Life's A Drag

by Merlin7

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asm/merlin7/lifedrag.php
Summary: Rodney has a secret that gets revealed and John huggles him through it.

Rodney heard the sniggering and it set off warning bells. Which he ignored until Benton, who was working on some calculations for Rodney, went gliding by him and whistled. Rodney stiffened and turned to glare at his team. They were all looking at him and holding back laughter. All except for Kavanaugh. He was laughing so hard he looked ready to choke. "What's do damn funny?" Rodney demanded.

Zalenka was the only one who looked sheepish and he actually glared at Kavanaugh before turning his laptop to face McKay.

Rodney felt all the blood drain from his head. He stared at the image on the screen and nausea twisted in his gut. His knees started to buckle and he locked them. But then he was turning blindly towards the door and running. As fast as as far as he could.

***

"Where is McKay?" Elizabeth asked the question as she entered the conference room. Everyone was present accept for Rodney.

John shifted in his chair. "Haven't a clue. Is there a problem?"

Elizabeth sat down and shrugged."Good question. He's never late for briefings."

"I'll go find him," John volunteered, as he rose to his feet in one, fluid, motion.

"Good." Elizabeth nodded her approval then looked at the others. "Guess you're free to go. I'll contact you once the major finds McKay.

John was already out the door when everyone else got up to leave.

The first place he tried was Rodney's room, since it was close by. John knocked on the door and called out but no response. He felt a bit guilty but he used his gene to open the door. The place was a mess. Not dirty so much as cluttered and the bed wasn't made. John grinned. Rodney was so not military. But the grin faded as he headed for Rodney's lab.

The place was empty when John entered, and that in itself was strange. He looked around for a moment and was about to leave when he sensed a presence. Whirling, John found Zalenka hovering in the doorway. He strode over to him. "You wouldn't happen to know where McKay is hiding, would you? He missed a briefing."

"No." Zalenka's voice was barely a whisper and he looked guilty. Then he shoved his glasses back farther on his nose and locked eyes with Sheppard. "I don't know where he is, but I know why he is...missing."

"Okay." John folded his hands over his chest. "Why?"

Zalenka moved past him and over to the laptop on the corner table. He lifted the top and winced. "This is why."

John got a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach over what he was about to see. He turned the lap top so he could see the screen and gasped. "Is that...is that....Rodney?"

"Yes." Zalenka turned away.

"What the hell?" John was torn between laughter and disbelief. "Okay...back up. What's going on?" As he asked he continued to stare at a picture of Rodney McKay dressed in....drag. John leaned in and shook his head. It was Rodney, in a blond wig with full makeup and wearing a dress and just everything. He looked faintly exotic and reminded John of the movie *Rocky Horror Picture Show*.

Zalenka started pacing as he blurted out what he knew. "I can't prove it but I believe Kavanaugh got this picture somehow and he's downloaded it into the system. I've been trying to delete it but he's coded it with a password. Dr. McKay took one look at it and I thought he would pass out. He looked ill. Then he took off and I have not seen him since. That was several hours ago."

Anger flared in John. "So chances are everyone in Atlantis is going to see this?"

"I'm pretty sure most everyone has by now..or will soon. I've heard...comments."

"Oh." John wasn't sure what to say to that. He opened his mouth and just then his radio crackled.

"Major Sheppard, it's Dr. Weir. We have a problem."

John tapped his ear piece. "Yeah...I know. I saw it." By the tone of her voice, John knew that Elizabeth was aware of the photo. "Look...I'm going to keep looking for Rodney. Send Ford and the biggest marine you can find to snatch up Kavanaugh and lock him in the cell we used for Steve."

There was a moment of silence, then Weir's clipped tone. "You think Kavanaugh is responsible for this?"

"I'm sure of it. Zalenka will fill you in." John looked at the scientist, who nodded then headed for the door. "After I find Rodney I'll take care of Kavanaugh. He has the code to get this thing deleted."

"You just concentrate on finding Rodney, major," Weir shot back. "I'll take care of Kavanaugh. Weir out."

John shivered a bit then grinned. Kavanaugh's ass was grass. His smile fading, John headed out the door. He had to find McKay.

***

Rodney was good at hiding. No one would find him until it was too late and he didn't care. He didn't want to be found and if he was he didn't want to face them. He couldn't do that again. Not again. So he curled himself up into the corner as best he could and willed sweet oblivion to claim him.

***

John grabbed a backpack before continuing his search. He stuffed it with water and powerbars, a blanket, a flashlight and a first aid kit. Best to be prepared for all emergencies. Then he headed out again with a life signs detector in his hand. A modified version that had popped up in the supply room while John was checking the backpack. He had been thinking he needed a way to pin point Rodney's location and *boom* there it was. Sometimes John liked his connection with the city. Sometimes it creeped him out. But if it helped him to find Rodney, it was all good.

So with the device in hand John made his way to the east end of the city. Located several sections down, in an area they had yet to explore, a red dot was flashing on the screen. John stepped into the nearest transporter and prayed it was Rodney.

***

He must have slept. He woke up feeling disoriented and groggy and cold. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He had moved an entire galaxy away from Earth and his past still managed to haunt him. Nothing mattered anymore. Everything he had done to forget meant nothing. The pain of that moment was back and as fresh as an open wound. Rodney closed his eyes tight. He would not cry.

He must have dozed off again because everything turned gray and shadowy, but then he was dragged out of it by a voice calling his name.

"Rodney? Dammit..I know you're here! Answer me!"

He didn't answer. He knew that voice. Sheppard. The major had found him, rat bastard. Didn't he know Rodney didn't want to be found. "Go away...." Rodney mumbled, to softly to be heard. Only Sheppard must have canine hearing because Rodney heard footsteps approaching then a blurry finger was kneeling before him.

John dumped his pack and reached out to cup Rodney's face in both hands. "Dammit, McKay. What the hell are you doing down here? Do you know how long it took me to find you even with the damn tracker?"

"Tracker?" Rodney didn't care but he was a bit curious. Couldn't help himself. And it surprised him to realize that the major was still talking at him. Rambling really. And Sheppard never rambled. So Rodney blinked and cleared the image of the major and he was surprised to see worry etched on the other man's face. PRetty face, Rodney thought idly. Major Sheppard was beautiful really. The kind of beautiful that Rodney had always been attracted too. The kind of beautiful he had always dreamed about being but knew he never would. The kind of beautiful he had tried so hard to be for Patrick, even knowing that he never could be. That you either were or you weren't and he should have known all along that Patrick never loved him.

"Eat this." John had peeled the wrapper off a powerbar and he held it to Rodney's lips. "Eat it dammit...or I''ll stuff it down your throat. Its been ten hours, Rodney. You have to eat."

Rodney turned his head away. "No." Why would he bother? He wasn't going back so it didn't matter. He was going to tell Sheppard that but strong fingers gripped his face then a piece of the powerbar was shoved between his lips. Automatically, Rodney chewed and swallowed so that he could curse at the major. But when he opened his mouth to do so, another piece of the bar was pushed between his lips and Rodney repeated the process. So did the major.

John studied Rodney once the power bar was in him. "Feel better?" He still looked shaky and pale. "Here...drink some water." John held the canteen for him.

It was easier to do as he was told and since it didn't really matter, Rodney drank. And he did feel better. The fuzziness wore off. But he didn't want this. "Go away," he slurred at Sheppard.

"When you're feeling better we'll both go," John replied. He tugged the blanket out of the backpack and covered Rodney who was shaking.

"Go away," Rodney repeated, trying to throw the blanket off. And they played the game for a bit, only Sheppard won, of course. But he cheated. He did some sneaky manuever and the next thing Rodney knew he was sitting between the major's legs, his back to Sheppard's chest, and strong arms were wrapped around him, holding the blanket in place. Rodney slumped, hoping he wouldn't crush Sheppard. The guy was too skinny. But he felt nice and strong and warm, surprisingly, so Rodney stopped fighting it. He even let his hands rest on the thighs that were snugged around him. Strong thighs and Rodney stroked them to distract himself.

John sighed then rested his chin on the top of Rodney's head. "I saw the picture. Weir is taking care of the problem, Rodney. So talk to me."

Rodney didn't want to talk. He just continued stroking Sheppard's thigh. It soothed him which made no sense, but he didn't care. He just kept doing it.

"You need to eat some more." John grabbed another power bar and unwrapped it. He shoved it under Rodney's nose.

"No." Rodney ignored it to stare at John's fingers. Long and slim and strong fingers. Fingers that had fed him a moment ago. Rodney shook his head to forget.

John could be patient. He set the bar aside and waited.

Rodney knew what he was doing. Sheppard could out stubborn a mule. He was tired and it didn't matter anymore, so he told him. "I fell in love. In college I was stupid. His name was Patrick and he flirted with me and made me feel special and loved and I believed him. And he was beautiful. Not like you, though. He had to work at it and it was a cold beauty, I realize that now. You're warm and just beautiful because you are." Rodney felt John shift against the wall and twisted his head so he could look up. He thought he saw a flush of pink glowing under the major's skin. Rodney choked on a giggle. He had made Sheppard blush.

"Tell me more about the picture," John prompted, his voice sounding hoarse.

"He asked me to dress up for him. He brought me what he wanted me to wear and I didn't even hesitate." Rodney flashed back to that day. How he had shaved his face and his chest and his legs for Patrick. How he had used perfume and spent two hours on his make up so everything had been perfect. How he had felt almost *pretty* and how happy he had been when Patrick had arrived and had looked stunned. Rodney had given him the blow job he asked for, leaving smudges of pink lipstick on the thick cock. He had left on the make up and wig and high heels while Patrick had fucked him, hard and long. Then he had gotten dressed in the dress again to let Patrick take pictures. Just for them, he had promised. And Rodney had posed on the bed, letting himself be wanton and *pretty* and Patrick had been delighted with him and Rodney had gone to sleep that night, feeling euphoric and beautiful and loved. But the next day he had gone to classes and everyone he passed had stared at him. Stared and giggled and pointed fingers and Rodney had soon realized that Patrick had developed the pictures of him in drag and had pasted them everywhere on campus. Everywhere Rodney looked he saw himself in drag, spread out on the bed. He looked like the whore he was.

John hugged Rodney as he trembled. "Don't...don't do that, Rodney. You did nothing wrong. Patrick was a piece of shit! If I could get back to Earth right now I would hunt down the rat bastard and kill him. A two for one, actually, cause I'd like to kill Kavanaugh too. But don't you blame yourself, Rodney." John was babbling and didn't care. "Patrick was a bastard!"

Rodney appreciated what Sheppard was saying, but he just didn't understand. "I loved him. I would have done anything for him . Died for him...I almost did." He hadn't meant to say that.

"What?" John shifted so that he could see Rodney's face. "What are you talking about?"

"I took pills." Rodney closed his eyes as he let himself rememeber. There had been no where he could go to escape the pointed fingers and the laughter. So he had simply returned to his room and headed straight into the bathroom. He had a bottle of sleeping pills there. Bought off the campus dealer. Sometimes he couldn't sleep and one pill would get him through the night. He knew that if he took the whole bottle he would never wake up again and all this would be over. So Rodney had swallowed them all and had laid down to sleep. He woke up in the hospital. Alone. Two years of therapy in a different city. Different school. Patrick had been suspended and Rodney hadn't care. He had still loved him for years. Even when the memory of him had faded.

John kissed the top of Rodney's head. "God..I'm so sorry."

Rodney believed him. "Do you think I'm beautiful?" It was a stupid question to ask but he asked it anyway. He knew John loved him but that was the one question Rodney had never asked. The first time they had sex and John had called him beautiful. The second time they had made love and Rodney had worshipped John, revelling in his beauty, and John calling him beautiful in return had shocked him. And all the months since then, John always told Rodney he was beautiful. But Rodney had never asked. Until now.

"You know I do," John whispered. "You're beautiful to me, Rodney."

"Why?"

John shifted them again so they were face to face. He cupped Rodney's chin in one hand. "Because you are. It's that simple."

Rodney shook his head. "I'm not beautiful. Not really."

"You're wrong." John's tone was sharp.

"I'm not beautiful like you."

John laughed and shook his head. "Rodney...I'm only beautiful to you. Because you love me."

Rodney locked eyes with John, wanting him to understand. "Everyone thinks you're beautiful. And you were beautiful to me even when I hated you."

"You hated me?" John looked stunned.

"I wanted too. You had the gene and I didn't." Rodney didn't want to go back to that. "You're beautiful in the way I always wanted to be."

John sighed. "It's superficial at best, Rodney. I'm very dark and ugly inside."

It was Rodney's turn to be stunned. "No!" He cupped John's face in his shaking hands. "You're beautiful inside and out. You made me believe I was beautiful, John. The way you look at me and touch me. The way you need me." And that was when Rodney felt the most beautiful. Whenever John would look at him with such need in his eyes. Like now. And when they were together, skin on skin, and John wouldn't beg with words so much as with his eyes. The way he would whisper Rodney's name when they were moving together, when Rodney would press inside him. He felt his cock harden because John was looking at him that way now.

"You're the most beautiful person I know, Rodney," John whispered, as he leaned in for a kiss.

And Rodney met him half way and then hands were moving, brushing shirts and pants aside and it wasn't about the connection so much as it was about touch and feeling and being and Rodney felt John's fingers curling around his hardness and he fumbled between them to find JOhn's heated flesh and they kissed and tasted and connected only with touch and Rodney whimpered as he came and then he felt John pull back to look at him and Rodney realized he had stopped stroking John and he made to start again only he didn't have too. Rodney felt warm wetness pulse over his fingers and he gasped to realize that John was looking at him as if he were the most beautiful man on the earth and that he had come from that alone.

John brushed a kiss to Rodney's lips. "You're beautiful, Rodney. Beautiful to me."

"Hold me." Rodney realized he was shaking and they shifted until Rodney was on his back with John over him. He liked it this way, liked to feel the weight of John covering him, warming him more than a blanket ever could. And the way John would tangle their legs, then nibble on Rodney's collarbone. The way he would whisper in Rodney's ear.

"I love you."

Rodney felt the past fading away, all the hurt and the shame, as John whispered those words over and over again. "Love you too," Rodney breathed. Then he drifted into sleep.

THE END