refusal to become involved with the Goa'uld, Oma went away. Daniel didn't know why Oma left, but it meant he was left to his own devices.

He wandered aimlessly through the galaxy, not able to concentrate on anything for long. He found himself on the planet Erebus, where he had to stand by and watch hundreds of Jaffa being worked to death by the forces of Ba'al.

When Daniel found out which Goa'uld ruled on the planet, anger began to suffuse his soul. He remembered Jack's suffering at Ba'al's hand, and wanted nothing more than to unleash the power lying deep within him. With effort, he pushed the rising tide away, remembering Oma's words that with anger he would only achieve destruction.

When he observed Ry'ac and Bra'tac amongst the slave Jaffa, he thought maybe anger and its resulting destruction was no bad thing. It took all his resolve and control not to interfere. He was finding it harder and harder to justify the policy of non-interference.

As he turned his back on the suffering of his friends once again, he felt a small piece of his heart fall away.

~~~

Waiting for an opportune moment to approach Jack, Daniel felt his home wasn't the best place and decided to wait until he'd gone to the base. He was glad Jack had the elevator to himself; it meant that there was no problem with Daniel stopping the car and showing himself to his friend. He knew that Oma would be infuriated with him and that he was walking a very fine line by telling Jack about Anubis and the threat to Abydos. Daniel also knew this time he couldn't sit by and do nothing.

He rapidly explained to Jack the danger to Daniel's adopted world and the family he loved. Jack wasn't very impressed that Daniel wasn't prepared to do more himself. After all, he had never been very good at doing as he was told when he'd been part of SG-1. He tried to make Jack understand he was endangering his place amongst the ascended, but Jack wasn't listening.

Later, Daniel was amazed at how easily his friends accepted that Jack had seen him. Jack said it was the second time, and Teal'c admitted that he too had seen Daniel. Both men explained they hadn't spoken of it before as neither of them truly believed at the time it was real. Daniel didn't miss the look of hurt on Sam's face as she wondered why he hadn't been to see her. When he did see Sam, he would have to explain he only went to his friends as they were in danger of dying, and he couldn't allow that as they still had much to do. Daniel was most gratified by Hammond's belief in him. When Jack admitted he'd gotten his intel from Daniel, Hammond's instant answer was that it was good enough for him and immediately authorized the mission.

On Abydos, he joined SG-1 in a chamber under the pyramid. The Jaffa forces of Anubis were stronger than Daniel had anticipated, and they were closing in on the chamber fast. He only had a short time to explain where he thought the Eye of Ra was and although Daniel wanted to talk with Sam, now was not the time. His acknowledgement of her almost brutally curt, his eyes remained fixed on Jack. Daniel was almost overwhelmed by the warmth he felt from his friends, and he wanted nothing more than to bask in their affection.

His opinion of Jonas Quinn, however, was a different matter. The man sounded knowledgeable, but Daniel realised his words didn't have much substance. As Daniel tried to impress upon Jonas the importance of the tablet, he had the feeling that the other man didn't really grasp it. He was aware of his rising impatience and only managed to contain it with a huge effort. If Jack trusted this man, then he should too.

Daniel went to Anubis' ship to show him that it wasn't just the Tau'ri he was facing but the might of an ascended being also. He stared in horror as Anubis revealed his true self. He was some kind of energy being trapped in limbo between two worlds. Had the others been trying to send Anubis back, or had they been trying to destroy him? Daniel didn't know, but whatever it was, they hadn't succeeded.

Daniel's horror turned to anger. How could the others stand aside, complacent in their superiority, and allow this bastardization of themselves wreak havoc across the universe? Any qualms Daniel might have had about intervening were now completely dispelled. He returned to Abydos knowing his actions were not now just crossing the line but eradicating it completely.

He looked deep into Jack's eyes and felt a pain within the depths of his soul. Daniel was afraid he wouldn't see his friend again, and yet he still couldn't tell him how much he loved him. He left Jack behind and with him left another piece of his heart.

Daniel was going back to force Anubis to keep his word, knowing that the System Lord was very powerful. Confident he could overcome Anubis, Daniel reached deep within himself and began to unleash the power that resided there. He was simultaneously frightened and awed by his own ability, and then - nothing. It was the ultimate betrayal, as he was snatched away and by doing so, the others had left the way open for Anubis to destroy Abydos. In that final moment, Daniel released a scream of pain and frustration.

~~~

He was left to face the wrath of the others alone. It was not their way to take life, but he knew they would not let his transgressions go with impunity. Finally Oma came to him. "I have tried to intercede for you," she began sadly. "Daniel, you have the potential for greatness but have wasted it."

He shook his head. "Having power and not using it for good is a waste. You and the others could make a difference but choose not to. I can't do that, especially when my friends, my family, need my help."

"You knew the views of the Ancients when you joined us, and because you've chosen to ignore the rules, you must now be punished."

Daniel frowned. "Punished?"

Oma laid a gentle hand on his arm. Daniel looked down and smiled. 'Funny how I always see us as corporeal beings,' he thought.

"That is because you have never let go of who you are, and essentially you are still human on the inside." Oma gave a soft sigh. "That is why it has been decided to return you to the corporeal world."

Wondered fleetingly how she'd known what he'd been thinking Daniel gave a mental shrug. What did it matter now, now that he was going home?

Oma shook her head. "Not exactly home, Daniel. You will be returned, but not to Earth. All the knowledge of who you are and were will be wiped from your mind."

Daniel stared at her, aghast. He could only think that all knowledge of Jack would be wiped out. Oma leaned forward and hugged him.

"Don't worry Daniel," she whispered in his ear. "I will make sure he knows where you are. He will find you, and you will know him again. You have my word."

Oma smiled. The young one's mind had been easy to influence. Daniel would now be going home, and she hoped in time he would be travelling the stars once again as was his destiny. O'Neill would protect him from the unscrupulous men of his world; she had no doubt about that.

~~~

He didn't know who he was, or how he'd gotten there, but the tribesmen of Vis Uban had treated him with kindness and taken him in as one of their own. They had named him Arrom - naked one - as he had no name.

Weeks later, he was returning to the village when he saw the strangers. They stared at him in disbelief, making him feeling uncomfortable. He didn't understand why they wanted to go with him as he made his way home. In the settlement were more strangers, and Arrom was confused by their interest in him. These people meant nothing to him, and he was wary of their assertions that they knew him. He wanted only to be left alone to gather his thoughts. As he walked away, he felt a flutter of excitement low in his belly.

Arrom watched cautiously as the silver haired man entered his tent. He wasn't ready to talk, but he was drawn to this man.

Eventually the visitors left him alone, and he thought about everything they'd told him. He wanted to know who he was, but what if he didn't like what he discovered? Could he live with that? He knew that he would never be satisfied now that there was a chance he could learn about himself. He knew he had to leave Vis Uban.

Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he announced he was going with the strangers. They had been pleased, and he knew that the one called Sam thought she had persuaded him, but in truth it was the older man. He couldn't explain why, but he just knew that he belonged with him. When he'd heard the man say "Daniel" he knew it was his name. It had just felt right.

They took him to the stone circle, and he stared in wonder at what looked like an upright pool of water. He stopped and looked down at where the toes of his shoes disappeared. Raising his hand, he gently touched the rippling effect in front of him. He turned to the man beside him and found himself gazing into warm brown eyes. The man - Jim? - smiled.

"You looked at it like that the first time you and I went through it."

"You forget, to me this is the first time," Daniel answered, not returning the smile.

As he stepped through the ring Daniel glanced at the man beside him and knew he would help him find his way back to who he was. He instinctively felt this man was important to him, and he could trust him. Daniel knew that he was going home.

~~~

Epilogue

Jack reluctantly left Daniel in the infirmary with doting nurses and a cautiously excited Dr. Fraiser. She was going on about DNA testing and a variety of other medical tests and procedures being done to verify Daniel was who they hoped he was. Jack wasn't listening. He didn't need medical knowledge to confirm what his heart was already telling him.

As he walked through the halls of the SGC, back to his office, he couldn't help but notice the smiling faces everywhere. Daniel had done that. Daniel.

Hammond had greeted them in the gateroom on their return with Daniel, and Jack had seen how much the weight of command had lifted from the general's shoulders at the sight of SG-1's archaeologist.

Jack hadn't been able to keep the grin from his own face. Daniel was back, and Jack was going to make damned sure he was never taken from him again.

Daniel sat in the infirmary waiting for Doctor Fraiser, and as he thought about the silver haired man a warm glow surrounded his heart. It felt as if pieces of his heart had been returned to him, pieces he hadn't even realised had been missing.

End.