Through The Wire 5

Anticipation

by Ravenschild

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asr/ravenschild/wire05.php
Summary: Not Supplied

DANIEL:

I have never fully understood the reality of needing to be where I wasn't. Doesn't make much sense does it? But I need to believe that I am here and that I make a difference. I don't need adulation, applause or acceptance, hence my great self-destruction on the lecture circuit proved. I just needed to know that somewhere, someone believed in me and in that I guess I found the ability to believe in me again. I used to have it, seems like eons ago and could well have been, but somewhere out there in the distance of night and stars Jack used to believe in me and that gave me the grounding I needed to be out there.

Out there in the great beyond, searching for the ultimate knowledge that language and the barriers that were created by the ancients to be preserved actually made sense, to at least one person.

That's what oral history is about, the ogham, the runes, the glyphs all the way of history moving into the not so sceptic ruins of past memory. I need to know that the universe is a place of chaos that nothing is personal and in that I find a great comfort. I don't need to know that things exist for some special reasoning, for some divine purpose but that they simply are is enough for me. That me loosing my parents and Shau're and Jack's friendship were not lessons I was meant to learn, because no God no matter how omnipotent, could ever be that cruel.

Yes, I think that the chaos theory works well for me. I don't have to have the analytical mind of Sam to understand that sometimes things just are.

I remember the ramp, I remember Jack, I remember a lot and none of it makes sense. I cannot possibly be here, and yet here I am. Jack is asleep in the chair next to me his hand a warm solid comforting presence wrapped around mine. That somewhere in the night I've begun to feel more human but there are parts that are still missing. I no longer care where I am, that Jack is here and that I feel safe is enough. So I hope the Go' auld bastards are happy because I've finally found my freedom and have given up the unequal battle.

How could I win? I am one tiny insignificant human against the might of a race who were ancients before humanity learned the art of speech. The creatures who know my weaknesses too well and readily use them against me in order to further their own bleak desires. How could Daniel Jackson, multiple PhD's hope to match the dark majesty of the Go'auld's and win? I am nothing. I have always been nothing and no matter how I railed against it, will always be nothing.

Even now, in this pleasant sphere of reality that they have chosen to leave me in, I am still nothing to anyone. There is no bleakness, actually I'm grateful. There were dozens of realities they could have trapped me in, but this is one of the more pleasant. In this one, I can see by the lines on Jack's face that he cares, that he's been here all night holding on to me. The dark shape by the door outside is Teal'c and there I know too that he has stood guard over me.

I miss them.

~~~)o(~~~

JACK:

He doesn't think I know. He thinks that he's hiding it well, but he's not, I know Daniel. He's making himself small again, like a frightened and wounded child in that huge bed as Janet fuses and makes her rounds.

I don't think he's even listening, well buddy boy, it's time to listen up, because enough is enough. I've got a lot to make up to you for and I'm not about to let the snakeheads take you away from me again. I'll resign before I let that happen and your eyes. Oh God Danny, your eyes, believe them my friend. I am not some apparition created to hate you and hurt you. I'm here because I need to be here, you need me here so remember what you have to, but don't shut me out.

"Daniel." Janet clicks her pen and puts it back in her white coat as she stands next to the bed. She can sense it as well. Knows that she needs to be gentle with you and that you're hanging in by a thread. "Are you listening to me?"

"Yes." Jesus! Danny, must you sound so small? Come on buddy, you're safe.

"Really?" Janet isn't easily fooled, and around Daniel she has a sixth sense that is almost unnerving.

"Yes." Damn! Why does he do that? That little trembling bottom lip thing, sheesh he's gonna drive me nuts.

"Then what did I say?" Janet has adopted her patient tone and to anyone within earshot we can tell how worried she really is, Danny is, naturally oblivious.

"That I'm to get some rest, and to eat and if I want to talk I can call you." Danny looks up all big sorrowful blue eyes as he chews his lip again. "Janet?"

"Yes Daniel."

"Can you untie me now please, I promise." His voice is so soft, God Daniel you're gonna make me cry in a minute and our Napoleonic little doc here is not far behind me. "I'll be good." Damn ,damn, damn. I've got to walk away just for a second and his eyes never leave me as she undoes the restraints.

"I know." She's ruffling his hair and he nuzzles into the touch. How can anyone like Daniel be born so beautiful as to be so alone that he has to crave the human touch? How can he think for even a moment that he will be denied the basic necessities of humanity? He doesn't ever expect people to be kind to him, let alone want to be with him, he closes off so far that sometimes I doubt I can reach him.

Not this time, big bad Colonel Jack O'Neill almost lost you once and as stupid as he his he ain't gonna do it again, not in this lifetime.

Janet moves away and I take that as my cue to move forward to the side of the bed. Daniel is trembling again as he looks at me.

"Thank you." His voice is soft, so soft and full of gratitude it takes me out at the knees.

"For?" I've got to sit, and I hope I'm casual enough about it.

"Keeping me here."

"You hate the infirmary."

"Yes but at least this reality is better than the other ones."

"Oh." He still doesn't believe, how did we miss that, he's playing along because this is better than the others. Man that is so unfair! And I'm no psychiatrist I'm out of my depth here Danny I don't know what to do. "You want to tell me about the other realities?"

There is a brief flash of pain across his face as he looks at me as though I should know, but then he smiles softly and shakes his head.

"No."

"Daniel." I don't seem to be able to stop touching him its as if my hand of its own accord has taken up residence around the thin one on the bed. He has such talented and sensitive hands. Work roughened from running them over the pieces of stone and artefacts we bring in for him to study. And yet still so long and elegant I have to pull my eyes away and look up and it's like a gut punch. To see such open misery and trust intermingled as he watches me intently.

"Please don't try to convince me, Jack."

"Convince you?"

"That I'm back. I'm just grateful that you've let me stay here where its safe and warm, it's not like all those other places, the ones where you hated me." His words come out in a torrent and I am unable to stop him, unwilling to listen but the gravity of his words unravels what's left of my soul as I sit there.

"I've never hated you."

He's laughing and it's so brittle that I think he'll break. "Yes you have. Ever since you and Sam decided to get together, I don't mind being cast aside Jack, I just wish we could have stayed friends. I don't know what I did or how to make it right but I'd do just about anything to make it right, to go home." He shaking like a leaf in the breeze and whilst his words are metered and sure the tears staining his face tell me that this is the real truth, the real pain. I don't think I'm man enough to see this Danny. Please.

I've pulled him forward into my arms and I'm rocking him slowly as he settles against my chest, "Please let me go home." He's sobbing now and those damned machines are pinging all over the place. Janet's back and I'm not letting go of him, not this time so do your worst doc. She's running a hand down his back and soothing him as well as he clutches me and the machines suddenly go quiet. Panicked I search her face and she smiles, she's turned them off and pulled the curtain around us as she leaves. Bless her, I didn't think she'd understand.

"Danny you are home, I don't know how to prove it to you, but you're home."

"Can't be, my Jack doesn't like me anymore, please, please let me go." Yet he makes no move to leave my arms as I push him back.

"Listen to me Danny."

He nods as I wipe the tears from his face and hold his hands in mine.

"I've been a first class idiot. USAF makes 'em big Danny and they don't get any bigger than me. I have never stopped liking you, but you scared me Danny. Made me feel things that I shouldn't feel at my age and like a raving coward I cut you off. You didn't do anything to drive me away Danny."

"But."

"No but's Daniel. Do you know I was ready to pack it in?"

"Resign?" His face is all bewilderment and curiosity as he looks at me.

"Again, couldn't do it without you. Sam said if I went she'd ask for a transfer and that Teal'c had no desire to stay here when his family was no longer around him." Danny's smiling, long dimples creasing the sides of his face, he's so sweet, I think I'm getting through.

"'M not that important Jack, you could get anyone to do my job."

"Now there you go selling yourself short again, Daniel, you're a special person, one in a million kid and I really don't think you realize that of all of us you have the most heart. Danny I'm real, as big and stupid and old as I am I'm real and I don't know what I did to you in all the other realities but I do know what I've done to you in this one, and I don't intend to make the same mistake twice." I'm touching his face and he's really smiling now, man he's so beautiful.

"This is real?" His words are choked.

"Yes Danny this is real."

"And you're real?" He asks as he reaches out to pull me closer.

"Yes, now you're getting the hang of it."

"And I can go home?"

"Ah well." He's back in my arms, how was I ever so stupid to be afraid of this?

"Jack?" Damn I know that tone.

"We ah, didn't think you were coming back Danny so the General let your apartment go."

"And my things?"

"Are at my house along with the fish."

"You kept my fish?"

"I was hoping they would grow." God those little tremors are from laughter as he curls into my arms and snuggles down.

"Tired Jack."

"I know Danny."

"Can I stay here?" His voice is so hopeful how can I deny him? Even General Hammond can't deny him and I didn't even know he was there. Damn, oh well, too late and I don't care, Danny's coming back.

"Yes." I wrap the blanket around him and settle us comfortably on the bed as George looks at me and frowns. Daniel is asleep in seconds.

"Colonel?"

"Sir?" Oh boy here it comes.

"How is he?"

"Shell shocked, he's just starting to believe he's back."

"Good, Jack?"

"Yes sir?"

"Take care of him." That paternal glower tells me everything I need to know and I smile.

"Yes sir." Danny moves in my arms and makes a sweet little sound of contentment.

Next: In The Shadows