Through The Wire 7
Steel
by Ravenschild
URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asr/ravenschild/wire07.php
Summary: Jack must convince Daniel both he and his love are real
"It was so real." Daniel skimmed his fingers along the glass of his fish tank and shuddered.
A week had passed, an entire freaking week, and if the night sweats and the screaming wasn't getting old the sight of Daniel wondering like some god Damned zombie around the house was. Jack admitted that maybe, this wasn't such a good idea, for a moment he thought maybe it would have been kinder to leave Daniel at the base where Janet had full access to him. For a week, damn, he hadn't spoken beyond the basic necessities. He was still afraid to go outside, still afraid to let Jack touch him, still afraid to eat, to sleep to do, hell anything would be better than this.
The screams had been enough to make his blood freeze and his stomach twist, the evening ritual of Jack distracting Daniel long enough that he didn't choke on his food sliced through his reserve like a blade and then there was the long pained looks the ones that spoke of distrust and regret and something else that Jack really couldn't place.
He'd settled down in front of the fire to read the paper, all the while watching as Daniel prowled the house, his fingers straying to caress the objects that he remembered. The ones that Jack had retrieved from his house and slotted seamlessly into the remnants of his own life, like some still life sculpture made real only by the rise and fall of the chest which was hidden behind layers of clothing.
"Pardon?" Jack edged forward and put the paper down, listening to the quiet distress that continued to emanate from the other man.
"All of it was so real Jack." The halting speech continued to pull at his heart and he wanted nothing more than to wrap Daniel in firm arms again and tell him h e was loved. He kept Janet's counsel and each day became a battle, one the Colonel felt very ill equipped to fight. "I killed you." Daniel said quietly still watching his fish play against the glass as they traced his fingers.
That got Jacks attention.
"When?" of all the answers it was the only one he could force out from between clenched teeth.
"Back there when the Go'auld's were experimenting on me. In one of their realities they made me kill you."
"What else do you remember?"
"I killed all of you at least once, sometimes you smiled, sometimes you screamed, sometimes," his voice grew fainter still, "sometimes you killed me and I'd wake up screaming. And they'd be pleased and pat me on the shoulder like a good little lab rat." The splayed hand clenched into a fist balling in on the impotent rage that built inside as the tortured face turned back to look at Jack. Blue eyes shedding tears without heed, chest heaving without knowledge and in all the while Daniel bled, his life bled out from him as Jack slowly approached and guided him down onto the sofa.
"I know, and sometimes it felt good to do it didn't it?"
Daniel dropped his head to his hands. "I hated you all and they knew what even I concealed from myself. The hatred I still had towards Teal'c for taking Shau're from me, I hated Sam for taking you from me, I hated you for cutting me adrift and leaving me at their mercy, I hated the General because I was expendable but most of all," Daniel stopped on a wracking sob, "I hated myself for my weaknesses. I was nothing, Jack, nothing that someone would mourn and nothing changes." The laughter was self-depreciating and it made Jack itch. He wanted to hurt them, wanted them to know the full force of his anger.
"Daniel." Jack's hand spread across the hunched back moving slowly in small non-threatening circles as Daniel cried.
"They tortured me as well, in the dreams and some of it was real, I couldn't tell where the real pain started and the dream ended, it was all totally real. Even when."
"When what?" Jack felt the fear clawing its way into him; something warned him that this was part of the true problem, the one thing that made Daniel so reluctant to believe.
"They raped me."
"Oh God." Jack's voice was soft. "Who Daniel? Who raped you?"
The silence stretched into eternity as O'Neill listened and held his temper barely in check as the stilled body continued to shiver violently. "You did."
Jack clenched, it all made sense. He understood now what it was that Daniel was fighting, not the Go'aulds but the demons. The one's that had haunted him from childhood, the abandonment, the pain, the isolation issues. He understood them and cringed as he felt the deathblow to the heart as they used him against Daniel, turned him into the whip hand that would break the precious spirit and leave him bereft.
Jack turned Daniel towards him rocking him slowly, letting the warmth of his body seep into the suddenly cold one of his friend.
"I've done a lot of things Danny, lots and lots of things that I hate myself for, but that I'd never do that."
"But you did. It was all so real and I knew you didn't want me on the team anymore, knew I was expendable except for what I could do. And that's not what I wanted; I wanted to be needed for who I am. Even Shaur'e couldn't understand that. I was her Danyell and she loved me in her own sweet possessive way but she never, never understood. And I believed, for a little while it was enough."
"Enough to stop the nightmares?" Jack asked softly as he carded his hand through the honey blonde hair.
Daniel laughed and the sound ricocheted though Jack like a bullet hitting his heart. "Nothing ever stopped the nightmares Jack."
"Ever?"
"Not since I can remember anyway, and now I don't understand."
"What?" Jack didn't think he could take another second of the despair; nothing prepared him for the depth of grief that was Daniels days.
"That it didn't really matter, that if nothing else I cared and that was all that I clung to. The days aren't honey and sunshine they are dark and bleak and horrid and each one contaminates the other with grief until you can't take it anymore. You know what I thought? When I came through the gate, I didn't believe I'd arrive back I thought I'd die and that was the best Jack, the best thing I could hope for and it didn't even scare me anymore. I just wanted it to stop. And it didn't that's why I believed this wasn't real."
"What made you change your mind?" Jack tightened his hold as Daniel shivered. "When did you know you were home?"
"First day back in my office."
"So why? Why hide Danny, you gotta know by now we've been freaking all over the place trying to do what was right."
Daniel shifted uncomfortably in the embrace and squirmed free, dipping his hand into his pocket and finding a worn piece of lined paper. The edges fraying with the constant opening, the dirty marks where fingers had traced the pages and through his own grief Jack identified his own handwriting and sat forward.
"I found this the day I went back to my office, it was in the drawer and I was about to toss it out."
Daniel handed the page across and Jack remembered, he'd been sitting at the desk, ready to write some maudlin eulogy and his thoughts had wandered. He was giving up on Danny, on life and he knew it just as the base shuddered into life and the archaeologist staggered down the ramp and back into his life and into his arms.
"Shit, Daniel. Why didn't you say anything?"
"What was I going to say Jack? That I knew I was still living a lie because I found a note that said you loved me? And what if this was real? What then? Excuse me General Hammond but I believe the Colonel is in love with me and I can't cope so could we change realities again?" Daniel was up and pacing.
"I, you could have asked me." Jack roared over the pain in his head.
"You fucking callous bastard you knew I couldn't! You pushed me so far away Jack! How the hell could I ask you?" The anger bubbled out of Daniel as he clenched his hands into fists again. "What if it was a joke, a cruel joke that they were playing Jack! What if it was real and you meant it?"
"And if I do mean it Daniel. Every damned word of it what then?" There was a coldness in O'Neill's voice, a weariness Daniel remembered from their first mission together and he stopped still.
"Don't play with me! Why would you mean it? You're too fucking interested in the military mindset and playing games than you are in me. You never listened Jack, never once did you understand what it was that I do. Knew what the thrill of discovery was like when it was dismissed out of hand because your priorities were somewhere else. Find the gun, find the weapon, get the Naquiddah - anything but listen to me. To what was important to me."
"I heard every word Daniel, my mission brief was to make it work. To make the Pentagon happy with their investment. If I didn't, what then? They'd can the project and you'd be lost to me Daniel, and I couldn't live with that. I had to keep you with me couldn't you see that?"
"How by making me jump through hoops Jack, by making me compete with Sam for you attention or Teal'c or fuck knows Jack anything else including the shrubbery?"
Jack stopped in mid tirade and looked at Daniel, a smile breaking onto his face. "The shrubbery?"
"The God damned forest was of more interest to you then I was."
"You, ah, actually believe that Danny?"
"Yes." Daniel stilled and folded his arms across his chest sinking into himself again.
Jack ran a tired and non too steady hand across his face and shook his head. "Aw hell Danny, have I screwed you up so much that you won't trust me now?"
"To do what?" Daniel sank to his knees in front of the fire.
Jack crouched down in front of his friend and cupped the overheated cheek in his palm. "To love you Daniel."
The tears broke free again and Daniel tried to avoid the gaze.
"Cause I do you know. I love you and as much of a prick as I've been I had to keep you at arms length to keep from telling you and I hurt you because of it. And for that I am sorry." Jack gave his knees a rest and sat down his hand still stroking the damp cheek.
"And this is real?"
"Damned straight otherwise I wouldn't be crapping in my shorts."
"Your scared?"
"Yes Danny I'm scared."
"Of what?" Confusion was clearly written in the cerulean eyes.
"Losing you."
Daniel caught his lip between his teeth and looked into the face before him, long minutes eased the sobbing and he drew a steadying breath as the anger and regret dissipated.
"You make me jump through hoops again O'Neill and I'll cut you off at the balls."
"Okay, soo Daniel gotta ask."
"What?"
"Need to, can I, shit Daniel can I just hold you?"
"Please." Daniel curled forward fitting his long frame against the man in front of him, his head tucked beneath the proud chin as strong arms encircled him, rocking him gently. "There was a time Jack."
"For what?"
"When the dreams stopped."
"When Danny?"
"That night when I came back from Abydos and I woke you up. You thought I was still asleep when you curled into bed with me and held me all night."
"I remember."
"I didn't have the dreams that night Jack." Daniel's voice sounded worlds away as he patted Jack beneath him, making sure the solid frame was real and within moments his body grew heavier and his breathing evened out.
"Swear to God love, whilst I live I'll fight them all for you, even the dreams."
Daniel burrowed closer and for one of the few times in his life Jack felt like suddenly he was worth a damn other than the uniform he wore. He made a difference and this time it meant something special and important to him, and for it and the slumbering form in his arms, he knew finally he was becoming a better man.
