Slipping Through The Cracks

by Merlin7

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asm/merlin7/cracks.php
Summary: Not supplied

2 months later

John stood at the end of the exam bed that Rodney was currently laying on. He watched as Beckett worked on Rodney's left arm. He sported a three inch cut that looked deep and had bled a fair amount. Luckily it had been a matter of a quick walk to the gate, back to Atlantis and John listened as Beckett assured Rodney he would be just fine. Not that it made Rodney complain any less, but Sheppard tuned them both out. He was trying to figure out what had gone wrong.

They had been on a nearby world, scouting some energy fluctuations. They had discovered three, abandoned, buildings and had split up to investigate them. Rodney had insisted he would be fine with Teyla but soon after stepping into his own building, John had been radioed by Teyla informing him that Rodney had been injured. So they had wrapped a dressing on the wound and headed through the gate. Rodney had explained that he had stumbled and must have fallen against something sharp, but John sensed that there was something Rodney wasn't telling them. Maybe he was embarrassed. Or maybe John was being paranoid.

He was tired. Actually, he was beyond tired. As John scrubbed one hand over his face, he realized he hadn't slept more than two hours at a stretch in over a week. He rubbed his eyes and tuned back in to the conversation going on, just in time to hear Beckett tell Rodney that he could go.

"It's not infected, right? I'm not going to catch anything, am I?" Rodney was asking.

"You're fine, Rodney," Carson assured him. "Just a few stitches and you need to keep it dry for a few days. I'll give you some tylenol and an antibiotic to take, just as a precautionary measure. You're going to be fine."

Rodney made a face as he slid off the exam table. "Easy for you to say," he groused.

Carson rolled his eyes as he started cleaning up the bandages and cotton swatches he had used. "Stop and see Marie on your way out. Tell her to give you two days worth of tylenol and Zithromax. Oh...and stop in tomorrow morning so I can check the bandages."

"Whatever," Rodney said, airly. He stepped around Carson and shot a look at John as he passed.

"I'll walk you to your room," John offered, as he made to follow, only to find a heavy hand on his arm.

Carson was shaking his head at him. "And where do you think you're going, major? You haven't had your post exam yet."

John realized he had forgotten. One of the nurses, Jennie, had cleared Ford and Teyla, but John had blown her off. He thought about trying to blow off Beckett, but he knew that post-exams were mandatory. So John heaved a sigh as he shrugged out of his jacket. Then he hopped up on the exam table that Rodney had just vacated.

"Good lad," said Carson, as he unwrapped his stethoscope from around his neck.

John suffered through having his heart and lungs checked, his pulse and blood pressure taken, and not blinking as Beckett shone a light in his eyes. Finally it was over and John made to slide off the table, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. "What?" John asked, as he locked eyes with the doctor.

Carson looked a bit grim. "I'm not liking what I see, major," he stated.

"What do you mean?" John asked, and he felt himself tense up. It took an effort on his part not to reach for his jacket and bail.

"I'll give you the list," Carson replied, holding up his right hand. Then he used his left to tick off his fingers. "You're pale and possibly anemic...You're obviously exhausted...And you're weight is down again."

John had heard this list before, more than once, and he lifted his own hand to wave Beckett off. "I've been busy. We all have. You know that."

Carson nodded. "Aye. But be that as it may, bottom line is you're worn out, major. So...I'm grounding you for a week."

"You can't do that!" John protested, and now he was getting pissed.

"Of course I can," Carson countered, and his tone made it clear that he would brook no argument. "Now..my first instinct is to keep you hear at least overnight."

John shook his head. "No..forget it." On that point he was adamant.

Carson shrugged. "I figured as much. Okay then, I'll trust you to behave yourself. But I want you to go to your room and get some sleep. And lots of it. And I want you start eating six, small, calorie-packed, meals a day. Check back with me in the morning and we'll do an official weigh in. If you don't gain at least three pounds by next week then you'll stay grounded." Carson arched an eyebrow at Sheppard when it looked like he might argue with him.

"Fine!" John growled, he knew when he was beaten. And he was too tired to protest at this point. He would get some sleep then he would duke it out with Beckett in the morning.

"Good lad," Carson said approvingly. "Go rest and I'll let Weir know about my decision." With that Carson headed off.

John grabbed his jacket and shrugged it on, then he headed out as well. He headed to his room, not really remembering making the journey, and thought the door open. He was already shrugging out of his jacket when he realized he was not alone.

Rodney had been pacing but now he stop and glared at John. "Where the hell were you?"

"Post exam." John stepped back towards the door without thinking and it whooshed shut behind him. "What are you doing here, Rodney?" John had walked out on him three days ago. They were still team members, but John had to pull away from their other relationship. What had started out as something wonderful and mutual had denegrated into something that scared John because it had warped into something he didn't recognise. After Rodney had first tied him up, two months ago, John had tried to tell him he didn't want to do that anymore. Instead they had progressed things. Rodney had progressed things. And Rodney had morphed into someone John didn't recognize anymore. At least, not in the bedroom.

"I forgot about the post exam," Rodney replied, as he took a step closer.

John took a step back. He had to be strong about this. "Carson grounded me."

That startled Rodney. "Really? Why?" And there was suspicion in his tone.

"He says I'm run down." John stepped around to the left of Rodney. He refused to give himself the option of running out the door. This was his room and he was staying.

"I've worn you out," Rodney purred, and a cold smile of satisfaction curved his lips as he took another step closer to John. "It's okay. I'll take care of you." He blocked John from stepping around him again. Rodney reached out and let his fingertip brush against John's cheek.

John pulled away, determined not to let Rodney get under his skin again. "I need a shower." He meant for it to come out sharp and firm but he was so damn tired that it was barely a whisper. And John really did want a shower. He felt dirty and gritty and he wanted to let the water melt him down into feeling human again. But even as he turned to go, he felt fingers curling in his hair and he was yanked back around.

Rodney was snarling as he forced John down onto his knees. Then he tugged his head back with cruel fingers. "I didn't give you permission, major!"

"Rodney.." John began, but broke off to bite his lip against a flare of pain as the fingers in his hair tightened.

"I was careful not to hurt myself too severely this time," Rodney whispered, as he leaned in to press his lips to John's ear. Then his voice turned harsh as he hissed, "Next time I won't be so careful! Understand?" And he tugged on John's hair again to get his point across.

The pain in John's scalp faded as his stomach roiled and twisted into knots. Suddenly it all made sense. Rodney had cut himself on purpose. He had carried through with his threat. Over two weeks ago John had made his first stand against Rodney slipping into S & M mode during sex. Because that's what it had become between them. Kinky, painful, brutal and domineering, sex. And Rodney got off on it. Which John had been able to deal with at first. Because in between Rodney had been gentle and loving again. Warm and sexy and passionate. But that trickled away until all that was left was Rodney's need to tie John up and use him.

So John had threatened to leave him, all the while praying that Rodney wouldn't force him to do so. Rodney had begged John to forgive him and had seemed horrified by what he had become. And for two days everything had gone back to the way it had started. They had made love together, giving each other pleasure and John had been allowed to touch Rodney and kiss him and hold him as they slept. But on the third night, John had fallen asleep alone. Rodney had been working in his lab still. But he woke up when Rodney tied him to the bed and the cycle started all over again, only worse than before. So he had walked out, without looking back. But it hadn't been easy. Rodney would corner him, begging for John to come back to him. And John had given Rodney another chance, but had awakened tied up again. So he left again.

But two days later, Rodney had ended up in the infirmary suffering from anaphylactic shock. Somehow he had, accidentally, ingested something with lemon in it. For twenty-four hours he had been very sick and John hadn't left his side. He loved Rodney, in spite of everything that had changed between them. But then Rodney had awakened and informed John that it wasn't an accident. He had taken the lemon on purpose. He couldn't live without John. And he swore he would try again if John didn't come back to him. John had been stunned but he had called Rodney's bluff. He knew Rodney. Rodney did not want to die and he wouldn't risk death just to have John back in his bed.

But John snapped back into the moment as he realized Rodney was serious. He would hurt himself if John didn't go back to him. And John could not let that happen. Because he loved Rodney and because he knew that Rodney was sick. He needed help, and John would figure out a way to help him. Because he knew, deep down inside, that Rodney still loved him too. It slipped out at unexpected moments. It was in the way Rodney would touch him as he untied him. The way he would look at him with this glow in his eyes. The way nothing had ever changed between them in public. How they were still the same people. All of that gave John hope.

"Answer me, major!" Rodney snarled, yanking John's head back further. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, Rodney," John whispered. "I understand." He felt the fingers in his hair uncurl, massaging his scalp now, and John felt almost sickened by how gentle Rodney was in this moment. It was as if he were two different people and John didn't understand why this had happened. But he knew he had to be strong enough to figure it out. He closed his eyes as Rodney knelt down in front of him, cradling his face in his palms. And then Rodney was kissing him, teasing kisses and tender nips and John wanted to believe that everything would be okay now. But he knew it wouldn't be. He had to fix Rodney first.

Rodney pulled back and smiled at John. "God I missed you," he said softly. "You don't know how much. How I couldn't eat or sleep without you. But it's okay now, John. Now that we're back together...everything will be okay again."

John nodded, forcing a smile to curve his lips. He leaned in and kissed Rodney, wanting to taste him. Wanting more of the kisses he remembered. He missed this. This warmth and passionate hunger. Missed being able to plunder Rodney's mouth, tangling their tongues together. Missed being able to touch Rodney and make him moan, swallowing the sound and feeling it vibrate through him. He let himself melt into Rodney but then he felt it. The change. And when Rodney pulled back to look at him, John saw the cold hunger in his eyes. He saw the darkness and it made him shudder.

"Get up, major!" Rodney ordered, as he rose to his feet.

John did as he was told.

Rodney looked pleased. "Get undressed."

John considered refusing, but he thought better of it. He would do this and maybe he could reach Rodney this time. Sometimes he was able to shake Rodney out of the coldness and Rodney would ask for forgiveness. Beg for it. And John would see the love shining in Rodney's eyes. Love and sorrow and he knew something was broken inside of Rodney and if he was patient he would be able to find away to fix it. So he stripped off his clothes, trying not to shiver as Rodney's gaze slid over him. John felt cold and exposed and far too vulnerable. But he could do this because he knew Rodney couldn't break him.

"They're fading," Rodney whispered, his tone almost reverent as he reached out and traced a fingertip over the pale bruises that marked John's skin. He traced the fingershaped patterns on John's thighs and hips, then stepped around behind him to press his hand into the marks he had made on the taut ass. "So beautiful," Rodney breathed. Then he stepped in front of him again, reaching for John's right arm. Rodney pulled off the black wristband, revealing fading red marks. He did the same thing with John's watch, then he pressed his lips to each wrist.

It made John ache to feel such tenderness from Rodney. Then the strong hands were cupping his face again and John let Rodney kiss him. Let himself kiss back, knowing what Rodney liked. For a moment John got lost in the familiar taste and sweetness of it, until Rodney pulled back and hissed,

"Get in the shower!"

Without hesitation, John went into the bathroom and turned on the water. He stepped under it and closed his eyes, but he knew the moment Rodney entered the room.

Rodney moved closer, but not close enough to get wet. "You know what to do, major." His tone was harsh.

"Come in with me, Rodney," John invited. "We can find something to cover your bandage." As he spoke, John opened his eyes and turned to face Rodney. He let the love he felt show as he met Rodney's cold gaze.

"Don't piss me off, major!" Rodney snapped. "Or next time I cut myself I'll use your knife. Better yet, I'll find a way to blame Kavanaugh for it, stupid prick that he is."

John didn't want to believe what he was hearing, and yet he knew Rodney meant it. And he knew that this was wrong. All of this. But he couldn't fix it, not yet, so John reached for the soap and started washing himself. Just the way he knew Rodney wanted him to do it. Letting his hands glide over his skin and washing inch of himself accept for his cock. Then John rinsed off and kept his eyes lowered, waiting for the next order.

Rodney took a step closer and licked his lips as he let his eyes roam over John from head to toe. Then his gaze came to rest on John's cock. "Make yourself come, major," Rodney whispered, and his voice was hoarse with need. "Do it!"

Slicking his palm with soap, John gripped his cock. He was soft so he stroked firmly, but he didn't harden. HE was too tired and too sickened by everything. By the thought of what Rodney had done to himself.

"Water off!" Rodney snarled.

John thought it off and a moment later Rodney was in front of him. He felt himself grabbed and spun around and John caught himself with his hands against the slick tile. He bit his lip as a thick finger pushed into him, but he couldn't hold back a moan when Rodney breeched him with his cock just a moment later. He wasn't open enough, wasn't ready, but Rodney didn't ease up, not until he was all the way inside. John shuddered as he tried to breathe through the pain. Then Rodney's mouth was pressed to his ear.

"Why do you make me hurt you, major?" Rodney whispered. "I don't want to hurt you. You know that." As he spoke, Rodney began to move.

John felt the slow thrust out, then the slower push back in and his body rocked to Rodney's rythmn. He felt Rodney's fingers digging into his hips and new there would be fresh bruises.

Rodney bit John's shoulder as he came, hard and long, then he slumped against him and whispered, "This is all your fault, major."

John was beginning to believe that.

"Get cleaned up then come to bed," Rodney ordered.

John felt him pull out and heard Rodney tucking himself back into his pants. Once he knew Rodney was gone he turned the water back on and washed up. He felt numb. He knew Rodney would be waiting so he stepped out and dried off, not bothering to keep the towel. Rodney would want him naked. So John headed into the other room and saw that Rodney was stretched out on the bed, naked as well now.

Seeing John approaching, Rodney sat up and opened his arms. "Come lay with me, John," he invited.

Moving to the bed, John's eyes locked on the white bandage wrapped around Rodney's forearm, even as he curled himself into Rodney's embrace. He felt Rodney's lips against his temple, pressing soft kisses there then down the side of his face.

"So beautiful, John," Rodney whispered. "So beautiful and all mine."

"All yours, Rodney," John whispered back. Then he closed his eyes and somehow slid into darkness.

***

The next week passed slowly for John. He ate what he could so that he would gain the weight that Beckett wanted him to gain. He caught up on all of his reports which made Weir ecstatic. He worked with Rodney in the lab, and most of the time Zalenka was with them and it was John's favorite time of the day. He and Rodney would snark at each other and it was the perfect illusion. And John clung to it.

Every night he slept in Rodney's bed. They would eat and drink some Athosian wine. Then Rodney would tie him up and fuck him and then hold him and whisper how much he loved him until John fell asleep. And he slept without dreaming but only because the wine was drugged. John knew it and he allowed it. He welcomed the sweet oblivion.

By the end of the week, John felt as if his life had become surreal. As if he were living in a dream. Rodney seemed more like Rodney. And the only reminder of what was real between them, beyond the bondage at night, was the way Rodney would touch his bandaged arm, whenever John was looking. And then with two nights left to go on his grounding, Rodney made love to John without binding him. He let John touch him and taste him and it was better than John remembered it being. And they held each other and Rodney apologized and he told John that he was just tired sometimes. And John believed him, even though he knew this wouldn't last. But maybe what he was doing was helping Rodney. John clung to that hope.

The next day Beckett weighed John and examined him and even though he hadn't quite gained three pounds, Beckett cleared him back to full duty status. John was happy and so was Weir. She had a mission all set for them on M;72-773. They bartered food goods with the Caliddians in exchange for offering a show of protection from a renegade faction that terrorized the various towns. It was time for a show of force to keep the renegades in check and John's team had gone there last month, so it would be in good faith for them to go again. John was more than ready.

Rodney was ready too. When John went to his room, Rodney had dinner ready. They ate then got undressed and John was pleased when Rodney let him make the first move. Then landed on the bed in a tangle of limbs and John made love with Rodney and it was perfect. He shuddered his release then let his legs fall open, so that Rodney could prepare him. He wanted to feel Rodney deep inside him. But even as he reached for his lover, John saw the switch click and cold hunger glimmered in the blue eyes that swept over him.

"On your hands and knees!" Rodney ordered.

"I want to watch you come," John countered, reaching out for Rodney's cock. He wanted to see if he could bring Rodney back. If he could ground him again. But his wrist was gripped hard and John knew his Rodney was lost to him in this moment. He let himself be pulled up then positioned himself on his knees so that Rodney could tie his wrists together then bind them to the headboard. John hated being this way. So exposed and vulnerable, but he said nothing as slick fingers pressed inside him. And when Rodney slammed into him, John just gripped the head board and held on tight. And when it was over he let Rodney wash him, even though the bindings on his wrists remained. And when Rodney whispered,

"I love you, John." John let himself believe it.

***

The next morning John's team headed out.

Six hours later they came back.

John didnt' remember the trip, he had been caught in an explosion.

~~~

Elizabeth sat in her office, staring at her computer screen. But she couldn't focus on the reports, her thoughts were on Major Sheppard in the infirmary. A part of her wanted to be there now, but she knew she would only be in the way. Beckett would take care of him, but the waiting was hard. And it didn't get easier with practice.

From Ford she had learned that the team had made their way towards the village and about twenty yards from it they had found trouble. Sheppard had spotted the trip wire and he had shouted a warning to the others, but Teyla had already stepped into it and Sheppard had shoved her out of the way, taking the brunt of the explosion. The shock wave had sent him flying to land in a heap of rubble. Ford had made the call to get Sheppard back to the Jumper ASAP and they had returned to Atlantis.

Elizabeth knew she would have to deal with the Caliddians at a later date, but it was of little importance to her at the moment. She just wanted Major Sheppard to be okay. Atlantis needed him. With that thought in mind, Elizabeth rose from her chair. She would head for the infirmary, to hell with the reports. But even as she took a step towards the door, Dr. Beckett appeared. Elizabeth couldn't read the look on his face and that made her nervous. "How is the major?"

Carson stepped in, closing the door behind him, before he replied. "We need to talk."

"What's wrong? Is he all right?" Elizabeth heard warning bells going off in her head.

"He'll live." But Carson's tone was grim as he dropped into the chair across from Weir's desk. "He has a mild concussion, some cracked ribs and a sore shoulder. But that's not what worries me."

Elizabeth was getting more nervous by the minute. "What then?" she prompted.

Carson gestured to her chair. "You'd better sit down."

"Okay." Elizabeth did as she was told, sensing that it was for the best. Still, she tried to prepare herself for whatever Beckett was going to say. But nothing could have prepared her for the cold, hard, truth.

***

John came awake slowly. His body ached, his head felt like someone was trying to drill their way out of his skull and breathing hurt unless he kept it slow and shallow. And with awareness came the memory of what had happened. "Teyla!" John sat up sharply and instantly regretted it. He fell back against the pillows, holding his side and trying not to cough. And at the same time he swallowed hard to hold back the nausea brought on by the dizziness that was making his bed spin.

"Easy, major...just relax and take easy breaths."

Eyes closed, John still recognized Beckett's voice. He wanted to tell him he was doing that already and it wasn't helping, but suddenly the nausea eased, the pain in his ribs faded to twinges and his head felt like it might still be attached. Carefully, John opened his eyes.

Carson smiled at him, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Better?" he asked.

"Better," John replied, knowing it would be a mistake to even think about nodding. "Teyla? Is she okay?"

"She's fine, major. Not a scratch on her." Carson gripped Sheppard's wrist to take his pulse, then he moved to adjust his IV. "You're the only one who was hurt."

John felt relief wash over him and it left him feeling a bit dizzy. But the good kind of dizzy. "Good. How long was I out?"

Carson grabbed a stool and sat down before replying. "About a day. You were in and out, mostly out. So don't be getting any ideas of leaving here right away. You'll be spending a few days with me."

"I doubt I could escape if I wanted to," John admitted. And he was a bit surprised at himself for doing so. Beckett seemed surprised too, but then his expression darkened and John got the feeling something bad had happened. "What's wrong?" he prompted.

"We need to talk about something, major. Are you feeling up to it?"

John wasn't sure how to answer that. He sensed it was important though so he managed a tiny nod. "Sure...what is it?"

Carson rubbed a hand over his face, heaved a sigh, then began. "First off, just so you know, you have a concussion and a few cracked ribs. Plus you banged your left shoulder up pretty good. In a few days I'll start you on physical therapy and you can follow up on your own with that."

"Sounds reasonable," John allowed, and he was pretty sure this was not what Beckett wanted to about. Whatever it was, the doctor was sidestepping. That made John nervous.

"All right then." Carson took another breath and released it slowly. "When they brought you in I did a thorough exam." He stopped and locked eyes with Sheppard. "I know what happened, major."

John froze, warning bells clanging in his head. "What are you talking about?"

Carson held Sheppard's gaze then blurted out, "I know you were raped."

"No.." John whispered the word, forcing it past the thickness in his throat as panic flared up and washed over him.

"There was tearing and bruising," Carson continued. "You didn't need any stitches but I'm guessing it happened just before you went on the mission."

John swallowed against the bile that rose in his throat. Swallowed back a hysterical giggle. His mind replayed the hours before the mission. John had awakened first and had tried to slip out of bed without waking Rodney. But Rodney felt the movement and he was already reaching for the rope. Even while tying him, Rodney had warned John to be good or he would hurt himself on the mission. So John had submitted, just the way Rodney wanted him too. He had ignored being sore. He had just said the right thing at the right time and then it was over and Rodney had gone back to being the Rodney he used to be. The Rodney he still was in the public eye. The Rodney John missed so damn much. Feeling a odd calm settle over him, John looked at Beckett and said, firmly, "It wasn't rape."

Carson's eyes widened in disbelief and he shook his head. "Major...I saw the bruises and the ligature marks. I saw the tearing, remember? I had to do an internal."

That fact made John feel more violated than anything Rodney had ever done. Rodney didn't understand what he was doing. Rodney was sick. Anger colored John's voice as he spat at Beckett, "You had no right!"

"As your doctor, I had every right," Carson countered, firmly.

"It wasn't rape," John repeated, his voice barely a whisper now. And he closed his eyes, hating the way Beckett was looking at him. With pity.

Carson sighed. "Look..major...denial in common in rape cases."

At that John's eyes flew open. "It wasn't rape!" he snarled.

"You were tied up and you have bruises everywhere," Carson shot back.

"I like it rough!" John had to grit the words out through clenched teeth. He had to tell the lie. If he didn't someone might learn the truth. He had a sudden fear that Beckett would guess it was Rodney and then Rodney's life, as he knew it, would be over. John was not going to let that happen. He had to protect Rodney at all cost.

Carson opened his mouth as if to protest, but closed it and shook his head. He got up and pushed the stool away. "Okay, major...we'll drop it for the moment." From his lab coat pocket he withdrew a syringe and moved to the IV line. "I'm going to give you a little something for the pain and to help you sleep."

John nodded at that. He wanted the oblivion. Maybe he would wake up and this will have been just a dream. So he closed his eyes and felt liquid warmth spreading through out his veins. A heartbeat later he swirled into darkness.

***

John could feel someone watching him. He wanted to stay asleep, but he had to know who was there, so he opened his eyes and he was a little surprised to see Rodney smiling at him. And it was the smug smile he had fallen in love with. Then John remembered that he was in the infirmary, a public place, so Rodney would be playing his part to perfection. As if nothing had ever happened between them. Nothing had ever changed.

Seeing that John was awake, Rodney moved closer to the bed. "How do you feel?" he asked, as his eyes roamed over John.

"Been better...been worse." Typical Major Sheppard answer and it felt almost good to give it, John realized.

"We almost lost you this time." There was real fear in Rodney's words.

John resisted the urge to reach out to him, but he wanted to reassure his lover. "I'm okay, Rodney. I'm not going anywhere." He thought that Rodney got the message.

Rodney smiled and nodded then looked like he was about to say something more when footsteps sounded and he turned to see who was coming.

John looked over Rodney's shoulder and winced. He wasn't ready to face Weir, but there she was and she was smiling at him.

"How are you feeling, major?" Elizabeth asked.

"I'm good." John settled for his standard reply. He had a part to play as well.

Elizabeth nodded. "We need to talk." She gave Rodney a look that asked him to give them some privacy.

Rodney caught on. He was a genius after all. "I have some stuff to do. I'll stop by later, major," he said, then he turned on his heel and walked out.

John watched as Elizabeth grabbed the stool and pulled it over to the bed. Looking at her face, he knew what she wanted to talk about. Beckett had told her his version of the truth. "It's not what you think," John stated, before she could say anything.

"What do I think?" Elizabeth prompted, looking surprised by his words.

"Beckett talked to you, didn't he?"

Elizabeth nodded. "Yes, he did."

John sighed and closed his eyes. "I wasn't raped."

"He told me you were in denial."

"I'm not in denial!" John snarled, as his eyes snapped open. He glared at her. John knew what he had to do. What he had to say so that he could convince her to drop this. "I'm sure you don't want to here this, doctor...but I like sex with men, okay? I like taking it up the ass and I like it rough. Sorry if that offends you but that's the way it is. So Beckett is wrong. I wasn't raped! S & M is my dirty little secret and I'd like to keep it that way!" He didn't want to look at her, but John needed to know what her reaction was going to be so he made himself lock eyes with Weir.

She looked stunned. But then she shook herself and said, "John...I want you to talk to Heightmyer."

He didn't even hesitate. "No." No way in hell was he talking to a shrink about this or anything else.

"I'm making it an order," Elizabeth shot back.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" John felt true fury in this moment. Who the hell was she to judge him? "You don't have to like it, doctor, but you're going to have to deal with the fact that I like rough sex with men. I'm sure the whole Chaya thing confused you, but it shouldn't. I'm bi, okay? Always have been. Being in the military I'm usually more careful, but this is a whole nother galaxy so I let my kink get the better of me. It won't happen again. So can we drop this now?" John hoped she would get the message and let them both move on.

Elizabeth studied him for a long moment, as if weighing his words, but then she shook her head. "I'm sorry, major, but I don't believe you. I think you're trying to protect whoever did this too you. But you don't have to be afraid. I've already launched an investigation and I promise you it will be discreet."

John felt his entire world tip over at her words. If they looked too hard, pushed too deep, they would find out about Rodney. "You have no right!" John snarled, as he came up off the bed and got in her face. His legs felt like jello but he locked his knees and started screaming at her. "Call it off! Do you hear me?"

"Major!"

He heard Beckett's voice but ignored him. John was totally focused on Weir. Until hands grabbed him, pulling him away from her, pressing him back onto the bed and John fought against them, fought against being restrained until a pinprick in his shoulder sent him spiralling into sweet darkness.

Elizbeth watched as Beckett settled the covers over Sheppard's still form. "What now?" she asked, when the doctor turned back around to face her.

"We keep trying," Carson replied. "Kate is ready to talk to him the next time he wakes up."

"When will that be?" Elizabeth queried.

Carson sighed and massaged his temples. "Hard to say. Maybe six hours."

Elizabeth resisted the urge to rub her own temples. "This isn't going to be easy, is it?"

"When is it ever?" Carson countered. "I'll call you when I need you." It was a subtle invitation to leave.

"Okay." Elizabeth took one last look at Sheppard's still form, then she turned and walked away.

~~~

Elizabeth was tired, but she refused to let her body slump into her chair. But she did rub her temples for a moment, until a knock sounded on her office door. She stood up and put a neutral expression on her face before calling out, "Come in!" Then she watched as Ford, Teyla and Rodney entered the room. "Please...have a seat," she invited, gesturing to the chairs in front of her desk, only to remember that there were only two.

"I'll stand," Ford said, stepping aside so the others could sit.

Elizabeth nodded to him, showing her gratitude with a flicker of a smile. Once Rodney and Teyla were seated, she moved back behind her desk and sat as well. "I'm sure you're wondering why I've called you here," she began.

Teyla interjected. "We assume it is to discuss Major Sheppard."

"You assume correctly." Elizabeth was almost relieved. She could see the worry on all of their faces and she wished she could be honest with them, but given the circumstances, there was no way she could be. "Major Sheppard is going to be all right, but he will need time to heal. According to Dr. Beckett, his recovery will be slow. Which means he will be grounded until further notice."

"How long?" Rodney asked.

Elizabeth wished she could answer that one. "I can't say right now." She turned to look at Ford. "Lieutenant, for the time being you'll be in charge of the team. You can chose another marine to join you."

Rodney called attention back to himself. "I'd like to be removed from the team for the time being," he requested.

"Why?" Elizabeth was surprised by that.

"I have alot of projects I've been avoiding that need my attention. And, quite frankly, I could use the break. I'm sure Zalenka would love to go off world for a while."

Elizabeth considered a moment then nodded. Rodney did look worn out and she knew there were things he could be devoting his time to here on Atlantis. "Fine. Let Zalenka know he'll be joining Ford's team."

Rodney nodded then stood up. "Anything else? I really do have alot of work to catch up on."

"No..that's all." Elizabeth was more than happy to dismiss them. She watched them file out the door, all except Teyla, who lingered behind.

"May we visit with the major?" Teyla queried.

Elizabeth hesitated, then nodded. She knew that Sheppard and Teyla were friends. Perhaps he would open up to her on his own. "Of course you may," Elizabeth replied.

Teyla smiled and gave a little bow. "Then I shall do so." And with that she was gone.

Heaving a sigh, Elizabeth dropped her head into her hands and closed her eyes against the sudden sting of hot tears.

***

John heard the voice talking and he didn't want to be awake. Beckett was talking to Heightmeyer and John knew the phychologist was there to talk to him. But he had no intention of talking to her. Still, he figured he might as well get the awkward moment over with, so he opened his eyes.

Carson noticed that Sheppard was awake and he motioned to Kate. They moved to the major's bedside. "How are you feeling?" Carson asked.

"Been better," John allowed. His throat was dry and when he tried to shift against the pillows, he was reminded of his injuries.

"Have a sip of water." Carson held out a glass with a straw.

John took it, gratefully. A few sips and it was easier to talk. "Can I get out of here now?" he asked.

Carson shook his head. "Not yet, major. You didn't do yourself any favors getting out of bed like you did earlier. I'd like to keep an eye on you for a few more days."

"Do you feel up to talking for a bit, major?" Kate interjected, and a soft smile curved her lips as she awaited his answer.

"I have nothing to say to you," John shot back. He wondered why it was so hard for them to accept what he was telling them. He was fine. He just needed to get out of here so things could go back to normal. Or what passed for normal of late.

Carson grimaced. "Major...just give Kate a chance to help you."

John glared at the doctor. "Help me what?" Anger distracted John from the pain he was feeling so he leaned forward and pointed a finger at Beckett. "There's nothing wrong with me! How many times to I have to say it? I wasn't raped. I like rough sex. Deal with it!"

"Denial is a normal reaction, major," Kate countered, softly, pulling his attention back to her. "But we can work past it if you give me a chance."

"I have nothing to say to you," John gritted out. "Leave me the fuck alone!" With that he shifted onto his side, rudely offering his back to them both and it took a monumental effort on his part to keep his body still. John was terrified that they would push the issue. That they would pick at this like a scab on a wound and make it bleed. Make him bleed, because if they kept pushing and looking for someone to blame, they would eventually discover Rodney. And John could not let that happen. So he kept still, not letting his body shudder from the fear that was eating away at him.

Kate sighed softly. "I'll come back later, major," she said softly, but firmly.

John said nothing. He just lay there and listened to her receding footsteps.

"Dr. Weir wanted me to call her once you woke up," Carson stated, moving to the other side of the bed so that he was facing Sheppard. "Why don't you rest a bit first. I'll get you something to eat."

"Not hungry," John replied. He knew if he tried to eat now he'd just puke it up. His insides were twisted into knots. The only person he wanted to see right now was Rodney, but John knew he couldn't ask for him. To do so might give too much away. Weir and Beckett were looking for anything...anyone. But John wasn't going to give it to them.

Carson nodded. "All right then. Rest."

John moved onto his back, hissing at the pull to his ribs. "Get Weir. I want to get this over with." He watched Carson walk away, one hand tapping his ear. When he was out of sight John closed his eyes and tried to steel himself for what was to come.

***

Elizbeth had been delayed in getting to the infirmary after Beckett called her. Some small emergency cropped up and she dealt with it, then took a small break on the balcony, trying to clear her head and her thoughts, before finally making it here. Now she stood next to Sheppard's bed. He had fallen asleep again. Beckett had infromed Elizabeth about how the meeting with Kate had gone. As had Kate. And now Elizabeth had to inform the major of her decision. She knew he was not going to like it, but she knew she had to do this. That it was the right thing to do. Still, she didn't rush it. She simply stood there a moment, watching him sleep. He always looked younger than his years, but in slumber he looked about twenty years old. Elizabeth smiled a bit. He was a beautiful man with the soul of a child. But she knew from his file that he'd been to hell and back more than once and Elizabeth admired the fact that it hadn't turned Sheppard cynical towards life or the people in it.

But what had happened now, she feared that would change him. She thought maybe he knew that and that was why he was clinging so hard to his denial. Sighing softly, Elizabeth reached out to touch his shoulder, but the major stirred and opened his eyes before she could touch him. "How are you feeling, John?" Elizabeth asked. She watched him push up against the pillows, wincing a bit.

"I'm fine," he said, curtly. "Beckett said you wanted to talk to me. Guess I fell asleep."

"I was delayed," Elizabeth explained. "I've spoken to Dr. Heightmeyer."

John's eyes narrowed, then he nodded. "Then you know I won't talk to her."

Elizabeth nodded back. "Yes. Which I think is a mistake."

"I wasn't raped!" John almost spit out the words and his eyes were dark as he glared at her. "Why won't you believe me?"

"I have to go with my instincts, major," Elizabeth countered. "You of all people should understand that."

John almost rose off the bed in his fury. "So you're calling me a liar?"

Elizabeth resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. She knew he wouldn't see it as comfort. But she needed him to calm down. "Major...you've been through a traumatic experience and I want to help you. That's all any of us want."

"Then call of the investigation and leave me the fuck alone!" John settled back against the pillows, eyes still blazing and body still vibrating with tension, but he made the attempt to call himself. "I'm sorry that you don't like the truth,doctor. But it is what it is."

"Maybe." Elizabeth locked eyes with him then said, "Beckett tells me you'll be cleared for light duty by the end of the week and that he can probably clear you back to full duty in two weeks."

John looked surprised, but pleased, then he nodded. "Good."

Elizabeth refused to wince as she continued. "But I'm not clearing you until you talk to Dr. Heightmeyer and Dr. Beckett agrees with me."

"You can't do that!" Fury colored John's voice, which was pitched low. A tight whisper.

"I can..and I have." Elizabeth was firm in her resolve. She had to do this. The major couldn't see that he needed help, but she was going to help him anyway.

John's fingers fisted in the blankets. "You know what, I realize that my personal fetish probably sickens you," he gritted out. "But that does not give you the right to judge me. I do my job, Dr. Weir. What I do during my down time is my business and it changes nothing!"

Elizabeth ached at the pain Sheppard was in. She could almost feel it, it was so viable. But there was something more there. Fear. It was the fear she could see in him that made her so certain he was lying. John Sheppard was afraid. Elizabeth faced his fury without flinching. "My decision stands," she said firmly. "Talk to Dr. Heightmeyer, John. Or you stayed grounded." With that Elizabeth turned and walked away, feeling the heat of Sheppard's gaze on her back. But when she was out the door she leaned against the wall and let her head fall into her hands.

***

The moment Weir was gone, John made to get out of bed. He forgot about the IV tubing and was about to rip it out when a hand gripped his wrist. He looked up to see Dr. Beckett's stern face. John glared back. "I want out of here!"

"Not for a few days," Carson replied. He pressed his free hand to Sheppard's shoulder. "Now lie back, laddie. I'm going to give you something to help you rest. And if you don't stop moving around you're going to do more damage to yourself."

"I'll rest in my room," John pleaded. He was ready to beg if he had too. He wanted to see Rodney. They needed to talk. Maybe Rodney would know what to do or say to make this all go away.

But Carson shook his head. He had a syringe out and he fed the contents into the IV. "Rest, major. Just let yourself heal."

John wanted to argue the point but liquid heat was swirling in his veins, making his vision grey out. A heartbeat later he melted into darkness.

***

Rodney was in his lab when Beckett entered. He was surprised to see the doctor. Surprised and a bit concerned. "Is Sheppard all right?" Rodney had visited twice and both times John had been asleep. They needed to talk.

Carson sighed and sat down, heavily, on a nearby stool. "We need to talk, Rodney. It's about Major Sheppard."

"Is he...I mean..he's okay, right?" Rodney rambled. Carson hadnt' answered him yet.

"Physically he'll be all right," Carson replied. "But there's more going on." He gestured to the stool beside him. "Sit...this is important."

Rodney sat. "What is it?"

Carson hesitated. "What I'm going to tell you is personal and this is a complete breech of confidentiality...but I don't know what else to do. And since you're the major's friend and you seemed to understand one another, I'm hoping you can help him."

"What the hell is going on?" Rodney exploded. The way Carson kept putting off actually telling him anything was driving Rodney mad.

"Major Sheppard was raped." Carson just blurted it out then almost heaved a sigh of relief.

Rodney was stunned and he let it show. He knew it would be a natural..normal..reaction to what Beckett had just told him. But his mind was working furiously, even as he whispered, "Raped?"

Carson nodded. "Aye. And he's in complete denial. But when he was hurt in the explosion, I had to give him a complete examine. He has ligature marks, bruises everywhere and..." Here Carson broke off and became a bit flustered. "Well..let's just say that whoever did this to him was brutal."

"I see." Rodney got up and began to pace. He wondered what Sheppard had told Carson. The only way to find out was to ask. "Did he say who..who raped him?"

"That's just it." Carson was shaking his head. "The major is in complete denial, Rodney. He refuses to accept what's happened. He insists he enjoys rough sex and that it's just his kink."

A smile threatned to curve Rodney's lips and he had to tighten them against it. John was such a good boy. Rodney would reward him for this. He had managed to tell the truth without telling the truth. Not the complete truth. "What can I do to help?" Rodney offered, but in his own fashion. "I'm an astrophysicist, not a psychiatrist, Carson. Get Heightmyer to talk to him."

Carson grimaced. "We've tried that. Dr. Weir has even grounded the major until he does talk to her. But he's a stubborn one. He won't give in. Just...try talking to him, Rodney. You dont' have to tell him you know. I'm hoping he might say something to you just because he needs to talk to someone."

"I'm probably the last person Sheppard will spill his guts too," Rodney countered, being careful not to reveal too much. He could never reveal too much. He always had to be careful. And John was being careful too. No one would ever know about them. No one would ever understand.

"It's worth a try," Carson stated. "You have a strange friendship, I'll give you that. More like siblings than anything. But I think he trusts you, so give it a try. Won't you?"

Rodney nodded. "Sure..whatever. I'll go see him later." He made shooing motions with his hands. "Right now I have important things to do."

Carson almost smiled as he headed for the door. "Thank you, Rodney. You're a good man."

Rodney said nothing. But the moment Beckett was gone...he smiled.

~~~

When John woke up again he felt tired and restless. Beckett was still adamant that he remain in the infirmary and he watched over John like a mother hen when a tray of food was brought. John made the attempt to eat, hoping it would appease Beckett enough to let him out. No such luck. Turned out he had developed a slight fever and now he had an extra line hooked up to his IV which just put John in a foul mood on top of everything else. He needed to get out of here. He had to talk to Rodney.

Making the attempt to doze, John was startled when a hand touched his arm. His eyes flew open to see Teyla's smiling face. John was pleased to see her. She was a good friend. "Hey, Teyla. How are you doing?"

"I am well, major. Thank you." Teyla moved to sit on the stool by the bed. "Dr. Beckett has told me you have a fever."

"It's nothing. I'm fine."

Teyla studied him a moment then nodded. "I know you will heal. But you look..tired."

John resisted the urge to lie to her. He was getting to adept at lying and it was starting to make him feel uncomfortable with himself. "I am tired," he said softly. "And I hate being in here." John gestured to the infirmary at large.

"I know that this is not your favorite place to be, major," Teyla allowed. "But if you have a bit of patience, your body will respond accordingly and you will be out of here sooner."

"I know..but knowing doesn't make me any more patient." John sighed and looked down at his hands. His fingers were plucking at the blankets.

Teyla reached out and put a hand over both his. "You are troubled, major. Do you wish to talk about it?"

A part of John wanted to do that. He wanted to talk to someone who would not judge him and he knew that Teyla would be that person. But he knew, realistically, that she would not understand how things were, anymore than anyone else would. "I'm fine. I'm just bored."

"Is there anything I can get you? Your book perhaps?" Teyla offered.

"That would be great." John needed the distraction.

Teyla smiled, rising from the stool and setting it out of the way. "Then I will get it for you." She leaned in to press their foreheads together as was her custom.

John accepted the gesture, but then he was surprised when strong arms wrapped around him, hugging him. And he found himself pushing into the hug, wanting the contact for what it was meant to be. A simple gesture of comfort. He felt himself holding on to Teyla as tightly as cracked ribs and a sore shoulder would allow, and when she finally eased him back against the pillows, he felt shaky and drained. John closed his eyes and whispered, "Thank you." He knew that she would understand what he meant by it.

"You are welcome," Teyla replied, letting her fingertips brush over his forehead. "I will stay for a moment, until you fall asleep."

John knew she didn't need a response and he gave himself up to the darkness. And it comforted him to know that, for this one moment, he was not alone.

He didn't know that Rodney watched them from the shadows.

***

Elizabeth had called a meeting with herself, Dr. Beckett and Dr. Heightmyer. She was worried about Major Sheppard and she didn't bother to hide it. Learning that he had developed a fever made her all the more concerned.

"He'll be fine," Carson was quick to reassure her.

"Physically," Elizabeth stated, pointedly.

Carson nodded.

Elizabeth looked at Kate. "The major needs our help. Tell me what we can do."

"Not all that much without his participation," Kate replied, and she looked regretful.

"I did something I'm not proud of," Carson interjected. "But out here I think we have to let some things slide at times."

Elizabeth frowned at him, not certain what he meant. "What did you do?" she prompted.

Carson made a face then blurted out, "I told Rodney about what happened to Sheppard." He held up a hand to hold back any comments. "I know it's unethical, but we're under the gun here in more ways than one. The major considers Rodney a friend, that much we know for certain. They seem to understand each other and I'm hoping Rodney can get through to Sheppard. Get him talking at least."

"I think it's a good idea," Kate commented. "I was thinking about talking to Dr. McKay about it myself. Major Sheppard is military, and even though he's something of a rebel, *Don't ask, don't tell* isn't something easy to break away from. If he talks to one of us about what happened, then he's admitting breaking that very definitive rule. And that would be difficult to live with, even here in Atlantis. Even though we're making our own rules as we go."

"I wonder though..." Carson began, only to break off.

Elizabeth was curious. "What? You wonder what?"

Carson hesitated for a moment, as if deciding what to say. "I don't know the major all that well, and as much as I'm inclined to believe the evidence as presented to me...could he be telling the truth about liking rough sex? I mean...maybe it's a release for him in some way? He always has to be in control of himself and careful. Maybe he likes being controlled?"

"I have my doubts about that," Kate said firmly.

"So do I," Elizabeth interjected. "I don't think Sheppard would allow anyone that much control over him. Not freely. And there is nothing in his file to suggest otherwise. Instinct and my own observations are telling me this was rape and that he's just not willing to accept it."

Carson shifted in his chair. "Can't say as I blame him."

Elizabeth understood what he meant and felt the same way. One of her best friends in college had been raped, and by one of her professor's no less. And she hadn't told anyone. She had been too ashamed. Elizabeth had finally figured it out and had convinced her to get help. And now her instincts were telling her that John was feeling too ashamed to accept what had happened to him. But she would find a way to get through to him. She just needed to be patient. Pushing back her chair, Elizabeth rose to her feet. "All right...we'll give Rodney some time to talk to the major. Maybe he will be able to get through to him." With that she exited the room.

***

John felt fingers combing through his hair and it felt nice. Until the fingers tightened and pain prickled in his scalp. He opened his eyes and was stunned to see Rodney looming over him. John tried to tug his head free but Rodney tightened his grip. John licked his lips against the sudden dryness and whispered, "Hey, Rodney."

"You were being such a good boy, major," Rodney replied, letting his fingers slide from Sheppard's hair to trail over the stubbled cheek. Then he gripped his chin. "Why did you have to fuck that up?"

"What...what are you talking about?" John felt achy and disoriented and he could see that Rodney was furious with him. He just didn't understand why. He hadn't told anyone anything and he said as much. "No one knows anything."

Rodney's grip on Sheppard's face tightened. "Beckett knows. He came to see me. Told me you were raped."

John was stunned to hear that. Stunned and angry and he shoved at Rodney's hand, hating how weak he felt. But Rodney let go and John shifted carefully to sit up against the pillows. "I told him it wasn't rape."

"He doesn't believe you." Rodney curled his fingers in the blanket and tugged it down to Sheppard's knees. He sighed at the site of the scrubs. "I miss hospital gowns," he whispered. "Easier access." As he spoke, Rodney slid his hand inside sheppard's scrub pants.

"Don't!" John gripped Rodney's wrist. "We can't do this here."

Rodney smiled, a cold curving of his lips. "I can do anything I want to you, major. You know that. Now let go!" His tone was low but sharp.

John let go. "I'm sorry," he whispered, willing Rodney to believe him. He looked around and was relieved to see that Rodney had pulled the privacy curtain, but that didn't mean a nurse wouldn't pop in on them. And he really didn't want to do this right now. He was tired and his ribs and shoulder hurt and he just wanted Rodney to tell him how to fix things.

"It's okay, John," Rodney replied, and he was leaning in to kiss Sheppard. "I'm sorry too. But it's going to be okay. I'm going to take care of you, John. Just like always. I always give you what you need." As he spoke he started tugging at Sheppard's scrub pants.

"Rodney..don't!" John felt a flare of panic and he tried to push Rodney off him but he was too weak between his injuries and the fever and he felt Rodney pin him down and then he was being pushed onto his side and suddenly a finger was pressing inside him and John choked down a cry of pain. He shuddered as Rodney's mouth found his ear.

"MIssed you so much.." Rodney panted, his breath hot and heavy as he stroked his finger in and out of Sheppard. "I'm so fucking hard right now, John. Need you so much."

John tried to pull away, but Rodney's weight was settled over him and Rodney was on the bed and he could feel his erection pressing into his thighs as Rodney slid down. Then the finger slid out of him and John knew what was coming and he knew he couldn't let this happen. They couldn't risk being caught. "Rodney..please!" John begged, and he tried to shift around but his ribs and shoulder protested and black spots danced before his eyes as pain stabbed through him. But then a sharp voice cut through the shadowy haze. An all too familiar voice.

Carson stood in the folds of the privacy curtain, eyes wide as he shouted, "What the bloody hell is going on here?"

~~~

John felt, rather than saw, Rodney slide off the bed. He felt the coolness of air against his exposed flesh and he fought the wave of dizziness that threatened to draw him into darkness. He shifted in the bed, biting his lip against the pain in his ribs, trying to draw the scrub pants back up before Carson came too close. John would have covered himself with the blanket, but Rodney had tossed it to the foot of the bed.

Rodney ignored John as he turned to confront Beckett. "Nothing is going on here!" he snapped.

"Really?" Carson moved a step closer and his blue eyes were ablaze with anger. "Then what the hell were you doing in major Sheppard's bed?"

"I was trying to calm him down!" Rodney snarled. "If you were a better doctor YOU would have been in here taking care of him!" That said, Rodney stormed past Beckett, shoulder slamming into him and knocking the doctor off balanced as he walked away.

Carson debated going after him, but that thought fled as he watched Sheppard trying to ease out of bed. "Hold on there now, major," Carson chided as he moved the bed and gripped Sheppard's shoulders. He could feel the tension in the major's body, feel him trying to push past him. "You need to lie down before you fall down."

John heard what Beckett was saying but it didn't really register. All he knew was that Rodney was gone and he had to go after him. John had to apologize so that Rodney wouldn't get mad at him. And he had to make sure no one learned the truth. So he struggled to push Beckett away, fighting against the strong hands that eased him back against the pillows. "I have to find Rodney!" John exclaimed. "Please!"

"Rodney will be fine," Carson assured him, his tone soft but firm. "You have to rest now, major. You need to heal."

"Rodney was so angry....he doesn't understand." John reached out to Beckett, needing him to understand and he was surprised to see that his hand was shaking.

Carson could feel the way Sheppard was trembling. He cupped the major's face in both hands and waited for Sheppard to focus on him. "You rest and I promise to find Rodney and make sure he's okay."

John wanted to believe Beckett, but he couldn't trust him. He knew that no one would understand what had happened. "No..I have to see Rodney!" John pushed aside Beckett's hands and tried to get up again. He made it to his feet but his knees buckled and strong hands caught him. Darkness swirled over him and when it shaded to gray and he opened his eyes, it was to feel the sting of a needle in his arm.

"Just a little something to help you rest, major," Carson said, kindly. "Go to sleep. I'll take care of Rodney."

"I have to see him," John whispered, even as his eyelids drooped closed. He was so tired, so aching and tired.

Carson sighed. "Later," he replied, as he watched Sheppard drift off to sleep. And it was only then that he attempted to straighten the twisted scrub pants before covering his patient with a light blanket. Carson then called in a male nurse to sit with the major, informing him to keep everyone out. And he meant everyone. Then he headed off to see Dr. Weir.

***

Elizabeth was surprised by the knock on her door, rousing her from a restless slumber. And when she opened the door to see Carson on the other side, she found herself tensing with fear. The look on his face scared her to death. "Sheppard?" She knew that he was here because of the major.

Carson sighed. "We need to talk. It's very important."

"I guessed that, since you came to my quarters." Elizabeth stepped back. "Come in." Only as the doors slid shut behind Carson did she realize was was dressed in her sleep clothes. Sweat pants and a tee shirt, with her feet bare. Suddenly that didn't matter. But she felt a chill so she grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair. "What's wrong? Is John all right?"

"I don't think so," Carson replied, as he dropped down into the nearest chair. He looked at Weir then made a face, as if realizing she was thinking the worst. "He's going to be okay..physically. It's not that."

Elizabeth released the breath she had been holding. "Then what? What's going on?"

Carson didn't reply for a moment. Instead he rubbed at his eyes and seemed to be searching for the right thing to say. "I caught Rodney in bed with the major."

"What?" Elizabeth heard what Carson said, but it wasn't registering. "What do you mean?"

"I went to check on the major and Rodney was there, on the bed..tucked in behind Sheppard. He fumbled with his pants as he got up. He was tucking himself back inside." As he spoke, Carson was flushed red. "I was so shocked that I let him leave. My main concern was the major. And he wanted to go after Rodney. I had to sedate him."

Elizabeth was trying to follow what Carson was telling her. Trying to let the implication of his words sink it. But she realized a part of her didnt' want to understand. She didn't want to accept what he was telling her. She turned from him and paced a moment, then dropped onto the edge of her bed and buried her face in her hands. There was a long moment of silence in the room, a heavy silence, then Elizabeth looked up and asked, "Are you sure? I mean...maybe you misread what you saw."

Carson shook his head. "It's pretty hard to misread a man tucking his penis back in his pants and then there's the fact that I had to straighten out Sheppard's scrub pants." Carson pressed his palms to his red face. "God..this is so hard to say."

"It's pretty damn hard to hear!" Elizabeth sucked in a shaky breath. "You're telling me that the person who raped John is Rodney." She looked at Carson for confirmation. Because she wasn't about to accept this as fact until she had too.

"Yes...that's what I'm telling you," Carson said firmly.

Elizabeth got to her feet. "I'll send Bates to find Rodney and put him in a holding cell."

Carson jumped up at that. "Wait! Can't you just confine him to his room? At least until we get a chance to talk with Sheppard and get things sorted out? I mean...the major insisted that he likes rough sex and maybe he and Rodney are...you know?"

"Did it look as if the major was having a good time?" Elizabeth countered, and she could hear how cold and sharp her tone was and she felt as if her face was set in stone. But she had to ask and she had to know.

"No...he wasn't." Carson spoke in barely a whisper. "I will you this...the major is in denial, more so than we realized. This is going to be very hard on him. I mean...I never would have guessed it was Rodney. They acted so normal out in public."

Elizabeth nodded. "I know. Thank you for coming here. I want you to go back and take care of the major. I'll handle Rodney. And I'll do as you suggested. We'll keep him under house arrest for now. And no one is to know what's happened other than you, myself and Kate."

Carson nodded. "Agreed." He shot Weir an apologetic look then headed out the door.

Once she was alone, Elizabeth let herself slump back onto the bed. She buried her face in her hands and choked back a sob. How could this be happening? She wondered. And what the hell was she going to do.

~~~

Elizabeth stood by the door as she watched Rodney pace. He had been easy enough to find after he'd left the infirmary. He'd gone straight to his lab and Bates and two other marines had escorted him to his room. They had taken up stations at the door until Elizabeth had arrived. She rubbed her eyes then asked, "Why?"

Rodney didn't even pretend not to know what she was asking. "You know what? That's between the major and myself."

"You hurt him, Rodney. You raped him."

"Raped?" Rodney looked stunned. "Are you kidding me? He loved it. He loved having my cock shoved deep in his ass. He loves being my whore!"

It shook Elizabeth as she listened to Rodney. He spoke with absolute conviction and a sense of pride. "Dr. Heightmyer will be here to talk to you soon, Rodney. Let her help you."

Rodney glared at Elizabeth. "Help me what? There's nothing wrong with me. You're the one who's fucked up. You go ask Sheppard. He'll tell you how wrong you are about this!"

Elizabeth didn't bother to reply. There was nothing she could say. John had already done that and the truth was so sick and twisted that it was coiled and roiling in Elizabeth's guts. So she palmed the door and walked out, leaving instructions with Bates that no one was to see Rodney other than Kate. Then she headed for the infirmary.

She found Beckett at Sheppard's bedside, slipping something into his IV. "Is he okay?" She nodded to the major's still form. He looked so young and pale and somehow, heartbreakingly, innocent.

"He woke up and tried leaving," Carson replied, his tone a bit sharp. "I'm keeping him sedated for the next twenty-four hours. He needs to let his body heal and he's not ready to deal with any of this."

"Neither am I," Elizabeth whispered.

Carson looked at her then nodded. "How's Rodney doing?" No matter what the man had done, they were still friends.

Elizabeth rubbed her aching temples. "He's pissed. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. Basically he's repeating the same story the major told us. He insists that Sheppard likes rough sex so it wasn't rape."

"This is so messed up," Carson declared, rubbing his own temples.

"Yes it is." Elizabeth let herself reach out and smooth back an errant lock of Sheppard's hair. She smiled at how soft it felt. Then she sighed and pulled her hand back. "I've already spoken to kate. She's going to talk to Rodney. Let me know when John wakes up. I want to talk to him."

Carson nodded. "I'll do that."

Elizabeth nodded back at him. "Take good care of him," she whispered, then she turned and walked away, her footsteps as heavy as her heart. Because the two most important men in Atlantis, men she considered to be heroes and her friends, were broken.

***

John felt groggy. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, his tongue was pretty much glued to the roof of his mouth, and his limbs felt heavy and weighted. But he forced his eyes open and had to blink hard to bring the room into focus. No surprise that he was still in the infirmary. He turned his head to the left and saw Beckett dozing in the chair next to the bed. It should have been Rodney sitting there. John let his eyes slide closed again.

"Major?"

He recognized Beckett's voice and realized he must have drifted back to sleep again. So John opened his eyes and whispered, "Water." He accepted the glass and had to hold it with both hands. After a few sips he handed it back. "Can I see Rodney now?"

Carson winced. "Afraid not, major. Not at the moment. I need you to tell me how you feel?"

"A little sore and I need to pee." John decided to be honest.

"Do you want to try getting up?"

John's reply was to sit up, ignoring the pull of his ribs and the ache in his head and slide his legs off the bed. Before he could stand Beckett was there to support him. John allowed it because he was feeling a bit wobbly. As he took his first steps he realized the IV was gone, which was a good sign. They made it to the bathroom and John shook Carson off. "I'm good. I want to take a shower."

Carson hesitated but finally nodded. "All right, but I'm sticking around. I'll be right outside the door." That said he stepped out but left the door cracked open a bit.

John didn't care. He took care of business then stripped off the scrubs and got into the shower. He stayed for a long time and when he stepped out to dry off he realized Beckett had slipped fresh scrubs into the room. So John got dressed then walked out. He felt alot better. Still sore but he could deal with it. And he was more focused now. "I want to see Rodney."

"Right now you're going to get back into bed and see if you can eat something. I sent for a tray." Beckett reached for the major's arm only to have him sidestep away from him. "You need to focus on healing right now, major. We can talk about Rodney later."

"I want to talk about Rodney now," John countered. And by the look on Beckett's face, he knew something had happened. And something else hit him as well. "How long have I been out of it?"

Carson winced but told the truth, "Almost two days."

John was stunned. "What?" He made to step around Beckett. He needed to see Rodney. They had to talk. But strong fingers gripped his arm, holding John to the spot. He tried to pull free but succeeded only in making his ribs hurt.

"You're not going anywhere right now, major," Carson said softly but firmly. "Now you can get into bed yourself or I can call someone to help me put you there. Your choice."

"Fine." John took a step towards the bed and was relieved when the hand on his arm fell away. He moved carefully as he climbed back in and allowed Beckett to fuss with the blankets. "I need to see Rodney." It was almost begging. Almost.

Carson shook his head. "You eat first then Dr. Weir will be hear to talk to you."

John glared at Beckett. "You're keeping Rodney away from me, aren't you? You think he'll hurt me." It was a full out accusation and John felt anger flaring up inside him that they would do this. That they didn't trust him.

"Rodney has hurt you," Carson said gently. "You know he has."

"Why won't you believe me?" The anger slid away and John was left with this raw, twisted, ache inside him. And a simmering fear that Rodney was in trouble.

Carson looked sad. "Just rest now, major. You'll need your strength." With that he turned and walked away.

John watched him go and the fear inside him swelled until he felt like he was suffocating from within.

***

Almost six hours passed before Weir came to see him. By then John was angry again. "Where is Rodney?" he demanded, the moment Weir reached his bedside.

Elizabeth folded her arms over her chest then held Sheppard's glare. "He's confined to his room, under guard."

"Why?" John was shocked but tried not to let it show.

"He raped you." Elizabeth's tone was sharp.

John flinched as if she had struck him. He couldn't hold her gaze as he whispered, "You're wrong."

Grabbing a nearby stool, Elizabeth pulled it over to the bed and sat down. "I spoke with Rodney about what happened."

"And what did he say?" John challenged, because he knew Rodney would not confess to rape.

"Pretty much the same thing you've been saying," Elizabeth allowed. "That you like it rough. You like taking it hard up the ass. And that you're his whore."

John flinched as he listened to Elizabeth speak. Her voice was pitched low but the words were sharp and hit him like slaps in the face. It wasn't really anything he hadn't said himself, but to hear her saying it made it sound different. Made it sound dirty and ugly and John shook his head at her. "No...you don't understand." He closed his eyes against the sudden sting of tears. This was so fucked up.

Elizabeth leaned in, and reaching out she snagged Sheppard's hand. He tried to pull away but she held fast. "I do understand, John," she said softly. "I realize you care about Rodney. So do I."

"It's different!" John's eyes flew open and he glared at her. There was no way she could understand what he had with Rodney. Sure it had twisted itself into something he no longer recognized, but that wasn't Rodney's fault and John didn't know how to make Weir understand that.

"He told me what he did to you, John," Elizabeth continued, holding his glare. "How he would tie you up. How he would force you into submission."

John yanked his hand free, ignoring the stab of pain in his ribs from his action. "I wanted him to do that."

Elizabeth folded her arms across her chest and asked, "Why? Why did you want him to hurt you?"

John didn't answer. He knew she was trying to trick him somehow and he was so tired and so angry and so damn confused that he was afraid to reply. He would mess things up if he did. So he let a heavy silence fall between them.

Elizabeth broke it. "Rodney has agreed to talk to Heightmeyer. He figures he can convince her of the truth and she can convince me."

"Good." John spoke without conviction. He couldn't think of anything anyone could do to fix things.

"I want you to talk to her as well."

It was on the tip of his tongue to refuse, but John figured if Rodney was going to talk to Heightmeyer then maybe that was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. "Fine..I'll talk to her."

Elizabeth looked surprised, but pleased. "I'll send her here later this afternoon. Get some rest for now." That said, Elizabeth got up and put the stool back where she'd found it.

John said nothing. He just watched her go then he curled up on his side and closed his eyes. But a tear slid down his cheek and he wiped it away with the angry swipe of one hand.

~~~

Elizabeth stifled a yawn as she listened to Kate's report on her session with Rodney. She was so damn tired. But everytime she laid down and tried to sleep an image of Sheppard would pop into her head. The way he had looked in the infirmary. Eyes shadowed by pain, body curled up defensively. She had never seen him look so damn fragile, not even when he had, technically, died.

"Dr. McKay shows absolutely no remourse," Kate was saying. "He honestly doesn't believe he did anything wrong.

"So what do we do?" Elizabeth countered. And she hoped Kate had some ideas because she was fresh out. Never in a million years had she expected to have to deal with something like this. She didn't know what to do. How to fix it. How to fix John.

Kate looked thoughtful. "Before we make any decisions, I'd like to talk to Major Sheppard again. Then we can discuss the best course of action."

Elizabeth nodded. She was more than willing to put off having to make a decision. If only for a little while. "When are you going to talk to Sheppard?"

"Right after lunch." Kate rose from her chair. "I'd like to study my notes from Dr. McKay's session first." With that Kate headed for the door only to stop and announce, "Dr. McKay asked to be allowed to see Major Sheppard." Kate paused and winced, then ammended, "Actually...he demanded to see him."

"I don't think that's a very good idea," Elizabeth replied, and she was a little bit horrified by what it meant. By what Rodney thought he could do. Or would do. She didn't think John was ready to handle it. She sure as hell knew she wasn't.

Kate was nodding. "I agree. It's not a good idea. Not at the moment anyway." She offered a sad smile then walked out of the room.

Elizabeth watched her go, feeling to worn out to even think. Instead she pressed the heels of her hands hard against her eyes to ease the burn of unshed tears. She didn't have the time, or the luxury, to cry. John didn't need her tears or her sympathy. He needed her help. Elizabeth only wished she knew how.

***

John wanted out. He was still stuck in the infirmary but at least the IV was gone and Beckett had allowed that he might release to him room tonight, providing John rested, ate well and promised to behave himself. To that end John was willing to do whatever it took to get the hell out of here. Once he was out he would be able to see Rodney.

"Major Sheppard?"

He jumped even though he recognized the voice. Schooling his features into what he hoped was a neutral expression, John turned his head and looked at Heightmeyer. "Doctor..." he drawled.

Kate moved closer and smiled at him. "Can we talk?"

"I suppose you can talk," John allowed. "I don't have anything to say to you."

"I spoke with Rodney."

John swallowed a curse. Heightmeyer was playing him and he was going to let her. "How is he?"

Kate had the grace to look a bit discomforted. "As well as can be expected, all things considered. He's not happy being locked up."

"Would you be?" John snapped, and he couldn't help himself. He was angry and he wasn't going to pretend otherwise. So he dropped the neutral expression and simply glared at her.

"This isn't easy on any of us, major," Kate said gently. "We're all having a difficult time dealing with what happened."

John shook his head then stabbed a finger in her direction. "Don't even go there!" he hissed. "You and Weir..you're the ones making this difficult. Nothing happened! Period! And if you'd believe me none of *this* would be happening."

Kate held Sheppard's glare for a moment then said, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

"How the hell else am I supposed to feel?" John let his fingers clench in the blankets to resist the urge to grab the book that was lying on the bed stand and hurl it across the room. And that was just the start of the damage he felt like doing. He was so tied up in knots, and he felt so agitated that right about now he wanted to punch the wall. "You tell me that I'm in denial..but it's you. You think I'm lying about what happened, but I'm not. You're trying to turn me into a victim...I'm not!"

"Then why did you let Rodney hurt you?" Kate countered softly.

And that took all the wind out of John's sails. He felt himself flinch, then he had to close his eyes and turn away. It took a moment of careful breathing before he could reply, "He didn't hurt me."

Kate sighed. "Major..."

"I want to see him."

"Why?"

John opened his eyes and looked at her, wanting her to look at him and see the truth. To recognize it for what it was. "I want to make sure he's all right. He didn't hurt me...he didn't."

Kate was the one who closed her eyes this time.

"Please." John surprised himself. He hadn't meant to beg, but if it would get him what he wanted..so be it.

"He did hurt you, major," Kate responded, her eyes wide open now and locked on Sheppard's face. "And you know he did."

John was so damn tired of everything coming back to this. "I wanted him to be rough. It was sex! Rough sex! Consensual sex! Get that through your head, doctor!" John realized he was almost shouting at her and he fell silent, feeling the throb of pain in his temples and the stabbing pull in his sore ribs.

Kate's eyes remained locked on Sheppard's face. "So...you're telling me you like pain? You like being hurt?"

"You're trying to get me to say things I don't mean!" John shot back. "You're twisting my words."

"I'm simply asking a question, major. Do you like pain?"

John sighed. "No..I don't like pain. It's not about that." He wanted her to understand. "It's just..it's S & M. Role playing. Rodney likes doing that...so I did it to make him happy." John lifted his eyes to glare at Heightmeyer. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Kate studied him a moment then asked, "Do you love Rodney?"

"Yes." It was such an easy question to answer that it was almost a relief. But John should have realized that this couldn't be easy in any way.

"Were you afraid that Rodney would leave you if you didn't let him hurt you?"

John felt like he had been sucker punched. He had to inhale deep and exhale slowly before he could breathe properly again. "No..it's not like that." He shook his head at her. "I'm done with this. You've already made up your minds. All of you! You've labeled Rodney a rapist and that's that. So this conversation is pointless. Get out!" That said, John shifted onto his side, presenting Heightmeyer with his back. He had to concentrate hard to keep from shaking. He was so damn tired and so angry. He just wanted this to be over with.

There was a moment of heavy silence then Kate said, "We're just trying to help you, major. You and Rodney."

John didn't believe her. Nor did he reply. When he heard her footsteps walking away, he felt relief wash over him. But the relief soon bled away into fear. John could not remember ever being so afraid.

***

Beckett finally released him to his room and the first thing John did was shower and change into his jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. He was about to head out to go see Rodney, when a knock sounded. John knew who it would be even as he called out, "Come in!"

The doors slid open and Elizabeth entered. She looked nervous. "Hello, John. How are you feeling?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" he snapped, as he stalked over to confront her. He felt his ribs pull and he cradled them with one arm.

"I don't want to upset you," Elizabeth stated, as she held her ground. "I just want..I want to talk to you."

John knew what she really wanted. She wanted to negotiate him over to her way of thinking. He wasn't going to let that happen. "You can't keep Rodney locked up. He didn't rape me. We had consensual sex and you can't prove otherwise. This whole thing..it's bullshit! You have no right to do this to either of us!" He could feel the vein in his temple throbbing and pain drummed in a steady beat inside his skull. John didn't want to do this with her. He didn't want to deal with any of it. All he wanted was for things to go back to the way they had been. To the way they were supposed to be.

Elizabeth reached out to Sheppard, but drew back when he glared at her. She folded her arms over her chest and said softly, "I realize that I can't change your mind, major."

"And you won't change yours," John interjected. "So it's stalemate."

"Maybe not." Elizabeth allowed a tight smile to curve her lips. A show of warmth. "I've spoken with Dr. Heightymeyer and with Beckett and we've come to a decision."

John couldn't imagine what it was, but he was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it. Still, he found himself asking, "Which is?"

Elizabeth locked eyes with him. "That you and Rodney agree to group therapy." She held up a hand to forestall a comment and continued. "Daily sessions for the next three weeks, after which time Dr. Heightmeyer and I will determine whether or not your relationship with Rodney is exactly what you claim it to be."

"And if it is?" John prompted, allowing himself to feel a fragment of hope.

"Then I'll release Rodney from confinement and this will finally be over."

John exhaled the breath he only now realized he had been holding. He didn't even have to think about his reply. "Fine with me." He wanted this over and done with.

Elizabeth nodded. "I do have a request, which Rodney has already agreed to."

"Go on."

"I want to sit in on the sessions so that I'll have a better understanding of what's going on." Elizabeth narrowed her gaze and confessed,"Kate is against it, but will agree to it if both you and Rodney allow it."

John shrugged. "Fine by me." He figured if Rodney was okay with it, there was no reason why he shouldn't be. Besides which, maybe this way Elizabeth would finally see the truth. "When do we start?"

Elizabeth looked startled. "Tomorrow morning?"

"Good." John made to move past her, heading for the doors.

"Where are you going?" Elizabeth queried, as she moved to block him.

John could tell by the look in her eye she had already guessed where. "To see Rodney."

Elizabeth shook her head. "Not until tomorrow and not without supervision for the next three weeks." With that she was the one to walk away.

As he watched her go, John realized he was shaking.

~~~

John realized he was nervous. He hadn't slept good thinking about seeing Rodney again. The way they were meeting and the why of it kept John agitated and angry. So when Elizabeth had come to get him, to escort him to Heightmeyer's office, he was riled up and shaking. But he tried to hide what he was feeling as he walked beside her.

"You didn't eat," Elizabeth said.

"I'll eat later." John knew that if he tried to eat anything it wouldn't stay down right now. His stomach was coiled into knots of tension.

Elizabeth nodded. "Just make sure you do or you'll end up back in the infirmary."

John allowed himself a tiny glare in her direction. "You know what, Dr. Weir, I've been taking care of myself for a long time. I manage just fine. Thank you."

"John...I'm just trying to help you," Elizabeth countered.

"Help me what? Go crazy?" John stopped walking to confront her. "Because what's happening today...you created this scenario, doctor. Not me. Everything was fine until you intervened."

Elizabeth looked shaken for a moment, then she shook it off and said gently, "I'm sorry you feel that way. And if it turns out that I am wrong about this..about you and Rodney...I will be the first to admit it and apologize."

John didn't want an apology. He wanted all of this to go away. "Too little too late, doctor," he drawled. "The damage is already done." He said nothing more after that and they continued on in silence. Once they reached Heightmeyer's office, John froze. His knees actually locked up on him and he realized he was shaking.

"Are you all right?" Elizabeth looked concerned.

"I'm fine." John gritted out the lie. But he would be fine, the moment he saw Rodney. So he overrode the *lock-kneed* syndrome and stepped forward, hitting the wall panel so that the doors slid open. And it was in that moment that John caught sight of Rodney, and he froze again.

Rodney was standing by the window, but he turned in the same moment that Sheppard entered the room. "John!" he said, brightly, and then he was moving forward.

John broke his stillness to meet him. Then Rodney was hugging him and John was hugging back and he hoped that Weir was paying attention, that she would finally understand. Then John focused solely on Rodney, feeling the strong arms holding him tightly. Feeling Rodney's mouth find it's way to John's ear but he froze again at what Rodney whispered to him.

"I can't wait till this is over, major," Rodney breathed in Sheppard's ear. "Then I can fuck you hard again. It's been so long, major. Too long."

"I..I've missed you, Rodney," John replied, and he tried to ignore the hardness that was pressing into his hip. Rodney was hard for him, here.

Elizabeth had been watching them, now she moved forward. "I think that's enough!" She spoke sharply.

Rodney pulled back and smiled at her, but his eyes were cold. "Of course." He looked Sheppard over then moved to one of the three chairs grouped together to the side of the room.

"Major."

John turned at the sound of Heightmeyer's voice. He blinked at her, uncertain of what she wanted. Suddenly he realized he didn't want to be here, but he had no choice. He had to do this to get Rodney free again.

Kate watched Sheppard closely then smiled. "Would you like to sit down?"

"Sure." John sat in the chair across from Rodney, then turned his head to look at Weir. She remained in the background. Just watching. He shook off the twitchy feeling that gave him and turned back to Rodney and Dr. Heightymeyer. She had joined them as well.

"Let's get started, shall we," Kate began. "Major...how do you feel about seeing Dr. McKay again."

John looked at Rodney as he spoke. "I'm glad to see him." He meant it. "But I'm not happy about the circumstances."

Kate nodded. "I'm sure you're not." She looked at Rodney. "Dr. McKay...how do you feel about seeing Major Sheppard?"

"Happy," Rodney replied. "I've missed him. It's not right that you're keeping us apart."

"But you understand why we believe it's neccessary," Kate interjected, making it both a statement and a question.

Rodney shook his head. "No...I don't understand. We've both told you what happened between us. That you won't believe us boggles the mind."

Kate studied McKay a moment, then turned to Sheppard. "Major...tell me how you and Dr. McKay came together."

John hesitated, looking at Rodney for approval.

"It's okay, John," Rodney said softly. "Just tell her the truth."

"Okay." John cleared his throat and gave the condensed version. "It wasn't a specific moment really. We became friends and realized we were attracted to each other and it just happened. It was good for both of us. Until now." As he spoke, John stared at his hands. His fingers were laced together in his lap. Laced so tightly together that his knuckles were white.

Kate scribbled some notes then asked, "Was the sex always rough?"

John's head shot up."I really don't think that's any of your business!"

"It's okay, John." Rodney's voice was soft and soothing. "We have nothing to hide." He looked at Kate and smiled. "It wasn't rough at first. I didn't introduce it into our lovemaking until we had been together for a while. John had never done anything like that before and I didn't want to spook him."

"Did you want to do it, major?" Kate asked him.

John knew what she was really asking. "Rodney didn't force me. Everything we did has been consensual. Why won't you accept that?" He was getting angry again. Angry and scared and he looked to Rodney for reassurance.

Rodney held Sheppard's gaze and nodded before licking his lips and turning to face Kate again. "Look...S & M isn't everyone's cup of tea. The thing is, unless you've tried it you can't understand what it's like. Pain and pleasure walk a fine line. You just have to know what you're doing."

"Do you allow Major Sheppard to hurt you, Dr. McKay? Or are you always the one in control?"

"I prefer being in control," Rodney confirmed, keeping his tone light.

John did not like where this was going. He wanted this to end. Now. So he jumped up and glared at Heightmeyer. "Look...This is a waste of time. I love Rodney..that's the bottomline. What we do in the bedroom is no one's business but our own!" As John spoke he found himself looking at Rodney for approval and he felt relieved to see that his lover was smiling at him. So John continued. "You can't judge people based on their sexual kinks. You may not like what we do, but you can't call it rape. IT's not! You can't lock Rodney up like this. You can't keep us apart!" John was yelling now and it was making his head pound and his ribs ache and suddenly everything listed and he felt his knees buckle.

Rodney was across the space in a heartbeat, grabbing John and settling him into the chair. "It's okay...take it easy, John," he whispered, as he smoothed his fingertips over Sheppard's face. Then one hand lifted to the back of John's neck and he pulled him in for a kiss. Soft at first, then deeper, pressing his tongue into Sheppard's mouth.

John felt the dizziness ease, but only for a moment. Then he found it hard to breathe. Rodney's fingers were pressing into his neck, holding him still, while his tongue was swiping away all the air John was trying to suck into his lungs. He whimpered and the sound surprised him, then his hands were gripping Rodney's shoulders, meaning to push him away, but John realized Rodney needed this. He could feel Rodney's hunger for him and this was something he could give him. Something Rodney deserved after what Weir had put him through. Was still putting him through. Rodney didn't deserve to be locked up. So John kissed him back until Rodney was pulling away. It took a moment to realize why.

Elizabeth was snapping at McKay. "That's enough!" she ordered.

Rodney shrugged and rose to his feet, stepping away from Sheppard. "He's my lover. You can't change that, Elizabeth."

She chose not to respond to that, instead she knelt down next to Sheppard. "Major...John...are you okay?"

"Fine." John pressed his fingertips to his lips. He looked up, ignoring Weir's concerned face, searching for Rodney. He saw lust glowing in Rodney's eyes. Glanced down and saw the bulge in Rodney's pants. John stood up, locking his knees, feeling the room closing in on him. "I..I'm tired."

"You can go," Elizabeth told him.

John didn't wait. He glanced at Rodney one last time, then he bolted from the room. John ran down the hallway until he reached the nearest transporter. Moments later he was in his room, running for the bathroom. He puked until he was wracked with dry heaves, then he curled up in the corner, waiting for the convulsive shuddering of his body to ease. Only then did he stand up and strip off his clothes. He got into the shower and let the hot spray rain down on him for a long time. Everything was so fucked up. He felt so damned confused.

After a time, John got out and dressed in sweats. Then he left his room and headed for the east end of Atlantis. For the next hour he ran through the empty corridors, but he couldn't run from the shadows that chased him.

***

After Sheppard left the session, Elizabeth had Rodney escort Rodney back to his room. Then she and Kate talked. Elizabeth wasn't happy with the outcome. They had both noticed the way Sheppard had looked to McKay for reassurance. To Elizabeth that meant that Sheppard was afraid of saying the wrong thing. It proved to her that Rodney was, indeed, in control of Sheppard. Which scared her. John Sheppard had always come across as a strong man. A man who was not afraid to make decisions and stand behind them, right or wrong. But now he seemed uncertain and confused and in pain. Elizabeth wanted to help him. But to do that she knew she had to make him see the truth.

Sometimes she really wished she had never come to Atlantis.

~~~

John was supposed to be resting in his room. After his exhausting run, which had ended only because his legs had given out, he had managed to pretty much *crawl* his way back to his room and into the shower. Then he had slept, out of sheer exhaustion, only to be awakened by a nightmare of Rodney fucking him hard while he was tied to the bed. Only the man looming over John wasn't Rodney. Not the Rodney he loved. The man violating his body was a stranger. The imagery of it had been so vivid that John could almost feel the thick cock pumping inside him and that had sent him off the bed and into the bathroom to puke his guts out.

A hot shower and a double dose of tylenol later, John had managed to remind himself that Rodney was sick and needed help. And once he got that through everyone's head, he and Rodney would be back together. The way it was supposed to be.

But that moment seemed so far away so John was haunting the corridors of Atlantis and he ended up in the Jumper bay. He sat in the pilot's seat of Jumper one and it was there that Teyla found him.

"Dr. Weir is worried about you," Teyla said softly, as she joined him.

"I'm good." Automatic lie and John winced at it.

Teyla touched his arm. "We are all worried."

John knew she meant it. "Thank you...but I'll be okay. I'm just...I'm tired." And that was an absolute truth.

"You are troubled."

"I'll get over it." John sighed and let his fingertips hover over the controls. He wanted so badly to just take off. To fly away in this moment and never look back. But he wasn't one to run away. Never had...never would."

Teyla studied him, her eyes dark with compassion. "I wish I could ease your pain, major."

John turned to look at her and managed a crooked smile. "Yeah...I wish you could too. Thank you."

"Do you wish to be alone?"

"No." That was out before John realized it. But he was tired of feeling so alone and he knew he could trust Teyla. "Things are really messed up," he confessed.

Teyla nodded. "You and Dr. McKay."

John studied her and realized she knew about them. That she had guessed they were more than friends. It was something he had always suspected about her, because Teyla always looked beneath the surface of things and somehow managed to see what others couldn't see, or wouldn't look for. "Rodney...he doesn't belong locked up."

"Dr. Weir thinks that he hurt you." Teyla spoke with quiet certainty.

"She's wrong." John's tone was sharp with anger. Not at Teyla but at the situation in general.

Teyla touched his arm, not reacting when he flinched away. "Perhaps she sees that which you are not willing to accept."

John shook his head. "Rodney would never hurt me." Why couldn't he make anyone understand that? "You know him, Teyla."

"Not well," she replied. "And he has changed in the past few months."

"I have to go." John stood up, abruptly, heading for the exit. He knew that Teyla spoke the truth about Rodney having changed, but it shook John that she had noticed when no one else had. He wondered what else she saw. What other truths she could reveal. He didn't want to face them now. So he headed for the rec room. There was a punching bag there with his name on it.

***

The next session with Rodney went smoothly. At first. Heightmeyer asked more personal questions about their relationship, directing most of them at Rodney. Which was fine with John. He didn't want to tell them anything. He noticed that Rodney didn't really give away much either. But Rodney was different today, John realized. He was hyped up. Unable to keep still. He kept pacing and wringing his hands and it set off warning bells in John's head.

Kate seemed oblivious to Rodney's behavior as she asked him, "Do you feel that you're possessive toward's Major Sheppard?"

Rodney laughed and it was a bitter sound that echoed in the room. "Of course I'm possessive. I have to be. I'm not the only one attracted to him in Atlantis. And then there's that flirting thing he does. Pisses me off." Rodney was grumbling now, almost as if he were talking more to himself than to Heightmeyer.

John was surprised by Rodney's words. He didn't flirt. He was just friendly. He even thought about pointing out the difference when Rodney was suddenly in front of him. John could see that he was angry and he found himself pressing further back into the chair.

"Little whore!" Rodney snarled at him. "Who are you sleeping with now?" he demanded.

"No one," John whispered, and it was a reflex action. Rodney had accused him of sleeping around in the past. John always assured him he wasn't, but Rodney still punished him. John saw that same anger in Rodney's eyes now and he looked away, only to feel rough hands cupping his face, holding him, then a tongue was shoved into his mouth. John almost gagged.

Elizabeth was on her feet. "Rodney...back off!" she ordered.

But Rodney wasn't listening. Instead he was fumbling with Sheppard's zipper, fingers clumsy in their haste.

"No!" John hissed, as he tried to push Rodney away. Then he was hauled out of the chair only to be shoved down onto the couch and suddenly Rodney was on top of him, humping against him, and John's ribs protested the heavy weight pressing him down.

"Fucking whore!" Rodney screamed at him.

Kate watched in disbelief, but Elizabeth had already reacted. She called in security then she tried to haul Rodney off of Sheppard, only to stumble back when Rodney backhanded her across the face. She pressed a hand to her cheek and made to try again when the door opened and Bates and another marine were there.

Elizabeth pointed at Rodney. "Get him back to his room! Now!"

"NO!" Rodney howled, as he was forcibly hauled off of Sheppard. And all the way out the door he snarled obscenities at the major, calling him dirty names. Then the doors slid closed behind him and there was blessed silence.

John was still lying on the couch. He realized he was shaking and he felt sick and his pants were still open from when Rodney had groped him and suddenly Weir was kneeling next to him and he didn't want her to touch him. "Don't.." John begged, as she reached out to him.

Kate was there, easing Elizabeth to her feet and drawing her across the room.

That set John in motion. He pushed himself up then managed to stand up without falling over. Not an easy feat since his legs felt like jelly and he felt sick and dizzy. But John managed to zip his pants back up and he turned towards the door.

But Kate blocked his way. "Why don't you stay...we can talk about what happened."

"Nothing happened," John said quietly. They didn't understand that this was normal for him. That it had been normal for months now. John made to step around Kate.

"Major!" Elizabeth was blocking his way this time.

John shook his head at her. "You don't understand," he began.

She looked at him with sadness in her eyes. "Then explain it too me."

"It's not his fault," John whispered.

"Then who's is it?" Elizabeth demanded, and now she was angry. "What he did was wrong. You don't deserve to be treated that way, John."

She didn't understand and she wouldn't even try. So John didn't even attempt to explain it to her. He just sidestepped and almost made it to the door when she gripped his arm. John tried to tug free but she held fast. "Don't.." he was begging and he didn't care.

Elizabeth refused to release him. "John...don't you understand what almost happened here? What Rodney tried to do to you?" When Sheppard didn't respond she nearly shook him. "If I hadn't called Bates in here, Rodney would have tried to rape you again. Just like he tried to do when you were in the infirmary."

"It wasn't rape!" John almost screamed the words at her. He yanked hard and freed his arm, then he had to press his hand to his mouth to hold back a wave of nausea.

"I'm calling Beckett." Elizabeth was ready to tap her ear piece.

John grabbed her arm this time. "No..I'm okay. I just...I don't need this from you. Why don't you get that? Everything that you're doing here..it's not helping!"

Elizabeth looked gut punched. "What would help, John?" she asked him.

"Leave me alone," he replied, without hesitation. "Let Rodney go free and leave us the fuck alone!" With that parting shot, John strode out the door. He stepped into the nearest transporter with one thought in mind. He had to talk to Rodney. They had to figure out what to do to fix this. To fix everything.

But when the door to the transporter closed, John felt his knees buckle. He sagged to the floor and buried his face in his hands. Everything was so fucked up. He still loved Rodney, but John knew it wasn't enough anymore. Everything was a mess. He was a mess. Nothing made sense anymore and a part of John wondered if this was payback for all the fuck ups in his past. All the mistakes he had made. Maybe every wrong choice, every bad decision, everything was coming back to bite him in the ass.

He was still shaking as he pushed himself back up to his feet, but determination glinted in his eyes. Somehow..someway..John was going to make everything all right again.

~~~

John headed straight for Rodney's room. Two guards were posted outside. They looked uncomfortable as he approached. John wondered how much they knew. He didn't care. He watched them step together, blocking the door. Glaring at them, John ordered, "Move aside!"

The bigger one, Sgt. Levy, shook his head. "Sorry, sir. Dr. Weir's orders."

"Guess what, Sargent," John's tone was sharp and cold. "I may be grounded at the moment, but I'm still your commanding officer. And as such I am ordering you to step aside! Now!" To John's relief, both men did just that.

"It's been lock coded, sir," Sgt. Levy stated. "You can't get in unless we open it."

John didn't even look at him. He just closed his eyes and *Thought* the door unlocked. A moment later it slid open, which shook John a little. He had used his gene one other time to unlock a door, but hadn't really expected it to work this time. He shot a final glare at the guards, both of whom looked stunned, then he entered the room and locked it himself.

Rodney was lying on his bed, he looked like he was sleeping.

Silently, John approached. He just stared at Rodney for a moment, remembering all the times he had watched him sleep. In the beginning. Things had been so different then. John wondered how they could have gotten so fucked up. Huffing a sigh he said softly, "Rodney?"

Blue eyes snapped open and a feral smile spread across Rodney's face. "Major. What are you doing here? How did you get in?"

"We have to talk." John took a step back as Rodney sat up then slid off the bed.

"We can talk later," Rodney countered. "Fuck now." He reached for John, gripping one arm and hauling him in for a kiss.

John stiffened then he tried to pull away, but he relaxed when he felt how softly Rodney brushed his lips in a kiss. There was a tenderness there that John had almost forgotten existed. So he let himself relax and he was starting to kiss back when he found himself pushed down onto the bed.

Rodney was already yanking open his pants. "I've missed you, major. Missed being buried in your tight ass!"

"No!" John pushed up to his feet and held out one hand. "Rodney...we can't do this now. You can't do this if you want to be free again."

"I can do anything I want to you, major!" Rodney snarled. "And don't you forget it! You are my little whore! Mine!" Rodney was pacing now, cock half out of his pants. "What the fuck is wrong with you, major? You know what you're supposed to do. You know how it's supposed to be. Or maybe you're fucking around on me again. Is that it? Maybe you need to be taught a lesson."

John was so stunned that he was slow to react and suddenly Rodney's hand was cracking across his cheek. He stumbled back with one hand pressed to his face. "Rodney..don't do this." John needed him to focus so they could figure this out. So they could prove it was all a mistake.

Rodney was livid as he stalked Sheppard. "Maybe I need to let someone else fuck you a few times! Maybe then you'll realize how good I am to you!" Rodney gripped Sheppard by the wrist, fingers pressing hard enough to bruise. "Sgt. Levy would love a go at you, I bet. Did you know he was gay?" Rodney laughed, but it was a cold, brittle, sound. "Yeah...I'll invite him in and let him fuck you but good. You're a good whore, major. Such a good little whore!"

"SHUT UP!" John almost screamed the words. He didn't want to hear this. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He yanked his arm, breaking Rodney's grip and ran for the door. It slid open as he reached it and John kept running. But he couldn't outrun the echo of Rodney's voice in his head.

***

Elizabeth almost ran to Sheppard's room. Sgt. Levy had informed her that the major was with McKay and she had started that way only to be sidelined by an emergency in the Gate room. Then she learned that Sheppard had left, on the run, and she sent Kate to find him. No luck. Sheppard had disappeared. But then Bates had spotted him on a balcony in the South end and had convinced him to go to his room. Bates had said that Sheppard seemed very calm and collected. That fact worried her more than if he had been upset and out of it. So she knocked on the door and called out, "Major!"

The door slid open and Elizabeth stepped inside. The lighting was low but even as she was about to ask him to turn up the lights, they came up. Elizabeth saw that Sheppard was sitting on the floor, legs drawn up, his arms wrapped around his knees. She moved to his side and asked, "You okay?"

"How could I let this happen?" John was rocking as he spoke.

"Blame Rodney, major. Not yourself." Elizabeth moved to sit down beside him. "This isn't your fault in any way."

John almost laughed at that. "I let him use me. I enabled him..."

Elizabeth could hear the pain Sheppard was in. When he looked at her she saw confusion and anger in his eyes. "John..you're the victim here."

"Sonofabitch!" John was on his feet and pacing. "This isn't me! I can't do this! I don't know how to do this..how to be --" He couldn't say it.

"But you are, John," Elizabeth said softly. "You are a victim and you have to accept it. Then you can deal with it and get past this."

He glared at her. "God..you make it sound like it's so simple. So easy!"

Elizabeth rose to her feet and shook her head. "There's nothing easy about it. For anyone. More so for you though, I think. You're always the strong one,John. Always the protector. Always in control. I know this is hard on you."

"It's not...It was so different." John broke off and moved back to the wall. He slid down to the floor and buried his face in his hands.

"John.." Elizabeth knelt beside him.

He lifted his head to look at her. "I was so stupid. I loved him. I let myself believe that it mattered. That I could fix him."

Elizabeth sighed. "John..Rodney's not broken. You are."

"No.." There was so much more he wanted to say. To convince her, but his voice broke he closed his eyes against the sting of tears. And when Elizabeth slid her arms around him, John sank into her embrace. He was so damn tired.

"It's going to be okay," Elizabeth whispered as she pressed her cheek against Sheppard's hair. She could feel his body trembling. Feel the way he clung to her. And it scared her to see him like this. So broken and defeated. Elizabeth vowed to find away to fix him.

***

Elizabeth was in her office when John came striding in. In the aftermath of what had happened in his room, she had called for Beckett and the doctor had sedated John. That had been about 8 hours ago. Elizabeth had explained to Carson and Kate what had happened and they had all agreed to wait until Sheppard was up and about again to discuss with him what they would do about Rodney. Elizabeth hadn't expected John to be up yet. "Are you allright?" she asked, as she rose from her chair.

He nodded and there was grim determination glinting in his eyes. "I'm fine. I wanted to talk to you about Rodney."

"Yes..I planned on discussing this with you. But it can wait." Elizabeth could see that Sheppard was still pale and shaky. She wanted him to take some time. She wanted him to talk to Kate about what had happened. He needed to deal with this first.

"It can't wait." John's voice was cold and sharp. "I want to continue the group sessions with Heightmeyer."

That surprised Elizabeth. "You do?"

John nodded. "I need to understand why this happened. Why Rodney did this. Why he changed. I'm angry at him but I know he loves...he loved me. He did. So something had to have happened. Something I did maybe..I don't know." John broke off, feeling uncertain now.

"Are you sure about this?" Elizabeth wasn't so certain it was a good idea.

"I have to know why this happened," John said firmly. "How much of it was my fault. And if the blame is on Rodney...why the hell did I let him do it? Because the fact that I let him victimize me is fucked up. I'm fucked up."

Elizabeth understood and she nodded. "I'll set up the session."

John was relieved. "Soon as possible. Please."

"Okay." Elizabeth watched him walk out of the room, then she lifted a shaky hand to her face and realized her eyes were wet with tears. This was going to be hard on everyone.

***

John felt all eyes upon him. Elizabeth had arranged for the session, as he had requested, but now that they were all here, John felt like leaving. He wished he could have been alone with Rodney to do this, but at the same time he knew that would be a mistake. So he tried to focus on why they were there. Ignoring Elizabeth and Heightmeyer, John strode over to where Rodney was sitting. "Why?" he asked. Such a simple question.

"Why what?" Rodney looked confused.

"Why did everything change, Rodney?" John dropped down into the chair that faced McKay. "Did you...did you ever love me or was it just about sex?" And wasn't that a hard thing to say in front of witnesses.

Rodney looked stunned. "You know I love you, John. Of course I love you."

John found himself believing that, but he realized he couldn't let himself get caught up in his emotions. Not now. "Then why did you change? Was it something I did? I mean...didn't you believe me?"

"Believe you about what?" Rodney countered.

"That I love you." John couldn't use the past tense even now. Because he did still love Rodney. Even though he was angry about everything, the love was still there. It would always be there. Even though John knew it was over between them. It had to be over or he would never get back to normal. He would never be able to function again.

Rodney's eyes narrowed. "I know that."

John sighed. "Then why change, Rodney? Why make it about control instead of love? You turned sex into pain."

"You let me!" Rodney's tone was biting now and he rubbed at his forehead. "Don't blame this all on me. You let me fuck you like that! You wanted it!"

Those words hit John like a slap in the face. Truth was a cold, hard, blow. Standing up, John turned away. He wasn't sure he was ready to hear this particular truth. But Rodney was right. He had let him do all those things. John could'nt even begin to understand why. He was so fucked up. He started pacing, as he tried to make sense of everything.

Rodney got up and moved to him. He was sweating. "I never really meant to hurt you. But you were so beautiful like that. Such a good little whore for me and it made me feel so good. So powerful."

"So it was never really about loving me..right?" John had to know the truth.

"It was love! Goddammit!" Rodney started to scream at him then he clutched his head and whimpered, "Hurts..hurts."

John watched as Rodney went pale. Then he reached out and caught him just as Rodney started to collapse. Then he was convulsing. "Get Beckett!" John shouted as he tried to hold Rodney still. "Don't you die on me.." John whispered. "Please don't die." He was still begging Rodney to hold on when Beckett and his team came and took Rodney away.

***

John sat outside the infirmary, in the corridor, back pressed against the wall. He had retreated to this spot after Beckett had informed them all that he would be a while running tests on Rodney and that they needed to stay out of his way. Several times Elizabeth had tried to get him to go to his room to rest. Teyla had brought food, which he refused. Ford had tried to cajole him into taking a walk. John had ignored them all.

Something was wrong with Rodney. He had looked like death warmed over as he collapsed. And then his eyes had rolled up as his body had convulsed. Seizures..he had heard Beckett saying as they wheeled Rodney away. Maybe all of this shit was to blame. The accusation placed against Rodney. The lies. The stress. Everything. John closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. In the end he had added to it. Maybe he had even been the one to create it all.

"John?"

He jumped at the sound of Elizabeth's voice beside him. She was kneeling next to him, holding out a mug of something steaming. He shook his head at her.

She held firm. "It's soup and you will eat it or I will have Dr. Kelly sedate you." Her tone was soft but firm. Laced with steel.

John took the mug and took a sip, then he set it aside. He looked at her. "Anything?"

"Nothing yet." Elizabeth sat down next to him. "Why don't you at least come lay down on one of the empty beds?"

"No." He didn't want to move. He was afraid to move. Afraid that if he did anything at all, something bad would happen to Rodney.

Elizabeth was about to say something more when footsteps approached.

John looked up to see Beckett approaching. He jumped to his feet. The doctor's face was grim. "What is it? What's wrong? Is Rodney okay?"

Carson rubbed a hand over his weary face. "Rodney is holding his own, major. We have him stabalized."

Relief washed over John. "Can I see him?"

"Not yet."

"What's wrong with him?" Elizabeth interjected.

Carson looked at Sheppard as he spoke. "Rodney has a brain tumor."

John heard the words. They echoed in his head. Then they faded away as darkness swirled around him. He didn't feel himself hit the floor.

~~~

John became aware of voices. At first they sounded jumbled together, but eventually he was able to seperate them. Beckett and Weir. They were close by and John opened his eyes. Everything was blurry so he blinked hard and shifted and the noise brought a figure looming over him. Once he was able to focus he found himself staring up at Elizabeth's concerned face. John remembered what happened. He made to sit up but a broad hand on his chest pressed him back. John turned his head to see Beckett on the other side of him.

"Rest easy, laddie," Carson ordered.

"Rodney?" John batted Beckett's hand aside and managed to sit up a bit. Glancing down at himself he realized he was wearing red scrubs.

Elizabeth touched his shoulder. "Rodney is..resting."

John rubbed a hand over his face. "How long was I out?"

"About three hours," Carson replied. "You need about ten more. Between everything that's happened and your own injuries that haven't fully healed, you're a mess, major."

"I'm fine." John was a firm believer in denial. He didn't feel fine. He felt tired and achy and sick to his stomach. He locked eyes with Beckett and asked, "Is Rodney going to die?"

Carson blanched at the question. "No..he won't die. But I am going to have to operate to remove the tumor."

John wasn't surprised by that. "When?"

"Actually, in about three hours. We're getting him prepped now."

"I want to see him." John made to slide off the bed, but two sets of hands held him back. "I have to see him!"

Carson squeezed his shoulder. "And you can...soon. LIke I said..he's being prepped."

John could see that Beckett was being sincere, so he made himself relax. "Okay. Sorry." He was relieved when their hands slid away, then he made another attempt to get up.

"Where do you think you're going?" Carson demanded, as he blocked him.

"I'm getting dressed," John replied. "Where are my clothes."

Carson shook his head at him. "You're not going anywhere, major. When it's time I'll send a nurse with a wheel chair to bring you over to Rodney, but otherwise you're confined to this bed."

John glared at Beckett, eyes flashing. "I'm not staying here. I'm fine."

"You're not fine, John," It was Elizabeth who spoke. She offered him a tired smile. "You're a physical and emotional wreck and you need to rest and heal."

"I need to be with Rodney." John tried to hold her gaze but couldn't. He dropped his eyes to his hands and watched as his fingers plucked at the blankets. His thoughts were on his lover. After a moment he glanced up at Beckett, who was watching him with wary eyes. "When you remove the tumor..will Rodney get better?" There was so much he was asking with one little question.

Carson's eyes went wide and then he nodded. "Aye..I think so. Dr. Tersey is performing the actual operation, I'm assisting. She told me that the tumor is putting pressure on certain areas of Rodney's brain, stimulating some cortex's while dampening others. My guess is that once we remove the tumor, Rodney will go back to normal."

Relief washed over John in waves. They crashed so hard he felt dizzy. "He was sick." In his heart John had always known it to be true. He wouldn't have fallen in love with the man Rodney had become for the past few months. But he wondered if it mattered now. A part of John knew that he couldn't turn back time. He couldn't forget everything that had happened between them. Everything he had let happen. He closed his eyes as Shame burned away the relief. "I want to be alone," he croaked out.

To John's relief, neither Weir nor Beckett argued the point. They simply faded away and John laid there, staring up at the ceiling, remembering the past inspite of himself and trying hard to crush each memory as it tried to burrow deeper inside him. He couldn't do this.

"Major?"

The voice was practically in his ear and John jumped, only to realize it was one of Beckett's nurses. She was standing behind a wheel chair. More time had passed than John had expected. He tossed back the covers but ignored the chair. "I need to use the bathroom first," he told her. "I'll call you when I'm ready."

The nurse nodded, offering a shy smile. "Of course," she said softly, then she slipped away.

John did use the bathroom, then he splashed cold water on his face. Then he made his way to the curtained area at the other end of the infirmary, by passing both the wheel chair and the nurses station. A moment later he was standing next to Rodney's bed. Rodney was still and hooked up to IV's and monitors. His head had been shaved and he looked so pale and still that John had too check for a pulse with his fingers against Rodney's throat, unwilling to believe the beep of the heart monitor. "I'm sorry, Rodney," John whispered, as he let his eyes flicker over the other man's face. "I should have done something. Hell if I know what...but I knew that wasn't you. I knew it in here." John thumped a hand against his chest, over his heart. "I fucked this up, Rodney. I fucked us up. I'm sorry." Leaning in, John pressed a butterfly soft kiss against the thin lips. "Be okay," he breathed. "You have to be okay."

"Major..."

"Yeah?" John pulled back then looked up to see Beckett standing there.

Carson looked sad. "You need to get back to bed, laddie. I want you to rest or I'll sedate you."

John felt a flare of anger. "You can't do that! I have to be there for Rodney."

"It's going to be a very long operation, major," Carson replied. "Now come to bed." He gestured for Sheppard to precede him.

"I want to stay with him," John countered, as he reached for a chair and pulled it over to the bed.

Carson sighed and looked ready to protest, but then he simply nodded. Turning away he walked out.

John sank down into the chair, feeling shaky and relieved. A moment later Beckett reappeared and handed him a pair of socks and a blanket. John accepted them, offering a grateful smile. The floors were cold against his bare feet, but he felt so numbed from the inside out, he hadn't realized it till now. "How much longer before you take him in?" he asked, as he pulled on the socks.

"About two hours." Carson draped the blanket around Sheppard's shoulders. "I'm confining you to your bed for the duration. I wasn't kidding about it being a long operation. Ten hours if all goes well, could be up to fifteen hours with complications."

"Are you expecting any?" John asked, and the thought of it terrified him all over again.

Carson shrugged. "I always expect the worst," he allowed. "Best to be prepared." He moved to check on Rodney's vitals then he stepped around behind Sheppard's chair and patted his shoulder. "Have faith, major," he said softly.

John almost laughed at that, but his tone was sharp as he hissed, "I wasn't the one who lost it!"

Carson had the grace to look guilty. "Aye," he allowed, then he slipped out of the area.

John drew his legs up against his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Then he sat there and watched Rodney breathe.

~~~

When it was time for Rodney to be taken into surgery, John was guided back to his bed. He didn't argue the point. He had no intention of leaving the infirmary so he figured he might as well lay there for now. Only at some point he fell asleep and his thoughts spiraled into dreams that morphed into memories.

John remembered the first time he'd seen Rodney. At the base in Antarctica when he sat down in that damned chair. Doing that had changed his life forever and John still remembered how everyone came running and he hadn't know who Rodney was then, but the man had been green with envy.

That memory slithered away to others. Good memories mixed in with the bad. Waking the Wraith, killing Sumner, nearly dying when they had set off the Naquadah generator to kill the virus. But through all that hell there was Rodney. Even when he exasperated John, Rodney was a constant that kept him grounded.

Then they had fallen in love. For a moment in time, John's life had been perfect. Or as perfect as anyone could hope for. But what had started out as something good and beautiful had soon been tainted and John blamed himself. But he didn't want to remember the pain, he wanted to wrap himself in the bright, warm, love that had been so intense but so brief.

So he focused on that love, on those bright and perfect moments. He clung to the memory of the Rodney McKay he had fallen in love with. John let those memories imprint themselves on his soul, until he felt himself dragged down into a comforting darkness. Into a sweet oblivion that he never wanted to let go of.

***

Elizabeth sat in the chair next to Sheppard's bed. She watched a nurse fuss with the IV that was taped to the back of John's hand, then she injected something into the port. "What are you giving him?" Elizabeth asked.

"A sedative," the nurse replied. "Dr. Beckett wishes for Major Sheppard to remain asleep for the duration of Dr. McKay's operation."

"Right..of course." Elizabeth smiled and nodded, dismissively. The nurse left and Elizabeth let herself just look at Sheppard. He look pale and young and oddly fragile. Sighing, she buried her face in her hands and let herself remember the conversation she had had about Rodney and Sheppard this morning, in Carson's office. Beckett had told her that the surgery was risky, but that he was hopeful. He had told her he expected it to *Fix* Rodney, as it were, but there were no guarantees. Then she had asked about Sheppard and Carson told her he was going to keep the major sedated for the duration of Rodney's surgery. Stupid of her to forget that, but she was so damn tired.

She knew that John would be angry when he woke up. That he would accuse them all of keeping him away from Rodney. Which is exactly what they had done. But it had been neccessary. Elizabeth had truly believed that to be true. What Rodney had done to John was wrong. It was twisted and it had fucked Sheppard up in so many ways. Elizabeth held out great hope that the surgery would fix Rodney, and Carson seemed to firmly believe that it would. But she wondered what they could do to fix John. Or if it was simply too late.

***

John heard voices. They sounded garbled and kind of far away and he lifted a hand to rub at his eyes so that he could peel them open. Everything looked blurry but he knew where he was. He must have fallen asleep. But Rodney would be in surgery now and John needed to be there. Pushing up, he reached out to push the blankets off and felt a tug of pain in the back of his left hand. Stupidly, he blinked at the IV taped there. He didn't remember getting an IV. Anger flaring, John ripped it out then slid out of bed. His knees buckled as his feet hit the floor, but he locked them and held to the side until a wave of dizziness passed.

"Major...you shouldn't be out of bed."

He glared at the nurse who approached him. "Did they start the surgery?"

She blanched. "Just stay put, I'll get Dr. Beckett." She turned and fled.

John felt his anger flare up a notch. If Beckett was available that meant either the surgery hadn't started yet, or he had slept through it. Just then he heard footsteps and John looked up to see Beckett fast approaching. "You drugged me!" It was a full out accusation.

"Yes." Carson didn't deny it. "I felt it was for the best." He reached for Sheppard's hand, the one that was bleeding all over his floor now.

"You bastard!" There was cold anger behind the words, as John pulled away from Beckett. "Where is Rodney? I want to see him. Is he okay?"

It was Carson's turn to glare. "I'll tell you everything after you get back in bed and let me check on your hand."

John was about to argue then he said simply, "I have to pee first." He saw that Beckett was startled, but understood, so John turned away and headed for the bathroom. He did have to relieve himself, but he also wanted a moment alone. He needed to clear his head and he needed to gird his loins before facing the truth. Whatever that truth might be. He was glad when Beckett left him to make it on his own. Once he reached the bathroom, John took care of his needs then he splashed cold water on his face. He dried it then pressed the towel over the back of his left hand. IT was still bleeding. Then he sat down on the toilet seat. He wasn't sure he was ready for the truth.

"Major?" Carson knocked on the door. "You okay in there?"

"Yes." A lie but one that had to be told. John rose to his feet. He didn't want to go out there, but he knew he couldn't hide from this either. So he thought the door open and stepped out. He let Beckett guide him back to bed and he laid there, letting the Scotsman clean the tear on the back of his hand and tape it.

Carson studied Sheppard. "I'll leave the IV out, but you need to make sure you drink enough fluids and eat."

John nodded. "Fine." He wasn't interested in such trivial things. "How is Rodney?"

"We had a wee complication during the surgery, but we dealt with it and Rodney came through it."

"So he's okay now?"

Carson winced and pulled up a chair. "I won't know for a couple of days. I've put him in an induced coma."

John was stunned to hear that. It was like a kick in the gut and he felt himself curl over in reaction. "Why? What's wrong with him? You said he came through it."

"He did..and he's doing well." Carson reached out and laid a hand on Sheppard's knee. "I want him to have the chance to heal without outside interruptions that might be negative. We don't know how Rodney is going to react, major."

"How..how long will he be in the coma?"

Carson seemed to hesitate, as if debating to tell him. Then he said softly, "Three days."

John could deal with that. It wasn't as if he had a choice. "I want to see him."

"In a bit. I want you to eat first and I have to run his vitals and such." Carson rose from the chair.

"Can I get out of here?" John asked. He was tired of this place. Tired of everything really, but especially of this place. It was open and light but it felt cold and dark and enclosed to John. Only bad things happened in this place.

Carson shook his head. "I'd like to keep an eye on you for at least another day."

John locked eyes with Carson, letting him see how important this was. "I need to get out of here, please. I want to shower and wear my own clothes and I promise to eat something before I come back."

"All right, major." Carson gave in with a sigh. "I'm giving you one hour to come back here. After you see Rodney, I want to examine you, then we'll go from there."

"Thanks." That was all John said. He was grateful not to have to argue the point. He slid off the bed and headed for the door. A few minutes later he was in his room. Idly, he looked around. It looked a bit messy and he realized he hadn't bothered to clean it in a long time. But even as he started to do so he came across one of Rodney's tee shirts and John picked it up and stared at it. It was Rodney's *I'm With Genius* shirt. Sometimes Rodney would wear only that when he fucked John.

Fucked him.

John closed his eyes. He didn't want to remember this. Those were false memories now. Rodney had been sick. He hadn't meant to do what he did. It wasn't Rodney's fault. Those words replayed themselves in John's head. OVer and over again, like a mantra. But he found himself not believing them.

Dropping the shirt onto the floor, John stepped over it and headed into the bathroom. He showered then dressed in his uniform pants and long-sleeved, black shirt. He wouldn't be back on duty for a while, but he wanted to wear something that made him feel less vulnerable. In uniform, in the past, he had always been in control. He needed to find a way to get that control back.

Leaving his room, John did as he had promised Beckett. He stopped at the messhall for a bite to eat. He ran into Teyla and when she invited him to join her, John declined and he was relieved when she seemed to understand his desire to be alone. She let him walk away without feeling guilty about it. So he sat at a corner table and forced down half a plate full of some casserole and a cup of coffee. John didn't taste any of it. When he was done he dumped what was left, dropped his dishware into the proper bin then headed out.

Five minutes later he was back in the infirmary. Beckett had been called to some emergency in one of the labs, so a nurse led John over to Rodney's bed. He was hooked up with tubes and monitors and as pale and still as John remembered from the last time. The only difference now was the white bandage wrapped around Rodney's head. It hit John that Rodney would be bald underneath. Not that it mattered. Rodney was alive and that was the important thing.

John sat down in the chair next to the bed. He stayed there until Beckett returned to examine him. Then he returned to the chair, but he left when Beckett ordered him out to eat. He came back then stayed until night time. John knew he wouldn't sleep. So when Beckett gave him a sedative - a tiny white pill - he took it then went to his room. John didn't strip down though. He just kicked off his boots, grabbed a blanket to wrap around him, then he curled up on his bed.

The next two days fell into the same pattern.

The third day he was sitting by the bed, reading his book, when Rodney opened his eyes.

Relief flooded through John. Relief and a sudden, sharp, fear. Rising to his feet, John let the book slip to the floor. He felt Rodney's eyes upon him and he took a step closer. "I...I'll get the nurse," John mumbled, then he almost ran from the room. He found Beckett and told him Rodney was awake. Beckett took off to check on him.

John took off as well. Out of the infirmary. He jumped into the nearest transporter and five minutes later he was on the south side, fifth level balcony. Stuffing himself into the corner. John closed his eyes against the sudden burn of tears.

~~~

John jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulders. He had been staring out over the water, his mind so focused inward that he hadn't even heard anyone approach. Turning his head, he wasn't really surprised to see that it was Elizabeth. "How did you find me?" John asked.

Elizabeth made a face. "It wasn't easy. I ended up asking Zelenka to help me. We used the Atlantis based life signs detectors. You were the only life sign this far out."

"Makes sense." John wished she would go away but he didn't tell her that. He knew she wouldn't leave. "How is Rodney doing?"

"Very well," Elizabeth replied. "Beckett is pleased. It'll be a few days before Rodney's awake and lucid enough to really talk with us though. But Beckett told me that the rest will help him to heal."

John closed his eyes and offered up a silent prayer. He was relieved that Rodney would be all right. "That's good," he replied.

Elizabeth let gave his shoulder a squeeze then let her hand slide away. "How are you doing?"

"Been better," John allowed.

"Why don't you come inside? It's cold out here and you're still recuperating yourself." Elizabeth took a step towards the door, then paused, waiting for him to follow.

John shook his head. "I can't breathe in there."

Elizabeth moved back to his side. "Do you want me to call Carson?"

"No..it's more psychological than physical." Stepping away from the railing, John moved to the corner and stuffed himself in it again. He felt safer there, as if he really could just hide away from the world.

"You're not alone, John," Elizabeth said softly, as she moved to sit beside him. "I want to help you get through this."

John knew that but what she didn't seem to know, or want to understand, was that no one could help him. They couldn't understand what he felt, what all of it felt like. He didn't understand it himself. Lifting his head, John locked eyes with her. "I have to figure this out on my own."

Elizabeth looked sad. "You're wrong about that."

"No..I fucked this up!" John heard the sharpness in his tone and he wondered if she realized his anger was directed at himself.

"You did nothing wrong, John."

He glared at her. "It's not even about wrong or right anymore. What happened to me...what happened with Rodney...I let it happen. I didn't stop it. I knew he was sick because...he changed. The Rodney I fell in love with..the Rodney that loved me back...he faded away and I didn't do anything to stop it. I just..I just accepted the changes."

Elizabeth shook her head, reaching out to Sheppard but pulling back when he moved out of reach. "No one knew what was wrong, John. We should have but we didn't. You did what you thought was right."

"Right for who?" John got up and moved to the railing. He clutched it with both hands until his knuckles turned white. He felt himself shaking, with anger and frustration and he couldn't stop the tear that slid down his face. "I let Rodney do things to me. Things the man I loved would never do. I let him control me and humiliate me. Half the time when he fucked me it was...it was pretty much rape. I was tied up and helpless and he hurt me because he could and I let him!" John realized what he was saying, what he was confessing to her and it shocked him. But it didn't stop him. It was as if some festering wound inside him had burst open and the sickness was gushing out.

"John.." Elizabeth began, holding out a hand as if to stop him.

But he shook his head at her. She had wanted him to talk about it, so now she could listen to the ugly truth. "I let Rodney do those things to me because I'm fucked inside. Because a part of me felt as if...as if I deserved it." It was hard for John to say, and yet at the same time it was a relief. A nauseating relief. Until this very moment he hadn't realized that this was the truth. "I thought I was doing it out of love. That if..if I did what Rodney wanted...things would go back to the way they were." John shuddered as he let himself relieve every moment of his time with Rodney. His body ached in memory of what Rodney had done to him. Of what he had allowed his lover to do to him. Hysterical laughter bubbled out of John and he swallowed it back, almost choking on it. "I thought...I thought he wouldn't love me if I didn't --" John broke off and scrubbed at his burning eyes with the heels of both hands. "How pathetic is that?"

Elizabeth cupped his face, making him look at her. "What happened was a cry for help, John. You can get that help now. Both of you can."

"I'm not good at this," JOhn whispered.

"What do you mean?"

He pulled away from her and stood up. "I don't..I don't know how to be a victim. I've always been the strong one."

Elizabeth looked sad as she nodded. "You still are the strong one, John. Anyone else would have broken a long time ago. But you were strong for yourself and for Rodney. You believed in him when no one else could."

"For some reason that doesn't make me feel any better." John wrapped his arms around himself, only now feeling the cold air seeping into his skin. He couldn't stop shaking.

"I'll walk you to your room," Elizabeth said, as she took him by the arm and guided him to the door. "Then I'll have Beckett come check on you and give you something to sleep."

Instinctively, John opened his mouth to protest only to snap it closed. He wanted the oblivion, if only for a little while. So he let Weir walk him to his room. He let her guide him down onto his bed. He was barely aware of her pulling his shoes off and draping a blanket over him. John was so tired that he slid easily into darkness. He came awake, briefly, to the sound of Beckett's voice. He felt fingers taking his pulse and checking his temp then a sharp sting in his shoulder and everything faded to black again.

John felt relief as the darkness claimed him.

***

Rodney remembered everything. He remembered what he had done to John. Remembered, almost, the way it had all started. A headache that wouldn't go away. Anger barely held in check. Desire and need and lust blurring together and wiping out the warm love that he developed between them. When he slept Rodney dreamed in fragments. Images dancing in his head of John tied up and himself plunging into the slender body. Of the way he had controlled John and the way John had let him. What sucker-punched Rodney time and time again was the look in John's eyes. No matter what Rodney had done to him, no matter how hurtful his words, John had looked at him with love.

"Dr. McKay?"

Rodney jerked away from the soft touch on his shoulder, one hand coming up to scrub the tears from his face. He flushed with shame and turned his head away from Teyla's searching eyes. "Leave me alone.." he mumbled at her.

But Teyla remained by his side. "Is there anything I can bring for you?" she asked.

"Why?" Rodney knew that everyone was aware of what he had done to the major. He had raped John in more ways than one and everyone knew.

"Why?" Teyla echoed, confusion in her voice.

Rodney turned his head to glare at her. "Why do you ask? What do you care?" He knew that Teyla and John were friends. Hell, he had accused John of being more than friends with on countless occasions and had punished him for time and again for insisting that he and Teyla were nothing more than friends. Now Rodney knew that John had been telling the truth.

Teyla smiled softly, understanding now lighting her eyes. "You must not punish yourself for things that were beyond your control," she chided him.

"Have you seen Sheppard?" Rodney asked, and he hated how desperate he sounded. He had been awake for two days and John hadn't come to see him. Not that he really expected him too. Beckett had told him that Sheppard was exhausted and recuperating in his room. Rodney didn't believe him.

"He has been sleeping alot," Teyla replied, without hesitation. "I checked on him this morning but he was still in bed."

Rodney looked into Teyla's eyes and knew that she wouldn't lie to him. "God..I hurt him so much," he whispered, dropping his eyes to focus on his hands, which were twisted in his lap.

Teyla patted his arm. "Yes..but he understands why."

"Does he?" Rodney heard the sharp bitterness in his tone. "I wouldn't understand in his place. Not that John would ever have done such a thing..not ever."

"You were ill, Dr. McKay! You must accept that!" Now it was Teyla's voice that was sharp.

Rodney stared at her in surprise. "A brain tumor," he whispered softly, one hand lifting to touch the bandages wrapped around his head. "That's pretty hard to accept." He knew that he was going to be okay. Beckett had performed test after test and Rodney was fully aware of the fact that he still remembered everything. He was still a genius. He should have been grateful for that, but he wasn't. Nothing mattered accept the fact that he had destroyed something beautiful. He had destroyed John Sheppard. He had destroyed their love.

***

"How do you feel, Rodney?" ELizabeth asked, as she stared at his still form in the bed. She had been sitting there for five minutes, and she knew he was awake, but he hadn't stirred to acknowledge her presence.

After a moment, Rodney turned his head to face her. "Is John going to be all right?"

Elizabeth winced and decided to be completely honest. "I hope so."

"I never...I never meant to hurt him." Rodney's voice was hoarse and broken.

"I know that now," Elizabeth allowed. She reached for his hand but he pulled away from her and it broke her heart. A part of Elizabeth still felt a flare of anger at Rodney for what he had done, even though she knew in her heart and her head that Rodney hadn't been in control of his actions. He couldn't help what had happened, but the end result was still the same. John Sheppard was broken.

Rodney watched his hands, fingers plucking at the blankets. "I want to see him. I want to tell him how sorry I am."

Elizabeth understood. "Just give him some time, Rodney. He has alot of healing to do and his body is finally trying to do that."

"That's what everyone tells me," Rodney shot back, as if he didn't believe it.

"Because it's the truth," Elizabeth countered, firmly. She wished there was more she could say. She wished she could tell him that everything would be allright, but she knew it wouldn't be all right for a long time to come. Swallowing a sigh, she rose from the chair and offered a smile. "We'll get through this, Rodney. It's just going to take time."

Shoulders slumping in defeat, Rodney nodded. "I know."

Elizabeth reached for him again and this time he allowed her touch. "How are the sessions with Kate going?"

"I guess they help." Rodney shrugged her hand off his shoulder. "But the thing is...I remember it. All of it. I remember in glaring detail every fucked up thing I did to John. I remember how he looked at me when I fucked him. I could see the pain in his eyes but there was still love there, Elizabeth. No matter what I did to him...he still loved me.." Rodney broke off and buried his face in his hands. "I remember loving him back. God..it hurts so much. I can't...I can't take it back.."

"Shh...it's okay," ELizabeth soothed Rodney as she took him into her arms and held him. She felt his tears soaking into her shirt and she hoped that this moment would be the start of him beginning to heal. There had been so much damage to both men that she prayed something could be salvaged.

***

For three days John did nothing but sleep, go to the bathroom, take a sip of soup or the sandwich that was left on his bedside table and sleep some more. He welcomed the sweet oblivion as much as the uncomplicated routineness of it all. But on the fourth day he dragged himself into the shower and made himself get dressed. Then he slipped out of his room before anyone could show up. John stopped at the messhall and grabbed a cup of coffee and what passed for a danish. He headed for the balcony but took a U-turn and made his way to the Jumper bay. He found Zelenka at work doing an overhaul on Jumper one and John offered a quiet greeting.

Zelenka looked surprised to see him but recovered admirably to ask, "How are you feeling, major?"

"Ask me later," John replied, as he wrapped the uneaten half of his danish in a napkin and set it aside. "Got time enough to give me a lesson in Jumper mechanics 101?"

"Is good idea for you to know how to fix jumper," Zelenka allowed. "I have time, yes."

John felt himself smile and, shaky as it was, it felt good to do so. "Where do I start?" he asked, as he moved to sit next to the scientist.

Zelenka pointed to the circuit box he was working on. "Let me show you how everything is supposed to hook up. We go from there."

That sounded like a plan to John and he spent the next three days sleeping, trying to eat, and glued to Zelenka's side as he learned to take a jumper apart and put her back together again. And for the first time in months, John felt like normal might finally be within in reach.

***

John hadn't meant to stop by the infirmary. He had asked Elizabeth if he could take a trip to the mainland for a few hours. Since they needed to pick up some food supplies, she had allowed it and John had relished the time, absorbing the fresh air and sunshine and he had even stopped by Halling's village to drop off a gift to Jinto. A crudely made football that John had fashioned from pieces of scraps. He had made it during the early weeks of his relationship with Rodney. Just a few days ago he had discovered it again and finished it when he couldn't sleep. So he had taught Jinto how to pass and catch and the hours had slipped away.

It was late when John got back but he had radioed Weir and she hadn't been upset with him for staying. Now John was tired but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. He had been putting this off for too long. He needed to see Rodney.

So now he was standing next to his lover's bed and relief washed over him. Rodney was still bald, although he was sporting peach fuzz, and his skin was flushed with healthy color and he looked almost peaceful in his sleep. He looked the way John remembered, all the nights they had fallen asleep together in each other's arms. A memory that was both warm and painful. John closed his eyes and made to turn away when the sound of his name stopped him. He opened his eyes to see Rodney watching him. "Sorry..didn't mean to wake you."

"I don't care about that." Rodney pushed himself upright against the pillows, wincing a little. "I'm glad to see you. You look...I mean...God...I'm so sorry, John. I can't even begin to put into words how sorry I am."

"Don't!" John's voice cut threw Rodney's apology, cracking like a whip. "Just..don't!" He couldn't look at Rodney now, not without remembering the way Rodney had looked at him. The way the love had turned to lust and to cold pain. John felt nausea roll over him and he turned and bolted. He made it to his room before puking his guts out then he stripped and got into the shower, turning the water on as hot as he could stand it before trying to scrub away the feel of Rodney's fingers biting into his flesh. By the time he crawled into bed he felt cold and sore and shaky, but he still managed to fall asleep.

Surprisingly he didn't dream.

***

John didn't go back to the infirmary. Instead he started sessions with Kate Heightmeyer. He wanted to get back through the gate and he knew he needed help. So he did everything he felt he needed to do. Daily sessions with Heightmyer, workouts with Teyla, two hours a day with Zelenka learning all the ins and outs of the jumpers and various other pieces of Ancient technology. He also jumped back into his duties as ranking military officer, which included far too many reports in his opinion, but John didn't complain. The routine became familiar and welcome and he pushed himself to his limits and beyond.

He didn't go to see Rodney again, although he asked about him. Teyla gave him updates during their sparring lessons and John had fallen into the habit of playing chess with Elizabeth twice a week. They talked about Rodney alot during their games. John was glad that Rodney was doing well. He was still careful to avoid him like the plague though. He wasn't ready to face him. He wondered if he ever would be.

Finally the day came when Beckett cleared him as physically fit to go back through the gate and Kate gave her go ahead as well. They would continue with weekly sessions, but John felt he was ready to get back out there with his team. But there was a sticking point. Rodney had been a member of that team and John had a decision to make. Elizabeth left it to him to make the right choice.

And so it was that John found himself seeking Rodney out in his lab. McKay had gone back to full duty just three days ago and John was surprised to see how *normal* Rodney looked when he entered. His hair was still a buzz cut, but he looked good and just so *Rodney* that John felt a familiar tug of warmth in the pit of his stomach. But it was comforting to him somehow. Sucking in a deep breath, John exhaled slowly then called out, "Rodney."

"John!" Rodney spun around on his stool so fast he nearly slid off it. "What..what are you doing here?"

"Got a minute? We need to talk." John took a step closer, feeling his stomach clench. But seeing how nervous Rodney was, the skilled hands shaking as Rodney twisted his fingers into knots, made it easier for John to relax himself.

Head bobbing, Rodney replied, "Sure...I've got lots of time. So..how are you doing? You look good."

John managed a genuine smile. "I feel good. I'm ready to go back through the gate."

"Yeah..I heard." Rodney looked sad but offered a crooked grin. "Elizabeth told me. That's great."

"Things have changed so much, Rodney," John said soflty.

Rodney bowed his head. "Yeah...I changed everything," he whispered.

John could feel Rodney's sorrow. "Wasn't your fault," he replied, and he realized he meant it.

"Feels like it was," Rodney shot back. "What I did to you...John.."

"It wasn't you, Rodney," John interjected. "We both know that now."

Rodney lifted his head and his eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Ever think you'll be able to forgive me?"

John was silent for a moment, wondering that himself. But when he replied it was with the simple truth. "I already have."

"Really?" Rodney looked both stunned, and hopeful.

"I forgive you, Rodney," John said firmly. "But...I can't forget." And that statement hung between them. John doubted he would ever be able to forget how hurt and confused and vulnerable Rodney had made him feel. In a way is was as much his own fault for allowing himself to be victimized, but that didn't change what had happened. It didn't make it easier for John to accept.

Rodney looked almost..relieved. "I can't forget either. The pain I caused you.."

John shook his head. "Don't, Rodney. Let it go."

"Easier said than done."

"I know." John sighed. "Look..Um...I came to tell you that I've asked Zelenka to join my team. You won't be cleared for gate travel for a couple more months anyway and think this is for the best. At least for now."

Rodney nodded. "I agree. Radek will do a good job."

John smiled. "Yeah..he will. He's excited about it." After he said that a heavy silence descended between them. Heavy and awkward and John turned to go.

Rodney called him back. "John...do you think --"

John turned back. "Do I think what?" he prompted.

"Maybe I could come back to the team if Zelenka doesn't work out. I mean...a test run or something." Rodney looked hesitant to push his luck.

"Maybe," John allowed, but he couldn't look at Rodney as he said it. He knew what Rodney was really asking. He wanted them to be friends again but John wasn't sure he could do that. Not right now anyway. But maybe later it would be different. He was just going to take it one day at a time. Maybe then he wouldn't feel like a part of him was still slipping through the cracks. "I..I have to go." With that he strode out the door, unaware of the fact that he was shaking.

***

Elizabeth watched John as he studied the chess board. He was biting his lower lip and he looked about sixteen years old in this moment. But she knew that a part of him was still broken inside. He was back on the team and going through the gate. Getting back out there had been good for him. He had come alive again in the past six months, but there was still a lingering sadness about him that broke Elizabeth's heart.

It had been a hellacious year for them all. But John had suffered the most, with Rodney not far behind him. They had formed a fragile relationship again. Not exactly friendship, but something close enough that they could both pretend that they had put everything behind them. But Elizabeth knew from the haunted look in Rodney's eyes that he couldn't shake the memory of what he had done. And when she looked into John's eyes she saw the emotional barriers he had erected. He had always been a private person, but he had trusted his heart to Rodney and Rodney had shattered it. John wasn't going to trust anyone again. Sometimes Elizabeth could see that he didn't trust himself either. It hurt to see him in such pain and she offered what comfort she could.

They had become more than friends and she thought maybe some day they would become lovers. She knew it wouldn't be about love for either of them and Elizabeth knew she could handle that. Her heart belonged to Altantis and the city was a demanding lover. But Elizabeth knew that she and John could offer each other comfort and companionship and that it would be enough for now.

"Checkmate."

The proclamation drew Elizabeth out of her reverie and she stared at the board in disbelief. Her gaze narrowed into suspicion. "I think you cheated."

John laughed. "Prove it."

"As if I could." Elizabeth let her frown turn into a smile. "It's late..I should go."

"I have coffee," John offered as a bribe for her to stay.

Elizabeth grimaced. "Because that's conducive to me being able to fall asleep later," she groused.

John shrugged. "Sleep is overrated. Another game?" He began setting up the pieces again.

"Sure." Elizabeth knew that he didn't want to be alone tonight. She knew that he was still haunted by his demons. So she would stay with him as she had on other nights, lying down with him later and holding him until he fell asleep. Then she would slip away to her own quarters where they would both pretend that everything was all right.

As Elizabeth made her first move she prayed that maybe someday...everything would be. "You're turn," she prompted, smiling at John.

He smiled back, dimples appearing in his cheeks.

For a moment Elizabeth believed.

THE END