The Wall

by Ravenschild

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asr/ravenschild/wall.php
Summary: Jack and Daniel are used to making sacrifices but is this one necessary?

It hadn't been a long stretch by any imagination. In retrospect, it was as if he just decided enough was enough, that the wall should come up, that he should close off.

The infrequent confessions of his personal pain, the way that he wrapped his long arms around his body and stepped back. The rejected offers of dinner, of a drink, of a lift, of anything he was just moving away from them. Carter knew it was only a matter of time before he found his feet back on earth, to feel as though he was once again part of the academic community that had spurned in their ignorance his abilities and gifts. Yet still it was not work that had taken Dr. Daniel Jackson from them. There were no new friends, no outings, and to the best of her knowledge he just wanted to be left alone, sinking further into the guilt and pain that had caught him by the heart and refused to be assuaged.

She had hoped that the incident with the Keeper had allowed him some peace that in his own mind he would remember that he could have done nothing to save his parents and each abortive attempt instead of silencing the pain deepened it and drove it further into his heart.

She prayed that when Shau'ri was finally gone and freed from the Go' auld he would have given up, let go of the past and pressed forward with typical Daniel zeal to find a future. Instead the wall came up and by stages and degrees she felt the heat of it on her and her team for months.

Teal'c had mentioned it, and that in and of itself was worthy of concern. The Jaffa never spoke of their friends, discretion being part of his honour. He had been impelled to speak to her not an hour before about DanielJackson.

She replayed the conversation over in her mind; constantly attempting to analyse and pinpoint when this slide began. When the hope was lost, how did Teal'c phrase that? Oh yes, "I have trained men for battle for most of my adult life, I was Aphophis's prime and had rank and privilege for our God, and I have seen the loss of faith in many faces of those who faced their death. Yet the death DanielJackson faces will drive him from us and ultimately to his own. His heart has been defeated by his mind and his spirit is breaking."

Sam shook her blond hair away from her face and caught at the edge of a headache as she watched Daniel disappear down the dark corridors and without turning punched for the lift. She had tried to catch him up, knew he should not be out of bed or out of the infirmary for that matter, but nevertheless he was. Stubborn. Wilful. Self absorbed were some words that dripped from her tongue, along with the soft voice in the back of her mind that reminded her he was hurt, and in some ways the pain went deeper than any could imagine.

Doing a fast turn she immediately regretted she headed down to the gate room to find the Colonel.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

O'Neill fidgeted with the clean white bandages on his wrists and was uncomfortably aware that his age was catching up with him. The myriad of bruises were nothing new, the aches in his joints, especially his knees insisted he should think about slowing down a little bit. Hammond too passed a tired hand over his eyes and in a moment of benign madness turned to his officer and smiled.

"I think some downtime for SG1 would be a good idea. We have a review with the Joint Chief's coming up and we need to make sure our house is in order. You have no scheduled gate travel for ten days, de-briefing will be at 08:00 hours on Wednesday, in that time Colonel I expect your team to have compiled all the relevant data on your last three trips."

O'Neill stood up and shuffled his papers together, too weary to argue. Normally he would prefer a root canal without anaesthetic other than paperwork, but he had to admit he was looking forward to a few early nights in a warm soft bed.

Without conscious effort on his part he headed towards the infirmary to check on Daniel before he hit the mattress and found his way blocked by a tiny blond bombshell and a huge black man who scowled ever so slightly.

"Okay kids, what gives?" he steered them into his office.

"We are concerned with DanielJackson." Teal'c stood at attention, his body set in hard rigid lines as his scowl deepened.

"I was just on my way to see him, Janet gave him the all clear what's the problem."

Sam's eyes softened as she rubbed at her forehead and dropped into the nearest chair, all semblance of military protocol leaving with her soft words. "Colonel, permission to speak freely?"

"Granted."

"DanielJackson is no longer in the infirmary. He has left the base and was given a lift home by Ferretti." Teal'c interjected his words precise as they dropped in the room.

Jack frowned, "Janet told me she was keeping him in."

"Yes sir that's what she told me." Sam answered. "He checked himself out and well left."

"So? Danny hates hospitals." Jack shrugged more unnerved by his companions concern then by the events.

"Hear me O'Neill, DanielJackson is grieving and refuses to allow us to help him or offer even basic support. He has rejected our friendship and has become withdrawn, I am concerned for his health."

"His mental health." Sam clarified, unable to hide the wince as she finally spoke the words. "Surely you've seen it sir, you're his closest friend. When was the last time he came out to have a drink with us? Or watched the hockey match with you or came with me just for the day to visit the museum?"

Jack rubbed at the back of his neck. "It's been awhile."

"He no longer discusses Tulak or my people's culture with me, no longer converses in my own language and actively avoids my presence." Teal'c added, the portent of the words locked onto the Colonel as if a heat seeking missile and Jack's heart sank.

"Let me get this straight, Carter. Do you think Daniel is capable of hurting himself?"

"If you mean suicide then yes it's a possibility." Sam could not bring herself to see the pain in Jacks face and avoided looking at him directly.

"I too concur with Carters assessment. I have seen this before, especially in the children taken by the Go'auld's to fill their purpose. They wither and die, their spirits broken by the cold fear."

"You said Ferretti took him home, you sure of that Teal'c?" Jack finally asked.

"I am."

"Carter have you spoken to anyone about this?"

"Other than you and Teal'c sir, no. I wouldn't do that to Daniel."

Jack reached down a hand and patted her shoulder. "I know. We have been stood down for the next four days. The General wants a full report on the last three missions compiled for the Joint Chiefs meeting next week. In the meantime I'll go and see Daniel."

"It may be wise O'Neill if you speak to Dr. Fraser first." Teal'c added quietly.

"I'll let you know what happens. Danny's too strong to let it get him that low." Jack's voice held no real conviction to that fact as he headed out to the infirmary.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

"What's on your mind Colonel?" Janet asked as she manoeuvred him into her office. He shut the door and stood with his cap in hand before he broached the subject.

"Daniel."

She stopped and looked up from her charts. "Please sit. Off the record or on?"

O'Neill relaxed and sat down, "Preferably off."

"Until an few moments ago Daniel was my patient, I'll go off the record so long as you keep me appraised of the problems. Agreed?"

"Agreed. Seems Daniel skipped against your orders."

"Daniel is a civilian Jack, he does not have to obey any order I give him, but yes."

"How's his back?"

"The wounds are clean, and painful. I'm not really sure how he got himself out of bed, dressed and home."

"Medication?"

"Pain killers, broad spectrum antibiotics."

"And?" Jack twisted the cap between his fingers, worrying the cloth as he built up a picture he felt sure he should have seen before.

"And what?"

"What else have you prescribed him over the past couple of months?"

"Since Shau'ri's death he's had problems sleeping and is suffering a mild depressions, stress related headaches and I have asked him to have his eyes checked as well. He may need new glasses."

Jack stood and paced. "Were you at any time soon likely to tell me a member of my team was depressed?"

"He did not appear to be suffering from depression that was not treatable. I prescribed a series of anxiolytics- anti-anxiety drugs and he reported that he was coping well. Jack is there something here I'm missing?" Janet propped forward on her desk.

"Teal'c and Carter seem to think that Daniel is suicidal."

"Ah." She sat back, the news not completely taking her by surprise and Jack frowned as he sat back down.

"That doesn't seem like news to you."

"Look Jack, I'm not a psych, I deal with the normal trauma that any of the teams here go through. Daniel is withdrawn and needs to know people who care about him are not likely to leave him on a whim. He also is carrying a lot of baggage regarding abandonment issues, which has recently been reinforced by Shau'ri's death."

"Teal'c had no choice Janet, none whatsoever, had it had been me, I would have shot sooner. As it was I didn't need to give the order. Could that be why he is avoiding Teal'c?"

Janet shook her head. "No, he has forgiven Teal'c and actually from conversation it would appear that he was grateful. He hasn't forgiven himself. Its almost as if everyone who is important to him leaves him, and from Daniels stand point he's the reason, that if he wasn't in their lives they would still be alive."

"That's ridiculous." Jack glared at the slight dark haired woman and she smiled sadly.

"Is it? You know him better than anyone, do you think it's impossible?"

Long seconds laced with tension as the Colonel finally looked down and began worrying the cloth in his fingers again. "No. When he first came back from Abydos the military didn't know what to do with him, he didn't know what to do with him. He used to have this annoying little habit of hugging himself and making himself small when he was threatened. Not during the ordeal, but later, when he thought no one was looking." For reasons the Colonel decided he didn't want to go into, that tiny self protecting act, that Daniel sought comfort in his own arms, caused a stab of guilt and he blinked back.

Janet sighed. "He's being doing that a lot more lately."

"Yeah I know. I guess I need to know what to do."

"Well you could check on him since he left his medication here, perfect excuse for barging in." Janet smiled.

"Will he stay at home?"

"In his current condition, I'd say that was a certainty. He's not really capable of going out on the town. Some food would be a good idea and some rest."

"He's lost weight hasn't he?"

"Daniel is the only man I know who considers caffeine to be the only food group."

Jack smiled. "He'll head straight for a shower at home too, so you'd better give me some dressings for his back."

"Colonel, if Daniel poses a threat to his own welfare, I will be forced to put it on the record."

"Hammond will ground him, you know that."

"Better alive and angry than the option Colonel. I don't want to see any of you in here any more than I have to."

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

The drive was interminable, traffic snarled and for a moment Jack wished he had Teal'c's staff to clear the way. Unfortunately he doubted that even his rank and security clearance could explain it away to the local authorities.

Even worse were the images that assailed his mind. As far as assignments went PX73119 was by far the least pleasurable. No sooner had they got through the gate then they got hit by a Go' auld grenade and the world went black. It was hours later that they awoke in a small dank pit of a cell, chained by their arms to the walls and aching all over. Evidently the Jaffa who had captured them thought to make sport for one of their System Lords.

And as always it was Daniel they picked on.

Jack got his sight back just as he recognised the sound of leather being used against flesh and soft agonised moan that issued from Daniel's chapped lips. He heard the sharp intake of breath as the Jaffa raised the lash to his naked back again and Daniel shuddered. To his credit, Daniel closed his eyes and said something in their own language that incensed them even more, and the lash rained down on his back leaving great wheals of bloody flesh in its wake and Daniel slumped.

Jack knew, had always known that sooner or later he would loose Daniel to the Go'auld's and only now realised why they picked on him. He spoke their language, he had been the last human to see Ra alive, and he was in fact Go'auld enemy number one. The system lords from the beginning had marked the whiz kid, who understood far too much including many of their secrets. That he was a civilian was never the issue, that he didn't deserve to be in this war was a moot point. When they took Shau'ri from him they took his life, and he was prepared to die in order to give them grief. For Danny it had to mean something.

Daniel had more heart and more soul of any man Jack had ever met, he knew that the quiet shy archaeologist was more than the sum of his parts. He was tall, solid if not trained, something he and Teal'c worked on regularly and prepared to defend his teammates with deadly force and accuracy. Yet still they all recognised the necessity of protecting him, and his ability only had a little thing to do with it, mostly it was the innocence.

The innocence he saw that died before his eyes less than ten hours ago. When Daniel raised his head again as he hung suspended between the two Jaffa guards there was steel in the steady blue eyes and anger. The whip tore into his body again and again and he made no sound, Sam bit back a sob as she watched the blood run freely and as each terrifying strike came upon the proud and swollen flesh Jack flinched as he kept the gaze steady with Daniels.

Suddenly he slumped and as he did Daniel kicked out with a foot and brought his assailant crashing down as he retrieved a zat gun and aimed low, one fell, the second not far behind. The third that held the whip was up, and despite his injuries Daniel was the quicker, sidestepping the third guard and snapping his neck in one clean elegant movement.

He stood breathing hard as he retrieved a Jaffa staff and aimed at the manacles that held Teal'c in place. Once freed Teal'c made short work in releasing his comrades from the shackles. Sam rushed to Daniel ready to offer what support she could and amazingly he stepped back away holding the staff ready in his hands. Reason lit the blue eyes and Jack wanted nothing more than to race forward and embrace the bleeding form, but Daniel kept him back, saying something along the lines that if he was coddled now he wouldn't make it back to the Gate.

It took them nearly two hours to get back to the gate and through the wormhole it was only then that Daniel's body protested the adrenalin and he slumped forward onto the metal ramp the blood barely crusted on his torn back.

Sam had chewed her lip when she'd come up to him and muttered. "Daniel said nothing sir, not a word. Not even to us."

He had made some suitably disparaging remarks about the Space Monkey and doggedly followed him to the infirmary when Janet cleaned the worst of the blood away and pumped him full of antibiotics and pain killers.

It all seemed so long ago, so far away and now he was sitting outside of Danny's tiny apartment block in his car waiting and hoping that he was wrong and that his boy was safe.

O'Neill took an abortive step as he thought that one through. When had he started thinking of Daniel Jackson as his boy? When had he mourned the loss of innocence in a friend? Check that O'Neill-a male friend. You've trained more recruits than you know what to do with, saw that same look a thousand times. So why when it was on Daniels face was it so much harder to take??

He fished the shopping back from the back of the Explorer along with the bag Janet had given him and headed upstairs. Uncertain as to what he would find, or how he could bring Daniel back to them.

A very small voice whispered into his heart - Just love him, and Jack smiled.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Long fingers tapped at the keyboard in the small apartment, just enough to make the note short, and to the point.

"Dear General Hammond,

It is with regret I am imperilled to tender my resignation from the SGC. I herewith offer one months notice.

Regards,

Dr. D. Jackson Ph.D."

Daniel sighed, blood smeared the keyboard but he was beyond caring, he checked the wording again, dated the note and emailed directly to the Generals PA, knowing full well it would be read and dealt with within moments. He saw no reason to wait for a reply and stood cautiously. The pain swamped him as he clenched his hands against the ensuing flood and he lurched forward, praying for it to stop.

It didn't, but at least he could stand and getting his second wind took the receiver from the hook and turned the cell phone off. He took the batteries out of the pager, and turned off the computer.

Silence.

Cold impersonal silence, and Daniel craved it, hugged it to him as though it were the very air he breathed and slowly felt his body heave with the effort. He knew instinctively that he was in shock, the fine tremors that rocked his slender frame growing more insistent as he snagged the half empty bottle of bourbon that Jack had left on an earlier visit. He made a face as he took in a long pull from the bottle, appalling his senses long enough for him to recognise that he was cold.

The sweats were clean and warm yet he hadn't been able to bring himself to putting on a shirt, tearing instead at the wet dressings under the shower. He sighed. Resigned. The word bubbled through him and out of his lips, he'd resigned. Never, in his entire life had he resigned, been asked to leave of that there was no doubt. In some more bizarre moments had actually been bodily removed, but he had never walked in his life.

The money wasn't the issue; he'd been poor before. Hell he'd been beyond poor; he just couldn't take it anymore.

He stood in the middle of room aware of the goodbye that stung his lips and moved over to the window. As far as military issue residences go, this was one of the best, certainly not the biggest but he liked it. The high arched cathedral style window that took in almost the entire side of the room overlooked the park, now dazzling in her autumn coat.

The sun, such as it was warmed him through and through and he felt disinclined to leave preferring to slide down the wall till he could rest his head on his knees and just looked, one last time as he had so often before seen the past move from him with an alacrity that mocked him. For Daniel Jackson, life had offered little comfort, and probably never would.

Another goodbye in a long list of them, Daniel was beginning to loose count, instead he reached over to his coffee table and pulled out his photo album. Its thin pages scarce with tiny black and white photo's of his parents and he felt the first hot tear slide down his face. It was a pain that would not die and even now he doubted that he could bear to say goodbye again.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Sergeant Ronsen had seen General Hammond in a bad mood on many occasions but with the small impersonal email that sat on his desk he speculatively decided an arctic weather station was more appealing than the full on heat of the Generals ire.

"What precisely do you mean Dr. Jackson has resigned?"

Ronsen handed over the document again. "Sir, it is from Dr. Jackson's home computer, it is legitimate."

"Get me O'Neill."

"He's left the base sir."

"He has a cell phone soldier use it!"

"Yes sir."

"And while you're at it, get Jackson on the line as well."

"Sir." The sergeant ripped of a crisp salute and rushed back to his desk.

Fifteen minutes of dialling it had taken before Ronsen reached O'Neill and was only mildly relieved to see that the General had actually left his head intact on that score.

"Colonel O'Neill?"

"Sir?" Jacks voice sounded tinny and a long way off.

"Are you aware of any reason why Dr. Jackson should want to resign from the SGC?"

Silence. "No sir." The words were too long in coming and Hammond understood that O'Neill had no prior knowledge of Daniel decision.

"Where are you now?"

"I'm on my way to see Daniel sir."

"Let me make it perfectly clear Colonel, Dr. Jackson's resignation is unacceptable." Hammond ordered.

"Agreed Sir, I'm on top of it."

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Jack stood outside the heavy door, his fist raised to bash at it again. He'd lost count of how long he'd been here, ten minutes at the very least before he fished in his pocket and found the spare key Daniel had given him months earlier. They had all swapped keys to each other's house, a kind of bond that most took for granted in a family.

He pushed at the door, and found that it gave, the security chain not on and Jack scowled, he'd told Danny time and time again to lock the door properly when he was at home. The room was in semi darkness. The light from the window paling into twilight making the sparse furniture and heavy bookcase look all that more bleak. A few framed pictures against the wall, some piece of parchment with rolling hieroglyphs from Abydos lovingly framed. Daniel had explained it once; it was a gift, for him from Shau'ri's family after she died. Something to remember them by before he left them, yet despite all of that and the computer on what was the living room table, the apartment still looked unlived in. Barely changed from the day Daniel took his one suitcase of civilian clothes and personal possessions and put them inside. From the day it became Danny's place it was never truly home, yet the closest thing that the young archaeologist had ever come to it.

He took in the room, no movement, the phone off the hook, the cell phone lying dead on the table and he had a horrid vision that maybe he had been too late. The bourbon bottle sat with the top off on the kitchen bench as Jack hefted the bags of groceries he'd stopped and bought on the way.

Daniel always perked up when he was fed. Seemed to be a constant, a cold tired hurting Danny was usually a hungry Danny. Military training had taught him to assess every situation before he ventured into it. Now he wasn't sure of what he was walking into. Darkness seemed to creep by degrees and despite the layering of his jacket and sweater he still found the place to be cold. The exposed brick interior walls of the converted mill come apartments, no doubt having had a lot to do with it. A sense of foreboding lingered as he walked into the lounge and turned on a small lamp. He peered into the gloomy pool of light that ached in the room and stopped turning his head on the side to listen.

It wasn't so much as sound as the absence of it, he felt rather than saw the dishevelled figure on the floor by the window, heard in his heart rather than with his ears the pain and with all the courage a US Air Force Black Ops trained Colonel was supposed to have, walked forward his resolve deserting him as he stopped and looked down.

From where he stood he couldn't help but see the smear of blood on the wall, he followed it down to where Daniel sat, his knees drawn tightly to his chest, his head resting on them as he curled forward and hugged himself. Long lashes partly obscured the rejected eyes but not before Jack saw the utter misery in that expression. A tiny part of him was overjoyed that Daniel was alive the rest of him dissolved when he understood the pain.

Charlie had been ten when he showed off his Dad's service revolver to his mates and shot himself once in the chest. He'd been dead before he hit the ground. Sara never forgave him that he could leave a loaded gun in the house, he never forgave himself and was prepared to die. Looking at the crumpled form he knew the grief that Daniel was going through and it chilled him.

He nearly tripped over the open book on the floor and as he reached down to retrieve it, saw the faces of a tiny family, not unlike his own had been before they lost Charlie. Mom, Dad and son all happy on some dig in the desert, probably Egypt, the child was unmistakable and across the cellophane was a smear of blood. Jack took a deep breath and put the book away before coming to sit next to his friend.

"Daniel?" he asked softly.

"Go away, Jack." Daniel's voice was so soft he had to strain to hear the words, no anger or irony, just a gut wrenching tiredness that he understood all too well.

"No." Jack forced the answer out passed the clench in his chest.

"Suit yourself." Daniel had kept his gaze averted, staring blindly off into space somewhere passed the assembled copse of trees, past the late afternoon sun and slight shimmer of rain, somewhere Jack was loathed to go.

"I usually do. Janet has a full head of steam up you know. If you're going to run away you're supposed to take your medication with you." Jack tried for levity and found that it fell flat.

A shrug, and with the shrug a wince as pain crammed through his battered body and pleaded with him to stay still.

"You know if you really didn't want to stay on base I would have sprung you. You didn't need to leave like you did Daniel." Was there anger and hurt in his voice? Jack took a steadying breath and tried for patience. A virtue he was hard pressed to possess as he saw the fine tremors that raked the younger man.

"Wanted to come home." Daniel said softly.

"I know Danny." Jack laid his hand on the bowed head and stroked gently, how many times had he reached out to Charlie the same way and brought him peace. This time his ministrations caused the younger man to flinch away as if burned and crawl further back into himself.

"Don't call me that." Daniel said softly.

"What?" Jacks dark eyes clouded with pain at the rejection. Surely Daniel knew he would never hurt his friend

"Danny."

"I've called you Danny for four years, you've never objected before."

"Mom used to call me that when I was little. Not a kid anymore Jack. See all grown up." There was a worrying slur in the voice.

"Grown ups don't run away from hospital to walk forty miles home in the rain when they are supposed to be resting." Jack answered swiftly, needing this break to get Daniel to open up to him.

"Didn't walk. Got a lift." Daniel answered softly curling back away his eyes focussing on something distant and painful.

"Only because Feretti saw you and offered you a lift."

Another shrug, this one was accompanied by a soft yelp as the pain exploded through his body.

"Daniel this is crazy, please talk to me." Jack reached out again but as the hand approached Daniel eyed it speculatively and pushed back against the cold stonewall. Jack retreated knowing full well the damage done to his friends back.

"'Bout?"

"What's going on Daniel?"

"Don't know." Came the honest reply.

"Well at least that's comforting."

"What are you doing here Jack?" Daniel finally looked up into his friend's face.

"Got worried about you. Had to see you were okay."

"And?" Daniel pushed the slur audible now, despite the penetrating blue gaze.

"Sam and Teal'c thought you might do something.." now he was here Jack couldn't say it.

"Thought I'd hurt myself? Is that it Jack?"

Jack nodded and watched as another shudder ran through the slender frame; this time Daniel didn't even bother trying to suppress it.

"Something like that." Jack admitted.

"No. Thought about it." Daniel admitted retreating once again, which Jack deduced was just as well since the world bottomed out for him at that point.

"And what conclusion did you come to?"

"Don't believe in an after life Jack. Been dead before remember? Nothing they're, nothing safe or saving, no love, no one waiting for me. No Gods or demons just an eternity of being alone, like it or not this is all I have." The voice became quieter as a tear slid down Daniel's face.

"And my guess is you don't like this life anymore?" Sod it Jack thought, he had to get close, the pain meds were wearing off and Daniel looked to be down to the last few breaths. Any longer and they'd take him out of here in a wagon.

"No. Everyone dies. My fault." Daniel sobbed brokenly. "They all leave me alone."

Jack took off his jacket and moved around in front of Daniel pulling the resisting body into a close embrace as he wrapped the warm coat around the tortured flesh and stroked softly down his back.

"Oh Danny, I haven't left you."

Daniel clung to the fabric of Jack's T-shirt clenching it in his hands as the tears and grief became too much for him. "You will, I get into trouble all the time and they'll kill you Jack or worse I will."

Jack continued the gentle rubbing holding the shuddering form close and rocking slowly. "Hey gave my word didn't I? Not leaving you."

"They all said that." And then it was out in the open a gut-wrenching sob that threatened to tear the young man in two as he buried his face in the chest before him.

Jack continued to rock him gently pulling him to his feet as he did so. Daniel couldn't stand without support and Jack took all of his weight when he felt the blood begin to pool under his fingers and through his jacket.

"Danny." Jack whispered urgently. "Danny." He pushed the younger man back and wiped at the tears the flowed with a gentle hand. "You're hurt and I have to stop the bleeding, please Danny don't fight me on this."

"Tired Jack."

"I know Danny, I know. Come on." Jack urged him forward snagging the bag of medication as he passed the table and steered Daniel towards the bathroom.

The damage was superficial and hadn't required stitching, however the welts went beyond the line of his trousers and down into the soft skin of his ass and legs. Jack shook his head, he knew he'd play that particular scene over and over in his mind for weeks to come yet but didn't remember Daniel being naked as he must have been to receive the injuries he was staring at. He marveled anew at how Daniel could inspire such innocent trust and possessiveness without conscious effort. Jack checked the temperature of the water and after standing Daniel in the bathtub began to gently wash away the blood that seeped from several of the wounds. Pale red tears flowed down his back as Jack's gentle hands soothed the ache in both heart and body.

Within moments he was done, replacing the strips of gauze and sealing the wounds behind the dry powder Janet had thought to give him. He swiped at Daniels legs with the soft towel and wrapped him firmly in his arms again before steering him to the bedroom.

"You're quiet Danny, you okay?" Jack pulled the covers back and urged the younger man forward.

Daniel shrugged and turned his face away towards the wall, trying to crawl away from the pain, aware he had shown too much of himself to his friend and that Jack would have no choice now but to see the coward. He'd managed to do it again; Jack would leave him as well. Better to go alone into the darkness.

"I'm not going to cut my wrists if that's what you mean." The voice that issued forth was full of self-loathing and pain. And in that Jack understood, Daniel thought himself weak because he couldn't kill himself.

"I'm glad to hear it, I have to get some water and I'll be back in a second. Can you stay awake that long?"

"Why should I want to?" Jack felt a tremor of fear claw its way into his belly when he heard the defeat in Daniel's voice.

He stayed for a second longer and sat on the edge of the bed, his hand instinctively going to the shuddering back.

"Daniel?"

"Why don't you just leave Jack? I'll take it from here."

"I told you, I'm not going anywhere, and that includes tonight. But Janet will kill me if I don't get the antibiotics into you. So could you please stay awake long enough for me to get back with some water?" Jack was using his best parental tone, the one that he employed when a kid was sick. It seemed to have the same affect on Daniel and he sighed heavily.

"Sure." Came the sleep heavy reply and Jack sprinted for the meds and water in one move, surprised at the speed and stamina he could still maintain despite his body's grievances about growing old.

Several minutes later Daniel downed the requisite drugs and Jack pulled the covers up close around him. As he dozed he became increasingly agitated that Jack was in fact leaving him, so without thought Jack took off his boots and laid down on the bed next to his friend, keeping as he did a reassuring hand on the hunched shoulder. By degrees Dr. Daniel Jackson drifted into an uncertain sleep.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Gratefully Daniel had a relatively easy night, he slept for a few hours and there was no marked increase in his temperature so infection was probably being kept in check with Janet's drugs. Jack on the other hand had found sleep impossible, especially when Daniel cried in his sleep, whether from pain or from memory Jack wasn't sure. But he was certain that it wasn't an isolated event of late, and that pain was back in his chest, choking him for being a fool for not seeing it before. He did know that he could no more leave the other man than he could anyone of his team and moved closer, whispering softly soothing words. Danny stopped on a small hiccuping sob and moved closer as he pressed his ear to Jack's chest listening to the soothing rhythm of his heart and once again drifted off into sleep.

Jack spent the night aware on a physical and emotional level what Danny was going through and somewhere around three am it became more about what Jack was feeling rather than what Daniel was going through. There seemed little point in the early morning light with the archaeologist wrapped securely around him the rightness of the situation. How it felt to be here for the young man, to give back some of the love and honour and support he'd taken for granted for the last four years.

When Jack shifted Danny protested and snuggled closer, even insinuating his leg between Jack's and putting pleasing pressure on parts of his body that should not be responding the way they were. Jack pulled the blankets up around the still shuddering frame willing his body back into submission.

Danny turned and the breath caught in his throat the pull on his back evidently causing pain as his eyes fluttered open and a soft moan parted the sensual lips. Jack groaned and rolled them both onto their side, face to face and swiped his hand gently over Daniel's long hair, brushing it back.

"Jack?" the name caught on surprise and expectance and Jack was rewarded with a half dreamy smile.

"Go back to sleep." Jack said softly.

"Made a mess of things haven't I Jack?" Daniels voice sounded stronger despite his discomfit.

Jack smiled again this time seeing the pain replaced by something else in the intense blue gaze. "Nah, Hammond rang me to say that your resignation is totally unacceptable and that I was to sort it out."

"What if I really want to leave Jack?"

O'Neill frowned as he caressed the long dark strands of hair and let them slip almost hypnotically through his calloused fingers.

"Then I couldn't stop you, but you'd have to convince me that you really wanted to go."

"Oh." Danny blinked in the darkness trying to see the expression on his Colonel's face as it lay next to him. "Jack?"

"Yes Danny?"

"Are we having an epiphany?"

"An ephiphawhat?"

"A moment Jack."

"Do you mean have I just worked out I love you?" Jack asked with what he hoped was a casual tone as Danny tensed under the gentle hand. His breathing shallow as the fear showed through. With the dark masking his face Jack continued. "Yes Danny I have and I do."

"What about the Air Force?"

"Well I'm not in love with the Air Force or SGC for that matter but we can work it out Danny."

"I won't cost you your career."

"What about yours?" Jack asked as he leaned in to gently brush his lips across the warm pliant ones of his friend.

Daniel laughed softly. "Erm well the academic community isn't exactly in raptures with me Jack. I could go back to teaching though."

"Purely hypothetical of course Danny, but I am assuming you'd want to have this discussion when you're not out of your brilliant mind on pain killers and adrenalin."

Danny nodded softly and snuggled in closer, his ear pressed to Jack's chest as he nuzzled under the proud chin and fell almost instantly asleep.

Jack cradled his precious burden to his chest and resolved to discuss it later. Sleep found him soon after.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

General Hammond did the circuit of his office and snarled at all who came across him. The hapless Sergeant Ronsen balked slightly as the big Texan staked the corridors and finally decided enough silence was more than enough.

"Ronsen." His voice cutting the early morning air like a knife through butter. He'd be damned if he let Dr. Daniel Jackson leave the SGC without a fight. He knew that the young man's brilliance was the single mitigating factor that kept the credibility of the SGC going. He believed in the Go'auld threat and re-enforced that on a regular basis to the joint chiefs as often as possible. He knew that without SG1 operating and intact that the entire SGC would be compromised.

"Damn!" Hammond spat as his PA came skidding to a halt.

"Sir!" The salute was parade ground perfect.

"Get me my car Sergeant. I'll be off base for a few hours." If it was a matter of money then that at least he could give, besides, Daniel Jackson never did anything without reason and careful thought. Okay so he'd be cool and give him just about any damned thing he wanted, but right now, all he wanted to do was prove that SG1 was still a go.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

"Are you sure Carter DanielJackson will appreciate this intrusion?" Teal'c studied the building again and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm sure besides, that's the Colonel's car over there." Sam pointed to the Explorer that sat on the side of the road. He hand snaked into the back seat to retrieve the bag of food and searched her pocket for keys.

"This is a strange ritual Carter."

Sam smiled, "Well given the circumstances if we get hurt we don't want to have to break down any doors. As the Colonel likes to point out, were family now. A team, we look after each other."

Teal'c inclined his head and smiled a little lopsided grin that suited the big black man well.

"And DanielJackson will be hungry." Teal'c said as an afterthought as Sam handed him the bag.

She didn't knock, just let them in, her eyes drawn to the phone off the hook, which she replaced, the blood on the keyboard and the dark smear down the wall and she paled visibly.

Teal'c put the bag of food on the counter and began unpacking it as he unpacked the bag Jack had left the night before and moved to fill the coffee machine with the good coffee he knew Daniel kept in the back of the cupboard in the sealed jar. Sam sniffed at the deep aroma and began tidying the house up. Removing signs of the previous night, wiping desultory away at the bloodstains and putting things back together before she set the table for breakfast.

In almost perfect harmony Teal'c followed her and placed out the sweet rolls and the orange juice on the table. Sam turned quickly and bumped into the hard planes of Jack O'Neill's chest. His short hair was still sleep tousled.

"Oh, sorry sir." Sam said quietly.

"How is DanielJackson?" Teal'c ever direct asked the question.

"Asleep, and you were both right he was in bad shape, but I think the worst is over." Jack sounded relieved, the hard edge to his lips softened into a smile.

"It's good you were here for him sir, I doubt we could have gotten through to him."

"Danny is stubborn, but even he isn't as stubborn as me." Jack answered softly. "You making breakfast?" he looked hopefully at Sam, Teal'c's last effort at cooking was less than satisfactory.

"Yes sir, unless you want us to go."

"No." he patted Sam awkwardly on the shoulder as he poured himself a cup of the coffee and sipped at the hot fluid. He closed his eyes and let the caffeine kick into his system and sighed heartily. "Food would be good. Better than good." He smiled as his stomach rumbled.

"O'Neill is DanielJackson still in danger of hurting himself?"

"No Teal'c, he never really was, although he had admitted to thinking about it."

Sam dropped the knife she was holding into the sink and her shoulders twitched. Jack knew that hunch saw it often enough in the first few days after Charlie died with Sara and he wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder.

"Daniel wont hurt himself that way Sam, he's safe, but he needs to know he isn't alone. We can give him that." He turned the diminutive blond towards him and brushed the tears away from her face with the back of his hand.

"Is that an order sir?" Sam smiled.

"If you like, I think Danny could do with a coffee, though to wake up."

"So could I." The voice that came from the doorway bought them all upright and Jack turned to salute.

"General." Sam snapped off a salute as well.

"At ease troops, not here on official business. Where's Dr. Jackson."

"Still asleep, I was just taking him in some coffee." Jack poured out a second cup and handed it to the General.

"Have you eaten sir?" Sam asked.

Hammond favoured them with a smile. "Not yet."

"Then I shall set another place at the table." Teal'c said softly the low rumble of his voice echoing across the room.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Jack stood in the doorway to Danny's bedroom and just watched as the young man brought himself up from the gentle wave of sleep that had claimed him. Saw as the hand snaked out to his side of the bed and the frown when he found that it was not only empty but also cold and he curled in on himself again.

"You know for a bright kid, sometimes you can be really stupid Daniel." Jack spoke quietly closing the door behind him; there was no sting in the voice only affection.

"Sorry." Daniel mumbled without opening his eyes. His sense of smell though found the coffee with a few sniffs and he struggled to sit up in the bed. Jack put the mug down and helped him up piling pillows behind his back and brushing a few stray strands of hair back away from his face.

"I know, you ah, have a fan club cooking you breakfast."

"I thought I heard Sam." Daniel sipped the coffee and smiled softly, "and she's been teaching Teal'c how to make coffee."

"Ya think? Oh and General Hammond is out there too."

Daniel shuddered. "I resigned Jack."

"Yeah I know, but he's got his determined look on, so I guess he's going to offer you more money to stay."

"Don't need the money. Have more than I need."

"Daniel don't be silly, you'll always need the money. Besides if he's offering this is the chance for you to renegotiate your contract."

Daniel did laugh at that and wiped a still unsteady hand over his eyes. "Jack I don't have a contract."

Jack's eyes widened. "You're kidding me right?"

"No. It was enough that they supplied accommodation, and food and well I get pocket money and all the facilities I need. I don't need money."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me. You need a keeper you know that?" Jack folded his arms across his chest.

"I thought you put your hand up for that last night." Daniel reached a hand forward and rested it on Jack's arm.

"I did." Jack's head snapped up and his eyes searched the slightly foggy blue ones in front of him.

"Good. Cause I really don't think I can at the moment, look after myself I mean." A tear found its way down his face and Jack leaned in to kiss it away.

"Lord alone knows what you see in a cranky old Colonel with bad knees." Jack wrapped his arms around Daniel's body and pulled it back against his chest stroking the silky hands. "Shook me bad last night Danny. Seeing you against that wall broke my heart. I knew then that I wanted to look after you, wanted you to know what you mean to me, to the team to those you allow to get to know you."

"Everyone has a wall Jack, just I found mine a lot sooner than I thought I would."

"Yeah I guess." Jack breathed in his friends scent. "You have a team of people out there waiting for you, the least you could do is make an appearance."

"Can I come back here Jack?"

"To bed?"

Danny nodded, "no, here." He patted Jack's chest with a hand and swayed into the touch.

"That's one place you'll never leave."

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Daniel emerged slowly from the bedroom, his bare feet sticking out from under the dark blue pyjama bottoms he wore. Blood seeping through some of the bandages made the oversized white shirt cling to his back and he still felt as though most of the world was out of sync with him.

For the most part the assembled group just stopped to stare including Jack smiled to himself General Hammond.

Danny had no idea how beautiful he was, long lean limbs with toned muscles, dark hair the colour warm chestnut framing a face that was in itself enough to stop the hearts of any who really looked at him. Couldn't understand how those long lashes that batted down over the soulful blue eyes could stop people in their tracks. How natives of some of the more obscure planets willingly placed their children in his arms, or how they adored him in the simple pattern of knowing a gentle soul when they saw it.

Jack breathed a sigh of relief when those same eyes found his above Sam's head as she hugged him close and fussed over him. In that moment the innocence he had feared lost had returned, a little haunted and disoriented but more or less whole.

"You having a party without me?" Danny asked softly as Sam wrapped an arm around his waist and steered him to the heavily laden table.

"Nah thought we'd have one for you Dr Jackson." Jack smiled.

"It is good to see you smile again DanielJackson." Teal'c had hung back until Daniel reached out a hand and finally enveloped the big man.

"I have a lot of apologies to make." Daniel said softly as he looked down at the steadily increasing rate of food being piled up on his plate.

"We all do things we regret son, the only time we need to apologise is when we fail to stop ourselves." Hammond offered patriarchally

"About the resignation sir." Daniel offered around a mouthful of eggs.

"Not acceptable Dr. Jackson."

Daniel sought Jacks eyes for a moment before continuing. The exchange not lost on the General. "With all due respect, sir, neither are the conditions of my employment."

Sam held her breath.

"I see." Hammond answered slowly as he picked up the coffee cup.

"No sir, I don't think you do. If I am to continue with the SGC I will require certain amendments to my employment."

"Such as?"

Sam smiled, she knew that look that Daniel had and knew he was going in for the kill.

"You are failing to meet the basic standard requirements that I have been offered in the private sector sir. We need to come to an agreement before I can come back to work." Daniel looked again for Jack who was smiling despite himself.

"You have some ideas son?" Hammond smiled as well, at the very least the situation was open to negotiation.

"Yes sir, I can draft a proposal and email it to your office tomorrow."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow; aware that Daniel had just agreed to come back and wondered how long it would take before the General caught on.

"Well you've been stood down for forty eight hours effective from today, I am sure we can come to a suitable agreement."

"We will be entering into an enterprise bargaining contract sir, I think we could start with the USAF placing Teal'c on a salary remonstrate with his abilities as a special advisor."

"No doubt." Hammond agreed a little too quickly for Jacks liking.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

The rest of the meal passed in amicable conversation, just as any family celebration did. Danny went back to bed after Sam agreed to redress his wounds, Teal'c cleaned up and Hammond took the opportunity of cornering O'Neill before he left.

"Have Dr. Fraser check him out Colonel, he doesn't look well."

"Sir, Daniel been through hell and back these last few months, I doubt there's anything Dr. Fraser can give him we can't."

"Yes I had noticed."

Jack blushed. "Noticed what sir?"

"I'm not blind man, our archaeologist is very dependant on you." There was a very patriarchal tone to the statement.

"Yes sir, I know."

"I want him back at SGC Colonel, and if I have to negotiate the terms with him I have no doubt he will be fair. Its his emotional stability that bothers me."

"Stress sir, he'll be fine."

"Look after him Colonel, without Dr. Jackson I doubt there would be an SGC."

"I intend to sir." Jack smiled; Danny had come back out looking for the aspirin and caught Jack's eyes. Even across the room the General saw the lessening tension in the archealogists broad shoulders, and his eyes shone bright before he ducked his head and followed Sam's lead to the bedroom. "It all of course depends on what he wants sir." Jack continued smoothly.

"I think Jack," General Hammond said gently, knowing full well the impact of using his first name, "he knows exactly what he wants. And unless I miss reading my people he has just found it."

Jack O'Neill, at forty four years old, seen too many campaigns was left speechless as the old man shot him a salute and turned on his heel. Fully aware of the steady gaze of the Jaffa on him, he still couldn't suppress the grin that erupted.

It's an old wall, he thought, and it waits cool and impatient for those who have finally reached it, but by the gods Daniel would make it over and Jack knew without doubt he'd have help getting him there.

Fin.