The Sacrifice

by Merlin7

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asm/merlin7/sacrifice.php
Summary: Sheppard is grabbed by Kolya and punished. But he finds his way back home and Rodney is there to help him heal.

Part 1

The unexpected had happened and it caught everyone on the team off guard.

They had come to M22-771 in search of medical supplies. According to Teyla, the Jemanites were something akin to what would be *monks* back on Earth. And they were devoted to medicinal practices. Such as creating medicines and potions from the herbs that grew on Jeman. So Weir had sent the team to meet with the brothers to ask for supplies and to share knowlege. Dr. Beckett had come along being that this was his field of expertise.

All had been going well until they had entered what Ford had dubbed the 'Tacky Temple'. It had looked somewhat like a temple of the Gods depicted in Greek mythology. With many alters, and statues that looked to be made out of a marble like material, only with a more shimmery sheen to them.

The Jemanites had led them to the temple, declaring that it was time for prayers to be offered and that they wished for their guests to observe. Teyla had explained that it was expected of them to do so and to refuse would be an insult. But even as they entered the temple, John had felt uneasy.

And now he knew why. The giant doors had closed shut behind them and out from behind one of the alters had stepped a familiar figure.

Acastas Kolya was smiling as he moved to face the Atlantis group. He was flanked by a dozen men dressed in black. Each wearing a long black coat which seemed to be a type of uniform. But they were not of the Genii. "We meet again, Major Sheppard," Kolya offered in greeting.

John stepped forward, his weapon at the ready. He took note of the fact that Kolya's men were armed as well and before he could speak he heard a scuffling sound.

"We're surrounded, sir," Ford stated.

"I can see that," John replied, as he turned a bit to look behind them. He then faced Kolya with grim determination. "How did you know we would be here?"

Kolya's smile widened. "Brother Faile and I are old friends. He knew that I had an interest in you, Major. When you introduced yourself he sent word to me and I gated here immediately."

John nodded. "You're good."

"Yes..I am." There was no arrogance in Kolya's tone.

"Don't take this the wrong way," John continued. "But I have to admit I'm rather sorry you're not dead."

Kolya shrugged. "We understand each other, Major."

John had his doubts about that. "So...I take it you're here as payback for what happened on Atlantis?"

"Of course."

"Are you going to kill us?" Mckay interjected, and his voice squeaked a bit. And as he asked he rubbed his forearm, remembering the knife wound that had scarred him for life. In more ways than one.

Kolya's eyes never left Sheppard as he replied. "No one has to die. But whether or not anyone does is up to the Major."

John did not like the sound of that. "How do you figure?" he countered.

"It's very simple." Kolya took another step closer. He was the only one without a weapon but there was no hesitation or fear in his eyes. Not even when Sheppard aimed his P90 right between his eyes. "I came here for you, Major. And you alone. You agree to come with me of your own free will and my men will release the rest of your team."

"NO!" The protest came from Ford.

John didn't turn around but barked out, "At ease, Lt!"

Ford muttered a curse beneath his breath but replied out loud, "Yes, sir. Sorry, sir!"

"I don't think I can go along with your plan," John drawled, his gaze never wavering from Kolya's face.

"So you condemn your people to death?" Kolya looked amused.

John smiled but there was a coldness to it that was reflected in his eyes. "You would never agree to it in my place, Kolya. Say I did go, what's to stop your men from killing my people on the spot. And let's not even go down the 'I give you my word' path. We both know your word holds no value to me."

Kolya shrugged. "Make me a counter offer, Major. I'm feeling generous today."

"I'm sure you are," John drawled. And why wouldn't he? Kolya held all the cards. "Tell you what. You let my people return to Atlantis, and I get to watch them go through the gate. Then I'll come with you."

"You can't do that, major!" Once again it was Mckay who interjected. "He'll kill you!" Rodney glared at Kolya.

John shook his head, still not turning away from Kolya. "No he won't. He can't play with me if I'm dead."

Laughter rumbled from Kolya's chest. "We do so understand one another, major. And you are right. I have no intention of killing you."

"Will you set him free when you are through with him?" It was Teyla who spoke up now.

"I will." Kolya's voice held an edge of sincerity.

Rodney snorted. "When? Twenty years from now?"

Kolya locked his steel gaze on Mckay's face and smirked when the scientist shivered. "When Major Sheppard has repayed his debt to me...I will allow him to return to Atlantis."

"Let's focus on the here and now," John jumped in, before Rodney or anyone else could respond. "Do we have a deal or not?"

"I think we need to negotiate terms a bit." Kolya returned his full attention back to Sheppard. "I will let you witness your team go through the gate, but only if you surrender your weapon to me now and allow yourself to be bound."

John didn't hesitate in his response. "But my team keeps their weapons. And if anyone of them even suffers a stubbed toe before they go through the gate..I will kill you."

Kolya looked pleased. "Agreed."

"Good." John knew he could not expect more than this. He also knew he had no choice and that he was lucky Kolya was in a generous mood. Although he had no doubt but that Kolya would expect to be repaid for said generosity. "Here you go." Before his team could make further protests, John handed over his weapon. He then found himself turned around, his hands tugged behind his back and his wrists bound with a thick cord. John watched his team as he was being handled. He saw Ford tense up with the intention of making some protest on his behalf and John caught the Lt's eye and shook his head at him. He nodded when Ford backed off. "Are we ready?" John asked, turning back to Kolya.

"Let us procede." Kolya stepped past John and led the way.

John found himself flanked by two of Kolya's men and the others gathered around his team as they followed in Kolya's wake.

The walk to the gate took less than twenty minutes. John smiled at his team as they paused by the entrance to the Jumper. "Tell Dr. Weir not to hold supper for me," he joked.

Mckay was not amused. "Why are you doing this?" he asked, plaintively.

"Blame it on my Captain Kirk complex," John shot back, and he got a ghost of a smile in response, before Rodney shook his head.

"Don't worry about me," John continued. "I'll be home before you know it."

"Time to go," Kolya spoke up. And his men herded the Atlantis team onto the Jumper.

John kept a smile on his face as the ramp lifted to seal his team inside. But the smile faded when he felt a presence behind him. He didn't have to turn and look to know that it was Kolya. And suddenly the man was pressed up against John's back, his bound hands trapped between them as a hard arm wrapped around his waist and held him firm. Then Kolya's lips were brushing John's ear. He didn't flinch. Didn't move a muscle. He would not give Kolya the satisfaction of a reaction.

Kolya chuckled softly as he whispered, "You are mine now, Major Sheppard. Mine in every way."

"Don't bet on it," John hissed. Then he found himself suddenly freed and he stumbled. But soon caught his balance and he whirled around and aimed a kick at Kolya's groin. He cursed when he missed his target. But he felt a smug satisfaction when he nailed Kolya in the soft spot between hip and groin and the other man grunted in pain.

"You will pay for that, major," Kolya snarled.

John knew that but it didn't matter. First blood was his, so to speak. Whatever game Kolya had planned, John intended to win.

Part 2

"We have to go back."

Rodney was the first to say what they were all thinking. And he said it the moment they cleared the gate into Atlantis.

Ford nodded. "We have to brief Dr. Weir and we'll need more back up. But we're definitely going back."

"I doubt Kolya will stay on Jeman with Major Sheppard," Teyla spoke up. "He knows we will come for the major. He will take him elsewhere."

"Teyla's right." Dr. Beckett put his two cents in. "The best we can hope for is that Kolya keeps his word and lets Major Sheppard go in the end."

Rodney snorted in disbelief. "Are you kidding me? He's not going to let the major go. He's going to torture him, then torture him some more then kill him!"

Ford glared at Mckay. "Enough! I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going back to get Major Sheppard!" With that he stormed off the Jumper, which Beckett had piloted into the bay.

The others followed him and they all ended up in the conference room.

Elizabeth listened as they debriefed and her expression was grim. When they were done she paced over to the window and was silent for a long moment. "I want a small team to go back to Jeman," she announced.

"I'll put one together," Ford stated.

"I need you here, Lt," Weir countered. "I'll send Sgt Bates." She looked at the others. "I don't think John will be on Jeman, but perhaps someone there might be willing to help us find him."

Teyla nodded. "We might be able to convince one of the Brother's to help us. I would like to go with Sgt. Bates."

Elizabeth smiled. "I was hoping you would offer."

"What do you want me to do?" Rodney asked, and his tone was a bit aggrieved.

"There's nothing much you can do, Rodney," Elizabeth replied. "Not until we find the major."

Rodney glared at her. "I can't just sit still and twiddle my thumbs! I want to help!"

Elizabeth shrugged. "If you have any ideas, please share them. Otherwise you'll just have to wait it out like the rest of us." With that she headed out of the conference room.

"We will find the major and bring him home," Teyla said softly.

"We have to find him," Rodney whispered. Then he pushed back his chair and strode out of the room.

***

Once the Jumper was gone and the gate had shut down, John found himself once again flanked by Kolya's men. They marched off and John was surprised to find Kolya leading them back to the temple. He was pushed into the main chamber. "Now what?" John demanded. He was no fool. He knew they would not be staying here for it would be to easy for his team to find him. In fact, he was surprised they hadn't gated out somewhere right behind them.

Kolya was smiling. "Now we go somewhere more...private." As he spoke he moved to one of the temple statues and pressed a hand to the stone face.

John jumped as he heard a grating noise and turned to see one of the inner walls sliding back. "Secret passage way," he muttered. "What do you know. I feel like I'm in a Tomb Raider movie. Too bad Angelina Jolie wasn't lurking about."

"Who is this Angelina person?" Kolya queried.

"A really hot babe in short shorts," John quipped.

Kolya stared at Sheppard for a long moment, then he gestured for him to enter the passageway. "After you, Major."

John wasn't thrilled about this, but it wasn't as if he had a choice, so he stepped inside. He found himself at the top of a winding set of stairs and started descending. When he reached the bottom, John's eyes went wide. Before him was another Stargate. Smaller than any other he had seen before. John felt Kolya's presence beside him and turned to face the other man. "What's going on here?"

"We're going on a little trip to a place where no one will ever find us, major. At least not unless I want them too." As he spoke, Kolya moved to the dialing panel. He pressed in his destination and hit the center button. The gate lit up and the puddle formed. "Time to go."

"So how long will we be gone?" John asked, as he deftly avoided the hand that reached for him. He would step through the gate on his own. And he would get back home, to Atlantis, on his own as well. Right after he killed Kolya, for real this time.

Kolya smiled. "Time will be unimportant, major. Are you ready?"

John snorted. "No. But let's get this over with." He followed Kolya up the ramp and stepped into the gate. When he stepped through onto the other side, John caught his breath. He could not believe what he was seeing. If he hadn't known better, he would have thought he had just stepped onto the beach in Figi. Surrounding him was a tropical paradise with lush vegetation, white sand and turquoise water. And to John's amazement, there was a waterfall pouring into a deep pool. "Where are we?"

"Our new home," Kolya replied, as he stripped out of his jacket.

"Home?" John echoed. He did not like the sound of that. Then he looked behind him to see that the gate had shut down and he realized that they were alone. Then, to John's amazement, Kolya was behind him and undoing the cord that bound his wrists. John rubbed the circulation back into them. "Nice place...," John acknowleged. "So what's going on? Why bring me here?"

Kolya pulled out a pair of sunglasses and slid them on. "I wanted us to spend some time together, major. Alone. There is no one else here and there are no weapons."

John was rather happy to hear that last part. It would make it harder to kill Kolya, but he would get the job done. "So really...what's the point of this? We talk? We fight? What?"

"I have plans for you," Kolya said quietly. "You intrigue me, major."

"Really?" John zipped out of his flak vest and jacket. The sun was bright and warm and John was glad he was wearing a tee shirt. "Why is that?"

Kolya smiled as his eyes roamed over Sheppard. "You are a skilled warrior and I admire that."

John smirked. "You're just saying that cause I beat you at your own game."

"The game is not yet over," Kolya replied. "Would you like to see our shelter?"

"Sure, why not?" John saw no reason not to indulge in Kolya's every whim. For the moment anyway. He needed some time to get to know his surroundings. To scout out locations and probable weapons and the like. So he followed Kolya past the water fall but was caught by surprise, yet again, when they reached a white structure that loomed out of the sand like a crystalized dome. "That's our shelter?"

Kolya said nothing but simply led the way towards it.

Sheppard followed and somehow wasn't surprised when a door slid open. He followed Kolya inside and it wasn't what he had expected. The interior was spacious and set up like a split level loft. There were three levels with connecting stairways. The decor was colorful and warm without being cheesy or sleazy. John studied his surroundings for a moment, then turned to Kolya and was a bit put off by how intently the other man was studying him. Plastering a smirk on his face, John drawled, "So did you decorate this place yourself?"

"Would you like a drink, major?" Kolya countered.

"Sure, why not." John didn't figure he had to worry about Kolya trying to poison him. He continued exploring his surroundings, climbing up to the second level. John discovered what was the equivalent to a bathroom and headed off to the next level. He found a huge bedroom area with what looked like a double King-sized bed. Continued explorations revealed that it was the only bed. So John was frowning as he made his way back to the first level. "So where are you sleeping?" he asked. If he had to stay here for a while, he was definitely getting the bed.

Kolya said nothing as he held out a chunky glass filled with an dark amber liquid. "I think you will like this," he stated.

John accepted the glass and studied it's contents. "So what is it? Island rum?"

"What is rum?"

"Something that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling if you drink too much of it." John's reply was full of snark and hidden meaning. He raised the glass to his nose and sniffed it. No odor. He then dipped a finger into the liquid then popped the finger in his mouth and sucked on it. He was pleasantly surprised by the flavor. It reminded him of brandy only smoother. He took a swallow and there was no burn. It went down as easy as a glass of juice. "Not bad," John praised.

Kolya smiled. "I have many new things to introduce you to, major," he said, before draining his own glass.

John followed suit then set the empty glass down on a nearby table. "What happens next? You wouldn't happen to have any surfboards lying around, would you?" John was pretty sure he had seen breakers out in the water. Water that he could see clearly from where he was standing. The crystalized walls that looked opaque from the outside were see through from the inside. John moved closer to the window only to stumble. He caught himself by grabbing the back of a chair. Only to feel his knees buckle and he was falling into darkness. But before it swallowed him, John heard Kolya's soft laughter, and felt something warm touch his face.

Part 3

John felt the darkness dissolve slowly into light and he winced as he forced his eyes open. Everything looked fuzzy so he blinked and the world came into focus. He recognized the room he was in. The bedroom. And he was lying in the bed. Then it hit him and John jack knifed upright, regretting it as pain stabbed in his temples. "Sonofabitch!" John cursed, but softly, as he pressed his palms to his head. "Bastard drugged me!" But that wasn't what bothered John most. It was the fact that he was naked beneath the blankets that pissed him off. The fact that Kolya had stripped him while he was unconscious. John couldn't help the shudder than ran through him.

He felt vulnerable and the feeling didn't fade now that he was awake. John slid to the edge of the bed and grabbed the sheet to wrap around him. Once he was dressed he would feel more in control. Then he would find Kolya and kick his ass. But first hie had to find his clothes. John stalked around the room, searching every corner. There were no dressers like he had back on Earth. There was just something that looked like a shelving unit. It was empty. And there was no closet either. John was just about ready to hunt Kolya down when he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat. Whirling around, the sheet clutched in both hands, John saw Kolya lounging against the door frame, smiling at him. "Where the fuck are my clothes?" John demanded.

"You have to earn clothing, major," Kolya drawled.

"Excuse me?" John was positive he had not heard him right.

Kolya let his eyes roam over Sheppard. "If you want clothing, you will have to earn it," he repeated, indulgently.

Sheppard did not like the sound of that. Nor did he like the way Kolya was looking at him. As if he could see right through the sheet. A slight shudder ran through John's body, but he glared at Kolya, defiantly. "And exactly how the hell do I do that?"

"First you should know that I will not give you back the clothes you came in," Kolya countered.

"Why not?" John did not like the smirk that twisted Kolya's thin lips.

Pushing away from the door frame, Kolya stalked towards Sheppard. "Your uniform is inappropriate for the weather here. As you can see, I'm dressed more lightly."

Truth be told, John hadn't noticed until Kolya pointed it out. But the other man had traded in his black attire for a tan shirt and tan trousers. The material for both was the same and looked like lightweight linen. The clothing made Kolya look different in a way John couldn't explain to himself, but the guy still looked menacing and John had to resist the urge to backpedal. "I want clothes...now!" He knew his eyes were flashing daggers at Kolya as he spoke.

"As I said, major. You have to earn them."

"Whatever." John was not about to play this stupid game. "What do I have to do?"

Kolya smiled. "To earn a shirt you have to let me kiss you."

John felt one eyebrow raise at that idea. He shook his head. "Not happening. Besides which, I'm far more interested in pants. What do I have to do to get them?" Even as he asked, John had a feeling he was not going to like the answer.

"For pants you have one of two options." Kolya moved a step closer to Sheppard. "You can service me, or you can let me pleasure you. Your choice."

"Fuck you!" It was a lame response but John was too stunned to think of anything wittier. When Kolya took another step towards him, John found himself stumbling back.

The smile never left Kolya's face. If anything he looked more amused. "Drop the sheet and I might be willing to bargain with you."

John shook his head and wrapped the sheet more firmly around his waist. "Forget it."

"Don't be so stubborn, major. I'm willing to work towards a compromise."

"Me too!" John felt anger wash over him and he welcomed it. "You can give me my damn pants and I promise not to kill you!"

Kolya chuckled, then he reached out and let one fingertip glide over Sheppard's cheek. When his hand was batted away he looked almost pleased. "I will give you some time to reconsider," Kolya drawled. "Rest up, major. You will need your strength for when I return." With that Kolya turned on his heel and exited the room.

John stared after him and was stunned when a wall like panel slid across the opening, sealing him in. He didn't need to pound on it to know that he was locked in. Hiking the sheet up so that it wouldn't trail on the floor and trip him, John began to pace. He could not believe this was happening. When Kolya had forced him here, John had figured it would be for a one on one face off. That they would fight to the death, winner take all. And he had intended to be that winner. But what Kolya was doing shook John. "Bastard!" he cursed, as he continued to pace. And then it hit him, what Kolya was doing. The sonofabitch was trying to break him down. And he was doing a pretty good job of it, John realized. Using sex intimidation was a standard torture technique known to most military personnel. And it was used because it was effective. Humiliating a man through sex was a quick way to shatter him. "I'm on to you, Kolya," John muttered to himself. "You won't win this one."

A yawn stifled John's monologue and he realized he still felt tired. Whatever Kolya had given him had a lingering after effect. And since he didn't know how long it would be before Kolya returned, John realized he would be better off getting what rest he could. So he climbed back into the bed, the sheet still wrapped around his waist and drew the blanket over him as well. Given the heat outside, the dome was surprisingly cool so the blanket felt comforting. John let his heavy eyelids close and in the space of a heartbeat, he was sound asleep.

***

John had no watch so when he awakened again, he had no way of knowing how much time had passed. What he did know was that he was hungry and he needed to empty his bladder. He slid out of bed, hauling the sheet with him, and was ready to pound on the door if he had too. But, to John's surprise, he noticed a shadowy outline in the wall and when he touched it a panel slid back and John stepped into what appeared to be an attached bath. He hadn't noticed this during his earlier explorations. Not that he had been looking. He was just relieved and swiftly took care of his bodily functions. Then he figured he might as well get cleaned up as well so he stepped into the shower. Or what passed for a shower. It wasn't so much a stall as a circular cut out with an overhead rig. John touched it and a heavy flow of warm water drenched him. He found what passed for soap and lathered up then rinsed off. Then he stepped out and used the sheet to dry off. He had hoped to find a towel to use for that purpose, and to cover up with. But no such luck.

Heading back into the bedroom, John was not surprised to find Kolya waiting for him. He plastered a smirk on his face. "So...do you plan on starving me to death?" John queried.

"Not at all, major." Once again Kolya let his eyes roam over Sheppard in a slow perusal from head to toe. "Once we handle the 'clothing' issue, you may eat."

"You're a control freak, Kolya." John turned away from the heated gaze, tugging the sheet with him. "You need to work on that. Get into therapy or something." John recognized what he was doing. Trying to stall the inevitable.

But Kolya was not interested in playing games this time. He got right to the point. "I have no problem with you remaining naked, major. The choice is yours." He turned and pointed to the shelving unit. "There are your pants. You may get dressed as soon as you earn them."

John stared at the pants. They were a soft blue color and looked to be of the same gauzy material that Kolya wore. "So...what is it I have to do again? Let you kiss me?" He figured he could handle that.

"Nice try, major." Kolya moved closer. "The kiss was for a shirt. We can work on that later."

"Okay...what then?" John knew but he was hoping Kolya was still willing to bargain with him.

Another step closer and Kolya cupped Sheppard's face in one palm. "You lost your chance at options, major. To get the pants you have to drop the sheet and let me...touch you."

John stepped back from Kolya's touch. It had taken all of his considerable will power not to shudder because of it, and the way that Kolya was looking at him. As if he were some feast to be devoured. "I know what you're doing." John decided it couldn't hurt to try and foil Kolya's plan but admitting he was on to it. "You can't break me this way, Kolya. So why don't we skip this part and go straight for the 'trying to beat each other to death' scenario?"

"You think I want to break you?" Kolya looked surprised.

"Don't you?" John was sure of it. Why else would he be doing this?

Kolya smiled then nodded. "I understand what you're thinking, major, but you're wrong."

John did not believe him. "Bullshit." He doubted Kolya knew the slang but it was simplistic enough that he was sure he would get his point across.

"I am not a foolish man, major," Kolya replied. "Nor a narrow-minded one. Sexual pleasure is not limited to specific gender pairings. I indulge myself as I please. And I am a man who is drawn to power and beauty. Both of which you possess." As he spoke, Kolya closed the distance between them. "I will deny myself from taking what I want. But the victory will be sweeter if you give yourself to me."

"You have a better chance of seeing whatever god you believe in than that every happening!" John shot back.

Kolya frowned and was silent as he seemed to contemplate Sheppard's words. Then he moved to sit on the end of the bed and folded his arms across his chest. "I can be a patient man, major. But I will have you one way or another. Still...I suppose I can indulge your fear."

John stiffened at that. "My what? My fear? You think I'm afraid of you?" The thought pissed John off and he had stalked over to stand before Kolya before he realized it. But it hit home when he felt his sheet slipping from his loose grasp. He made to step back but steel fingers gripped his wrist. John glared at Kolya. "Let go of me!" The words were whispered but lined with steel.

"Actions speak louder than words, major," Kolya drawled. "Prove to me that you are not afraid."

"I get the pants?" John spoke before thinking, only to realize that he was reacting on instinct. He had known from the beginning how this would play out. If he did this he would show Kolya that he could not be broken.

Kolya nodded. "You get the pants." He tugged on the sheet again.

John let go of it and felt it slide away from his body. He wanted to close his eyes but kept them locked on Kolya's face as he felt himself revealed to the other man.

"You are beautiful, major."

"Flattery won't get you anywhere," John gritted out. He felt a flutter of panic as large hands slid over his hips before curving over his ass.

Kolya pulled Sheppard too him then pressed his lips to his stomach.

John's muscles clenched as he felt a warm tongue glide over his abdomen. But he could deal with it. "Done yet?" He figured he could hope.

"I haven't even begun." Kolya pushed Sheppard back, but only so that he could stand up. "Lie down on the bed," he ordered.

"Why?" John wasn't expecting this.

Kolya locked eyes with him. "How badly do you want the pants?"

John's reply was to lie down on the bed. But his muscles tensed up and he was ready to launce himself off it when Kolya was suddenly over him. It was weird enough to be naked in front of the guy, but John felt all the more exposed and vulnerable when he felt Kolya's clothing brush over his bare skin.

"Close your eyes," Kolya ordered, and he did not move until Sheppard obeyed.

"Can we hurry this up, I'm hungry." John hoped his voice didn't sound as weak to Kolya as it did to his own ears. But not seeing what Kolya was doing made the whole thing worse. John swallowed a gasp when teeth bit down on one of his nipples, but before he could react or curse, a tongue plunged into his mouth. Instinct made John try to twist away, but he went still when fingers curled around his cock. He wasn't prepared for this. He couldn't do this.

Kolya broke the kiss. "I can feel your fear," he whispered against Sheppard's mouth.

John knew he was being baited but he almost welcomed it. The anger that surged up at Kolya's words gave him the focus he needed. There was nothing the other man could do to him that John could not withstand. He would prove that to them both and then he would kill Kolya with his bare hands. "What you feel is disgust," John purred.

"We shall see," Kolya replied, then he shifted down Sheppard's body.

John was not prepared for the warm wetness that enclosed his cock and he cursed at the appendage when it twitched. But, thankfully, that was all it did.

Kolya gave up after a moment. "Open your legs for me."

"Why?" John opened his eyes instead.

"Pants." That was all Kolya said.

John saw the amusement that glittered in Kolya's eyes. But it was overshadowed by lust and that shook John a bit. Still, he opened his legs. He had something to prove and he wanted the damn pants. If he was going to kick Kolya's ass later, he was not going to do it naked.

Kolya nodded his approval. "Good boy." He then stuck a finger in his mouth and sucked on it. Popped it out then ordered," Close your eyes."

John obeyed. He wanted this over with. He had an idea of what was coming, but it didn't prepare him for the reality of the finger that pressed into his body. It was invasive and painful and John felt his hips hitch in reaction. Then thick fingers gripped one thigh to keep him still. John bit his lip as the finger went deeper, probing him. It still burned but he could deal with the pain. Pain was good. John bit his lip hard enough to bring tears to his eyes so that he could focus on that instead of what Kolya was doing to him. But when another finger slid inside and then one brushed over a sensitive spot, John could not hold back a gasp. A shock wave of pleasure shook him. But it wasn't a good thing. John's eyes flew open and he glared at Kolya. "Enough! You proved your point." John could concede defeat if it meant getting what he wanted. He could lose the battle because in the end he would win the war.

"I will be buried inside you soon, major," Kolya replied. But he slid his fingers out and eased off the bed.

"In your dreams!" John shot back, as he reached for the sheet and drew it over him. "Do I get the pants or not?"

Kolya moved to the shelving unit and retrieved them. He tossed them onto the bed then stood there. Waiting.

John no longer cared if Kolya watched him. He tossed aside the sheet as he reached for the pants. He slid his legs over the side of the bed and remained sitting as he stuff his legs into the pants. Then he stood up and yanked them up to his waist. But John didn't just stand there. He was standing in front of Kolya a heartbeat later, offering a smug grin just before launching a right cross that connected with Kolya's jaw and rocked him off his feet.

Kolya stumbled back.

John felt a brief moment of satisfaction, but it didn't override the disgust he felt towards himself as much as Kolya. Between that feeling and the sting in his hand, John was distracted to the point that he didn't see Kolya coming at him until it was too late. Then a fist slammed into his temple and John saw stars dance before his eyes. Then they faded to black.

Part 4

Teyla had no success with the Jeman. She told Dr. Weir that she believed the brother's when they told her they did not know Major Sheppard's whereabouts. Elizabeth believed her. Rodney did not.

And he told her as much as he paced in front of her desk. "We have to go back there and make them talk!"

"There's no point in going back, Rodney," Elizabeth stated and her tone was firm.

"So we just walk away?" Rodney could not believe what he was hearing. He stalked over to her and slammed his hands down on the desk top. "If Kolya had taken you away and John was here making the decisions...we'd be going after you. No one gets left behind, Elizabeth! Or did you forget that?"

She sighed and rubbed her temples. "I didn't forget, Rodney. I want him back too." Elizabeth leaned back in her chair, locked her eyes on Rodney's face then asked, "So how long have you been in love with him?"

Rodney rocked back as if hit with a blow. His throat constricted and his lungs felt like they had collapsed. He couldn't breathe for a moment and was starting to panic, when he realized this wasn't important. It didn't matter that she knew. Rodney held her gaze. "I don't know exactly when." Rodney sucked in a slow breath then let it ease out of him before leaning in to Elizabeth. "He doesn't know how I feel and he never will. Understand?"

"Why not?" Elizabeth looked surprise. "My impression of Major Sheppard is that he is very open-minded, Rodney."

"Yes..and he is also very - very - straight." Rodney sucked in another breath and released it slowly. "Besides which, the major has enough shit going on. He doesn't need me to complicate his life any further. But can we not go there now? Please? We have to focus on what's important, Elizabeth. We have to find John and bring him back."

Elizabeth winced then she sighed and offered a soft smile. "Rodney...this is John Sheppard we're talking about. He will find his way home. I really believe that, and you should too."

Rodney wanted to believe that but he couldn't. John was out there on his own and they weren't going to do anything to find him. Rodney found that unacceptable. But he said nothing as he turned around and walked away. Blinking back tears.

***

John was jerked out of warm velvet darkness by sensation. He couldn't breathe and it took a moment for him to figure out why. A tongue was being shoved in his mouth even as a hand slid inside his pants to grope him. John forced his eyes open and regretted it. He felt dizzy and pain stabbed through his temples, but he was also pissed. And that gave him the focus he needed. He reacted on instinct and bit down hard.

Kolya hissed and pain and pulled back, one hand pressed to his mouth.

John didn't hesitate. He sat up and slugged Kolya, knocking the man onto his back. Then John was on his feet and he loomed over Kolya for a moment, just before lifting one leg and slamming his heel into Kolya's groin. The howl of pain that filled the room was music to John's ears. But he didn't stick around to listen. This was his chance to go home. So he knelt down to backhand Kolya across the temple and the man fell silent and still. John jumped up and ran for the door. He pretty much jumped down the stairs, both sets, and made a beeline for the front door. Then he outside and running for the gate.

Luckily it was still daylight. For all John knew it was always daylight. Not that he cared. He would be back on Atlantis soon and that thought gave him the adrenaline rush he needed to practically fly across the sand. A stitch formed in his side but he didn't care. He was so close. Then he was skidding to a halt, only to turn in circles as he gazed about in disbelief. The gate was gone.

"NO!" The cry was ripped from John and he followed it with a string of curses. "Sonofabitch! It has to be here! I know it was here! Bastard!" John circled the area time and again but there was no sign of the gate. He checked for markings and knew he had remembered correctly. This was the place but the gate was gone. John was so freaked about that fact that he was oblivious to Kolya's shadowy form sneaking up behind him, until a heavy arm snagged him around the waist, drawing him back against Kolya's solid bulk." John struggled against him but Kolya had trapped one arm to his side and he now gripped John's other wrist with his free hand. "Let go of me!"

"You've been a bad boy, major," Kolya purred in his ear. "And you will be punished appropriately."

John knew what that meant. He could feel Kolya's hardness pressing against his ass. "When donkey's fly!" He shot back, even as he dug in his heels and twisted his body in an attempt to break Kolya's grip. He got his wrist free and slammed an elbow back into Kolya's ribs, but he didn't have the leverage to put much force behind it. John heard Kolya grunt but the arm around his waist didn't budge. So John tried again only to find himself off balance as Kolya pushed him away. Before John could catch himself he was knocked face down and Kolya was on him. John felt his arms being pulled back and his wrists were bound. Then he was yanked to his feet. "I'm not going back!" John snarled. And he meant it. He'd lay down and play dead before that happened.

Kolya smiled. "You're going back, major." That said he bent his knees even as he pulled Sheppard toward's him.

"Fuck!" John could not resist being hauled over Kolya's shoulder. With his arms bound behind his back he was helpless. But he tried to struggle a bit, only to have a big hand smack down on his ass. Hard enough to bring tears to his eyes. So John went still. He would wait until he was back on his feet to fight again.

The walk to the dome did not take long, but it was uncomfortable for John. He felt worn out by the time they entered the shelter. He expected Kolya to put him down once they were inside but the Genii soldier carried John up to the bedroom. John was not happy to find himself tossed down on the bed. He tried to scuttle back but Kolya was on him, pinning him with his hands beneath him. "Get off me!" John knew he wasn't in control at the moment, but he couldn't just give in and he wanted Kolya to know that.

Kolya was smiling at him. "You must be uncomfortable, major," he drawled.

"Pretty much." John let a smirk twist his lips. "You weigh a ton. Ever hear of weight watchers?" Sure Kolya would have no clue as to what John was talking about, but it was fun messing with him. And John hoped it would keep the man distracted from other things.

"I will untie you in exchange for a kiss." Kolya's smile was still in place. He knew he was in control.

John had a smartass comeback but swallowed it. He needed a moment to weigh his options.

But Kolya was not a patient man. He pinched one of Sheppard's nipples then let his hand glide down his chest till it reached the top of the gauzy pants.

"Okay," John blurted out. "I'll kiss you." He choked on the words but he would do it. He didn't stand a chance against Kolya with his hands tied so it was worth having to kiss the bastard to get free. Then he would choke the life out of him. Slowly.

"Good choice, major." Kolya leaned in, one hand gripping Sheppard's chin to hold him still.

John didn't close his eyes as Kolya's mouth fused to his. He didn't even really make the attempt to kiss the guy. He just let Kolya do what he wanted. John simply bided his time and when the other man's tongue teased the corner of his mouth, John opened for him. He counted to ten in spanish to distract himself and had only just started again when Kolya broke the kiss. John was surprised. "That's it?"

Kolya said nothing. He simply pulled JOhn up and turned him so that he could untie him.

"Thanks." John was glad to be free and rubbed the circulation back into his wrists. At least he made a show of doing that as he scooted back a bit. When he was at the right angle he drew back his right arm and slugged Kolya in the nose. John felt the cartilege mush beneath his knuckles and he waited for Kolya's howl of pain. It didn't come. Instead he got a slug back and saw stars again. By the time they had faded and the lights came back on, so to speak, John found himself cuffed to the bed. He felt a flare up of panic but forced it down. He had to remain calm. John saw Kolya sitting at the end of the bed, watching him. He had a towel pressed to his nose. John smiled and felt a surge of satisfaction. "Don't worry, it might improve your looks," he taunted.

"You cannot win this battle between us, major." As Kolya spoke he tossed the towel aside and stood up.

John watched him approach, resisting the urge to try and fade back into the headboard. He could not escape so he would face Kolya head on. "Winning is everything, Kolya. And I don't like to lose."

Kolya smiled as he sat down next to Sheppard. "I will break you." That said he curled his fingers in the major's hair and held him as he leaned in and kissed him.

The moment Kolya's tongue pushed into his mouth, John bit him. And that little trick earned him a slap. When Kolya tried again, John bit him again. And he got another slap. John winced and worked his jaw. He was going to have a lovely, hand-shaped, bruise on his cheek. "Is that the best you've got?" John's eyes were flashing with defiance as he challenged the other man to do his worst. He would win this battle by sheer force of will if neccessary. Whatever it took, John would do. He had too.

"I have already won, major." Kolya stood up and spit into the corner. When he turned back to the bed his eyes glittered like chips of black ice.

"Never happen," John shot back. But he choked on his next insult when Kolya gripped a handful of John's pants and yanked hard. The gauzy material ripped about and John didn't even have time to react before he was stripped of them. He pulled on his bindings as he tried to sit up. Tried to get away. Panic flared up in waves as John watched Kolya free his own cock. He wasn't ready for this. It wasn't supposed to go this far. John groped for a means to neutralize his fear and he settled on what was familiar. Sarcasm. "Gee...big guy like you..I was expecting something more...impressive." As he spoke, John found it impossible to look away from Kolya's cock as it moved closer. John only wished it was as small as he was taunting Kolya about.

Kolya was not affected by the insults. He had a single-minded purpose. He crawled over Sheppard's body, shifting until his cock was lined up with the major's, then he began thrusting and grinding. Humping himself against Sheppard.

John bit his lip to feel Kolya's hardness against him. To feel the hot, throbbing, flesh rubbing against his own cock. John felt nothing but revulsion as Kolya rocked over him. He closed his eyes and tried to tune out Kolya's grunts. Then John felt it. Warm wetness flowing over his cock and thigh. His soft cock, for John had remained soft. His body feeling digust instead of desire. Then there was a sense of relief as Kolya's heavy weight moved off him. But the relief was short-lived.

"So beautiful like this," Kolya whispered as his eyes roamed over Sheppard's naked form. Leisurely he tucked himself back into his pants and zipped them. Then he reached out and let a finger stroke through his own release.

"I need a shower." John would not let Kolya see what he was feeling. He kept the revulsion and shame and disgust that he felt off his face.

Kolya shook his head. "I'm not done yet." He slicked his finger with his seed then moved it between Sheppard's legs.

Too late John tried to close them. He bit his lip against a gasp as Kolya's finger pushed inside him. He didn't move as the probing finger pressed deeper. He didn't flinch as it brushed over his gland. Then it was gone and John swallowed his sigh of relief. But his body was trembling from the little aftershocks of pleasure. Kolya had a talented finger and John's body had reacted to it. Shame flushed John's cheeks but he was able to lock eyes with Kolya, his own burning with hatred.

Kolya leaned in and kissed Sheppard before sliding off the bed. He went into the bathroom then returned with two towels. He used the wet one to wash his seed from the major's body.

John looked at the far wall as Kolya washed him. The intimate act was as humiliating as the finger inside him. Kolya made it a point to stroke John's cock as he washed it. To gently squeeze his balls before wiping them. But he didn't wash inside him and John knew why.

Kolya confirmed it as he leaned in to whisper. "I have marked you, major. My seed is inside you. You are mine now."

"No." John didn't shout the denial, he said it softly but it was laced with steel conviction.

"I will break you." Kolya whispered the words against Sheppard's lips.

John pulled back and smirked. "No," he repeated.

Kolya did not believe him. "I will break you, Major." He rose from the bed and collected the towels. But he stroked John for a moment with his free hand, before letting a finger slide behind his balls to stroke his opening. To remind Sheppard of what he had done.

Hatred glowed in John's eyes and his body trembled from it, as much as from the shame he was feeling. He felt vulnerable and violated but he didn't let any of it show on his face. He was a soldier and this was a war and he was going to win. So he said nothing. He simple held Kolya's gaze until the other man looked away first. A tiny victory but John accepted it.

"Sweet dreams," Kolya whispered, a chuckle underscoring his words. Then he pulled the blanket over Sheppard, but left him bound.

John didn't care. He felt exhausted. He watched Kolya leave the room, flicking off the lights as he went. John welcomed the darkness. He let it wrap around him as he closed his eyes against the burn of tears and prayed for sleep to claim him.

Part 5

John rolled over and a groan escaped him. He felt sore and lethargic and exhausted. As if he hadn't slept at all. He scratched his fingers through his hair then scrubbed at his eyes, and it was then that it hit him. He wasn't cuffed to the head board. At first he felt relieved, but then the reality of what that meant hit him. Kolya had freed him and John hadn't even realized he was there. He closed his eyes and shuddered to think what Kolya might have done to him. But then a part of John's mind screamed at him that he would have known had anything happened. He would have felt it and he would have stopped it.

"Bastard!" John snarled the word as he rose from the bed, dragging the sheet with him. He wasn't the least bit surprised that a search of the room confirmed that Kolya had left him without clothing again. Heading for the shower, John tried not to think about what he would be asked to do to obtain pants again. Instead he focused on Atlantis as he scrubbed his body clean. He thought about his friends and he prayed that they were safe from the Wraith and whatever other various dangers might cause them harm. John wanted to be back there. He needed to be there to protect them as best he could. But even these thoughts could not distract him from the memory of what Kolya had done. Of the way he had marked him. John could not wash away the feel of Kolya's finger inside him, marking him with his seed.

Body shuddering at the memory, John pressed his hands against the walls and tried to focus. He could not let Kolya break him. He could not show his fear to the other man. He had to be strong and remain in control. "I will kill him!" John hissed out loud. And he latched onto that thought and drew a strange sort of comfort from it. It gave him something to strive for. And once John put his mind to something, he let nothing stand in his way of achieving his goal. And the goal was to win this war.

Stepping out of the shower, John found a towel and dried off. He then wrapped it around his waist and returned to the bedroom. He was not the least bit surprised to find Kolya there, waiting for him. John felt the other man's eyes brush over him and he withstood the perusal, letting a smirk curve his lips. "LIke what you see?" John taunted.

"Very much so," Kolya replied. "And I shall you, major. All of you this time. Body and soul."

"Not in this lifetime," John shot back. "And for the record, you're lifetime is ticking away fast. Because I am going to kill you, Kolya. That's a promise." And it was a promise John fully intended to keep.

Kolya studied Sheppard for a moment, then he smiled. "Would you like to go outside after we eat? It's beautiful out and you could use some fresh air. Feel free to explore at will"

John snorted. "Anything to get away from you," he allowed. "But I'd prefer not to have to do it naked." He felt himself flush at the last bit, all the more so when Kolya's eyes darkened with lust. And John recognized lust when he saw it. He had to resist the urge to shudder in reaction.

"For a kiss you can have this?" Kolya countered, as he held up a sleeveless shirt and a pair of loose pants.

"Just a kiss?" John shot back, suspicion coloring his tone. He didn't trust Kolya to be fair with him in any way.

Kolya nodded. "Just a kiss. For now." He set the clothes behind him on the bed then simply stood there.

John knew Kolya was waiting for him to initiate the kiss. So be it. He could do this. So he crossed the distance between them and didn't stop the flow of action. He wouldn't go through with it if he did and he knew it. Squaring his shoulders, John gripped Kolya's face in his hands and kissed him. It wasn't a sexy kiss or a child-like one. John was in control of this and he let the disgust he was feeling reflect in the way he slanted his mouth across Kolya's. And when the other man's tongue snaked out, John pulled back. The tempation to bite was too strong. "There...I kissed you." John then locked eyes with Kolya and, deliberately, wiped his mouth with the back of one hand.

"Get dressed." Kolya moved towards the door and headed out. "Come eat when you're ready," he called over his shoulder. Then he was gone.

"Bastard!" John felt drained again and swayed a bit as he turned to the bed. He dropped the towel and stepped into the pants. Then he pulled the shirt over his head. He felt his knees buckle a bit and caught himself with a hand on the bed. Heaving a sigh, John closed his eyes for a moment . But the image of Kolya's face burned in his mind. A face with eyes glowing with lust. John shook his head as his eyes flew open. But the image remained. "Bastard.." he repeated, but without intensity. He felt burned out and told himself he was just tired and that he needed food. Which was a partial truth. He did need to eat. And he would force himself to do so, even though his stomach felt twisted into knots.

John pushed away from the bed and headed for the door. He gained determination with each step and had a smirk firmly planted on his lips by the time he reached the bottom level. Kolya had a plate prepared for him and John ate what tasted like papaya, along with something which looked like a fat biscuit but had a sweet flavor to it. Almost like honey. He knew he didn't eat enough but he choked down what he could, then he asked to go outside.

Kolya nodded. "Roam about as you please, major. I'll be out shortly." With that he disappeared to the second level.

"Don't hurry on my account," John muttered beneath his breath. He didn't waste any time but headed for the door and he felt his body relax as he stepped out into warm sunshine. A smile played on his lips as John headed for the water. He walked in the surf for a bit, wishing for a surfboard, then he set out to explore his surroundings. He needed to find the gate and maybe some form of a weapon Anything that he could use to kill Kolya, although John hadn't yet ruled out his bare hands. Beating Kolya to death would actually give him intense satisfaction. But John was a realist and he knew that Kolya was bigger and stronger at the moment. So he continued on the hunt. But a few hours passed with nothing to show for it other than the fact John realized that he was on an Island and that he was surrounded by water, much like Atlantis. Water as far as the eye could see.

Eventually John ended up back where he had started, near the dome. He shucked his shirt and dove into the surf, swimming for a while until a comfortable lethargy settled over him. He then stretched out under the sun. Without intending too, John fell asleep. But he came awake with a start when heavy hands started groping him. John didn't hesitate. As hard as he could, given his awkward position, he slugged Kolya. It was enough to send the other man off-balanced so that John could scramble to his feet. He slugged Kolya again and got slugged in return. John was smiling as he rubbed his chin. This was something he could handle. Something he welcomed between them.

But seeing Kolya out here reminded John of something. And before he killed the other man, he had a question to ask him. "Where is the gate?"

"It's there if you know where to look," Kolya replied. He was pinching his nose which was still swollen from before.

"I'll beat it out of you," John challenged. "If you make me." And he so wanted Kolya to do just that.

Kolya chuckled, but it was a cold sound that echoed between them. "You cannot defeat me, major. You know that."

John shook his head. "I know nothing of the sort." He darted forward and landed another punch. Swung another and was blocked. And so it went for a bit. John throwing punches and Kolya blocking. All too soon John wanted to scream in frustration. "Hit me you bastard!" he screamed at Kolya. And he did so knowing that he would be beaten. John had been worn out to start with and the rage he felt had depleted what strength he'd had. He felt light-headed and weak in the knees but he was ready for the pain. It was better to be damaged by Kolya than used by him. So John quirked a smile and egged him on. "What's the matter? Do you hit like a girl?" he taunted.

"I do believe you are your own worst enemy, major," Kolya drawled. He took a step closer and his eyes were dark with desire.

"Fuck....you." John recognized the look and it should have scared him, but he was not ready to give up. He bent down and scooped up a handful of sand. Without hesitation he hurled it in Kolya's face. When the other man howled and clawed at his eyes, John swung another punch only to stumble and fall to his knees. He was so damn tired. But he would not quit. He closed his eyes for a moment then lurched to his feet. He kicked Kolya in the back of the knees so the man stumbled over. John then pushed him down and straddled him, his hands closing around Kolya's throat. But he couldn't kill him yet. "Where is the fucking gate?"

Kolya said nothing. He merely stared back at Sheppard, his eyes watering from scrubbing out the sand.

John wanted to howl in frustration. He felt himself sway again then suffered a moment of Vertigo only to realize that he was lying on his back with Kolya over him. That struck John as funny for some reason and he began to laugh. He saw the surprised look on Kolya's face and John stopped laughing. He shoved up hard and Kolya fell back. John was on his feet and running for the water. Fuck this! He would swim back to Atlantis. And in this moment it didn't occur to him that he couldn't do it. That he couldn't reach Atlantis from here. Not without the gate. So John dove into the water but even as he came up for air he felt strong hands on him, hauling him back. John lashed out but a fist clocked him in the chin and he went limp. He needed to rest. Just for a minute.

But the minute must have blurred into a few and when John came back to awareness it was to find himself back where he had started. Naked and cuffed to the bed. He blinked to bring everything into full focus and caught his breath to see Kolya beside him. Naked and stroking his erection. John felt his stomach twist into knots and he pulled at his bindings. He knew he had pushed too far, that the game was over. Kolya's eyes glittered with lust and anger and Sheppard had to fight the urge to flinch back as he moved onto the bed. He bit his lip to stop himself from begging when Kolya's heavy weight settled over him. John felt suffocated as Kolya straddled his chest and suddenly he understood what the man was going to do.

John opened his mouth to taunt Kolya but it was a mistake. Thick fingers gripped his chin hard then John felt fleshy hardness shoved between his teeth and he gagged as the tip of Kolya's cock hit the back of his throat. But the man was relentess and John was trapped. He couldn't move his head. Couldn't breathe. His jaw ached as Kolya's cock thrust in and out like a piston. John wanted to scream at him but the only sound he could make was a cross between a cough and a gag and he heard the rasp of his breath as he fought to pull in air between thrusts. And then his mouth was filled with a thick wetness that ran down the back of his throat and John couldn't breath at all. Couldn't do anything but choke. Then the cock was pulling out and John spattered cum over Kolya's chest as he gagged and coughed at fought the urge to retch. John's lungs burned in his chest and tears leaked from his eyes as he fought to breath normally. And once he could breath again he realized Kolya was watching him.

Shame and humiliation washed over John in waves. He wanted to curl into himself. He wanted to die. He wanted to retch and beg and anything that would make this stop. But then John saw the twitch of Kolya's lips and the look in his eyes. The smug satisfaction that he had won. And that ignited a white-hot blaze of rage inside of John and he locked eyes with Kolya and whispered, "Go to hell!" John almost winced at how raw his voice sounded, and his throat ached, and the taste of Kolya was gagging John and he could feel the slickness of him on his lips. But John didn't look away from Kolya's eyes. He didn't flinch when fingers curled around his soft shaft. He just glared at Kolya and held in the shuddery breath of relief when Kolya finally looked away. He didn't even blink as Kolya freed his wrists. John managed a wobbly smirk as he watched Kolya dress. "You won't break me," he whispered fiercely. "I won't let you."

"We'll see." Kolya finished dressing then walked out.

John almost choked on a whimper but he swallowed it back as he slid off the bed and stumbled into the bathroom. He barely made it to his knees before he puked into what served as the toilet. He retched until he brought up bile, then he sagged onto the floor for a moment. He needed to be clean again, so John made his body obey his commands. He got up and made it into the shower . He turned on the water and let it flow into his mouth to rinse away the taste of Kolya. Then he washed himself over and over again. And John focused his thoughts on Atlantis. Remembering the way she looked. Remembering how he felt when he had first set foot on her, stepping through the gate and into the unknown only to find himself in the first place that had ever really felt like home to him. And he would find his way back. He would win this war. He would kill Kolya then return home. And the word echoed in John's head like a mantra.

By the time he stepped out of the shower, John had found away to ground himself. Long ago he had learned to detach himself from fear whenever he had to fly into enemy territory. Fear could paralyze a man. Fear of the unknown . Fear of death. But John was not afraid of dying. And now he was no longer afraid of what was to come. Kolya could do his worst. It didn't matter any more. John had one purpose and nothing and no one would stand in his way. He was going home.

Part 6

After his shower, John returned to the bedroom and was surprised to find clothes laid out for him. A sleeveless shirt and loose pants again. He dressed quickly and headed down the stairs. Kolya was waiting for him. John moved to face him, letting the other man see that he was no longer afraid. "Can I go out?"

"If you wish." Kolya had a drink in hand and he downed the contents in one gulp. "I want you back here in two hours. Don't make me come and get you, major. You won't like what will happen."

"Whatever you say, big guy," John taunted, then he was out the door. He returned to the place where the gate was supposed to be and continued searching for it. But he found nothing. At one point he fell to his knees, fists pounding the ground in frustration, only to hiss as he hit something hard. John glared at the spot then he gasped and began to dig. A moment later he held a knife blade in one hand. A broken blade, minus the handle. But he had an idea.

Rising to his feet, John searched the ground for a short, but thick, branch. Eventually he found exactly what he was looking for and he used it to fashion a handle for the blade, tying it off with strips of cloth from his pant legs. To hide what he had done, John rolled the pants to just below his knees. Then he took a moment to study his weapon. It was crude but it would get the job done.

But even as he admired his handywork, John realized he was running out of time. That he might already be late. So he headed back towards the dome, but stopped before he reached it to hide the knife. Then he ran back but slowed his pace before he entered. John let a smirk twist his lips as he strolled through the door. He could tell by the look on Kolya's face that he was late. But, surprisingly, the other man said nothing. "Got anything to eat?" John asked. "He wasn't hungry but he knew he needed to keep his strength up. He knew the final battle with Kolya would soon be upon him, and John intended to be ready for it.

"Come to the table," Kolya ordered, leading the way. He then filled two plates with a substance that almost resembled pasta, but with a grayish colored sauce.

"Looks...interesting," John said, as he leaned down to sniff it. Then he dipped a finger in the sauce and tasted it. He was surprised by how flavorful it was. "Not bad." That said he sat down and began to eat. He managed to swallow down half of the portion before conceding defeat. John took note of the fact that Kolya had cleaned his own plate. They had eaten in silence but not John wanted to talk. He leaned back in his chair, shifting sideways so he could drape one arm over the back. Then he asked, "So...how is this supposed to end, anyway? You know I want to kill you. Are you going to kill me?"

Kolya shook his head. "I don't want you dead, major. You are of no use to me dead." Kolya smiled and leaned in towards Sheppard. "I'm going to break you, major. Then I will mold you to suit my needs before taking you home with me."

John snorted. "As what? Your whore?" He snarled the accusation. But the truth of what he was saying shook him a bit. For that was what he felt like. A whore.

"I don't know the word but I believe I understand the translation," Kolya countered. "You will be my companion in all things, major. And you should be honored. Of course you will have to learn your place first."

"Not going to happen!" John hissed, even as he reached for his plate and hurled it at Kolya. It hit the other man dead to rights with a thud, and John was smiling as Kolya howled in pain. His nose was never going to be the same. But he put that thought on hold as he grabbed his fork and lunged forward, jamming the tines into Kolya's forearm. It sort of got stuck and John was distracted by his attempt to pull it out. Enough so that he didn't see Kolya's fist until it connected with his temple. John went stumbling backwards and fell, hitting his head on the corner of the table. He saw stars. Then he felt himself being lifted and he struggled but he must have blacked out. When he came back to awareness, he realized he was bound to the headboard again. He didn't remember the trip back to the bedroom and he tugged against his bindings.

Kolya's eyes blazed with pain and anger as he curled his fingers in Sheppard's clothes and ripped them off him. "You will learn your place, major!" he snarled.

John felt a flutter of panic but it was washed away by fear. He swallowed down the plea that lodged in his throat. He would not give Kolya the satisfaction of begging. But the temptation was great when his legs were forced open and a thick finger pressed inside him. Another followed and John bit his lip against the pain as he was stretched. Then the fingers slid out of him and John didn't have time to breathe before Kolya was over him. "I won't break!" John whispered, as he felt Kolya's hardness press against him. But that was all he could say because Kolya's cock was pushing inside him, pushing past the resistance that John offered, and he nearly bit through his lip in an effort to hold back a cry of pain as the thick cock forced itself inside him.

It burned as he was stretched open. Kolya was thick and hard and relentless and John felt a tearing sensation that was just another layer of pain. He closed his eyes as he felt Kolya lift his legs over his shoulders and then the hardness inside him was sliding out but there was no relief because Kolya thrust back in hard and deep and John gagged on a whimper. It was the last sound John made. He could feel Kolya watching him, willing him to break and John refused to do that. So he dredged up an old technique that a phychologist he had once dated had taught him. He could detach himself from what was happening by concentrating on stepping outside of his reality into a perceived reality. It was hard to focus as his body was rocked, but the pain began to ease and John realized that his own blood was slicking his channel, easing Kolya into him. So John opened his eyes and there was no fear reflected in them for Kolya to see.

"I will break you!" Kolya bellowed as he gripped Sheppard's hips with steel fingers and plunged into the slim body.

"You can't," John whispered, even as he was rocked by the brutal thrusts. But now it was as if he were watching it happen to someone else. He could feel the thickness of the cock inside him but it no longer caused him pain. And the shame he had felt melted away. Kolya could no longer touch him.

Grunting and sweating, Kolya leaned in to kiss Sheppard, plunging his tongue into the major's mouth and mimicking fucking him, matching the rythmn of his cock thrusting into Sheppard's slim body. He howled his release, letting it be muffled in Sheppar'd mouth as he jettisoned his seed. Then he pulled out hard.

John bit back a moan as Kolya slid out of him. He could feel warm wetness dripping down his thigh as his legs were lowered from the other man's shoulders. John knew that Kolya expected him to beg now, but he would not beg. Instead he locked eyes with Kolya and smiled. That earned him a slap but the pain allowed John to remain focused.

"I will break you," Kolya promised as he slid off the bed and tucked himself back inside his pants.

"Only in your dreams," John replied. He watched Kolya loom over him and resisted the urge to flinch. But the man did nothing more than untie him. John eased his arms down and rubbed his wrists, waiting to for whatever would happen next. But Kolya simply turned and left the room.

John closed his eyes but quickly opened them when he realized he was shaking. Mentally and visually he did a physical assessment of the damage Kolya had done to him. John knew he was torn and he could see the blood that was mixed with Kolya's seed staining his thighs. He sat up and slid off the bed, biting back a moan of pain. He hadn't let Kolya break him and he wouldn't let this change that. Ignoring the drip of cum sliding down his thighs, John headed for the bathroom. He stepped into the shower but before turning on the water he touched the stains on his skin, drawing a finger through the blood and come and it felt surreal to John.

For a long moment he just stared at his hand, eyes locked on the evidence of what Kolya had done to him. John felt his detachment melting away and he waited for pain and fear to hit him. But it was anger that welled up in John and he embraced it. He smiled, feeling the coldness of it as he turned on the water. He washed himself clean then stepped out and dried off, wrapping the towel around his waist because he knew the clothes he had been wearing were shredded. Then John slipped out of the room and went in search of Kolya. But the house was empty. John slipped out the door and glided through the darkness. It didn't take long for him to retrieve his knife and then he headed back and he was pleased to find Kolya waiting for him.

"Where were you?" Kolya asked, but he seemed unconcerned.

"It's a beautiful night," John drawled, as he moved closer. He had the knife cluthed in his hand behind his back. "A good night to die," he whispered.

Kolya chuckled. "I won't let you die, major."

John let a cold smile curve his lips as he moved another step closer. "I wasn't talking about me," he breathed. Then he lunged without warning and he felt the blade slide smoothly into Kolya's flesh.

Part 7

John felt Kolya's surprise as the knife slid into the other man's thigh. Not where Kolya was expecting him to strike. John didn't want to lose the element of surprise. So when Kolya's knees buckled and he hit the floor, John yanked out the blade and struck again, this time in his shoulder. He then pushed Kolya onto his back and straddled him, uncaring that the towel fell open and slid off him. All John was focused on was Kolya's face and the blade he had pressed to the man's throat. John didn't recognize the sound of his own voice as he snarled, "Where's the gate?"

Kolya said nothing, but his face was twisted in agony.

"Tell me how to find the gate and I won't kill you," John drawled, even as he applied pressure with the blade.

"You can't..kill me," Kolya gritted out through clenched teeth.

John smiled but it was nothing more than a cold twist of his lips. "You would be surprised by what I can do," he purred. Then he slid the blade across Kolya's throat, not deep enough to kill him but more than deep enough to draw blood.

Kolya tensed then gagged a bit. Then he locked eyes with Sheppard. "The gate is protected...by a shield. There's a panel...carved into a tree. The one with the broken branch. You need a code."

"What is it?" John made another red line across Kolya's throat as he spoke, but eased up when the other man gave him the code. "Do I have to go back to Jeman or can I gate directly to Atlantis?" John felt his rage easing a bit now that he knew he was so close to going home.

"You can gate directly to Atlantis," Kolya replied.

John was pleased. He patted Kolya on the cheek. "Oh..one more thing. Where's my gear?"

Kolya coughed and made a strangled sound, then he answered. "In the trunk...in the cupboard near the table."

"Thank you." John had seen the trunk but had never thought to look in it. He cursed himself for a moment then realized it didn't matter. He was going home. So John smiled at Kolya. "I guess this is goodbye."

"I won't let you go, major," Kolya whispered.

John laughed then leaned in so that Kolya could see him clearly. "Dead men can't do shit," he drawled, then he pulled back and calmly slit Kolya's throat. John felt the spray of warm blood that spattered his chest but it meant nothing to him. He rose from Kolya's body, reaching for his towel but using it only to wipe away the blood. Then John went to the trunk and retrieved his gear. He took it upstairs and stepped into the shower. He washed Kolya's blood from his skin and for a moment his hand shook. But he still it and finished up, stepping out and drying off before dressing in familiar clothes. Once he was fully geared up, John headed back downstairs, stepping over Kolya's dead body on his way to the door.

Once outside, John ran to where the gate should be. He found the tree and the panel and punched in the code. The shield shimmered then vanished, revealing the gate. John felt his knees buckle at the sight of it. But he made his way over and punched in the address for Atlantis. Once it was activated, John tapped his earpiece.

***

Grodin was at his console when the gate came online. "Other world gate activation!" he shouted.

Weir and Rodney had been in her office but they came running out.

"Do you have an IDC?" Weir asked.

"Yes." Grodin looked stunned. "It's Major Sheppard's."

Rodney gasped. "What? Are you sure?" He moved to Grodin's side to check it then looked at Weir. "He's right. It's Major Sheppard."

Just then a familiar voice transmitted to them. "It's Major Sheppard. Lower the shield. I want to come home."

"Lower the shield." Weir didn't hesitate. But she had to clear her throat before she could ask, "Major...are you okay?"

"Yes."

Rodney noticed Sheppard had hesitated before replying. "Kolya?" he asked.

Another pause. "Dead."

"Come home, major," Weir instructed. She and Rodney moved as one to meet him.

Cheer filled the air as John stepped through the gate. He cringed from them for a moment, but then he found himself surrounded. Weir hugged him and it felt surreal to John. Surreal, but good. He let himself hug her back and then Rodney was in his face. John was happy to see him.

Rodney stared at Sheppard. "You've lost weight."

"It's good to see you too, Rodney," John replied.

"Yeah...glad you're back." Rodney wanted to say more but it was enough that John was back.

Teyla and Ford came running up. Grodin had contacted them. Teyla didn't hesitate, she went to Sheppard and greeted him in the way of her people.

John bent down do they could touch foreheads.

"It is good to see you back, major," Teyla said softly. "You are well?"

"I'm fine." John said it with conviction because he was fine. He was home now and Kolya was dead. That was all that mattered.

Ford was grinning from ear to ear as he shouldered past Teyla to hug his CO. "Glad to have you back, sir. I'm sorry we couldn't rescue you. We did what we could."

John patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay, Ford. I know you tried. I'm back and that's all that matters."

"Yeah." Ford studied him. "What happened, sir?"

"Long story." John forced a smile. "Tell you later." But he knew he wouldn't. Not the truth anyway. Between now and then he would figure out some lie.

Weir touched his arm. "You look tired and a bit battered." She brushed a fingertip over a bruise on Sheppard's cheek.

John flinched but plastered a smile on his face. "I'm fine. Just tired. I just need some sleep."

"I'll be the judge of that," Dr. Beckett interjected, as he and a med team with a gurney, pushed their way over to Sheppard. The doctor gave him the once over. "Come lie down, laddie and we'll whisk you off and take good care of you."

"I can walk." John said that to placate the man. He wasn't going anywhere near the infirmary. John looked at Elizabeth. "I should debrief first." He didn't know what he would tell her, but it would be better than having Beckett poking and prodding him.

She shook her head. "I want you to get checked out first and get some sleep. You look dead on your feet, John. The debrief can wait. You said Kolya was dead...and you're home. I don't care about anything else right now."

John felt desperation flaring through him. "Look. I just need something to eat and a few hours sleep. I'm fine." But even as he spoke his body betrayed him and he swayed on his feet. John felt strong hands catch him and then they were easing him onto the gurney.

"I'll come check on you in a bit," Weir promised.

"I just need some sleep," John insisted, as he struggled to sit up. But Beckett pressed him down and one of the medics started to pull the strap across his chest to keep him there. Panic washed over John but he forced it down as he waved one hand. "No...I'll stay put," he promised. He couldn't bare to be strapped down. To be helpless again.

Beckett nodded and his team headed off with the gurney.

When they reached the infirmary, John asked to be allowed to get up under his own power. Beckett allowed it and John moved to sit on the exam table. He knew he was trapped for the moment so he figured he would let the doctor do a cursory exam and then he could leave. So John allowed Beckett to do the standard check of his pulse and blood pressure and heart sounds. But then Beckett was pushing up his shirt sleeve and John pulled away. "What are you doing?"

"Checking out the damage." Carson gripped Sheppard's arm again and yanked up his sleeve. "You've got some nasty abrasions, major. What did he use to tie you up with? Rope?"

"Does it matter?" John yanked his arm free and made to stand up.

Carson blocked him. "Stay put or I'll strap you down," he warned.

John felt a tremor course through him at the threat. Beckett didn't understand what he was saying but John could not disolve the image of Kolya binding him to the bed and looming over him. He didn't feel himself sway in reaction until he realized he was lying down and that Carson must have pressed him down. What John did notice was the syringe in Beckett's hand. "What's that for?"

"B-12," Beckett replied. "You're obviously run down, major. This will help."

"No." John tried to wave him away but he felt sluggish. Then Beckett was pushing his sleeve up again." "No!" John shouted this time. He hadn't meant to shout. So he lowered his voice and hissed, "Don't touch me!" He made to sit up but a sharp pain stabbed in his temples and his vision greyed out for a moment. When it cleared John realized he was lying down again and he felt a sting in his arm and realized it was the shot. "Shit.." John mumbled. He rubbed his eyes and wished for oblivion, but then he felt his shirt being pushed up then fingertips were brushing over his skin. John knew it wasn't Kolya. He knew that Beckett was just trying to help him. But his mind and his body reacted differently and John was swinging a punch at Beckett. He felt the sting in his knuckles as he connected with flesh. He heard the howl of pain and felt a moment of regret. But getting out of here mattered more. John swung his legs over the side of the table and pushed off. Only to fall into darkness.

***

Rodney was glad John was back. But seeing him had been kind of scary. Rodney couldn't put his finger on it, but he knew something was wrong with Sheppard. The man had looked haunted and tense in a way that Rodney had never seen before. Something bad had happened. Rodney didn't even want to think about it, but it was all he could think about. And first chance he got, Rodney was going to find out what it was.

Part 8

John came awake with a start and hissed out a breath of pain as his body protested the movement. He lifted a hand to rub at his eyes and was surprised to find an IV attached to the back of it. John blinked to bring his surroundings into focus and realized he was in his room. And he was not alone. Dr. Beckett was sitting in the chair in the corner, a book propped in his lap. John saw him register that he was awake, rising from the chair to move to his bedside.

Carson smiled. "How do you feel?"

"Fine." The lie came all too easily. John studied Beckett's face and saw the black eye. He flexed his right hand and felt the tightness of skin. He remembered slugging the doctor. "Sorry about that," John apologized.

"You pack one hell of a punch, major," Carson stated as he touched the puffiness and winced. "But I understand."

John could see that he did and nodded his thanks. Then he asked, "Why am I here?"

Carson understood the question. "Would you prefer the infirmary?"

"No." John plucked at the IV and had the tape half peeled off when a hand batted his fingers away.

"Leave that alone." Carson's tone was stern. "You're a mess, laddie. Dehydrated, malnourished and you're running a low grade fever. You're a bit concussed as well, along with the other bruises. Kolya really did a number on you, didn't he?"

John flinched at the mention of Kolya's name and opened his mouth to retort, but snapped it shut as he looked into Beckett's eyes. The other man knew what Kolya had done. And there was only one way he could know. Fury blazed in John's eyes and he felt himself begin to shake. "You son of a bitch!" he snarled. The thought of Beckett examining him while he was unconscious rattled John. Unconsious he was weak and vulnerable. He never wanted to feel that way again. But those feelings had been reawakened with a vengeance. So he lashed out. "That shot wasn't B-12! You bastard!" It was an accusation that hit home.

Carson sighed but held fast in the face of Sheppard's fury. "No it wasn't. I'm sorry, major but I did what I felt I had to do. You set off warning bells and I thought it was best to sedate you before doing an exam. It was obvious, to me, that you had been through enough trauma."

"You had no right!" John made to get out of bed but a hand pressed against his chest, holding him fast. And that bothered him as well. That Beckett could pin him so easily. John batted his arm away. "Don't touch me! You've done enough! You had no right, Beckett! I'm fine!" John wasn't sure who he was trying to convince. The doctor or himself. And he realized that he was rambling somewhat. He was still shaking too, as much from anger as from the cold that emanated from deep inside him. John felt as if he would never be warm again.

"Like hell you are!" Carson shot back, his own eyes blazing. "You're anything but fine, major. That bastard hurt you! I had to do stitches -- "

"Shut up!" The words were underlined by a smouldering rage, but they came out soft as a whisper. John closed his eyes and tried to stop shaking. "Just...shut up!" He realized he was begging now and bit his lip to keep himself from begging again. It took a monumental effort on his clothes off for John to calm down, but he managed to still the trembling and face Beckett, clear-eyed. "I'm sorry. It's not your fault." John meant what he said and he hoped it came across that way. His voice sounded hollow to his own ears. Devoid of any emotion. Which was better anyway. He didn't want to feel anything.

Carson reached out as if to pat his shoulder, but stilled his hand and nodded instead. "It's allright, major. I undertand."

John wished he did. He swallowed a hysterical bubble of laughter and looked down at his hands. He was still picking at the IV tape. "Did you tell Weir?" John didn't want her to know. He didn't want anyone to know.

"No." Carson narrowed his gaze at Sheppard. "And I won't, for now. This falls under doctor- patient confidentiality. Unless I detrmine you unfit to continue your duties. Then I'll have to tell her."

"I can do my job!" John was angry again. His head jerked up and he could see the doubt shining in Beckett's eyes and that pissed him off to know end. "Nothing has changed!" When Beckett turned away from him, John felt a bit shattered. But the doctor only grabbed the chair from the corner and moved it to the side of the bed and sat down. John studied his face. Beckett's expression was neutral now. "That bastard did not break me," John whispered.

Carson nodded. "You killed him."

John smiled but it was a cold twisting of his lips and he knew it. The image of that moment replayed itself in his head. He closed his eyes as he remembered the way the blade had sliced through Kolya's throat, and how warm the blood had felt as it splattered on his skin. "Not soon enough." John spoke in barely a whisper.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Carson offered.

"No." John's eyes flew open. "There's nothing to talk about. Kolya is dead and I'm back in Atlantis. It's over. For good this time."

Carson clucked his tongue. "Laddie...it's not over for you. Not by a long shot...and you know it. I want you to talk to Heightmeyer."

John shook his head. He should have expected this. "No. No shrinks."

"I'll make it doctor's orders, major!" Carson's tone was tight.

"Fuck you!" John glared at Beckett only to realize he was directing his anger at the wrong person. And he knew that if he didn't get himself under control, Beckett would ground him. John couldn't let that happen. He schooled his features into a properly chastised expression and whispered,"I'm sorry."

Carson sighed. "Don't apologize. I know you're all messed up right now. That's to be expected. That's why I want you to get help, major."

John had to make Beckett understand. Kolya was dead. It was the past. It was over. He didn't want to think about it or talk about it. He just wanted to forget. "Give me a chance to deal with this on my own," he beseeched the doctor. "If I can't keep it together, and if I become a danger to my team and to Atlantis...then you can pull rank on me. Okay?" John was practically begging now and he didn't care.

"You can't will this away, major." Carson leaned in, his expression tense. "It happened and you have to deal with it."

"I know that and I will deal with it. I will." John was feeling desperate now, enough to reach out and grip Beckett by the arm. He locked eyes with the doctor. "I've been through alot of shit in my life. I'll get through this."

Carson did not look convinced. "This is different, laddie, and you know it. Rape isn't something you just get over."

John felt himself becoming agitated and didn't realize he was squeezing Beckett's arm in a death grip until the doctor peeled his fingers off. "I'm sorry.. sorry..." John wrapped his arms around himself and started rocking. "Please...Carson...just give me a chance, okay? That's all I'm asking for. Just some time to deal with this in my own way."

"I'll think about it." Carson rose from the chair and settled it back in the corner. "Go back to sleep, major. You need the rest." Carson fussed with the covers a bit and checked the IV. I'll be back later." He hesitated then locked eyes with Sheppard. "I have to do another internal exam."

"Sure." John forced a smile and was proud that he didn't flinch. But when the time came he would find some way around it. Still smiling at Beckett, he shifted himself onto his side then made a show of closing his eyes. "I am tired."

Carson patted his shoulder. "Call if you need me." And with that he was gone.

John kept his eyes closed and waited. He wasn't sure how much time had passed but once he was certain that Beckett wouldn't pop back in on him, he opened his eyes and sat up. Then John yanked out the IV before kicking off the covers. When he stood up he felt a bit shaky but he locked his knees and headed for the bathroom. He showered, needing to wash away the sense of being violated. Because just knowing that Beckett had examined him without his consent, without his knowledge, made John feel raped all over again. He scrubbed his skin raw and still felt dirty, but the water was running cold and he was shivering, so he got out, dried off and got dressed. He pulled on layers and still felt cold but he also felt as if the walls were closing in on him. So John left his room and headed for the nearest transport. He knew he had to be careful not to run into anyone who might turn him in to Beckett. So John headed for a part of Atlantis that was more or less deserted. Bottom floor so to speak. They had turned it into a kind of atrium as it was the one area of Atlantis that was still submerged under water. John liked it there.

He stepped off the transporter and was making his way down the corridor when a familiar voice called his name. John froze. Then he put a smile on his face as he turned to greet Rodney. "Hey, Mckay. What's up?"

"Aren't you supposed to be resting in your room?" Rodney looked annoyed as he approached.

"I'm playing hooky." John felt as if he could trust Rodney not to tell on him.

Making a face, Rodney nodded. Then he studied Sheppard. "You don't look so good. Are you sure you should be roaming around? If you pass out I really don't want to have to lug you back to the infirmary. I have a bad back. Not that you're heavy or anything. Because you're not. Actually, you're woefully underweight."

John felt as if a sudden weight was being lifted off of him as Rodney rambled on. This was what he longed for. Mckay's familiar sarcasm. But he did take umbrage at his last remark. "I am not underweight!" John shot back.

"Puhleez!" Rodney rolled his eyes. "A strong breeze could blow you over, major. Being slim is one thing, but you're downright skinny now."

"Bullshit!" John was offended, yet enjoying himself. "You're just jealous because I can eat anything I want and not gain an ounce." He knew for a fact that Rodney was jealous because the scientist had confessed that he was once. Not to John directly, but he had overheard him.

Rodney huffed out a breath of indignation. "I am not jealous!" He glared at Sheppard, but it faded when the Major suddenly swayed on his feet. Rodney caught him by the arm. "Whoa...sit down before you fall down."

John wanted to protest but his legs had turned to jello so he slid down to the floor. He felt the heat of Rodney's hand on his arm and shook his off. John knew that Rodney would never hurt him. Hell, Rodney couldn't hurt him. But he still did not want to be touched. He rubbed a hand over his face, wishing he could scrub away the memory of Kolya and the past three days. But it was imprinted into his mind as well as his body and John resisted the urge to shiver. He was cold again.

"Major?" Rodney was staring at him with concern shining in his eyes.

"I'm okay." John was becoming one hell of a liar. He almost sounded sincere. "Guess I'm still tired."

Rodney nodded and sat down beside him. For a long moment they sat in silence, then Rodney asked, "So Kolya is really dead?"

John nodded. "Yeah. He's dead." A part of him wished he could go back and kill the bastard again. And again and again and again.

"You killed him." Rodney wasn't asking a question, he was stating a fact.

"Yeah..I killed him." John's voice was raw and the words burned in his throat.

Rodney made a sound of satisfaction. "Good. I'm glad."

John looked at him and almost managed a smile. "Yeah...me too." A sharp pain started throbbing in his temples and he rubbed at them with his fingertips.

"You okay?" Rodney was kneeling beside him now, looking worried again.

"Head hurts." John was surprised at himself for admitting it. But he felt that Rodney would understand.

Rodney bit his lip. "Maybe I should call Beckett."

John shook his head at him and regretted it. He hissed as the pain stabbed into his head. "I'm okay. I just need a minute."

"You look like hell, major!" Rodney's voice was sharp.

"PLease don't call him!" John locked eyes with Rodney in a silent plea.

Rodney made a face. "Begging is so beneath you," he taunted.

John found himself grinning "Not if it works."

"It's not working." Rodney folded his arms over his chest. "You really don't look so good."

"Will bribing work?" John's smile faded and he felt a flutter of panic. "I have chocolate in my room." And he did have a stash of a dozen bars. He would gladly hand them all over.

Rodney stood up then reached down to haul Sheppard to his feet.

John pulled away from him and got up on his own. He felt shaky but he locked his knees. "So...chocolate?"

"Show me." Rodney headed towards the nearest transport.

"Fine." John followed him and soon they were back in his room. He looked at Rodney. "I'll get the chocolate."

Rodney blocked him from moving. "Tell you what. You get in bed and get some sleep and I won't call Beckett. And you can keep the chocolate."

John narrowed his eyes at him in suspicion. "Why are you being so nice to me?" Not that he minded. But it did make him wonder.

"I'm having a bad day," Rodney shot back. "And I really don't have time to deal with you so humor me, okay? Get in bed or I'll call Beckett right now."

"Fine...I'm going." John sat down on the side of the bed to unlace his boots. He got them off then laid down and the throbbing in his temples eased a bit. When he closed his eyes it felt even better. Hazy darkness washed over him and John started when he felt the covers being drawn over him. He forced his eyes open and a blurry Rodney came into view. "You won't tell...right?"

Rodney was looking at the IV line but he sighed then nodded. "I won't tell. Go to sleep." He stood there glaring.

John grinned then closed his eyes and darkness claimed him.

Part 9

Blood was supposed to be warm. But Kolya's blood felt cold against his skin and John shivered. He stared at his hands, at the blood that stained them and he tried to wipe them clean on his shirt but the blood would not come off and it was cold. Cold enough to make his skin start to sting. "No...no.." John felt panic flare inside him and it was in that moment that he jerked out of his dream. His eyes flew open and bit back a cry as a figure loomed over him. Instinct made him want to lash out and his hands clenched into fists. But even as he made to throw a punch, fingers gripped his wrists, pinning John down. Panic made him dizzy until he realized it was Beckett over him.

The doctor looked worried as he tried to soothe Sheppard. "It's okay now, major. It's just me. Nobody is going to hurt you. You're safe now."

"Sorry..I'm sorry," John mumbled, as he tugged at his arms. He felt trapped and the sense of panic increased.

"Promise not to slug me again?" Beckett's tone was light and teasing, but his body was still tense.

John managed to smile and nod. "I promise." Relief washed over him as Beckett released him. He rubbed his wrists, which were still abraded from the ropes that had used to bind him. John did not want to think about that so he tried to focus on the hear and now. "What time is it?" he asked as he shifted a bit so he could sit up. And he could not hide a wince of pain. HIs entire body ached, his head still throbbed and he till felt tired.

Carson glanced at his watch. "It's late. You slept for about five hours. Rodney came and told me you snuck out and I should check on you. And a good thing too," Carson continued, raising a hand to still Sheppard's protest. "You're fever is up. So I gave you a shot of antibiotics and I've got some aspirin for you to swallow." He turned away and retrieved the white pills, holding them out along with a glass of water.

"Thanks." Sheppard accepted the pills and tossed them back before draining the glass of water. It felt cool and soothing to his parched throat.

"How's the headache?" Carson asked, his eyes locked on Sheppard's face. His expression was a bit grim.

John was sure he looked like hell. He felt like it anyway. Handing the empty glass back, John rubbed his temples. "Still there," he allowed. "It's no big deal." Suddenly he realized that the IV from before was back in in left hand.

Carson did not look convinced but he nodded. Then he locked eyes with the major. "I have to do another exam, laddie."

"No." John spoke softly but with conviction. No way in hell was he letting Beckett touch him again. Not like that.

"I have to do it...you know I do." Carson would not be swayed.

John glared at him. "Get out." When Beckett just stood there he leaned in and shouted, "Get the fuck out!"

Carson sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry...I can't do that. And if forced to I will strap you down, major. At which point what happened to you will get out."

"You wouldn't do that." John was horrified at the thought and he told himself that Beckett would never go that far. He wouldn't go to that extreme. But one look at the other man's face and John knew that he would and he felt like Beckett had just slugged him in the gut. "Please don't." It was disgustingly easy to beg and John hated himself for it.

"I'm not trying to hurt you, laddie. You know that." Carson looked distressed but determined. "I have to make sure you're healing."

John closed his eyes. "I'm fine." The words ran through his head like a mantra and he clung to it. *I'm fine...I'm fine...I'm fine...* But he could not ignore the other voice in his head that screamed LIAR!

Carson stared at Sheppard. "I have to do this," he stated. "Your choice. Here or in the infirmary."

"Here." John knew it was the only choice.

"Good. I'll be as quick as I can." As he spoke, Carson moved to the end of Sheppard's bed. He then tugged at the covers, untucking them from the mattress. "I need you to slide down for me. I'll get you undressed and we'll get through this, laddie."

John said nothing as he obeyed. He sought to detach himself from all physical sensation and awareness as Beckett shifted him about. John felt his pants and boxers being removed. He felt his legs being shifted about, feet planted on the edge of the bed, the shift draped over them. He heard Beckett snap on gloves and the sound of his voice was a buzzing in John's ears. He didn't understand a word the doctor said to him and it didn't matter. The fingers that pressed into his thighs were Kolya's. The invading digits inside him were Kolya's. The stretch and burn were familiar and almost laughed because Kolya was a fool. He couldn't hurt him. He was dead now. John had killed him. And the blood that coated his hands was warm again and John embraced the warmth, letting it soak into his skin. Letting it wrap around him and draw him down into a hazy darkness that nothing could penetrate.

Carson finished his exam. He had tried to be gentle and careful and Sheppard hadn't flinched or moved a bit. Which worried Carson a bit. He smoothed some cream inside the major then slid his fingers out and peeled off his gloves. "I know it's sore," Carson commented as he tossed his gloves into the nearby trash can. "But you seem to be healing well, major. I won't have to do another exam for a couple of days." Carson waited for a response and frowned at the silence that greeted him. The frown turned into a gasp as he caught sight of Sheppard's face. The major's eyes were wide open but glazed over and Carson grabbed for his penlight. He shone the beam into the hazel depths and cursed. No reaction. "Bloody hell!" Carson cursed, even as he checked Sheppard's pulse, more from reflex than anything else. He knew what had happened. "I'm not surprised, major," Carson said as he shifted Sheppard back up against the pillows. He settled the blankets back over him then moved to the small dresser in the corner. Carson found a pair of sweat pants and he put them on the major before putting the blankets over him once more. "It's going to be okay, laddie," Carson whispered. He checked the IV, smoothed a hand over the major's forehead, then headed out the door.

***

Rodney should have felt guilty. But he didn't. He had hacked into Beckett's files and had pulled up Major Sheppard's chart. What he read made Rodney turn pale. He stared at the information on his screen and it burned into his brain. "Raped..." Rodney whispered. "That bastard raped him." And he almost wished that Kolya was still alive so he could kill him himself. Rodney realized he was shaking and that he risked being caught. But it took him a few tries before he could exit the files, because his fingers were clumsy. He turned off his lap top and headed out of the lab. But he wasn't heading off to see Sheppard. Rodney wasn't ready for that. No...he was off to find a private place so he could freak out. Then he would visit the major. Once he knew he could face the man without letting the truth show.

***

Elizabeth was in her office when Dr. Beckett appeared. One look at his face and she knew something bad had happened. "Is it John?"

Carson nodded. "Afraid so." He closed the door and gestured for her to stay seated.

"What happened? Is he all right?" Panic made Elizabeth's tone edgy.

"He's suffering from post traumatic syndrome," Carson replied. And it wasn't exactly a lie.

Elizabeth shook her head. "I don't understand. He seemed okay."

Carson sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He hated lying but he wanted to give the major a chance to get past this before he told anyone the truth. Sheppard had earned that much after everything he had done for Atlantis and for everyone who lived here. "Bottom line is this. He's retreated into a semi-catatonic state. He's unresponsive at the moment but I have complete faith that he'll come out of it soon. I think he just needs some time to deal with everything that's happened to him."

"Did Kolya torture him?" Elizabeth knew that Carson was holding something back.

"Somewhat," Carson allowed. "Truth be told, I think this is a reaction to everything. Keep in mind, Dr. Weir, that Major Sheppard came to Atlantis with no previous knowlege of the Stargate or the Ancients and anything the rest of us had at least some awareness of. He's asked to come here because of his gene. He ends up having to shoot his CO and becomes the ranking military officer. He nearly died because of a life sucking bug. He's dealt with one crises after another. He defended Atlantis against the Genii, pretty much single-handedly. And that's just the tip of the ice berg. It's not surprising that after being kidnapped by Kolya on top of everything else that he'd suffer a minor break down. So to speak."

Elizabeth was worried. "How long are we talking here, Carson? Hours, days, weeks?"

Carson shrugged. "I can't say for sure. I just want you to be willing to give him the time he needs. And I am certain he'll make a full recovery. The Major is a strong man."

"I know he is." Elizabeth spoke softy. "Can I see him?"

"Of course. I'm going to keep him in his room. I think it will be best to keep him in familiar surroundings." Carson hoped it was best anyway. He did believe that Major Sheppard would come out of this and be allright. He just wasn't sure what the catalyst would be to bring him back.

Elizabeth nodded. "Thank you, Carson." She stood up and headed out the door.

***

John was aware of his surroundings. He knew he was on Atlantis. Knew he was in his room. But he liked being detached from it all. He liked the hazy warm darkness that he was floating on. He liked being alone like this. No one could touch him here. There was no pain here. No guilt or shame or sadness. There was nothing. John wanted to stay here. He wanted to be alone like this forever.

But even as he made to draw the darkness around him like a shroud, John sensed a presence.

Part 10

Rodney had his little freak out. Only it wasn't so little and it lasted a couple of hours. Hours of pacing on the balconey at the south end of Atlantis. A deserted section of the city. Pacing and ranting and resisting the urge to throw up. Rodney still could not believe what he had read, but he knew it was the truth. Kolya had raped Major Sheppard. It was too horrific to accept. But he had to accept it and deal with it and find a way to help Sheppard deal with it as well. And it was that thought that sent Rodney to the major's room. Rodney knocked and was surprised when Carson opened the door. "What are you doing here?" Rodney asked him as he entered Sheppard's room.

Carson winced. "Keeping an eye on the major," he replied. "Why are you here?"

"I wanted to check on him." Rodney's gaze went to the bed and he gasped. He wasn't a medical doctor but he recognized Sheppard's condition. The slim body was reclined against a few pillows but a tenseness was visible and the green-hazel eyes were wide open, but Rodney knew they were staring at nothing. He turned to Beckett. "What happened?"

"He's catatonic."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "I can see that. Why?" He asked even though he could guess. John had been raped. And now something had sent him over the edge of the abyss, so to speak.

Carson sighed and rubbed at his eyes. "Somehow I don't think why really matters at the moment, Rodney."

"I guess not." Rodney moved to the bed and stared at the major, willing him to blink. "Can I stay with him?" He was going to whether Carson agreed to it or not.

"Sure." Carson stretched the kinks out of his back. "Call me when you're ready to leave. I don't want the major to be alone."

Rodney had no intention of letting that happen. "I'll stay the night," he offered, even as he emptied his jacket pockets. He had come prepared with power bars.

Carson looked surprised. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah... I want to say." And that was all Rodney said. He wasn't about to explain why.

"Okay then." Carson looked relieved. "I'll be popping in and out to check on him. Call me if there are any changes. Anything at all. Do you understand?"

Rodney made a face at Beckett. "Being that I'm not stupid....yes, I understand."

Carson nodded. He then took one last look at Sheppard before leaving.

The moment he was alone with Sheppard, Rodney felt nervous. But he sucked it up and grabbed the chair from the corner, hauling it over to the side of the bed. He settled himself comfortably then began to talk. Rodney just hoped that John could hear him. "Do you like cats, major? You look like a dog person to me, actually. Dogs are nice but I'm kind of allergic to them. And...they sort of scare me. I got bit when I was a kid, got the scar to prove it." Rodney rubbed at the thin line that cut across the back of his left hand. "So...anyway...what else can I talk about?" He thought for a moment and decided that now was the perfect time to get a bit more personal. "I remember the first time I saw you, major. In the chair at the Antarctic base. I was jealous as hell that you had the gene. You didn't know a damn thing about the Stargate or the Pegasus galaxy and the Ancients, but you had the gene. And you can make it work like no one else can. Hell..I'm still jealous about that."

Rodney paused and rose to his feet, pacing around the bed to the other side. He was too restless to sit still. "You're an intriguing man, major. You're more than just a simple pilot, that's for sure. You don't let people see all the sides of you. I mean...Mr. easy-going flyboy and Mr. Charm the birds out of the trees are all you. But you're also the guy that can kill with precision. And the guy who's always the first one to make a pit stop in the infirmary when someone gets hurt or is sick. You're surprisingly compassionate, and equally passionate. I can't figure you out." Rodney wondered if he was saying to much but it was as if he couldn't stop himself. So he kept talking.

"Remember when I turned on the personal shield? I went looking for you first. Why? Because who else could I trust to shoot me and throw me over a balcony, yet know that you would never have done it if you weren't positive I would be okay. When Grodin slugged me...he wanted to hurt me. But you...you're different. Steve was a Wraith but you still gave a damn when he was dying. And yet you went all terminator on the Genii when they tried to take over Atlantis. I knew you would save us. That's what you do. I just wish you had killed Kolya when he tried to take Elizabeth." Rodney had more to say but he realized Sheppard had flinched so he broke off to stare at him, willing him to show more movement. But the major was still again.

"By the way," Rodney continued, moving back to the chair and plopping into it. "I have a bone to pick with you. I did some hacking. You're a fucking genius. What's up with that? I checked, major. You have a genius level IQ. Not as high as mine, of course..but still genius. Which...duh..makes sense since your a math whiz and all. But still...why the hell do you walk around playing dumb? That pisses me off. Because I know you understand way more than you let on. So why not show it? What's the point?" And Rodney asked because he really wanted to know. But Sheppard did not reply and after a while Rodney ran out of things to say. So he just sat there, not moving until Carson returned to check on the major.

After the doctor left again, Rodney shifted to find a comfortable position then let himself just look at Sheppard. STaring his fill of the beautiful face with the long eyelashes and the lush mouth and the slight stubble that seemed like a permanent fixture. After a while Rodney's eyes drifted closed and he fell asleep only to dream about killing Kolya. Over and over and over again. Killing him for what he had done to Sheppard. Rodney rather enjoyed the dream, until he was jerked out of it by a crashing sound. His eyes flew open and he was both stunned, and relieved, to see that the major was out of bed. Bad thing was, Sheppard was stalking around the room, throwing things. That was the crashing noise. It seemed to Rodney that he was searching for something. So he pushed out of the chair and went to him. "Major?"

John heard Rodney but he didn't reply. He had to find his gun. He ripped apart the desk but found nothing so he cursed and continued searching. He felt vulnerable without his gun. But he lost his focus when a hand touched his arm. John jerked back and came up hard against the wall. His knees buckled on him and he slid down to the floor. He was shaking so hard his teeth were chattering.

"It's okay, major." Rodney was on his knees beside him. "I'll call Beckett."

"No!" That was the last thing John wanted. He tried to scrabble further into the corner and just then his door whooshed open.

Carson barrelled inside. He took in the sight before him and headed for the major. He was thrilled to see him out of bed, but not so thrilled by Sheppard's pale features and the fact that he was sheened in sweat. "Major...can you talk to me?" Carson prompted, as he knelt before him.

John huddled back, wrapping his arms around himself. He felt as if her were coming apart from the inside out. Nothing made sense anymore. Not sense he had come awake to the sound of Rodney's hiccupping snores. John shook his head and closed his eyes. Pain stabbed in his temples and the room spun around him. He wanted to be left alone. But fingers wrapped around his arm and John's eyes flew open. He yanked his arm free and glared at Beckett. "Don't touch me!" John snarled, and his voice sounded raw and hoarse.

"I'm sorry." Carson apologized as he backed away.

"What is going on?" Rodney asked, even as he shifted forward, his eyes locked on Sheppard's face. "Major...it's okay. Carson just wants to check you over. To make sure you're all right. Why don't you come sit on the bed?"

John knew that wasn't true. Rodney was lying to him. Only Rodney didn't lie and John was feeling more confused by the minute. But he shook his head, ignoring the stabs of pain in his temples. "No..NO! Stay away from me!" He could feel Beckett's presence looming over him and John felt suffocated.

Rodney looked stunned. He rose to his feet, hauling Beckett up with him. Still holding the doctor's arm, Rodney dragged him outside of Sheppard's room. "What the hell is going on?" Rodney demanded, once the doors had whooshed closed behind them. "Why is the major so freaked out about you? You've been treating him all along."

Carson opened his mouth to reply, but before he could speak the door to Sheppard's room whooshed open again and suddenly the major bolted past them. "Wait!" Carson called after him.

"Dammit!" Rodney cursed then took off after Sheppard.

John heard Mckay and Beckett calling his name. Heard their heavy footsteps as they came after him. But he was faster and he made it into the transporter before they could catch him. He used his mind to make the transporter take him three levels down. Then John was out and running again, only he wasn't sure if he was running away or if he were trying to find something. Right now he felt lost and alone. And afraid. And John hated being afraid. The first thing he needed to do was to find a gun.

Part 11

Rodney cursed and gasped for breath as he collapsed against the wall. He was in lousy shape. Better than he had been before coming to Altantis, thanks to being on Sheppard's team. He had rather been forced into exercise against his will. Sheppard was a firm believer in parking the jumper in a secluded spot then hiking their way to wherever they needed to go. But all of that was trivial and Rodney expunged it from his brain as he sucked air into his lungs. He had to find the major. He had to figure out where he would be heading. And then it clicked in place. Sheppard had been looking for a gun. Rodney gulped in a bit more air, pushed away from the wall, and began running.

***

"I'm afraid we have a wee bit of a situation here," Carson explained to Weir. After Rodney had run off after Sheppard, Carson had headed straight for Weir's office.

"What kind of a situation?" Elizabeth demanded, her arms folded across her chest and her eyes narrowed.

Carson sighed. "Major Sheppard is no longer catatonic," he began. Good news first, he figured.

Elizabeth looked stunned, then pleased. "That's great. Isn't it? Is Major Sheppard all right?"

"Not really." Carson winced and held up a hand to forestall anything she might say. "He kind of freaked out and took off. Rodney went after him. Thing is, I don't know where he's headed or what he'll do when he gets there. The major, that is. If he feels threatened in anyway..well...we all know how dangerous he can be." Sheppard had, single-handedly, wiped out about 60 Genii. Carson knew the man could do alot of harm if he wasn't found and contained under supervision.

"All right...I'll send out a group of two man teams." Elizabeth locked eyes with Carson. "I know there's more going on than you're telling me, but we'll discuss it later. Right now I just want to find the major." With that she turned and tapped her com to begin issuing orders.

Carson slipped away, guilt weighing heavily upon him.

***

John ran for the armory. He didn't waste any time. He grabbed a glock then took off again. He headed into the bowels of Antlantis. He could hide in the dark. He was good at hiding. No one would find him there and John did not want to be found. He wanted all the chaos in his head to go away. He felt confused and angry and he was tired. He wanted to sleep and sleep and maybe never wake up.

He remembered this one place below. He had found it a few months ago while exploring with Ford. It was a windowless room and small and empty and John wanted to be empty. So he went there and thought the door open then he crammed himself into the farthest corner, gun clutched in his hand, and closed his eyes.

John started to dream. He was pinned down and suffocating and something burned inside him, hurting him and he lashed out against it but he was too weak. He hated being weak. John shook himself out of the dream, snapping back to reality, and the blurred images in his head shuddered into focus. Kolya. John snarled in anger and he felt himself begin to shake. He had to be stronger than this. He had to get past this. His team needed him. John pushed out of the corner and began to pace, the gun held loosely in his hand. It was an extension of himself and it made him feel safe. If he had had his gun with Kolya, none of this would be happening.

"Fuck..FUCK!" John cursed and ran his fingers through his hair. He didn't know what to do next. He wanted to leave Atlantis. He wanted to go back home. As messed up as things had been on Earth, they were less complicated than here the Pegasus galaxy. He had fucked things up here.

"Major..sir!"

John stiffened and turned to find Ford standing in the doorway. "Go away!" John hissed at him.

Ford didn't listen. He took a step in but stopped when he found himself staring down the barrell of a gun. "I need to take you back to the infirmary, sir. Everyone is worried about you."

"I'm not going there," John countered. He was shaking yet, oddly enough, his hand was steady on the gun. But he didn't want to hurt Ford. "Just back off, Lt. Just let me out of here."

"I can't do that, sir." Ford held his ground.

John moved closer, plastering a smile on his face. He could charm his way out of here. Ford was easy. "Just let me leave and it's cool. Okay? I just need some time to myself, Lt. Time to think things through."

Ford shook his head. "I'm sorry, major, but Dr. Weir has ordered that you be brought back to the infirmary. I know you've been going through a rough time, sir. I just want to do the right thing."

"Letting me go is the right thing," John countered. He could tell that Ford was undecided and that's when he made his move. When the Lt lowered his weapon, John stepped into him, swinging his fist. Ford went down and John stepped over him, only to come to a halt when Bates appeared in front of him.

"Drop your weapon, major," Bates ordered, his own trained on Sheppard.

John shook his head. "Not going to happen and we both know it, Sgt. Look..I don't have a beef with you. Back off and no one gets hurt."

Bates didn't waver. "Can't do that, sir. Drop your weapon."

"No." John smiled and fired, and he was pleased when Bates's jumped. He had fired a shot over the man's shoulder. He wanted him to understand. He had to get out of here. The walls were closing in on him. "Don't make me hurt you, Sgt." John's tone was soft but laced with steel.

"Can't do that, sir." Bates shifted on his feet and he was sweating.

Just then Carson and Rodney arrived, both out of breath, followed by Stackhouse and another marine. Carson stepped forward. "Easy, major. Let's get you back to the infirmary." In his hand he palmed a sedative.

John turned and shifted his arm. Now he was pointing his gun on Beckett. "You leave me the fuck alone!" he snarled.

"Back off!" Rodney shouldered Carson out of the way. He took a hesitant step forward. "Major...uh...don't shoot me, okay? I really don't want to be shot. I bet it hurts like hell."

"It does." John almost smiled. Rodney was like a breath of fresh air and he almost felt like he could breathe again.

Rodney nodded and took a step forward. "I know you're a little confused right now, major. I also know you don't want anyone to get hurt. Especially me." Rodney smiled a bit as he said the last part.

John risked a glance at Rodney but kept his focus on Bates. And now his gun. Always watch the guys with the weapons. "Can't risk you getting hurt, Rodney," John allowed. "You're the *answer man*."

"So why don't you put the gun down." Rodney took another step closer.

"Can't" John moved back a bit. "I need to be alone, okay? I need to figure this out." He heard the desperation that tinged his voice. John hated pleading but he was willing to beg for this right now.

Rodney eased forward slowly, one hand reaching out. "I get that, major. Let's make a deal. You give me the gun and I'll make everyone leave and we'll sit and talk. Or whatever. I can send for take out. Or we can play rummy. Whatever. I have games on my laptop."

John realized what Rodney was doing. He recognized the tone the other man was using. He wasn't exactly patronizing him, but he was treating John like he was a child needing to be soothed and cajoled. That both irritated John and scared him. He wanted sarcastic Rodney back. So John glared at him. "Fuck off! All of you!" He waved the gun around to make his point.

"You listen to me, major!" Rodney roared, and now he was in pissed off, but still really scared, mode. "Give me the fucking gun! Okay? I'm about to piss my pants here and I'm hungry and I have tons of work to do. So come on!" Rodney held out his hand. It was shaking badly.

"Just leave me alone. Get out and take everyone with you, Rodney. That's all you have to do." John took another step back. The walls were closing in on him again. He felt a wave of dizziness rock him and he swayed on his feet. John realized he was blacking out and he fought against it. He closed his eyes and the dizziness past, but they flew open when a hand gripped his wrist. John tried to yank the gun up but it was tugged out of his hand and he blinked and brought Rodney's face into focus. Then John pushed away, rubbing at his wrist. He glared at Rodney. "Bastard!"

Rodney nodded. "You know it. You want to scream and yell and break things now...go right ahead."

John almost laughed and gestured about the empty room. "There's nothing here to break."

"I could bring some things," Rodney offered. "I have some perfectly useless beakers and things."

"Thanks." John almost wanted to take him up on that. He closed his eyes again and rubbed his temples. His head ached and he was tired. He wanted Rodney to keep his promise and make everyone leave. But even as John opened his eyes and made to speak, hands were upon him and he was being pushed down to the floor. "NO!" John struggled against them, seeing Ford and Bates looming over him. He kicked Bates then something heavy pinned his legs. John bucked up, arching his back, he had to get free. "GET OFF ME!" He screamed.

Rodney had been shoved back but not he jumped in to support the major. "What the hell are you doing? Get off him!" He tried to yank Bates' off but Stackhouse grabbed Rodney and hauled him back. "You can't do this to him!" Rodney could see how tense Sheppard was. HIs body taut even as he struggled like a madman against Ford and Bates.

Carson joined them next to the major. He had a syringe in one hand and he readied it. But first he looked at Rodney. "He needs help," Carson whispered. Then he turned back to Sheppard and held his head still so he could plunge the needle into the fleshy part of his shoulder.

"Sonofabitch!" John roared, as he felt the prick of the needle in his skin. He continued to struggle but felt his muscles liquify. Then darkness washed over him and he welcomed it.

Carson rose to his feet. "Send in the gurney."

It came in with Weir trailing behind it. "How is he?" she asked, as she watched the major being loaded onto it.

"It's going to be rough but we'll get him through this," Carson replied. Resisting the urge to mutter *I hope* under his breath.

"I hope you're right," Elizabeth countered. "Just as a precaution, I want him in restraints."

Carson opened his mouth to reply but Rodney beat him to it.

He glared at Weir. "You can't do that!" he protested.

"I don't think I have a choice." Elizabeth sighed. "He held a gun on people. He's dangerous...you know that. I have to think of the safety of everyone on Atlantis."

"He wouldn't have shot anyone." Of that Rodney was certain.

Elizabeth shook her head. "You don't know that."

Rodney glared back at her. "Yes..I do. I would have thought that you knew it too."

"I have to take him now," Carson interjected. "I'll let you know how he's doing." With that he waved the gurney off and made to follow, only to find a hand on his arm and he was dragged off to the corner by Rodney, "I have to go."

"What did you do to him?" Rodney snarled.

Carson grimaced and yanked his arm free. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Rodney glared at him, his body vibrating with anger. "You do know, Carson. Why is Sheppard freaked by you? What happened?"

"You know I can't talk about it." Carson pushed past Rodney. "I have take care of him." He started walking away only to find Rodney keeping step. "What are you doing?"

"Going with you." Determination glinted in Rodney's eyes. "I'm not letting the major out of my sight until I know what the hell is going on!"

Carson believed him. And he thought it might be for the best, so he didn't argue. He simply nodded and they continued on in silence.

Part 12

Rodney paced as he watched Beckett and two nurses work over the major. They stripped him, put him in scrubs, took vitals, drew blood then settled onto a bed before strapping restraints on his wrists. Watching that made Rodney angry and scared. Knowing what he knew, he had no doubt about the fact that Sheppard would freak when he woke up.

Carson appeared before Rodney. "I've done what I can for now. He'll sleep for at least eight hours."

"We need to talk." Rodney's tone brooked no argument, but he still gripped Carson by the arm and hauled him out of the infirmary. Rodney wanted privacy when they talked so he took the doctor to his room. Once the doors were closed behind them, Rodney demanded, "What the hell did you do to Sheppard?"

"I fucked up." Carson was not about to deny it. He rubbed a hand over his face then dropped down into a nearby chair. Heaving a sigh, he took a moment to gather his thoughts then he looked up at Rodney. "I was trying to help him. I made a bad choice. A stupid one."

Rodney did not like the sound of that. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "Just tell me."

Carson nodded. "I can't reveal details but...suffice to say that Major Sheppard has been through a traumatic experience and I made it worse. I needed to examine him and he refused so I threatened to strap him down to do it." Carson locked eyes with Rodney as he spoke. "Understand...I wouldn't have really done that. I was just a bit desperate. We need the major...we need him to be okay and in my need to make sure he would be allright..I overstepped my boundaries. I'd take it back if I could...I wish I could."

"You stupid sonofabitch!" Rodney exploded off the bed. "How could you do that to him? You don't have to be a fucking shrink to know that you can't force an exam on a rape victim! When my sister was raped she needed all the support she could get. Not bullying. Especially from her doctor. Sheppard will never trust you again! You do realize that, right? God..how could you be so stupid?" Rodney was yelling and pacing and so worked up he was certain a vein was going to pop in his head.

"How...how did you know he was raped?" Carson interjected. And he looked like he had been slapped. "I didn't say a word."

Rodney stopped pacing and ranting to glare at him. He wasn't going to lie about this. "I hacked into your files and read the major's chart."

Carson got angry and a hot retort was on the tip of his tongue, but he let it die. "After what I did...who am I to say anything? But that can't happen again, Rodney. You've betrayed his right to privacy as much as I have."

"True..but at least my way wouldn't have put him in a catatonic state!" Rodney watched Carson wince as if he had struck a blow and he was glad. It was petty of him, but at this moment he wanted Carson to suffer for what he had done. He knew the doctor hadn't meant to hurt Sheppard. Carson was a good man and a good doctor. But he had really fucked this up this time.

"I deserve that," Carson allowed. "Believe me, you can't beat me up about it more than I'm already beating myself up. And once the dust has settled I plan to go to Weir and tell her everything."

Rodney shook his head. "No..don't do that. Not unless the major demands it." And Rodney knew Sheppard would never do that. "Atlantis needs you as much as it needs the major. So just shut up about it and do what you can to fix your mistake."

Carson didn't look happy about it, but he nodded. "I think maybe you can help me with the major."

"How?" Rodney was willing to do whatever it took. Anything to help Sheppard.

"I could see how the major trusted you back in that room," Carson stated. "He needs someone he can trust and that's not going to be me. But he still needs to be monitored. I'll have a nurse doing vitals and stuff, but if we're going to keep this private then you'll have to be responsible for the rest."

Rodney knew what Beckett was asking and he didn't hesitate. "Just tell me what I need to know and do and I'll do it. But first things first. I think John will deal better in his own room."

Carson nodded "Agreed. I can have him moved immediately."

"And you have to remove the restraints." Rodney was adamant about that. He knew being restrained would freak Sheppard out.

"Now that I can't do," Carson countered. "You'll have to take that up with Weir. She's the one that ordered them."

Rodney cursed but he knew Carson was right. "Fine. Get the major moved to his room and make up a list of things for me to do for him. I'll be back soon." Rodney turned to leave but stopped and turned back. He glared at Carson a moment then stalked over to him. His lips twisting into a cold smile, Rodney drew back his right arm and slugged Carson. He connected hard with the doctor's jaw and felt him stagger back. Rodney then shook his hand. "Ow..ow..ow!" But in spite of the pain he felt better.

Carson rubbed his jaw. "Guess I deserved that."

"Yeah, you did." Rodney paused to suck on his knuckles. "I just hope that when the major gets better..he knocks you on your ass. That said, Rodney turned on his heel and headed out, determination glinting in his blue eyes.

***

Rodney went several rounds with Dr. Weir but she remained adamant. The restraints were to stay. She had been surprised to be interrupted by a call from Dr. Beckett, informing her that Major Sheppard would be moved back to his own room. And she had also noticed Rodney's red knuckles. He had made up some stupid story he couldn't even remember now. Bottom line was that the restraints were to stay and Rodney couldn't really argue the point without revealing the truth about the rape. So he dropped the subject and headed straight for the major's room.

Carson was there making sure Sheppard was settled in. He looked worn out as he turned to Rodney and held out a piece of paper. "You need to ask these questions so that we know he's healing. And there is a list of other things to watch out for and what to do should certain things occur. If anything happens you can't handle, call me."

"Cause seeing you would help," Rodney scoffed.

"Just call. I can answer over the line or send a nurse." Carson was not about to get into it again.

Rodney realized he was letting his anger with Weir bleed back out onto Carson. He knew the man was sorry and it was time to let it go. For now. "Fine. I'll call if I need to."

Carson nodded. "I take it Dr. Weir refused to let you remove the restraints?"

"Yeah...and I couldn't explain why it's a bad idea." Rodney could hear the frustration in his voice. "Look...why don't you go now. You know the major, he could wake up any second."

"He shouldn't, I gave him a double dosage." Still, Carson headed for the door. "I hope you can help him," he whispered. Then he was gone.

Rodney sighed. "I hope so too." He set the list aside and moved towards the bed. He studied Sheppard. The man looked pale and restless in spite of the sedative, but he also looked young and beautiful and Rodney could not resist reaching out to touch the lush mouth. But he drew back when the major shuddered in reaction. "Sorry," Rodney whispered under his breath. He continued his perusal though, taking in the dark hair and it propensity to stick up in all directions. The thing that amused him most was that it wasn't a vanity thing for Sheppard. It was just the way his hair was and the major didn't bother with it. And Rodney knew this from the time they had been offworld and forced to spend two nights in a cramped space. The major had never once given a thought to his appearance, even when the natives had given them a place to bathe and clean clothes to wear. Sheppard had washed up but that was all the primping he had done. He didn't use the blades offered for shaving and his only attention to his hair was to towel it dry and run his fingers through it a couple of times. He hadn't even used the mirrors offered. He'd simply pulled on the loose pants and soft tunic and he was ready to go. Rodney had spent much more time on his own appearance, not that it mattered. He looked the same no matter what he did. And the native clothing had suited Sheppard. The pale color complimenting his dark hair. Hell, even when he had a Wraith bug sucking the life out of him, the major was beautiful and it made Rodney's heart ache to think about Kolya trying to destroy that beauty.

"I wish I could kill him all over again," Rodney whispered, as he let one hand smooth over Sheppard's dark hair. And this time the major seemed to relax into the touch. But Rodney didn't push it. What he did do, however, was release the major from the restraints. Weir could bitch at him later but Rodney knew that waking up restrained might be the catalyst to send the major back into a catatonic state. Rodney was not going to let that happen. "I won't let anyone hurt you again, major," Rodney promised. He turned away and settled himself in the corner chair, grabbing the note and studying it. He wanted to be prepared for when Sheppard finally woke up.

***

John came awake with a jolt, remembering everything that had happened in the room. Remembering how Rodney had tried to help him. He opened his eyes and expected to find himself in the infirmary, and was surprised to recognize his own four walls. Then he hood it. The tapping sound of someone typing. John turned his head to see Rodney sitting at his desk using his laptop. "Rodney." John's voice came out as a hoarse croak.

"Hey, major." Rodney was up and by his side, holding out a glass of water. "Just take a sip." He helped him then set the glass aside. "So...hungry?"

"Why are you here?" John ignored Rodney's question.

Rodney locked eyes with Sheppard, knowing that this was going to be a moment of truth. If he was going to help the major, he had to be honest with him. So Rodney cleared his throat and prayed his voice wouldn't crack and betray how scared and uncertain he was in this moment. "I'm going to be blunt, major. I know Kolya raped you."

John flinched as if struck by a blow. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see what Rodney was thinking. He didn't want to see pity or disgust in the other man's eyes.

"For the record....Carson is an ass. I punched him...it hurt. See?" Rodney held out his hand. It shook a bit. When Sheppard didn't open his eyes, Rodney got a bit pissy. "Look, dammit! I don't punch out people on a daily basis. The least you can do is be sympathetic since I did it on your behalf!"

"Fuck you!" John snarled, but he opened his eyes and he saw Rodney's hand. The knuckles were red and a bit swollen and suddenly it hit him what Rodney had done and what it meant and the anger faded. It disappeared completely when he looked at Rodney's face. The blue eyes glittered with understanding, not pity. And there was no disgust. Not that it mattered. John was disgusted enough at himself anyway. But he shook those thoughts away. They were unproductive. He had to start moving forward, letting go of what happened and get back into his life. Into his work. So John forced a smile. "Put ice on it."

Rodney grimaced. "Too late now. Anyhow...um...just so you know. Even though you're in your room you're still under medical supervision. Carson appointed me as your keeper, so to speak. You still need to be looked after, major." Rodney knew this was going to be another moment of truth.

John knew what Rodney meant and he shook his head. "No one touches me!"

"Fine." Rodney grabbed the chair and pulled it over to the bed. He sat down and smiled. "I do have a list of questions I'm supposed to ask you, and I do have to take your temp. I have the ear thingy."

"What questions?" John couldn't even begin to imagine what Rodney was talking about.

Rodney grabbed his note. "First off. Are you sore? Well..of course you are. But I need to know how sore on a scale of one to ten."

John almost laughed. Almost. He could not believe Rodney was asking him that. He could not believe they were pretending this was normal. Rodney knew he had been raped and he acted like it didn't matter. That life goes on and suddenly John realized he wanted this. It passed for normal and he needed that. But even so, he could not bring himself to answer the question. It would be acknowledging the truth of what Kolya had done to him. He wasn't ready for that. Not yet. He wanted to move on first, then he would take the time to deal with everything else.

"Major?" Rodney prompted. He sighed when Sheppard shook his head. "Okay...next question. When was the last time you went to the bathroom? You know what I mean." Rodney felt himself blushing and cursed. "Carson gave me some pink stuff you're supposed to drink to help with that."

John watched Rodney squirm with embarrassment and said nothing. He couldn't answer him.

Rodney sighed and put the paper down. "I know this is hard for you, major. But I'm not going to go away...and neither will what happened to you. So why don't we deal with this hard stuff then we can move on to more pleasant things. Like dinner. You have to eat. Oh..by the way...do you play chess? Most Math prodigy's do. I brought my set. We can play after you eat and stuff."

"I need a shower." John realized he felt dirty and gritty again. Not on the outside so much as on the inside. All those questions brought up too many memories and John could feel Kolya inside him, thrusting hard and rocking his body. He could feel the other man's sweat staining his skin. John shuddered and closed his eyes.

"Okay...a shower is good. We can do that." Rodney was up and moving to the side of the bed.

John ignored him. He threw off the covers and only then did he noticed the straps attached to the side of the bed. Restraints. He glared at them then glared at Rodney. "What the fuck is this?"

Rodney sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Weir's idea. She thinks you're a danger to yourself and everyone else right now."

"Guess I can't blame her." John knew just how dangerous he could be. "So why aren't they on me?"

"I took them off."

John was surprised. He locked eyes with Rodney. "Why?"

Rodney shrugged. "Because I knew it would freak you out to wake up and be restrained."

"Thanks." John knew it would have done just that. He pushed up off the bed and his knees buckled, but he caught himself. Just then someone knocked at the door.

"I'll get it." Rodney rushed over and was surprised to see Elizabeth standing there. "Oh...uh..hi." Rodney knew the shit was about to hit the fan.

Elizabeth strode into the room and stopped when she saw Sheppard on his feet. "What happened to the restraints?" She turned to Rodney to ask.

He knew she was remembering their conversation earlier. "Um...I..." Rodney stuttered. He still couldn't explain it to her.

"I have to pee." John interjected, calmly. When Elizabeth stared at him he continued, "Since I don't have a pot to piss in and I don't want to wet the bed....Rodney let up."

"I see." Elizabeth relaxed her stance a bit, but folded her arms over her chest. "We need to talk, major."

John nodded. "Fine. Let me use the bathroom and take a quick shower."

Elizabeth looked like she was going to protest but nodded. "Be quick."

"I will." John was grateful for the escape. He wasn't ready to face all of her questions. But he figured he could use the time alloted to him to come up with a believable lie. But even as he relieved himself and stepped into the shower, John could hear Kolya's mocking voice. He could feel the rough hands on his skin. His body felt the burning pain of Kolya's cock and John huddled in the corner of the shower, trying not to scream.

Part 13

John had no clue how much time had passed before he was able to stand up, wash up and get dressed. He had nothing in the bathroom but the scrubs to wear, so he put them back on. He combed his fingers through his hair and thought about glancing in the mirror, but he was afraid of what he might see.

He didn't want to go back into the other room. He could hear Rodney arguing with Weir. About him. About the restraints. And Rodney was losing the fight. But it meant alot to John, it meant more than he could say, that Rodney was fighting for him. It mattered to John that Rodney believed in him. John realized something else. None of this was going to change if he didn't make it change. Rodney and Beckett were covering up the truth for him. He either had to tell Weir about it himself, or prove to her he was okay. Telling her the truth wasn't an option for John. He knew it would be the wrong thing to do, that it would change the way she looked at him. And he couldn't risk that. He also knew that he was needed by Altantis so he had to get past this. So he would show her he was okay.

That decision made, John took a moment to will his body to stop shaking. Every muscle tensed in protest, but he made it happen. Then he put a half smile on his face as he walked back in the room. John was surprised to see Rodney in Weir's face, screaming at her. So he cleared his throat to get their attention. They didn't hear him. So John shouted, "Hey!"

Rodney went silent and turned to face him. He could see how pale John was, but the slim body was held at attention. Military stance at work. A enforced habit he knew John was putting to good use now. "You okay?" Rodney had to ask.

"I will be." John took a step forward and felt his knees buckle. Between everything that had happened, lack of food, exhaustion and the sedative, his body was worn out and hard to control. He locked his knees and made it the rest of the way to the bed before sinking down upon it. John looked at Elizabeth who had moved to his side. "Sorry...guess I'm still tired."

"What happened, John?" she asked outright. "What's going on with you?"

John sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He had to be careful how he answered her. Finally he looked up and locked eyes with her. "Kolya fucked with me...mind games and shit. He wanted to punish me for killing so many of the Genii. And I guess it's just catching up to me now. I thought I was okay...and I will be. I just...I need some time to rest. I'm just...I'm really tired."

Elizabeth sank down on the bed beside them, one hand coming to rest on his knee. "I'm sorry. Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't think it would affect me this badly." John went for as much of the truth as he could. He felt her hand on his knee and had to fight not to jerk in reaction. He didn't want anyone to touch him right now. It didn't matter that Elizabeth couldn't hurt him, he just didn't want to be touched.

"John?"

He jerked his head up, realizing that she had been talking to him. "I"m sorry. What?"

Elizabeth sighed. "I'm out of my league here...I admit it. I've spoken to Beckett and he thinks that you're suffering from Post Traumatic Stress syndrome and that it problem stems as far back as your med vac missions. Or should I call them Black ops missions?"

"Guess you got into the coded file." Somehow John wasn't surprised. "All the shrinks tell me I internalize to much and that it would catch up to me. Guess it did. Killing sixty people in one day will do that to you." John used this to convince her that this was the hell he was going through. Because if he thought about it long enough, it would be. "What happened in that room...I was feeling trapped. I didn't want to hurt anyone."

"But we both know how dangerous you can be, John. And if you're not in control of yourself...I can't take the chance that someone might get hurt the next time." Elizabeth looked at him with eyes that pleaded for understanding.

John nodded. "Translation...you want me in restraints until you're sure I won't flip out again."

She nodded. "Pretty much."

"Could be a long time, doctor. I'm feeling pretty calm right now." A tiny voice in John's head screamed *Liar*. He was anything but calm. He could feel a cold sweat breaking out on his skin.

"Lock him in his room," Rodney interjected. "And I'll stay with him. I am anyway. Beckett's orders."

Elizabeth frowned. "Why is that, anyway? Why you and not Dr. Beckett?"

Rodney rolled his eyes at her. "Puhleez. He's got more patients to worry about than the major. Besides...I volunteered. I can do my work from in here and the major can help by touching all the Ancient devices I've got stock piled. I mean...the team is grounded until he's better, so now we can focus on the stuff we've found here. Right?"

"I don't know." Weir was clearly undecided. She turned her focus on Sheppard. "Atlantis needs you, John. I need you. But I have to put the safety of everyone first and foremost."

"I agree." John held her gaze. "Do what Rodney said. Lock me in for a while. I don't plan on flipping out again, but better safe than sorry."

Weir sighed. "But what if you hurt Rodney?"

It was Rodney who answered. "He won't. I know that and you should too."

"Yeah.." Elizabeth stood up and nodded. "Bottom line, I trust you, John. But I still need to be cautious."

"I know." John spoke to Weir but he was looking at Rodney. He was surprised by what the man had said in his defense. How could Rodney trust him so explicitly when he couldn't even trust himself. "So...what's it gonna be?" John forced his attention back to Weir.

Elizabeth was silent for a moment then she smiled. "Okay...Consider yourself locked in for the next few days. I'll discuss this further with Dr. Beckett."

John flinched at the name and hoped she wouldn't notice."Fine. Do what you have to do." He slid back against the pillows and was surprised when Elizabeth tugged them over him. "Thanks."

"Get better," she said softly. "I'll check in on you later." With that Elizabeth headed for the door, only to pause by Rodney. "Take care of him."

"I will," Rodney promised. Not that she had to ask. He watched her leave and heard the click of the door sealing.

John sighed and rubbed his eyes. They burned and felt gritty and his entire body ached from an exhaustion that was bone deep. "It's not fair that you're locked in too."

Rodney shrugged. "No problem. When the nurse comes to check on you I'll send her to get the stuff I need. Now....you need to eat something. Teyla brought a kind of stew thing. But it's really like a very thick soup."

"I'm not hungry." John waved a hand at Rodney. "Later."

"Shall we go back to the list?"

John looked at him sharply. "No!"

Rodney sighed as he plopped down into the chair. "This is stuff you have to deal with."

"Not right now. I'm tired, Rodney." John wasn't one to make that kind of confession, but he didn't care anymore. As much as he appreciated what McKay was doing for him, he wanted to be left alone."

"Okay...so tell me, what kind of music do you like?" Rodney asked as he settled himself more comfortably in the chair.

John was surprised by the question. He stared at Rodney for a moment then decided there was no harm in answering. This was Rodney keeping things *Not* personal, per se. "Well...I like alot of country and I firmly believe Johnny Cash might be the second coming."

Rodney looked surprised. "Really? You like Johnny Cash?"

"I take it you don't?" John was a bit amused by Rodney's expression.

"Uh..actually...I love him. I listen to him on my head phones. Have since highschool. He's good to listen too when working on projects." Rodney looked a bit embarrassed.

John understood. "I did the same thing. Only in college."

Rodney smiled. "What else do you like? You strike me as an ecclectic type."

"A little bit of everything. Classic rock to fly by, though." John smiled at the memory. He used to be like the kid in *Iron Eagle* movie, listening to his music as he flew.

"Any classical music?" Rodney looked intrigued.

John shrugged. "Sometimes. I prefer Jazz and blues to listen to and to play." He hadn't meant to say the last bit and he rather hoped Rodney wouldn't pick up on it.

But Rodney never missed anything. "PLay? What do you play? I fool around with the piano a bit, but I'm no good at it. I don't have a feel for it."

"I find that hard to believe," John said softly, and he meant it. And it bothered him a bit how sad Rodney looked. "I fool around with the guitar. Just for fun."

"Bet you're good at it."

John made a face. "I don't play for people much. I play more for myself."

Rodney studied him. "I'd still like to hear you someday."

"Make you a deal...you find a decent guitar and I'll play for you." John was smiling. He figured it was a safe deal to make . The odds of Rodney finding a guitar in Atlantis were slim to none.

"So what about sports?" Rodney was off on another subject. "Typical football player, right?"

John felt a throbbing pain starting in his temples and he rubbed at it. "I ran track and played tennis. Easier teams to get on while moving school to school. Most football teams keep the same players till they graduate. I usually moved every year."

Rodney looked amused. "Tennis?"

"Yep. I can ski and surf and I really miss my skateboard." John was smiling now and it felt real and he realized the tension he had been feeling since coming back to Atlantis was fading. The headache wasn't easing, but that was something he could deal with. He didn't feel so anxious anymore and that was a relief.

"Anything else?" Rodney prompted, and he was suitably impressed.

John considered then chuckled. "Horseback riding. Ever been?"

Rodney made a face. "I'm....uh...I'm rather...scared...of horses." When John laughed Rodney pinned him with a glare. "And if you ever tell anyone I'll make you sorry."

"I would never tell any secrets, Rodney," John countered, the smile fading to be replaced by solemn expression. "You're keeping my secret...I owe you. You know that."

"Yeah...I do. Sorry. I'm kinda touchy about that." Rodney's smile was back in place. "So...what else do you do? You never answered me about the chess thing."

John rubbed his temples again. The pain was more intense. "I'm pretty good. Never did the chess club thing though."

Rodney snorted. "Course not. You'd have to admit to being a closet geek if you did."

"Playing chess does not make you a geek, Rodney," John countered, teasingly. And he wanted to continue with the banter but his head hurt too much and he wanted to sleep for days and wake up to find out that everything had just been a dream. John felt his eyes drift close.

"John?"

He opened his eyes at Rodney's tone. It sounded panicked. "Wha..what?"

Rodney sighed with relief. "You kinda went out on me and made me nervous. Never mind...go to sleep. I'll keep watch."

"You don't...you don't have to watch over me, Rodney," John replied, and his voice was slurred to his own ears.

"I know I don't," Rodney stated. "But I will anyway. Now sleep."

John obeyed. He closed his eyes and let himself drift off into warm darkness.

Part 14

John dreamed of killing Sumner. The image playing then repeating itself in a looping pattern. He remembered, vividly, his brief hesitation. Rememebered the Colonel's nod. Remembered the way Sumner's eyes had locked with his and how they had held acceptance at his fate. Pulling the trigger hadn't been easy.

Then he dreamed about the Wraith keeper. John remembered stabbing her with the Wraith weapon, driving it deep into her belly. He had wanted her to die and she had. And her death had awakened the others. Her death had set the Wraith culling in motion, and John lived with the guilt of all the people on all the world's who would die now because of him.

He dreamed about killing all those Genii who had tried to take control of Atlantis. No regrets at the time but the memory of so many men hitting the shield haunted John. The sound echoed in his head often. More death at his hands. More blood.

Killing Kolya was the most vivid dream. John could feel the blood that slicked his hands. How warm it felt, seeping into his skin, easing the coldness that twisted inside him. John ached for that warmth. He wanted to float in it. But then he realized he was drenched in blood. It stained his skin and dampened his hair and he could smell it, the coppery-sweet stench clung to his nostrils, gagging him. John came awake with a cry, body shaking, heart thudding in his chest, body slicked with a cold sweat and it was a relief to open his eyes and not see the redness from his nightmares. But it didn't change anything. His hands were still stained red with the blood of too many.

"Fuck." John combed his fingers through his hair as he shifted his legs off the bed. He took a moment, willing his body to stop shaking, so that his knees wouldn't buckle when he stood up. But it took a while before he felt stable enough to rise and even so his legs felt like jelly.

As John staggered over to the nearby chair, he realized he was alone. It was then he spotted the note lying on the chair. McKay's handwriting was scrawled across it.

Went to get breakfast. Be back soon. Behave. McKay.

"Jerk." But John was smiling as he said it. But the smile soon faded as his stomach suddenly twisted into knots. John lurched into the bathroom and made it to the toilet in time to empty his stomach. Not that there was much in there but bile. He gagged a bit and was shaking again by the time he flushed and managed to rise to his feet and make his way to the sink. John rinsed his mouth then brushed his teeth before stripping out of his clothes. He felt sweaty and dirty and it had more to do with the memories that lingered in his head than his actual physical condition.

Still it felt like heaven when he stepped under the hot spray of the shower and scrubbed at his skin. But he still could not scrub away the feel of Kolya's touch. Or the feel of him thrusting into John's body. The burn of it and the invasive feeling. John shuddered and closed his eyes and he hated this weakness. "You sonofabitch!" John snarled, as anger flooded his veins. And he clung to it with a sense of desperation. Anger was better than fear. "I won't let you win, you bastard!" he hissed. And John knew that Kolya had been doing just that. Even though the bastard was dead, in a sense he was still violating John and it had to stop. He was stronger than this.

Eyes glowing with determination, John exited the shower and dried off. He went into the bedroom and got dressed and was just lacing on his boots when the doors whooshed open. John was startled, but relaxed when he saw Rodney enter. The other man's arms were full and John jumped up to take some of the stuff. "What is all this?" he asked.

"Breakfast," Rodney replied, as he set the rest of the stuff on the bedside table. "I have coffee and what passes for muffins. I think." Rodney sniffed one."

"What's this stuff?" John gestured to the books in his arms.

Rodney took them from him. "Oh...I figured I could teach you how to read the Ancient language. You're a quick study, for the most part." Rodney's tone was gently teasing. "But we have to eat first."

John shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

"Get hungry." Rodney replied. "You're skin and bones, John."

"Fuck you!" The words were out before John could stop them, but he didn't take them back. He was feeling pissy and he knew Rodney didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of it, but John suddenly wanted to be alone.

Rodney looked stunned. "Okay...what brought that on?"

John glared at him. "Get out and leave me alone!" A part of John wanted to gag himself, but he couldn't seem to hold back his anger. And a part of him knew that Rodney would understand it.

"No." Rodney spoke softly, but firmly. "I'm not going anywhere. Locked in with you..remember?"

"You can leave any time you want. Do it!" John began to pace, ignoring the way his body was shaking. Ignoring how every muscle ached.

Rodney watched him for a moment then he moved to sit down in the chair. "This is a good thing," he stated.

John whirled on him. "What are you talking about?"

"Anger." Rodney heaved a sigh. "When my sister was raped...once she let herself get angry she took the first step towards starting to heal."

"What?" John was stunned by what Rodney was telling him. "Your sister was raped?" He hadn't even known Rodney had a sister.

Sadness glimmered in Rodney's eyes as he nodded. "Yeah....it happened when she was nineteen, in college. Date rape. She was a mess for a long time. Anger is a good sign, John."

Maybe it was but John didn't want to hear it. He didn't acknowledge it. That would mean accepting the truth of what happened to him. To say it out loud. He wasn't ready for that. So he turned away and started pacing again, but found himself having to ask, "Is your sister okay now?"

"Yeah...she's moved on."

"How old is she?"

Rodney hesitated a moment before replying. "She's thirty-two."

John laughed and was chilled by the sound. Good to know that he would be better in 13 years, give or take a few. "Rodney....I really want you to go. Please." John was ready to beg. He felt wired and tense and a part of him was afraid he might explode. That he might hurt Rodney the way Elizabeth had feared.

"I have to tell you something," Rodney countered. And he spoke so softly he wondered if John could hear him.

"Tell me what?" John heard him. He also heard the weariness in his own voice.

Rodney scrubbed a hand over his face and took a moment to gather his courage. "Beckett didn't tell me Kolya raped you," he blurted out.

John reacted as if slapped. Of course Beckett had told him. How else could Rodney have known? John stopped pacing and moved to stand in front of Rodney. "He didn't?" he prompted.

"No. I hacked into his medical database and read your file." Rodney looked up at Sheppard as he spoke.

"Why?" John wasn't sure what he was feeling as he asked. He felt stunned and a bit numb. "Why would you do that?"

Rodney held John's intense gaze. "Because I knew something was wrong and I wanted to help you. And I'd do it again. I don't regret it. And I told you so that you won't hold it against Carson. You should blame him for fucking up the other thing, but not for this. He didn't betray your privacy."

John found that to be funny. "No...just my trust," he muttered beneath his breath. He turned away and meant to go back to pacing but instead he slumped down on the end of the bed. "I'm glad you know," John whispered. And it was as much of a confession as he could make right now.

"Yeah..um.." Rodney got up and retrieved the paper Beckett had given him. "We really need to go over the list, and you really need to eat."

"Whatever." John didn't want to argue anymore. And he realized that by not eating he was allowing himself to stay weak. And he didn't want that anymore. It meant letting Kolya win again. So he accepted the muffin and took a bite. He then gestured to the list. "Look...I'm okay. If something is wrong I promise to tell you."

Rodney eyed him for a moment then nodded. "Okay. Fair enough." He grabbed his own muffin and they ate in silence for a moment.

John finished first. He grabbed his cup of coffee and washed down the food. It felt stuck in his throat. Then he jumped up and began pacing again. He was feeling restless. Trapped. Suddenly he knew what he needed to do. So he moved to the side of the bed and sat down on the floor.

"What are you doing?" Rodney asked.

"Sit ups," John replied, as he laid back then crunched up.

Rodney's eyes went wide. "Uh...I don't think you should do that. You're still weak, John."

John rolled his eyes. "Duh. Which is why I need to exercise." He stopped and patted the floor, smirking at Rodney. "Why don't you come join me. A little exercise would do you good, Rodney."

"Pass." Rodney reached for his lap top. "I have work to do." But even though he opened the top his eyes were on Sheppard.

"Whatever." John tuned Rodney out as he did sit up after sit up. And even when his muscles began to scream in protest, John kept going. And with each one he felt like he had won a little victory against Kolya.

***

John heard voices. He realized he had fallen asleep and he blinked his eyes open and turned his head to see Elizabeth in the corner of his room, chatting with Rodney. A moment later Rodney came over to the bed.

"Hey, sleepy head. Welcome back."

"How long was I out?" John winced at how his voice croaked out the words.

Rodney glanced at his watch. "About four hours." He handed over a glass of water. "Um..Elizabeth wants to talk to you so...I'll be back soon."

John nodded then finished gulping down the water. He leaned over to set it on the table but found a hand taking it from him . He nodded to Elizabeth. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." She sat down on the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." John was relieved that he could tell the truth for once. He smiled as he scooched back to rest against the headboard. "What's up?"

Elizabeth locked eyes with him. "I've been talking with Dr. Beckett...he's outside."

John felt himself tense up. "Oh. Really? Why?"

"He was hasn't done a check up on you in a few days. I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine." John was careful not to let his voice betray the fear he felt flooding through him.

Elizabeth studied him. "I need to hear that from Carson. He's convinced me, as has Rodney, that you don't need to be locked in your room. In fact, Rodney has suggested letting you return to light duty."

John was surprised to hear that, but pleased. He was starting to feel like he was suffocating in his room. "So...you're telling me that if I let Carson examine me then I can return to work?"

"Yes." Elizabeth smiled gently. "You'll be Atlantis bound, but you can keep an eye on outgoing missions and you can help Rodney in his lab."

"Fine." John didn't let himself hesitate. If he could do this then it was proof that Kolya hadn't broken him. "Bring in the good doc."

Elizabeth nodded and rose from the bed. She went to the door and a moment later returned with Beckett.

John smiled at the doctor, but he knew it was a cold curving of his lips. Still he managed not to shake when Carson gripped his wrist to take his pulse. He even managed to keep smiling as Beckett checked his eyes, his BP and listened to his heart. "Done?" John asked. He wasn't shaking but he knew he was tense. He ached with tension.

"Done." Beckett replied, and he looked apologetically at Sheppard. Turning to Weir Beckett said, "He looks good. He needs to eat more and to not over do, but I think he'll be fine for returning to light duty starting tomorrow."

"Good." Elizabeth looked pleased. She smiled at John. "I'll be watching you though, Major. I want to make sure you are all right."

John nodded. "I'm fine. Thanks." He kept his smile in place. Barely.

Elizabeth patted his shoulder. "Get some more rest and I'll see you in the morning." With that she left, taking Beckett with her.

"Fuck!" John whispered, when he was alone again. He pushed off the bed and ran for the bathroom. He was still on his knees, gagging over the toilet, when he sensed a presence. He didn't need to look to know who it was.

Rodney knelt beside him. "What can I do to help?" he asked.

John accepted the damp towel Rodney offered him. He wiped his face, then his mouth, then whispered, "Just stay with me."

Part 15

The next morning John sent Rodney home. The man had stayed the night with him, dozing in a nearby chair. John had taken a good look at him. Rodney was exhausted, because of him. So he sent Rodney off to get some sleep then he had stretched out on the floor for mor situps and a few rounds of push ups. After that John jumped in the shower, washed up and got dressed. He had a plan. In three weeks he was going to be cleared to go back on missions. Kolya be damned.

The first thing John did was seek out Dr. Beckett. Not because he wanted to but because he had too. One reason being to keep Elizabeth from becoming suspicious, but the other was more important. John's stomach was bothering him, for various reasons. He knew he had to eat to get his strength back. He knew he needed nourishment. So he explained this to Beckett and the doctor gave him a supply of protein drinks. After two days John would be able to start eating solid food again and keep it down. At least that was the plan.

John was proud of himself. After leaving the infirmary he had deposited his food supply in his room and managed to drink one can without wanting to throw up. The bit of nausea he felt was doable and he realized part of that came from having spent time in Beckett's presence. John knew the man didn't mean to mess with him, to hurt him, but on an emotional level it wasn't so easy to accept. But John was determined to get through this.

He glanced at his watch and had over an hour before he was to report to Elizabeth for his duties. So John went in search of Teyla. She and Ford had been enjoying down time during his convalescence, so to speak. They had accepted the fact that Kolya had tortured him, without knowing what the torture was. They had accepted his avoidance of them with good grace and John was grateful. Rodney had told him that Ford was heading small excursions with the scientists to various worlds and that Teyla had been spending much of her time on the mainland with her people.

But John found her working out in the rec area and he stood and watched her for a moment. She was pure grace, but also skill and strength as she moved about with her sticks. Which was why he had come to her. When she whirled and saw him standing there, John stepped forward "That's amazing, Teyla," he offered in greeting.

"Thank you, major," she replied. "It is good to see you. You are well again?"

"Getting there." John shrugged. "Sorry about kind of shutting you guys out. It's been rough...but I'm better."

Teyla smiled. "All that matters is your recovery."

John appreciated that. "Thank you. Say...could you teach me what you do? With the sticks?" He gestured to them.

"Do you think you are strong enough?" Teyla studied him. "You are pale and have lost weight, major. I will be happy to teach you but perhaps we should wait?"

"I'm good..really. And we'll take it slow. I need to do something." John was ready to beg if he had too. This was important to him for reasons he didn't even want to think about right now.

Teyla considered then nodded. "As you wish. I will show you the moves and you can follow to learn them. Then we will put them into play."

John was pleased. "Sounds like a plan." He accepted a second set of sticks from Teyla then took up a stance behind her. Then he watched her move and he, slowly, followed.

***

John's days fell into a pattern. He had convinced Elizabeth he could handle overseeing all the offworld teams to free her up for other things until he was able to go back through the gate himself with his own team. Which he had informed her he planned to be able to do soon. She had countered with the fact that he would have to be cleared by Beckett and John had accepted that, having already known.

So he started each day with a work out with Teyla, which he followed up with sit ups and push ups and a short run. He would shower, get dressed and make his way to the gate room. At the end of the day he would join Ford for a meal and a few laughs. Then he would go to Rodney's lab. Rodney was teaching John how to read Ancient. And in between he would touch things for him. Today was a bit different. They had discovered a door no one could get open. The gene didn't seem to work nor did trying to bypass the electrical in the usual way. Rodney had run out of ideas and was frustrated.

John was amused to listen to him gripe as they made their way down the corridor to the door. This felt right and normal. The way it was supposed to be. Rodney wasn't handling him with kid gloves anymore and John appreciated that more than he could say. They didn't talk about what happened anymore and that was another thing John was grateful for. Although Rodney tended to slip in reminders that he was there for John if he wanted to talk. Usually during their nightly game of chess. John was on a winning streak which drove Rodney insane. It was a good way to relax before trying to sleep, although John had given in and asked Beckett for some pills to help him. But only because he knew that he needed to be rested in order to get back out on missions.

"The damn thing is probably broke," Rodney was muttering, as he led Sheppard down a long corridor. They made a turn then Rodney pointed. "There..that's the stupid door. Go ahead and touch it, not that anything will happen. Everyone with the gene has tried...well...other than you. So it's not going to work but I figured maybe you'd think of something we haven't. Not that you will of course but --"

"Shh!" John hissed at his friend, but he was smiling as he did it. He chuckled when Rodney glared at him and it was a good thing. Another moment of complete normalcy. John stepped up to the door and studied it. After a moment he pressed his hand against what should be the panel to make it open. Nothing happened. So John closed his eyes and thought it open and a moment later there was a whooshing sound.

Rodney gaped at the open door. "Sonofabitch! How did you do that?"

John shrugged. He couldn't really explain it. "Is that it?"

"No." Rodney got in his face. "I'm serious, major. How did you get it to open? This is important."

"I just thought it open." John took a step back. Rodney was getting into his personal space and that bothered him. As much as John trusted Rodney, and there was no one on Atlantis he trusted more, he still didn't like anyone getting too close to him.

Rodney followed John, crowding him without thinking. He opened his mouth to ask another question but it snapped shut as he found himself shoved back so hard he hit the wall.

John was horrified by what he had done, but he was angry enough not to apologize for it. And it was an anger that had been simmering below the surface for the past week. More and more often he found himself having to control it and sometimes he shook with the effort. At the moment he glared at Rodney, finding that control elusive. "Leave me the fuck alone!" John snapped at him, then he turned and ran down the corridor, seeking a place to be alone.

He ended up running. Faster and farther down corridors he had never been in. John ran until his thigh muscles burned and the stitch in his side made him gasp in pain. He ran until he stumbled then his legs gave out and he hit the floor hard. He found it hard to breathe and didn't care. When blackness swirled over him he almost wept with relief. So he never felt the hands that smoothed his damp hair back. Never saw the fear and worry in Rodney's eyes. Or the promise the other man made him.

Part 16

He dreamed of flying, his first time in a helicopter. The sensation had been amazing, like freefalling only better. And it had been in that moment John knew he wanted to fly. His father had wanted him to join the Marines but John had known it had to be the Air Force. He wanted to fly everything and he pretty much had. But now he wanted to fly away and be free but his wings had been clipped and now he was falling. Always falling.

"NO!" John came awake with a start, hear thudding hard against his rib cage, a sheen of cold sweat on his skin made him shiver and he drew the blankets up around him. And that's when it hit him. He was in his room.

"John?"

He turned to find Rodney standing next to the bed. Heaving a sigh and easing back against the pillows, the blankets still drawn over him, John asked, "Guess I passed out?"

Rodney nodded. "Scared the shit out of me too. What were you thinking?"

"I dunno. I felt trapped." John rubbed at his forehead, trying to relieve the ache that pounded there. "Thanks."

"For what?" Rodney looked surprised.

John smiled at him. "I'm guessing I have you to thank for me being here and not in the infirmary."

Rodney shrugged. "Carson knows it's for the best right now."

"Yeah." John didn't much to say to that. It hit him suddenly that Carson would have examined him while he was out of it. That thought made him shiver and it made him angry that he was reacting this way. He should be over this shit by now.

"You okay?" Rodney sat down on the edge of the bed and studied Sheppard.

John shrugged. He knew he couldn't lie to Rodney. "I will be. Just tired. And tired of being tired. You know?"

Rodney looked sad for a moment, then he smiled softly and nodded. "Yeah...I know. Hey...can I get you anything?"

"No...I'm good." What John wanted Rodney couldn't get for him. He wanted to be able to forget the past few weeks. He was about to ask for some water when a knock sounded.

"I'll get it." Rodney got up and ushered Weir in.

She moved to the bed. "How are you feeling, major?"

John forced a lopsided grin. He had to make sure that Weir remained convinced that he was okay. "I'm a little tired but I'm okay. Guess I over did it a bit."

"I guess so." Elizabeth smiled at him. "You don't have to rush anything, John. You still have your team for when you're ready."

"I'd like to make a trial run next week, if Beckett clears me." John knew what he was asking, of her and of himself. But he had to test the waters. It was the only way he could get past this. He had to go back to doing what he was supposed to do. And feeling sorry for himself was not it.

Elizabeth looked surprised but recovered and studied John for a moment. "You sure you're ready for this?"

John decided to be honest with her. "I dunno. That's kind of what I want to find out. I need to know if I can do this now. I'm not getting any younger you know?" Surprisingly it felt good to joke about it.

"All right." Elizabeth nodded at him. "If Dr. Beckett clears you we'll give it a shot."

"Thanks." John was truly grateful to her for giving him this chance. "You know that if I don't think I can handle it...I won't put my team at risk."

A smile curved Elizabeth's mouth. "I know. That's why I'm willing to give you the go ahead. I know you put your team first, John. Now..why don't I leave so you can get some more rest. You still look worn out."

John felt worn out. "Thanks," he called after her, as Elizabeth walked to the door. He watched her chatting with Rodney for a moment, then Rodney returned to his side. "So...did you stay with me?" John didn't really have to ask. He knew Rodney had been here for him.

"I caught up on some paper work." Rodney grinned and gestured to his laptop on the table. "Are you sure I can't get you anything? Chocolate? Athosian ale? A good book?"

"Pizza?" John countered, almost hopefully. He really missed pizza and beer.

Rodney sighed and patted his stomach. "I've almost forgotten what Pizza tastes like. There was this great little mom and pop place just down the block from my apartment building. They made the best deep dish pizza."

John moaned at the thought. Deep dish was his favorite too. "What do you like on it?"

"Mushrooms and sausage. Grease...grease...grease.."

"What..no anchovies?" John teased.

Rodney made a gagging sound. "Puhleez. So how do you take your pizza?"

John shrugged. "I'm easy. So long as it doesn't have onions or anchovies..I'm good to go."

"I miss pizza." Rodney sighed.

"I miss beer." John laughed but it soon faded. He didn't feel like laughing. It felt forced and awkward and he was tired of having to try so damn hard to be normal."

Rodney was watching him. "Stop trying so hard," he offered. "It'll get better, John. I promise."

More than anything, John wanted to believe him. But he wasn't sure he could. And he felt himself getting angry for no reason. Irritated with everything, even Rodney's presence. He glared at him. "I'm tired." It was a not so subtle hint to leave.

"John....I know what you're going through."

"No..you don't!" The words were gritted out through clenched teeth. "Leave me alone, Rodney."

But Rodney didn't move. "You need to talk about it. You know I'm right. You can't pretend it didn't happen. Pretending won't make it go away."

John could not believe what he was hearing. "I'm not pretending anything!"

"You think you can will away what you feel, John. That you can control everything. Well you can't. You have to accept that."

"Get out!" John felt a red haze of anger wash over him. When Rodney didn't budge he screamed at him. "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Rodney flinched a bit then stood up. "You can't even say the word, John. You can't even say that you were raped. And until you can do that...you're not going to get better."

John was beyond furious now. "FUCK YOU! Fuck YOU, Rodney! Get out!" John reacted without thinking. There was a reading lamp on the bed table and he grabbed it and hurled it across the room to make his point. He was out of the bed and looking for something else to throw when the whooshing sound the doors make reached his ears. John realized Rodney had left but he wasn't any less angry. He saw War and Peace sitting on the table and he hurled that into the wall as well. But it didn't make him feel any better. "Stupid fucking idiot!" he cursed himself as he slid down the wall to sit on the floor with his knees drawn up. He wasn't angry at Rodney, he was mad at himself for losing control again. John banged his head against the wall, over and over again, wishing he could beat himself into oblivion.

***

The week passed. John apologized to Rodney who accepted it graciously. Which should have made things better, but John felt worse. He was getting stronger physically but he was finding it harder and harder to control his temper. He would snap at people over the most trivial things and have to apologize. Which made him angry at himself. So he worked hard to control the anger to the point where he often ended up with a headache and the need to down several aspirin just to get to sleep at night. But John was determined to get back out into the field and he drew that determination around him like a protective cloak when the time came to be examined by Beckett to get his clearance.

"How are you feeling, major?" Carson asked, as Sheppard sat down on the exam table.

"I'm good." John's tone was clipped. He felt angry and unsettled and he knew it was because of Beckett's presence. He felt a cold anger towards the man, but John was determined to overcome it. If he could get through this he could deal with anything. So he said nothing other than to answer Beckett's few questions. He didn't move a muscle as he was poked and prodded and when it was over John felt surreally calm. "Do I get my clearance?" he asked Beckett, directly.

Carson nodded. "Aye. I can't see any reason not to let you go. At least not physically. And you seem able to function socially and you're eating and sleeping so you're good to go. But remember this first mission is a test, major."

John nodded as he slipped off the table. "I'm well aware of that." He said nothing more, he simply turned and left the infirmary. And found himself heading for the exercise arena. He was glad to find Teyla there and John pushed her to put him through his paces. By the time they were done they were both tired and sweaty.

"You have learned well, Major Sheppard," Teyla stated with a touch of pride.

"You're a good teacher. Thank you." Sheppard was sincere and he appreciated all that she had done for him. Her lessons had helped him to focus again.

Teyla nodded at him. "I sense that you are troubled though. Do you wish to talk about it?"

John wiped his face with a towel then shook his head at her. "There's nothing to talk about."

"I sense that you are in pain. In your soul." Teyla reached out to touch his chest, over his heart.

"Don't you start!" John snapped at her, as he flinched back from her touch. "I get enough of this shit from Rodney!" The moment the words were out, John regretted them. But he didn't apologize. He simply dropped the sticks and the towel and stormed out of the room.

***

"You look happy, major," Weir stated, as she joined him at the Gate.

John knew he was grinning from ear to ear. He was finally going through the gate again. His team was with him. He had apologized to Teyla, and all was right with his world. Or it would be soon. John was dying to go through the gate. "Today is a good day for an adventure," he stated.

Weir nodded. "Just be careful."

"I will." He knew what she was asking. John turned to his teammates. "Ready?" When they nodded he looked at Weir.

"Dial it up," she ordered Grodin.

John turned to watch as the gate formed it's puddle. Then he waved to Weir before leading his team into another world. And when he stepped out into what looked like paradise, John was finally sure that his nightmare was over.

***

For the next two weeks things were good. John had been on three missions and all had gone well. It wore him out a bit but he slept without dreaming for the first time since Kolya had grabbed him, and John felt like he was back to normal. There had been one run in with the Wraith, which they had handled well. Ford had taken a stun blast but had recovered quickly and everyone was ready for another mission. So they took the Jumper to Beladona. Teyla had traded there with her father when she was a child and remembered them as having what the Atlantis team would consider live stock. Everyone was excited over the thought of having real meat to eat again. Teyla was a bit repulsed by it, but she was still willing to guide them.

All had gone well at first until the raiders had shown up. John's team was outnumbered and one of them had put a knife to Rodney's throat so the team had surrendered their weapons. They had been led off to a structure that contained three rooms. The raiders had grabbed John and shoved him into a seperate room.

He remained still as the leader approached him. John knew what was coming. A pat down. The raiders had already done a search of Mckay, Teyla and Ford. John figured he had been brought in here so that he and the leader could chat. Which suited him just fine. John would make sure they understood each other and then he'd make sure he and his team were headed back to Atlantis.

The leader nodded to his men to leave the room. Then he approached.

John watched him carefully. He was a brute of a guy, at least five inches taller than himself and built like a pro wrestler. "So..ready to negotiate?" John stated.

"Turn around," the leader ordered.

"I don't think so." John was ready to stand his ground but found himself grabbed and slammed into the wall. A heavy weight pressed against him, pinning him, and before he could react he felt a hardness pressing into his ass and a hand groping between his legs. John felt a haze of white-hot anger wash over him. Then he reacted.

Part 17

John slammed his head bad, his head ringing as he hit his target and by the howl of pain that echoed in his ear, he had broken the leader's nose. The other man stagged back off of John so he whirled around and let his fists fly. At one point the raider got in a good punch that stagged him back into the wall, cracking his head into it. And that stunned John long enough to take a hit in the ribs, but that pain focused him again and he pummeled the bastard to the ground. Then he took back his own gun, the beretta, that the raider had tucked into his pants.

Stepping over the prone figure, John made his way back into the other room and was surprised to find it empty. As was the third room. Although he should have figured as much since no one had come running during their fight and the raider had howled loud enough to wake the dead when John smashed his nose. Going back to the downed Raider, John retrieved his radio and his flak vest then he set out to find his team.

***

Weir was waiting by the gate when the the team came through. It had taken John over a day to track his people and rescue them. "Is everyone okay?" she asked, as she studied them one by one.

Ford nodded. "We're fine, ma'am. Thanks to the major."

"You look a little beat up, Lt," Weir commented.

"Nothing serious," Ford replied.

Weir frowned. "I want all of you to check in with Dr. Beckett.," she ordered, then she turned her attention to Sheppard. "What happened?"

John moved with her off to the side as the others headed off to the infirmary. "You know how it goes," he stated. "Shit happens." He knew he was being a bit flippant but he was still coasting on an adrenaline high and he wanted nothing more than to take a long shower. He could still feel the heavy weight of the raider pressing into him, and the groping hand. John felt dirty, inside and out. And in spite of feeling a bit hyped up, he knew he was exhausted and he wanted to sleep.

"Are you okay?" Weir was watching him with narrowed eyes.

"I'm fine. I was the lucky one." John curved his lips into a cocky smile and was glad when Elizabeth seemed to buy it as genuine. "I just need to get cleaned up and sleep for about a week.

Weir hesitated then nodded. "Okay. But check in with Beckett."

John shrugged at her then headed off. He made it to his quarters and dumped his gear on the floor, then headed straight for the shower. He sighed as the hot water flowed over his body but winced when his soapy hands ran over his bruised ribs. The Raider had nailed him a good one. John had a headache as well, from his contact with the wall, but he had aspirin to deal with his aches and pains. No way in hell was he going to go see Beckett.

Everything had been going so well. John knew he should have expected it to come to an abrupt end. His team getting kidnapped he could have dealt with, and he had. But the what the raider had done had touched off the fear he had tried so hard to banish. "What the fuck am I doing wrong?" John snarled out loud as he washed himself over and over again until the water ran cold. He could still feel the raider's groping hand on his crotch and the hardness pressing into his ass. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" John asked himself as he turned the water off then slid down the wet wall. He was shivering and knew it was from more than the cold. He knew he should get out and dry off but he couldn't move. He felt frozen and numb. But then he got angry again and the heat of that anger got him to his feet and out of the shower. John dried off and pulled on sweat pants, socks and a tee shirt, then he slipped into bed. He hauled the covers over himself, his body still trembling, and closed his eyes. To his relief he slid instantly into sleep.

***

John came awake to the sound of snoring and it was a sound that he recognized. His eyelids felt glued shut but he pried them open and focused on the figure slumped in the chair in the corner. It was Rodney. John felt the anxiety that had made his body taut as a wire, fade away. He relaxed into the pillows and simply listened to Rodney breathe. It was like a soothing balm to his soul. John felt twisted inside. He had dreamed again, reliving what Kolya had done to him and it felt like losing ground. He had worked so damn hard in the past few weeks to rid himself of his demons. And just one stupid incident sent him reeling backwards.

Cold anger washed over John. Anger at himself for being so weak. He tossed back the covers and made to roll out of bed but he bit back a groan as pain stabbed in his ribs and thudded in his temples. He had forgotten his injuries. John knew he had to be careful not to reveal his physical weakness. If Weir found out she would send him to Beckett and John wasn't about to go anywhere near the man. So he lay back a moment to catch his breath and the pain eased. Glancing over at Rodney, John was relieved to see that he was still sound asleep. So once again he attempted to get out bed, moving more carefully this time. He made it to his feet and headed for the bathroom. After relieving himself and brushing his teeth, John pulled on socks and sneakers then he headed out the door, leaving Rodney to sleep in peace.

Because of his injuries, John knew he wouldn't be able to do his usual work out with Teyla, or even sit ups and push ups. But he could still run and the physical activity kept him focused. So he ran to the east sector of Atlantis and back and he felt pumped up on adrenaline by the time he got back to his room. Rodney was gone, which bothered John a little but he pushed those thoughts aside. He was soaked in sweat but it felt cleansing. So John showered and got dressed then headed for the messhall. He knew he needed to eat. He had to stay strong. Kolya might have one this battle, but John was determined to win the war.

Once he reached the dining area he spotted Rodney at a table with both Weir and Beckett. His first instinct was to turn and leave but Weir had spotted him and called him over. So John forced a smile and made his way over to the table. Rodney gestured to the empty chair and John sat down, gingerly, hoping no one noticed the grimace of pain that he tried to hide.

Thankfully, Rodney started talking about some new artifact that Zalenka had discovered in one of the laboratories. "It's fascinating really," Rodney stated. "I think it might be something of a personal effect."

"In what way?" Weir looked intrigued.

"That's the part I can't figure out. But it looks like it might be like a keepsake box of some kind. There's writing on it but it's faded, which is unusual in itself."

Weir nodded. "I'd like to see it."

Rodney smiled at her. "I'll bring it by later." That said he looked at John. "Any plans for today?"

"Any missions for us?" John countered, looking at Weir.

"Not yet. I think your team has earned a few days off." Weir smiled and pushed back her chair. "Doctor Beckett tells me you're all fine but rest up anyway." WIth that she smiled at them all before walking off.

John was stunned. He knew damn well he hadn't been to see Beckett so he was surprised that the doctor had cleared him. But when he looked at the other man, Beckett simply nodded at him then pushed back his chair to rise and excuse himself.

Rodney tapped the table to get John's attention. "I asked Carson to clear you and he agreed."

"I see. Thanks." John wasn't sure what else to say.

"Where did you go?" Rodney looked worried. "You were gone when I woke up. You should have woke me up."

John heard a bit of accusation in Rodney's tone and that irritated him but he let it slide. He owed Rodney big time. "I went for a run."

Rodney looked relieved. "So you're okay then?"

"Sure...why do you ask?" John felt a niggling of suspicion. He felt rather like he was out of the loop on something.

"No reason really." Rodney picked at a hangnail. "You just were restless last night. You were dreaming."

John was stunned at this revelation. "Did I say anything?" He was suddenly terrified that he might have said something about Kolya or worse, something about the Raider.

But Rodney shook his head. "You didn't really say anything, John. You were just...restless."

"Oh." John should have felt relieved but he had the feeling Rodney wasn't being entirely honest. But he didn't want to get into it with him so he let it go. "Thanks for staying with me last night. You don't have to do that. I'm fine."

"I know. I stayed because it made me feel better." Rodney looked nervous and stood up. "I should probably get that box delivered to Elizabeth. Maybe you could come by the lab later? I have a few things I'd like you to touch for me."

John nodded. "Sure." After everything Rodney had done for him, it was the least he could do in return.

Rodney smiled. "Great. Look..eat something, okay? Otherwise you're going to end up in the infirmary."

"I'll eat!" John snapped. God he was tired of being told what to do. He knew he was overreacting but he suddenly felt like a lab rat in a cage. Always on display and everyone was watching him.

"Okay." Rodney stared at him for a moment before turning away. With shoulders slumped he left the messhall.

John felt a rush of guilt. "Fuck!" He wasn't mad at Rodney and he knew he wasn't being fair. John kicked the chair Beckett had been sitting in then he got up and went after Rodney. But he couldn't catch up to the other man. Halfway there John felt a stitch in his side and a wave of dizziness made him slump against the wall. Once it passed he made his way back to his room and stretched out on the bed. He told himself he was just tired. And so he slept and he dreamed, and when he woke up Rodney wasn't there.

***

John didn't get better. During the course of the next three days he got worse and it got harder to hide it. But he managed to do just that, hiding his pain from Elizabeth and Ford. Teyla had commented on the fact he was skipping their workouts and John gave her some lame excuse which she seemed to accept. But he couldn't hide the truth from Rodney. John tried to avoid him but the other man hunted him down, cornering John in his room.

"You have to see Beckett, John." Rodney was adamant. His arms were folded across his chest as he glared at John.

"No." That was John's only reply. He was too tired and in too much pain to even attempt to argue with Rodney or to reason with him. "Leave me alone, Rodney."

But Rodney shook his head at him. "You're sick, John. Any fool can see that."

John started to laugh but it turned into a cough that made his insides twist with pain. He curled his arm against his ribs and tried to breathe softly to ease the coughing. Then he tried to stand up but his knees buckled and the last thing John saw before darkness claimed him was the fear that glimmered in Rodney's blue eyes.

Part 18

He woke up feeling disoriented and unsettled and it got worse when he opened his eyes and recognized where he was. The infirmary. John closed his eyes again and tried to remember how he came to be here. His head ached and when he shifted on the narrow bed, his ribs protested and John remembered being in his room with Rodney.

"How do you feel?"

John's eyes flew open and locked on Rodney's blue ones, which glimmered with concern. "You tell me," John countered, and his voice sounded hoarse to his ears. He coughed a bit and pressed a hand to his side.

Rodney poured a glass of water and held it for him. "Take a sip."

A few swallows later and John felt better. He rubbed a hand over his face and felt the thickness of a few days stubble. "Thanks," he said to Rodney, then he asked, "How long have I been here?"

"Two days. You've been pretty out of it." Rodney pulled a stool up next to the bed and sat down.

"You look like I feel," John stated, as he studied the other man. Rodney looked exhausted and John could relate.

Rodney shrugged. "I stuck around to make sure you'd be allright."

John realized what he meant. What it all meant. He had been in the infirmary, under Beckett's care, for two days. The thought gave John the creeps and he felt himself shudder in reaction. And it made him angry that he could not control this feeling. He felt trapped again and he wasn't going to let himself be weak. Not anymore. So he tossed back the covers, ignoring the pain his action caused in both head and ribs. Then he shifted his legs off the bed only to find a hand on his shoulder. John shrugged it off.

"Where do you think you're going?" Rodney let his hand fall but he didn't move out of Sheppard's way.

"Out of here!" John glared at Rodney. Of all people the Astrophysicist knew how John felt about Beckett. "Get out of my way, Rodney."

But Rodney didn't budge. "You're stuck here for the next few days, John."

That was not acceptable. "Like hell I am!" John pushed at Rodney and gasped as the motion pulled on his ribs. He swayed a bit and would have tumbled off the bed if strong hand's hadn't gripped his shoulders, easing him back.

"What's going on?" It was Weir who asked the question and she had Dr. Beckett with her.

"I'm getting the hell out of Dodge!" John snapped at her. He wasn't in the mood to be nice. All that mattered was getting away from here.

Beckett moved to the other side of the bed, hovering a bit, but not touching Sheppard. "You need to lie back down, major," he said stressed, somewhat urgently.

Rodney echoed Beckett. "That's right, major...you need to lie down and rest." He spoke pointedly, his eyes boring into Sheppard's.

But John wasn't listening. He was focused on getting away.

"Dr. Weir...could you step out for a moment while Rodney and I get the major settled back into bed?" Beckett interjected.

"Of course." Elizabeth nodded and stepped out of the area.

Rodney glared at John. Listen...you either get back in bed or be prepared to tell Elizabeth the truth about what happened with Kolya. Do you hear me?"

John heard him and was stunned. But suddenly the message Rodney was sending sank in and he realized what he was doing. He didn't want to stay here but there were no more excuses that he could offer Weir if he didn't. And as much as John did not want to be around Beckett, he didn't want to get him into trouble, nor did he want Weir to learn about what happened to him. John looked at Rodney and whispered,"I hear you."

"Okay....it'll be okay, John." As he spoke, Rodney eased Sheppard back onto the bed and against the pillows. Then he drew the covers over him. "You can do this," he said softly, but firmly.

"I know." John spoke with conviction, ignoring the tiny voice in his head that called him a liar. He would do this, if only to prove to himself that he could. "Tell Elizabeth she can come back in."

Beckett called to her then excused himself for the moment.

John could barely hide his relief. He felt hyped up and tense in Beckett's presence. But now he was able to relax a bit and managed to smile at Weir. But it wobbled a bit when he saw her face. She was angry...at him. "What did I do wrong now?" John asked, hoping he would be able to appease her.

"Why didn't you tell anyone you were hurt?" Elizabeth demanded. "And when the hell did it happen anyway? Off world? Because Beckett cleared you from the last mission."

"That's my fault," John interjected quickly. "I lied to him."

Weir sighed and crossed her arms over her chest as she locked her eyes on Sheppard's face. "Why?" It was a command more than a question.

John winced and told her as much of the truth as he could. "I thought I was okay." That was a moment of complete honesty. John had fooled himself into believing he was finally okay. Stupid fool that he was. He ran a hand through his hair and it was his turn to sigh. "You know I'm not fond of this place...and I thought I'd get better."

"You thought wrong." Elizabeth stated the obvious.

"Yeah...sorry." John meant it and hoped this would appease her.

She moved closer and shook her head. "Just so you know I've ordered Carson to keep you here until you've made a full recovery. Which means you'll be here for another five days or more."

John felt a surge of anger but kept a lid on it for the moment. He couldn't stay here that long. He would go crazy. "Elizabeth...I'm fine. Really. A few days resting in my room and I'll be good to go." He let his eyes plead with her to believe him. But he could see that she didn't.

"I'm sorry, major...but my orders are final."

"Why?" He spoke softly but he could hear the anger that sharpened his tone.

Elizabeth held his glare. "Because I don't trust you to take care of yourself, and I need you to be okay, John. Atlantis needs you."

No pressure there, John thought, but kept it to himself. He knew he was stuck here so he didn't bother to argue. What mattered most was keeping his secret. Which meant staying put. So he would deal. "Okay...fine." John shrugged at her as if unconcerned. "I'll stay."

"Good. I have a meeting to get to but I'll be back later to visit." Elizabeth reached out and patted Sheppard on the shoulder before departing.

"Fuck.." John muttered beneath his breath when she was gone.

Rodney had been hovering in the background, but now he moved up to the bed and studied John. "Maybe this is for the best. You don't take care of yourself, John. And Elizabeth is right...Atlantis needs you."

John didn't want to hear that. Not now. He felt as if he had already failed Atlantis and everyone on it. That Rodney was the one pressuring him made John feel pissy. "Don't you have something to do?" He snapped back. "Somewhere else?" John expected Rodney to snark back at him but the other man simply nodded.

"I do have some things to take care of in the lab," Rodney allowed. "I'll come by after supper to keep you company."

"Whatever." John felt irritated and grumpy and tired. Bone-deep weary and he shifted onto his side, curling up into a ball, his back to Rodney. He knew it was stupid but he felt betrayed by the other man.

Rodney said nothing more, he simply walked out.

John listened to the echo of his footsteps and felt very much alone. His entire body ached and the ache throbbed inside him as well. He felt edgy and anxious and as tired as he was, John knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. He heard footsteps approaching and he turned his head, rather hoping to see Rodney's face. But it was one of the nurses who approached him.

"I've come to give you something to help you sleep, major," she said quietly, as she pulled a syringe out of her pocket and uncapped it.

"Great." John tried to keep his tone light and made the effort to smile at her. She was a good nurse and had tended to him in the past. He watched her inject the sedative into the tubing attached to the IV bag and it was only then that John realized he had a needle taped onto the back of his left hand. God he was so out of it. But suddenly it didn't matter. Not when he could feel the warmth of the drug seeping into his blood. It sent a soothing tingle throughout his body and John let his eyes drift closed. Then he felt the darkness wrap around him and he welcomed the escape.

***

"Hello, major."

John whirled around and was stunned to see Kolya standing there, smiling at him. He shook his head. "No...no! You're dead!"

Kolya shrugged. "Not in your head, major. I'll always be in your head and you will always feel the imprint of me on your body. My sweat slicking your skin...my tongue in your mouth, tasting you....my cock buried deep in your ass, fucking you...."

"NO!" John screamed at him and he wanted to attack Kolya but he couldn't move. He couldn't run either. He couldn't breathe. His lungs burned with the effort to draw in air and he felt cold and sick and he was shaking and Kolya simply stood there, staring at him. Smiling at John and mocking him. "You bastard!" he snarled, forcing his body to move. Forcing him closer. But when he finally reached Kolya the man vanished and John found himself clutching at thin air. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Major! Wake up, laddie! Wake up!"

John recognized that voice and his eyes snapped open. He saw Beckett's face looming over him and remembered where he was. The infirmary. Kolya had only been a dream. But the hands pinning him down on the bed were very real and John glared at the doctor. "Let go of me!" he gritted out.

Carson released him immediately, but remained close by as he watched Sheppard shift around so that he was sitting up. "How's the pain?" he asked.

"Peachy." John welcomed the stabbing in his ribs, it helped to distract him from the images that still floated in his head. Only a dream but it had seemed so real. And in some ways it was real. Dream Kolya hadn't lied. He was still in John's head and he had left his imprint on John's body. Still feeling cold, John pulled the blanket closer around him.

"I need to check your vitals," Carson stated. "You're still feeling warm."

John locked eyes with Beckett. "Don't you touch me." He couldn't bear the thought of the other man touching him again. Ever since he had returned from the island, everything that Beckett had done to him had felt like a betrayal. From the way he had knocked him out to examine him the first time, to his threats to restrain him to do so again. "You bastard!" John was angry but his voice was soft.

Carson flinched but didn't break eye contact. Then he nodded, "I'm so sorry for what I've done, major. I handled everything badly, I'm afraid. I'd take it back if I could but we have to come to terms with this. Or I'm going to have to go to Dr. Weir and explain what I did."

"You can't do that," John blurted out. And he didn't want Beckett to do that. Not just because he didn't want Weir to know the truth about what had happened to him, but because he knew it would change Weir's view of the doctor. That would be a bad thing and John knew it. Atlantis needed Beckett.

"At this point I don't think I have a choice," Carson said sadly.

John did not want to deal with this now. He wished Beckett could give him some kind of shot so he could forget the past few weeks. "I hate this," he whispered.

Carson heard him. "I know...and I'm sure you hate me."

"You don't get it!" John let his anger show in his eyes. "I hate myself. I hate what I've become! I hate being fucking scared to let you touch me because it makes me remember what Kolya....what that..that bastard did to me!"

Don't do that, major. Don't punish yourself because of what you feel." Carson looked shocked. "You were raped...everything you're feeling is normal, major. It's normal to be afraid."

John laughed and the bitterness of the sound shook him a little. "None of this is fucking normal! And I let it happen."

"No!" Carson was shocked. "What Kolya did --"

"I'm talking about you," John interjected, softly. He saw the surprise in Beckett's eyes then watched as the man dragged over a stool and sat down.

Carson rubbed a hand over his face then asked, "What do you mean?"

John stared down at his hands for a moment, watching his fingers pluck at the blanket. He was tired and achy and he didn't want to deal with this, but he knew they had to resolve things. But it was hard to confess to his own weakness. "What you did....knocking me out to exam me....it felt like being -- " John broke off, he couldn't say the word. He wouldn't say it. He sucked in a shuddery breath then exhaled slowly and continued. "But that wasn't the worst part. When you threatened to restrain me and force me into another exam...god...I lost it. I lost all fucking control of everything. I was so fucking scared and because I knew I couldn't stop you. That it would be just like Kolya all over again!" John had the blanket clutched in both hands now and he closed his eyes as his body reacted to the memories. All the fear rushed over him and he broke out into a cold sweat.

"I am so sorry, major. So damn sorry. I never would have forced it..I swear!" Carson was on his feet, stumbling over his words. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I wasn't prepared to deal with any of this and I fucked up. God I'm so sorry I did this to you."

"I did this, not you!" John snapped. He opened his eyes and glared at the other man. "I'm the one who freaked out. I'm the one who fucked up because I'm supposed to be stronger than this!" Tears burned in John's eyes and he blinked them back.

Beckett reached out to him but pulled back before touching Sheppard. "You're the strongest man I know, major," he said softly. "The only one who fucked up was me. I betrayed your trust when you needed it most and I don't have a clue how to fix that. And it's going to make things difficult in the future. A fact you proved when you wouldn't come to me because of what you'd done. I created that fear in you, major. And you wouldn't be human if you weren't afraid."

John felt his anger ebbing away. He knew what the bottom line was, they both did. "Maybe it's like falling off a horse. You have to get back on right away or you'll never ride again." John had gone through that test as a kid and to this day riding horses was one of his favorite things to do. But at six years old, getting back on the pony had taken all of his courage and then some.

"Different circumstances, major," Carson countered. "Different kind of fear."

"I know...but I still have to face it. Face you." John let his head slump back into the pillows, one hand lifting to rub his temple. "How about we take this one day at a time? I know you didn't mean to hurt me and I know you won't hurt me."

Carson nodded. "Aye..you know. But you still don't trust me."

John shrugged. "You have to earn that."

"I want to do that."

"I'm tired." John wasn't ready to give anything more than he already had.

Carson pushed the stool away then fiddled with the stuff on the bedside table, betraying his anxiety. "I'll check on you later?" A question rather than a statement.

John nodded then closed his eyes. He listened to Beckett walk away and realized something. He was gaining ground again. "Fuck you, Kolya," he whispered, then he drifted off to sleep.

***

Time passed, almost a week, and John and Carson took baby steps with each other. By the time John was released from the infirmary he was able to make it through an exam with Beckett without feeling sick or nervous. They were only cursory exams, but it was a step in the right direction.

John went on light duty for a few days until Weir was sure he was ready to go back out again, then he was cleared for gate travel and it felt good to go out with his team again. Things were't perfect on missions or back in Atlantis, but John felt as if he were maintaing a level of normalcy. That he was gaining back lost ground. Rodney helped him with that and John was grateful. The other man seemed to know when John needed him and when to back off. THey continued their verbal sparring which John always enjoyed. They played chess and John kept on winning, which drove Rodney insane. During down time John spent many hours in Rodney's lab, touching things for him and letting Rodney teach him how to read the Ancient language.

Days slid by, turning into weeks and John felt strong again. Confidant. But it shattered when the Wraith attacked one of the off-worlds they were exploring. They had extra security with them, since the planet was unknown even to Teyla. By the time they made it back through the gate, they had lost two men. John had tried to save one of them but Ford and Rodney had dragged him through the gate and the moment it closed behind them he got in their faces.

"Don't you ever disobey an order again! Do you fucking hear me?" John was nose to nose with Ford and he could tell the Lt was scared, but he didn't back down.

"I hear you, sir!" Ford countered.

John knew he was being patronized and it made him see red, but before he could say anything else, Weir was there, pushing him back.

She studied him with her narrowed gaze. "What's going on here, major?" she demanded.

"We lost two good men!" John snapped. "It shouldn't have happened."

"Wraith attack," Rodney interjected. "There was nothing we could do." He spoke to Elizabeth but his eyes were locked on Sheppard.

Weir winced and nodded. "See Beckett then we'll debrief." She looked at Sheppard. "Now, major."

John wanted to protest just to be ornery but he willed himself to nod and turn around. He stalked off and went to the infirmary. He felt nothing as Beckett did his exam. Once he was cleared he stormed out of the infirmary, hearing Rodney call after him to wait. But John wanted to be alone. He dumped his gear in the hallway then stepped into a transporter. A few minutes later he was in the Exercise area, tossing his jacket on the floor.

There was a heavy bag hung up in the corner. Ford and Grodin had fashioned it two weeks ago and Sheppard hadn't had a chance to use it much. Until now. There were wraps for his hands but he ignored them. Instead he focused all his anger on the bag and lashed out. Punch after punch landing hard and steady. He felt the pain in his knuckles, felt the skin split after a time but it didn't register. It was overshadowed by everything else he felt. Anger and fear and confusion were all twisted inside him. Twisted and churning and image after image filled John's head.

Shooting Sumner. Killing the Wraith keeper. Wiping out the Genii. Kolya. Image after image of Kolya. John punched harder and faster as his body remembered every touch. Kolya's hands and mouth and cock tainting him. The burn of being breeched collided with the burn of failure. But eventually the burn of exhaustion wore John down and his knees buckled. He couldn't stop his body from falling but he didn't hit the floor. Strong hands caught him and John fought against them even though he knew who held him. Rodney.

John pushed him away, stumbling towards the wall and slamming into it, letting it hold him up. Every muscle in his body was taut and quivered and he felt like he might snap and break at any moment. But he had to be stronger than this. So he took the anger that still flared inside him and clung to it like a lifeline.

"John.." Rodney was hesitant as he approached.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" John snarled back and he saw Rodney flinch. But the guy kept coming.

Rodney shook his head. "I can't do that."

John pushed away from the wall but only so he could draw back his fist and punch it.

"Don't!" Rodney moved to grab his arm.

John flung him away and punched the wall again. Pain flared up in arm and into his shoulder and he welcomed it.

Rodney was shaking as he watched him. "Please...you're hurting yourself."

"Don't you get it?" John was stunned that Rodney didn't understand. "I want this pain! It's my pain! My control! My blood!" So much blood on his hands, so much pain he couldn't control. He wasn't strong, he was weak and scared and falling apart and he didn't want Rodney to see this. "Get out! Get the fuck out!" John's voice was hoarse from the intensity of his emotions. There were short sticks from his practice rounds with Teyla on the floor and John scooped them up and hurled them across the room, letting them skim close to Rodney. He wanted to make him run. But Rodney didn't even flinch and John grabbed anything within reach and kept throwing it until there was nothing left and his knees buckled and he hit the floor and he was glad that Rodney didn't help him. He was beyond help.

John slumped against the wall, back pressed hard against it and he felt his body tremble so hard his teeth almost clattered together. He drew his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and began rocking, trying to hold it all in. He felt like he was going to explode. He was so scared and so confused and angry and everything was bleeding together and nothing made sense and he was so damn tired. Tears burned in his eyes and John blinked them away but his vision blurred and he felt scalding wetness slide down his face.

A touch on his arm jolted John and he felt a flare of panic but then he recognized Rodney's face and the panic faded but John closed his eyes, shutting out Rodney's face. He didn't want to see disgust or pity in the blue eyes. Then John felt Rodney moving against him and he had to look and Rodney was sitting beside him and John shook his head and tried to scuttle away but Rodney caught him and drew him in against solid warmth and John fought against it but his body was depleted of strength and it scared him how easily Rodney held him. And suddenly it didn't matter anymore. This was Rodney and Rodney couldn't hurt him and John was so very tired and he let his body slump against the other man. He let Rodney hold him and the bone-deep cold that had insiuated itself into John's very soul began to melt away.

Gentle fingers combed through John's hair and he buried his face in Rodney's neck, feeling the wetness of his tears on the other man's skin. A big hand stroked down John's spine and he waited for the flutter of fear to hit him but John felt nothing but solid warmth and soft words that didn't make sense and that didn't matter either. He couldn't stop shaking but Rodney helped him ride it out. He couldn't stop crying either but didn't make a sound. And time ticked by into minutes that might have turned to hours but John was drifting in warm, gray haze. But then he felt fingertips on his face and he blinked his eyes open and Rodney was staring at him. "I'm sorry," John whispered.

"It's okay." Rodney smiled but it was a sad smile.

"I'm fucked up," John said quietly.

Rodney almost laughed. "Join the club." He shifted them both then said, "You need to see Carson. You're bleeding quite a bit and you might have broken something."

John realized his hands were slicked with blood, which was on him and Rodney and that his knuckles were swollen and throbbing but he treasured this pain. He could deal with it. "I'm sorry," he said again but he wasn't sure who he was apologizing too. Himself or to Rodney. Or even why.

"Stop saying that." Rodney brushed away another tear. "You just made it through the roughest part, John. It gets better now."

"Can I have that in writing?" The teasing fell flat and John realized he was still shaking and that he felt sick and when he tried to sit back his body protested. He couldn't even get up on his own.

Rodney pulled him back into his embrace. "Just rest for a few minutes."

John closed his eyes and obeyed. He trusted Rodney to keep him safe and it struck John that he did feel safe. For the first time in a long time he felt safe again. And he carried that feeling into the darkness that claimed him.

***

It wasn't easy. John slept through the next two days and came awake on the third with a scream dying on his lips. Rodney had been there, strong arms wrapping around John again and easing him back against the pillows. And he had slept again and then two more days passed in a blur before John felt ready to face the world again. So he had showered and dressed and had gone to see Beckett on his own. Then he spent two hours with Weir, still skirting around the actual truth but John had shared much of what he had been feeling. He shared his fears about the future and he walked away feeling more confidant in himself.

But it still wasn't easy. He went back to work and he thrived on every adventure through the gate with his team, but there nights when he still woke up from nightmares and days when he couldn't control his anger. Rodney helped him through that as well, accepting the brunt of it and waving away every apology that John made.

They played chess every night and John had yet to lose. Not even when Rodney cheated. And it was Rodney who got angry now, swiping at the board and knocking the pieces to the floor in a fit. And John stared at him in disbelief before starting to laugh. "Sore loser, Rodney," he said as he bent to pick up the pieces.

"Shut up!" Rodney wasn't laughing.

"What's wrong?" John left the game and moved to stand before his friend.

Rodney shook his head. "Nothing."

John knew he was lying. "Talk to me, Rodney. I won't leave you alone till you do." And he meant it. Rodney had been there for in every way and John wanted to return the favor.

"I just...um...I'm worried about you..that's all." Rodney was shuffling his feet and wringing his hands as he spoke.

"Worried about me? Why?" John felt warning bells going off. "I'm okay now, Rodney. You know that."

Rodney shook his head. "I want to believe that but you're not. My sister went through the same thing and she wasn't okay until she talked about it. And you won't do that. I've tried, you know."

John did know. Every day Rodney tried to slide it into their conversation. Asking not so subtle questions about whether or not John dreamed about Kolya still and other things that he had thought were just Rodney's way of testing him. "What's there to talk about, Rodney?" John countered. "You know what happened."

"But you can't say it and you won't really get past it until you can say it." Rodney stopped fidgeting and locked eyes with Sheppard. "I want you to be okay, that's all."

"I am okay!" Anger flared in John. "What the fuck do you want me to say, Rodney? Hah? Jesus....I finally feel like I'm back to normal and you bring this up now? What the fuck is wrong with you?" John was pacing now, his insides twisting as he glared at the other man.

Determination glinted in Rodney's blue eyes. "If you can look at me and say what Kolya did to you, then I'll know you're really okay."

John felt himself shaking ,."Fuck you, Rodney!" He didn't need this. He was okay now and Rodney was just messing with him.

"You have to say it," Rodney insisted.

"Why are you doing this?" John was almost pleading now. He felt all the walls he had so carefully built to shield him, start to crumble. And it was all Rodney's fault.

Rodney took a shaky breath. "You still dream about it, John. I come and check on you every night."

That surprised John. "You do? Why?"

"So I can sleep. I just need to see you to know you're okay. But you're not and it's been getting worse in the past week. You say his name in your sleep and you cry sometimes."

"No!" John didn't want to hear this. "Shut up, Rodney." He was making the walls crumble faster and everything John believed was revealing itself to be nothing but an illusion. John sank down onto his bed, shaking his head.

Rodney moved to kneel in front of him. "You're still angry, John. You have to get past that."

John wanted to scream at Rodney to push him away but he knew he was right. He was still angry and the image of Kolya still haunted him in his dreams. His body still remembered everything that had happened. "God...it hurt," John hadn't meant for that to come out. But even now he could feel Kolya's cock thrusting inside him. "Bastard!" John felt Rodney move closer, felt a hand on his knee. Tears blurred his vision and he blinked them away. "I can't...I can't do this."

"Then you won't ever really heal!" Rodney's tone was harsh. "If you can't face what he did to you...if you can't say it...you can't get past it. You can fool yourself into thinking you have....but you haven't."

"Get out!" John was shaking so hard he could barely speak.

But Rodney heard him. He stood up and turned to go.

John watched him walk to the door. He didn't want Rodney to leave. "He raped me." The words were a soft whisper.

"What?" Rodney turned back.

"The bastard...he raped me." It was so hard to say and John almost choked on the words. But he said it and it broke something inside him. The final brick in the wall crumbled. The last layer in the illusion vanished. A sob escaped John and he tried to curl into himself.

Rodney was there in an instant, arms wrapping around Sheppard. "He can't hurt you anymore, John," he whispered.

John wanted to believe him and maybe he would, later. Right now nothing existed but the feel of his own body wracked with sobs. John didn't remember ever crying like this before. Not even a child. His father had abhorred tears. But he knew that Rodney didn't care. He knew Rodney would keep him safe. So he cried himself to exhaustion and was only vaguely aware of Rodney easing him onto the bed. He felt a cool dampness on his face and it was Rodney wiping away the traces of his tears. Then a heavy blanket was tucked around him and John let himself slip into darkness. And this time when he dreamed of Kolya, he wasn't afraid. That particular demon was dead now and John finally laid him to rest.

***

The next morning John brought Rodney coffee in his lab.

"Thanks." Rodney accepted the cup with a grateful smile. He took a sip then studied Sheppard. "You okay?"

"I will be." It was the simple truth and it felt good to be honest with himself again. John took a step closer. "Rodney...thank you."

Rodney looked embarrassed. "Sure. Hey...what are friends for?"

John smiled. There was nothing he could say to express what he felt. Maybe someday. But he had an offer to make. "If you need me to touch anything..I've got a few minutes."

"Really?" Rodney looked excited. He grabbed John by the arm and started to haul him along only to freeze and drop his arm. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." John reached out and patted Rodney on the shoulder. "I trust you." He watched Rodney smile and smiled back. And John finally knew that he would be okay.

THE END