Out Of His Depth

by Sideburns

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ass/sideburns/outofhis.php
Summary: Rodney discovers there's something he can't do....
Info: This is my first official SGA story and yes, it's a tag for Trinity (like there aren't enough?) - it was also written to the prompt of "deep water".

Rodney pushed away from the work table and rubbed his eyes. When he was done, they were burning as much as before, but now in that good, "I rubbed them raw" kind of way instead of the "I've been looking at the computer screen too long" kind of way.

He sighed heavily, dramatically, and realized the sigh was wasted because he was alone. No one to hear, or comment or ask him "What's wrong now?" But then, wasn't that why he was in the lab this late?

Sadly, yes.

He was so out of his depth. Deep water and he was drowning. Him, Rodney McKay, undisputed genius (at least undisputed in his mind), drowning because he'd come up against something he'd fail--God, he couldn't even say it.

Buck up, you wuss, and say it.

Right. Okay.

He'd...failed.

He'd finally discovered something he couldn't do; namely change. Like a leopard and his spots.

Oh, but he'd tried - had been trying forever - well, for five days, anyway - but it felt like forever - and it wasn't working. Not for him, anyway. His people were thrilled. No more yelling, or insults, or snarky retorts. Oh, yeah, his people were fucking delirious over the "new Rodney".

But it was killing him.

He rubbed his eyes again, almost as if trying to erase the headache, but it didn't work. Maybe it was time to...for the sake of his sanity and basic survival....

Rodney made his decision.

And really, it was the only way to go. But oh, God, what it could cost him. But oddly enough, now that the decision was made - he almost felt human again. So maybe it was time to face the lion in his den.

***

John set the book down on the nightstand and contemplated sleep. If he actually tried now, he might get in two or three hours before it was time to get up. He started to command lights out when it was announced that he had a visitor.

"If you're selling encyclopedias, scram, otherwise, enter."

The door slid open to reveal a rather weird looking Rodney. Weird in as much as his hair was standing on end, as if he'd been running his fingers through it for the last six hours, and his expression was...come to think of it, John had never seen a look like that on the man - ever.

"Colonel, I have something to say and it's important, and the fact is...I'm going crazy."

John got up and started toward the man but Rodney kept talking so, out of a sudden sense of dread, John stayed where he was.

"...and believe me I've tried, damn it, I've tried. I've tried being different, I've tried not being right, for instance, but it's just not working, you know? And I've tried to bite my tongue, to keep my mouth shut, to let others do the work, figure things out, do the deed, but damn it, everything's going wrong, and I know you think this is egotistical of me, but really, it's not, it's just... like, you know, common sense and I am a genius and I say that the way most people say that they're redheads or brunettes or something and it means about that much, it's just who and what I am, and sure, it wasn't always easy, but there you go. But this not being who and what I am is killing me. Why, just yesterday, I actually skipped a meal! Do you know what that means? And the day before yesterday, in the cafeteria? In line? I reached for a lemon slice for my tea! I could have KILLED myself trying to be what I'm not. And I know Radek thinks I'm going nuts and he's right - I am."

Rodney finally took a breath and John certainly could have interrupted him at that point, but you don't interrupt a kid that's filling its diaper full of crap, do you? No, and John was a smart man too, so he stayed where he was and waited for the inevitable end to the flow of shit. Mostly because of the old saying about shit and fans.

"I mean, come on, I MISSED a meal, Colonel. Me. What does that tell you? The fact is - I'm not always going to be right and if your trust is based on the misconception that I am - then we're doomed and you'll never trust me again, and that's patently unfair because I trust you with my life every minute of every day even though you're not always right, but you have experience in what you do, so the odds are on your side."

He was pacing, hands weaving their conversational magic and John could easily have tuned out, so fascinating were Rodney's hands...but he didn't...he listened.

"Elizabeth is the leader of this expedition and she's not always right either. It's ludicrous to believe that she is or will be or that you are or will be so why me? Yes, I thought I was right about Project Arcturus but I'll always think I'm right and ninety-nine percent of the time I will be and yes that one percent of the time when I'm wrong could mean our deaths, but it's the same for you, for Carson, for every member of this community. Okay, yes," he held up a finger for some obscure reason, "when I make mistakes, they're pretty big and I'm probably the only person who's taken out the majority of a solar system, but really, even the great Samantha Carter has made some doozies, okay? So here's the bottom line - I'm me, and I've got to be me and that means that if I think I'm right, I'm going to say so and fight tooth and nail to get the job done - and I'm going to go back to my snarky, egotistical, insulting ways because honestly, my team does much better that way, but if that means I'll never regain your respect or friendship or...whatever it was we had, then I'll live with it. Oh, it won't be quality of life, but at least I'll be true to myself and the ultimate death will be much slower than if I continue on my present course of total stupidity. So that's...you know...it."

With that, Rodney turned around and walked out. Just like that. No pause, the kind that telegraphed an expectation that the other individual in the room would stop him - no, just one damn quick exit so that John was left standing in the middle of his room and wondering what the fuck had just happened.

And what he should do about it.

***

THE NEXT DAY-

Rodney could honestly say that he'd never felt better. As he worked his way down the line to pick out his food (his tray was already overloaded, but he figured he was making up for that one lost meal), he felt satisfied. Earlier, he'd yelled at one of the techs and insulted Radek, who'd, after snarking right back, grinned and slapped him on the back - hard. Harder than necessary - but it too had felt good.

Rodney reached for the custard, paused, and asked, "There's no fruit flavoring or zest in these things, is there?"

"No, sir, it's plain custard."

"Good." He added it to his tray, on top of his two rolls, and moved down to the beverages. When he was done, he chose a table and sat down, his eyes already misting over at the array of foods in front of him. With no preamble whatsoever, he dug in.

"I see you're making up for that lost meal, Rodney."

Surprised, Rodney looked up to find John standing in front of his table, hands in his pockets, a small smile playing over his lips.

"Um... yeah. Hypoglycemic and all," he said defensively.

"Naturally. Can't have you passing out all over the place."

With that, John turned away and headed for the food. Rodney, frowning, watched him leave before glancing back down at his food. Damn, he'd lost his fucking appetite. Again.

He stared at the mashed potatoes and thought he might be sick.

"You waited for me - how nice."

Shocked, Rodney watched John sit down opposite him, a tray of food now in front of him. He picked up a fork, aimed it at Rodney's tray and said, "Eat. You look too skinny. That one missed meal clearly did some damage."

"You're making fun of me."

"And this would be different from my normal treatment of you, how?"

Rodney couldn't argue with that point. Smiling, he picked up his fork and dug in.

They ate in companionable silence for several minutes, with John entranced, as always (when he wasn't disgusted) by Rodney's clear enjoyment in his food. He gave a vague thought to wondering if sex could bring the same rapt look to Rodney's face and considered asking...no, not today.

But...soon.