Sleep

by Merlin7

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asm/merlin7/sleep.php
Summary: John can't sleep and Carson is going to ground him soon. So Rodney decides to help

Rodney knew where to find Major Sheppard. He headed for the balconey at the farthest point at the east end of Atlantis. They had discovered that section during a bit of an explorative moment. Actually, Rodney had been using John - his ATA gene really - for a bit of an experiment and they had ended up on the balcony. Major Sheppard hadn't been pissed at Rodney for getting them sent there. He had really liked the place. It was more like a balcony set inside half of a cave. A place where Sheppard could go to be alone. But he always allowed Rodney to visit.

Reaching the place at last, Rodney paused to catch his breath. He wasn't one to run but he had walked - briskly. And he wasn't anywhere near in the kind of shape Major Sheppard was in. THe guy could run all day and not be out of breath. It was rather annoying, or would be if Rodney didn't envy him a bit. Okay, alot. Finally catching his breath, Rodney stepped out onto the balcony, only to gasp.

"John!"

"Rodney." John's voice was calm in reply.

Rodney took the steps needed to reach the railing and the figure upon it. "What the hell are you doing?"

John looked at him and smiled. "It's called...sitting," he drawled.

"Well, in case you haven't noticed...you're sitting on top of the railing!" Mckay was about frantic. The railing wasn't high up from the floor. But if John fell off it the other way, it was a long - very long - way down to the ocean.

"Wow...can't get anything past you." John's voice was low and teasing.

Rodney glared at him. "What if you fall?"

John shrugged. "I won't fall. I have excellent balance."

"But what if you do fall?" Rodney persisted. He had to make John see that this was madness. He had to get him back on solid - safe - ground.

"If I fall I'll hit the water," John replied. And he was totally unconcerned.

Rodney waved his hands at him, freaking out all the more. "It's a very - very - long way down. It will hurt." And no doubt knock him out and Rodney would have to jump in after him and he was not the best swimmer in the world. They would both drown.

John shook his head. "Not if I hit feet first."

"And what if you don't hit feet first?" Rodney couldn't help it. He was an eternal pessimist.

"Then...it's gonna hurt." John shifted on the railing, leaning more in towards the floor, than out towards the water.

Rodney felt a flicker of relief. "Please get down from there so I don't have to have a heart attack. We need to talk."

John sighed and slid to the floor, all fluid grace in motion. Until he went to move to the corner where two chairs were set up. Then he stumbled a bit and cursed. "What do we need to talk about?"

"You." Rodney had seen John stumble. The man was usually graceful and confidant, but now he was uncoordinated. "You're exhausted, Major. You need to sleep."

"You've been talking to Beckett." There was clear accusation in John's tone.

Rodney made a face. "So what? I don't need his expert opinion to see that you're dead on your feet. If you don't get some sleep...he's going to ground you."

John rounded on Rodney, fury blazing in his eyes. "I know that! Fucking bastard! Why can't he leave me the hell alone?"

"Because we need you." Rodney knew it had been a rhetorical question. But he had the answer and John needed to hear it. And accept it. "Atlantis needs you, Major. Believe me - it galls me to admit it - but we need you."

"Atlantis has you, Rodney. You're answer man. You're the one who saves the day." John was smiling as he spoke.

Rodney knew that John respected him and that he did believe in ability to save Atlantis with his knowledge. What John did not know was how much Rodney believed in him and his ability to do the same. They both were skilled and they both were needed. "I can't protect Atlantis the way you can," Rodney shot back.

John's smile faded. "Yeah. No one can kill the way I can." He turned back to the railing but only rested his hands on it and gazed out over the water.

"What the hell does that mean?" Rodney countered, rather belatedly. He hadn't expected those words out of the major.

"It means nothing." John lifted one hand to rub over his face. "Forget it."

Rodney wasn't about to do that. He moved to John's side. "Is this about the Genii you had to kill? Because you had to kill them. If you hadn't we would have lost Atlantis. You know that...right?"

John nodded. "Yep. I know that. And before you get all psycho-analytical on me, I don't regret what I did. I made the choices that I made and I'll live with them. End of story."

"Bullshit!" Rodney was surprised at how angry he sounded. "This is fucking you up. I guess I can understand why it would, although I've never killed anyone."

"I hope you never have to," John said softly. He turned from the railing and headed for the door.

Rodney grabbed him by the arm and was stunned to feel him shaking. He was distracted for a moment. As much from feeling John trembling as from the warmth of his skin against his palm. Until he felt John pulling away from him. Rodney held fast. "I want to help you."

John laughed and tugged free of Rodney's grasp. "Help me what?"

"I don't know. Help you figure out why you can't sleep." Rodney felt frustrated. He knew something was terribly wrong but he didn't have a clue how to fix it. How to fix John.

"I know why I can't sleep." John's voice was low and tinged with bitterness. He backed towards the railing as if needing to put space between them.

But Rodney had no problem invading John's personal space. He stalked over to him until they were only inches apart. "Why then?" he prompted.

John shook his head at him. "None of your damn business."

"It's tell me or tell the shrink." Rodney knew it was a low blow, but he was getting desperate here.

"What's that supposed to mean?" John was getting pissed. It showed in his tone of voice and in the sudden tautness of his lean body.

Rodney shrugged. "You're fucked up and if you don't talk to me about it, I'm going to go straight to Beckett and he'll send you off to Hightmeyer. And if you refuse to talk to her you'll be grounded indefinitely. Not that you won't be anyway. You can't fly or lead missions when you're asleep on your feet, major."

John glared at Rodney for what seemed an eternity. He looked ready to slug him, both hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. But then he suddenly went limp and leaned against the railing. One hand lifted and he combed his fingers through his hair, making it stand up on end more than usual. "It's not about this place, Rodney. It's not about the Genii or the Wraith or any of it. So let it go..okay?"

"Can't do that." Rodney could corner the market on stubborn when he wanted too. And he wanted too very much in this moment. He wasn't going to let John off the hook. Altantis needed the major. Hell, Rodney needed him. More than that. Rodney wanted him and he needed him to be okay.

"Did Weir show you my file?" John asked suddenly.

Rodney shook his head. "No. Why? Did she show you mine?"

John chuckled then nodded. "Yeah. Interesting reading."

"Why would she let you read my file?" Rodney was a little peeved about that.

"I guess because I'm second in command." John shrugged.

Made sense, but Rodney was still peeved. "Well I'm a senior officer too. More or less. I should get to read your file."

The smile that had curved John's lips, faded. "I'll give you the reader's digest version. Will that make you happy?"

"Ecstatic." Sarcasm oozed from Rodney, although he was serious. He decided to give John his space for the time being, and backed up until he was sitting in one of the chairs. He then focused all of his attention on John's face. His very beatiful face that was deceptively youthful. Rodney knew that John was thirty-five or thirty-six, but he could have easily passed for thirty and there were times when he looked even younger. But then there were times when Rodney would look at John and see, in the hazel eyes, a man older than his years. A man who knew the true meaning of pain and sorrow. And sometimes there was a darkness to John that made Rodney uneasy. And edge to him that was at odds with the air of innocence that clung to the major. But Rodney shook off such musings as John began to speak.

"I'm not just a flyboy, Rodney," John began. "I've had special training."

Rodney was intrigued. "What kind of special training?"

John cocked one eyebrow and chewed the corner of his mouth for a moment, as if debating how to explain. "Let's just say that General O'Neill would need special clearance to read my full jacket."

"Oh." Rodney got what John was trying to say. General O'Neill had clearance for pretty much everything. So whatever John had been trained for, it was obviously very hush hush. "So you're like an agent or something?"

"Or something," John allowed. "I'm the person they send in when they figure there's no hope. Or they send me in to clean things up. Clean sweep, so to speak."

Rodney wasn't sure he followed. "Why would they send you in if there was no hope? That's suicidal. You'd have to be whacked to take an assignment like that."

John was laughing again. "I was young and pissed off at my father and determined to do something *Big* with my life. Throw in the chance to fly anything I wanted and I was sold. Bottomline? If you had to label me, assassin would fit the bill."

"The government wouldn't train assassins." Rodney was shocked at the very thought of it.

"You'd be surprised what the government would do," John drawled, but his voice sounded hollow. "But truth be told, if you asked the government about my *Work*, they'd lie to you. They would tell you that all the missions I went on did not exist. On record I'm just an Air Force Major flying special assignments. Or I was, until I fucked up."

Rodney got the hint. "And ended up in McMurdo."

John nodded. "Right. I actually asked to be assigned there though. I liked it there."

"You're whacked."

"You have no idea, Mckay." John turned back around to lean on the railing. "You have to be a little whacked to fly into hostile territory over and over again. Knowing that you might not come back."

Rodney could not even imagine doing such a thing. "Why would you do that?"

For a long time John did not answer. And when he did he sounded wistful. "Adrenaline rush. More or less. I like a challenge, Mckay. The thrill of the unknown. And you know what? There is no greater rush than knowing you defeated death. But it doesn't come free. There's a payoff in the end. Cause you have to get to know death. You have to understand it. You can't kill someone and not understand it."

"What's to understand?" Rodney felt way out of his league here. "Dead is dead. Or are you talking about on some spiritual level? Did I mention the fact that I'm an aetheist? So I don't get that whole spiritual thing."

"It's not about god, Rodney." John sighed and it was a sound that echoed an infinite weariness.

Rodney was confused and not about to admit it. Much. "Then what is it about?" he demanded. Because he really did want to know. He wanted to understand where John was coming from, so that he could help him.

Pulling away from the railing, John moved to the chairs but did not sit down. He just stood there. "Life is precious to me, Rodney. All life. But when you kill someone they have to stop being a human being to you. At least in that moment. But sometimes it's not so easy to remember that in the aftermath. Sometimes I can't help but think that the person I killed was somebody's friend. A lover. A father or son. Someone is grieving their loss...because of me."

"But you can't think like that." Rodney didn't have to be an expert on death to know that holding on to that kind of guilt would eat away at a persons sanity. And he didn't want John to break.

"I know that." John's voice was barely a whisper. "And when I'm awake...I can control it. I can reason it out. But when I sleep....I lose that control. I can't stop dreaming."

Rodney watched as John began to shake. Instinctively he moved forward and caught the major just as his knees buckled. "Sit down before you fall down," Rodney chided.

John shook his head. He locked his knees and pulled away. "I know I have to sleep. I just...I can't get past what I know I'm going to dream."

"Let Beckett knock you out. Then you won't dream." That seemed an obvious, and simple, solution to Rodney.

"He already suggested that...but I can't." John ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "What if something happened while I was out? What if the Genii do come back. Or the Wraith attack. I can't be out of it if that happens."

Rodney snorted. "News flash, Major. YOu're already out of it."

John glared at him. "You're not helping."

"Sorry." And Rodney meant it. He did want to help. And suddenly an idea occurred. "Come with me, major." he stated, grabbing John by the arm and hauling him towards the door.

"Where are we going?" John asked. He stumbled along a bit, due to Rodney's fast pace.

Rodney said nothing. He simply led John to his destination. "Here." He pointed at the door.

John frowned at him. "This is my room."

"Yep. Open the door."

"Why?"

Rodney huffed at him. Didn't the major get that he was trying to help here. "How else are we going to get inside?"

John held his ground and shook his head. "No. Not until you tell me what's up?"

"Inside first, then I'll explain." And Rodney would keep his word. He watched as John relented and opened the door with a thought. Rodney had the gene but it didn't work that well for him. Once they were inside, Rodney studied the major. He had gone pale and was, visibly, shaking as he stared at his bed. Rodney touched his shoulder. "Go lay down."

"No!"

Rodney recognized panic when he saw it. "Trust me, major. Okay? Just...lay down."

John opened his mouth to protest, but closed it when he looked into Rodney's eyes. He nodded then moved to the bed. He sat down but that was as far as he got.

"Let me get your boots off." Rodney was surprised at himself for making the offer, but he could see that John was shaken enough. He knelt down to unlace the boots but found his hand batted away.

"I'll do it." John's tone was grim and gritted out between clenched teeth. But he started unlacing the ties.

Rodney nodded and moved to sit down next to him. He undid his own boots and toed them off.

John watched him. "What are you doing?"

"Helping." Rodney grinned then stretched out on the bed, lying on his back. He then held his arms open. "Come here."

"No." John shook his head. "This is crazy."

Rodney sighed. "I won't do anything but hold you, Major. For now anyway." He saw the look of surprise in the hazel eyes, then the sudden - sharp - realization of what he meant. But that was a conversation for another time. To Rodney's relief, John moved to lay beside him. Rodney curled his arm around John. The major was very slim but surprisingly solid and Rodney shifted him until the dark head lay on his shoulder. He was pleased when John relaxed and let one leg drape over Rodney's thighs. "Close your eyes, major," Rodney beseeched him. "I'll watch over you."

John snorted but then he nuzzled his face into Rodney's neck. "Thank you." His voice was whisper soft but heavy with emotion.

"You're welcome." Rodney felt a bit smug. And he felt excited. His body was a bit tense, but at the same time it felt good to hold someone close. To hold John close. "You don't snore, do you?" Rodney snored but he couldn't hear himself when he was asleep so it was all good.

"You tell me...when I wake up," John replied.

Rodney's response was to kiss the top of John's head. He did it without realizing it then froze, expecting the major to bark at him. But John simply snuggled closer, one arm now draping over Rodney's waist. Rodney relaxed again. "Sweet dreams....John," he whispered. But even as he spoke, he knew the major was already asleep.

THE END