Flying A Desk 1

Just A Black Eye

by SJSlashfan

URL: http://www.area52hkh.net/ass/sjslashfan/flying01.php
Summary: Sam hates that Janet is the one who suffers when she gets hurt.
Info: Heroes didn't happen, Janet didn't die.

"I'm fine," Sam pulled away from Daniel's supportive arm. She saw the hurt look on his face. "I'm sorry," she said in a softer voice. "But I'm okay, Daniel, truly I am."

"You were a captive for over 24 hours, Colonel Carter," Teal'c intoned. "And it is clear that you are not, in fact, fine," he gestured to the large dressing Sam held to her face and her bloodstained shirt.

"It's just a black eye. And a nick on my forehead. You know how head wounds bleed," Sam knew that her team were not listening.

O'Neill approached. He took one look at Sam. "Carter?" he demanded. "What the hell happened."

"Nothin' Sir," Sam replied. "Nothing serious. Let's just say, diplomatic relations broke down. It was my fault, Sir," she admitted with a grimace. "I hadn't realized how chauvinistic the Bendarans are. They had assumed that Teal'c was the CO. When they found out it was me, they got nasty. But it was nothing, really. They roughed me up a bit, then they let me go. So we're back. But I don't think we're gonna get anywhere with the treaty," she half-smiled, ruefully.

"To hell with the treaty!" O'Neill exploded. "We do not want to do business with anyone who can treat my best officer like that. Why didn't you get the guys to bust you out?" he asked.

"It wasn't necessary, Sir," Sam told him. "I was never in any real danger. It would only have aggravated the situation. Innocent lives could have been lost. They just wanted to... put me in my place, I suppose."

"Let's get a medical team in here," O'Neill said, "get that wound seen to."

"No, Sir!" Sam was vehement. "Don't call a med team. Please, Sir," she pleaded. "Janet will only worry. I'll go straight to the infirmary after the debriefing, I swear."

"Before the debriefing," O'Neill compromised. "Daniel, make sure Carter goes straight there."

"I can get there on my own," Sam objected.

"Don't care," O'Neill said. "Daniel, go with her."

= = =

Sam knocked on Janet's office door. "Hey," she called lightly.

Janet looked up and saw her lover standing in the doorway. Her smiled of welcome dissipated when she saw Sam holding the dressing to her face. "Sam?" she demanded, leaping to her feet.

"Don't overreact, hon," Sam said in a quiet voice. "Looks worse than it is. It's just a black eye, baby. The general made me come straight here."

"So that was you," Janet said. "I heard the Gate alarm, but you weren't due back until tomorrow," she tenderly peeled back the dressing. She tried not to start at the bloody mess that greeted her. "Here," she pushed Sam gently into a chair, pulling up another one to sit beside her.

"Things didn't quite go to plan," Sam said wryly. She put a soft hand over Janet's, stilling it for a moment. "I'm okay, Jan. Really I am. There's nothing to worry about, I swear."

Janet looked straight into Sam's eyes. "Truly?" she asked in a small voice.

"Truly," Sam said firmly. She leant forward and kissed Janet softly. "Sorry," she let out a small chuckle. "I'm filthy," she said.

"You're beautiful," Janet told her. "But you're right," she smiled. "You are filthy. And this," she fingered the wound tenderly, "needs stitches. C'mon," she said. "Let's get you cleaned up."

= = =

Sam yawned as Janet switched off the car engine. Janet looked at her sharply. "Just how much sleep have you gotten in the last 48 hours?" she demanded.

Sam looked guilty. "I didn't really get much of a chance to sleep," she admitted.

"Bed, then!" Janet said. "Bath, then bed. You can get up for dinner this evening if you want. But first you sleep. After we get this grime off of you."

"Okay, mom," Sam smiled, and yawned again involuntarily.

Sam peeled off her filthy BDUs as Janet ran the tub. She shrugged on a robe, trying not to wince as her bruises pulled at her, and made her way into the bathroom just as Janet was testing the temperature.

"Sit there," Janet demanded, pointing to the toilet.

Sam smiled, and sat obediently. Ever so gently, Janet took a washcloth and cleaned the skin surrounding the dressing on Sam's face. Then she applied a further, waterproof dressing round the outside. "So you don't get it wet," she told her. "Okay, honey," she held out her hands and pulled Sam to her feet. "You can lose the robe now."

Sam dropped the robe at her feet, and stepped into the hot bath, letting out a sigh of pure pleasure as she felt the water lap around her.

Janet took a large sponge and covered it in soap, and started to rub carefully at Sam's skin. For the first time, she saw just how many bruises Sam had, and gasped when she realized that the black mark on Sam's shoulder was not dirt, but a large bruise. In the shape of a footprint.

"I'm okay," Sam said. "It's just bruises."

Janet nodded, looking away so that Sam wouldn't see the tears gathering in her eyes. She blinked furiously as she got a grip on herself. "Okay," she whispered, nodding. She rubbed shampoo into Sam's long hair, watching it return to its natural blonde color as the grime washed off. "Ready to go under?" she asked after a few minutes. Sam just nodded, tiredly. "Okay then," she pushed her very gently so that she slid under the water, and rinsed her hair off.

In less than ten minutes, Sam was finally clean again, and Janet helped her out of the bath, wrapping a huge, soft towel round her that she had warmed on the rail. "How's that?" Janet asked.

"Bliss," Sam told her, and allowed Janet to lead her to the bed. It was rare that Sam let herself be so vulnerable, and it was only with Janet that she felt able to let all her defenses down. Janet helped her into a pair of warm, flannel pyjamas, and kissed her as she lay down on the soft pillow. "Stay with me?" Sam asked in a small voice. "Jus' for a bit?"

"Try and stop me," Janet was already stripping off her clothes and changing into her habitual nightclothes of boxer shorts and sleeveless tee.

Sam snuggled into Janet's front, and within minutes was asleep.

Janet was not far behind Sam, and very soon she was also dozing.

= = =

At around 11pm, Sam awoke, wondering where she was. She reached over, and realized that the bed next to her was empty. She sat up, wondering where Janet had gotten to, when she saw a strip of light under the closed bathroom door.

Sam let herself into the bathroom, and saw Janet standing at the sink, scrubbing desperately at Sam's BDU shirt. Her posture was tense, and Sam was appalled to realize that she was crying silently. Sam approached her carefully, making sure not to startle her. She wrapped her arms lovingly round her from behind. "Hey," she said softly.

Janet stiffened marginally. She had not expected to be interrupted. "Jus' getting the bloodstains out," she said, her voice cracking a little. "Before it's too late."

"Leave it, hon," Sam's voice was tender and loving. "I'll requisition a new shirt. Jan," she said slightly more forcefully. "It doesn't matter, honey. It's only a shirt. Jan," she put her hands into the water, and closed them over Janet's, stilling them. Still in the water, she interlaced her fingers with Janet's. "It's only a black eye, baby," she whispered, rocking Janet gently from behind.

"This time," Janet's voice was tense and small. She turned in Sam's arms and faced her.

Sam saw the agony on Janet's face. "I know things are hard for you, my darling," she whispered. "Especially now. After the baby," she said, knowing that her words would be hard for Janet to hear. Just under three months ago, Janet had miscarried their baby at 23 weeks. "Everything hurts more now than ever. I know that. And I hate that it's me that's causing you pain."

Janet shook her head. "It's not your fault," she whispered. "I just... I just seem... Nothing is easy any more. I can't help myself."

"You need to grieve," Sam wrapped her arms round her. "You haven't even really cried yet. Not after the first day," she cast her mind back to that terrible day when Janet had had to give birth to the baby they already knew had died. Janet had seemed to shut down to some extent afterward. She tried desperately to hide her unhappiness, but Sam knew her better than she knew herself. Sam felt Janet wrapping her arms tightly round her.

"I can't think about it," Janet's voice was almost inaudible. "About her. I think one of the hardest things was knowing she was part of you too," she said. Years before, they had learned a technique from the Asgard whereby ova could be combined. So the baby had both hers and Sam's DNA. "Knowing that part of you died. It made me think about... what if... I can't bear it when you get hurt Sam. I'm so frightened that you're gonna leave me on my own. I don't think I could live without you, baby." She took a deep, shuddering breath. "You mean everything to me. I mean everything."

Sam held Janet tight in her arms. "I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered, over and over.

Janet looked up at her, tears streaking her face. "She was so perfect, wasn't she honey? Those tiny fingers and toes. So perfect and so fragile," she started to shake.

"Let it go, honey," Sam said softly. "You don't have to be brave for me."

Janet suddenly gasped, drawing in a huge lungful of air. "I can't...," her breath was ragged. "Oh God, Sam," she couldn't see her way past the agony.

"You'll be okay, Jan," Sam's words were gentle and loving. "I'm here with you."

Suddenly Janet threw her head back, and let out a wail that was so raw and feral that Sam was almost frightened. The wail lasted for long seconds until eventually Janet's lung were empty. She collapsed, sobbing hysterically in Sam's arms.

Without stopping to think, Sam lifted her in her arms and carried her back to the bedroom. She sat in the large overstuffed armchair that they kept next to the window, Janet cradled in her lap, still weeping uncontrollably. "That's it, baby," she whispered, dropping small kisses onto Janet's head. She reached out and pulled the quilt from the bed, wrapping it round her shaking lover. "Let it all out. It's over now. It was terrible. Nobody should have to go through that. I love you so much, sweetheart. More than ever. More than air. Cry all you need to honey. I'll be here with you. Always."

Janet wept for nearly two hours, her every emotion stretched to breaking point. She clung to Sam as if to a lifeline, her hands fisting in Sam's pyjama top, burying her face in her front, Sam's chin resting on top of her head. She could feel Sam's loving hands and arms holding her, rubbing her back, stroking her face, rocking her gently.

Sam was beginning to worry. She had never seen anyone so desperately distraught, and didn't know what to do. Just as she was considering calling the infirmary for advice or for a sedative, Janet's weeping finally slowed and eventually stopped. Janet remained curled in a fetal ball in her lap, her hands still clutching at Sam's now-sodden shirt. Sam stayed seated for a further half hour, whispering soothing nonsense into her lover's ear, kissing her softly. Just as Janet seemed about to fall to sleep, Sam spoke quietly. "Bed, hon?" she suggested.

Janet nodded, so Sam rose carefully, her lover still in her arms. Very tenderly she placed her back into the bed. She went to the bathroom, and ran a washcloth under the warm water. Returning to Janet, she very carefully wiped her blotchy face with the wet cloth. "There," she said quietly. "That's better, huh?"

Janet nodded, misery etched on her face. She sat up obediently as Sam peeled off her soaked t-shirt and wiped her down, drying her off lovingly with a soft towel. She allowed Sam to help her into a new tee, and watched as Sam swapped her own tear-stained pyjama top for a clean one. She put her hand involuntarily to her eyes.

"Headache?" Sam thought she could see Janet wincing.

Janet nodded again. "Uh huh," she whispered at last. "Feel lousy."

"Tylenol or Toradol?" Sam asked her, trying to gauge the level of pain.

"Toradol," Janet's voice was weak. "Three."

Sam tried not to react. She knew Janet hated taking any drugs, so she must be feeling dreadful. But she had, finally, released three months of pain.

Sam passed the tablets to Janet, and held a glass of water to her lips, forcing herself not to comment on Janet's shaking hands. Janet's eyes were closing again, and she reached out for Sam as she lay down on the soft pillow.

Sam slid into the bed next to Janet, pulling her to her and cradling her lovingly. "It stops here," she whispered. "I'm not putting you through any more of this. I'm gonna talk to the general tomorrow. I've had it. I'm not going on any more missions. You are too important. I love you too much. Somebody else can take the risks. I'm gonna get me a desk job."

Janet looked up at Sam, fear and hope in her eyes.

"Truly," Sam promised. "Now sleep, my darling. It'll all be better in the morning."

Next: A Decision