Erie

by Sistine

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ass/sistine/erie.php
Summary: Not supplied

Ever since Daniel descended I keep getting the feeling that he's still not entirely part of this world. Oh, he's always had his head in the clouds, granted, but this is totally different. It's like he's, I don't know... a fallen angel or something come back to earth to atone for sins beyond moral comprehension. Except we mortals understand it just fine - if you go against Oma, she kicks you out.

Daniel doesn't remember any of that but unfortunately we do. He's not going to be happy when he finds out he couldn't prevent the Abydonians from being wiped out; that big sacrifice was all for nothing. Sometimes I think that Oma let the Abydonians die just to spite Daniel for interfering, and she knows that when he regains his memory of the event, he's going to blame himself. Well, I don't. I blame her and Anubis. If she hadn't interfered, Daniel would have got rid of Anubis and consequently the Abydonians, and consequently anyone else Anubis has gone after with that weapon, would have been fine. Instead, they're dead, and Oma got a whole bunch of new followers. Sounds suspiciously Goa'uldish to me.

I put forward that theory to Teal'c after the event; he merely raised one eyebrow but I know that meant he agreed with me. The policy of non-interference with mortals when a whole planet is at stake sucks. It's positively stupid, and just goes to show that floating around in non-corporeal bodies for thousands of years makes one a little detached from things like emotion and the value of life. Just because they've ascended or whatever, and they don't want mortal bodies, doesn't mean everyone thinks the same way. Oma wants them to think the same way, and anyone who doesn't is outcast. Orlin was like that - he interfered with a planet and got stuck there until Carter came along. And now Daniel. Anyone sensing a trend here?

That leads me back to my original topic - Daniel. You know, the description of a fallen angel suits Daniel to a tee. He's beautiful, as one would expect an angel to be, with a heart that has a huge capacity to love and forgive. And there's also the innocence, more so than pre-ascension because he can't remember the bad things that had gradually eroded that innocence away. Pre-ascension, there was also a shadow of darkness inside him, something that appeared occasionally in his eyes that indicated he would do anything to protect his friends - and on occasion, strangers. He would become an angel of vengeance when he saw the need to protect against senseless and unnecessary violence, the rage and bewilderment inside him barely contained. I haven't seen that recently but I have no doubt that it will return with Daniel's memories.

Because of his amnesia - thanks a lot, Oma - he's not really our Daniel again yet. He's more like the Daniel whom I met before the Stargate was even opened, except with no memory of who he is. And Daniel doesn't want to know - he told Sam that he couldn't bear it if he was a bad person. Oh, Daniel, you're anything but bad. Even when you have to do something bad, it's usually out of necessity to avoid getting killed, so that doesn't make you a bad person.

I tried telling him that many times before but do you think he would listen? Of course not. Daniel is - was - very good at just listening to the parts he wanted to. So far that's one improvement I can see in the new Daniel - he listens to me more.

I'm watching him now on the shooting range. I was all prepared to teach him everything again but it wasn't necessary. Oma appears to have left the subconscious memory of how to do things like shoot a gun or fight, but took away everything that made Daniel *Daniel*. What right had she to do that? Okay, I get that it wouldn't do Daniel any good to remember dying or the Abydonian debacle, but why not everything else? Why make him start from scratch again? This is why I don't like the Ancients - that, and they're very airy-fairy about things, talking cryptically to get us to 'broaden our minds'. My mind's broad enough, thanks.

Daniel's eyes narrow as he takes in the target. He's had to take his glasses off to do this, so I'm not sure how well he sees the target, given that we don't still have his prescription goggles. They disappeared about the time Daniel did, and I still haven't found them. I can't blame anyone for throwing them away so they weren't a reminder for us, or even for possibly taking them to remember him by. I took enough of Daniel's stuff when he ascended, as much of his books and artifacts as I could fit into my place, and the rest went into storage. I knew Daniel would be back one day. And... I guess I just didn't want to let go. Daniel had been an integral part of my life for five years and in a way, having his stuff around meant that he hadn't really left me. It was as if he had just gone away on vacation for a year and asked me to look after his things. Now he's back, I don't want to get rid of them. They've become a part of my home.

Admit it, O'Neill, you just don't want to get rid of Daniel.

Okay, I admit it. I don't. I never want him to leave me again. All the time he was away, I didn't feel complete. Part of it was because he was a part of my team - Jonas never really fitted in, in my opinion - but the rest was because he was my friend. My best friend. The person I spent most of my time off-base with even though we were starting to grow apart during that last year. The fault was both of ours. I think Daniel finally got tired of being a soldier, of doing things that he was furiously opposed to, like killing people. The death of the Tollans weighed heavily on him, even though he couldn't have done anything that would have made a difference. I think that event had a profound effect on the whole team, and it changed us. Our outlooks became harder, and so did our souls. I stopped listening to Daniel. And the price was too much for all of us because we lost Daniel. There was a lot of re-evaluating done during the following year - well, I know I did. I took a good look at what I had become and hated what I saw but there was nothing I could do about it. Without Daniel there to guide me, I just couldn't find my way. We all tried too hard to compensate for Daniel's loss and just ended up making things worse.

I know now why I was so lost. I didn't realise it until Daniel smiled at me the other day. That smile bewitched me; I couldn't look away. He just looked so beautiful in that moment and it struck me that I was in love with him. There weren't any bells and whistles accompanying that revelation, just a sense of rightness. And I knew that was why I had been lost without him.

He completes me.

Time seemed to slow down as I stared at him, my eyes locking with his. I've read somewhere about 'erie', a state of enchantment usually associated with faeries when they fix their gaze upon a hapless soul and that person is compelled to surrender; that's exactly what this felt like, except substitute 'angel' for 'faery'. I realised that Daniel had enchanted me like those mythical other-realm creatures and I wanted to surrender myself to him. But the enchantment isn't superficial. No, this love is deep and everlasting. I know that I will never love anyone else quite as much as Daniel.

He didn't seem to think there was anything amiss while I was staring at him, although he did look rather puzzled by the attention. I think I said something inane to him about his hair being different, or something like that, and then left rather hurriedly. I don't know whether he thought I was just being stupid because he hasn't said anything about it. But ever since, he has been giving me puzzled little glances when he thinks I'm not looking. So maybe he does think that something is wrong between us - or maybe he just thinks I'm strange. I would love to explain to him about my revelation but I can't. That would be taking advantage of him while he's in a vulnerable state. He needs to remember all about our friendship first so that he can make a decision with all the facts. I'm not particularly concerned about the 'don't ask, don't tell' rule - life is too short in this job, and I would rather have a few months with Daniel than a lifetime without him at all. The question is going to be, will he want me too?

~~~

Jack has been acting rather strange recently. Not that I really know what strange is for Jack as most of my memories are still absent, but I get the feeling that his behaviour isn't quite normal. He just stares at me for no reason until I look at him, and then he quickly glances away. Sometimes he doesn't even do that, he just continues to stare at me as if he's in a trance. Part of me just says that he's just making sure I'm really there - after a year of thinking me dead, that wouldn't be a surprising reaction. But the rest of me says that there's something more.

As we head into the locker room after ninety 'lovely' minutes of self-defence and weight training - which followed the thirty minutes on the shooting range where Jack spent most of the time just staring at me - I glance sideways at him. There's something between Jack and myself, something more than the friendship he tells me we had. I'm pretty sure we weren't lovers but I'm not positive. Ha, that's a laugh. I'm not really positive on anything at the moment, despite what I said to Jonas. There are still huge honkin' - I have a feeling that's one of Jack's words - gaps in my memory, and all I have to go by are feelings. The connection between myself and SG-1 that I could feel on Vis Uban - that same connection that erroneously led me to think that Sam and I had been involved. I didn't get that feeling with Jack when I first met him again but it has been growing stronger ever since I got back to the SGC. And I wish I could work out what it means!

He's keeping his eyes to himself as we take a shower side by side. Not even a glimpse my way, and I know this because I'm frequently looking to see if he is. So there obviously isn't any attraction there, otherwise he'd be looking. Wouldn't he?

The main thing I've noticed about Jack since I've been back is that he is the 'mother' of SG-1. He protects everyone, and right now, I think he's protecting me. Poor Daniel, who has no memory of life before death, and therefore is in a vulnerable state. I overheard Doctor Fraiser saying something similar to that to General Hammond not long after I got back - Jack was there too. Maybe he's not letting anything show until I'm ready. If that's the case, then it's rather sweet.

I notice I'm not freaking out about the possibility of Jack and I having been involved before. I wonder why? This is one of the times I wish I knew more about the kind of person I used to be. I wish someone would tell me instead of all this 'let Daniel remember it for himself' stuff! It would certainly make life less frustrating at the moment. Not to mention less dangerous. I've had three people - one woman, two men - tell me that we were involved before I ascended. I'm pretty sure they were lying, and I checked with the rest of SG-1 to make sure, but the point is, how am I supposed to know if someone's lying about something like that? I need to *know* these things. Will Jack tell me if I ask? And if he does, will he lie? And will I be able to tell? Only one way to find out, I suppose.

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

He's not even looking at me; his eyes are firmly fixed on the tiled wall in front of him. "Before I ascended, was I involved with anyone?"

His expression tightens; is it jealousy causing that or pain at me not remembering? "Not as far as I know," he replies, his voice sounding hard to my ears.

Okay, that's good. Although if I was involved with a guy, given the military rules, I wouldn't have told Jack. At least, I don't think I would have.

"Why?" he wants to know, his eyes locking on my face for the first time since we entered the locker room.

"Just checking." His expression has a hint of anger in it now, and I know he's wondering why I'm asking, wondering whether anyone has tried to take advantage of me.

Jack looks away again, staring resolutely down at the tiles, his body starting to turn away from me. I quickly look at his body and I see why. So he *is* attracted to me. Why hasn't he told me? "How long?"

"What?"

Now he sounds puzzled, so I mentally review what I said. Oh. Better rephrase that question. "Are you attracted to me?" I ask in a quiet voice. There's no-one around to hear us but I'm erring on the safe side.

I can see the muscles across his back tense at the question. "No," comes the abrupt reply.

"Are you positive?"

~~~

Why can't he leave this alone? I thought I was doing so well at hiding this - well, not precisely *this* but you know what I mean. "I think I'd know if I was." Don't ask any more questions, Daniel. You're not ready to hear the answers.

There's silence. I can hear Daniel thinking, weighing the evidence against my words. I try never to lie to Daniel but there are occasions where I haven't told him the whole truth, so he's rightly suspicious on this occasion.

"Jack?"

The tentative question comes as he puts a hand on my bare shoulder. I close my eyes and will my body to behave. "What?"

"If you are, then I'm just saying there's - there's no need to hide it from me."

That slight stutter tells me that Daniel's just as unsure about this as I am. He's probing, uncertain about the connection between us and what it means. How could he know when I didn't even know until a few days ago? "I'm not attracted to you," I lie firmly. Well, it's not really a lie but I feel ever so much more than attraction. I fell in love with his soul first, not his looks. Of course I noticed how good-looking he is, was, whatever, but that wasn't the reason I fell for him.

The old Daniel would have laughed at my blatant lie. The new Daniel just accepts my words. The hand falls away from my shoulder and I can hear him moving back to his spot. "I'm sorry. I must have got it wrong."

The apology in his voice hits me hard. I turn around before I can think about what I'm doing and stare deep into those mesmerising blue eyes. That gaze reaches deep into my soul and compels me to tell the truth. I try to fight it but I can't. "No, you didn't get it wrong," the words spill from my mouth.

His eyes light up, happiness warring with uncertainty. "Really?"

"Really."

~~~

My heart suddenly feels lighter now that I know for sure. I smile at Jack and he smiles tentatively back, not willing to give too much away while he doesn't know about my feelings. "Were we... you know... before?" I'm not sure which answer I want to hear.

Jack shakes his head and then turns slightly away from me as if embarrassed to be discussing this. "On my part, this is pretty recent," he confesses. "I don't know what you felt."

I'm guessing it wasn't anything like this. I'm not even sure exactly what I'm feeling, there's just so many different emotions inside me at the moment. Looking closer, I can see that Jack is also waging an internal war, with different emotions showing in his eyes. He's scared, I realise; scared that now he has told me of his attraction to me, that I won't return it - and maybe scared of what it might mean if I do. "I don't have any frame of reference for this, Jack," I tell him. "I can't remember being attracted to anyone, or even being in love with anyone. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling."

He looks directly at me, uncertainty in his eyes. "Do you remember Sha're?"

"Kind of." Thanks to the picture of her on my desk that Jack thoughtfully gave me. "But I haven't remembered any feelings, at least not in any depth. I know I loved her but I can't *feel* that."

Jack's expression tightens, and he mutters something under his breath, but he doesn't look away. I catch some of it and extrapolate that he was cursing Oma Desala. If I was positive that I wanted all these memories back, I would too. Actually, I *do* want my memories back, especially the ones that involve Jack. I'm quite positive that there are things that I've done that I don't want to remember, but I will if it helps me remember Jack. "Can you help me remember?"

The question hangs in the air for a few moments while Jack processes just exactly what I'm asking. "How?" he finally asks.

"Tell me about her. Tell me about us." From what I've gathered, Jack isn't much of a talker, so what I'm asking him to do will probably be very hard for him. But I need to know. I need to have something to judge my feelings for Jack by.

"I don't know..." I can see the indecision in his face as he looks away, weighing up how hard it will be to talk about Sha're against how much he wants me.

"Please, Jack." I reach out and turn his face back towards me. "Please."

~~~

How can I refuse that simple plea, especially when he looks at me like that? I'm caught in that state of enchantment again, unable to refuse him anything he wants. "Sha're was very beautiful, very exotic. She loved you very much, and you loved her."

Daniel shakes his head; it's not what he wants to hear. Problem is, I'm not sure exactly what he wants me to say. "But what does love *feel* like?" he asks impatiently.

"Well, speaking from experience, it can be many things. Breathlessness or a fluttering heart when you see the person you love." Check. "Wanting to be with them as much as possible." Check. "You don't like it when they flirt with someone else." Check. "A huge ache in your heart when something bad happens to them or they go away." Double check.

I can see Daniel process all of those things, his mind going through the few memories he has of us together to see whether they match. While he does that, I reach out and turn my shower off - no point in wasting water.

Almost subconsciously, Daniel does the same thing and follows me into the locker room without speaking. He's still lost in thought, and I don't interrupt him while we're getting dressed. I'm trying not to look at him and all that bare skin, but it's fairly hard to resist. And I know he's not resisting because I can feel his eyes on me.

I turn around to find him - as I suspected - staring at me. The thoughtful look is still in his eyes but there's something else there now, something more akin to desire. Casually, I sit down on the bench and stare back at him. Daniel's only half-dressed - he got too busy staring to put on his t-shirt. In the name of fair play, I take my time visually inspecting his body then I lift my eyes to his face. "Made up your mind yet?"

His tongue flicks out to run over his lips, and I watch it intently. I have half a mind to go over there and lick his lips for him but I can't while we're here. Better to wait until we get home. "Well?" I ask, getting impatient.

~~~

If my body is anything to go by, I think I'm definitely attracted to Jack. Just watching him get dressed was enough to stir what I think is desire. Given I'm getting an erection, I'd say it was definitely desire. "Can we discuss this later at your house?" Considering it would be the first time I've been to Jack's house since coming back, it should be fairly obvious what my answer is.

Jack's face lights up and undisguised desire leaps into his eyes. "We certainly can. I'll pick you up later, okay?"

I nod, licking my lips again, this time in anticipation. Jack's going to have to guide me through the first few sessions but after that, I think I'll have the hang of it.

He comes over to me, puts his hand behind my neck and, breaking all the rules, gently draws me in for a soft kiss. My body's emphatic reaction tells me that I really like him kissing me and I reach out to draw him closer. Unfortunately, he steps back, a teasing smile on his face.

"Uh-uh, Danny. Tonight." He gently runs a finger over my lips and then quickly leaves the room. I wonder if that's because he thinks he won't be able to control himself if he stays?

It takes me a few minutes before I can stop staring at the door. With that kiss, Jack has snared my body, and maybe my heart as well. Only time will tell if the latter is true.