Through The Wire 1

Through The Wire

by Ravenschild

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asr/ravenschild/wire01.php
Summary: Danny is missing, and Jack has to write the eulogy. Jacks POV.

Oh Danny! Your hands are cold, and I can see your face through the wire. Your voice is soft and full of understanding. How can you not understand, how can you not see what's before you. You who can see everything, from within the souls of the ancients to arcane texts that the rest of us see only gibberish. We who care too little, and you my friend, cared too much. But did you see?

Why now? Two months you've been lost to us and I have to write your eulogy, why did you do it Danny? Why did you volunteer to be taken? What part of you did you think would go unnoticed? God and your hands, so cold as I reach out through the wire to touch them to keep you with me and keep you safe. And then the tide rises. Bodies push around me and your words ringing with conviction and something else Danny, what was that? Relief? They pull you away from me, and I see the haunted pain in your face as the endless stream of people washing you back away from me engulfs you. I hate them Danny, I hate them all. Every man who hurt you, every woman who left you, every friend who denied you, and in that I hate myself more than you could ever know.

Even now I close my eyes seeing the broken faces and hearts of those of us left behind. And we pray in the endless silence that you would call God, or conscience that somewhere, somehow I can accept this. That it was a tactical decision, that we had no choice but to retreat, that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I guess you never thought I had it in me to be able to quote the classics did you?

Your words, lost now only to my memory as Carter pulled me back, you asked me to understand. To stay safe and I failed you. I promised to get you back and now your lost to me and I am left to do what? Mourn your passing and get on with my life? How can I do that? How can I return to the gate room and be able to function, part of my team is missing. Yeah, that's good part of me team. Dammit Danny, part of my heart is missing, the best part, the part that contains my soul, my humanity, my love.

How is it you never knew? Or did you? Did I disgust you? Did I offend you? Why the sacrifice? I'm so cold; I'm sitting here in what used to be your office. Surrounded by your reference books, the artefacts cold as stone and lost just as my heart is and I am trying to write your eulogy to be delivered at ten am sharp tomorrow morning.

The General didn't want to give up looking for you, but you know what the brass is like dontcha? You knew even before I did the ruthlessness of the military machine, the same sonofabitch that spawned me. That made me as I was, but somewhere along the way what we did was good. Wasn't it? I mean we did do good stuff sometimes, like saving the earth that was pretty awesome.

And when we brought Earnest home and Katharine finally got to go through the gate, I should have known then that you would leave me. But like this Danny? So cold, so alone, and I am supposed to behave as if nothing has happened to change my life.

Change is the only constant the only thing that matters, the only reality that is, and I am incapable of fighting it anymore. Go with the flow. Yeah well! This flow is over Danny, no more. I can't do it anymore. I've lost more than I cared to remember because of the military. Don't ask, don't tell. What the hell is that all about? Damn if I'd have been a man, Danny, not a fucking piece of military shit, I'd have had the guts to tell you. You would have known just how much you were needed. Loved. There happy now I've said it. You would know how much you were loved.

I can't do this Danny; I can't deliver your eulogy. I can't believe that you're dead. I wont, damn I'll go to my grave believing that somehow you made it through. And if you didn't? God Danny. If you didn't I have to believe it was quick that they wouldn't have made you suffer too much. The Go'aulds were looking for hosts for their children, and you had to volunteer didn't you? You had to take that one final step away? You had to be the one. Well they may as well have taken me because when this is done Danny I'm outta here. No more. No more snakeheads, no more planets, no more saving the universe. Just me and a hole in my heart that will never be filled again. I thought when Charlie died I knew grief, that I knew pain, that I was ready to die, well congratulations Colonel Jack O'Neill has come full circle. Wonder what the military would say to that?

Can you see the looks on their faces as I stand there in the morning and tell them that I loved you? Not in the way comrades in arms love, nor the way a friend loves, but that special bond that lasts for life when you find the other half of your soul. Can you see their faces now?

Teal'c knows. I know he knows, don't ask me how, you're the linguist you work it out but he knows. And so does Carter; she's been working on the computer trying to figure out where they took you. Off duty now that you've been considered dead. Damn it Danny I can't even write it, it just doesn't get easier. I doubt it ever will. She's so tired Danny but she wont give up, she keeps bringing me coffee and patting me on the shoulder and telling me that it will be alright, that we'll get you back. How long before hope dies Danny? How long before the ache goes? How long will the suffering of those of us left behind have to face before we give in? Before we give up? Hell two months Danny and I'm there now. No more. Its decided then, you always were a good listener.

As soon as I deliver the speech General Hammond will have my resignation. I will make it very very clear to him why I'm going and be damned with the hypocrisy that denies me the ability to love whom I choose. When I choose. Consequences be damned.

Oh God. Let me sleep.

Next: The Reprieve