The Letter
by Sistine
URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ass/sistine/letter.php
Summary: Daniel finds a letter from Jack and starts to remember
Dear Daniel,
Janet told me to write this down to help me deal with everything. Tell me, how does one deal with the death of one's soulmate who chose to leave? I know you wouldn't want to live half a life, possibly never going through the gate again, but there had to be another choice! How could you just leave me like that? You didn't even tell me that you loved me! Why not? I think it would have helped ease the pain. Or maybe it would have made things worse. I don't blame you for wanting to leave - I haven't been the easiest person to live with recently - but this was a little drastic, even for you. Why did you leave me to face all this on my own? Why?
You know, soon after you left, the Asgard came calling. If you had let Jacob save you, then the Asgard could have finished the job. You would have been as good as new. And here. With me. Instead of out there, floating around. Why did you choose that instead of staying here with me?
Oh, I know you're watching over me - the gust of wind at the elevator was a dead giveaway (if you'll pardon the pun) - but it's not the same thing. I want - need - you here by my side. I don't think I've ever told you just how much I need that, so you didn't know what leaving would to do me. If you ever come back, I'll let you know so that there won't be any doubt. Right after I love you senseless. And you do realise that I'm never going to let you out of my sight on missions again, don't you? No more self-sacrificing gestures either - it'll make my hair go white instead of grey.
Carter's mad at me for not showing enough grief. She's mad at you too for dying. She loves you, and she can't understand why you left. She was angry with me for a while after I told Jacob to stop using the healing device. Then she was angry with you when I explained it was what you wanted. Would have wanted; I couldn't exactly explain that you and Oma had talked to me just before you died. Then Carter got mad at me again because I think she needed someone to blame besides the Kelownans. What does she expect me to do though? Cry in the corridors of the SGC? Not that I don't want to, but that's not exactly the image I need to present. Any crying I need to do gets done at home. I know you'll understand that. But Carter doesn't, not at the moment. She doesn't understand why I want things to keep going, why I need that normality to keep me from thinking about how much I miss you. Although it just doesn't feel right to be going off on missions without you.
I hope you're doing heaps of good stuff in the universe. If you left me, then it had better have been for a damn good reason. But you shouldn't have saved the Kelownans - they deserved to blow themselves up. I know you wouldn't agree with me but that's where we always differed. The bad guys should always get what they deserve; the good guys should never sacrifice themselves to prevent that. I'm never going to forgive them or you for that, you realise? You should have let them die. We all would have died too - that's a downside, I have to admit - but at least I wouldn't be without you.
I miss you so much, Daniel. Please come back. It's so hard to live without you.
Daniel shakily put the letter down on the table in front of him. He had found it by accident when he was reading through his journals. Jack had kept everything either in storage or at his house, and had given Daniel the box of journals the previous day. To help him remember, Jack had said. And at the end of the last journal, Daniel had found the letter tucked between two pages. Curiosity had made him read it.
He and Jack had been lovers. That was news to Daniel. He had felt an instant connection to Jack but he hadn't known what that had meant so he had tried to ignore it. Now he no longer could. He doubted that Jack had even remembered that the letter was there. Or maybe he had deliberately put it there in the hopes of jogging Daniel's memory. The young man didn't know which was more likely to be true because he couldn't remember what Jack was like.
What was he going to do now? If Jack was waiting for a reaction, then silence would be the wrong response; and if he wasn't, then reminding him could be a mistake. Doing anything before he remembered, though, wouldn't be a good idea.
Also, there was the possibility that Jack's feelings might have changed. It had been a year - what if he had found someone else? Then he wouldn't want Daniel reminding him of the letter.
How could he find all that out without letting Jack know about the letter? Maybe he could just ask Jack some innocent-sounding questions and hope for some answers.
That didn't help him right now though. He didn't remember his relationship with Jack. He didn't remember being in love with Jack. He couldn't even remember what being in love felt like. It wouldn't be fair on Jack to say anything right now.
So, it was decided then. He wouldn't say anything. Not until he was sure. But he would pay attention to Jack's behaviour while he tried to work things out.
~~~
A week later, Daniel re-read the letter. Actually, he had re-read it every night before going to sleep, the words warming him. Well, not all of the words but the sentiments definitely. He had been watching Jack and thought he had seen hints of the love the older man had written about; nothing much, just some extra warmth when those deep-brown eyes looked at him, and the teasing affection in Jack's voice. That warmth created butterflies in his stomach, something Daniel was beginning to realise could mean love. He was more sure than he had been, but not 100%, about Jack's love for him, and his own memories were slow in returning. He ran his fingers over the piece of paper, tracing over some of the words. It was nice to be loved.
A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. "Come in," he called. With any luck, it would be Jack.
And it was.
"Hey, Daniel," Jack said as he walked into the room. He had been passing and had decided to drop in to see... Okay, he had deliberately gone out of his way to visit Daniel, wanting to remind himself that getting the linguist back hadn't been a dream. "Whatcha doing?"
"Um, journals," Daniel replied, sliding the piece of paper under the journal and hoping that Jack wouldn't notice. "Thanks for keeping them for me."
"No problem." He had needed a reminder of Daniel to get him through the hard times. "What was that?" He indicated the piece of paper that Daniel had just hidden.
"What was what?" Feigning innocence, Daniel turned so that he could see Jack better.
"Daniel." He started over to the table, only to find his way blocked by said archaeologist. "What are you hiding?"
"Nothing. What are you doing here so late anyway?" He thought that Jack always headed home when his work day was over.
"Paperwork," Jack explained succinctly. He'd had no idea just how much paperwork was involved in declaring that Doctor Daniel Jackson was actually alive and not dead. Moving quickly, he reached around Daniel and retrieved the paper. He moved out of Daniel's reach and read the first couple of lines. "How did you get this?" he asked, his voice hoarse.
"It was in my last journal," Daniel replied, trying to judge Jack's reaction. He crossed his arms over his chest; did Jack still feel the same way?
"Ah." So that was where it had gone. Jack remembered reading through the journals - the parts he could understand anyway - in the days after Daniel's ascension and then penning the letter at the end. He must have left it in there when he had gone up to his observatory, and then forgotten about it when he put the journals away.
"Jack--" Daniel paused for a second then decided to risk it. "We need to talk about what's in the letter." If Jack's feelings had changed, then he would just brush Daniel off.
"Have you remembered something?" Jack asked, trying to mask his hope. He hadn't said anything before because he wanted Daniel to remember on his own.
Daniel nodded. "A little. Can we talk?" He noticed the hope in Jack's eyes and felt sure that the older man still loved him.
"My place," Jack said promptly. "Tonight?"
"Please."
"All right. Get changed and meet me topside in fifteen minutes." Jack turned to leave. "Oh, better tell Hammond where you're going."
"Will he be suspicious?" the linguist asked.
"Daniel, you were my best friend for five years, of course he won't be suspicious."
"Oh. Okay."
Jack grinned, then left. It was going to be fun teaching Daniel all over again.
Once Jack had gone, Daniel quickly changed into the clothes Jack had saved for him. After learning about the journals, Daniel hadn't really been surprised that Jack had stored some of his clothes. He was sure that every piece of clothing held a special memory for the older man, and that was why Jack had kept them. He absently wondered what the story was behind the clothes he was currently wearing.
He threw a change of clothes and the sweats into a bag, grabbed a few toiletries, and then headed down to the General's office to explain where he was going. To his surprise, General Hammond was just leaving, so Daniel explained that he was going over to Jack's house.
"That's fine, son," General Hammond replied. "Have a good time."
"Thank you, General." Daniel gave him a quick smile, then hurried up to the surface where Jack was waiting for him. "That's a new car," he commented as he got into the passenger side of the black four-wheel drive.
"Now, that I don't get," Jack complained. "You remember my old car but you don't remember much about us."
Daniel smiled. He remembered that tone of voice; it usually hid deeper feelings. "I remember some of it. The letter helped."
Jack drove off the base and onto the highway. "Do you remember... you know?"
"Making love? Kissing? No," Daniel stated honestly. "But I remember that you were very important to me."
"Uh-huh." Jack was a little disappointed that Daniel couldn't remember the physical stuff.
Nothing more was said until they were seated on the couch in Jack's living room. Daniel tucked his legs up and sat facing Jack, who was sprawled along the couch.
"Do you still love me?" Daniel asked, deciding to be direct.
"Of course I do," Jack replied honestly. "I'm mad at you for leaving though."
"So you said in your letter. I'm sorry, Jack. I probably thought it was the best decision at the time."
"You don't remember that part." It was more a statement than a question.
"No." Daniel inched closer. He could see that Jack was still upset about it. "I know you want me to but I don't."
"It's okay. I'm not sure I want to you to remember dying anyway." Jack looked down at his feet. Before Daniel descended, he had woken up many nights with the memory haunting him; he wouldn't wish that on the younger man.
Daniel reached out and tentatively placed a hand on Jack's knee. "I'm back now. There are still a lot of gaps in my memory but I remember enough to want another chance with you." He slid his hand up a little higher.
Jack caught the hand before it went too high. "I don't want to take advantage."
"You're not."
"What if you decide that this is a bad idea?"
"I won't."
"What if you don't love me?"
Daniel heard the fear behind the words. "I do. At least, I'm pretty sure that I do."
"Daniel."
"Jack."
The older man sighed then threaded his fingers through Daniel's. "I didn't want to rush you to remember. I didn't dare to hope in case you didn't."
There was nothing Daniel could say to that. They sat together in silence for a minute before Daniel said, "You know, my memories tend to come back when something similar happens. Maybe if you kiss me, then I'll remember us."
Jack needed no further encouragement. He closed the gap between them and reverently stroked Daniel's face. "I thought I'd never do this again." Then he shifted his hand around to hold the back of Daniel's head and drew the linguist even closer.
"Just kiss me, Jack," Daniel ordered with the ghost of a smile. Then his breath hitched in his throat as Jack did exactly that. Desire unfurled in his stomach and started spreading throughout his body. As Jack's lips moved against his, Daniel started to remember other occasions when Jack had kissed him, and they had all created the desire that he now felt. Daniel moved one hand to hold Jack to him, the other one still tightly grasping Jack's hand. Yes - this he remembered.
Jack leaned backwards until he was lying against the armrest, Daniel sprawled comfortably on top of him. He released Daniel's hand so that he could touch as much of the younger man as he could. He untucked Daniel's shirt and slid his fingers onto bare skin. God, he had missed this so much. Jack broke off the kiss and stared into his lover's desire-laden eyes. "Is it working?"
"Oh yeah," Daniel replied, pushing his groin against Jack's.
"I meant the memories."
"Definitely yes. I used to love doing this." Daniel traced his fingers over Jack's lips. How could he not have remembered this? "If we keep going, I'm sure I'll remember more."
"Do you remember what comes next?" Jack asked as he put his hand on Daniel's rear.
"Besides us?" Daniel grinned. "It's all coming back to me." He rocked his body against Jack's. "The question is, do you?"
"Hey, it's only been a year! I think I can remember," Jack said in mock-indignation. "You know," he continued as a thought struck him, "this will essentially be like your first time. With your new body and all."
That thought hadn't occurred to Daniel. "So it will."
Jack got extremely hard at the thought of making love with a virgin Danny. He pulled the linguist down for a quick, hard kiss, then said, "Bed."
"Can't we do it here?" Daniel protested, not wanting to get up.
"No lube. Hop up, love."
Daniel smiled at the pet name as he reluctantly stood up. "I forgot about that."
"What, the lube? Trust me, it's essential," Jack said as he led Daniel into the bedroom.
"No, your use of pet names both here and at work. Spacemonkey?" he queried as the name came back to him.
Jack grinned as he made quick work of stripping. Then he helped separate Daniel from his clothes. "You got so indignant when I called you that. It was so cute."
"I liked some of them," Daniel said as he reached out to run his fingers over Jack's chest. He ignored the provocative use of the word 'cute'. "Just not the silly ones. But I knew that they meant that you cared. Our own special language."
Jack captured Daniel's lips again, his control slipping because of the soft caresses. He had waited so long to have Daniel back with him that he didn't think he was going to last very long.
They fell onto the bed and rolled around for a few minutes, eager to touch and to get reacquainted with each other. When they finally stopped moving, Daniel found himself lying on top of Jack. He captured Jack's wrists and pinned them to the pillow. "I remember this."
"Being on top?"
"The feelings. The desire, the hunger..." Daniel's face softened. "The love."
"Good to know this is working then." Jack grinned up at him. He remembered those feelings as well. "Any particular position you want to try?"
Daniel considered that question very carefully. "Face to face." He wanted to see everything that Jack was feeling.
"Back or side?"
"Did we always have this kind of discussion beforehand?" Daniel wanted to know as he dropped his head to feast on Jack's neck.
"No," Jack replied rather breathlessly.
Daniel lifted his head as something occurred to him. "I got to do you too, right?"
"Oh yeah." Jack had never had any problems with Daniel doing him.
"Good." Daniel leaned over to the bedside drawer and got the lube out.
"How did you know that was there?" Jack queried.
"Lucky guess." He handed the lube to Jack. "Come on, get busy."
"Push-y." Jack put some lube on his fingers and warmed it up a little before reaching down and sliding his fingers along the cleft.
Daniel jumped at the touch, having forgotten what it felt like. Then he tensed slightly as Jack pushed meaningfully at the tight ring of muscle.
"It's okay, Danny, let me in," Jack soothed his lover. He pushed again and this time managed to get half his finger in. His gut tightened at the feel of Daniel - so hot and tight, his new muscles having never been stretched in lovemaking. "Oh, love, you feel so good."
"Really?" Daniel couldn't remember yet how it felt to be in Jack's position. Then he moaned as Jack moved his finger, stroking lightly inside. "Never mind."
Jack chuckled. He stroked a few more times then gently pushed a second finger in. Then he carefully scissored his fingers, stretching the tight passageway. He loved the way Daniel rubbed against him in time with his fingers. "How's the memory now?"
"Getting better all the time." Daniel kissed Jack as a third finger stretched him even further, creating a burning sensation. "Side."
"What?" Jack didn't follow the jump in conversation.
"Position - you asked back or side. I want side." The burning was fading now and pleasure was building.
"Right," Jack said, withdrawing his fingers. Rolling them both over, he got Daniel to wrap those long legs of his around his back, then Jack rolled them both onto their sides.
Daniel shifted his legs more comfortably around Jack's back. It was a slightly awkward position but it was also good. His erection was trapped between their bodies and was rubbed against the skin as the two men breathed. He put his hands on Jack's shoulders and arched his back as a broad, steady pressure pushed its way into his body. "Jack..."
"Right here, love. Just relax," Jack soothed. He fought to maintain a slow speed, knowing that Daniel needed plenty of time to adjust. It was very difficult though.
Relax. Yeah, right. Daniel tried to do that and found that Jack just flowed into him. He gasped as the sensations coursed through his body. "Oh god."
"Oh yeah." Jack drew Daniel into another kiss as he slowly started to rock...
~~~
"I love you," Daniel breathed into Jack's ear as they came down from their orgasmic high. "I remember that clearly now." He could remember the feelings even if he couldn't remember specific instances.
"Sweet." Jack held Daniel close to him. After a year of Daniel being lost to him, those were the best words Jack had ever heard. "I'm glad you came back."
"Me too." What had possessed him to leave all this in the first place? "And I'm glad you wrote that letter. It might have been months before I remembered on my own."
"Maybe." Jack didn't want to dwell on that now. "It was so hard when we found you and you didn't remember me or any of the others, and you didn't know who you were."
"I know now. Doctor Daniel Jackson, archaeologist, linguist, and soul-mate of Colonel Jack O'Neill." Daniel lightly kissed Jack on the lips and then snuggled into his chest.
"Yeah." Jack stroked Daniel's hair as the younger man drifted off to sleep. He made a mental note to thank Janet for encouraging him to write his feelings down, and then he closed his eyes, breathed in Daniel's unique scent, and followed his love into sleep.
