Homecoming 3

What Is Enough?

by Sistine

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ass/sistine/homecoming03.php
Summary: Daniel and Jack meet in the locker room

As Daniel walked into the locker room for only the second time since his return to the SGC, he was surprised to see Jack there. "Um, hi," he said almost nervously. He hadn't seen much of Jack since the briefing a week ago, something that had caused an unexplained ache deep inside him. He had wanted to have that talk with Jack but every time he'd opened his mouth, Jack had disappeared. It was looking more and more like Jack didn't want to be around him, and that hurt.

"Hi," Jack replied, glancing briefly at Daniel before looking away again.

Daniel didn't say anything while they both got changed. He was looking forward to going back to Vis Uban, although his friends had been relocated; Daniel had been content there although he hadn't really belonged. And despite everyone's insistence, Daniel wasn't really sure that he belonged here either. The locker in front of him had been ceremoniously given to him on his third day back and he had found the fuss strange. Everyone except Jack seemed happy that he had returned but so far Daniel couldn't say that he was happy that he had returned. Perhaps when he remembered more about who he was and what he had achieved here, he might be happy. Perhaps.

Jack stood next to Daniel and opened his locker door. When Daniel saw the photos inside, he had a flash of memory. "That's your son. Charlie. That's why I know you. You took the first mission to Abydos because you thought it would be suicide." The words tumbled out before he could stop them and Daniel immediately braced himself for Jack to become angry at the reminder.

Instead, Jack simply shrugged and said, "Things change."

"Yeah, sorry." Thrown off balance by the calm reply, Daniel paused while he tried to think of another topic. If Jack had forgiven him for whatever he had done wrong while ascended, then Daniel wanted to take advantage of that and keep him talking. He really needed to know what Jack's feelings towards him were.

"You sure you're ready for this?" Jack asked as he shut the locked door and sat down on the nearest stool to put his boots on.

Daniel didn't take offence; he would be worried too if he were in Jack's place and had to trust a man with amnesia to pull off a mission of such importance. He managed a small smile, his spirits lifting with the continued conversation. "Yeah, well, despite what you say, I... I don't think you'd be doing this if it wasn't worth doing." Wow, he sounded more positive than he felt. Maybe it was because he was happy that Jack was actually talking to him.

"Boy, you obviously don't remember everything," Jack commented. "You never used to follow my lead."

"I didn't?" Even though he knew that from the mission reports, it was interesting to heart Jack say it without a trace of resentment.

Jack just raised his eyebrows, then got up and walked over to the door. Daniel panicked - he didn't want Jack to leave yet, not now that they were talking. "Hey, um..." When he saw that Jack had paused, hand on the door, Daniel quickly continued. "I may not remember everything but... I remember enough," he lied, hoping that Jack would give him some indication of what they had been to each other before.

There was a silence while Jack obviously considered this. Then the older man nodded, a hint of a smile appearing on his lips. "Good." Then he nodded again and walked out of the room.

Daniel stared after him, his spirits deflating. Jack's lack of response indicated that he couldn't care less but the smile contradicted it. How was he to know which was the most accurate reflection of Jack's true attitude towards him? Despondent, Daniel turned back to face his locker, which just happened to be right next to Jack's. He ran his fingers briefly over Jack's locker door, hoping that he would soon remember what his relationship with Jack had been because the man's attitude was hurting him and he didn't know why. He'd had dreams - memories - of others but nothing of Jack yet. Did that mean there was nothing he wanted to remember about Jack? He hoped that wasn't so but knew it was possible. Maybe after the mission he would finally get some answers.

Maybe.

~~~

Jack walked until he reached a storage room and then he ducked inside. Fortunately, it was empty. His back against the door, he slid down until he was sitting on the floor, his head in his hands. 'I remember enough,' Daniel had said. Enough for him maybe but not enough for Jack. There had been no trace of love, no sign of desire, in those beautiful blue eyes, so Jack could only assume that Daniel hadn't remembered that part. Maybe he had remembered their friendship only; maybe that was why he had been so friendly just before. If that was the case, then Jack felt guilty because he hadn't exactly been much of a friend lately. And how had he reacted when Daniel had said those words? With one word - 'good.' He should have said more but the words hadn't come to him. The sight of Daniel had made him speechless. That was why Jack had avoided looking at him in the locker room until that very last moment. Just the sight of Daniel - alive, healthy and beautiful - had been enough to send Jack's pulse racing and he couldn't... he couldn't bear it.

As hard as it had been getting through the past year without Daniel, the past two weeks had almost been worse. Having Daniel so close yet unable to be with him as he wanted. Not to mention that pesky little trust issue. He knew that Daniel had been revising his weapons and combat training but Jack was still loathe to let Daniel be a part of the mission. Part of the reason behind that, though, was the fact that they had just got Daniel back and Jack didn't want to lose him again. Better alive and unable to remember than dead.

Fists clenched to hold his emotions in, Jack knew that he couldn't ask Daniel not to go. The success of the mission depended upon whether Daniel could get into Anubis' computer to find the correct shaft on the ship. If he couldn't, they were all dead. Which, in a way, would be good because then he wouldn't have to live without Daniel again.

'I remember enough.' I'm sorry, Daniel, Jack thought, but you don't remember nearly enough. I, on the other hand, remember too much. I remember our first kiss and the shy smile you gave me afterwards; the first time we explored each others bodies and then made love; the sleepy yet loving way you looked at me first thing in the morning; every smooth inch of your body; the way you looked when you were about to come whilst I was deep inside you...

Jack's thoughts stumbled to a halt as tears stung his eyes. He ground the heels of his hands into his eyes, determined not to cry over this. He was an airforce colonel, for crying out loud! Just because Daniel hadn't remembered their relationship yet was no reason to cry! Get a grip, O'Neill, he told himself sternly; you're no good to anyone like this.

Breathing slowly and deeply for a minute, Jack got himself under control. He had to get through the mission and then, if necessary, get drunk and wallow in his feelings...

...and remember what Daniel couldn't.

Next: Does He Or Doesn't He?