Through The Wire 4

Wonderland

by Ravenschild

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asr/ravenschild/wire04.php
Summary: Danny has finally made it back, but can he trust his own senses?

JACK:

Pacing, I can do pacing, especially in hospitals. Or more importantly outside hospital rooms, especially when it's part of my team or family in behind the doors. See I can even manage to look calm, although from the sideways glances Teal'c and Carter are throwing me I guess I'm not succeeding. Doc Frasier has been in with Danny now for nearly two hours and it's gone quiet. Too damn quiet, like it did when the docs gave up on Charlie. Fuck, I'm not supposed to remember that, they went quiet when he was born as well, then I heard him cry, man it was the sweetest sound. Seventeen hours in labour and then this tiny baby with white blonde hair and the biggest eyes I've ever seen on a kid. Can't hear Danny crying though which is a good thing right? Right?

Like who am I trying to convince? I can't count the times Danny's defied the odds and came home. The original come back kid, with nothing more to his explanations than a soft smile and a nod of his head. But this time, sweet Jesus I've seen him banged up before. Seen him go through withdrawals, beatings, torture just about every evil the Go' auld bastards can throw at him and then some, but this. I gotta stop shaking ya know, otherwise I'll be in there with him, and we can have matching beds.

Sweet.

Not!

How long is it gonna take?

~~~)o(~~~

"Colonel?" Janet ran a tired hand across her face and opened her clipboard as she strode out into the corridor. Jack jumped at the sound of her voice and three other sets of eyes fixed on the petite doctor.

"Janet?" Sam Carter prompted as she drew closer.

"Daniel will be fine." The words they all were praying to hear releasing some pent up emotions from the small cluster of people. Jack stepped back and took in the concerned frown and nodded, like a gut punch waiting to happen Jack could tell by the doctors face something was wrong. And if he were any judge of people at all it was very, very wrong.

"But?" Jack pitched his voice evenly; almost cold in its delivery it stunned even him.

"But?" Teal'c echoed the question.

"Daniel has been exposed to a number of psychoactive drugs, we're waiting for the complete chemical analysis to come back from the labs but from what we can recognise mostly they appear to be hallucinogenic. There appears to be no long term physical damage."

"Now there you go using the word physical, what aren't you telling us Doc?" Jack crossed his arms across his chest and glowered, the deepening frown attempting to hide his growing alarm.

"Colonel." General Hammond interceded and waited for the doctor to finish her diagnosis. "Go on." He prompted gently the Texan drawl even more pronounced also showed his level of concern.

"Colonel O'Neill is correct. We've isolated a number of drugs, many of them we know or at least can recognise the basic chemical compounds, but we're unsure of the psychological effect when used as prolonged and in the combinations as they were on Daniel. My best guess?"

Jack nodded and the cold fear spread into his chest. He stole a glance at Carter and noted the greying pallor and Teal'c's hold on his staff weapon increased.

"Daniel is exhibiting some disturbing signs and we won't know the extent of the damage until we have cleared his system of the drugs. He is in shock, has multiple cuts and abrasions; he has infections around the wound sites, coupled with dehydration and malnutrition. He is withdrawn and uncommunicative. I've had to sedate him and he's been restrained." Janet winced at the look the Colonel threw her.

"Is that absolutely necessary?" Hammond asked incredulously.

"Yes sir, it is. He's still hallucinating. The drugs we were able to identify are not physically addictive, but they last a long time in the body. Any medication I add will only make him worse right now, and prolong his recovery. His brain chemistry is already saturated with hallucinogenic drugs.

"If he's not alright will he have to be institutionalised?" Jack asked without he hoped too much fear in his tone.

"It's too early to call Colonel, if he doesn't recover and continues with the psychotic episodes then it's a possibility. I am hopeful however, he did recognise you and during the examination he did call for you a couple of times."

"He called for me?" Jack felt guilt suddenly stab at his heart and looked down.

"Can we see him?" Teal'c stepped forward and arched his eyebrow aware of his leaders distress and buying him some time to deal with the complex emotions that tangled in his mind.

"Yes but don't expect too much. Please try not to startle him, speak softly and reassure him. If he becomes agitated call me immediately."

"The hallucinations?" Jack stalled and allowed Sam and Teal'c to go ahead of him; somehow he couldn't bare to see Daniel with the rest of his kids around him. He needed to be alone with him, he needed to hold him. The Colonel shook his head and tried to refocus, what he needed was to be there for Danny, come what may.

"He doesn't trust where he is Colonel. He thinks that this is a trick set up by the Go'aulds to control him."

"I don't follow." Jack stared hard at the ashen face of Carter as she re-emerged from the ward, tears streaking her pretty face. Teal'c showed little emotion during times of adversity but even now his jaw clenched and was set in firm hard lines. He took up his position outside the door to guard his friend.

"Daniel is not a host, they used him to trail some new chemical compounds. It appears that they are becoming weaker as a species or that we are able to resist them which means the newer generation of Go'aulds are not as strong as their ancestors."

"So they intend to use drugs to lower the resistance of the host and allow the Go'auld to take over." Carter theorised.

"Precisely." Janet shut the chart and folded her hands.

"Ah Sir?" Carter faced the Colonel, the tone quiet with worry and concern.

"Yes Carter."

"He's bad Sir wouldn't say anything he just laid there and shook."

"Daniel's strong Sam, he'll be fine."

She nodded as he patted her clumsily on the shoulder and took a deep breath. He'd seen men in hospital too many times for it to truly affect him, or so he thought. This would be no different, they'd make it through and Danny would be fine. Sure Jack, just keep believing that he chided himself silently.

He wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions that swamped him when he entered the room. Daniel's eyes had become light sensitive and Janet had warned him she needed to keep the lights low.

Which meant something else, something that he knew too well. During the Gulf they used sensory deprivation to break strong men, tried to isolate them and then use their need against them. Sometimes sexual, often brutal and always to get what they wanted heedless of the man they destroyed. Jack shuddered in barely suppressed apoplectic rage, Danny had had too many things go wrong in his life, he did not need to be snakehead lab rat, or to be alone. He deserved better than life served him. He deserved better than Jack O'Neill.

Without conscious thought Jack stopped at the bedside, the shuddering frame looked tiny against the pale sheets. Dark restraints bound his archaeologist to the bed and Daniel's face was turned away in anguished despair. Jack felt his heart lurch and sat heavily on the chair next to the bed.

The large blue eyes were closed and bruised, not from violence but from pain, the normally honey hair that hung thick and luxurious over his eyes, hair that Jack wanted time and time again just to run his fingers through, hung limp and pale, thick and matted the colour of freshly mown hay and all at once Daniel looked vulnerable and incredibly young.

"Danny?" Jack remembered the doctor's instructions and kept his voice low, reaching out a shaking hand to rest on the thin hand splayed against the sheets.

"J'ak?" Daniel turned his head and opened his eyes, and for the first time in years Jack cried. He'd seen despair, he's seen hopelessness, he'd even seen death but for the first time ever he saw desolation and pain in Daniel's eyes and was helpless to stop it.

"Hey Danny." Jack's voice caught again this time throbbing with his own pain at the sight of his friend.

"J'ak?" the soft voice slurred with humour as Daniel began to shake and the tears came unhindered to his eyes.

"Not supposed to cry Danny, Doc Frasier will send me home."

"Not home." Danny said after a long silence, his voice a ragged whisper.

"Danny you're here in the Mountain; you're safe and you can go home soon." Jack reassured as he caressed the thin hand.

"Not. Playing with me again."

"Why?"

"Go'aulds like to play."

"Yeah well not here, not now, you're safe Danny."

Daniel jerked his hand away from Jack's gentle ministrations and when he found he couldn't escape glared at the man by his bedside. "Not Jack, go away." He began to tremble.

"Danny it's me. Come on space monkey."

Daniel began to cry his reserves falling one by one as he stared at the man next to him. "Not Jack, not true. Go 'way."

"Okay." Jack drew a steadying breath, somehow he had to find out what made Daniel so convinced he wasn't home and hating himself for the deception played along with it. "What gave it away?"

Daniel's laugh was brittle as it echoed off the walls of his despair. "Jack doesn't talk to me like that anymore."

Jack's heart sank. "Like what?" confused he sat forward.

"Like he cares. Jack doesn't care bout me anymore. He yells or ignores me and questions everything I do. So I know." Danny closed his eyes and sighed heavily the tears never ceased. "You're not my Jack."

"You need to sleep." Jack answered around the sour taste of his own guilt.

"No." the tone gently pleading broke the Colonel's heart.

"Why?"

"Cause even though I know your not my Jack, even though I know this is all a lie, I don't want to wake up and be back in the lab."

"And if I promise you wont be?" Jack's throat constricted.

"Can't. Go'aulds aren't kind. My Jack knows that."

"Your Jack?"

Despite his weakened state Daniel actually blushed. "My Jack." He answered wistfully.

"Your Jack?" O'Neill answered as he took the thin hand back in his own and caressed the parchment like skin. "Your Jack, Danny, is a fool."

Daniel shook his head. "No. He just never saw me, s'okay really." The voice slurred as it finally succumbed to sleep, leaving O'Neil alone with his guilt.

It was not a place he wanted to go.

It was however a place he conceded with ill grace that he needed to go, and finally he understood his actions of the past year. He knew when he left Daniel on Abydos the first time that part of his heart stayed with him. When he saw him again the overwhelming urge to run into his arms and hold him forever shattered his fragile self-control. Had it not been for Skaa'ra he doubted that he could have saved himself and transferred that urge to the young man. Besides, Danny looked so at peace, so right with Shau're beside him. Her dark eyes glowing with love and honour for the gentle scholar, and Jack knew he was jealous.

But then she was gone and with her went Daniel's heart. Nothing sustained him except the desire to find her and bring her home; instead what he found tore at his soul and granted him no peace. Daniel didn't know the number of times Jack stood outside his room, listening to the muffled sobs, or how many times Jack would pace at night unable to sleep, unable to forgive the Go'aulds and with each day his hatred of them grew deeper and stronger and with it grew his feelings for Daniel.

He watched day by day and he knew Daniel's moods, knew without doubt that the young man was hurting. Each time something went wrong he would hold himself, on those nights, not even Jack O'Neill, his best friend could find a way through. Instead Daniel would work, ceaselessly, indefatigable on the inscriptions that were sent back from the SG teams.

A small smile crossed his face as he tenderly wiped the tears from Daniel's sleeping face and felt the younger man nuzzle his hand trustingly. He'd almost become so attached to the blanket he carried in and laid around the good doctor's shoulders, as he lay curled on his couch asleep that he felt lost when he couldn't touch it. It was of course a source of annoyance to Daniel that he didn't know where it came from, and Jack took almost perverse delight in keeping that secret to himself.

But he knew he was becoming too attached and it was dangerous. He was getting older, far more than his years dictated and sooner or later he'd die in the field or be relegated to the much hated desk job and Daniel would once again be alone. So he transferred his growing attraction to his 2IC and Sam bless her, understood his reasons and never took his attentions seriously.

She did however, less than six months ago, sit him down and have that talk. That he had in effect already abandoned Daniel and that if he didn't lighten up a little she would personally cut him off at the balls. And all he saw was his own anger. Misdirected and misguided he attacked his dearest friend and drove a wedge between them that threatened to shatter the team. Even Hammond noticed the dark smudges around Daniel's eyes, and the blaze of anger that shook his own during debriefing sessions.

And then Daniel was gone. Sacrificing himself on the altar of Jack O'Neill's stupidity to the Go'aulds. One final moment that showed Jack everything he'd been afraid of and with that clarity took his breath away. It was simple really, despite it all. All the bullying, the ignoring, the isolation Daniel loved him and was prepared to die to protect him. In that moment Jack knew the mockery he had made of Danny's love and he resolved to walk away from it all. Decided that fate had dealt him the hand he deserved and had finally taken the one thing from him he had come to rely on. Dr. Daniel Jackson.

Now? He was back; he had the chance to make it right, if Danny would let him. If Danny came back, or worse still would Daniel want to come back? To a world that despised him and treated him with contempt? Jack knew he wouldn't, but then Daniel didn't know the strength that Jack was prepared to fight for him. Sometime around dawn Jack followed Daniel into sleep, his hand still clasped to the reed thin one beneath his, with the realisation that he was not enough and probably never would be. But he was better than nothing, and Daniel deserved him to be the best man he could be. It had been a long time since Jack wanted to be a good man, longer still that he wanted to be loved by someone. He felt a peace settle about him he hadn't known in years as he prayed softly to he hoped was not a too vengeful God for a second chance.

Next: Anticipation