Through The Wire 8

Epilogue: Through A Glass, Darkly

by Ravenschild

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/asr/ravenschild/wire08.php
Summary: Danny adjusts to his world

Sometimes, late at night I watch him, not unlike I'm doing now. I know, its insane and no doubt Janet and her merry bands of psyches' would have a field day, but for the most part I know what I'm looking for.

For that tiny doubt to be realised, to finally know that I am in a dream and perhaps to thank my gods for their tolerance in leaving me here. Life, in retrospect has never been that kind for me to have this.

Jack thinks everything is all right, that I'm back to normal, but then I guess he never had a basis to work on. Perhaps I really was never normal in this life, it's speculative but then in hindsight everything always looks clearer right?

There were so many realities that they plugged me into. I even ascended once and Jack didn't bat an eyelid, so as far as dreams go this one can just stay with me cause I don't want to wake up.

He's beautiful. Look at him, the way he stands with his easy arrogance. His eyes watching for the ever-present danger as he keeps us safe. His hands caressing almost lovingly the gun under his arm, the damp patch of sweat that causes his shirt to cling against his back and the legs. I always did have a thing about long, long legs and his; well they just keep going and how they end. Oh mother, his body does things that I'm sure are a sin somewhere.

He knows what I'm thinking about, even as I transcribe the glyphs into my notepad, something about fate and gods, I'll get to it later. He smiles and lifts his hand, covered in the obligatory shooters mittens he wears almost habitually and pulls his dark glasses away just long enough to give me that look.

The hair on my back stands on end, and the temperature soars so much so that the sweat begins to bead along my shoulders. Man he is so fucking beautiful.

I hear him chuckle as he puts his glasses back on and heads over to where Teal'c is helping Sam with samples. His eyes take it all in, including my reaction and he spreads his legs a little wider and leans forward to take a sample. Damn he's flirting with me and it feels so right, so perfect that I know this must be a dream. Like all the times I expect to wake up on a slab in the cold, the real world with her cruel inhabitants condescending around me and the touches cruel and harsh and then his hands, warm against my skin, soothing me back to this reality and I am so tired. I come back here, maybe because there is no other place I long to be, want to be. Ever since I told him how the touch of his hand against my body makes me feel, how they are always warm he goes out of his way to make certain his hands would never chill me. Even to the extent of wearing the mittens. I know its gotta be hot underneath the wool, but still he wears them for me.

And all the little things he does, how he holds me firmly staring into my eyes as he plunges into my body of a night. How he never lets me close my eyes and tells me all the time how much he loves me, by the way he stands, by a look or a word or gesture. And I know how easy it is for those things to slide away and betray me, as they have so often in the past and I'm a coward. Cringing against the depth of destruction my soul has known and I keep looking. Unable to avert my eyes, to look away just in case it all changes.

In a heartbeat the world can change and me with it. Burning me to ash as I stare into the naked flame. And for six long months I've been able to keep looking, not daring to break eye contact, skin contact, anything that keeps me here. There are times when I know I'm loosing it and seek them out and always, without argument, preamble or hyperbole they allow me access to their worlds. A gentle hand, a conscious touch to make me know that I'm here and yet still I know life has never been this kind.

In a heartbeat, that's all it was. I lost Sara not once, but twice, I lost Shau're and my home on Abydos. A measured thud and again it could change, I may never have met Katherine, or held what should have been my son in my hands, and what is life except for moments that can change the direction you travel held together by a string theory that cause and affect are all related to the dimension your in.

And if this is by choice, that I have been left here to suffer the torment of Tantalus then I know I will fall upon the ground and worship the false gods. I will pray to Ra and Apophis as though they made the world because for me they have. This tiny sanctuary that has become home and prison all at once is all I have and I am loath to loose it, either through stupidity, luck or demon. I care not. Simply it is enough to let me stay, to loose myself here and be safe in the arms of a love I could never have dreamt I deserved.

Jack knows I know that I don't belong here, but then there is nowhere else he wants me to be except under his gaze. Everything is so normal, so true, that I'm sure its not and I need him. Now more than ever, my body craves his against me, I need the truth of knowing he is inside of me, filling every inch of my body, stealing from me the will or capability of coherent thought. In that moment of pure bliss, as the fire of his body licks up my spine with a certainty that leaves me breathless in its wake, I find peace. Does he know how often he has saved my soul, how often I've trembled waiting for his touch, or longed to hear the sound of his laughter to just fill the void? And his arms, when he holds me in his arms with my head against his chest, his heart beating solidly next to mine I know I'm safe, I believe it. And I believe in him. Perhaps I should stop looking, I'm in too deep to give it up to let go.

He lets me go sometimes, pushes me to make my own way in our world, this piece of the universe that has claimed us, to make me strong and yet I know he's there always at my back, always with me. He's become so much more to me than I can reason, I know he will stand by me. That he'll argue with me when I'm unreasonable and console me when I'm not. He'll take me in his arms and keep me safe from harm, even if it is me he's protecting us from.

I love him. He knows that. And maybe sometime soon I'll stop looking for the reason why this place cannot be. Maybe I'll believe that I'm worthy of this solace that I have and of his arms. Even justify it to myself as well as the rest of the universe. But until that time, I can't look away, not for a moment, not for a second. I have to make sure. But you understand that don't you?

Jack wouldn't but I know you do. So in the meantime you won't mind if every so often I take the time to look around and make sure you are all real. Because without you, without him, I have to go back and that's something I can't do.

Thank you.