Bondage Smut

by Merlin7

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asm/merlin7/bondage.php
Summary: Not supplied

Part 1

John wondered when it had all gone so wrong.

The mission to M5R-773 had started out perfectly. Almost too perfectly. But Teyla's people had dealt with them in the past and the leader, Mekos, had seem truly delighted by their presence and eager to trade. They had made a satisfactory deal, then Mekos had invited the team to stay for a celebration. Teyla had talked John into staying. The food had been good, there had been entertainment as well. Dancers and acrobats and singing. John had found himself relaxing enough to enjoy it. Then there had been the ceremonial toast and that's when everything fell apart, he realized. That's when he had blacked out and had awakened to find himself in his present circumstances.

Which was locked in a bedroom. It was a nice room, a little too lavish for his tastes but the bed was nice. Big and not too soft and John had almost given in to the urge to fall back asleep curled up under the rich blankets. But then he had realized where he was and that he was alone and the rest of his team might be in danger.

Not surprisingly, the door had been locked. Pounding on it and yelling for someone to let him out hadn't gotten him anywhere. So John had started checking out other means of escape. There were no windows so that was not an option. That he had been stripped of his clothes and weapons hadn't helped either. In fact, John was pacing around the room, clad only in a sheet. God he had hated college, toga parties.

Finally realizing that he was stuck for the moment, John returned to the bed. It was the only furniture in the room, other than a small table next to the bed that held a small pot with some kind of scented oil in it. John stretched out on the bed, still wrapped in his sheet, and let his eyes drift closed. There was nothing he could do at the moment. He had just started to drift off to sleep when he heard a sound. His eyes popped open and John sat up. The door opened and Rodney entered the room, flanked by one man and one woman. Neither were armed. John knew he could take them. But even as he made to slip off the bed, Rodney was there, stopping him.

"Wait..major!" Rodney hissed. "Stay put."

"What the hell is going on?" John did as Rodney said, but he wasn't happy about it. He watched Rodney approach the bed. "Where are Ford and Teyla?"

Rodney winced. "Imprisoned."

John did not like the sound of that. "What? Where? Why?"

"Shhh.!" Rodney reached out and clamped a hand over Sheppard's mouth, only to have it batted away. He glared at the major and said, "If you don't shut up an listen to me, they're going to die."

"Oh." That got John's attention. He took a deep breath to calm his anger, exhaled slowly, then nodded. "Talk to me."

Rodney cleared his throat. "Okay..in a nutshell..Mekos doesn't trust outsiders. He's been burned too many times in the past, so he's derived a test to see if we really are worthy of their trust. If so, we will have an open-ended trade alliance with them. They will also support us, in any way they can, in our fight against the Wraith."

John clenched his jaw and gritted out, "How nice of them. And if they don't pass their test?"

"Ford and Teyla will die, as sacrifices to the Wraith, and you and I will be sent back through the gate."

"I thought they were friends with the Athosians? Why sacrifice Teyla instead of you or me?" John was getting more confused by the minute.

Rodney coughed, nearly choked on it, then blurted out," The test involves the two of us who they consider to be the strongest and the weakest link in our group. They consider you the strongest, obviously judging that by the fact you're the leader and ignoring the fact that my brilliance makes me the strong link --"

It was John's turn to clap a hand over Rodney's mouth. "Yeah..yeah..I get that part. So...what do we have to do? And why am I naked here?"

"You're not going to like this part," Rodney said, after removing Sheppard's hand from his mouth.

"I already don't like any of this..so I doubt it can get any worse," John shot back. Only to find out he was wrong.

Rodney leaned in to whisper, "They want us to have..sex."

John felt his eyes go wide. He blinked at Rodney as he let the words sink in, then he shook his head. "No..no way! That's insane!"

"Listen, major..we do this or Ford and Teyla die!" Rodney's voice was sharp and he glared at Sheppard. "I don't know about you..but I don't want to live with the guilt of having caused their demise!"

"Fuck you, Rodney!" John shot back because, of course, he didn't want that to happen. But then he had to wonder. "Why am I naked and not you?"

Rodney exhaled an impatient sigh. "The purpose of the test is for the strong one to be willing to give himself to the weak one. If he is strong enough to be taken, then the test is passed successfully."

John frowned as the meaning of Rodney's words hit him. "In other words..I'm the bottom." He shuddered a bit at that thought.

"Right. And..um..you have to be tied up as well."

"What?" John felt anger flare up inside him and he almost vented it until he looked at Rodney and realized two things. Despite looking a bit uncomfortable, Mckay's eyes were dark with desire and when John looked down, he could see the tent in the other man's pants. Rodney was hard.

Rodney looked at Sheppard, following the line of his eyes then he shrugged. "Can't help it. You know I've been wanting to tie you up and fuck you for the past few weeks."

John felt his mouth go dry at the way Rodney sounded as he spoke. Unapologetic and entirely turned on. He had to swallow hard before he could speak. "And you know I'm not ready to do that!" he hissed back, even as he felt his own cock twitch in response. John cursed at it, silently. He really wasn't ready for this. He and Rodney had been lovers for a couple of months. They seldom got to plan the moments together. They took them when they could. Most of the time it ended up being jerking each other off, or on occassion they found the time to give each other blow jobs. Once Rodney had fucked himself on John and John had wanted to do that again, but Rodney had refused until he was allowed to fuck John in return. And on that point John had balked. He knew it was only fair, but he wasn't ready to deal with it. Rodney would try to seduce him into it though. One night he had tied John's wrists and given him the blow job to end all blow jobs, then he had rimmed John to get him used to the idea of getting fucked, but John still hadn't given in on that point. Rodney hadn't pushed him either. He knew that the idea of having sex with another man was still new to him and he respected John's inhibitions and insecurities. Until now. Only now it was a matter of life and death and John almost found that fact amusing. Almost.

"This isn't really about us," Rodney interjected, softly.

"I know. It's about saving Ford and Teyla," John replied. Then he nodded. "So..we can do this." It wasn't like he had a choice. And it wasn't as if it were the end of the world. John liked having sex with Rodney. This was just a continuation of it. But he had an unsettling thought. "They..um..they're not going to watch us, are they?"

Rodney shook his head. "No. The woman is here to bind you as part of the ceremony, then they'll leave. But..um.." Rodney paused.

John glared at him. "But what?" He just knew he wasn't going to like whatever it was Rodney was going to say.

"But they have to examine you afterwards," Rodney said in a rush. "You know..to make sure we did it. Oh..and did I mention that the other part of the ceremony is proof of virginity?"

"What are you talking about?"

Rodney shifted, looking extremely uncomfortable. "The main point of this test is that the strong link is usually the link unbroken. Which translates to the virgin in the coupling. Which makes it all the more profound that *he* is the one strong enough to be taken in the first place. Only they want proof in that they expect you to bleed."

John knew what that meant. They couldn't do this slow and easy. It would have to be rough. The thought was not appealing and John winced. "Ow."

"That's the only part I'm not happy about," Rodney said softly. "I've wanted to fuck you for a long time, but I never wanted to hurt you."

"I guess that's the sacrifice you have to make, Rodney," John replied. "But we can do this..okay? For Ford and Teyla. And when we get back to Atlantis...you can make it better." John offered a seductive smile as he spoke.

Rodney snorted. "You'll never let me near your ass again after this," he shot back. And he looked a bit upset at that thought.

John shook his head. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to want you to kiss my ass and make it better," he teased, but there was a seriousness behind his words that he was careful to make sure Rodney heard and understood.

"I can do that," Rodney said, as a half smile curved his lips. "So...you ready to do this?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," John allowed. "Um..so what do I do?"

Rodney reached out and tugged on the sheet that was wrapped around Sheppard. "Lose this and lay down on your back."

John grimaced but did as he was told. Although he was not happy at being naked and exposed in front of the other two people in the room. "Uh..just curious, but who's going to do the post exam?"

"The woman. Kelia." Rodney turned and gestured for her to approach. "She's going to tie your wrists now," he said to Sheppard.

"Okay." John tried to relax as Kelia approached. She smiled at him, as if trying to reassure him. It wasn't helping. But John let her bind his wrists together then pull his arms over his head so they could be bound to the post on the headboard. Once that was done, John tested the bonds. They held firm. Then he shivered as Kelia slide one hand over his body. From his forehead on down to his cock, which lay soft against his thigh. She touched him there, teasing the tip with her fingernail and John felt it twitch. He shot an apologetic glance at Rodney. He couldn't help himself. He liked pretty women.

Rodney was watching, looking amused.

John bit his lip as Kelia squeezed the tip of his cock and he felt himself filling to hardness. Sometimes he was so easy. But John realized that this was part of the ceremony. That it was part of Kelia's role to get him hard. Her people didn't know, and couldn't know, that he and Rodney were lovers. Not if they wanted Ford and Teyla to live. So John closed his eyes and let Kelia's touch arouse him further. Then her hand was gone and he opened his eyes and watched her and her male companion leave the room.

"You look beautiful like this," Rodney said, drawing Sheppard's attention to him. "But you're always beautiful." As he spoke, Rodney divested himself of his clothing.

"You know I hate when you say that," John shot back, conversationally.

Rodney grinned. "No...you hate it when I call you pretty. Beautiful you've learned to accept." He crawled onto the bed and let the palm of one hand press flat against Sheppard's abdomen.

John's stomach muscles twitched. "Are you sure we're not being watched?" He asked because he had that prickly feeling on the back of his neck, like they were.

"Pretty sure," Rodney replied, not all the helpfully. He was otherwise focused on silding his hand down to Sheppard's cock. He curled his fingers around the base and stroked upwards.

"Rodney.." the name turned into a moan and John couldn't help but arch into each stroke of McKay's skilled hand.

Rodney leaned down to lick the tip of John's cock. When John whimpered he looked up and grinned. "Yes?" he drawled, smugly.

John tried to glare at him, but knew it wasn't very effective. He was too turned on to make a worthy attempt at it. Rodney knew just how to touch him, how to make him shudder with want and need. How to make him come apart with pleasure. Only the hand on his cock went still. John's moan turned into a growl of frustration. "Why are you stopping?" he demanded.

"I want to kiss you." Rodney moved over John's body, straddling him and leaning in to lick his way into John's mouth.

It was a wanton kiss, all wet and sloppy and lewd, just the way John liked it. But after a time he pulled back to ask, "Are you sure kissing is okay? Won't they think it's suspicious?"

Rodney shrugged. "Don't care." And he made sure John didn't care either by reaching down between their bodies to stroke him again.

"Fuck!" John bit his bottom lip to keep from crying out. "I'm close, Rodney!" he hissed. "Too close."

"You need to come," Rodney replied, easing back down so that he was between John's legs now. "I don't have any lubricant so we'll have to use your come."

John's eyes went wide at that and he felt himself deflate a bit. "No lubricant?" He remembered how Rodney had slicked John's fingers with lots of oil as he taught John how to open him for fucking. Lots and lots of oil.

Rodney kept stroking John, urging him back to hardness. "It's better this way. It's going to hurt but you'll bleed without me having to be so rough." As he explained, Rodney looked both upset and apologetic.

"No...I can't do this," John protested, rolling his head against the pillow.

"Yes..you can," Rodney insisted. "Think of Ford and Teyla."

Not exactly the images John wanted in his head during sex, but he knew Rodney was right. They had to see this through. "Okay," he whispered. "I can do this."

Rodney looked pleased. "Just...just focus on me," he advised, as he shifted back onto his knees so that he could slip his free hand down to John's balls. Rodney kneaded them gently, all the while still stroking John's cock. Then he locked eyes with Sheppard and breathed, "Come for me."

Without meaning to, John did just that. His body seized up, he felt the tingling in his spine, his balls tightened in Rodney's warm palm and then he was coming, hard and long. John's eyes slid closed as his body shuddered it's release, but he felt Rodney moving, shifting, then a finger pressing into him, and it burned a bit, making John hiss. Then another finger was inside him, stretching him open and John wasn't quite ready for this but he was too lethargic in the aftermath of his release to protest anything. Realistically he knew this had to happen so he tried to relax, and he did pretty good until he felt his legs shifted. John's eyes flew open as he watched Rodney shifting his legs until the backs of John's thighs were pressed against Rodney's chest. Then he felt it, a blunt heat pushing against his opening. John couldn't help it, he tried to pull back.

"Don't!" Rodney's voice was sharp and his fingers bit into John's hips, hard enough to bruise. "Just hold still, you have to let me in." With that he hitched his hips foreward, pushing himself into John.

"Fuck..fuck!" John hissed at the burning pain as the head of Rodney's cock breeched him. Instinct made John try to reel back but Rodney held him pinned. Panic made John tug at his bindings, made him whimper and shake his head. Made him open his mouth about to beg.

Until Rodney kissed him. And he kept kissing him as he hitched his way in deeper. Only when they needed oxygen did Rodney break the kiss. He looked upset to see the tears in John's eyes. "I know it hurts. You have to relax and open up for me. You have to bear down."

John bit his lip and closed his eyes, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to leak down his face. He felt as if he were being ripped apart inside. He felt too open and exposed and Rodney's cock, something he loved to touch and stroke and suck on seemed too big and invasive now. It was splitting him wide open and John wanted his hands free so he could slug Rodney for all he was worth. But he knew this wasn't Rodney's fault, so John took a shuddery breath and tried to relax.

"Bear down," Rodney directed. "As hard as you can."

Another shuddery breath and John did as he was told. He swallowed a whimper as he felt Rodney slip in further and suddenly the hardness inside him was all the way in and the burning stretch of pain eased a bit. It still hurt but it was more bearable and Rodney went still inside him and John felt like he could breathe again.

Rodney rained kisses over John's face. "Good..that's good. That's it. Just take a minute and breathe. Let me know when you're ready."

"Not going to be ready," John managed to hiss through his shuddery inhalations. But it was time to suck it up. "Just do it!"

"Okay..okay." Rodney was the one sucking in a shuddery breath this time. But then he began to move. A slow pull out to the tip of his aching cock, then a slow plunge back in. But he couldn't keep that pace up for long.

John realized the pain was easing now. It still hurt but not as much. He could deal with it now. So he closed his eyes as Rodney thrust into him, rocking his body hard. All too soon the thrusts got harder and deeper and faster, then John heard Rodney cry out and he could feel Rodney's cock swelling inside him, making it painful again, but then there was a warm slickness pulsing into him and John felt relief wash over him. It was over.

Rodney slumped over John and whispered, "I'm going to pull out now. It's going to feel weird."

After what had just happened, John doubted it could feel any weirder. But he was wrong. When Rodney pulled out it hurt and he tensed up, feeling pretty certain that his insides had spilled out. He tugged on his bonds wanting to be free. "Untie me," he ordered, and he felt a flare of anger when Rodney shook his head.

"I can't until Kelia examines you," Rodney hissed. Then he was sliding off the bed, tucking himself back into his pants.

John was about to protest when he realized Kelia was already in the room. He couldn't look at her as she moved onto the bed between his legs. He felt his body flush with shame as her fingers slid inside him. Then something soft was wiping him down, moving between his cheeks and John wished a black hole would appear and swallow him up. He kept his eyes closed as he felt the shift in the bed as Kelia slid off. He heard soft whispers and didn't want to know what was said. He just wanted this over. Then he felt a hand touch his arm and he jerked even as his eyes flew open.

Rodney was leaning over him. "I'm going to untie you now. Kelia has prepared a bath and she has ointments for you. She'll take care of you and then we can leave."

"I can take care of myself!" John hissed. He felt the bindings on his wrists loosen and he tugged hard, his arms sliding down. He pulled away from Rodney to free himself.

"You have to let Kelia do this," Rodney shot back, hurt glimmering in his eyes. But his voice was sharp and firm. "It's part of the ceremony. She'll bring you to me when you're cleaned and dressed and then we can collect Ford and Teyla and go home.

John pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He felt a bit sick and his temples were throbbing, but he nodded. He realized he had to see this through. This wasn't about him anyway, it was about freeing his teammates. "Fine," John replied. "Whatever." He felt Rodney's hand fall on his shoulder and it took all of John's willpower not to flinch away. He wasn't angry at Rodney. He didn't blame Rodney for any of this. He was just tired and sore and sick with shame. John wanted to go home. He didn't look at Rodney as he replied, "Let's just get this over with."

Rodney sighed then said, "Fine." He turned away and called to Kelia.

John heard Rodney walk away and he felt guilty, but he said nothing. He just sat there until Kelia took his hand. Then he let her guide him to the bath. Soon they would all go back home and everything would go back to normal. And that was John's mantra through Kelia's ministrations, to the reunion with Ford and Teyla and on the walk back to the gate.

When he stepped back onto Atlantis, John had a smile plastered on his face. It stayed on his face while he sent Ford and Teyla to the infirmary. But it slid away as he stepped into Weir's office with Rodney right behind him.

When Weir asked them to debrief, John wished he could disappear.

Part 2

John did not want to have to deal with Weir. He wasn't ready to discuss what had happened. Turned out he didn't have to worry about it. The moment they entered Weir's office, Rodney took control.

"We had a bit of a glitch," Rodney stated, as he pretty much confronted Elizabeth.

"What kind of a glitch?" she countered.

Rodney grimaced but explained. "Mekos didn't trust us, having been burned before. So, long story short, he took Ford and Teyla captive and threatend to kill them unless Major Sheppard and I were willing to endure one of their tests to prove that we were trustworthy and in doing so we would prove worthy allies against the Wraith and we would gain an open-ended trading alliance. So we took the test, as it were, and now Mekos is all kinds of happy and we have allies and a trade agreement."

John was rather impressed. Rodney pretty much spit that all out without taking a breath.

Elizabeth was less impressed. "What was the test?"

John felt himself grow tense. He wanted to turn and run.

Rodney looked at him then replied, "We had sex."

"What?" Elizabeth looked stunned.

"It's okay, it's no big deal," Rodney rambled on. "And I expect this bit to stay out of the reports, Elizabeth, since you already knew about the major and I being together. So the sex thing was fine." Rodney glanced over at Sheppard then back to Weir. "So..now that you know the basics, I'll write everything up later, in finite detail. Right now the major and I need to visit the infirmary." That said, Rodney grabbed Sheppard by the arm and pretty much hauled him out of Weir's office.

John was so shocked by what had just happened, he pretty much allowed himself to be hauled. Until the reached the nearest transporter and Rodney hustled him inside. The moment the doors closed he hissed, "You just outed us to Weir!"

Rodney sighed. "She already knew about us. You weren't paying attention to what I said."

"She already..." John broke off and shook his head. "When did you tell her? And why?" He realized he should have been furious, but he felt too numb to muster up any real anger.

"It was an accident." Rodney looked uncomfortable. He was shifting from one foot to the other and wringing his hands. "Look...It was a few weeks ago and I was under some console. I heard someone come over to me and I was distracted by thoughts of what I was going to do to you later and I just..assumed..that it was you standing there. So I blurted out something like *Major..if you're a good boy and leave me alone right now, I promise to give you the best blow job ever later*."

John choked but recovered quickly. This was so ridiculous and so Rodney as to almost be amusing. Almost. "What did Weir do?" he prompted.

Rodney shrugged. "She cleared her throat. I realized what I'd just said and got up...after banging my head of course." Rodney broke off to rub a spot on his head in memory. "Anyway...she looked surprised but she was calm about it. She asked how long we had been together, then she asked that we try to be discreet. That was it. She's fine with it and that works to our advantage right now, so I'm considering it a blessing."

"Right." John wished he felt the same way. The transporter doors opened and he watched Rodney step out, but John didn't move. He didn't want to go to the infirmary. He wanted to go to his room, shower about ten times, then sleep for a week. Maybe when he woke up this would have just been a kinky dream.

"You have to see Carson," Rodney said, as he faced Sheppard. "You can't skip the post mission check up and you know it."

John did know it and he nodded and stepped out of the transporter. He could do this. Beckett didn't have to know anything.

Rodney seemed to read Sheppard's mind. "We have to tell Carson what happened."

"No!" John snarled and made to turn away, only a hand caught his arm and drew him back around. Rodney was stronger than he looked.

"If we don't tell him, Elizabeth will." Rodney spoke quietly, but there was a sharpness to his tone that brooked no argument. "Patient confidentiality, Major. Carson won't tell anyone."

John knew that too. "Does he know about us?" John knew that Carson and Rodney were good friends.

Rodney had the grace to blush. "He guessed. He figured out, a long time ago, that I was attracted to you. He doesn't miss much." Rodney tugged Sheppard towards the infirmary doors. "Let's just do this, okay? We'll get it over with and then we can rest and talk and all that stuff."

"Fine." John shrugged off Rodney's hand and stepped through the doors. He wasn't surprised to find Beckett waiting for them. "How are Ford and Teyla?" John asked, as he reached the doctor.

"They're good and well," Carson replied. "I've sent them off to eat and get some rest." Smiling at Sheppard, Carson moved over to an exam bed and patted it. "Now..hop up, major and we'll have a look at you."

John froze. He couldn't do this. He just looked at Beckett and shook his head.

Once again, Rodney intervened. "Something happened," he said to Beckett. "Major Sheppard and I were forced to have sex."

"What?" Carson looked like he'd been hit with a sledgehammer.

"Shh!" Rodney hissed him. "Now...you know we're together so let's all be calm and rational about this, okay?"

To his credit, Carson recovered smoothly. "Of course, I'm sorry. But you threw me with the *forced* thing. What happened?"

Rodney sighed. "Read the mission report later." Then with his back to the major he mouthed at Beckett, *Sheppard bottomed*.

"Fine." Carson got the message. He blinked then turned to Sheppard, plastering a smile on his face. "All right now, major. Strip down and we'll do this as quickly as we can."

"No." John found himself backing away. "They...the woman...she examined me on the planet. I'm fine."

Carson locked eyes with the major. "But she's not your doctor. I have to do the exam. I need to be certain you're all right."

John shook his head, holding his ground. "No. Besides..why don't you examine Rodney first."

"I can do that." Carson was agreeable. He gestured to Rodney who sat down on the exam bed. He did all his usual checks and it took all of five minutes. "Okay now, major, your turn. You can strip down and I'll go and get you a gown."

"Rodney didn't have to strip," John hissed out through gritted teeth.

Carson sighed and took a step closer. "Major..it's my understanding that Rodney..um..that you.." He blushed and faltered.

John closed his eyes and blurted out, "Yes..Rodney fucked me. We all know that. Big deal. Rodney and I have been having sex for a while now. Can we move past this please?" He was damn close to begging and he didnt' care.

"Major..he has to do this and you know it." It was Rodney who spoke up. "I'll stay with you if you like?" He looked uncomfortable making the offer, but determined to see it through.

"No." John exhaled a shaky breath. He knew he had to do this but it was humiliating. But he'd suffered worse things. Kelia's exam had felt like torture. "Fine...get the gown," he barked at Beckett. When the doc returned with it, John waved him and McKay out.

Rodney lingered. "I don't mind staying."

John shook his head. "I can't..I can't do this with you here. Please." He hated how whiny he sounded.

"Okay." Rodney said nothing more, he just slipped out. He found Carson hovering close by and moved to speak with him. "Just so you know...it was kind of rough. You don't need the details right now, but I had to make him bleed."

"What the bloody hell is going on here?" Carson was angry and frustrated.

Rodney sighed. "I'll explain it all later. Just..it was hard for Sheppard. He's never bottomed before, like I said. That's one thing he wasn't ready, or willing, to do yet. This forced him and it..it was rough. I tried to be as careful as I could and he was examined and treated on the planet."

Carson raised a hand to cut him off. "I get the picture. Why don't you go rest, Rodney. I'll call you when I'm through."

"I'm staying." Rodney was adamant about that, and he was glad when Carson didn't argue.

*********

Once he was alone, John started getting undressed. He stripped down efficiently but balked when it came time to put the gown on and remove his boxers. But John knew he had to do this and the sooner he got it over with, the better. So he shrugged on the gown, stripped off the boxers, then he moved to sit on the bed. "All clear!" he called out to Beckett.

A moment later, Carson appeared. He carried a tray of supplies which he set down on the nearby table, then he smiled at Sheppard as he pulled the privacy curtain. "You ready?" he asked.

"No." John couldn't stop himself from being honest, but then he sighed and added, "Let's just get it over with."

"Lay back then." As he spoke, Carson moved to the foot of the bed and unhooked the stirrups that were clamped underneath.

John felt himself go pale as he watched Beckett. This felt surreal to him. He needed a distraction. "I take it Rodney left?"

Carson shook his head. "Actually..he's pacing outside like an expectant father." He grinned but it faded when he looked up and saw Sheppard's face. Realizing his joke had fallen flat, Carson cleared his throat then said, "Rodney is worried about you."

"I'm fine!" John snapped, then he winced because he knew he was yelling and that being loud wouldn't make it so. He wasn't all right. This was so fucked up.

"I know this isn't easy for you," Carson began. He had finished with the stirrups and he grabbed a sheet he had brought along and draped it over Sheppard's lower half. "I'll be as quick and as careful as I can be."

John nodded. He knew this wasn't easy for Beckett either. "It's just..awkward."

Carson didn't deny it. "I need you to slide down so I can position your legs."

John did as he was told then closed his eyes as Beckett moved his legs into the stirrups. The position made him feel exposed, even though he was still covered by the sheet. Exposed and vulnerable. He heard Beckett moving around then he heard a snapping sound. John opened his eyes to see Beckett pulling on latex gloves. His stomach coiled into knots and he felt a bit nauseous. "What are you going to do?" John needed to know. He didn't want to be surprised.

"I'm going to check you for tearing which means I'll have to do an internal." Beckett moved his tray over to the tray table, then he grabbed a stool and moved to the end of the bed. He positioned himself between Sheppard's legs, shifting the sheet back. "You've had a prostate exam before?"

"Yeah..pretty standard in the military," John replied.

Carson looked relieved. "Then you know, basically, what to expect. I'll be as careful as I can be and I need you to tell me if I'm hurting you."

John felt the knot in his stomach tighten and he had to swallow hard, forcing back the bile that was pooling in his throat. "Fine...do whatever you have to do." He took a few shuddery breaths then closed his eyes as he settled into the pillow. He knew Beckett was going to touch him but he jumped all the same when a hand touched his thigh.

"Sorry," Carson was quick to apologize. "I'm going to open you a bit to check for damage."

"Okay." John tensed, knowing what to expect but hating it. He forced himself not to flinch when Carson parted his ass cheeks, but he realized he was trembling by the time Beckett told him he was going to insert his finger. John had to bite his lip hard to keep back a cry of protest as slick thickness pushed it's way in. He couldn't stop himself from shuddering and his thighs tried to push closed. He made the stirrups creak from the pressure he exerted in his attempts. John felt himself trying to pull back until Beckett spoke softly to him.

"You need to relax, major. I know this is uncomfortable but I'll be done soon. Just relax."

So John tried. He tried to breathe deep and slow but when the finger pushed in deeper and started exploring inside him, his own fingers clenched the sheets in a white-knuckled grip. The probing hurt but John said nothing. Then the finger was sliding out of him and he wanted to relax but he felt like he couldn't suck enough air into his lungs to breathe properly.

Beckett pulled off his gloves and went to work removing Sheppard's legs from the stirrups. "All done," he stated. "Whoever checked you did a good job. There's some abrasions but you'll heal fine and proper. You'll just be sore for a few days and I want you on a special diet for a couple of days."

"Fine..whatever." The moment his legs were down and the sheet draped over them, John sat up. "Can I go now?"

"I'll let you get dressed while I write up the diet I want you on for the next few days," Carson replied. "Stop by my office."

John nodded. He wanted to get dressed and out of here. He wanted a long, hot, shower and to hide in his room for a while. "Fine," he said as he slid off the exam table, the sheet wrapped around him.

Carson didn't leave yet. "Major..I think you should talk to Dr. Heightmeyer."

"No!' John practically snarled the word and he wasn't sorry when Beckett flinched. No way in hell was he going to be pushed into talking to a shrink. "I got fucked by my lover!" he continued. "I don't need to discuss details with a goddam shrink!"

"Major...I understand that you're upset," Carson countered, but fell silent when Sheppard glared at him.

John realized he was getting angry with the wrong person and he made the effort to calm down. He took a few deep breaths then apologized. "I'm sorry for biting your head off, doc. I know you're just trying to help, but I'm fine. Okay? Just...let it go. I'll deal with what happened."

Sympathy glinting in his eyes, Carson faced the major. "I won't push the issue right now, but I'm going to ground you for a few days until I'm convinced that you have dealt with it."

"Whatever." John didn't argue the point only because he knew it wouldn't do any good. Beckett had the final say in such matters and, truth be told, right now he didn't feel like going back through the gate. He still wanted only to hole up in his room for a while. "Can I get dressed now?"

"Of course." Carson grabbed his tray and left the area.

Alone again, John let a shudder course through him. He had to grip the side of the bed when his knees buckled and he panted through a wave of nausea that made him gag a bit. Once both passed he was able to get dressed. All he wanted now was a shower and a few hours of oblivion.

But it wasn't to be. The moment John stepped out of the curtain, he ran into Rodney.

"You okay?" Rodney asked, falling into step as Sheppard headed for the door.

"I'm fine," John answered, tersely. He understood Rodney's concern but he wasn't in the mood to deal with it. "Look..I need some down time, okay?" John tried to step around McKay but the man moved with him. So John turned around and strode towards Beckett's office, only now remembering he was supposed to get that special diet.

Rodney cut him off, waving a scrap of paper in Sheppard's face. "I got the diet for you."

John snatched the paper from him. "Great. Thanks." He turned on his heel and made for the door again. Not surprisingly, Rodney was a step behind him. John ignored him, or tried too. He could have used the transporter to reach his room sooner but he bypassed it and kept walking. What John didn't notice was that he was still shaking, not until he had stumbled a few steps and when a hand grabbed his arm to steady him he flinched and pulled back, hitting the wall in his haste, swallowing hard against the nausea that had never quite left him. "Leave me alone, Rodney," John hissed. "Please." If he had to beg for this, he would.

"I can't." Rodney was hovering, pacing in front of him, watching him closely.

"I'm fine." John forced the lie through clenced teeth.

Rodney studied him a moment, as if trying to read his mind, then he shook his head. "No..you're not. And that's to be expected. We need to talk about what happened."

John glared at McKay. "NO..we don't! Leave me alone!" He tried to speed up, to pull away from Mckay, but Rodney just kept pace.

"You can't run away from this!" Rodney hissed, between heavy pants of breath. He was practically running now to keep up with Sheppard.

"I'm not running away!" John snarled. skidding to a halt. He was angry and shaking and he realized he was mostly angry at himself. He wasn't handling this well at all and that pissed him off. It shouldn't be bothering him so much. He'd had sex with Rodney. Sex with his lover. It should have been okay.

Rodney touched his shoulder, pulling back his hand when Sheppard flinched. "It's not okay because you weren't ready for it," he said softly.

John was stunned to realize he had spoken his thoughts outloud. He sucked in a shuddery breath then exhaled slowly, but he couldn't seem to stop shaking. "It was just sex..it's no big deal," he whispered, and he wanted so much to believe his own words. He looked at Rodney, wanting him to believe it, but John could tell that Rodney saw the truth. "Sonofabitch!" John started walking again, aware of Rodney falling into step beside him as if he belonged there. John glared at him. "Why won't you leave me alone!"

"Because you're a mess right now and you shouldn't be alone," Rodney replied, then he waved a hand in John's face to cut off whatever protest he was about to make. "And I don't want to be alone, "Rodney continued. "I want to talk about this. I don't want what happened to fuck up what we have. It's something worth saving."

"We're not fucked up, Rodney," John replied, his voice barely a whisper. "I am. And it's stupid." John suddenly realized he had walked right past his room. He did an about face and strode back, willing the door to open. When it did he stepped inside, knowing that Rodney would follow him. John moved to the center of the room then turned to face the other man. "This is stupid! I'm stupid!"

Rodney looked confused. "Why do you say that?"

John ran a hand through his hair, making it stand up more than usual. "Because I shouldn't be upset about this! You fucked me, big deal. You let me fuck you and you weren't freaking out."

"I let you fuck me because I wanted it," Rodney countered, his voice sharp. He moved to face Sheppard. "I wanted to feel your cock inside me. I've been fucked before, major. I like it. I even like bondage during sex sometimes...it's one of my kinks, as you well know, seeing as how I've tied you up. But what happened to you..that was different. You didn't want me to fuck you and you sure as hell didn't want to be tied up and raped!" Rodney was practically shouting now.

"It wasn't rape!" John yelled back, and he was stunned that Rodney would even say that.

Rodney locked eyes with Sheppard. "Technically...it was."

John shook his head at Rodney. He wanted to point out to Rodney how wrong he was, but he couldn't find the words to explain it. Rodney was just supposed to know these things. Rodney knew everything. "No.." John whispered, finally. "You don't..you don't understand."

"Then explain it to me." Rodney's voice was gentle but his eyes were pleading as he approached Sheppard.

"I can't even explain it to myself," John countered. He backpedalled as Rodney got closer, but stopped when he saw the hurt in the other man's eyes. "It's not about you, Rodney. IT's me."

Rodney nodded then moved to the bed. "Okay. Let's talk about this."

That was the last thing John wanted to do. "No. I don't want to talk, Rodney. I want you to leave me alone for a while."

"Not happening." Rodney sat down on the bed and crossed his arms over his chest, looking for all the world like he wasn't going anywhere for the duration. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You can ask." John figured he might as well play along, maybe then he could bullshit Rodney well enough that he would finally get the hint and leave.

Rodney waited for Sheppard to look at him then blurted out, "Why wouldn't you let me fuck you? I mean..before. You know...here." Rodney shook his head, looking frustrated.

John understood what he was asking. "It takes alot of trust to let someone inside you like that," John replied, and he was actually surprised at himself for answering so readily. Maybe he needed to do this after all.

"And you don't trust me." Rodney's tone was flat.

"I told you...this is not about you, Mckay!" John shot back. He took a step closer then froze, shoving his hands in his pockets so that Rodney wouldn't see how badly he was shaking. "I don't trust easy...but I do trust you. That's...that's half the problem."

Rodney frowned. "Okay..we both know that I'm a genius, but you just confused the hell out of me."

John almost laughed at that and managed to take another step closer without feeling like freaking out. "I've already let you *in*, Rodney. Figuratively. To do so..literally...that would fuck with my control. I don't trust myself to be able to handle it. To not get so sucked in that I lose my focus. If that happens...if I get distracted at the wrong moment...people could get hurt. People could die." John realized he was shaking so hard now that his knees were ready to buckle. Correction, they did buckle and it was only Rodney's quick move to grab him and pull him down on the bed that stopped John from hitting the floor. He found himself wrapped in a hug. An awkward but rather comforting hug. John allowed it for just one moment, then he started to pull away.

"Don't!" Rodney begged, his lips pressed to Sheppard's ear. "I need to hold you..I just..I just want to hold you. Just for a little while."

"Rodney..I'm tired." John wasn't making excuses. He was exhausted to the point that he felt dizzy and sick.

Rodney began to ease them both down onto the bed. "Then go to sleep. I promise I won't do anything but hold you."

John thought he should protest, but he couldn't find a reason to do so. So he let himself be settled on his side, his head on Rodney's chest, Rodney's arms wrapped loosely around him. He was still shaking. He knew Rodney could feel it. John felt as if he should apologize but, for the life of him, he couldn't figure out what for.

"John...can I say something without you wanting to hit me?" Rodney asked, as he shifted a bit closer.

"I don't know," John felt himself almost smile. "I find myself wanting to hit you pretty much everytime you open your mouth."

Rodney snorted. "Ha ha," he drawled, but the laughter soon faded from his voice. "Seriously."

John sighed and found himself shifting closer this time, not that they could actually get any closer without being inside out of each other. "What?"

"What happened...what I did to you...I want to know how you really feel about it," Rodney said softly. "I want to know if you really can deal with it or if it's fucked things up for us. I need to know."

"Yeah...I guess you do," John allowed. He knew it hadn't been easy on Rodney, having to hurt him. Not that John blamed him for that, he didn't. He didn't blame Rodney for anything that had happened. Lifting his head, John looked his lover in the eye. "I'm fucked up right now," he admitted. "But that's me. I don't want this to change things between us, Rodney. I..I'm just not sure I know how to fix myself. It's so stupid."

Rodney smacked John on the back of the head. "Stop saying that. It's not stupid. You know..maybe you need to talk to Heightmeyer."

John tried to sit up, eyes blazing, but Rodney held him down, held him close. Still, John managed to shake his head at him. "I don't need a shrink, goddammit!"

"Then what do you need?" Rodney's sharp tone cut through Sheppard's anger, which lingered between them.

"I told you..I don't know," John whispered, feeling suddenly exhausted and defeated and beyond frustrated. He really wasn't sure what the hell was wrong with him. He was stronger than this, he knew he was. But suddenly he felt like he just a jumble of fucked up emotions and thoughts and doubts.

Rodney sighed then hugged Sheppard to him. "What was it like for you?" he asked suddenly.

John let himself be held, he let himself relax against Rodney. At least that's what he tried to do, but he could feel the tension that practically vibrated throughout his body. "What do you mean?" he asked, as he laid his head back down on Rodney's broad chest.

"When I fucked you..what was it like?" Rodney's tone was hushed. "I can tell you what it was like for me..seeing you like that and fucking you."

"Tell me." John blurted out the request without meaning to. But a part of him wanted to know what Rodney had felt in that moment. All of the sudden he really needed to know.

Rodney hitched up a bit so he could look down at Sheppard, even though his face was turned into Rodney's chest. "I liked seeing you tied up. Seeing you helpless and exposed and open for me. You looked...you were so damn beautiful and so vulnerable...I just wanted to look at you forever."

John wasn't sure if he should be flattered by Rodney's confession or a little bit freaked out. "You act like that's a good thing," he countered, hearing the doubt in his own voice. "Me being helpless and vulnerable." Two things John could never afford to be. Not if he wanted to be able to do his job. He couldn't ever let himself be helpless or vulnerable and still be able to protect his people. To protect Rodney.

"You don't always have to be in control, John," Rodney shot back, as he moved the arm that was wrapped behind sheppard's back and tangled his fingers in the dark hair.

"Yes..I do!" John hissed, feeling himself tense up again, in spite of the soothing quality of Rodney's touch. He loved it when McKay combed his fingers through his hair. But this time he couldn't relax.

Rodney's fingers tightened in Sheppard's hair, drawing his head up to meet his eyes. "No...you don't," he said firmly. "You can't always be in control of everything, not even yourself. Take the advice from an expert on that."

John felt like laughing at that. "I take it you're the expert?" he shot back. Rodney never seemed like he was in control of his emotions. Hell, half the time he couldn't even control what came out of his mouth.

Ignoring Sheppard's question, Rodney continued. "I liked it because it felt like you trusted me. And you did. You trusted me not to hurt you, John..even though you knew I'd have to do just that. You let me inside you because you weren't afraid of the pain. You weren't afraid of me." Rodney looked away for a moment and blinked hard, as if trying to hold back tears.

"I'm not afraid of you, Rodney," John replied, and he was pretty sure he saw telltale moisture in Rodney's eyes. That made his own eyes prickle and John used his free hand to scrub at them. He was so fucking tired. "I'm afraid of myself."

"What did you feel when I fucked you," Rodney prompted.

John sighed, not wanting to face this right now, but he knew that Rodney wouldn't let it go. He didn't have to think about it, he still felt the way he had the moment Rodney had looked at him then pushed into his body. "Exposed," John whispered. Overexposed with all his flaws out there for Rodney to see. Every dirty secret and every invisible scar had been put on display. John had felt cut open and his heart and soul had bled out all over Rodney. Hell, John was still bleeding out even now.

Rodney didn't reply and for a long time silence filled the air, hanging heavy between them. Finally he spoke. "Do you know why I'm attracted to you?" he asked.

"Haven't got a clue," John replied, and he was serious. He and Rodney weren't exactly a match made in heaven. They were pretty much as polar opposite as two people could get yet, somehow, they managed to click together like the last two pieces in a puzzle.

"I'm a sucker for beauty," Rodney admitted. "So that was a big thing. What surprised me was that I'm usually attracted to blonds, but there's something almost exotic about you that just appeals to me."

John felt a bit disgruntled. "So you're attracted to my looks?"

Rodney laughed. "Who isn't? But that's not a bad thing. I wouldn't be half so attracted by them if you were stupid. It's the fact that you're smart that makes you even more beautiful. When you told me you passed Mensa..I about came in my pants."

"That would have been funny," John interjected.

"Glad your'e amused," Rodney drawled, as he went back to combing his fingers through John's hair. "I'm also attracted to the fact that you're a hero of Kirkian proportions..but that you're also scared and it's refreshing as hell to know that you're as human as I am. You just hide it better."

John was insulted. "Hey...I come across as way more human than you do."

Rodney tugged on his hair and sighed. "I meant you hide being scared better. But I see it. I knew you were scared when we became lovers but you didn't let it stop you from what you wanted. And when I had to fuck you, I saw the fear and watching you overcome it was amazing to watch. It made me want you all the more. Which..I suppose, makes me something of a pervert. But I don't really care. I can be who I am with you and you don't give a shit. Whatever I dish out you just dish it back. I can't do that with anyone else." Rodney curled his fingers in Sheppard's hair to hold him still so they could lock eyes. "You can do that with me too, you know."

"Yeah..I know." And John did know. He also knew that Rodney was sliding into romance novel territory with his confessions which was kind of embarrassing on the one hand, but comforting on the other. John knew that Rodney sucked at personal relationships but when they were together, he made the attempt to be good at it. He thought John was worth the effort and that meant more than John had realized until this very moment. But he didn't want to talk about it. "Thanks," he whispered, then he stifled a yawn that threatened to pop his jaw.

"Go to sleep," Rodney ordered, in the tone that was soft with amused affection.

Letting his head drop onto Rodney's chest and closed his eyes. He felt Rodney's fingers still combing through his hair, soothing him into slumber. John let himself drift away because he, at least for the moment, he was safe.

************

He came awake with a start, a cold shudder running through him as he opened his eyes and peered, blearily, about the room. His eyes came to rest on the figure curled up beside him. John smiled as he listened to Rodney's gentle snores. His full bladder nudged him out of bed and it wasn't until he was taking care of business that John realized he was only wearing boxers and a teeshirt. Rodney had undressed him and covered him with a blanket last night. It was a testimony to how tired John had been that he hadn't stirred.

Once his bladder was empty, John realized he needed to wake up and he realized he hadn't been able to shower since the incident. The bath on the planet wasn't quite what John had needed to clean away the the bad memories. So he stripped off his boxers and the tee shirt and stepped into the shower stall. He let the hot water wash over him, scrubbing at his skin with soap and washcloth until he felt more awake and more himself. The memory of Rodney's touch and the feel of Rodney's cock inside him hadn't washed away, however. John was still sore enough that he knew he wouldn't be able to forget for a while.

Stepping out of the shower, he rubbed on deodorant and towel-dried his hair. His clothes were in the other room so John wrapped a towel around his waist and snuck out there to grab boxers and slip them on. He had to drop the towel to do that and he had just pulled them into place when Rodney's voice startled him.

"You have a great ass."

"Thanks." John tried to relax muscles that were suddenly tense. He grabbed a tee shirt and yanked it on, then turned to face his lover. "You can have the shower," he offered.

Rodney nodded. "You okay?"

John shrugged. "Sure. You hungry?"

"John?" Rodney slid off the bed and moved to stand in front of him. Then he cupped John's face and kissed him. Soft, tender, nipping kisses.

Good kisses, John thought, as he kissed back. He liked the way Rodney kissed him, like he wanted to taste him then devour him. John matched Rodney's passion as the kisses deepened but he pulled away when Rodney's hand slid down his back to cup his ass. The grip was rough and reminded him of how sore he was. Which reminded him of what had happened between them. John pulled away and fumbled for a pair of BDU's.

Rodney cursed. "I'm sorry...sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"It's okay." John got his pants on then he grabbed his boots and sat on the bed to lace them on. "I'm gonna go grab something to eat," he said, once they were on and he was standing again. "I'll talk to you later." John knew Rodney didn't deserve this. He knew he shouldn't blow him off like this, but he felt like he was suffocating all of the sudden. He couldn't breathe. So he dived through the doors, that opened with a thought, then he was almost running down the corridor. John bypassed the mess hall and headed straight for the south balcony. Once he was outside he sucked in lungfuls of air then cursed himself for a fool. He was acting like some goddamned virgin and it pissed him off. It shamed him as well. But he couldn't stop the way his body trembled. He couldn't help the fear that rippled through him. He loved Rodney. He loved having sex with Rodney. He had fucked Rodney and Rodney fucking him back should have been okay.

But it wasn't, and John didn't know how to make it be okay. He didn't know how to fix himself.

************

John managed to avoid Rodney for two days. But come supper time of the second day, Rodney bulldozed his way into John's room with a tray loaded down with food. Or what passed for food on Atlantis. John had been reading and when Rodney waltzed in like he owned the place, having bypassed the door so that he didn't even have to knock, he set aside his book and stared.

Rodney set the tray on the desk and announced,"I brought dinner."

"I can see that," John replied. He didn't move off the bed.

"You've been avoiding me." Rodney turned and shook an accusing finger at Sheppard.

John winced but didn't deny it. "I'm sorry," he whispered, and he meant it. Being apart from Rodney hadn't helped. It had just made him feel lonely. So he slid off the bed, invaded Rodney's personal space, cupped Rodney's face in both hands and kissed him. When he broke the kiss so they could both suck in some much needed oxygen, John asked, "Do you forgive me?"

Rodney grinned at him. "More or less," he allowed. "You hungry? I know you've been off your feed."

"I'm not a horse," John reminded him, but he smiled at the teasing. He had missed it.

"You can eat like one though, and never gain and ounce. Bastard." Rodney's voice was sharp but there was an undertone of affection bleeding through.

John accepted a plateful of what looked like lasagna and took a bite. "Good metabolism," he said between chewing and swallowing. Then he made a face. "God..this is awful." John set the plate down on the tray and grabbed the glass of juice Rodney had brought to drink. He recognized it as Gava berry juice they had bartered for on planet M3M-343. It tasted a bit like papaya juice and it killed the taste of the *not* lasagna.

Rodney watched him while shoveling the stuff into his mouth. He chewed rapidly then swallowed, then set his half emptied plate aside. He drank some of his own juice then he smiled and approached John. "I've missed you,"

"Yeah..I've missed you too." John wasn't going to pretend otherwise.

"Good." Rodney looked a bit smug, but it faded and his expression turned serious. "Can I ask you something?"

The look on Rodney's face was hard for John to define, but it bothered him. "You can ask," he replied.

Rodney nodded then did just that. "Do you still want to have sex?"

"Nothing like being blunt," John shot back and a part of him was peeved while another part of him was almost relieved. He knew they needed to talk about this and he'd been thinking about it.

"Blunt is what I do," Rodney said, making no apologies. "Look..I need to know."

John stiffened at that. "Let me guess, if I say no you're out of here...right?"

Rodney reeled back as if he'd been struck by a blow. "You asshole!" he snapped. "Is that what you think of me? That all I care about is the sex? Because if that's what you think then you're right..I"m out of here." He made to stalk towards the door but stopped when John grabbed his arm.

"I'm sorry," John whispered. "I know you care about more than the sex." He did know that and he believed that. John felt about two inches tall right now.

"You should be sorry," Rodney groused. "Look..you know I care about you. I care about our friendship. I dont' want to lose you or the friendship, but I'd really like to keep the sex thing going as well. You know?"

John felt a grin curve his mouth. "Yeah..I know." He liked the sex thing between them because it was Rodney and Rodney made him feel good in a way that no one else ever had, or ever would. "I want to have sex with you," John declared.

Rodney's face lit up. "Really? Like right now?"

"Now is good," John agreed, and he made the first move by tugging Rodney's shirt up and over his head. Then he leaned in and kissed Rodney's nipples. Sucking on first one then the other until Rodney was whimpering. John liked making Rodney whimper. "Get naked," he ordered.

"You too," Rodney replied, even as he made to kick off his own shoes.

John was barefoot already, and commando, so it didnt' take long to strip off pants and tee shirt and then Rodney was there, pressed against him, fingers curled in John's hair, kissing him even as he guided them towards the bed. They kissed for what seemed like forever. Soft kisses sliding into deep, wet, hard kisses. Hands roaming over each other, teasing and tweaking and tickling and caressing. Mapping bone and muscles and ghosting over hair-roughened skin. Then Rodney was shifting away and John whined in protest.

Rodney cupped his face with one hand. "You can fuck me," he offered.

All of the sudden John found it hard to breathe. He realized why Rodney was giving him this and it touched him deeply. His cock throbbed into aching hardness but John shook his head. "No..I want you to fuck me."

"John.." Rodney began, but fell silent when John kissed him.

"I want you too," John insisted, as he nipped Rodney's lower lip. "I need you too. Please." It was begging and John didn't care. He had been afraid to let Rodney inside him, Afraid for reasons he still couldn't really define. But Rodney had already been inside him only it wasn't the way it was supposed to be. John wanted it to be different this time. This wasn't about sucking it up to save Ford and Teyla, it was about making love with Rodney. It was about accepting his lover into his body because he wanted to be connected to Rodney in the most intimate way possible.

Rodney was staring at John, wide-eyed and hopeful looking. Then he nodded and moved to the bedside table. He retrieved the bottle of lube then gestured to the bed. "Lay down."

It took John a moment to obey. He was shaking and he had to unlock his knees to move and when he did that he nearly stumbled. Without realizing it he reached the bed and Rodney was there, a hand on his chest, easing him down onto his back and John's entire body felt tense. But when Rodney settled over him, John felt himself relaxing. This was warm and familiar and he felt his cock stirring again.

They kissed and touched each other and John didn't flinch when Rodney moved back to open his legs, exposing him. He didn't bat an eye when a slick finger slid inside him. He was a little sore but Rodney was careful, almost too careful, and then he curved his finger and shockwaves of pleasure went off everywhere. John heard moaning and begging and realized he was the one making all the noise as another finger slid inside him then Rodney's mouth was closing over the tip of his cock and John couldn't hold back. He came hard and long and he was still shuddering through the aftershocks when Rodney pressed against his opening. John caught his breath.

Rodney touched his face with one hand. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes." John held Rodney's gaze as he whispered the word and he didn't look away as Rodney pressed into him. He knew what to do to accept Rodney's hardness inside him and John did it, exhaling and bearing down and it burned a little and the pressure was intense but John felt the friction turn to pleasure because it was Rodney inside him and this time he could touch Rodney. He could brush his fingers over Rodney's face and smile at the desire that burned in the blue eyes. He could feel the way Rodney trembled, and lift his head to press his lips to Rodney's sweat-slicked shoulder, tasting salt and licking at it once Rodney was all the way in.

It was intense and scary and wonderful all at the same time and John felt a flutter of panic. But Rodney was leaning in and kissing away his fear and then he was moving and John felt his own hips hitch up, wanting to push back as Rodney pushed in deeper and suddenly everything made sense and there was nothing left but pleasure. What he was feeling and what he could see Rodney was feeling when he looked in his lover's eyes.

"More," John whispered, when Rodney seemed to hesitate. John could tell he wanted to thrust harder and faster and he wanted to feel that now.

"I don't want to hurt you," Rodney replied, his voice rough and low as he tried to keep his breathing even.

John let his fingertips glide over Rodney's forearms, feeling the corded muscles flex from the strain of keeping himself controlled. "You can't hurt me," John whispered. "Please, Rodney. I want more."

Rodney moaned, shifting a bit, changing the angles of his thrusts as he pressed in deeper still, grinding in now as if he would burrow all the way inside of John.

"God..Rodney..god!" John shuddered as wave after wave of pleasure washed over him. He slid his legs off of Rodney's shoulders so he could wrap them around the solid waist, holding Rodney deep inside him.

"So..so beautiful..you..so beautiful," Rodney countered, then he was leaning in to kiss John, no finesse there, just lots of tongue and sucking and tasting and then he was coming and coming.

John felt it and held on tight. He drew Rodney down on top of him, holding him through the spasms that shook him. "Don't!" he hissed, when Rodney tried to pull away, tried to pull out.

Rodney looked at him. "You're still sore," he said bluntly.

"It feels good," John whispered, although *wonderful* was a better word to describe it. He felt connected to Rodney in a way that made him complete. "Just for a minute. I just want to feel you like this for a minute."

"I can do that," Rodney allowed, as he slumped back over John. But a moment later he lifted his head again. "You sure you're okay?"

John smiled, lifting his head to press a cheek to the lopsided corner of Rodney's mouth. "Better than okay," he replied. And he could tell by the look in Rodney's eyes that he believed him.

Which meant John could believe it too.

THE END