No More Solitaire

by Sheryl

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ass/sheryl/solitaire.php
Summary: A little Daniel angst, some caffeine abuse and some other stuff they left out of the episode 'Solitudes'

Pathetic, immature, insecure: all words that could be used to accurately describe the way he was feeling at the moment. Of course, that would be an extremely simplistic description, because there were, of course, a number of variables contributing to each of the general emotions that were plaguing him, but he really wasn't up to analyzing any of that at the moment. He was too tired.

Yet, certainly, he wasn't too tired to be disgusted with himself over the pettiness he was allowing to rule his thought patterns. It was really beneath him to allow these anxieties to overshadow the more positive and substantial emotions that should be putting his mind at ease. He should be feeling relieved, hopeful and thankful; he should be focusing on the important things, like Jack and Sam being found and being okay. Well, not really okay, but they would be okay. And, hopefully, they'd be home soon. "Please," he whispered to himself, "just let them be home soon."

It would have been nice if he were among those bringing them home, but what he wanted didn't seem to count. No big surprise there, he thought darkly.

General Hammond had ordered him to go home and get some sleep and although he hadn't followed the order with military precision - being that he was still in his office - he could at least say that he'd met the general half way and *tried* to get some sleep -- but then, trying to get some sleep was probably only meeting the general a quarter of the way.

The cot was set up against the wall and he had to admit that at the moment, the lumpy little thing was actually looking pretty damned comfortable, but he really was too wound up to sleep. Besides, there were things he needed to do, like looking into the possibility that other Stargates might exist on Earth and if that were so, what effects that might have on gate travel. Also, he wanted to contact the McMurdo Research Station and check up on Jack and Sam. Maybe there would be a few more details available; he hadn't heard anything in awhile. That, of course, brought him back to the main reason he couldn't sleep: he shouldn't have to be sitting here, waiting for news, he should be there. The thought renewed his anger, and his longing. Dammit, he should be *there*.

In all fairness, even though he didn't agree with them, he had tried to understand their reasoning, tried to see the facts from their perspective. No matter how he tried, he still couldn't understand why they'd decided to leave him back here, while Doctor Fraiser, General Hammond and *Teal'c* went to Antarctica to find Jack and Sam.

On most occasions, even through anger, he was able to remain perspicacious. In fact, he prided himself on his ability to see both sides of an issue, but that wasn't so in this case. He could see no justifiable reason for his being dismissed, and that, in his opinion, was exactly what had been done.

Hadn't it, in fact, been he who'd come up with the theory of the second gate on Earth? And, wasn't it he who'd thought of comparing the seismographic information to the time of the Stargate malfunction?

To his knowledge, there hadn't been any concern over his physical condition during the long hours he'd spent working to figure out where the hell his teammates could have possibly wound up -- so, why all the concern now?

After everything he'd been through, after all of his hard work, how could they refuse him such a simple request?

Sure, he had almost been too late. Not for lack of effort, but more due to the overwhelming number of possibilities. He'd been frantic, running on pure adrenaline, nearly sick at the thought of losing anyone else that he loved and he had simply closed his mind to any possible outcome that did not include finding his friends and bringing them home. Bringing Jack home.

In his desperate search, he was aware that he'd made several miscalculations. But science is not always exact, he'd had to remind himself, especially when the science relates to Stargate travel.

Even more disheartening for him to remember, were the casualties. They could have been avoided if only he'd only figured everything out sooner, but that really hadn't been possible. He'd only come up with the second gate theory after he'd exhausted all of the alternatives.

And, if he was going to start blaming himself for casualties, he might as well go back to the beginning, to the moment he first opened the Stargate, and assume responsibility for each and every casualty since then. Which was ridiculous, he told himself, again, in the hope that someday he'd actually believe it was.

They'd claimed the reason he couldn't accompany them was because he was exhausted and still needed to recover from the recent head injury.

__________

"You were unconscious for over ten hours, Doctor Jackson. Then, the minute I let you out of the infirmary, instead of following my instructions and taking it easy, you decide to put yourself through the wringer *again*, by making it your own personal mission to find Colonel O'Neill and Captain Carter. Now, while I understand and empathize with your reasons for wanting to go with us, I'm going to have to say no. Daniel, you need to rest."

"I'm fine!" he argued, turning to General Hammond, looking for support. "General."

But, the general was already shaking his head. "I'm sorry, son, but I have to agree with Doctor Fraiser on this one. You've been through a lot these past few days. You've gone above and beyond your duty to find your teammates. The hard part is over, you can leave the rest to us."

"But, General -"

"Now, you have my word that we'll keep you updated on the situation and that we'll be back as soon as it's possible. But, when we do return, I expect to find that you've taken Doctor Fraiser's advice this time and I expect that you'll be looking a hell of a lot better than you do right now."

"But, I feel fine!"

"Please don't argue with me, Doctor Jackson. Now, I'm ordering you to go home and get some sleep. If I need to, I'll have someone escort you." Daniel had to admit that the general hadn't been overly stern with his orders. If anything, he'd reminded Daniel of the way his father used to talk to him sometimes, like when he was making Daniel do something unpleasant, for his own good. Of course, being away from Jack wasn't for his own good.

"No, that won't be necessary, Sir."

"Good. Then, I expect we'll be seeing you in a few days."

__________

"Yes, Sir," Daniel muttered to himself. "Like I have any choice?"

So, was it possible, or likely, that there were other Stargates on earth - or for that matter, on any other of the planets they had encoded? And if so, with identical addresses, what was the likelihood that even if the Stargates were damaged or inoperable, a team could be lost by accidentally being transported through an unknown gate? The ramifications were mind boggling to consider - especially when ones mind wasn't exactly performing at its peak level -- but the theory definitely needed to be addressed. Despite the already boggled state of his mind, he had to admit that he found it all quite fascinating.

And he certainly needed the distraction, something to occupy his time, as well as his mind. Because every spare moment his mind had to wander, it tended to head in directions that could ultimately lead to his undoing.

Left alone, his mind seemed to be drawn to particular images, memories of recent experiences, emotional and physical, all too painful to think about now.

He went over to the coffee maker and poured the last bit of coffee into his mug. That really was the last bit, too. If he wanted to continue his demented little caffeine-trip, he'd have to sneak out and get some more and take the chance at being caught. He took a sip of the coffee and paused, this could actually be fun, he thought. A mission -- better yet, a Covert Ops mission. Your mission if you chose to accept it, is to obtain caffeine, as much as possible, without being captured or detected by the enemy. Boy, he'd been hanging around Jack way too much!

He froze on that last thought, the repercussion of the words causing an ache deep inside of him. At any other time it would have passed through his mind without introspection, but now it made him hesitate long enough to wish the words back.

Because, the truth was, he had been hanging around with Jack a lot, lately. Since the ordeal with Nem, Daniel had been spending almost all of his time with Jack, days and nights. The little infatuation thing that had been going on between the two of them up until then, had suddenly bloomed into something much bigger, much more intense - it was wonderful, exciting, tender and passionate. It was nothing like Daniel would have expected and it was everything he would have wished for.

It was also very new, too new and he was just uncertain enough about himself and what seemed to be the pattern of his life, that since their first kiss, since his first taste of Jack, he'd been terrified, feeling like he was living on borrowed time, just waiting for it all to come crashing down.

But, Jack was okay; he was going to be okay. He'd be home soon and then everything would be okay. And if not, then he'd deal with that when the time came. Right now, he simply couldn't bear to think about it any longer.

Walking over to the door, he opened it, peered cautiously out into the corridor and stumbled backwards when he spotted the large, fearsome figure planted outside of the doorway. "Teal'c! Oh my G.. Are you trying to give me a heart attack? What are you doing here? I thought you went with General Hammond and Doctor Fraiser."

It appeared that Teal'c was standing guard, his back against the wall and arms folded across his chest; he glanced sideways, down at Daniel, before turning again to face forward. "General Hammond thought it would be best if I were to remain here. He suggested I watch the door to your office. He believed that you might unwisely choose to disregard the orders he gave to you before his departure. I see that he was correct."

"Right, well, uh.you see, I'm not actually disregarding his orders, per se, because I.uh.I have every intention to follow them, really. It's just that.I just need to get something first."

"The general gave strict instructions that I was to ensure that you did not leave your office."

"You know, that's just so.so arrogant! So *militaristic*!" Daniel sputtered, obviously frustrated.

Teal'c cast a dubious glance down at the smaller man.

"What?"

"I must concur with the general, as well as Doctor Fraiser in their assessment that what you are in need of, Daniel Jackson, is sleep."

"Well, okay. Yeah, maybe I could use a little sleep and I promise that I'll lock myself in my office just as soon as I --"

"If you do not allow your body the rest it needs to heal, then you will end up in the infirmary again."

"Teal'c, c'mon, listen really -"

"I believe O'Neill and Captain Carter may be in need of our assistance when they return. Do you not think it would be best if you were well rested and in good health?

"Well.well, of course I do!"

"If you wish, you may accompany me to my quarters and join me in kelno'reem, but I cannot allow you go anywhere beyond that. And I was told that under no circumstances should I allow you to obtain more.coffee."

"Coffee? Who said anything about coffee?"

"Do you wish to join me Daniel Jackson?"

"Uh.sure. That would actually be a great.honor, Teal'c. Thank you."

Teal'c nodded, his features ever so slightly showing his approval and gestured for Daniel to follow him. Which Daniel did, muttering to nobody in particular, "And just what is it that everyone has against coffee, anyway?"

__________

"I feel kind of silly. I mean, why should I sit on the bed while you sit on the floor?"

Teal'c arched an eyebrow, gracing Daniel Jackson with a look of impatience. "You are injured. On Chulak, it is customary for one who is injured to endeavor this meditation on a more accommodating surface."

Daniel Jackson narrowed his eyes, appearing suspicious of his voluntary revelation of Chulak custom. However, Teal'c noted that he did not challenge his integrity, apparently choosing instead to concede, for the most part. "You wouldn't be pulling my leg, would you?"

Opening his eyes, briefly he glanced at Daniel's legs and then with a stubborn set to his jaw, he looked Daniel Jackson straight in the eye. "I am most assuredly not pulling your legs, nor do I have any desire to do so."

Daniel laughed, holding his hands out in an apparent gesture of surrender. "I was just joking, but Teal'c, really, I'm fine."

"I must disagree, Daniel Jackson," he answered, once again closing his eyes. "You are not fine."

"Okay, okay." Daniel sighed in resignation. "So, what should I do?"

"The first thing you must do is still your body. After you have done that, you must work to calm your emotions. Close your eyes and breathe deeply," he instructed, then for several long minutes, he demonstrated the proper breathing technique. "Then, you must attempt to empty your mind of conscious thought. To do this, you will find it easiest if you can focus on a single image." He paused, taking several slow, deep breaths and letting them out. "Make certain that the image is one that effects pleasure, or one that effects indifference. After you have chosen a suitable image, picture it in your mind's eye, focus on it and use it as a tool in allowing you to clear away all unnecessary thoughts." After several more minutes of breathing, he opened one eye to survey Daniel's progress. The young man was seated on his bunk, legs crossed, eyes closed, breathing deeply. Teal'c continued the rhythmic breathing exercise. Deep, slow, steady inhalations and exhalations - making certain they were audible for Daniel Jackson's sake.

As always, while in meditation, he had a heightened sense of awareness of his surroundings. He listened to Daniel, the sound of his breathing as it slowed and evened out. He heard a yawn and allowed a corner of his mouth to curve minutely upwards in satisfaction, the rest of his body remained perfectly still. A short time later, he heard what sounded like fabric sliding against a hard surface. Then, very softly: a whisper, an exhalation of a familiar name.

With extreme caution, he slowly opened his eyes.

Daniel Jackson was slumped against the wall, eyes closed, mouth open, head tilted to one side, sound asleep.

He smiled.

__________

"-when Daniel Jackson ran a search on the computer, it quickly found the correlation we had hoped for and displayed the probable location of the second Earth Stargate."

"Wow. I'm impressed. You guys did good!" From his hospital bed, Jack O'Neill smiled up at Teal'c, his expression conveying drowsy admiration. Vaguely, he remembered hearing the story before, but he had been so out of it back at McMurdo. Besides, he had to admit that it made him more than a little proud to hear that even in his absence his team had stuck together and went out of their way for him.and Carter and that in spite of the overwhelming odds against them, they hadn't given up. Plus, he loved hearing about the brilliant stuff that popped into Daniel's head. Not that he'd ever admit that, of course - the part about Daniel being brilliant. He yawned. "So, how long has he been sleeping?"

"Approximately eighteen hours and thirty minutes."

"So, he doesn't even know we're back yet, huh?"

"Daniel Jackson was already asleep when we received the confirmation of your departure from the research station."

Jack looked around the room suddenly. "Carter's with him, right?"

"Yes. I did not wish him to wake alone."

"Uh-huh." Relaxing a little, Jack closed his eyes and smiled. "Got you wrapped around his little finger, doesn't he?"

"He was asleep in unfamiliar surroundings. I did not want him to become alarmed."

"Right, right." Opening his eyes, Jack shot a suspicious glance at Teal'c. "By the way, how did you get him to settle down long enough to fall asleep? I mean that usually takes an act of God or nature, or something. You didn't have to.knock him out or anything, did ya?"

Teal'c only responded by lifting an eyebrow and gracing him with an expression that looked like comical disbelief.

"Just checkin'." He sounded dutifully irritable, but inside, he couldn't help but admire Jaffa ingenuity.

A moment later, the outer doors burst open and after what seemed like a hazy flurry of motion, the good Doctor Jackson was in the room, standing at his bedside, staring down at him with astonishment. After blinking his eyes several times, seeming to judge the reality of the situation -- the reality of Jack's presence -- he finally managed to say, "You're here."

Jack smiled. "Hey there, Sleeping Beauty." The truth was, now that he actually had Daniel nearby, he was feeling pretty darn sleepy himself.

Daniel seemed oblivious to the existence of anything other than Jack. "I woke up and Sam was there. She said you were.here." Obviously, Doctor Jackson's linguistic skills weren't exactly up to par. "I just wanted to."

The look on his face, as he struggled for words, was enough incentive for Jack to stay awake for a few more minutes at least. Daniel looked fragile and lost, his eyes wide, fearful and searching.

Clumsily, he reached out and grasped Daniel's arm. "Yeah, I know. Me too," he said, locking gazes with Daniel, hoping to somehow convey understanding and a hundred other things with a meaningful look. When he'd thought he was dying, the thing that weighed most heavily on him was the thought of leaving Daniel behind - of Daniel being left behind, again. It had broken his heart every time he'd thought about it.

For a moment, Daniel seemed to be lost in thought and Jack wasn't sure if he was looking at him or through him, but then, all of a sudden his face lit up in a smile. "Yeah."

That's when Jack knew things were gonna be okay -- that they were gonna be okay. Finally, he relaxed, smiled and patted Daniel's arm. "You found us," he said, as his eyelids grew heavier; he was rapidly losing his battle with drowsiness. "Everything's okay, Danny."

He didn't let go of Daniel; he held on, was still holding on right up until the moment he felt himself drifting off to sleep. The last thing he was aware of was the answering pressure of Daniel's hand gently on his arm and the sound of his breath hitching as he whispered, "Thank you."

__________

Epilogue

"Jack."

The soft moan woke him from a light sleep. Momentarily concerned, he wrapped his arms more securely around Daniel, whispering quiet assurances into his ear.

Daniel, in turn, squirmed backwards, pressing his rear end -- shit, right there.

Jesus, Jack was going to burst into flames or maybe just die of frustration. Because, he knew that even if Daniel was hard enough to cut diamonds, he still wouldn't give in and give it up.

No strenuous activity for four weeks, Doc Fraiser had ordered. He had one week to go, if he lived that long. Who knew Daniel would be such a stickler for following orders, he certainly never followed any of Jack's.

Daniel was becoming more restless in his arms. By the worried frown Jack could barely make out in the darkness, it was pretty obvious he was having an unpleasant dream.

"Shhhh..It's just a dream. You're okay," he crooned. "Everything's okay."

Without waking, Daniel twisted around to face Jack, wrapping his arms around him, clinging to him in what seemed like desperation. Jack held on.

Maybe when he was back on his feet they could go for a hike in the mountains, maybe even do some fishing, just the two of them. It didn't really matter what they did, as long as they were together. Daniel needed a little reassurance that he wasn't alone anymore and Jack was just the man for the job.

Did he hope that at some point along the way, this bonding ritual would entail a naked, sweaty, blue-eyed archeologist jumping his bones? Oh, yeah! You betchya!

~end~