Through The Wire 3

The Looking Glass

by Ravenschild

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asr/ravenschild/wire03.php
Summary: Hard to define, Daniel's thoughts prior to going through the gate home but can he beleive what he finds on the other side.

DANIEL

Loneliness, now there's a concept I'm familiar with. You know it's funny, I can't imagine being alone out there, never, but to be with a group of people whom I trusted, who I thought had come to trust me was something I'm really not all that familiar with, but hey why argue a good thing?

Firstly I'm an archaeologist, like my parents, always digging into the lives of the past, the dusty remains of an existance a hundred lifetimes ago and I feel a strange empathy with the bones and decay I touch. Isolated, alone and in being so oddly at peace with my world and work, perhaps it's because it stops me from looking too closely at my life. Perhaps if I did I'd come to understand these feelings of revulsion that well up inside of me and offer me no consolation. Perhaps they stop me from seeing the decay of me.

Do I understand them? These old bones, these artefacts that I cradle in my hands or do I use them to hide behind, keeping me at a safe distance so I never have to be too close to an individual again?

Probably.

For all my skills as a linguist, for all my ability to understand and read other people, for all that I am I still find humanity intimidating. Out here in this place, I thought perhaps I was doing something good, that no matter who would know, that I would; and that I had done something useful that made me a better human was all the motivation I needed, but now? Something inside of me is broken and I feel its loss more keenly than I could feel the death of my wife. I've held her child in my hands and knew that it was the last thing I could do for her. To watch her die, to be so helpless in her defence and in all that time that she whispered she loved me, in all the gentle touches for a moment I found peace. For a moment I believed I was worth something to someone.

But life cannot go on in the moment, we all must live, must die and must be, it's the being nothing that makes me shudder. Will my death mean anything at all? Can I pretend any longer that the faces around me are totally cognizant of what they say, that they can in fact care for one such as me? I doubt it, I don't care for me and they in moral indignation will rant and rave and finally when all is said and done have capitulated to my will; and have done nothing to save the tiny spark of humanity that was Daniel Jackson.

Have I ever told them what I wanted from them? Well that's my fault and like everything else in life, I can own my own problems and be responsible for the problems of others and find myself wallowing in the mire of emotional disgrace. I simply don't like me. I don't like the life that I have to live and don't want it anymore. People stare pointlessly at me; want me for what I can do but don't look beyond to the needs of the person, and it was no different on Earth.

Truth be told, Jack, my so-called best friend, scares the hell out of me. Always has, always will. He intimidates me in the Alpha male way and I find myself willing to back down even when I know he's wrong because it's not worth the effort to argue with him any longer. He'll do things the way he wants to anyway and everything else is damned. It's time for me to let go and just walk away. I don't feel anymore, oddly the disconnection should scare me, should make me want to jump and wave my arms and tell people that I have rights, that they cant walk on me, but why bother. Overemotional Daniel Jackson, the good doctor who wears his heart on his sleeve, great archaeologist, lousy at interpersonal skills.

Never thought I could laugh in a vacuum but hey out here amongst the stars its kind of liberating, makes me feel like I can do anything at all. The gate is shimmering and I've keyed in the sequence so why am I still here watching them get closer to me? Why can't I just walk through? Because I'm not suicidal? Wrong. Either way I die, I just don't want to do it alone, don't want to be alone when I die, want them, no need to believe that I died for something.

In all my years I've never felt so useless, so confused and so totally misplaced as I do right now, maybe it's their drugs, maybe it's this planet, frankly I think it's just me. Pity my friends never really knew who I was.

Well maybe Sam knew, maybe she saw, but then that's a lot of maybes. Teal'c? I've forgiven him right? Know he is a different man to the one who stole my wife from me and picked her to be Amonhet's host, the man who killed her in the end? Even I couldn't set her free, perhaps I didn't love her enough, and maybe that is my guilt.

I wonder if they think it's funny? The guards coming up on the gate, silly little human, blood streaked and beyond his limits crouching before the gate laughing and crying at the same time, what kind of spectre do I make?

Pathetic and full of self-loathing, that's probably what they see. That to hang on to the last vestiges of life is the most tenacious ability we as humans have to offer, that's why the Go' auld want us so badly. Together we can rule the universe but only if we allow them to rule as first. Like that'll ever happen.

They come so close to me now, one Jaffa even smiles as he lowers his weapon and holds out a hand. I understand what he's saying. His words roll over me and I could believe them, that if my friends wanted me they'd have found me, that I should not be out here alone and cold, to come back and it will be warm and they will look after me. He's crooning to me like a lost and wounded child and it's all I need to push me over into the abyss. The last thoughts are that I am not worthy even of Jaffa's pity and pray that my friends understand that.

~~~)0(~~~

"Incoming traveller alert! General - Chevron three engaged."

"There are no SGC teams due back, lock the iris."

"Wait!" Sam Carters voice rose shrilly over the enormous racket that shook the mountain. "Sir, it could be Daniel."

"Major, we cannot allow the base to be compromised."

"Chevron four engaged." The technician's fingers darted furiously over the keyboard trying to raise a GDO sequence and shuddered at the implications of an impending Go'auld attack.

"Sir, the Biophysicists and I have been working on a programme which will allow us to recognise Go'auld DNA whilst in transit. At least let me run it. Sir if it is Daniel.." tears welled in her bright blue eyes as she held her breath.

"Run the bioscan Major." He turned to the technician and added. "Someone find Colonel O'Neill and get me a full security detail on the double."

"Chevron's five and six engaged."

"Major we are running out of time." Hammond folded his hands behind his back and watched the petite blonde.

"Sir, got it. Incoming traveller is human, no Go'auld DNA found in the bio trace."

"Contact medical get Dr Frasier down here with a team. Lieutenant open the iris."

"Yes sir."

The security detail arrived and took flanking positions at the ramp, the blast doors were locked and the iris opened. The shimmering pool of the event horizon both beautiful and deadly rippled along the vortex and was still. Long minutes passed as they watched ready for the ever-present danger to launch a new offensive against them. This time however the surface remained motionless, light emerged in waves and crashed back in on it as the never ending cycle of the surface coalesced and changed and still no one came through.

"General, the planet of origin is not in the database, nor is it one from the Abydos cartouche." Sam tapped the key sequence on her computer and froze when she saw the Colonel arrive.

"Log it for future survey Major, we'll send a MALP through."

"Ah Sir?" O'Neill's voice sounded tired.

"We have off world activation Colonel, one incoming traveller who appears to be human without Go'auld DNA."

"And we know this how?" O'Neill raised an eyebrow.

"Major Carter has developed a bioscanner to identify the DNA sequence of incoming travellers." Hammond answered.

"It could be Daniel, Sir." The major breathed quietly as she watched the iris.

"Could be a lot of things Sam." He patted her on the shoulder, the sharp sting of his words echoing the hopelessness they all felt.

The vortex shimmered and finally disgorged its contents onto the ramp. A small dishevelled figure, dressed in nothing but a surgical gown, long rivers of blood trickled down his arms and onto the ramp. Thick hair normally the colour of honey longer now and resembling pale straw. Pale features took in the room as the large blue eyes sought out familiar faces and on finding non raised the zat gun in his hand as the soldiers shifted the bolts in the weapons and prepared to fire.

"Security detail stand down. Doctor Jackson?" Hammond's voice cut the air like a blowtorch as Daniel looked up bewildered and confused.

O'Neill took off at a run towards the embarkation room with Carter in tow and skidded to a halt as the zat gun aimed deliberately at his chest.

"Danny?" O'Neill held his hands wide and frowned. "Not armed here Daniel, put the gun down."

~~~)0(~~~

DANIEL:

See now I know I'm dreaming. This is all just another of their sick mind fucks. I can see them, can smell them, this drug is getting really good because I can even believe I'm back at the SCG, except I know I'm not.

God it hurts, keeps hurting, I probably never even escaped from the lab, and am not bleeding or feeling like shit because hey, this really isn't happening. See I knew they'd screw it up somewhere. Even Jack looks perfect, and there was always a flaw in their programming somewhere. Jack never looked well Jack-ish if you get my drift. But damn this one is almost perfect. He's talking to me, telling me to put the gun down.

I guess the Go'aulds are going all out to see how far they can push me, they made me kill him once, but can they make me not kill him this time is the question. Maybe they want me to kill myself which I guess isn't a bad thing. Maybe if I do in real time I'll flat line and once I'm over I wont come back. Been there done that, needs strength to come back from the dead, haven't got any left, all out sorry.

"Daniel, put the gun down." Okay so this is weird never really got the chance to talk in one of these hallucinations before so I guess I'll try it just once.

"Why?" Geez! Is that my voice? Sounds so dry and rusty.

"Because I don't want you to get hurt." His voice is soothing. Oh look, there's Sam and Teal'c and wow Teal'c's got a little beardy thing that's kinda like a worm on his chin. Wonder how the Go'auld knew that and Sam's hair is different, softer, and more cream than honey. Damn I think I'm laughing, gotta stop, it hurts.

"Why? If you shoot me I can't play your games any more, what's wrong Jack, think you've lost your new toy?" Ouch! Was that me? No see, now I know this is a nightmare.

"Daniel?" He looks confused as he approaches slowly. "Danny, please. Whatever this is we can beat it, put the gun down." His voice is soft, like it was after Sha're was taken, when he took me home, when he gave me my life back. Haven't heard him use that in a long while.

"Jack?" I'm giving in here, he's coming closer and damn but it even smells like him and I can't believe I'm back. Ah there it is, I knew there was a flaw. Getting slow Jackson, no GDO I should have been particalised by now, in a bazillion itty bits all over the universe. But no, I'm standing on the embarkation platform at the top of the ramp in what is supposed to be the SGC.

I turn to look over at the door to my left and Janet's standing there with a worried look on her face. Okay that does it. They don't know what Janet looks like, and I've never been able to imagine people before otherwise I'd imagine a nice new life where my parents didn't die and I was permanently six years old and loved. I had no control over the vision, but now, damn it hurts.

"That's it Danny. Put the gun down." He's close, so close I can almost reach out and touch him, there's blood on my fingertips as I reach towards him and he smiles holding out his hands for me.

No. This is wrong, he shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be here, here is not here and I don't want to let them go on killing me by degrees, rather get it done than hang around. I arm the zat gun with a flick and it hisses to life in my hand. The long neck arcing upwards to stare straight at Jack. I can hear the guns being loaded and smile, the tears that stream down my face are real enough and I can't hear anything except the hammering of my heart and the blood pounding in my ears. I can do this, the gun is not that heavy as I put it to my temple.

"Hold your fire." Hey that's the General's voice and I can see him looking startled and worried as the security detail relaxes again. "Dr. Jackson? Son? Put the gun down."

It's cold, damn it's so cold and Jack is so close, why can't he reach me? "Jack?" I'm sobbing and the gun is still in my hand and I just want to go home so badly.

"Danny, it's real," somehow he knows why I'm scared, dont think an hallucinaton can do that can it? "You're home, don't know how you did it space monkey but you're home. Please, please Danny put the gun down."

Space monkey, the Go'aulds didn't know that either and I can feel his fingers feather light on my face as I collapse onto the deck. The zat gun clatters to the ramp and all I can do is clutch at his shirt and pray.

Next: Wonderland